Chapter 78: Expressing Feelings

When Meredith woke up several hours later, sometime around dawn, she didn't feel warm any longer. She felt hot, insanely hot. Derek's hard form lounged along hers was setting her on fire. By his slow even breaths on her neck, she could tell that Derek was still deep in slumber. Right now, she was really jealous of his unconscious state. Clearly, she was not going to relapse anytime soon. In a mysterious way, during the course of the night, one of Derek's hands escaped hers and roamed to settle on a different part of her body, a very prominent sensitive part of her body. She panted when his fingers flexed involuntarily over her breast. And he still didn't wake up. All he did was letting out a little "humph" and continuing sleeping peacefully.

As if the unconscious feeling up wasn't enough, Meredith had to force herself not to grind her ass back against Derek. His penis was iron hard and pushing at her through the material of her panties and his boxers. Meredith bit her lip; would it be equally bad as sex if they gave each other a bit of special attention? She imagined Dr. Wyatt's stern look. It probably was, and she didn't feel like asking her therapist about the details.

If she only could open up to Derek they could already be in the throes. Damn, why did she have to be so freaking complicated? It was Derek for God's sake. He was the steadiest element of her life, the most precious and the most trusted. There wasn't a thing that could possibly make him abandon her. He deserved the best. She was always best at everything. Now, she needed to be the best for him.

She unceremoniously turned in Derek's arms and pulled at his shirt.

"Wake up! Wake up!"

She shot out of the bed and pulled the curtains open. It looked like it would be a rare sunny day in Seattle.

"What…?" groaned Derek sleepily rubbing his face with both hands. "Are we late?"

"No," replied Meredith resolutely and got back to the warm bed. "We're just going to talk."

"Talk?" repeated dazedly Derek. His hair was sticking in every direction, her eyelids drooping, and his swollen penis probably didn't help matters. "Now? Talk?"

"Yeah, I feel like talking," she nodded. "I… need to tell you… a lot."

He opened his eyes wider at the sincere serious tone of her voice and caught her fingers lightly on the pillow between them, making the only physical contact for the moment.

"I love you," he assured her encouragingly.

"I know," she sighed with a small smile. "And I love you, which makes me… which makes me feel so…" she stumbled. "I've never felt so insecure in my life."

"Mer, I…" he blinked rapidly. "I swear I would never-"

"I know that, Derek," she quickly silenced the stream of apologies she was sure was going to roll from his tongue. "Didn't you believe me when I told you I trust you completely?"

"Everything, this whole mess is my fault- Don't interrupt me, Derek, please," she asked him to let her continue. "You're the most important person in my life. If you're happy I feel good too, if you're in pain I share it. We're together, we need to rely on each other, take care of each other and I… I'm not sure how I should handle it."

Derek looked at her questioningly.

"I just don't know how, I never had any role models," she confessed. "I don't know how to behave in certain situations. Like when I saw you with her… I…" her voice wavered at the unpleasant memory. "I didn't try to explain it even when my initial anger subsided. I wanted to shut you out completely, like you were some insignificant accident. It doesn't work like this. I should have known better…"

She took a deep breath bracing herself to continue, "But I didn't. Then, a few weeks later, I… well, eavesdropped on you and that bitch… it turned out I hurt you for no reason at all. I wanted to go back to you, I wanted to make up, to apologize."

"Why didn't you?" he breathed out.

"Because… because" she hung her regard at the wall above Derek's shoulder but willed it back to look into his eyes. "I realized I didn't deserve you…"

"What?" he blurted out and pulled closer immediately. "This is completely-"

"I don't know what this is, Derek, or what it should be," she stated firmly. "I never deserved you. You're truly an amazing person, friendly, kind, solid… and I… I'm a bitch. We're completely mismatched!"

"No, we're not!" he denied heatedly. "I feel like I should refresh your memory 'cause when we met for the first time, I was hardly a friendly kind person. I was an arrogant self-righteous ass!"

"Just for a moment," shrugged Meredith. "That wasn't the true you."

"It was the true me, Mer, it was," he chuckled. "It was all me. You were my wake-up call, you made me a better person. And just for the record, bitches don't talk the way you just did."

"How would you know how bitches talk?" she huffed making him laugh gently.

"My point is there are no mismatched couples in love," he said fiercely. "We are different, it's only natural. But what we feel for each other…" he lowered his voice. She never saw him more determined positive, "what we feel for each other makes everything else fade away."

"Does it?" she choked.

"Yes," he gathered her close into his arms but kept her gaze. "We'll work everything out, together. We just need to turn to each other if there are problems, okay?"

She nodded in agreement. "I'm so sorry, Derek, for all I did to you, from the very beginning. For jerking you around, for leaving you without a word of explanation… Can you forgive me?" she looked at him expectantly.

"Love, I have nothing to forgive-"

"Please," she insisted. "I need to hear that."

He gazed at her warmly, rolling a tendril of her hair around his finger caressing her cheek. "Yes, I forgive you. You're with me and nothing else matters."

He was relieved to see her smile, truly, freely, like she hadn't in months.

"Thank you," she managed to say.

"You know, since we're talking," he took up, his voice half-hesitant, half-amused. "That thing you said yesterday…"

"What thing?"

"During the session… you said that you would marry me," he decided to go all the way.

She opened her mouth widely; she clearly didn't expect that to crop up. "I… I did…"

"Is it… do you…" he tried to formulate a coherent question.

She gave herself a moment to ponder what answer she should give him. Surprisingly, she wasn't panicked at the word 'marriage'. No danger on the horizon, more like an adventure.

"If we worked out everything between us…" she said cautiously already seeing Derek's lips stretching in a grin. "I… yes… I could… marry you…"

"Then, you will," he nodded firmly, and she giggled madly.

"I will, huh?"

"Oh, and another thing I wanted to ask you about," he chuckled.

"Another?"

"You eavesdropped on me and Gretchen?" he squinted at her curiously. "When? Where?"

"Uhm… the day she was leaving…" she tapped her fingers idly on his shoulder and finally admitted when he wouldn't let it go, "I was in your office, okay?"

"In my office?"

"Yes," she cast her eyes down, she was pretty sure the blush on her face would rival a tomato. "I hid behind your desk…"

After a moment of utter speechlessness, Derek burst out laughing. He rolled on the bed with Meredith in his arms and said with laughter in his voice, "God, I love you!"

She ducked her head down to taste his lips. "So, I think it counts as talking," she said breathlessly. "About my issues and the break-up and all that."

"It definitely does," agreed Derek expertly and his fingers diving impatiently under her t-shirt, his arousal returning with full force.

"Make up sex!" they exclaimed together and hungrily lunged at each other's lips. There was no softness and no gentleness, just the rush to quench their desire. Fidgeting while straddling his waist, Meredith scooted up to pull her t-shirt over her head. His cock gave an impatient twitch at the sight of her exposed mounds. He cupped them with his both hands reverently as though trying to convince himself he wasn't dreaming or hallucinating, that Meredith, the love of his life, was really with him, on him, in flesh and blood.

She moaned uncontrollably as his skillful fingers toyed with her breasts to his heart's content. Her core covered only by a thin layer of her underwear was on fire. Her hips pushed down crashing against his hard manhood repeatedly and she lowered her head close to his, purring into his ear, "You know what else I missed?"

"What?" he panted with the effort he was exerting not to cum before giving her pleasure first.

"I missed…" her hot breath fanned his skin covered with perspiration, "I missed your… huge cock, Derek… I missed it filling me to the hilt."

His eyes closed as he moaned loudly, "Me too…"

Meredith's hands jumped to the hem of his t-shirt desperate to rip it off him when a terrible thought entered her brain.

"No condoms!" she blurted out. While she was fine when the subject of marriage entered their conversation, the possible little Shepherds had still to wait a lot of time even to be discussed.

"No... noo…" groaned Derek shaking his head. "Don't… don't say that… I'm dying here slowly…"

"You don't have…?" she asked hopefully.

"No… left in… my office," he struggled to keep his breathing steady. "Cookie jar?"

"Nope," she grumbled beating the pillow with her fist in hopeless anger. "Fuck!"

"Damn it, damn it, damn it!" he let out his frustrations burying his face in his arms.

"Yeah," she sighed throwing herself on the bed dejectedly. "I can't wait when we are sure of the pill… You know," she pulled herself up to a sitting position. "I can… help you out…"

"No." he decidedly stopped her hand before it sneaked into his boxers. "Just… not like that… It's our… second first time… Maybe it's better…"

"Must you be such a romantic?" she huffed. "Just… tonight!"

"Tonight," he nodded in agreement. "I don't think I can last any longer. Don't know how I'll be able to work today."

She giggled softly, "Keep your lab coat with you at all times…"

"Very funny," he answered dryly. "So, we could go to a dinner…?"

"No," she protested wildly. "Not tonight, no torture!"

"Thank God!"

"I want to do this… at your trailer," she looked at him softly. "It's the safest most beautiful place on earth."

"You are the most beautiful thing on earth," he murmured tenderly.

"You make me feel like I am," she smiled sweetly. "Tonight…"

"Tonight…" he nodded as their fingertips met in a light graze.