Effie was quiet the entire train ride to Twelve. She did not intend to make a spectacle of herself when she returned to the Capitol. She was not meant to be in that bridge in the first place but after getting herself drunk to stupor, the guy she left the bar with tried to take her to his home but she changed her mind halfway through it and demanded to get out of the car. He dropped her off by the bridge and that's when she had that brilliant idea to swim. Well, that's what she was trying to tell herself she was aiming that night. It was a lie. She's not trying to swim. She did not even bother swimming when she dropped into the water. She wanted everything to end, to stop existing, to stop being such a reminder to everyone of the terrible past.
It's not just Haymitch and the children. It's everyone in the Capitol. She's the last living escort. Of course, she's a freaking reminder of the games. To everyone who see her, she's the monster who reap kids every single year. Despite living without her makeup and wigs, she will be forever known as Twelve's escort. It's surely the same when they arrived in Twelve.
"Don't mind them. Just keep on walking", Haymitch told her and she followed.
She can feel their eyes on her back though. She always hated the attention even when she started being an escort. It's not the same fame that came with being a model. Modeling is an honest work. You get blood on your hands when you work as an escort.
"Effie!" Peeta greeted when they arrived at the Village.
He enveloped her with his strong arms and silently thanked Haymitch for getting her back. Haymitch did not tell them what happened in the Capitol when he called on the train. He just said that she's not quite herself and she'll be staying in Twelve indefinitely.
"We're so glad you'll be living with us", the boy expressed with a big smile on his face.
Katniss is smiling too which tells Haymitch a lot how much the kids wanted Effie around.
"I doubt you'll say the same thing few days from now. As I recall it, I'm unbearable to be around with", Effie teased but it did not fool Haymitch.
She's trying to keep up a pretense in front of Katniss and Peeta and he let her.
"Well, you're the only one who can keep Haymitch in line so you are very much needed in this place because I am this close to shooting him with my arrow", Katniss played along.
Haymitch brought her suitcase in his house. It's already decided that she'll be staying with him. He noticed that his house is clean which means the kids cleaned before they arrive for Effie.
"You didn't tell them", she muttered when they're finally alone.
"You wouldn't want me to", he said.
She made a face and shrugged. Effie Trinket never shrugged before…or at least not in front of anyone so casually. It's not lady-like.
"Since when does what I want mattered?" she asked.
"What are you talking about?" he asked her back.
"You have a habit of deciding for myself every single time. You joined the rebellion without telling me and expected me to hop into a hovercraft and leave everything behind without letting me know first. You knew Katniss' plan to kill President Coin but you failed to mention it to me despite knowing that it would affect everyone and everything. You decided to become Katniss' guardian and to go live here also without telling me first and just hoped I would jump on the chance to go with you. Now, you put it on yourself to become my guardian too, declared me as mentally unwell to have a say on my life and drag me here in Twelve without, again, letting me know about it…suddenly, you considered what I want. Color me surprise", she answered.
He expected that from her while they were on the train when he told her how he was able to get her out of the hospital. She didn't retaliate nor slap him. She waited to get to his house to do it because she didn't want to cause a scene in front of other people inside the train.
"That's the only way they would let you out of that place. I know how much you hate being locked up and I have to do something. Your parents didn't want anything to do with you", he explained.
She scoffed at that.
"Of course, they didn't want anything to do with me. I am a fucking disgrace to the family! Look at me! They didn't even let me inside the house when I went there. Do you honestly think they will be bothered to come and get me from the hospital?" she exclaimed.
It tore a growl from his throat. Her family closed the door on her after everything that happened? No, they didn't. She said they didn't even let her inside their house. He couldn't even begin to imagine how she must have felt during that time. She was alone in the Capitol and trying to reach out to her family who shut her out. He remembered Peeta saying she's not doing well two years ago. He can see it now.
"Why did you ask them not to call me? I would have come right away. I would have gotten you out of there as fast as I can", he asked.
He would. He wouldn't have wasted so much time if he knew.
"I am not your responsibility, Haymitch. I…I can handle myself", she lied…it's a plain lie.
"You're doing a fine job handling yourself, princess. It's us. It's me. You don't have to act so tough around me. If you're doing bad, you tell me. Hell, I am not doing so well myself but you already know that", he called her out on it.
In truth, he's a mess without her. He tried to drown it with alcohol or any other distraction available just so he could stop himself from thinking of her.
"You moved on. You said it yourself. You moved on and I just…I didn't know what I did. I…couldn't…I don't think I can recall exactly what I did in the last two years", she muttered.
Haymitch frowned.
"What is it now? What do you mean you don't recall what you did in the last two years?" he asked.
He saw her looked down in embarrassment and he couldn't stop himself from closing the distance between them and forced her to meet his eyes.
"Talk to me. Don't hide. Stop hiding, sweetheart", he said.
He can feel that she wants to run away, to avoid this conversation but he has to know. He's been dying to know why she hadn't come for the last two years when she said she would. Why she had stopped calling them.
"I was always out. I was…there were days I didn't know where I was, who I was with. It's just too much and when Peeta left…I did everything I could not to feel. I go out and drink and…do things and then the next thing I know, Johanna was calling me telling me how I disappeared for two years and that it's Peeta's birthday and I had to come. I felt like I lost years of my life because I was trying to make myself numb…" since when was the last time she talked this much to anyone, like really talk to someone about what she really feels? It's been way too long, she already forgot what it felt like. "I think I succeeded in doing that but I lost you. I lost the kids. I lost everything so…the bridge…I'm so sorry, Haymitch",
She is sobbing now and she cannot make herself stop crying. It felt so long either since the last time she cried. She thought that she got no more tears left in her body, but right now, they're all coming out in front of Haymitch. It's embarrassing but she cannot make herself stop. It felt good actually to be able to finally let it all out because she's been burying it deep down in her every second of the last two years and a few minutes in Haymitch's house, she's already pouring out her soul on him.
"I am so sorry. I don't want to be this mess and I didn't want to…that night, I just felt so lost and…I'm sorry", she apologized again and again because she knows how her desperate attempt to escape her hell had hurt him.
She made a promise so long ago never to do that again and yet she did.
"You did not lose everything, Effie. We are all here. I am here. Fuck, princess…it's us who thought we've lost you. I should have come after you in the Capitol. I shouldn't have waited", he responded and pulled her into his arms.
How long has he been waiting for to have her in his arms again? He tried to fill it with other things, other woman, but all that compared to the present. He felt whole with her being there. He just hoped that it's the same for her.
"You have the children. I understand…"
"If you're going with the children always come first again I am going to break the TV. We've already sacrificed enough. They can take care of themselves right now and you and I…we got a lot of work to do in fixing ourselves", he cut her off.
He needs to stop drinking again and she…well, Plutarch gave him a list of things Effie got hooked up into and it's a lot. It's no wonder she lost two years because she's been constantly high as a kite during those times. The Capitol's medicine did wonder in her fast rehabilitation but it does not mean she's not going to be tempted again. He already made a mental note to check her suitcase later in case she packed up a bottle.
"Can we really do it? Fix ourselves? We'll drive each other mad, Haymitch", she asked hesitantly but she did not pull away from him which is a good thing.
"That's what we do, sweetheart. We push each other's buttons. We get on each other's nerves. That's us and I would trade everything to have that back", he answered.
She broke the hug to look at him.
"What about Hazelle? I don't want to get between you two", she followed up.
"That ship has sailed and sunk. She ain't you, princess. I tried so hard to convince myself that I can just turn my attention to something else, to someone else but it's always been you. I mean…" he showed her the bangle around his wrist, "I never liked this manacle but never took it off, not even once. That should say something", he answered.
It's the first time he saw her smile a real smile since they left the Capitol. She looked at the battered bangle and genuinely smiled.
"So, we're doing this. It's not going to be easy. I feel like I should warn you", she cautioned.
There were times that she's going to be impossible to be around with and it's not like what Haymitch used to complain about her either.
"Easy is never our style in the first place. Where's the challenge in that?" he replied.
The four of them had dinner that night. Peeta launched a story about his bakery and his future plans while Katniss told them everything new in the woods. Effie listened intently to the kids, feeling light about having company for once who actually wanted her to be there. Haymitch did notice though that she barely touched her food and she only consumed red wine but didn't comment on it. He didn't want to rile her up on her first night. She's still settling in but he decided to slowly remove the alcohol from his house. He's planning on stopping anyway and she's not supposed to have any alcohol because it can cause her to relapse.
When it's time to call off the evening, the kids went back to their house while him and Effie went upstairs. She's going to sleep at the guestroom because he does not know whether she wants to sleep with him or not. They're taking baby steps into healing. He does not want to rush her or pressure her into something she might not want to do despite how much he misses her. She bid him goodnight and went to her room before he went to his.
It was the middle of the night that he was woken up by a scream. It was not Katniss' scream. It was Effie's.
He bolted so fast from his bed and ran straight to hers. She's thrashing on the bed and he already knew what's happening. Nightmare. He turned on all the lights and slowly coaxed her into opening her eyes. She almost clawed his eyes out but he dodged it before cupping her face to force her to look at him.
"You're in Twelve. You're safe. You're with me, princess", he said. He got a lot of practice with Katniss.
Slowly, focus came back in her eyes before dread sets in. It's why she didn't want to come to Twelve in the first place. She doesn't want any of them to see her like that so she pushed past him and headed towards the door.
"I need a drink", she declared and went downstairs.
The road to fixing themselves starts now…