Chapter 76 Chapter Notes

Edward is devastated by his near-lapse, but Bella is angry. And she's insisting that they speak to Carlisle about it. She's not letting anyone hold the reins of her future—not even her husband and the love of her life. Not anymore.

***EXPLICIT SEX AND LANGUAGE***

The chapter title belongs to The Doors

Chapter 76 Break on Through December 21st late

Bella is gone. I am here, in our new house, leaning onto the windowsill and sucking in fresh air, willing my muscles to uncoil. I feel wretched. Absolutely wretched. But I can't even try to find Bella until I get my body under control.

I wonder what she thought when I yelled at her to run. The look on her face was of the fear that I'd always wanted to impart to her. The realization that I am dangerous. After a few more minutes I stand up, feeling the desire to crouch dissipate with every breath, finally finding my inner calm returning.

I get dressed and go downstairs, not knowing whether I should wait here, try to call Bella, or speak to Carlisle. While I'm pondering these choices, my phone rings. I rip it out of my pocket, seeing that it's her.

Bella.

"I am so sorry!" I blurt. "I don't know—"

"Edward," she begins, "I'm at the lodge getting something to eat. Then I'm going over to the Cedar Inn and checking in."

Oh, my god. "Bella, are you leaving me?"

She doesn't speak right away, causing a well of panic to rise up in me. Finally, she says, "Of course not. Edward, you certainly don't think that I've walked into this relationship without knowing the dangers? I love you. I. Love. You. I'll take the bitter with the sweet."

While I'm trying to figure out what to say, she continues, "But we're going to talk to Carlisle about what happened. And we'll take his word for it if I'm safe around you. Call me when you've arranged a meeting for all three of us." The phone goes dead and I'm left standing in the kitchen, wondering how the hell I allowed this to happen.

Carlisle answers on the first ring. "Hello, Edward. How are you, son?"

I tell him that Bella and I need to speak to him right away. Not an emergency, but urgent. He tells me that he'll see us in his office at the hospital. He's working the night shift at the ER.

When Bella answers her phone, her voice is clipped. She sounds angry. When I tell her that we're due in Carlisle's office, she says, "Yep. On my way." And she snaps her phone shut again.

The Cedar Inn is a few miles from the hospital, and I arrive before Bella does. I wait for her and we walk in together, but she won't hold my hand or look at me. When we arrive at Carlisle's office, he's not there, so we go in and wait. And she still won't look at me.

After a few minutes, Carlisle arrives and greets us warmly. He sits at his desk, and I can see my grim expression in his thoughts.

"How can I help you two?" he asks.

Before I can open my mouth, Bella says, "Edward had a lapse tonight and yelled at me to run, Carlisle. I'm going to leave and let him tell you what prompted it, but we're going to have to come up with a plan to keep this from happening again."

We both stare at her. Not the girl I left behind.

Bella's wide, soft mouth is a thin, white line as she gets up and goes to the door. "I'll be in the waiting room," she says, and snaps the door shut behind her.

Carlisle draws his brows together. "I've never seen Bella angry before. What happened?"

"It was the oral sex, Carlisle! I mean, she sat on the bed and I stood there…and she…she…her tongue, Carlisle. Oh, god, I've never felt anything remotely like that. The day before, she licked it during a hand job and I thought that was as good as it could get, but…" I have no more words to describe what her mouth felt like on me.

"All through it my muscles kept getting tighter and tighter. It was raining and the window was closed, and when we were finished, I ran and opened it, but by then it was too late. The venom was just relentless and I could feel my body bending into a crouch.

"And I told her to run."

I tell him about the advice Alice had given me on the first day of school, and how we're taking skin to skin contact slow, so that I can acclimate.

"That is very wise," he says. "I can tell you from personal experience—not sex with a human, but with being around blood—that it takes concentration and focus. And a desire to accomplish the task. But you know this."

I nod quickly. "So far, it's been okay, although the thirst hasn't been totally under control for days. We started with just mutual masturbation, while she was on the other side of the room and I was near the open window. Then to touching each other. It was just her tongue, Carlisle." I shake my head and he grins, probably at the silly look on my face as I think about it.

"It would be easier if you had Alice to ask about any future…engagements, but nobody knows when she's going to wake up. I'm assuming Bella doesn't want to wait?" His brow rises and I smile, knowing my entire family has been inundated with Bella's pheromones since we've been together. It's not a secret to my family that she's mad to bed me.

Carlisle nods. "Call Bella back so we can wrap this up."

Once we're seated back in the office, Carlisle says, "I don't think it would be a good idea for you to take a step back from each other at this stage, unless you want to curtail any intimate relations until Bella is changed. If you want to continue to experiment, there are a few things that I think will help Edward."

Bella and I look at each other. "Do you want to wait?" I ask.

She's already shaking her head. "No. Definitely not." She looks at my father. "I just want to know what steps we take to make sure that I'm not dinner."

"First of all, Edward, keep a window open so you'll always have fresh air. Second, if you feel that your muscles are coiling, break off the activity and go outside for a few minutes, or until you're feeling more in control. Bella, no more oral sex until Edward can tell you his thirst is fully sublimated."

Bella and I both nod our agreement. Carlisle smiles and says, "Oral sex is one thing, Edward, but actual sex is another thing altogether. Approach this last step with care, and son, make sure that you communicate how you're feeling. If your core is tightening, don't wait to go for some fresh air. Just keep the window at your back and go slow, both of you."

Bella and I thank Carlisle and I walk her out to her car. She unlocks the door and says, "I'll meet you at home."

I follow her to the house and we arrive together. Once we're inside, Bella goes straight to the shower and then gets into bed. I sit in the living room by myself and wonder how to forge a path forward. After about an hour, I hear soft footsteps on the stairs and Bella appears in the doorway. Her eyes are bright and she slumps down beside me.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I should have stopped you when I realized I wasn't safe. It all kind of ganged up on me. It won't happen again."

"I've already forgiven you, Edward. I just wanted to speak to Carlisle about it to make sure we were doing our best. I trust you, even though you think I shouldn't."

"The funny thing is, you'd think that the thirst would be even worse with all this stress, but the very idea that I could hurt you has completely erased it. I feel more in control right now than I have in weeks."

"Really?" Bella smiles. "Really?"

"Yeah. As long as you keep your tongue off of me, I think I'll be okay." I shake my head. "That was the most amazing thing."

"Well, I can tell that you're feeling better," she says. "You get a tightness around your eyes when you're really worried or upset. Or when your thirst gets on top of you. Like, your face hardens or something. It's relaxed now."

We sit for a few more minutes and she says, "I think I'll go back up to bed. Maybe we can try something tomorrow? If you're certain that your thirst is under control, that is."

"It's a good idea," I say. "I'm going to hunt, but I'll have my cell, and I'll be back in a few hours."

December 22nd

It's after midnight when I get home. I sit on the floor in front of the fireplace all night, replaying my actions, vowing to myself I will never again put Bella in that kind of danger. I hear her stirring upstairs, hours before dawn. I wait for her to come downstairs to sit with me in front of the fire.

She's been crying.

"What's wrong?" I ask, as I pull her down to sit in my lap.

"I missed you." She caresses my face and kisses me softly.

"I missed you, too."

She swallows loudly and says, "How close were you to attacking me?"

"It wasn't really close. I just felt my body bow into a crouch, and wanted you to get away from me. It wasn't nearly as bad as when we were in the meadow, or even when you were bleeding in your room, after you'd torn your stitches." Or there on the street, in front of Jacob's house, I don't say out loud. I could go on and on. But I don't.

"So do you think we can try some more sex, as long as I don't put my tongue down there?" She gives me a weak smile, which I return.

"Yeah, I think so," I say, as I pull her close, "I had an amazing sexual experience last night, but you didn't come."

"And you're going to remedy this?" she says, a smile in her voice. She turns on the lamp and peers at my face, then gives her head a little nod, seeing that it's 'relaxed'.

And it is. Thirst—fully sublimated. Finally.

"Oh yeah. C'mon." I tug her up to the bathroom, where I divest her of all clothing. I lead her into the shower, and in the warm spray I find her clitoris, hard as a BB, and massage it with a soapy finger, which I slide up, back, and inside. She clings to me and gasps her climax in my ear. "When you're changed, I'll kiss you right here," I promise. "It's something to look forward to."

Bella crawls back in bed, as the sun isn't even up yet. I sit beside her and read my book in the dark.

"So the blowjob is what did it? What made you lose control?"

Her voice rises out of the darkness, surprising me. I thought she'd gone back to sleep, but she's wide awake and staring at me.

The way she says this is amazing. No hesitation. No embarrassment. "Ah, well, that was just about the most amazing physical experience I've ever had. In all my existence. I can't even begin to explain the sensations that it gave me." She just nods.

"Bella, I've told you before that a part of my brain is always occupied with keeping you safe. With convincing myself that you're not prey, that it is unacceptable to hunt you as if you were. This isn't easy, because you smell so good to me. When you did that…" I think of her tongue, licking, sucking… "Um, ah, it undermined my control, and that part of my brain began to think about—" I point down to my crotch, where my cock lies, totally unrepentant.

"I had no idea it would be that good," she says. I rub her back and she finally falls into a deep slumber.

In all the excitement of the night before, Bella had forgotten that we have an appointment with the attorney this morning to sign the papers for the house. I gently wake her, and after she pulls me down for some sweet kisses, I remind her and she's all smiles.

Two hours later, I carry her across the threshold again, this time into our house. When I gently place her down, she looks around and says, "It feels different now that I know it's ours."

We spend the day relaxing. Charlie and Maya had invited us to dinner, but I demurred, as I needed to hunt again. I insist that Bella go, however, and we meet back home just as the sun is sinking below the tree line.

After her shower, Bella comes to stand next to me, lying on the bed. She looks like a goddess, with her long hair combed out, smelling of soap and powder and Bella. When she gazes down at me, I don't see fear or uncertainty. I see simple trust. And a smile that warms my cold dead heart.

I turn on my side and untie her robe. My eyes take in her human body, radiant and fragrant. She shivers when I run a cold finger across one breast and then down, down, down her belly and through her curls. Her expression turns serious when I find what I'm looking for. Her lips part and I rub with the side of my finger, up and back, up and back.

Her legs tremble when she comes, shivering from the cool breeze that sweeps in from the open window. Goosebumps rise on her skin and I pull her down onto the bed with me.

"Wow," she says with a smile. I grin at her.

"You'll be able to sleep tonight, for sure," I say, as I fetch her hoodie. She pulls it on and crawls under the covers.

"How is your thirst right now?" The way she can ask this just blows me away. She might as well be asking me what time it is, it's so casual. She doesn't ask, for instance, if I'm feeling out of control to the level that I might overpower her and sink my razor-sharp teeth into her neck, then deprive her of every drop of blood that flows through her veins.

I take a deep breath. "I feel good. My thirst is fully sublimated. I think," I add, with a frown. "My muscles feel relaxed and the venom is under control. Why?"

In answer, she unbuttons my jeans and pulls down my boxers, this time Bugs Bunny. My hero. And she gives me a hand job with no tongue. And it's great, and the venom doesn't pool in my mouth.

And there is peace on Earth.

Christmas Eve

"Bella, wake up," I say.

She opens her eyes, blinking a few times, and smiles when she sees me, standing at the window. "Look outside," I say.

After stretching and yawning, Bella gets up in all her naked glory and joins me at the window. We watch the snow come down in big, fluffy flakes. The ground is covered in what I estimate to be about three inches.

"I'll make you breakfast and we'll sit next to the fire and read or listen to music?"

She reaches out and strokes my face, then shivers as she pulls on sweats and a big hoodie. I make the bed while she does her thing in the bathroom, and then I'm sacrificing all when I pull out the proper pans and cook her poached eggs and bacon. She makes a fire while I put the finishing touches on her breakfast. The familiar smell of burning wood fills the house as Bella sits down to her meal, complete with orange juice, coffee and a grapefruit.

I lounge back in my chair and watch her eat. She enjoys her food so much. Truthfully, Bella enjoys everything. If I'd made her a bowl of stale Cheerios with an overripe banana, she would have enjoyed that, too. Whether it's washing her car, doing laundry, or lounging in front of the little fireplace, she enjoys it. Her perspective on life has taught me so much. About how important it is just to live in the moment. Today is all we really have, she'd once told me.

How true.

We spend the day enjoying each other. We watch a couple of movies on the magnificent big screen TV in the living room. Bella chooses My Cousin Vinny, an irreverent show about a kid who's accused of murder, and his unorthodox uncle who gets him off.

I choose Bell, Book and Candle, an old Kim Novak/James Stewart gem. She's a witch and casts a love spell on him. They're total opposites, as she runs an import shop in Greenwich Village while he's a respectable publisher. But love wins out. It makes me think of Bella and me, this movie. Total opposites, human and vampire, but the power of love eclipses even the deadliest of poisons.

The Lodge is closing early for the holiday, so I run through the snow and pick Bella up a mushroom swiss burger and some cherry cobbler. Also, I get the full meal of turkey and dressing, with all the fixings, for Christmas day. I don't want her to cook. We're scheduled to be at the folks' house tomorrow, as we've volunteered for Alice duty because they're all going to be out hunting, but they're due back by suppertime. So.

"Oh, have Charlie and Maya set a wedding date yet?" I ask, wondering if he's told Bella that he's retiring from the force.

"Not yet." Bella frowns. "When he ate, it seemed like the effort of getting the fork from his plate to his mouth was painful. I guess he's waiting 'till he feels better. I think that's a mistake. Could take months, right? I mean, why wait?"

"The family and I have a chunk of cash set aside for their wedding gift," I say.

"Like, how big of a chunk?"

"This house was nearly paid off, and I gave him $20,000 above market value. That, plus his retirement from the force is enough for him and Maya to live on, but think lots of zeroes. Lots." I don't mention what I've heard in Maya's thoughts. She's been saving for years. So they'll have that money as well. But they won't need it.

"He's retiring?" she says, her voice full of the anguish that's written all over her face.

I nod slowly. "Carlisle told me. I thought Charlie might have shared that with you."

She swallows. "Maybe he's not ready to talk about it yet. He's still recuperating, but at least he and Maya won't be hurting financially." Bella hugs me and tears spring to her eyes.

I'm going to miss Bella's tears. She's an easy crier, shedding tears over anything that even remotely moves her. Last week, she cried for five minutes over a spaghetti commercial on TV. The woman was cooking pasta and her guy surprised her with an engagement ring. As I watched it, I wasn't able to connect the engagement to the spaghetti, but I guess that's just me.

After Bella heats up her cheeseburger and downs it and her cobbler, she washes up her few dishes and I place a small package under the Christmas tree. As the sky darkens, the snow turns to occasional flurries. I pull up a bluesy playlist on my phone and pair it to the soundbar, and soon the house is filled with soft music.

Bella joins me on the plush rug, but before she gets comfortable, she spots the little package. Her eyes narrow as she picks it up. It's small, wrapped in silver paper with a blue bow.

"Open it," I urge. She giggles and runs her finger under the paper, careful not to give herself a paper cut. All levity is forgotten when she opens the small box and finds a cameo ring.

"This is gorgeous," she whispers. I take it and place it on her finger. She holds her hand up to admire it. "Did this belong to your mother?"

"Nope. I found it at an estate sale when we first started going out. I've always been partial to cameos but I never knew why until I saw this one. Her profile is exactly like yours."

Bella hops up and fetches a wrapped box from the pantry. I guess she knows that it's the one place in the house that I'll never go. I smile excitedly and take a moment to admire the paper. It's little Santas, riding motorcycles. When I open the box, my eyes widen in surprise. A pair of gray and blue Merrell hiking boots sit atop a couple of pairs of silly boxers. I now can happily add the Millennium Falcon and the cast of the original Star Trek to my collection.

We thank each other with some passionate kisses. Christmas Eve with Bella, in front of the fireplace. It's cold outside, but in here, it's warm. And the most ludicrous thing happens. I begin to feel warm.

And filled with light.

It's like that feeling I got in Gila Bend, after I'd called Jenks and arranged to give all my money away. Filled with light.

And hope.

When I look at Bella, I'm overcome once again with the perfection of this situation. With the sure knowledge that I don't have to hide anymore. Not from the world, not from humanity, not from Bella.

Not even from myself.

My thirst is totally under control. Carlisle was right. I can do this. I can be safe around my bride.

I know I can.