Chapter 80.
Jules looked up in surprise as Dean and Cas walked in, carrying various bags of chips and other snacks. Dean handed her a cool bottle of beer, then gave one to Sam. "We brought food." he said, unnecessarily.
Cas sat down beside her. "Dean's idea." he said, as if afraid they would think he was trying to claim credit for it. He looked at her intently for a moment or two and then said, "I'm sorry I had to go away like that. Things were too intense."
"It's fine." she said, "You going on top of the bunker, I can handle. It's when you leave Lebanon that I worry."
"Leaving at all was cowardly." he said.
"All that matters is whether it helped you. Did it help?"
He looked at Dean. She wasn't sure if he were asking Dean for an answer or worried that Dean would dislike his answer. Whatever his issue, Dean seemed to understand the look. He smiled at Jules and said, "I don't think much changed up there. He was wandering around his own head too much."
"You do a lot of that." she said to Cas.
"I try not to." he said.
"On the plus side, we didn't argue." said Dean.
"We didn't." said Cas "In fact, having Dean around did help in many ways. I thought I wanted to be alone, but it turns out I didn't."
"You just wanted to be away from me?" said Jules, voicing a fear that had been growing since they had left their room.
"No, never." said Cas.
"Definitely not." said Dean, "You're all he can think about."
"If it were my choice ... " Cas began.
"It is your choice." said Dean.
Jules put her hand on Castiel's thigh under the table. "He feels he has no choice." she said, "Whatever we say to him, he can't stop feeling that way."
"It's not true." said Dean, but he said it quietly. His voice was kindly and not at all confrontational this time.
"If it were my choice," said Cas again, "We would stay together."
"How is it not your choice?" said Dean, "Forget Heaven. Heaven has no right to steal your happiness."
"Heaven is not involved." said Cas.
"Tell me." said Dean, quietly, gently, but with a hint of desperation.
"He can't." said Sam.
"Did she tell you?" said Dean, instantly suspicious.
"No, of course not, but look at him. Every time you ask, you make this worse."
"Every time he doesn't tell me, he makes it harder than it needs to be. He doesn't have to be alone in this."
"I do." said Cas, "Nobody can understand and nobody can help."
"I refer you to your section in the Pact." said Dean.
"I refer you to the second paragraph of the Pact." said Cas.
"I refer you both to the third." said Sam.
Jules was lost. "At this point, I really regret not memorising the Pact." she said.
Cas put his hand over the hand on his thigh. She thought he was about to remove it, but he didn't. "I regret every moment of sorrow or pain I have ever caused you." he said.
"Do you regret loving me?" she said.
"In as much as it caused you sorrow and pain, yes." he said.
"With all the sorrow and all the pain, I still don't regret loving you." she said.
He looked into her eyes, a long look that communicated nothing. She reminded herself that he had spent millions of years not needing to express feelings and had little skill for doing so.
She feared that he might be trying to formulate the words with which to say goodbye. To forestall that, she said, "I need to ask one thing, before we go our separate ways."
"What thing?" he asked.
"One last night together. In the grand scheme of things, it can't matter if we wait until tomorrow to end this."
"It's not an unreasonable request." said Dean.
"It makes no sense to me." said Cas, "Won't it just make parting harder?"
"Could it get any harder?" she said, "The thought of never getting to hold you again is killing me. The last time I slept in your arms, I didn't know it was the last time. If I knew ... If I could spend a few more hours with you, savour our time together, commit it to memory, maybe it would all become bearable."
"I don't know." said Cas, "For me, it might make it almost impossible."
"You picked a Hell of a time to start being selfish." said Dean.
"No," said Jules, "I'm the one being selfish. Maybe he needs to get ruthless and just finish it here and now. Maybe that'll be better for him."
"I don't care about myself." said Cas, "If you're sure that it won't make it worse. of course I'll do it."
"I'm not sure of anything," she said, "I only know that I barely slept last night and I won't sleep at all tonight if I'm not with you. There's also another thing."
"You said one thing."
"I mean another consideration. Your grace is still depleted. Do you still need to sleep?"
"I think so." he said.
"Our one and only chance to actually sleep together. It would be a shame to miss it."
"Great idea." said Sam, "Sleep is a scary thing for you sometimes and there's no feeling in the world like sleeping beside someone who loves you."
"I was human when I slept with April. I experienced sleeping with an affectionate companion then."
"She murdered you in the morning." said Dean.
"Yes."
"I promise not to do that." said Jules.
"Saying goodbye to you will be worse than dying." said Cas.
"Then don't frickin' do it!" said Dean. Then he bowed his head. "Sorry. I'm just so done with this."
"We all are." said Cas sadly. His hand was now gripping hers.
She didn't know what she was hoping for from one last night together, whether she believed for a moment that it would change his mind or that they could even sleep with the thought of the permanent separation starting the next day. She only knew that she needed every moment with him that she could finagle. Anything to delay the final farewell.
"One night." she said, "That's all I ask and then, if it's truly what you want, we'll end this relationship and be just friends. Distant friends, if it makes things easier for you."
"One night." he said and it sounded like both acquiescence and a summoning of courage to face that trial of his will.