A/N: The aftermath of the fight against Grail referenced in Chapter 71 History.
"Shayera!"
John woke with a start. He stumbled to his feet, nearly falling over in his haste to unwind from the blanket. By the time he was standing John was awake enough to remember what had happened.
Gathering his wits, he sat back down on the edge of the bed and looked behind him to where Shayera should have been sleeping. The only reason why she wasn't sleeping next to him was because...
John felt a pang in his chest and he gritted his teeth. Shayera was in the medbay nearly dead, or unconscious, or whatever she was at this point. All John knew was that she wasn't waking up and he had been too tired to argue with J'onn when the Martian had ushered him out of the medbay and told him to get some rest.
He forced away the memories of his nightmare still clinging to his thoughts. John was being ridiculous and he knew it. Shayera was fine. Well maybe not fine but her heart was beating and she was breathing. John figured that had to mean something. Yet Shayera's fluttering heartbeat was weak and her injuries were severe enough that it wasn't an unfounded worry that she could still die.
John knew he should be resting and caring for his own injuries. He should go back to sleep and do his best to recuperate. It had been only three days since the fight against Grail and her Apokoliptian forces and his body still ached from it. John hadn't even recharged his power ring yet; for some odd reason he couldn't bring himself to do so.
Whenever he closed his eyes he could see every hit Grail had landed. He could see each time Shayera had defiantly got back up after each hit. He could see when Grail had broken her left wing, amongst several other bones, to simply toy with her. He could feel her limp body in his arms. He distinctly couldn't feel her heart beating or see her lungs drawing in breaths when she was in his arms.
Vehemently shaking his head, John left the room. The halls of the Watchtower were eerily quiet. A morbid atmosphere had taken them over after the League had lost so many. Thankfully, he wasn't very far from the medbay.
John paused in the hallway and looked out of the bay windows. He remembered how multiple Justice League members had been slaughtered by Grail and her followers. At one point it was just him and Wonder Woman fending off Grail. Eventually Diana had been defeated and his own ring ran out of power. That was when Shayera had intervened and stopped Grail from killing him. At that moment Shayera had become the only person standing in Grail's way of activating her father box to permanently prevent Superman and the others from returning from New Genesis. Ever since the fight occurred John was wracked with guilt and worried that Shayera was going to die.
John exhaled a breath he didn't even realize he was holding. He turned when he heard footsteps and stiffened at the sight of Superman walking towards him. "John?" He asked, surprised. "What are you doing awake this late? You should be asleep, you were injured too."
"I just," he said before swallowing. "I couldn't sleep." It wasn't a lie. John would do anything at this point to avoid sleeping and returning to the nightmares.
Clark's expression softened with pity, a look that John hated. The Kryptonian looked at the Green Lantern like he was helpless and he hated that more than anything. John hated that it was true.
"Are you alright?" Clark asked him sincerely.
John drew himself up straighter, smoothing him expression over as best as he could. "I'm fine. I think I'm going to try to go back to sleep."
Clark's frown tightened. "John-"
"Goodnight Clark," he curtly interrupted him.
Clark didn't call after him again and he didn't try to follow him. The most infuriating part was that John didn't know if he wanted him to or not.
John walked around the corner and paused. Instead of going left, back to their room, he went right. He knew exactly where he was going, who he needed to see.
Before John even realized it he was standing in front of a door in the medbay.
The door wasn't locked. It wouldn't be since that first required the occupant of the room to be conscious. John sighed as the door slid open. Despite the low light, it wasn't hard to see. John almost wished that it was darker as he drew closer to Shayera's bedside. A part of him didn't want to see her like this.
John swallowed a sigh. He pulled a chair up to Shayera's bedside, content to just watch her for a moment. He could hear the heart monitor beeping but it didn't comfort him. Her heartrate was supposed to be faster than a human's. Now it was barely below the average for a human which was dangerously low for a Thanagarian. Then there was the nasal cannula that are supposed to be helping her breathe easier. With his gaze trained on her chest, John could watch it slowly rise and fall with her breathing. Corpses didn't breathe. Corpses didn't have heartbeats. She was alive, he kept telling himself, and that was a start. Yet staring at Shayera made it impossible to ignore her injuries.
J'onn had said the only thing that had kept Shayera alive had been her Thanagarian endurance; any regular human would have succumbed to the injuries. John didn't know if that was supposed to be a comforting fact or if J'onn was just being straight forward. The main issue had been the internal bleeding. Shayera had no living blood donors on Earth. It would take weeks if not months for her body to fully recover from the amount of blood loss she had endured. If she survived her injuries.
Other than her splinted left wing, which they hoped was splinted correctly, Shayera had plenty of other injuries. Some were less severe than others but John didn't think that made the situation any better. Her left wrist and arm had been broken and were now in a cast held against her chest with a sling. Her left shoulder had been dislocated and her collarbone cracked. Her sternum had been cracked. All of her ribs on her left side had been broken. One had punctured and collapsed her left lung. Another piece had punctured an organ, which J'onn had assumed to be the equivalent of a human spleen when he had no choice but to remove it. The Martian had been forced to perform more guess work than he cared to admit when treating her injuries. The left side of her pelvis had been fractured, which had also resulted in other internal injuries. She had cracks in her left femur, tibia, and ankle. That didn't include all of the tendons and ligaments that had been torn. The worst of them being in her left knee and left shoulder.
John knew Grail had purposely and methodically picked her apart piece by piece. Her wrist was broken first to prevent her from handling her mace and fighting properly. Then her arm so she couldn't defend herself. Her pelvis so that she was forced into the sky. The second John saw Grail grab Shayera's left wing he knew what she was going to do. The moment her wing had been broken the type of pained scream that had come from Shayera was something that John had never heard before. To add insult to injury, Grail had then performed a backbreaker on Shayera, which had resulted in two cracked vertebrae, and had let her plummet to the ground. The other injuries had just been little trophies to Grail as she took pleasure in dismantling the Thanagarian during their fight, if it could even be called that.
It wasn't right or fair. All Shayera had ever tried to do was help people. She did nothing to deserve this.
He closed his eyes, remembering how Virgil had called J'onn over the commlinks and told him the situation. Only seconds later Wally had been the one to pry Shayera from his arms, though John wasn't able to put up much of a fight. Wally had been as calm and mature as he'd ever seen him, directing Virgil to shock Shayera. Once they had gotten her pulse back, Wally had raced off with her to the Metro Tower. At that moment a part of John had been convinced that to let Shayera out of his sight meant her heart would stop again.
Because Shayera had technically died. John had felt it not seconds after he picked her up off the ground, holding the battered Thanagarian in his arms. He had felt her last breath as her body went limp. She had died in his arms yet here she was anyway, still breathing.
For all intents and purposes, John knew that he had failed. If it hadn't been for Flash and Static, Shayera wouldn't have survived and it would have been his fault.
Images from his nightmare drifted back to him then. In his dreams, Shayera had died and she had stayed dead. Grail would come and use her omega beams to finish her off each and every time. Once the nightmares woke him all he could see in his mind were the real world images of her broken body, Grail literally killing her hit by hit right in front of him, and the sight of Shayera's own blood, all of it was seared into his mind. John knew it would never go away and that it would haunt him until the day he died.
John moved his chair closer to Shayera's bedside, glancing briefly at her face. John wondered if she was uncomfortable at all since they had been forced to lay her on her back due to her injuries. Under normal circumstances it was uncomfortable for her to lay on her back. He could only imagine what it must have felt like right now. He gently took hold of her right hand and wondered if she could even feel him touching her hand. Though part of him also hoped she wasn't able to feel anything at the same time.
His fingers curled around her wrist. John closed his eyes. He could feel her weak pulse but it was there, fluttering and fragile. Every pause between beats made his chest tighten and his stomach turn, his worry consuming him, but then Shayera's heartbeat would continue as though that second where it hadn't been beating was nothing but John's overactive imagination.
And just perhaps maybe it was. John felt frayed, at his wit's end. Out of the two of them Shayera was always the strong one. Compared to her, he felt weak.
This was the worst John had ever seen Shayera injured. Granted, he hadn't seen her with too many serious injuries over the years. She was a fast healer so even the injuries she did sustain didn't take her out for very long. Before this fight the worst he had seen was when the Justice Lords' Green Lantern had blasted her. Even then it had taken less than a week for her to fully recover. Outside of that, her dislocating a shoulder was a common occurrence but nothing a day of rest didn't heal. Even that one time when she had split her head open on the concrete had only resulted in a concussion that knocked her out for three days; for a human it would have been fatal.
But none of it was anything compared to how Shayera was right now.
John took a deep breath and brushed a bang away from her face as he then glided the back of his hand against her cheek.
Biting back a surge of frustration, John heard the door to the room slide open. The Green Lantern found himself tensing for a second before he felt relief that it was only Wally.
"You didn't go to the cafeteria for dinner earlier," Wally started. "Or lunch, or breakfast, or dinner yesterday, or the lunch before that, or the breakfast before that."
John rolled his eyes and ignored the sudden reminder that he hadn't eaten since before the fight against Grail had begun. "I get it Wally."
There was no point in arguing with the speedster when he was right. John couldn't understand how Wally thought he was supposed to do something as menial as eating with Shayera like this. She was just as close to dying as she had been when brought to the medbay. John had a horrible feeling that if he left her room for even a moment that something would happen.
John just continued to stare at Shayera and ignored the fact that Wally was still in the room. John could feel Wally staring at him. "I'll kill her," he darkly muttered, partly to fill the silence and partly because he felt like he would fall apart if he didn't release some of the fury stirring in his chest. "If I ever see Grail again, I'm going to kill her for doing this to Shayera."
Shayera wouldn't have liked to hear that come from him but if Shayera was conscious she wouldn't have liked being so injured that she was on the brink of death either. Knowing her, Shayera would be making her own death threats against Grail right now.
But what if he had enough power left in his ring back then? What then? Would he and Shayera have been able to take Grail on together? Would Shayera have not become so injured? Realistically John knew Grail would have made them both into fools, into a joke. They both would have been dead. If that Boom Tube that brought Superman back to Earth had been a minute slower then Grail would have succeeded in closing off all access to the fourth dimension and would have destroyed the Earth.
"You'll need some serious backup for a fight like that," It wasn't Wally's voice but Diana's that had joined the conversation. John looked up and was surprised to see Diana in the doorway. Her right arm in a cast and sling as she had bandages and bruises over various parts of her body, her expression was unmistakably marred with anger and resentment. Grail had humiliated the Amazonian Princess when she had defeated her and John knew that Diana's warrior pride had been damaged as a result. "Luckily, I have a bone to pick with her as well." Diana stepped into the room herself at this point. Her words seemed confident but something in her tone was wrong. John couldn't place what it was though.
Still, John managed a grateful snort. "I know," he said quietly. The anger that had been so potent a moment ago drained out of him. He wanted to say something more, just to keep the silence from growing tense, but John couldn't think of anything to say.
John then heard footsteps against the metal floor as Wally drifted closer. John didn't acknowledge him. It was obvious that Wally had something he wanted to say and John had the uncomfortable feeling that he wasn't going to like it. What was Diana there for? As backup? She wasn't much better with 'emotionally delicate' situations than Wally was.
When he was standing next to him, Wally set a hand on his shoulder. John tried and failed not to tense up but at least succeeded in not pushing him away at that very second. John resolutely forced himself to continue to just pay attention to Shayera and not up at the speedster.
"John," he sounded so serious and mature that John had to remind himself that it was Wally. "You know...you don't have to watch over Shayera nonstop. You need to rest a little too. She doesn't need supervision all the time and you know she doesn't like it when you do that either," he awkwardly pointed out, betraying the uncertainty in his own words. John didn't blame him. It wasn't like either of them had been in a situation anywhere close to this before. John also knew this was just as difficult on Wally as it was for him to see Shayera like this.
Despite this Wally was the one trying to keep everyone optimistic that Shayera was going to recover and be just fine. John was the one stewing in his own misery and disappointment and anger. Then again, Wally hadn't seen it. He hadn't been there to watch it happen, to let it happen. He hadn't failed.
"I don't need to rest," John snapped, his words like ice. He shrugged Wally's hand off of his shoulder and sent him a light glare.
Upon twisting around to face him, their eyes met, and John was nearly quieted by the look he saw on the speedster's face. Wally looked just as tired as he was. He must have been as sick with worry as he was, losing sleep over concerns for John and Shayera both. But he didn't look defeated like John did.
John's gaze hardened because he refused to let himself be weak again and he held Wally's stare as he said, "I know exactly where I'm needed right now. I wasn't able to protect her then but I can be here with her now."
Wally opened his mouth like he was going to argue further with him but was cut off when Diana, crossing the room quickly, clapped a hand down on his shoulder. He winced, shooting Diana a dirty look, but she still had her blue eyes fixated firmly on his brown ones. It was quiet for a moment before Diana firmly spoke, "You need to take care of yourself as well. Do you think Shayera would approve of you doing this?"
He disgruntledly realized Diana was right. John frowned, unsure how to reply. But he looked down at his hand as it gripped Shayera's.
He wasn't just angry. As unbefitting as it was for a Green Lantern, for the first time in a long time John felt raw fear. The type of fear he felt hadn't stopped since he saw Grail punch Shayera full force in the ribs and the Thanagarian had begun to cough up blood. At that very second John had become absolutely terrified that Shayera was going to die.
"Shayera's well being is more important than mine right now," he shot back, suddenly defensive.
The anger returned and ran through him so strong that it took his breath away but the feeling wasn't directed at Grail this time; it was directed at himself.
This never should have happened. It should have been him not her.
Diana just silently stared at him for a moment before sighing. "You're just as stubborn as she is," she said dismissively. "But if you're going to stay and look after Shayera then we will too. We did say the founders were like a family, didn't we?"
John was about to shake his head but then paused. "I mean yeah...we are but...you don't have to..." he fumbled for an excuse, then ultimately settled for a scowl.
"Great! Then there's no harm in us staying, right?" Wally ignored the second glare that John sent his way and pulled up the only other chair in the room. He sat right next to John. Diana leaned her back against the wall as she stood behind them.
He tried to be annoyed or even angry but John quickly deflated. "Fine," he muttered, knowing that they could be just as stubborn as him and Shayera.
When they didn't reply, a content sort of silence fell over them. John ran his thumb along her palm and found the familiar groove of her wrist. There was her heartbeat, beating just as erratically as it had been. It was better than nothing.
John took a deep breath. Corpses don't have heartbeats, he kept telling himself over and over again, a fervent mantra. Eventually, he felt himself relax.
Maybe it was the stress of the last few days, maybe it was the reassurance of Shayera's hand in his, or maybe it was the quiet companionship of Wally and Diana but, when John's eyes shut, he didn't try to open them. Though it wasn't the same as a good night's sleep in bed, dozing in that chair next to his friends was the most relaxed John had been since Grail had torn his world apart.
Before John fell asleep he wondered if Diana and Wally were staying more for Shayera's sake or his.
It took another week for there to be a noticeable improvement when Shayera's heartrate had increased. John knew she wasn't going to recover overnight but her body had finally begun to show it was beginning to slowly heal itself. And Shayera was as strong as she was stubborn. John knew she would push herself through it. She was always so much stronger than she needed to be.
Though the next improvement was something John saw more as a curse than a blessing. John wished that he was imagining the winces of pain that periodically flashed on Shayera's face. To John that had become the worst part. Shayera was now conscious enough to register the pain she was in but still not enough to wake up.
John was thrust out of his thoughts when the door suddenly slid open. It was just Barda, a serious expression planted on her face.
He met her with a scowl, anger with no discernible source bubbling beneath his skin. John thought nothing of it. "What do you want?" He snapped, maybe more harshly than he meant to, but not so much so that he felt bad about it.
Barda barely seemed to notice, aside from the brief flicker of annoyance in her eyes. She took a few steps into the room, the door sliding closed behind her. "I came to check on the Thanagarian," she said.
"Her name is Shayera," John was tense all over as he sent a dark glare at the Apokoliptian. "And J'onn checks up on her daily. She's fine. She doesn't need you of all people here."
Barda would have backed away and gave John his space when he was in one of his 'moods' as the Flash had earlier warned her about. Instead her expression hardened and John knew it wasn't going to be that easy to get her to leave.
Then the door slid open again and Wally was in the doorway, with Diana just over his shoulder. John almost relaxed but he then saw the looks on their faces, the way they were standing, and got the feeling that he shouldn't let his guard down.
"What is it?" John asked harshly.
"Calm down," Wally held his hands up placatingly. "Barda just came to see how Shayera was doing after she heard about what happened." Walking around Barda, Wally approached John.
"Why are you three here?" He asked with an eyebrow raised. John already knew that it wasn't just to see Shayera. Wally and Diana both visited, only once a day, and normally it was in the evening. He knew that they didn't like to see their friend in her current state.
Neither did John but, unlike them, he had a duty to watch over her.
It was clear that Wally didn't know how to say whatever it was that he wanted to. He fidgeted in front of John, thinking hard about something. He opened his mouth and closed it several times, gaping like a dead fish. His eyes seemed to be soaking up everything in the room at once, looking at anything except for John.
The whole thing went on for so long that John was beginning to wonder if Wally was just trying to pull a particularly annoying prank on him. John was about to ask them to leave when Barda suddenly groaned in frustration and stomped her foot so hard that he was surprised the floor hadn't dented. "Stop trying to avoid it and just spit it out you spineless maggot!" She snapped, sending an unimpressed glare in Wally's direction.
John was taken aback but, at the very least, it was enough to spur Wally into action. He held himself up straighter and blurted out, "We think that you need to be taking better care of yourself. Shayera doesn't need you here constantly."
The shock was enough that John didn't quite process what Wally had said. Which was a good thing because if he had, he would have been furious. "What?" He asked instead.
With the worst part of it over, Wally visibly slumped. "John look," he sighed. "I want Shayera to get better as much as you do but there's nothing you can do to help her. If anything you're going to wind up in the medbay next. You hardly eat and you only sleep for an hour or two at a time without even leaving that chair. That's not good for you John."
His first response was to be angry, and John was, but he stopped himself before he snapped. Maybe it was the tiredness getting to him but he didn't have it in him to argue. He could tell that Wally was coming from a place of concern. Though Wally just didn't understand what was happening the way that John did.
It wasn't only that Shayera needed John at her bedside, even though John knew she really didn't. It was more that John needed to be at her bedside for himself. For his own peace of mind.
Maybe he only slept for a few hours at a time but at least he wasn't tormented by nightmares. At least, not ones that he could remember and not ones that were so horrible that they would follow him to the waking world. And maybe he wasn't eating as much as he should but he hardly had an appetite with all the thoughts and emotions going through his mind. And maybe he barely spoke to anyone else but that was only because they kept trying to pull him away from Shayera as if that was going to change anything.
He was completely fine. Why were they so worried?
It took a moment to figure out what he wanted to say but John eventually shook his head. "I don't know why you're so worried. Everything will go back to normal when Shayera wakes up."
But instead of being reassured, Wally looked disappointed. He walked over to where John was sitting, taking a spot on the edge of the bed next to Shayera's hand. John had a feeling that cutting off his view of Shayera was only part of the reason for Wally's choice. The other being that Wally didn't want to look at Shayera anymore than he had to.
"John, it's okay. I get it," he said softly. "She's your wife and you love her more than anything in the entire universe. You thought it was your fault that you weren't able to help her," Wally looked uncomfortable as he spoke. If John wasn't struggling to resist the urge to strangle Wally he would have told him to stop talking. The worst part was that John knew Wally was right.
This time Diana spoke, "Shayera's not dead but you're acting like she is. You're acting like you can make everything okay again by sheer force of will and you're only making it harder on yourself. What happened wasn't your fault," she was quick to insist. "You need to stop acting like it is. Stop blaming yourself."
John took a deep breath, collecting himself as if the two of them hadn't just opened him wide open and dragged out everything he was thinking inside his mind. "Look," John said quietly, trying to be patient. "I know Shayera isn't dead. This isn't about me. It's about-"
"Oh would you just shut up?" Barda suddenly interrupted. She stalked forward, shoving a hand in John's face when he tried to protest. The other hand was curled into a fist and Barda jabbed a finger into John's shoulder. "I've only been here for a few minutes and I'm already sick of watching you throw your little pity party! Don't try to insist for a damn minute that this is about anyone other than you! I'm glad the Thanagarian is unconscious because I doubt she would even want to see you like this. You're nothing but selfish."
Bristling with indignation, John was on his feet in an instant. "Excuse me?" He glared at her. "Selfish? I'm doing everything I can to help Shayera! Don't you dare start accusing me of being selfish!"
"You're not doing this for her, though, are you?" Barda shot back. "This is about you. You're only locked in here because you feel like a failure. Because you think you need to make this up to yourself. Because you wish it was you in that bed instead. You think you're the only one effected by this? From what I can see she has plenty of friends that are just as concerned about her wellbeing as you are," Barda then took a step back and, even though she had looked away, her next words held a distinct note of finality. "Either start thinking about what your wife actually needs or stop pretending that it even matters to you."
The frustration of it all had made John's face hot with shame and anger but, as he opened his mouth to refute what Barda had said, he realized that he couldn't. Because Barda was right. John had thinly tried to comfort himself by saying that it was for Shayera's sake, to help her, and yet that couldn't be further from the truth.
She didn't need constant supervision; that wasn't helping her get any better. The only reason Shayera was in this situation in the first place was because she was trying to protect John and the Earth. Had it been any other League member that was in front of Grail at that very moment instead of John, Shayera would have done the same. She would have saved them and took on the Apokoliptian knowing she had no chance at victory.
Barda was absolutely right. Shayera didn't need him there, at least not as much as he needed her.
John found himself sitting back down, staring blankly at Shayera. "I.." John faltered; he had no idea what to say.
Wally sighed as he nudged Barda out of the way and hesitantly placed a hand on his shoulder. "Look, Barda was a little harsh about it but-"
"It's fine," John cut him off before any of them could say anything else. "Barda is right. I am being selfish. I should be taking care of myself. Last thing I need is for Shayera to wake up and have to worry about me."
Surprised, Wally blinked and just stared at John for a second. "Really?" He asked, as though unable to quite believe what the Green Lantern had just said. When John's only response was a nod, a hesitant smile spread across his face. "So, then, are you going to come with us and eat lunch together?"
"Maybe," he shrugged. Still, John hesitated. It was hard to drag his eyes away from Shayera for longer than a few seconds at a time. "Can we eat in here?"
"Oh no you don't!" Wally threw his hands up in exasperation. "Nope, I'm drawing the line here, no more playing mister nice guy. Come on GL, you're gonna start taking care of yourself like a responsible person whether you want to or not." He grabbed John by the arm and pulled him to his feet with a surprising amount of strength, not that he was trying to resist at all.
There was a grin tugging at John's lips even as he tried to hold his ground. "Wally come on," he objected. "Be reasonable."
"I am being more than reasonable young man!" Another good tug made him stumble and John swallowed a light chuckle. "This has gone on long enough. Stop being difficult!" Beneath Wally's façade of frustration, John could tell that he was being overdramatic on purpose. Wally was trying to make him laugh and he would have been frustrated if it wasn't working.
"John," The sound of his name made him look up. Diana had a small, reassuring smile on her face as she spoke. "Don't worry, I'll keep an eye on Shayera and you'll be the first person to know if something happens."
Giving the Amazon a light nod, John finally allowed himself to be pulled out of the room. He couldn't even remember the last time he left it. "Thanks," he quietly said as the door slide shut behind him.
Two weeks later John found himself at Shayera's bedside once again. It was hard to stay away, even though he knew that, technically, she was fine. Or getting there anyway.
Her heartrate was stable, not exactly where it needed to be but it was better. She didn't need the oxygen anymore, which was good since it meant her left lung was healing.
John was limiting himself to only spending three hours a day with Shayera. Finding something to do with himself outside of Shayera's room, on the Watchtower, was more challenging than he thought it would be.
Most of the time Wally made himself available so they could just talk. He had even begun to bring Emma and Rex up to the Watchtower each day. Thankfully for John, Wally had already explained what had happened to them. Though they really didn't need Wally to tell them as they had witnessed Shayera's fight with Grail on the monitors in the Watchtower. They also had both seen glimpses of Shayera when Wally had been teleported up to the Watchtower with her. Neither of them wanted to talk about what happened but they both vented their frustrations about how they still couldn't see their mother.
Even Clark was making regular trips at this point to check on Shayera. He had previously been occupied with fielding the mounting questions on what was going to happen to the Justice League and how they planned to move forward after they had lost so many members and even more had been severely injured. Then there was also the memorial service that had been held for all of the fallen members.
John had even finally brought himself to charge his power ring. Shortly after doing so he took out his pent up anger on the zeta-bots in the simulation room and getting exercise made John feel better all-around. It was like he had been moving through a fog and he hadn't known it until Wally, Diana, and Barda had forcibly pulled him out of it. Or, as Barda had put it, pulled John's head out of his ass.
It would be a lot better if Shayera would just wake up though. They were nearing the third week of her unconsciousness and everyone was getting more anxious by the day.
A part of John wished, fleetingly, that they weren't superheroes. That they didn't have to wake up to a world that relied on them to constantly protect it. He knew that if they were never superheroes than they would have never met.
The door to the room eased open and, for once, John didn't feel the urge to ready himself for a fight. He looked up and smirked at Wally, who just smirked back.
Wally glanced at Shayera and his smirk flickered into a frown for a moment before he focused again on John and forced his expression back into a hopeful one. "Hey," he remained in the doorway, obviously not intending to stay. "Some of us are going to play some poker in the cafeteria. Do you want to come play a few hands?"
John almost said yes but he thought about it for another moment and didn't know why he would go. Poker wasn't exactly his kind of thing. That was more Shayera's forte. She liked playing mind games with them.
John managed to continue smirking as he shook his head. "No, thanks," he mumbled. "You don't need me in there. I'm not a card guru like how Shay is. I'll join you for dinner later on. How's that?"
That seemed to satisfy Wally, especially since he knew now that he could drag him out of the room if he had to. "Alright, well," he shifted awkwardly as he scratched the back of his head. "Just...let me know if anything changes. Ok?" John's nod must have been enough of an answer because Wally lingered only a second longer before he slipped back into the hall and the door slid shut.
It was quiet again, which wasn't surprising but was beginning to feel odd. The Watchtower was normally bustling. Even when it was just the founders together they hadn't had to worry about silence. One of them always seemed to have something to say.
He slightly slouched down in his chair and lightly chuckled to himself. If she were awake, John could easily imagine Shayera trying to force her way out of the medbay and complaining nonstop. With her, silence had always been a sign that something was wrong.
She had been so quiet after the Thanagarians had left Earth and they all returned to Wayne Manor following the Thanagarian Invasion. After they almost lost Wally to the Speed Force, Shayera had been extremely quiet as she sat at Wally's bedside. Though she also had snapped at anyone who had tried to enter Wally's room in the medbay.
Before it had seemed like it would have been too much to try to talk to Shayera. John knew that she wouldn't reply and he wasn't quite prepared for the disappointment he would feel when she remained silent.
But after everything with Wally, Diana, and Barda two weeks before, John had been wanting to get a few things off of his chest. Things that he owed to both himself and Shayera to admit to. She was still unconscious so John doubted that she would even be able to hear him. It would be enough, just for himself, to hear it out loud in his own voice instead of in his head.
John took a deep breath and stared at the door. If someone entered, he doubted he would be able to pick up and continue once they were gone but John wasn't about to say any of this in front of another person either. He just hoped no one would walk in on this.
"I'm worried about you," John said simply. In the quiet room even that obvious admission seemed like he was saying too much. He winced and forced himself to continue. With every word, the pressure on his chest began to lighten and speaking became easier. "I don't mean about you right now, even though yes I'm really worried that you aren't ever going to wake up. It's more that...when you do wake up, which is hopefully soon, there's so much you're going to have to go through and that's not fair to you. I wish it didn't have to be like this because you've already done and gone through so much," John huffed on a humorless laugh. "I know that I hover over you more than I should. And I know that annoys you and I don't mean to be annoying but I...I look at you sometimes and I can't imagine anything happening to you. I know how ridiculous that sounds because I know how much stronger you are than me but..." Sighing, John finally pulled his gaze back over to Shayera. He frowned before glancing at his hand, imagining the Thanagarian's pulse beneath his fingers. John knew already that it was steadier than it had been in weeks and it took a conscious effort not to reach over and double-check it.
He quickly found that it was impossible to continue talking while looking at Shayera's face so John forced himself to focus on his hand at it gently griped hers. The first time John had ever held Shayera's hand he was surprised to find it wasn't calloused from handling that mace of hers. Her skin was always soft and smooth. Deceptively delicate just like the rest of her.
"I wish you weren't that strong, you know that? You wouldn't have to go through any of this but...but then you probably would have died in some war back on Thanagar if you weren't as strong as you were. Sometimes I wonder what if that had happened. I think the worst part is that, before I even think about the fact that you would have been dead, I think about how I would never have gotten to meet you," John managed to let out a sarcastic snort. "It's a horrible and morbid thing to think about. If this whole thing has taught me anything, Shayera, it's that I wouldn't know what to do with myself if you ever died. I would like to think that I would be able to move on and live my life but I just don't know. It's hard to believe that there was ever a point in my life where I imagined a future without you in it," John confessed. "And I think having to go back to that, not having you there with me, I...I don't know if I could possibly go back to that. I don't know how I would function without you in my life."
Everything had been bottled up for so long. John had to admit it felt good to vent his thoughts. Even if it was to an unconscious body.
A shot of worry then jolted through him as he felt Shayera's hand slightly twitch within his. Just as John lifted his eyes to look up at her his breath caught in his throat and he froze.
For the first time in three weeks, Shayera was looking at him. Her eyes were only half open but he could see the emerald color of her irises and knew that she was awake. Even after everything that she had gone through Shayera still managed to give him a small smirk as though nothing had happened.
His jaw worked uselessly a few times. "Shayera?" John finally managed to whisper. All John wanted to do at that moment was hug her but knew he couldn't. Then he suddenly remembered the past few minutes of him spewing his heart out to her and he felt his cheeks begin to burn. "I uh...are you um...how much of that did you hear?"
Shayera blinked at him and stayed silent as her expression went neutral. For a moment John wondered if she was completely lucid or not. She then closed her eyes as the light smirk returned to her face and she raspily muttered a response, "Don't be sappy...always hated it."
The relief welling in his chest made it hard to breathe upon finally hearing her voice for the first time in what felt like an eternity. John took a deep breath as he once again resisted the urge to tightly hug her. He just wanted to hold her close to him and never let her go again.
When he looked back up at her, Shayera was staring at him again but he could tell she was exhausted, both mentally and physically, despite having been comatose for the past three weeks. That should have concerned John but he was too relieved that Shayera was finally awake.
Gently, John leaned forward and kissed her forehead, "You should rest."
"Not tired," she mumbled, an obvious lie.
John smirked, "You're horrible at lying right now."
Shayera began to chuckle but ended up grimacing and flinching in pain, "Don't make me laugh...hurts too much."
John gave her a sympathetic look before he spoke, "You're going to be hurting for a long while Shayera. Do you remember what happened?"
Shayera stayed silent as she stared at the ceiling for a minute before responding, "I was an idiot. I tried to fight Grail. I don't remember...after she broke my wing."
"You weren't an idiot Shayera," he gently squeezed her hand. "You did what any other hero would have done."
She looked back at him and blinked a few times, "Where's Emma and Rex?"
"With Wally and Linda, I figured you wouldn't want them to see you like this."
Shayera looked relieved as she released a sigh, "You know me too well Lantern. How long?"
"About three weeks now."
"How bad?"
"We lost a good amount of League members. Guy, Jessica, and Kyle too," he added on before he swallowed. "Mari didn't make it either."
"They died?" He could see her brow furrow. He knew that would bother her. Shayera had trained Jessica when she was first inducted into the Justice League. Clark had figured Shayera could help the young Green Lantern with her confidence issues and help her grow some backbone. Mari on the other hand had become her unlikely best friend. The two were complete polar opposites yet that seemed to compliment their friendship perfectly.
"Yeah," he somberly replied as he watched Shayera close her eyes and the tears silently began to roll down her cheeks. She was never one to openly cry. He knew she was too tired to stop herself from crying. "Shayera you should just rest right now. We can talk later."
"No," she defiantly muttered. "Everything hurts. What's injured?"
"Do you want the short list?" John nearly smiled when she lightly glared at him.
"Just tell me," she didn't sound exactly annoyed but John could tell she was unamused.
"Worst or less serious first?"
"Worst."
John figured she would say that. She never liked to beat around the bush. He nodded, "When your ribs broke one punctured your left lung and it ended up collapsing. Another piece punctured an organ. J'onn didn't have any other choice but to remove it. It caused a lot of internal bleeding. Without any blood donors your body is going to take a long time to replenish the amount of blood you lost."
"That's why I feel shitty?"
"Yeah," he paused. "I don't need to tell you about your wing. You broke the left side of your pelvis which resulted in other internal injuries and bleeding. Your left wrist and arm are broken. Cracked your sternum and left collar bone. Dislocated your left shoulder."
"Like normal," she threw in a quiet quip that made John smirk. At least she still had her twisted sense of humor. The more she talked the more relieved John was becoming. Even if she could barely talk over a whisper it was enough for him. She was fully cognizant and able to hold a conversation; that was all that currently mattered to him.
"Yeah like normal. You have cracks in your left femur, tibia, and ankle. You also cracked two vertebrae. There's multiple torn tendons and ligaments. The worst being your left rotator cuff and your left knee. J'onn doesn't know how well those injuries will heal or if you'd need additional surgery to repair anything. He's concern over how well your wing will recover. He doesn't know if it was splinted correctly," John then went silent.
Shayera could tell something wasn't right, "What is it?"
"It's not an injury but," John faltered. He didn't want to say it out loud. He hated reliving that moment all over again in his mind.
"But what?"
John inhaled deeply before he continued, "If it wasn't for Virgil and Wally you wouldn't have survived."
She had been dead but she was now alive and awake. Why couldn't John make himself move past that?
"John I'm still here," she quietly said. "Don't worry."
"I know that Shay," John looked down and sighed. "But your heart stopped and I was holding you when that happened. You died in my arms Shayera. I can't get that image out of my head."
The Thanagarian swallowed as she looked up at the ceiling again. She exhaled as she slowly looked down at their clasped hands. Well really it was John holding her limp hand. Shayera felt every muscle in her body burn as she barely managed to just lightly squeeze his hand. "I'm sorry."
John looked back up to see the apologetic look on her face. He gave her a bewildered look, "Why are you apologizing?"
"Because," the elusive smirk returned to her face as she closed her eyes. "I can and want to."
Before John could even retort he noticed that Shayera's breathing had evened out and she was asleep again. Despite himself John found himself chuckling. Shayera always had to have the last word.
John kissed her forehead again as he stood and went to leave the room.
Stepping into the doorway, John paused. He knew he had no reason to worry about her anymore. Now that she had finally woken up, John knew Shayera was going to be just fine. He glanced once more at Shayera over his shoulder and threw her a small smile before he walked out of the room. After all, he had promised to tell Wally if anything changed.
A/N: Holy shit was that hard to write. Why is John such a difficult character to write for? At least I finally gave him some attention for a change.