Chapter 73.
Jules arrived at what had been their room to find that Cas was sitting on th edge of the bed in the dark. He did not need the light, of course, but she felt as if he were trying to hide from her, even in that small room. "Is it okay if I turn on the light?" she said.
"Yes." he said, so she did.
He looked frightened. He didn't want this conversation and she felt that he was only still there because he felt he owed her whatever she asked of him - anything but a return to their former relationship.
"Where should I sit?" she asked.
"Anywhere." he said.
"Is there someplace I can sit without making you uncomfortable?"
"I was uncomfortable when you were in Ionia." he said.
She laughed a little, though she knew it was not a joke. "Poor Cas." she said, "I didn't come here to make you feel bad. I also didn't come for a replay of our first argument about this or to debate your decision."
"You didn't?" he said.
"I didn't. Is it okay to sit beside you?"
He nodded. "Why did you come?" he said.
"Because Sarah and Dean told me what happened and the thought of you hurt and weak and damaged made me want to see you. I'm here because I love you."
"You can't love me." he said, "That's over."
"Tough. Human emotions are not under your command."
"Neither are angel ones." he said with a rueful look, "I've tried to quell them and they refuse to be quelled. I know it's over, but the moment I saw you again, I felt all the same feelings. I will master them, but it could take a while and until then, I will beg your cooperation in not arousing them too much."
"I'll do what I can." she said.
"Thanks." he said.
"I said I'm not here to debate your decision. That's because it was yours to make. I know you didn't make it lightly and I know it seemed like the only thing you could do. With Jack's existence on the line, you did what you had to and I would have done it too. I hate that you did it, but I'll never blame you for doing what it took to save him."
"You were very angry with me." he reminded her, as if she needed a reminder of any of the unkind things she had said in her moment of grief and fear.
"I was wrong to be." she said.
"No. You had every right. Nothing you said was untrue."
"A lot of it was unfair." she said, "But losing you broke my heart. I wasn't thinking clearly and I thought you'd never loved me, which you agreed was true. That hurt, my love."
"I'm sorry. I thought if you could stay angry, you'd be less sad. That's how it works with Dean."
"No it doesn't, Cas. Anger doesn't cure the pain, it masks it. We keep our dignity by losing our temper, but the wounds still run very deep, for me and for Dean."
"I thought I was helping. I also thought it might be true. You called me heartless. Angels are supposed to be."
"That was wrong of me. At the time, I believed it, but Sarah helped me to understand that it wasn't like that at all. Angels are not heartless, even the ones less advanced than you and you have the deepest, gentlest, most sensitive heart I have ever met."
"What did Sarah say?" said Cas.
"That angels think differently, that they have a more limited focus in times of crisis. You didn't ignore my feelings, you weren't aware of anything but the danger to Jack. You acted to fix that. It wasn't that you didn't care about me, it was that at that moment, only Jack existed."
"And that made a difference to how you felt?" said Cas.
"Before that, I thought you'd never loved me. That was the worst thing I could imagine, to know that everything I thought we had was a lie." She felt tears burning in her eyes. Even the memory of that inaccurate thought still had the power to hurt her. "What we had was everything to me. If it's over, it's over, but if it were never real ... if you never loved me ... "
"I will never not love you." he said, "Our relationship had to end, but the love I feel for you is wrapped around every fibre of my being. Until the end of eternity, I will love you."
She smiled. "When we were together, you would never have given me that kind of promise."
"I don't think I knew it until I tried to stop loving you." he said, "Love confuses me."
She took his hand and held it, relieved that he didn't pull it away. "I know it does," she said, "So I want to thank you for having the courage to explore it with me, even if it never went anywhere. We may not have had the best of endings, but we had some good times together and for a time, I knew how it felt to be truly happy. You were the only person who ever loved me exactly as I was. I could be myself with you, unedited and unashamed." The tears started to fall.
He reached out with his free hand to wipe them from her cheek. "Add to the list of sins I will forever regret, the fact that I made you cry." he said.
"You didn't make me cry." she said, still holding his hand tightly, "Losing you makes me cry."
"If I hadn't made the deal ... "
"Jack would be dead." she said, "And we'd both be sitting here crying and the world would have lost its best hope. What you did was brave and it was right. We both paid a high price ... "
"You without your knowledge or consent." he said.
"But you saved Jack and every time I look at him, I'm reminded of just what he's worth, to all of us. To have that light in the world ... that's worth the extinction of my brief and dim candle. Hey, at least I got to glow a little first."
"You were a beacon of light to me." he said, tears glittering in his eyes too.
"Remember the party? Remember dancing? And our first kiss?"
"I have not forgotten a moment." said Cas.
"That night, I didn't know it would go anywhere. You were still unsure of your feelings and kissing you felt like a hell of a gamble, but after the kiss, I just thought, 'If that's all we ever have, it was still worth it.' And we got a lot more than that. In a few months, we've lived a lifetime of wonderful memories."
"That now hurt us both." said Cas.
"Yes. Grief is love with nowhere to go. It will hurt, always, but there will also always be joy in the sorrow and gratitude for the chance I had to be with you, to have one good, kind, honest love in my life. I'm glad to have known you, Castiel. I'm honoured to have known the heart you pretend not to have, because it's beautiful. You are beautiful."
"Nothing is as beautiful as you, my Shulamite, my beloved. If I'd thought of you at that moment, I could not have made that deal."
"Then I'm glad you forgot me. I hate the deal, but I can't think of any other way you could have saved Jack and if I'd been the reason you didn't save him, there would be a deep and toxic wound at the heart of our relationship. Neither of us would ever have forgiven ourselves."
"Losing you is the greater sacrifice." said Cas, "My own life has never meant much to me, but my life with you ... "
"I wish I had a way to put all this right, to free you from the deal and give us a life together. I'm working on it, but nothing yet. What I can give you, is yours; forgiveness, thanks and my enduring love and support."
"Our relationship ... "
"I know. It's over. If that's really how it has to be, I accept it, but let me tell you, there is no scenario here where I find someone else and walk off into the sunset with him. My love doesn't switch off that easily. If we can't be together, we can't be together, but that doesn't mean we have to be apart."
"I don't understand that." said Cas.
"If I can't be your lover, I'll be your friend. If that's difficult for you, I'll just be a hunter you work with, who happens to be in love with you. If you can't bear to have me around, I'll go back to my world, but every part of me that is truly me will stay here with you and what I send back there will be a shell."
"Never go back to that place." said Cas.
"Let me stay here, at your side and I won't need to."
"Won't it hurt, being together but being apart?"
"Yes."
"Then why would you want it?"
"Because I let you out of my sight for two days and you got hurt. Someone has to watch over you. Besides, wherever I am, not being with you will hurt."
"Every decision I ever made was a bad one. Hurting you like this will haunt me forever." he said.
She stroked his cheek. "Whatever pain you've caused me, I forgive you. Nothing you did was done cruelly or selfishly. I can't hate you because you love your child."
"You deserved a better love." he said.
"Yours is the only love I wanted," she said, "The only love I will ever want."