Chapter 78.
Sam smiled at Jules. "Don't worry. He's doing well at controlling the impulse to shout at Cas. He really will talk to him calmly."
She nodded. "I think he needs Dean. He needs to talk about this, even if he can't discuss the root of it all and he also needs some time just hanging out with Dean. Since the Michael thing, he's afraid that Dean doesn't like or trust him like he used to. Of course, keeping secrets from him doesn't help."
"The secrecy is really bothering Dean. I mean, I'm not happy with it, but with Dean, trust is a big thing." He chuckled. "He doesn't trust many people, I know, but I think that's the point. To him, the people you love are the ones you trust with the big secrets - only, not all big secrets, cos some, they have to be protected from ... " He saw something flicker in her eyes. "That's what this is about, isn't it?"
"I can't tell you anything." she said.
"Sorry. Of course you can't. I'm honestly trying not to ask, but sometimes it feels like it's some life or death thing and he's afraid to ask for our help - which he would get, by the way."
"I know he would and so does he. I want him to talk to you, but he won't even consider it. It feels like it's all part of the same thing. In ditching me and keeping both of you at a distance, he's making himself as alone as he can and I know he thinks he's doing it for us, but all of us would do anything to be in this with him."
"Yeah, even those who don't know what this is."
"I'm trying to get him to accept me staying around him in some capacity ... any capacity. I wouldn't beg any other man like that, but pride goes out the window when he's looking at a lonely life and when I could lose the only person in any world who ever made me feel loved."
"I get the feeling leaving you is far harder for him than sidelining us."
"It feels so unfair. Why shouldn't we be together? The mortal/immortal thing would have broken our hearts soon enough but now we don't even get that short time together?" She brushed tears from her eyes. "I'm sorry, Sam. I don't cry. Never used to. Stupid angel!"
"Don't you start that too." he said jokingly.
She smiled. "I did call him stupid, when he told me it was over."
"Well, it was a stupid thing to do." said Sam.
"Yeah, but I wish I hadn't said it, because I know he heard it and locked it away in his heart and now it's what I think of him, even though it isn't."
"We all say stuff we regret. The things I've said to Dean at times ... "
"But you had years to tell him you didn't mean those things. If we really separate now, he'll carry that for the rest of his life and he's immortal."
"I'm feeling very hopeful about you two. It's obvious that he doesn't want to lose you and nobody is better at dealing with him than you are."
"But if I fail and have to leave, I'm counting on you and Dean to keep him safe and keep him sane. He needs a lot of support and constant reassurance not just that he's loved, but that he's not in the way ... that he's not a burden. He loses faith in himself so easily and he projects that onto everyone around him and he goes into mental loops where he just piles blame onto himself and you need to recognise that and tell him he's doing it."
"Don't make plans for when you leave, because if he realises you're doing that, he'll assume you want to and leaving you then becomes a lot easier." said Sam.
"You're right, but I have to make sure ... "
"I promise, whatever happens, Dean and I will take care of Cas."
"Thanks."
"But he'd still be better off with you, because we're a pair of emotionally constipated jerks and you are a fully-rounded, virtually sane human being."
"Thanks for the virtually."
"Hey, you earned it." said Sam.
She grinned. "You know, meeting you and your brother changed my life almost as much as meeting Castiel. You've been good friends and you've taught me a lot about hunting."
"That's great, but please don't talk as if it's all over. We have more to teach you and we'd like to work on being better friends."
"You're pretty incredible friends already. You took me in from another world. You gave us all hope and you never once told Cas he should aim higher."
"Going after you was aiming for the stars." said Sam, "You're so good for him."
"I wish he saw it that way."
"So do I, but we'll make him see it. There's a lot I don't know about the present situation, but there's not much I don't know about Cas. Deep down, he knows he needs you. The hardest part is convincing him he has a right to be happy. To be honest, I have the same trouble with Dean."
"And he has the same trouble with you." she said.
"See how lucky you are to be the virtually sane one?"
"I don't feel worthy of him or you or anything I have in this world, but recent years in the other world have taught me to grab anything good, whether it's technically yours or not, because that's how you survive. So even though I don't deserve him, I'll cling to him for as long as I can."
"You do deserve him and I don't say that lightly, because most of the people in this world don't come close. Most importantly, you see him as he is. Others see the angel or the awkward doof in the weird coat. You see Cas, with all his strengths and insecurities and you reflect a true image back to him. When he's been around you, he likes himself more. That's no small thing."
"You really think so?"
"He's completely different. You did the same for Dean when Michael first let him go. That night when you took him out for a drink, that helped him so much."
"I tried. I love Dean."
"And I won't deny you're a large part of the reason why I made it through the time when he was ... when Michael ... " It was still hard to refer to it directly or even to think about it.
"Yes." she said, evidently no more eager to dwell on it than he was, or perhaps just solicitous for him. "Yes, I think we all helped each other through that." she said.
"It's what we do. We take care of each other. Isn't that the whole point of a family?" Sam looked into her eyes and said, "And that's what we are. I consider you my sister-in-law. That won't change, okay?"
"Okay." she said, "Thanks, Sam."