It was dark, dark and… warm. I felt as if I was sinking into nothing. I ripped my eyes open… only that I could not open them. My eyelids felt as if a heavy weight was keeping them closed. I sighed. A soft pressure brought the feeling back to my body. Then I tried again.
My eyes adjusted only slowly to the dim light. A quiet crackle reached my ears. I blinked several times until my eyes focused on a dark, high ceiling. When I turned my head, flashes of lights exploded in front of my eyes, followed by a sharp pain. Groaning, I squinted my eyes close.
"Arya," I heard a male voice from the left. When the pain subsided to a tolerable throbbing and the memories off what had happened started to return. Severus.
"Arya, can you hear me," the voice asked again. Disappointment made my heart heavier when I recognised the man who had come to kneel next to me. Remus Lupin. Then sweet darkness engulfed me once more…
The next time I opened my eyes, I felt an uncomfortable heat in my body. Slowly, I opened my eyes. The light in the room was blinding me. As I moved my head a little, I realised that I was still laying on the couch in the living room of Grimmauld Place. A weary sigh escaped my lips. The air I inhaled was too warm for my liking. Groaning I pushed the blanket away and pushed myself into a sitting position. My entire body was trembling with the effort, my muscles weakened from – how long had I been unconscious? Days? Weeks? I looked around but no one was there. I was alone.
A throbbing pain hammered against my skull and I buried my face in my hands. At least my skin was cooling a little without the blanket. Pieces of memories flashed through my mind. Oh, how much I wished to see Severus. He had not been fooled. He had known that I could die. His eyes had betrayed his fear. A cool shiver ran down my back as I remembered the terrible feeling of darkness in my body. I had believed I would die. The pain had been beyond anything I could possibly imagine. I had wanted to die. Although I did not remember everything, I clearly remembered the relief I had felt upon closing my eyes for it had not only brought relief to my body but also to my soul.
Quiet sobs shook my body as crushing guilt rushed through me. I had felt relieved to give up on everything – on Severus, my brother, my friends, my life. Shame cursed through me like blazing fire. I wanted to see Severus. This dark place felt so wrong. I just wanted to be back in his arms without having to worry about anything. I wanted to feel his warmth, smell his scent and hear his comforting voice.
"Arya," I heard Sirius' surprised voice. Footsteps approached me, but I did not look up. "How are you feeling?"
I closed my eyes and shook my head in my hands. I had never felt so out of place before. How long had I been here? When had Severus visited me the last time? Had he been informed that I had woken up? The couch dipped down next to me and I froze as a hand touched my back. "Are you alright?"
A choked snort left my nose before I could stop it. My mouth felt so dry and I needed several attempts to swallow the thick lump in my throat. With trembling hands, I wiped my tears away. "How-," my hoarse voice broke and dry coughs left my head spinning. My eyes watered and my lungs itched with every breath. Was the pain returning? Had my body not recovered yet? But why was I not feeling any pain then?
"Here, drink this," a sparkling vial was pushed into my trembling hands. I downed it slowly, the cool liquid burning its way down my throat. A warm feeling settled in my stomach and suddenly my trembling vanished. The elbish potion worked its magic by strengthening my body. But I knew that I would need more rest.
"How is Mr. Weasley," I asked quietly and raised my head. Lupin was sitting on the small table and watching me with concern in his brown eyes. His lips twitched into a warm smile.
"He returned home before Christmas."
For a moment I could only stare at him. My mind needed time to process the good news, but they only brought a short relief to my heart. The memory of Arthur Weasley was quickly pushed aside for one of Severus once more. Tiredly, I rubbed my face and rested my elbows on my knees.
"How long was I unconscious," I barely managed to whisper. Did my brother even know?
Lupin swallowed, but it was Sirius who answered. "Almost eight weeks. You first woke up two days ago."
Eight weeks… I swallowed and lowered my gaze to my hands. My heart was aching to see Severus. Forcing myself not to get lost in thoughts, I looked up again. "Could I have some water?"
Lupin nodded and cast Sirius a short look. The other man rose and left the room. Lupin looked at his hands. For a moment there was only silence between us and I watched him playing nervously with his fingers.
"Does he know that I woke up," I finally broke the silence. Lupin's head snapped up and I cast him a pleading look. "Please, tell me you informed him… or Dumbledore."
A sheepish expression had settled on his features. I furrowed my eyebrows when he threw a nervous glance over his shoulder to where Sirius had left the room. "Dumbledore knows. I sent him a letter when you first woke up, so I assume that Severus knows as well."
"Something's wrong," I said quietly and watched him. He was hiding something – I saw it in his nervousness. He opened his mouth but quickly closed it again when Sirius appeared again.
"There you go. Take it slow," he passed me the cup and I downed it with a few gulps. It eased the burning thirst at once. "Arya, look," Sirius seemed extremely uncomfortable when he sat down. He swallowed and exchanged a long look with his friend. He ran one hand through his hair. I glanced from him to Lupin, but he only smiled sadly. "I'm sorry about that potion. I should've listened to you when you didn't want to take it. It was my fault, really. I only wanted to help you."
I averted my gaze and sighed. A throbbing headache slowly grew stronger. I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose. Carefully I shook my head and spoke quietly. "It doesn't matter anymore. I'm awake now."
"And we're very relieved to have you back," Lupin smiled when I glanced at him.
Sirius chuckled warmly. "I'm sure Harry, Hermione and Ron can't wait to see you again. Molly and Arthur were worried sick. Molly almost fainted when she heard that you woke up."
I hummed wearily, my mind wandering to all the people who cared about how I was doing. A spark of guilt grew in my heart when all I could think about were Severus and Draco. Although the Gryffindors were my friends, my concern only allowed me to think about my brother's and Severus' troubles.
Sighing I rubbed my tired face and cast Lupin a small smile. "Would you mind helping me to the loo?"
"Of course," the other man replied.
The usually short trip seemed to take forever as I dragged myself into the entrance hall. Lupin's arm was keeping a firm hold of my shoulder to keep me from falling. My breathing turned heavy with exertion when he finally closed the door behind me. Slowly I moved closer to the sink and looked at myself in the mirror. If I had had the strength to do so I would have shaken my head. I looked like a walking corpse. Pearls of sweat glistered on the pale skin of my forehead. Sighing I leaned on the sink and lowered my head. My eyes closed.
What was Severus doing right now? Was he even thinking about me or was he too busy with his classes? Surely he had left Hogwarts again to see my father. But would he come to Grimmauld Place for me? Angrily I ripped my eyes open and scowled at my reflection. Of course he would not.
"Get yourself together," I muttered. Despite our relationship I was not his priority, I knew that. He had enough to take care of already. He could not abandon his duties. He was probably not allowed to and could not leave the castle with Umbridge spying for the Ministry anyway. I sighed again and forced my weakened body to turn around. I would see him again… but not yet.
Another week passed by and Severus did not visit me at Grimmauld Place. The periods of time that I spent out of bed and on my feet grew with every day – as did my frustration. I had walked through the entire house and looked for a lighter place, but the house had been built for Slytherins, so the dominating colours were dark and cold, mostly black and an unnatural dark shade of green. I despised the house more with every passing hour.
Mr. Weasley had returned to work, so Mrs. Weasley stayed mostly at the Burrow. Remus and Sirius were my only company – admitted, an awkward company. Although I could still feel the magic in my body, it was weaker than ever before. The Dark magic had vanished from my system, at least I could not feel it anymore. But my body was still weakened and used every spark of magic to recover.
But it was not what bothered me the most. I despised the house. Spending time around Remus, Sirius and other order members occasionally made me feel only more restless. My body was weak but my heart and mind ached for returning to Hogwarts.
It was mid-February when I was finally allowed to return to Hogwarts. Apparently Remus had kept the Headmaster informed about my condition. It annoyed me that I had never been addressed directly while others made the choices for me. But since it concerned my return to Hogwarts, I choose to keep my mouth shut and not waste my energy for useless discussions. After all I wanted to see Severus again as soon as possible.
Finally I stepped into the fireplace at Grimmauld Place and hesitantly took a handful of Sirius' offered floo-powder. If I had possessed my powers, I could have easily transported myself without the aid of magical inventions.
"Hogwarts," I said and a smile came to my lips when green flames enwrapped my entire body.
"Ah, Aryanna, welcome back," a smiling Dumbledore greeted me when I stepped out of the fireplace in the Headmaster's office. "Please, take a seat." He motioned to the chair in front of his desk.
Reluctantly I followed his order and kept myself from fidgeting nervously. I just wanted to run into the Dungeons and throw myself in Severus' arms. But with my still weakened body I would probably only fall down the stairs and end up in the hospital wing before I would make it to his office. I folded my hands, my fingers pressing deeply in my skin.
Dumbledore sat down and blue eyes twinkled at me. It was slightly unnerving but strangely enough it made me feel calmer. It was nothing compared to the feeling of darkness I had perceived only weeks before. "I'm relieved to see you doing so well. We were all very concerned, especially your friends and, well, Severus. What you did was a great act of kindness for the Weasley family. You have saved your friends' father and Mrs. Weasley's husband. A great sacrifice indeed."
I bit the inside of my cheek, not knowing what to say. What could I possibly say if I had only taken the risk because of the curse that loomed over me like the shadow of death. Dumbledore folded his hands and a serious expression settled on his old features.
"You ought to be vigilant when it comes to Professor Umbridge. She has taken quite an interest in your condition although it should be none of the Ministry's concern. But since she knows who you are the Ministry was concerned about your prolonged absence with no official medical attest. However that is nothing for you to worry about for the time being." Dumbledore smiled. "We need to talk about your classes."
I frowned. "What about them?"
"Since you are still regaining your strength and magic, I suggest you cancel the classes which might strain your body due to special physical requirements. That would concern Astronomy and Care of Magical Creatures. My suggestion is to cancel Potions as well, but something tells me that you wouldn't agree." Blue eyes twinkled amused. "Now, we both know that your classes are not your major concern in this school. " Dumbledore raised an inquisitive eyebrow. "I strongly advise you to stand back in Professor Umbridge's class and not risk another detention. I cannot interfere with her detentions since she has every right to impose them."
I nodded as a shiver ran down my back. No, I certainly did not want another detention with her again. My hands started shaking when brief memories of the disgusting dark pain bombarded my mind. Resolutely I shook my head and buried my hands deeper in my lap.
If Dumbledore had noticed my discomfort, he did not show it. Instead he smiled warmly and leaned back in his chair. "Very well, then I welcome you back in all officiality. I believe it is time for dinner soon enough so you might find your friends in the Great Hall. If you need any assistance, you ought to see Madame Pomfrey first."
I nodded again and pushed myself to my feet. I could see the portraits' eyes on me when I made my way to the door. "And Aryanna?" I pulled my hand from the knob and turned around. Dumbledore was piercing me with an unreadable gaze. "Severus' safety also lies in your hands. Do not put him at risk."
For a moment I could only stare at the Headmaster. The meaning of his words was perfectly clear – the warning in them. He was not giving his blessing to our relationship. No, Dumbledore was making sure to remind me of Severus' importance for the outcome of this war. Our relationship meant little compared to the fate of the Wizarding World. It was ironic, truly, since he had insisted on the opposite last year.
Without another word I left the office and made sure to close the door loudly behind me. The feeling of anger in the pit of my stomach burned away every feeling of hunger that I had felt before. As smart and powerful as the Headmaster was, he was equally infuriating and manipulative.
The corridors were deserted so it was on the stairs down to the first floor that I chose to take advantage of my invisibility – except for the Headmaster, nobody had seen me so far. Perhaps some teachers already knew that I had returned, but only Professor McGonagall and the Headmaster would notice if I missed dinner. With a growing smile on my lips, I stole myself into the Dungeons. Forgotten was my weakened body.
My heart was beating faster with every step when I approached Severus' office. It felt as if it was pushing my body in his direction, as if I had no other choice. My heart was almost suffering with the powerful ache that suddenly exploded in my chest. And although my magic was weak, I could still perceive his presence in his private quarters. My soul was desperately reaching out for the man only two doors away. I did not even notice when I allowed myself access to his office. All I could think about was Severus. Then the door to his private quarters opened.
My legs were trembling and I had to focus on my steps. Nervously I wrung my hands and swallowed the thick lump in my throat. There he was, sitting on the couch with his back to me.
"Severus," I whispered barely audible and stared at the familiar black hair.
Severus' head shot up and a book fell from his hands. He whirled around, his expression so full of shock and incredulity that my heart shattered. In the blink of an eye, Severus was on his feet and moving in my direction. Before I could register what was happening, strong arms had pulled me close to his body. The feint scent of potions engulfed me, then warmth embraced me from all sides.
"Arya," Severus breathed in my ear and I buried my face in the crook of his neck. I trembled when I pressed my body against his. With shaking breaths, I inhaled his scent as deeply as possible. Severus tightened his hold on me.
"I'm so sorry, Severus," my voice broke. "I'm sorry to put you through this, but I couldn't stand by and do nothing. I had to try and–"
"I know," Severus muttered and pulled back far enough to look at me. Our foreheads touched and our breaths mingled. Obsidian eyes drunk in my features. Severus' fingers ghosted tenderly over my cheek, my nose, my lips. He buried his hand in my hair and pulled me even closer. Then his lips crashed on mine and all air was knocked from my lungs.
The kiss held a power that I had not felt before. While Severus had always been gentle and loving with me, this time was different. So many emotions, too many emotions for me to understand, lied in this kiss. His hold on me was strong and desperate and I was grateful for it for I could hardly believe that this was reality.
"Severus," I whispered when he pulled back after a moment. His intense gaze wandered over me as he cupped my face with his hands.
"When did you return," Severus asked quietly as he pulled me closer to him. I could feel his body trembling as I pressed myself against his chest. He had pulled me down to sit on the couch, but there was not an inch left between us. Possessively he wrapped his arms around me. I rested my head on his shoulder and clutched his frockcoat tightly in my hands.
I sighed loudly, my heart only slowly calming when Severus buried his face in my hair. Only when I could feel his warm breath rolling down my face was I capable to answer his question. "I'm coming from Dumbledore's office. I wanted to go to dinner, but I had to see you."
Severus pushed strains of hair behind my ear and gentle fingers under my chin raised my head until our eyes locked. Obsidian eyes watched me with an intensity that caught me off guard. A warm, comfortable shiver rushed through my body and left my skin tingling. I knew, no matter how many times or how long Severus looked at me, I would never grow used to the sincerity and intensity of his dark eyes.
"Are you alright," muttered Severus tenderly and caressed my cheekbone with his thumb.
I trembled from the explosion of emotions that suddenly overwhelmed my body. Closing my eyes, I hummed and rested my forehead against his. My voice was shaking. "Yes, yes, I'm alright now. I'm alright."
I kept repeating the words that were out of my control. I was lost in my emotions and sensations of my body when my hold on him tightened. My mind and body had a will of their own. I could not feel my body anymore nor the fastening, shallow breaths my lungs were taking. I smelled potions, felt warmth, strength and possessiveness around me – I was completely surrounded and overwhelmed by Severus.
"I've got you, elb. You're safe now," Severus muttered and kissed the top of my head. "You're safe."
I closed my eyes and buried my face deeper in his chest. The world vanished around me as the sensations lulled me to a peaceful state of mind. The outsider, insecure Arya Evandar could finally come to the surface and find comfort and strength in Severus' embrace again. I was safe and home.
"Can I stay with you," I asked quietly and raised my head.
Severus' gaze wandered over my face. So many emotions were shining in his eyes. In that very moment I could see it clearly in front of me – in these eyes that were darker than the night sky yet more alive than ever before.
He ran his fingers over my cheek. "If that is what you wish."
I chuckled and gently nudged his forehead with mine. "Oh, I do." Black eyes stared at me. My skin tingled when Severus brushed a loose strain behind my ear. "I missed you, meleth nîn."
Pain flickered in his eyes and Severus pressed himself closer. I could feel his trembling lips brushing my warm cheeks. "I thought I would lose you, Arya." His hand glided in my hair. "I feared I would never see you again."
I swallowed the thick lump in my throat. Before I could reply anything, Severus shook his head and pressed his lips against mine for a desperate kiss. I wrapped my arms around his neck and shivered when I felt his hand in my hair. I smiled when Severus sighed and pulled me closer. Our tongues danced together as his hands wandered over my body. All thoughts were forgotten. Everything that mattered were Severus' lips against mine. I clung to the man in my arms as if it were our last day. My heart was hammering in my chest, but I barely registered it with the many sensations that the simple act of kissing him did to my body. I moaned when his lips wandered, touching my sweet spot, and sent waves of heat down my spine.
Memories from our time together at Grimmault Place flashed through my mind. My hands had a will of their own as my fingers fumbled with the buttons of Severus' frockcoat. He did not stop me. I felt his hot breath on my sensitive skin as his lips kept exploring every inch of my neck. My hands were trembling under the influence of his kisses. Then I had finally opened the first buttons of his coat and white shirt, revealing warm, pale skin.
A low growl sounded in Severus' chest when my fingers touched the sensitive skin of his neck. It was warm and soft. Severus's interrupted my exploration when he raised his head and looked at me with hooded eyes. There were no words powerful enough to describe the intensity of emotions in his eyes that left my stomach tingling. He cupped my cheeks and brought his lips to mine. I moaned and allowed my hands to glide to his neck where they sought the warmth of his back. My fingers pressed in his skin and I smiled when Severus sighed.
Suddenly he pulled back with a sharp hiss. His body tensed and a pained expression contorted his features.
"Severus." Coldness wrapped around my heart when I saw him clutching his left forearm. He snarled darkly through gritted teeth. He closed his eyes and took deep breaths to control the pain.
"You must leave." A hard expression settled on his features, but the pain was still visible in his clenched jaw.
An invisible force clenched my stomach and my heart beat rapidly in my chest. "What? No!"
Severus pushed from his side and got to his feet. Black eyes glared down at me. "You need rest. Go to dinner, Arya."
Anger raised at his commanding tone and I jumped up. Tears prickled in my eyes with the meaning of his pain. "I'm not leaving, Severus. I can't."
Severus' eyes turned to slits and the corner of his mouth twitched. "This isn't negotiable. You know what it means."
I closed the gap between us and raised a shaking hand to his chest. "Please, Severus. Don't go to him. Please!"
"I must," Severus replied coldly but something flickered in the depths of his eyes. "Now go to dinner." He raised his hand to my cheek and I gripped his arm desperately. Severus stepped closer and pressed his lips against my forehead. Tears left my eyes when I felt the slight trembling of his body. Then he was gone in a blur of black robes and the door closed loudly behind him.
I raised my shaking hand that had touched his coat mere seconds ago. Tears of shock and fear streamed down my cheeks. My heart was desperately trying to understand what had happened, tried to understand the meaning of Severus' call. Did my father know that I had returned to Hogwarts? Had he called for a meeting or was this call only for Severus? What would he want from him?
I wrapped my arms around my shaking body as possibilities of what might happen to him flashed in front of my eyes. Was my father angry because I had saved Mr. Weasley? Had it been against his plans and now he was angry? Angry at Severus for not intervening? Would I be the reason that he would get hurt – or worse?
"Ms. Jackson," the concerned voice of my Head of House ripped me out of my thoughts. Quiet sobs were shaking my body when I met her warm eyes. "Oh, dear. Thank Merlin you are alright. I was so worried about you! What happened? And where is Severus?" She wrapped her arm around my shoulders and pulled me to sit on the couch.
"Gone," I whispered and fidgeted with my hands in my lap.
Professor McGonagall furrowed her eyebrows in confusion. "What do you mean gone?"
Hesitantly I raised my head to meet her sympathetic gaze. In this moment my heart ached to tell her the truth. I wanted her to know that Severus and I were in love with each other, that we were meant to be together, that he was my fairy-love. But I knew I could not tell her. As much as I disliked the Headmaster, he had been right with his words. Severus would be in more danger if anyone knew the truth.
I swallowed the thick lump and averted my gaze. "My father called him." The words pained me and more tears escaped my eyes. "What if he knows?" I added whispering. "What if he's angry because I saved Mr. Weasley's life? What if he blames Severus for it? If he hurts him because of me, I–"
"Severus knows what he's doing," McGonagall interrupted me quietly, but her voice held all her trust. She squeezed my shoulder and lowered her head to meet my gaze. A hard expression settled on her aged features, but her eyes glowed with determination. "We have to trust in his strength."
"What if he's not strong enough?" Helplessly I stared at her. My lungs constricted painfully in my chest. "I cannot… loose him. I can't!"
McGonagall exhaled deeply and placed her hands in her lap. A quiet sadness pulled her lips into a smile. "If there is one thing I know about Severus Snape, then that he will do anything to return to you. He loves and cares deeply for you."
An uncomfortable pressure built in the back of my head. I sighed and pressed my lips together. Yes, Severus loved me. So much more than she could possibly imagine. Nevertheless her words brought some comfort to my aching soul and pushed my fears to the back of my mind.
"I understand if you are not in the mood for company but you need to take care of yourself now," my Head of House spoke softly. "Go to dinner and then get your rest. Your friends don't know yet that you are back. You could surprise them… and I'm sure Mr. Malfoy would appreciate to see you as well. Tomorrow morning you can-"
"No," I interrupted her. The pressure in my head increased as I forcefully kept my storming emotions under control. "I'm not leaving."
She sighed and cast me an encouraging smile. "You need to regain your strength, Jackson. You have classes tomorrow and with Professor Umbridge on the loose, you need to be careful."
I cast her a dark look. "I don't care. I'm staying here and waiting for Severus."
"You cannot stay in the private quarters of a teacher," Professor McGonagall pressed her lips in a thin line. A stern expression settled on her features when she looked at me.
"Don't tell me what to do," I wrapped my arms around myself and gritted my teeth. "I'm not leaving until Severus is back."
"Ms. Jackson," she sighed. "I understand your concern, but do you think Severus would want you to stay here and neglect your health?"
I jumped to my feet and glared at my Head of House. New tears rolled over my cheeks when my chest constricted painfully. "No, you don't understand anything! I'm not concerned, I'm afraid! I know what my father is capable of and Severus is right in the middle of it. You don't know what it's like to watch him leave, knowing that, while stupid people like Umbridge and Fudge pretend as if they have not a single care in the world, Severus is fighting, bearing pain and suffering. And that it's my own father who hurts him. So I don't give a damn about whether I'm allowed in here or not. I'm staying and waiting for Severus."
"Severus wouldn't want-"
"I'm staying!" Angrily I wiped the tears from my cheeks and sat in Severus' armchair. I took off my shoes and pulled my legs to my chest.
Professor McGonagall sighed and pressed her lips in a thin line. To my surprise she did not say anything else. Instead she called for her house-elf to serve dinner on the small coffee table. I could see that she was reluctant to leave me, but I knew that it would probably be suspicious if two Head of Houses missed dinner in the Great Hall.
Professor McGonagall placed a hand on my shoulder, but my gaze was locked on the dancing flames in the fireplace. My thoughts were far away from Hogwarts. "He will be alright."
I did not even hear the rustling of her robes or the door closing, leaving me alone with my thoughts. My body felt heavier and heavier the longer I sat in my uncomfortable position. I could not touch the food although my stomach was protesting with growling sounds. I moved the few steps to the couch and curled myself up. The flames were hypnotising and the thoughts in my mind faded. I did not know how long I had been laying there when my eyelids finally closed and I fell into a restless sleep…
A banging sound echoed through the room and I ripped my eyes wide open. My tired brain needed two heartbeats to orientate itself. I uncurled my body and pushed myself to my feet. When I turned around, I froze on the spot and even my heartbeat stopped.
Severus leaned heavily against the door, his body obviously struggling to keep him up, but the hand clutching his wand pointed steadily in my direction. Surprise, annoyance, then exhaustion dominated his features. A shaky breath escaped his lips when he slowly lowered his hand.
Coldness enwrapped my body when my eyes took him in. His frockcoat and robes were spotless and neatly in place, but pearls of sweat covered his forehead and neck. His body was trembling although he tried to control it by stubbornly turning his hands to fists and clenching his jaw. A pained expression had settled on his features. The low groan of pain ripped me out of my frozen state. I crossed the room and rushed to his side.
"Oh Severus," I whispered when I gripped his frockcoat to embrace and support him. My tired body was shaking with desperation when I pressed myself against him.
Obsidian eyes tried to cast me a disapproving look, but exhaustion kept the upper hand. Severus wrapped his arm around me and took a deep breath. His voice sounded raspy and broke when he spoke. "What are you still doing here, elb. I think, I told you to go."
I furrowed my eyebrows and looked up. "I was worried about you." He blinked and the corner of his lips twitched, but I did not let him speak. "You need to sit down."
Severus growled when I wrapped my arm around him and I knew he was about to make a scathing remark. But when he tried to pull away, pain seemed to overwhelm him once more. Together we made it to the couch and he let himself fall on the cushions. He kept his left arm pressed against his stomach when he flicked his wand. I sat down next to him when a small wooden box sailed into the room and landed on the remaining space on the coffee table.
Severus glared half-heartedly at the untouched food and muttered: "foolish elb."
"What did he do, Severus," I asked quietly and let my eyes run over his slumped form. I reached out to take his hand, but his heated gaze flickered to me.
"Don't even think about using your magic," growled Severus and grunted with pain.
I bit back a remark and reached for the box instead. "Just let me help you. What do you need?"
The box was filled with vials and salves. I recognised some of them, but most seemed strange. Severus' wand clattered to the floor as he pulled out vials of various shapes and colours. He opened and drank four vials without flinching. Then he leaned back. His eyelids threatened to close but he did not allow himself to rest. I could see that he was extremely exhausted but to my relief not on the brink of passing out. Nevertheless I felt more helpless than ever as I watched his suffering. I could not help him without risking causing more injury. I was drained of my magic and any attempt to use it could end with me loosing consciousness during the process.
"Here, let me," I muttered when his trembling hands fumbled with the buttons of his coat. I felt his eyes on me when he lowered his hands.
"I'm not an invalid," muttered Severus and I scoffed.
My hands went to work and for the blink of an eye I was reminded of a similar situation only hours ago. I clenched my jaw and blinked away my tears. No, this was not at all like earlier. There was no passion, no desire for closeness this time. A part of me did not even want to know why Severus was carefully covering his ribs. At least I saw no fresh blood, but I was sure that he had cleaned and repaired his coat before returning to Hogwarts.
"No, just injured," my angry voice broke.
Severus took shallow breaths. "I can take care of myself. This isn't the first and certainly not the last time."
"Damn it, Severus. Just shut up and accept my help," I snapped desperately and cast him a dark look. He stared at me with an unreadable expression. A flicker of insecurity shimmered in his eyes before he averted his gaze again. I bit my lip and swallowed the frustrated sigh. My eyes prickled again.
When Severus had taken off his coat and revealed the bloody shirt, my hands froze briefly in their work. A few more buttons and I saw the source of the blood. I drew a sharp breath when my gaze wandered over his upper body. More scars than I could remember marred his bruised skin, bearing witness of the tortures he had endured. Blood oozed from a cut over his ribs. I frowned at the surprisingly small injury.
"I used a basic healing spell to keep myself from bleeding to death," Severus grumbled while he pulled out more vials and salves from the box.
Tiredness overwhelmed me all the sudden and I exhaled deeply. My body was weakened from the near-death experience with Dark magic, the few hours of restless sleep and skipping dinner. Hours of worrying about Severus had cost me my last energy. I pressed my lips together and took up the work quietly. The only sounds interrupting the silence were Severus' instructions and groans of pain. I washed away the blood, applied a healing salve on his bruises, dripped potions in the open wound to counteract the poisonous Dark magic.
When I was finally done, I let out a deep breath and lowered my hands. My gaze wandered once more over his skin to ensure that I had taken care of every bruise and smear of blood. My heartbeat flattered weakly against my ribcage when I could not tear my eyes from Severus' most recent torture. One more scar to cover his body. One man fighting and suffering for dozens of people who hated him.
I flinched when Severus cupped my cheek. Obsidian eyes watched me with an intensity that I had not expected. I saw his quiet pain, the sadness, regret, but no hopelessness. I amazed me that, despite everything he had gone through, he refused to give up. He would take every torture necessary to fulfil his duty – the thought scared me. Why did it have to be Severus? Why did he have to bear all the suffering by himself?
Tenderly Severus pulled me closer and I carefully pressed myself against his warm skin. My head rested in the crook of his neck. Severus' soft breaths caressed my face when he rested his cheek against my forehead.
"Thank you," whispered Severus. "I hope you know this isn't a matter of trust… I'm not used to being taken care of."
"I know," I replied softly, his words hurting me in the depths of my heart.
Severus sighed tiredly and shifted slightly. "We should go to bed."
I swallowed the thick lump in my throat. "Severus, I-"
"I'm not sending you away," Severus interrupted me softly.
Surprised I raised my head from his chest. Severus buried his hand in my hair and rested his forehead against mine. The sudden and new form of intimacy in this moment made my heart beat faster. I smiled and enjoyed his warm breaths on my skin.
"Not when I just got you back."
A warm feeling spread in my body when the words passed my ears and entered my soul. I could not stop myself from staring at his lips. In this moment I realised that I never quite figured out if the beauty of his lips was more their softness of their association with the words he spoke. For me, there was always an honest smile within these lips, always coming forth when words of love were spoken.
I closed the gap between our lips and kissed him tenderly. Then I smiled at him, a tired but happy smile, before I stood up and offered him my hand. Severus' gaze flickered from my hand to my face. For a moment I feared that he might object again, but then, to my mild surprise, he took my hand, accepting my gesture of care and allowing me to lead him to his bedroom that would be our bedroom for tonight.