Chapter 81.
Dean had thought the hopelessness and helplessness had been the worst. Turned out, it wasn't close to the draining blend of new hope and the look of determination in the eyes of an angel convinced that only one possible way existed.
But then, that was always the way with the angels. Everything was written and if it wasn't written, it was probably set in stone and if in doubt, you threw an apocalypse to remove the uncertainty and clear the board.
He had thought they had led Cas into another way of thinking, where there were options, where there was always another choice and if all choices looked bad, you looked for another and if you had to do a bad thing, you knew you would have to find a way to undo it later. Okay, fine, it was messy and dangerous and you spent a lot of time following hunches that were uncertain or outright wrong, but you didn't lie down and let fate walk all over you. You spat in destiny's eye and you forged your own path, even if it were the worst forgery of all time.
He had thought of Cas as more than the other angels and he still saw him that way, but the angel was still in there, with all that angelic programming and his default, whenever things got complicated or scary, was to accept "what must be" and "what must be" was almost always some kind of sacrifice on his part. It all came back to the same assessment of his worth, that he was nothing, deserved nothing.
So, when Jack came back from watching his movie and Sam told him the great news that Jules would be staying overnight, Dean left them to celebrate and excused himself, telling them he was going to let Sarah know that Jules would not be home that night. When he called her, he said, "Just calling to tell you, Jules will stay here tonight."
"I thought she might." said Sarah.
"Nothing's resolved and Cas is still pretty sure it's all over, but it's not entirely wrong to think there are legitimate grounds for hope, is it?" he said. Alone in his room, with her the only witness, he could admit to needing some spark of light.
"I hope not." she said, "I'm hopeful too. You're right to be cautious, It may well take more than one night for Castiel to change his mind, but when he's away from her and isolated from the rest of us, he's stuck in an echo chamber of his own fears and assumed inadequacies,"
"Exactly, but if they're together, one, she has a way of getting through to him and b, he's constantly being reminded of just what it is he's giving up. Sooner or later, his stubbornness will fail, because even Cas will eventually realise that he needs her."
Sarah sounded cheerful. "And if he can be persuaded to be around her for one night, he can be persuaded to be with her for two or three or four, however many nights it takes."
"He's clever, though. He's already worked out that this could make sticking to his plan much more difficult."
"Yet he's doing it. That suggests to me that he may want to be talked out of his plan."
"I want to believe that, but whenever I try to talk him out of it, it's like talking to a brick wall."
"On a conscious level, he believes his decision is right and that he must stick to it."
"Well, Cas would say angels don't have a subconscious."
"According to Castiel, angels don't have a lot of things we can clearly see in him." said Sarah.
"Yeah, he's full of crap. Sorry."
"Never edit for my benefit, Dean. I've been around. I've heard a lot worse."
"You never say worse." he said.
"You didn't hear me after Michael grabbed you."
"I invited Michael in." he said. He wasn't even sure why it bothered him so much that everyone spoke as if he were the victim of an abduction, rather than an idiot who had handed his body to an archangel. He felt he should have appreciated the kind lies, but it somehow made him feel more guilty, as if to his collusion and stupidity should be added an unwitting deception.
"This must be a very bad time for you." she said, for no reason.
"Family stuff, you know?" he said, knowing that she understood completely ... maybe even better than he did.
"So it's good that we have hope now." she said.
"It is." he said.
"And how's your strong, silent brother?"
"Strong and silent. You know Sam, as long as he can put someone else's issues in the frame, he'll never admit to any part of his."
"Winchesters!" said Sarah, good-naturedly.
"I know. We're nothing but trouble. Not sure why anyone would voluntarily get involved with us, but I'm real glad that you and Jules did."
"Trust me, so are we." she said, "So, Castiel's not talking much either?"
"Barely at all. At first, I just thought he didn't trust me ... and he so doesn't, but it's more than that. It's like he's locked away, deep inside and he doesn't even hear me talking some of the time."
"That must be frustrating." she said.
"It's frustrating and annoying and it's scary. It's like frickin' origami. He's just folded in on himself and the outside world doesn't exist. I was out on top of the bunker with him earlier and he might as well have been on another planet. I don't know how to call him home."
"I've seen him like that. It's so hard, not being able to make him understand that he can talk to us."
"But Jules makes a connection to him. When she's around, he's aware of it and he responds to her in ways he can't to anyone else. So if they're gonna have one of their sleepovers, that can only be good."
"I agree." said Sarah.
"Worst case scenario, they still split up, but at least he knows exactly what he threw away, because I don't think he's fully thought it through."
"Best case scenario?" said Sarah.
"They have hot sex and his brain is so fried he forgets he ever wanted to leave her."
"I think what happens may be somewhere between the two." said Sarah.
"But this feels like it could be a turning point, right?" he said.
"Be patient. Be prepared for this to take a while." she said, "But yes, I think we can be a little optimistic."
"Without her, he's lost. There's something broken in him when she's not a part of his life."
"We all need someone." she said and he knew she was including him.
"Yeah, we do." he said.