Chapter 75.

Sitting beside Jules, her body touching his and his hand held by hers, caused conflicting emotions in Cas. He had missed her touch constantly since ending the relationship and had longed to have it back, but she was no longer his lover and the flesh whose warmth awoke something powerful in his was forever denied him now. He controlled the erotic impulses that urged him to take her in his arms, but allowed himself to accept her honest affection.

Avoiding it might have been better and more honourable, but he didn't think that he could do it. That would require an act of will and a denial of need, neither of which felt possible. He loved her and would always love her and their eternity apart could not be delayed long enough.

Sitting there alone with her raised another difficult issue. What had happened in the hotel room nagged at his conscience. Technically ... officially ... they had not been in a relationship at the time and his lapse might be, in human terms, forgivable, but it did not feel so to him and he was sure it would not seem so to her. It was a dereliction, at the very least.

"I must tell you something." he said, "Something that happened yesterday."

"Is it connected to the crystals?" she said.

"Partially."

"Because I understand why you sacrificed your grace for us. You don't need to explain. I wish you hadn't done it, but it was a selfless act of love."

"There was another act," he said, "An act of infidelity."

She looked into his eyes and he felt the tension in her hand. "With Rowena?" she said.

"Yes." he said.

"I've never trusted her. What happened?"

The words did not want to leave his mouth. When he finally forced them out, they left a bitter aftertaste of guilt and shame. "She kissed me." he said.

She nodded. "And how did you respond?" she said.

"I woke up." he said.

Her lips slowly formed a smile. "You woke up?"

"Yes."

"So you were asleep when the alleged act of infidelity took place."

"Not alleged. It happened." he said.

"Cas, it only counts as infidelity if you voluntarily took part. That requires you to be conscious at the time, which you weren't, so it wasn't."

"Are you sure?" he said.

"I am. You did nothing wrong." The smile broadened and she said, "And yet you still felt you had to confess it to me. You ended the relationship. You were under no obligations to me at the time anyway."

"I was in love with you still. It felt wrong."

"If you feel it needs forgiveness, I forgive you, but I don't think you have anything to apologise for. You didn't instigate the kiss and you didn't want it."

"No, but I did enjoy it."

"As much as you enjoy mine?" she said.

He smiled, remembering the many sweet kisses they had shared. "There is no comparison." he said, "She's just Rowena and you are you."

"You know what I love about that answer?" she said.

"No. What?"

"Knowing that you don't come up with lines like that as part of a strategy. You just say what's in your heart. I know you mean it."

"If I were going to lie, I would have pretended the kiss didn't happen. I wish it hadn't happened."

"You were asleep and she made the most of the opportunity. I can't blame you. I don't even blame her. Awake, you're gorgeous. Asleep, you must be even more so. I envy her that she's seen you asleep."

"So has Dean. I don't think he considered it much of a treat."

"Are you attracted to Rowena?" she said. Again, he felt her hand tense.

"Rowena is beautiful." he said, "But she is also dangerous, unreliable and amoral. I am, in various ways, attracted to most humans. When I'm around her, I feel unsettled, uneasy, unsafe."

"Like you feel around me?"

He laughed at the nonsensical idea. "It's true that you have made me feel all those things, but not at all in the same way. The hunger I feel for your touch, the force of my desire for you, the depth of my love, all those things are completely different to the light frisson engendered by her flirtations."

"But there is a frisson?" she said.

"There is a frisson." he admitted, "Humans ... There's just something about them and she is more human than most."

"I'm okay with that." said Jules.

"And with the kiss?"

"As I said, I don't blame her. I know how hard it is not to kiss you. It's a struggle right now. But I know that kissing you would be a bad idea."

"Yes. Given the circumstances, we should avoid anything that could make this parting harder."

"I wish there were something that could make it easier." she said.

"It should be easy for me. I know this is best for you. That should be all that matters. I never thought of myself as selfish before, but I clearly am."

"This is as hard for me as for you." said Jules, "It doesn't feel like the best thing for me. I don't want to let go of your hand. I'd give anything for this separation to end, here and now."

"I promised to be yours while I was mine and I kept that promise. As soon as I made that deal, my life belonged to the Empty and I will not let that place or that deal bring you down too."

"If you're in the Empty, I might as well be. I'll feel as if I am. Castiel, are you sure this is what you want?"

"It's the last thing I want, but I'm sure it has to happen. I've been thinking about it constantly, looking for any other way, but there are three very good reasons why it has to be this way. First, if I am with you, perfect happiness is possible, triggering the deal and leaving you, Jack and Claire without my protection."

"We'd fight to get you back."

"Second, you'd try to get me back. If you succeeded, Jack could be taken. If you failed, you could die. I would rather die a thousand times than see that happen."

"And third?"

"This relationship is incompatible with the deal on every level. Above all, you would suffer a greater loss if you had not already let me go, but there is something else. In this state of pain and heartbreak, I can see the collection by the Empty as something of a release. If I were still with you, the day would come when I would convince myself to break the deal somehow, with the same risk to Jack. I'm not strong enough to face the Empty if I have a chance of a lifetime with you."

"You made that deal when we were in a relationship." she said.

"Angelic focus." he said sadly, "When it fades and drifts and the world comes back into view, I'm torn between my need to be with you and my love for Jack. I tell myself I never had a chance of making you happy long-term anyway. This ending is probably the best of all possible endings for you and that makes me just able to go through with it, but I'll always wish there had been some other choice."

"Why don't you matter in all of this?"

"Because I'm nothing. Angels were never meant to make lives of their own. Jack has a high and glorious destiny. I don't know the details, but I know it's true. You are wholly human and you have a purpose and a life to live. I will only ever be a servant of Heaven and Heaven doesn't even want me except to keep the lights on. I neither need nor deserve consideration. What is right, I will do, whatever the cost to this self I only half believe in."

"I believe in you." she said.

"Would you do something for me?" he said.

"Anything."

"Walk away now. Leave me behind and never look back."

"Anything but that." she said.

"I weaken when I see you or think of you. Reminders of our love make it harder for me to accept my fate. You've always been my strength, but now, you'll make me a coward. For Jack's sake ... for the sake of the whole world, dismiss me from your life. Force me onto the path I must take."

"It breaks my heart to refuse you anything, but on this, I have to. If you leave me, you leave me, but I can't stop loving you."

"Then what are we going to do?" he said.

She lifted his hand to her lips and kissed it. "I don't know, my angel. I don't know."