Chapter 77.
Dean was on his fourth glass of whisky when Jules came into the library. She looked stressed and tired. "Get Jules a drink, Sammy." he said. "How's it going?" he said to Jules.
She sat down. "I don't know. He needs some time to think."
"Is he still in your room?" said Dean.
"No, he went on top of the bunker. We'll meet back in the room later."
Sam gave Jules a glass of whisky. "How are you doing?" he said.
"Are you still broken up?" said Dean.
"Dean!" said Sam. He turned to Jules, "Are you?"
"I think so." she said.
"You think so?" said Dean, "Well, that's better than being sure about it. That means progress has been made, right?"
"It means I love him, he loves me, but he still thinks he has to be on his own."
"Completely?" said Dean.
"He'll stay in the bunker. He'll still work with all of us, but you know him. Walls within walls and he feels like he can't share his burdens with any of us."
"At least you know what those burdens are." said Dean.
"So do you, pretty much. I wish I could tell you everything. I've asked him to talk to you about all of it."
"Thanks for that." said Dean, "Do you want me to try to talk to him? I may make things worse, but my instinct is that he shouldn't be too long alone."
She nodded. "Thanks. I think that could help."
"And you'll be okay here?" he said.
Sam moved over to sit beside her. "I'll take care of Jules. You talk to Cas, but talk, don't yell."
"I'm not gonna yell." said Dean.
He found Cas in the usual place. He gestured to the spot beside him. "Is anybody sitting here?"
"Only if they are invisible." said Cas.
Dean smiled. Some things never changed. "I mean, do you mind if I sit here?"
"Jules told you about the kiss." said Cas.
"You kissed Jules?"
"She didn't tell you."
"No, she didn't. Do you wanna tell me about it? Kind of a mixed message, 'We have to be apart forever!' and then a kiss."
"It was inappropriate." he said.
"All the best ones are." said Dean.
"We're not getting back together." said Cas gently, as if explaining divorce to a worried child of the marriage, "We love each other and we always will, but circumstances require us to be apart."
"What circumstances?"
"You know I can't tell you."
"No, I know you can. You just won't."
"Fine, then you know I won't. Just accept that if I am giving up all that I had with Jules, they must be important circumstances."
"Which is precisely why I want you to tell me what they are."
"Dean, respect my privacy. Personal space."
"Sorry." said Dean, "I hope you know, I'm only like this because I care."
"Yes, I know that." said Cas, "And today, I think I need you to care, because this is all very hard for me and I need a friend."
"And you have one. You do."
"And I need that friend not to ask right now."
"Okay. This is me, not asking. I'm speculating a lot, but I won't ask. Can I ask about the kiss?"
"The kiss was a mistake. It was meant to be friendly. It failed."
"Did you bite her?"
Cas looked at him in disbelief. "No, I didn't bite her. Why would I bite her?"
"It was a joke, Cas." said Dean.
"Oh. I don't get it."
"That's okay. You have your looks." said Dean, "So you went for a friendly, amigo-type kiss and it didn't stay that way, because you were kissing literally the only woman you ever loved."
"Yes."
"And I'm guessing the kiss was pretty great and you never wanted it to end."
"You guess correctly."
"Did she enjoy it too?"
"As far as I was able to interpret her reaction to it, yes."
"Not asking about why you're not together, but would it be so terrible to just be together? It's what she wants. It's what you want. The kiss didn't happen because you're both fine with splitting up."
"The kiss happened because there remains a powerful mutual desire, not because remaining together is a rational or ethical choice."
"Love isn't about rational choices." said Dean, "And there is no ethical reason why two consenting adults with no other commitments should not be in a relationship."
"I have other commitments."
"I knew it. Heaven. I will break that place open and snap some angelic necks."
"You don't think I've snapped enough? Angels are almost extinct, because of me."
"Stop. We are not doing the guilt spiral today." said Dean, "After all that Heaven has done to you, you owe it nothing. You certainly don't have the same obligation to Heaven that you do to the loving, loyal, faithful, inspiring woman you kissed today."
Cas said nothing. He stared off into the distance.
"Thinking about what I've said, or just zoning out?" said Dean.
"How about agreeing with you?" said Cas, "You're right. I owe Jules far more and I care more about her, even though it should not be possible for anything to trump Heaven for me."
Dean was surprised. "Well, good! So, we just tell Jules it was all a misunderstanding and everything goes back to how it should be ... "
"It's not for Heaven that I ended the relationship." said Cas.
"For what, then?"
"For Jules. So you tell me I should put her first and that is precisely what I am doing. I'm giving up everything I want to spare her pain."
"You call this sparing her pain?"
"Yes." said Cas.
"This is me, trying very hard not to ask, but feeling very much that I want to."
"This is me appreciating the fact that you're not asking and wishing that I could tell you everything about everything."
"You can. Why don't you trust me?"
"There is nobody I trust more." said Cas.
"Bull."
"Is the fact that I can't tell you really such a big deal? You've kept things from Sam all your life and he from you. You're still brothers."
"And every single problem between us came from those things we keep from each other. Everything we don't say eventually becomes a problem. The Pact was supposed to change that."
"How can I stop you from asking?"
"Tell me." said Dean, "What do you imagine will happen? What, you think ten years of friendship will end because you told me something I didn't already know? Whatever this thing is, it must be pretty bad."
"It's not like that."
"I mean, is it worse than Crowley, Purgatory and the Leviathans?"
"No. Please, stop talking about it."
"I talked about Hell because you asked me to." said Dean, "If this is like that ... if it hurts to talk about it, well, so did Hell, but I did it, for you. And you know what? In some weird way, talking about it to you helped. Talking about this would help you."
"Not necessarily."
"Really? Because, whatever it is, however bad you think it is, it doesn't wipe out all those years when you stood with us against literally every big bad there ever was. It doesn't cancel out the way you dragged me out of Hell or how you have always been there to drag me back out when I fall back in. If you're worried about the balance sheet, don't be. The stuff you've done for me is greater than anything ... anything at all ... that you might have fermenting in that screwed up head of yours."
"If I am never able to tell you ... " said Cas and then he fell silent and Dean understood what he was asking, because Dean had been wordlessly asking the same question all his life, "How far can I go, how often can I fail and still matter to you?"
He patted Cas's shoulder and gave the only answer he had ever needed. "It doesn't matter. You're still my brother."