A/N: As our good friend Kiera would say… Congrats on the sex.
She couldn't see much, lying here like this, with her face buried under his chin. But she felt everything. She felt the smoothness of his legs tangled with hers, the way the hair on said legs felt against her skin when she shifted her weight, his muscles still twitching just a little the same way hers still were. She felt how large his hand was, his fingers spread on her upper back as he cradled her close with an arm around her. She imagined each of those fingers against her skin like those magic static balls of glass that she always used to play with at Sharper Image when she was a kid, how the electricity zapped up from the center wherever your finger touched its surface. She felt his soft breath playing with the hair on her head, just lightly enough to make her shiver. She felt the rise and fall of his chest underneath hers. But most importantly, the thing she focused on the most, was the hard thumping of his heart against his ribcage, still beating quick but steady.
He pulled her closer then, as if he'd felt her slight shiver, and in the meantime, he reached down with one long arm to snag the covers and pull them back over their bodies, the same covers they'd kicked to the side so that they were hanging off of her bed and half on the floor. It hadn't been something she'd done on purpose. Things had just progressed so quickly.
In spite of knowing they weren't in a cabin on a ship surrounded by Ring agents anymore, in spite of knowing they could actually take their time, in spite of the utter relief that rocketed through her at finally being able to touch him the way she'd wanted to for much, much longer than she was sure she could admit, even to herself… Agent Sarah Walker hadn't taken her time at first. Once they got into that bed and every bit of clothing was strewn about the room somewhere, everything had clicked inside of her in a way she was completely unprepared for.
And all at once, a bubble of impatience and need had spread from behind her belly button to overtake her whole body.
It had been quick and desperate, but she'd felt his desperation, too, as if neither of them could get enough no matter what they did.
It took a while for her to lose the sense of desperation, the urgency, the almost anxious rush of blood through every last part of her body as they tumbled back and forth on the mattress, vying for control in a way that filled her with a soul-deep warmth now that she thought about it, but also amusement.
But it didn't take too long for everything to settle inside of her, for the frenetic desperation to lessen, and things slowed down a little. She allowed herself to take the time they were gifted.
She knew now, after all of her late nights of wondering when she was alone wrapped up in her bed at Maison23, that Chuck Bartowski was an incredibly giving lover. And when he allowed himself to take, he was just as damn good.
She smirked so wide her teeth showed a little.
The memories of the last few hours they'd spent giving into their desires, unbridled and at times even somewhat surprisingly...a little wild, flooded back to her and she smirked even harder. Another thing she'd wondered, and she'd gotten an even better answer than she could've hoped for, was whether or not they'd be good together. Specifically pertaining to what had just happened...many times.
They were extremely good together.
"Mm'what?" he muttered, breaking the silence and turning his lips to press against her hair. She just shook her head, pressing her face even deeper into his neck. "No shaking your head no, I felt you smirking…"
Sarah quickly scrunched her lips into a pout and twisted it to the side, trying to keep the smirk off of her face. She just shook her head again, feeling the blush starting to rise to her cheeks.
"Oh my God," he breathed then, more of a sigh, and she felt his hand slide up to her shoulder, squeeze, and slide back again to cradle her against him. "This…" He swallowed. "I don't even know. I should just shut up and not say anything maybe. Yeah. Just...shut up."
This was the first time she'd heard his voice in any capacity that wasn't purely sex-related since they fell into bed together a few hours before, as the pockets in time between the actual sex had been spent in breathless awestruck laughter and relentless clinging.
And now she was a little stunned, unsure of how to respond or react. Because they'd really just done...that. They'd more than done that. Even as she was drowning in nerves and confusion that mixed in with the utter relief and warmth, Sarah found herself coming to the realization that she'd never had sex like this before. Not that she hadn't had good sex before, but this had been something entirely different. Like every part of her had opened itself up to him, walls kicked down, doors ripped open and… God, with the way Chuck had held her, touched her, even the way he'd breathed her name, and then those otherworldly moments when they'd met gazes, it was like he'd systematically gone through and wedged something under those doors so they'd never shut again. Not for him, anyway.
She wondered in a daze if he even knew he'd done that.
She'd just been made love to so thoroughly, and she'd made love to him right back with every last fiber of her being. Everything was changed. Everything. And she was utterly terrified.
"I'm—Shit, no. Shut up. Really." He flung his other arm around her and pulled her a little so that she was fully lying on top of him instead of her having half her body draped off to the side. And then he hugged her so tight it nearly took her breath away. "I'm just going to not talk. How's that? That seems like the smartest thing for right n—"
"He says as he rambles."
There was a long pause. And then he snorted, his chest bouncing under hers. And she couldn't help smiling. "Touché. I'm sorry. As calm as I might seem on the outside, I'm kind of...unraveling."
So that was why his heart was still racing almost a half hour after they'd both finished. Sarah squeezed his hips between her thighs comfortingly and pulled her face back to look down at him, in spite of feeling less vulnerable and safer with her face buried in his neck where he couldn't see her.
His brown eyes that had been so full of passion and pure adoration before now shook with anxiety. His lips were pressed in a thin line, his nostrils flared, brow furrowed… This was her Chuck again. Not that the man she'd just had sex with wasn't her Chuck—she'd just been absolutely blindsided by some of the things he'd done to her, and for that matter, the things he'd allowed her to do to him. Without pause or hesitation.
"You don't seem all that calm on the outside," she admitted quietly, tilting her head a little.
Chuck swallowed hard. "Oh." He took a deep breath and rolled his wide eyes up to the ceiling and back down again to meet her gaze. She saw a determinedness to the hard line of his jaw as he looked up at her. "Sarah, we can't…" He searched for words. "I mean, there's no going back...after that. After this. There's no going back. Please say there's no going back."
She couldn't help squirming a little uncomfortably. Because he was right and she knew he was right, but it felt so monumental for her to admit that and it was getting caught in her chest.
Chuck brushed her messy blond hair away from her face and tucked it behind her ear. She'd lost the hair tie somewhere in the sheets, having tugged her bun loose halfway through and tossing the tie over her shoulder towards the end of the bed somewhere. "I saw it. I felt it, Sarah. But I-I need to hear it."
Her tongue darted out to lick her lips and she took a deep breath. "No, there's no going back."
And because the implications of that threatened to frighten her to death, she focused in on the thrill she felt at the sensation of his fingers stroking down her bare thigh, feeding off of the way Chuck's brown, almost golden eyes, swam with everything she'd always known he felt for her, and she leaned down to kiss him hard.
Maybe burying her terror somewhere deep under the lust wasn't the most functional way to deal with this revelation, but she did it anyway. And he let her.
She didn't know for how long, but they got lost in the sensations again, not stopping until they literally could not continue anymore, their bodies spent, splayed out side by side, the sheets as good as in another dimension at that point.
And now she thought he was probably asleep. She was on her stomach, her head turned away from him, and he hadn't moved for a few minutes, nor could she hear him huffing and puffing anymore.
It was always in the weirdest moments that a person's brain reminded them of certain things. Like when you were trying to fall asleep and that embarrassing thing you did in fourth grade to make the cool girl in class want to be your friend came back and made you feel miserable about it again.
This time, she was trapped in the memory of earlier that afternoon, standing shoulder to shoulder with Chuck in front of the Lincoln Memorial. She'd done something she maybe shouldn't have done. And she was filled with regret now. Because maybe a part of her had slipped it in there on purpose. Or maybe not. Maybe she wasn't giving herself enough benefit of the doubt.
But she'd told Chuck how she'd gotten Agent Shaw to agree to the conditions of the mission to rescue hostages from the Ring, the most important condition being that she and Chuck went on this mission together. She'd told Chuck that she'd given Agent Shaw her real name to engender some trust there. Or, rather, to make Shaw think she trusted him. Shaw had known saying her real name to anyone was a big enough deal to her, in spite of his tiptoeing he'd done at the time. But what was more, Chuck knew.
He knew because it was important to him. Right from the very start, she'd witnessed Chuck cherish even the minutest of personal details about her, committing them to memory. Like her pizza preferences, her favorite top she wore more often than she wore anything else. Anytime she opened up to him, she saw him attempting to cover up how much of a gift it was to him to have her trust him like that. And it had made her lose so much sleep over the last year.
She'd told Shaw her real name, though. At least, that was how Chuck must have seen it, and she understood now why he'd frozen up for the rest of their conversation, when she was supposed to be the frosty one, what with the shit he'd pulled.
Sarah gave herself a moment to just sit with that realization. The realization that she'd hurt him, even though she hadn't meant to. It hadn't been on purpose. Still, she'd done it.
She felt him shift his weight then, just a little, and his hand slid over hers, gently, and he interlocked their fingers, squeezing.
Shutting her eyes, she took a deep breath. He wasn't asleep.
And the words tumbled out of her mouth before she could stop them. "It wasn't my real name."
She felt him react but didn't feel him look at her. It was like the air around them went still for a moment. And his hand tightened over hers. "W-What?" he asked quietly.
"Sam. The name I gave Agent Shaw. It wasn't my real name."
"I don't understand," he replied. "Sam's not—That isn't your name?"
"That was the name of my dog I had when I was little." There was that still air again. And then she felt the mattress shift as he moved. She turned onto her back and looked at him. He'd rolled onto his side and propped himself up on his elbow, his brow furrowed as he tried to make sense of this.
She pulled her hand out of his and began twisting it together with her other hand over her stomach, looking down at them studiously, not able to look at him. Maybe it was too intimate, which was ironic considering how intimate they had just been. Again.
"I've used so many names over the years, Shaw will never know the truth, but I had to make it a name that wouldn't lead him to my actual real name. The good thing is…" She huffed, feeling some bitterness in her chest as she finally gave him a sardonic look. "I'm not sure my birth certificate will ever be found. Graham might've had a lead on it somewhere. Maybe he knew where it was before he died, but if he did, he took that to his grave. I don't even know where it is or if it even exists anymore." She shrugged.
Chuck could have asked a million and one questions. He could've asked what her real name actually was, or why she'd kept this kind of major fact from him out by the Lincoln Memorial, saving him a few hours of torture. But instead, he just waited for her to meet his gaze and he gave her a look full of gravity. "Thank you," he said softly. "For protecting me."
"Always," she murmured, still holding his gaze. There were moments when Chuck managed to get right to the heart of things. This was one of those moments. He recognized she went out on a limb for him, putting herself in an uncomfortable spot with Shaw, and lying to someone who was more or less a senior agent on the team to keep Chuck safe. Granted, she wouldn't have had to do that if she hadn't inadvertently put Chuck in a position in which he'd make a promise he couldn't keep. She should've known that he'd make that promise ten times out of ten. He was Chuck Bartowski. Maybe that was a part of the spy life he'd never be able to adapt himself to. If she'd done her job properly enough on that cruise liner, perhaps Hannah'd be alive, and they wouldn't have had to go on this foolhardy mission, and she wouldn't have had to potentially compromise herself to keep Chuck safe.
He had to think she was still angry with him. And she was, but only because he'd gone behind her back and, in a way, dragged her into the fire with him, when he had to know she would've gladly walked into it by his side. If he'd just talked to her…
But the thoughtful frown on his face, the guilt she saw there… She wasn't going to let another moment pass without really going out on a limb. Not with some cardboard cut-out of an agent who unsettled her more than she was comfortable admitting out loud at this point, but with Chuck, the one person in the whole of her existence who deserved her trust, who deserved the truth. The one person who was worth the risk.
"I've only told one person my real name." She watched him closely as he furrowed his brow as if trying to figure out who that might be. And then he must've realized she was watching so he tried to slide a mask over his face, nodding slowly as if he wasn't brimming with curiosity.
And she wondered if she'd ever stood a chance.
"I was thrown onto an assignment that I thought was going to be a piece of cake, and afterwards, I was going on a much-needed vacation. It was going to be a quick, easy mission, in and out. It was the easiest assignment I had ever been given. With an even easier mark. Like when you're on a road trip cross country and you stop at some random gas station, and you forget where it was or even at what point of the trip… Totally pointless to toss up the usual safeguards for this mission that wouldn't amount to anything besides a dash in my dossier. If that. At least that's what I thought going into the assignment with a maybe undeserved amount of confidence… You could even call it hubris." He smiled at her and she winced. "So I went in after my mark, spotted him, and made my move." She looked at him steadily and then she pushed herself up to sit and reached down to grab the sheet and duvet, yanking them up to cover more of herself because she was suddenly feeling cold. No, that wasn't true. She felt exposed. And she knew it had nothing to do with the fact that she wasn't wearing any clothes.
Chuck sat up beside her and as he looked at her softly, his eyes as warm as ever, she thought he might have an inkling about where she was going with this. She decided to deliver the coup de grâce.
"And then," she turned toward him, her eyes locking with his. "...before I could seal the deal with my mark, this guy ran up and interrupted because apparently he'd been too dumb to put a tape in his camcorder to record his daughter's dance recital." She had no doubt he'd known where this was headed, and still she could see on his face as it all hit him, his jaw falling open. "And said super easy mark, this quick and easy mission, turned to me, excused himself, and...left me standing there at the help desk to save the idiot's ass."
Sarah pushed her hands through her hair and snorted, shaking her head. "That whole production with the TV screens and the makeshift stage, the way my mark orchestrated the whole thing… I thought surely this was just the store's policy or something. The whole 'customer is always' right thing." He smirked and ducked his head. "I didn't think he was real. Especially when he took the time to give a little girl some much needed confidence to recreate her dance routine." He gave her a look through his eyelashes. "Yeah, I heard it. I heard all of it." She met his gaze and held it for a long time before she continued. "I panicked. I was, I dunno, struck dumb. I was way out of my depth, and I had no idea then just how out of my depth I was—I still don't know—" She widened her eyes and hummed in amusement. "But I had a mission, so I jotted my name down on a piece of paper along with my phone number, and it wasn't until I got outside that I realized that I'd just told someone my real name. My honest to God real name. Like a complete...fool. I mean, I realized belatedly that I just tossed my name at him earlier. It was...my name. My real name. And I told myself it wasn't a big deal. What difference did a first name make? Especially such a common one, you know? I'd never see the mark again. In and out."
Chuck went tense and sat up straighter, swiveling to face her fully. "What?" he breathed.
She nodded. "Yeah."
"Really?"
"Yes." He was obviously at a loss for words, just gaping at her, and for once, she was the one who wasn't. So she continued with the truth he deserved. "Graham hid me under my own name and no one knew but us. Everyone assumed it was an alias because of who I am. The Ice Queen. Wildcard Enforcer. The agent you got to know a bit better in that flash you had back in the beginning of all of this." She swallowed hard and watched as Chuck continued to search for words.
"I-I'm just...a little… Um, because I remember, I've never been able to forget, and I probably never will... Right when Operation Bartowski started, when I thought I couldn't trust you and you cornered me in the bathroom that night you met Ellie for the first time, you asked me if I really thought Sarah was your real name. And it felt like...Well, I mean, I assumed, and I think anybody else would've if they'd been in my shoes, that you meant Sarah wasn't your real name. That it was just a name you fed me, a fake name, for a cover. You said that so I assumed. But...But Sarah...is…?"
"My real name. The name I was given when I was born. Yeah." She nodded, rubbing a clammy hand down the duvet. "Even without the birth certificate, I know my name." And it wasn't the only thing she knew from her childhood, but she was already too raw as it was and couldn't dwell on any of the rest of that.
"No, of-of course you do. I'm not saying you don't. I'm just...really… I'm confused."
"I don't blame you, Chuck." Her chest ached and felt empty all at once as she cleared her throat, looking away as she tried to figure out how to say all of this. "The truth is I lied. And that's quite a sentence, isn't it?" She let out a mirthless hum and shook her head. "But it's the best way I can think to put it. It's what I keep telling you, and it's why I've…" No, try again. "I'm a spy, Chuck. It's really all I know. And that means that lying is...second nature. Especially during a mission, during an assignment. And that night, in that bathroom, I lied to you. I'm sorry. I apologize for it, but I know that doesn't make it go away. Lying just comes so easily, and in most situations up until...up until you and this assignment that forced me to be around you…" Ooof, that wasn't the best phrasing, but he at least didn't seem to take it the wrong way. "Lying always felt like it was nothing, a means to an end, a way to get what I needed, to successfully carry out a mission, to disappear, whatever. So I lied to you. I made you think Sarah wasn't my real name because it fit my purposes. That's the truth."
She steepled her fingers and pressed the tips of them to her forehead, shutting her eyes tightly, and then she lifted her head and turned to look him square in his face, because that was what he deserved. "And that's the real truth, Chuck. I'm not the person you spent all these months putting up on a pedestal. I'm the person who looked you in the eye and lied to you because even as I told you to trust me, I refused to trust you. I misled you. I lied. Steered you away from my real name." And that instinct, that instinct to lie and mislead a man she'd already realized after maybe a week of knowing him that he was the best person she'd ever met, was what had her holding back all this time. Knowing who she was in her core, no matter how much he'd tried to persuade her she was different, better than that. She'd lied to get what she wanted. She'd lied to...hide. From him, from herself. And in what universe did a woman who did that deserve a man like Chuck Bartowski?
"Sarah, you're not...you're not being fair to yourself." She gave him her best REALLY? look but he didn't back down. "No, seriously. What right did I have to know your real name? You were right. You asked me to trust you, not to believe you."
He wasn't exactly helping to make her feel like someone who deserved him. But at the same time, she ached for him, she wanted him. Somehow even more than she had before tonight. Whether she deserved him or not.
"I did say that," she breathed, nodding slowly. "But I also need you to listen to one more truth and that is...that I-I was already having some...conflicting emotions. I knew you maybe a week or so, and there was already a...I don't know how to describe it. A pull." She'd wanted to protect him so badly, and that had bled into something deeper. Already. Almost immediately. It had been terrifying. "I was scared," she admitted quietly. "And I did everything I could to...push against that pull. Putting up barriers, hiding behind fortifications, keeping you at arm's length. Because I could not afford to have...well, this happen." She snorted, even giggling slightly. "Lotta good it did me in the long run, considering…"
"You put up a helluva fight," he said softly, and there wasn't anything sarcastic or negative in his tone, or in his face. It was just the truth, and he seemed to almost...understand, even if she knew that nobody could ever really understand what she'd been through in the last year since she first stepped foot in Burbank, California.
"I did. And not letting you in on...something as simple as a name was just one of the many things I tried to protect myself from...something I was sure would be very bad. For you, mainly. I thought snapping at you, being derisive when I asked if you really thought my name was Sarah, might make you pull back too. Rein it in. It'd make things a little...easier on me, at least I thought so. That...didn't work. To say the least."
"I made this all so difficult for you, didn't I? Constantly reaching for more from you, wanting real things from you. I made your job really hard."
"You did. But I'm so grateful to you for that. I don't think I've ever been more grateful." She took a deep breath and shrugged. "It made me better. Even if my job was harder. It made me see the world differently. It made me want things I didn't think I could have, sure, but… I didn't care enough to want much outside of being a good spy before this." She shut her eyes. "That's the truth, Chuck. So...yeah, there all that is." She pulled her knees up and dropped her forehead onto them. "My name is Sarah and I'm a liar. I lied to hide from my feelings for you, feelings that were becoming so intense, so quickly, that it was actively terrifying." She let out a weak "Taa daaaaaa" to fill the tense silence, and she felt absolutely ridiculous.
And she was sure she'd ever felt so strongly about a person as she did in that moment when he scooted closer to wrap his arms around her and pull her up against his chest, just holding her. Because he didn't say a word. He just held on tightly, and she could feel how grateful he was too, the way he gently smoothed her hair away from her face and placed a tender kiss to her forehead before squeezing her even tighter.
The reality of this entire night was threatening to crash down over her head now. She hadn't just had sex with Chuck Bartowski, she'd also told him something she hadn't told anyone else, something sacred. She'd laid bare her reasons for keeping it from him, and now he knew she'd had those feelings all the way back then, in those first few weeks. On top of all of that, this had all happened here, in this apartment, this space that had been hers, and only hers, for almost a decade, a space she'd never shared with anyone. Ever. And shit, she was frightened now. Out of her skin, practically.
"You know one of my biggest secrets," she said finally, quietly. "So I need you to understand something." She pulled back from him just enough to gaze into his eyes, wanting to drive the point home. "When I plead with you not to take a mission, please listen. I'm not doing it to be mean, I'm not doing it to be a pain, or because I don't think you can do it... I'm doing it to protect you, because you're—this is..." She gave him a pointed look instead of finishing that, and then her features softened. "But if something means that much to you, just talk to me. We are partners, Chuck."
There was silence for a moment as he nodded, thinking about what she had said. "I do trust you, it's not that… It's—Gah," he said, running his hand through his hair in frustration, his other hand slipping down to her waist. "I don't know why I did it that way, why I can't just let things lie."
"The same reason you joined the NSA," Sarah said softly. "It was the right thing to do."
Chuck gave her a long look. "What are you saying, Sarah?"
She heard the real meaning of his question, what he was really asking for. He wanted her to get to the point. "I'm saying it's not the choices you make that piss me off, it's that you don't trust me enough to talk to me about it."
"I trust you, Sarah." She gave him a flat look. "I do. You know I do. But I'm afraid you'll push back. And if you push back, it'll...it'll make me second guess things that I don't want to second guess." He sighed in frustration. He almost looked contrite and embarrassed by what he'd just admitted.
She slipped her hand down to his arm and squeezed comfortingly. "You are going to get push back from me sometimes. And it isn't that I'm trying to get you to second guess yourself, Chuck. It's that I know the spy life after being in it for a decade now, I know how fucked up it can get, and I just want you to...take that into consideration when you make these decisions…"
"I get that. But I still feel like I have to. I can't just go on with my life and ignore something like this when I know I can help."
"I know," she said. "Chuck, you're the most altruistic person I've ever met, and I'm not saying that in a mocking way like Casey might." Chuck rolled his eyes. "I'm not," she emphasized. It caused him to meet her gaze. "You give so much of yourself even to people you barely know, even while you have had so much taken away from you in your life. Instead of hiding away and being bitter, you've become…" She shook her head. "Like one of your comic book superheroes, running around righting wrongs. It's who you are, Chuck. It knocked me on my ass. And it changed a lot of things for me." She let her head fall back, looking up at the ceiling. "You know, Carina used to joke with me about how I have a type. Guys who look like heroes." She lowered her chin to her chest then, and finally lifted her head to hold his gaze. "She was wrong. My type is actual, full-blown hero. Which, I guess, presents a whole slew of problems for me." She sniffed in amusement.
"I'm no hero," he insisted, shaking his head vehemently. It wasn't just modesty for modesty's sake, she knew. He really believed he wasn't a hero. "You're the hero. And, listen, if you say no to something then it's no. You're the real spy here, the one who's been doin' this your whole adult life."
She gave him a long look. "Really?" she asked. "Mei Ling?" He looked away. She reached over, gently cupped his chin, and turned his head toward her. "Mario Kart?" A grin grew on his face. "Asking me out when I was your handler and you were my asset?" A grin grew on her face. "And what about this? Us?" She sobered up a bit and twisted her lips to the side, feeling that rawness again. "You didn't listen very well when I said this couldn't happen."
She watched the color rise to his cheeks. "This was different," he said quietly.
Sarah decided to leave that, merely nodding slowly. And then she switched gears back to her original point. "You're my partner, so we do these things together. We look out for one another, we have each other's backs. This?" She gestured between them. "It depends on that. So, in the future, talk to me, okay? Whether I give you push back or not, I'll be honest with you. As long as you're honest with me. We can move forward from there, but we need to talk to each other."
He was silent for a moment. And then he sighed. "I was afraid of how it would feel to realize you didn't think I could do this. Be a spy." He cleared his throat, looking straight ahead.
Sarah let that roll around in her brain before she responded. "It was never about whether or not I thought you could do it. You've already proven to me you can. You'd proven that to all of us before you joined the NSA, even. I just don't want you losing what makes you so great. And it hurt that you lied about it for so long. Just like it hurt that you went behind my back in getting us assigned to this mission." Chuck ducked his head, his brow furrowed in understanding and pain. "However you think I might react, whether you think it'll suck to hear what I might have to say, you still have to tell me. We need to talk about it. Okay?" She thrust her hand out between them, feeling a little silly holding the covers against her chest as she did so. "Partners?"
The serious look on his face turned into a smirk, just a small one, and she was a little dubious about what he was going to say to her. Part of her wanted to bolt, but the part of her that didn't want to won out. Also he'd just taken her hand and she felt that warmth behind her belly button starting to slowly spread. "So, to sum it up… When you say 'partners', what, uh...what do you mean? Just for my clarification." She rolled her eyes and didn't even bother trying to stop the grin. "You mean as spies, or do you mean as friends, or do you mean as...erm, you know... Or all of it?"
Good Lord, what was she supposed to do with all of that? She realized she had her own devilish smile on her face. "You just can't take the win, can you?"
The smile left his face, and he held her gaze, his look serious. "No, I can't. I find that I get very greedy where you're involved, Sarah Walker."
Her devilish smile was gone, and a hunger awakened inside of her like she had never felt before in her life. Words didn't suffice. Instead, she fed off of the hunger, leaning in to press her lips to his. She felt a certain energy in him snap and buzz, his arms rounded her body, and she found herself being lowered back to the mattress again.
}o{
Chuck was still sleeping deeply when a hand landed on his shoulder and shook him gently. It took a few seconds for him to realize what was even happening, and when he did, he groaned quietly and scrunched his face up, peeling his eyes open and looking down at the hand on his shoulder.
His tired gaze slid up the arm and fastened on her face. And he felt a warmth flood him immediately. "Oh. Hi."
"Morning," she said with no small amount of affection. But he immediately sensed nerves in her, too.
"What? What is it? S'wrong?" he asked then.
"No, it—It's just that we need to be back at headquarters soon to get our briefing from General Beckman. That's all." She squeezed his shoulder, then slowly stood up from where she'd been sitting on the edge of the bed beside him.
Everything came to him in gentle dribs and drabs as he laid back against her bed's pillows and yawned. "Oh," he hummed through the yawn, stretching his arms up over his head and feeling the delicious pops in his shoulders and back.
Glancing at the clock, he realized he'd maybe gotten three hours of sleep at the most, thanks to what had happened instead. More than a few times.
He slipped his hands over his face and behind the safe curtain of his fingers, he grinned so hard his jaw popped. His thoughts were a jumble, but he felt happiness and joy and ten thousand other wonderful sensations crashing through every bit of his existence. He let himself enjoy it for a few moments.
Because last night had been something he hadn't allowed himself to even imagine might happen.
That wasn't true. He'd imagined it. Plenty of times. And he'd yearned for it, wanted it, ached for it for so long. But the thought of it actually happening had always seemed too good to be true.
Because it wasn't just about what had happened between them physically.
There'd been a moment after the first time, when they'd stilled, and she'd rolled off of him to flop onto the bed… She'd turned her back to him for just a moment, and he'd felt an ice cold chill run through him. He'd frozen. And he was so sure for that split second that when she turned back, he'd find regret on her face. She'd pull back, she'd pull away from him. He'd get the spiel about why they shouldn't have done it. She'd send him away.
He felt like a jerk. He'd been wrong. He'd been so wrong about her. Because instead, she'd turned over to face him, a breathless giggle erupting out of her as she pushed her hands through her hair. And then she'd buried herself in his arms.
They hadn't just met physically last night and well into this morning. They'd talked, they'd laughed, they'd held onto each other in more ways than just sexually. They had clung to one another like their lives depended on it, her fingers digging into his skin, into his muscle, so tightly it left him breathless just to think about it again. He'd felt the relief in her, the same relief coursing through him. A sense of finally that filled the air, made the atmosphere surrounding them feel light and free, even with the intensity flaring between them.
He hadn't just had the best sex of his life. There was something monumental that had happened between them, and like she'd repeated back to him last night, everything had changed. They weren't going back.
Ellie had made him watch a movie with her when they were teenagers. Fred Astaire was so happy and in love that he'd tap danced up the walls of his room and ended up dancing on the ceiling. That was how Chuck felt. He felt like he could pop out of this bed and dance his way onto the ceiling.
"You okay?"
He peeked out between his fingers and saw she was watching him with a bit of concern, one eyebrow arched as she finished tying the robe she'd thrown on over her underthings.
Chuck lowered his hands and pushed himself to sit up then, nodding. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm good. I'm...great. Actually." He felt a slow grin cross over his features. "So long as what happened last night wasn't some sort of...dream."
She blushed—he swore he saw it on her cheeks, just a light hue of pink—but gave him a droll look anyway, pointing at him. "Corny."
"Yeeahhhh," he drawled, beaming at her.
Snorting quietly, she shook her head, a smile on her face she didn't seem all too eager to hide behind a mask, he noted, and then she raised her eyebrows at him. "Chuck, as nice as it would be for us to get to just lie around all morning, we have a briefing in a little over three hours. Depending on D.C. traffic and how long it takes you to get ready once you take a taxi back to your hotel, that might not be that much time. So…"
"Chop chop?" he asked. He wasn't sure why three hours wasn't enough time to at least lie here for a little while longer, and he wouldn't mind extra cuddling either. But he would comply. He was smirking even as he pushed the sheets off of him and swung his legs over the side of the bed to stand up. He stretched again, fixing the waistband of his boxers so that it covered a bit more of his pelvic bones. He missed the way Sarah paused and watched him do it, before casting her gaze in another direction.
Chuck glanced around the room then. "Um, d'you… Have you seen my…? I had an undershirt. A white one. And I don't know where it went."
"Oh. Yeah. Um." Sarah cleared her throat and tucked her hair behind her ear, not looking at him as she crossed to the bed and pulled the duvet up to check under the sheets. "I maybe foun—oh wait. No, it's…" She pulled her hand back out from under the jumbled covers to reveal a bra. "That's mine."
"Well, it's certainly not mine."
She gave him a look. "Are you going to help me, or what?"
He smiled a little at the humor in her tone. "Right, sorry. On it."
Chuck got on his hands and knees, swiping his hand around on her floors, looking for articles of clothing. He picked up an awful lot of dust, but he couldn't judge Sarah, really. After all, it had been something like a year since she'd lived in this place.
He finally found the shirt kicked underneath the bed somehow, and his jeans wedged under the covers, trapped between the mattress and the board at the foot of Sarah's bed. They'd practically had to take her bed apart to get at them. The rest of his clothes were easy enough to spot, scattered on the ground.
It was as he was shrugging on his button-up that he glanced over his shoulder and saw that Sarah was pacing a little bit, as if she didn't know what to do with herself. She'd put the bed back together, straightened her desk even though there wasn't much on it, rummaged in a suitcase...all still while wearing her robe, her hair still mussed from sleep.
Chuck almost asked if she was okay but he paused. There was an almost manic feel to the way she was moving, the wideness of her blue eyes. He didn't know if he'd ever seen her like this before and he had some...questions.
But as he tied his last shoe and raised his head to finally broach the topic, she held up a rigid finger and he snapped his mouth shut with a click of his teeth.
"We need to talk. Before you leave this apartment, we really need to talk."
All Chuck could do was stare at her, slowly standing back up from where he'd sat on the edge of the bed to put his socks and shoes on. "Uh...oh...okay." Shit. "What, uh, what do we—"
"About this, Chuck. Us. What happened." She huffed and shook her head, closing the distance slowly, crossing her arms at her chest. "Let's be honest, it's been happening from the beginning, it's just that last night it really happened. Like...all the way."
"Yeah, it did," he drawled, and she gave him a look, making him clear his throat, dropping the cheeky grin all together. "I mean, it-it did," he added with a shrug, his eyelids fluttering.
Sarah's tongue slowly snuck out from between her lips to wet them before darting back inside again. "We told each other at some point early this morning...er...I think...I lost track of time…" Chuck bit back a response intelligently. "We told each other that we couldn't go back. We can't go back." He nodded slowly. "We really can't. And what's more, I don't—I don't want to, Chuck. I'm tired of lying to you, of lying to myself about...how I feel about you. I'm tired of denying it. Fighting it. I just—I won't. I won't do it anymore."
His heart was racing, his mouth going dry. He wasn't even sure how to feel. This really felt like a dream, except that Sarah Walker was being very human as she stood there in front of him, shifting her weight with anxious energy, hugging herself, her chest rising with rapid little breaths. And in that moment, he felt a sudden rush of pure and unadulterated love assail him.
"What?" she asked, lowering her chin a bit to stare at him expectantly.
"Nothin'," he breathed warmly, just smiling at her. "It just feels good to hear you say that. I agree. With all of it."
"Okay, but how much did you really fight it, Chuck?" she asked drily.
His jaw fell open as he feigned offense. "I—I fought it! A little!" Her look got flatter. "I tried anyway! Okay? Whatever."
Sarah let out a quiet giggle and shook her head. She sobered up quickly. "Chuck, we need to nail this down. There is a lot that's...happening right now and our timing on this is…"
"Bad?"
"Kinda! Yeah!" She shrugged, shaking her head. "But the biggest thing is that I don't know who to trust, Chuck. Besides you." He swallowed hard, just watching, listening closely. She was serious, the agent coming back into play. He could see it, feel it. And he wondered if she'd been planning this for a while as she let him sleep this morning. So he watched and listened. "And this is kind of a big deal. What just happened. Between us."
"It is, but I'm not...I'm not an asset. Not anymore. Let alone your asset. I'm an agent. Your partner."
"I know. I know you are. It isn't that. It's… Look, this is difficult enough. We're already being watched with a lot of interest, this team of ours. We're being surveyed. And I don't think it's a stretch to say that there are...some out there, our superiors, Beckman's superiors even, who are just chewing at the bit for us to fail. So that they can disband this team, say 'I told you so' about us, about you especially, making you an agent instead of tossing you in a bunker to protect the Intersect. That'd be such a weight off their backs. All they need is the slightest whiff of-of a...romance between us. Do you get what I'm saying, Chuck?"
He frowned, unable to help himself as what she was saying percolated in his exhausted brain. The adrenaline from waking up and remembering the glorious happenings of the night before was starting to dull now.
"Are you saying that we can't...do this? That we can't be together? Even though we wanna be? Even though we've come this far and fought this hard? Even though it isn't against the rules anym—?"
"No, Chuck. That isn't it," she cut in, grabbing his forearm tightly and stepping in close. "Not at all. I told you. I agreed with you last night, there's no going back." His heart started beating again and he tried not to let the relief show too much. "I'm saying I don't think it'd be smart to let anyone know." She licked her lips again as he tried to understand what she was getting at. "Nobody can know what happened last night. And nobody can know how I feel about you, or how you feel about me. Most importantly though, nobody can know that we're together." 'We're together.' Holy shit! "That we've gone so far now that we're at a place we can't go back from. God, does that make any sense?" she asked with a self-deprecating shake of her head.
Chuck tried to stamp down the crazy butterflies wilding in his chest and furrowed his brow, narrowing his eyes, thinking about it. She was right that there were most likely people waiting for this team to fail, especially now that General Beckman had offered him a legitimate spot in the NSA, allowing Casey to conduct his training, along with Sarah and Shaw, instead of going through the full process recruits were supposed to go through. He was probably seen as a waste of resources and money. He imagined Beckman's superiors preferred him sitting in a bunker. He was a liability. And if they knew he and Sarah were…He couldn't get past what she'd said, with her mouth, without pausing. "Together?" he asked out loud then, blinking and looking up at her. "Are you saying we're...a couple?" Sarah's eyes widened a bit. "Sarah, did you just ask me out?"
"Oh, God, did we just go back to middle school, Chuck? Can we not? This is serious." She rubbed the bridge of her nose.
"No, I'm—I'm serious. I'm being serious." He schooled his features. "I just want to get it straight. We're in a relationship… That's what's happening here…"
"Yes."
Chuck made fists with both hands and thrust them both up into the air, biting his bottom lip and shutting his eyes tight. He pumped them a few times, then lowered his arms back to his sides. "Okay, I'm good. I needed to just—" But then her lips were covering his and her cool hands cupped his jaw, pulling him in even closer.
When she pulled back, she sighed, meeting his gaze and lowering herself back down from her tiptoes. "It means we can't do this in front of anyone. And especially with Shaw around all the time? I do not trust that guy. I don't. Not at all." She shook her head, letting her hands drift down to his chest, slowly buttoning his shirt for him. "He already knows that you, me, and Casey are close. We're a strong unit. We're good at what we do. The three of us are a fantastic team together. But I don't think he's picked up on the two of us, the extra…"
"Somethin' somethin'?" he grumbled, smoldering a little at her. He wondered if it would be too intimate, but he did it anyway; he curled his fingers around her hand and pulled it up to place a warm kiss to her palm, then turned her hand to brush a kiss against her knuckles.
Sarah seemed to almost melt into him, their chests pressed together. "Yeah, that. He especially can't know because I don't know what he'd do with that info."
"There's also the whole superhero's significant other conundrum, too," Chuck muttered thoughtfully.
She blinked. "The what?"
"The easiest way to get Peter Parker to do what you want is to kidnap Mary Jane Watson and dangle her over the side of a twenty story building."
Sarah narrowed her eyes at him, then shook her head a little. He watched as his meaning started to dawn on her. "Oh. Oh, yeah. Yes. Finding your enemy's weakness. Using the person they care about to get what you want." She sighed heavily, her eyes shutting for a moment. "If Shaw's not on the up and up, I don't want him to know about us being together. I don't want him using one of us against the other. I don't want either of us dangled off a bridge."
Chuck nodded then, fully understanding her reasoning. "As much as I'd love to have this be a real relationship, you're making an awful lot of sense."
"It is real, Chuck."
He would've fallen right on his ass if she hadn't immediately cupped his face, leaning up on her tiptoes to look him right in his eyes. "We know it's real. And when it's safe, we can...we can be real together."
"Is that code for sex?"
"Chuck."
"Sorry."
She looked slightly amused anyway. "We have to be extremely careful. We don't have to fight it, or hide it all the time. Just...you know, we have to be smart. Methodical. I've figured out by now where all of the cameras are. The bugs. We're safe here. And in my place back in LA. And in your apartment; Casey removed all the bugs. But outside of those safe spaces, we have to play like everything is exactly the same as it was twenty-four hours ago."
"A cover...that's over a cover…" He tilted his head, wrinkling his nose and pursing his lips in thought. "Is there a third cover in there? I have tired-brain."
"I don't know. It doesn't matter. You get the idea, though, right?"
"No, I do. I get it. And I get why we need to do this, but...when you say we need to keep it from everyone—just so I'm clear on this—do you mean Casey too?" She nodded, wincing. "Ellie and Morgan even?" She nodded again, wincing even harder. "Shit. Oh man, shit. That's not… That's a lot harder."
"I know it is, Chuck, but it's how it has to be or it'll be way too difficult for us to keep this up. It'll be hard enough as it is now that last night happened. But I need you to keep this from everyone. It's just for us. We're the only ones that can know we're actually in a relationship. A real one."
He sighed, feeling an ache in his chest as he pushed a hand through his messy curls and nodded. "No, you're right. You're right. We can't tell anyone. And we have to be careful."
"So you agree? We're going to be in a real relationship under the cover of a fake relationship that everyone besides the people who know we're spies thinks is real…" She shook herself a little. "God, this is a mess."
"It is, but it's—it's okay. To be with you, I'd go through just about anything. Okay, fine, literally anything. Everything."
Sarah gave him a smile overflowing with warmth and affection. "Yeah, this is definitely worth it," she said with no small amount of resolution. But just as suddenly, that manic look was there again and she pulled back.
"Okay, so…" Sarah moved to her desk with long strides then, grabbing the notebook that was there, a pen, and walking back up to him. What was she, taking notes? What was going on? "Before you go back to your hotel room, before we go to Langley and stand in front of Shaw and the General, two people who definitely cannot know that we're sleeping together now…" Wow, she really just came out and said that. Well, okay. "...we need to go over some ground rules."
Chuck blinked. "S-What, uh…? Hm?" He leaned in a little.
She flipped the notebook open and he saw a page full of her neat scrawl. "So I wrote down a few things."
"That...looks like more than a few—"
"Rule number one. Absolutely nobody can know that we're doing this. Nobody." She looked him right in the eye, holding his gaze steadily, seriously. "That means Casey. That means Morgan. Devon. Even Ellie. Not a single soul besides the two of us can know."
Chuck gaped. "Y-Yeah, we established that. Did you...really write all this down?"
"Yes. Rule number two." God, she was in full Agent Walker the Secret Agent mode. "No touching if we are somewhere that has an established CIA and/or NSA presence. That means the Buy More, Casey's apartment, and wherever there are surveillance cameras or bugs. Unless it is for blatant cover-protecting reasons."
"What—Um, what constitutes...blatant?"
She huffed and looked at her notebook. "Chuck, I didn't write anything like that down. We don't have time for side questions. Stay on task." He blinked as she went back to her notebook. "Rule number three." He blinked again. "We need to be very clear on the explicit boundaries of where that cover begins and ends. Ellie, Devon, Morgan, Casey, Beckman, and Shaw all know we are not together, that the boyfriend girlfriend thing is a cover. Nobody else knows that. So we only keep up that cover around the Buy Morons."
"Did you actually write 'Buy Morons' down?" he couldn't help but ask.
"Chuck, this isn't funny. If we make even one wrong move, this all falls apart and you're in a lot of danger. Shaw is extremely untrustworthy."
He cleared his throat and nodded. "No, you're right. You're right. Sorry. Continue."
"And virtually everyone else besides those people think we're a couple."
"So those are the times I can touch you? Like hand holding? Hugging? This?" He reached up to gently tuck some of her hair behind her ear. Her eyelids fluttered and she sighed.
Finally, she cracked just a bit of a smile. "Yeah. That. But be careful with that. Don't go too overboard just because you can."
"I can?"
She tried really hard not to show her amusement and he saw right through it. "Rule number four."
"How many rules are there?"
"Zip it."
"Right."
"Under no circumstances can you call me Agent Walker in the same way you did last night." Chuck swallowed crookedly and choked, looking at her with wide eyes. She was completely unmoved, continuing, one brow arched. "That would immediately let anyone within listening range in on what we're doing behind closed doors."
Oh, there was a lot to unpack there.
"I-I feel like that rule is a little…" He cleared his throat. "I'm pretty sure I won't be saying any of the things I said last night in front of...anyone else. It kind of—I mean, you could just slot that in with Rule Number One, ya know?"
She raised her eyebrows and pursed her lips, tilting her head as if he'd made a good point. "Noted." He watched as she took her pen and drew an arrow from 'Rule Number Four' to 'Rule Number One'. He really wasn't all that sure what was happening here. Still.
"So is...is that it?"
"No. Rule number five." He sighed. "Did you just sigh at me?" she asked then, pulling her chin back. "I didn't write these because I was bored, Chuck. I spent pretty much the entire time you were sleeping writing these down so that we would have a plan for how to do this successfully. It isn't gonna be easy, pulling this off."
"No, I know. I'm sorry. I just...I wasn't expecting...any of this."
"And I was? When I invited you over last night, it was to chew you out for going behind my back with that rescue mission idea. I didn't exactly plan to have sex with you or get myself in this deep."
He cleared his throat. "That's fair. What's rule number five? No more sighing. I'm done sighing."
"Good." Help him, God, but the snippety way she'd just clipped that one word out, with that look on her face, had him not all that sure he would last much longer than the next hour or so. "Rule number five. That look you have on your face right now? Cut that shit out." His jaw dropped. "Sorry. It just—It's very obvious, and I'm worried that now that we've had sex and made this...pact of sorts...that you'll do it more often and not even realize it. And it'll be right in front of Shaw. That cannot happen. With him especially."
"Well, I'm pretty sure everyone is pretty clued in on how I feel about you. It'd probably not be all that surprising to them if they caught me looking at you with whatever that look is."
"You're doing it again."
"Crap. I can't help it."
She softened a bit at that. Then: "Try to. Please. Especially with Shaw. You have a point about everyone else. But Shaw doesn't know that we've always had this between us. Okay?"
He nodded emphatically. "Okay. Yes. You're right. I'm gonna try harder."
"Thank you. Rule number six." She looked down at her notes. "I hate to keep playing rank with you, Chuck, but it's going to be especially important now that you listen to me. I don't have any experience covering up a relationship under the cover of a relationship that's just a cover." Chuck made a face, trying to work out the jumble of repetitive words she'd just spouted. "But I do have a lot of experience with cover work. I'm the best in the business at it. So follow my lead. And do as I say. Please."
"Got it."
"Rule number seven. I will never stop trusting you. And I need you to never stop trusting me. The biggest thing I need you to trust me on is that I'm serious about what I said, about there being no going back now. I can't pretend this never happened with you, and I won't, but with everyone else, I have to. I need you to trust me, no matter what I say or do in front of other people. Trust that we're on the same page, and that the...real stuff...is still there even if you can't see it or hear it."
He felt a slow, warm smile spread over his face and he stepped in even closer. She stepped back and gave him a warning look. He held his hands up and winced. "Sorry. I just—You can't expect me not to react to that." He stood down at the pleading look she gave him. "Fine, fine. Keep going."
"Rule number eight…" She huffed. "I know how much you're going to want to respond to Casey's weird sexual innuendo and food thing that he does—the fucking creep—but I need you to please, please behave. I can't have you letting something slip about...zucchini and eggs or something and he'll just...know immediately."
Chuck yelled, "WHAT?!" and burst into laughter. "What does that even mean?!"
"Well, if you don't know, I'm certainly not going to tell you. Can I please continue?"
He wiped his eyes, trying to calm down, controlling his laughter at least a bit. "Okay, okay. Yes, you can continue. I'll do my best to behave and not let Casey rile me up with his weird innuendo."
"That goes for Devon too. Hold on, let me add that here in the margin."
"I mean, I could just...remember, and you could save the ink—Or!" he corrected himself when she glared. "You can write it down in the margin. I just thought we didn't have time for side—I'm sorry, I'm shutting up."
God, her glares were especially effective somehow after last night had happened. He had no idea how that worked, they just were.
"Rule number nine. We need to be especially careful not to slip into a state of...domesticity. Things that might occur in a regular relationship. That means no leaving anything of yours at my place, not in my bathroom, my closet, my drawers, no socks under my bed. And that goes for me being in your bedroom. That means being extra careful about texts as well, just in case."
"So you're telling me I can't leave a love note on your Orange Orange register for you to see first thing in the morning so you start your day off with a smile?"
"N—" But then she paused, melting a little. "Maybe we can find a way to work that into the cover."
"Niiiiiice," he drawled, grinning and winking. She blushed a little. He wanted to wrap her up in his arms and kiss her.
Biting her lip, she looked back down at her notebook. "Rule number ten. This is very important. Now that I'm thinking about it? Maybe the most important thing." He crossed his arms at his chest and nodded. "No matter what happens, no matter what kind of trouble one or both of us are in, even if it's maybe something that won't be what you or I want to hear…" She took a deep breath. "Even if you know it might hurt, Chuck… We can't keep secrets from one another. And especially no lying."
He softened and reached up to slip his palm over her jaw, cupping her face as he met her gaze seriously. "Agreed. No secrets, no lies."
"No secrets, no lies," she repeated back to him, slipping her hand that clutched the pen up to cover his against her face. "You promise me."
"I promise."
"Because we can't do this if we aren't being honest with one another. We're going to be lying and hiding secrets and tiptoeing and sidestepping with literally everybody else. We can only do that if we're not doing it with each other." He nodded vehemently. "Okay. Good. Thank you."
"You're welcome." He sighed, then, glad to see she'd reached the end of the list. As difficult as this would be, she was right about setting up some rules and guidelines. It would be a lot easier for him to maneuver this now that he had an idea of what it was going to look and feel like.
But then Sarah flipped the page to reveal another two whole pages of writing. "So, just another twenty or so rules I've written down here, and I'd like to proceed through them as quickly as possible…"
Chuck could only stare at the woman standing in front of him in terror.
A/N: Uh...SC, you didn't slip rule eight in there to get me to stop slipping those innuendos in did you? SC….SC? SC! *sigh* So, now can I say….ISH
Thanks for reading. Please review!
-SC and DC