Chapter 82.

Dean had taken a long time away from the others, for a phone call. Sam wanted to be sure all was well. so he went and knocked on the door of his room. "Hey," he said, "Can I come in?"

"Of course." said Dean, "What's the problem?"

Sam opened the door and went in. He sat at the desk, turning the chair to face Dean. "No problem." he said, "Just checking the same is true of you. He's not the only one who's too much in his own head."

"Is that a confession or an accusation?"

"It's an observation."

"Ah." said Dean.

"And I know this stuff is getting to you and I know you don't wanna talk about it and I'm not about to add to the pressure by trying to make you. Just want you to be aware," he pointed to himself, "Brother. Two ears, ready to listen at any time."

Dean smiled. "Actually, I'm pretty good. Sarah thinks Jules staying is a good thing. She thinks Cas wants to be talked out of this, which means he can be."

Sam nodded. "Makes sense. He doesn't want this."

"Who would? You don't walk away from someone who loves you that much ... someone you love that much. Except he does, because he feels like he can't have love ... like he's unfit to matter to anyone."

"But when you think of where he started ... " said Sam.

"True. He's come a long way. Wish I had."

"What does that mean?" said Sam.

"Nothing." said Dean and Sam knew he had said the wrong thing. He should have stayed silent. Too much attention to Dean's words sent him scuttling back behind the silence.

"Okay." he said.

Dean looked at him and then away several times. Some internal struggle showed for a moment in his eyes, then he said, "Sometimes I feel like I never made it out of that burning house. Sometimes I feel like I never grew past that moment. Everything that's set off in my head by all this is old stuff ... ancient stuff ... from when I was a scared kid."

"Dean ... "

"He's dealing with something that could ruin his life and I'm ... "

"Also dealing with something that could ruin your life." said Sam.

"Only if I let it. I shouldn't need people to care about me."

"What? Since when? That's a basic human need."

"And I'm a very basic human." said Dean.

"No, but you are human, however much you like to pretend you're not."

"It's not even that he may go if he breaks up with her and it's not that if he can ditch her, he can ditch all of us." said Dean, "He can't talk to me."

"He can't talk to any of us. It's getting to everyone, not just you." said Sam, hoping that didn't sound like a rebuke. "I know you're the one he feels closest to."

"Well, apparently not." said Dean, "When we were outside, I might as well not have existed. Like you say, he's come a long way. I mean, I've had the real, sincere and lasting friendship of an angel for a decade. I shouldn't complain that his trust is limited."

"You're allowed to feel hurt." said Sam.

"Now, Sammy, you know better than that. I'm not allowed to feel anything." said Dean and it felt like am important admission as to how he really felt.

"According to whom?" said Sam.

"Dean Frickin' Winchester." said Dean and Sam wasn't sure whether that was in answer to his question or a general exclamation of frustration. He waited for more, but Dean was quiet.

"I hear he saves the world a lot." said Sam.

"He has help." said Dean.

"Yeah. We're all proud to help him. It's an honour."

Dean said nothing. His eyes seemed guarded and cautious.

"We could help with the other stuff too." said Sam.

"You do, all the time."

"It would be easier if we knew more about the specific battles you're fighting." he said.

"I'd like to know about his."

"I guess we can't always have what we want, but we still want it." said Sam.

"Do you feel like I don't trust you?" said Dean, with a sudden, direct stare.

"Sometimes." Sam admitted.

Dean looked away. "Sorry. That's a shitty thing to do to you. It's not a good feeling."

"It's not the best." said Sam, "But I've made you feel the same way. It's why we came up with the Pact."

"Which he's thrown out the window."

"We all struggle to stick to it sometimes. It isn't easy, being a Winchester."

For a time, neither of them spoke. Dean looked tired. Since Michael, he had not really relaxed. He still blamed himself for saying yes and the whole Michael thing had caused a rift between him and Castiel. Michael had shut down the mind link and with his head full of the evils of angels, Dean had been in no hurry to get it back. Now that he wanted it restored, Castiel didn't and it could be a lack of trust and that could be because Dean had treated him like just another monster after Michael and Sam could not prove otherwise.

In his own mind, though, that wasn't the reason. He honestly believed that Cas was withholding whatever information he was withholding to protect them, because he loved them, because he was the third Winchester brother with Adam a distant fourth.

Dean felt rejected, probably justly rejected and he was going over all his past mistakes. It was what he did. Sam saw it differently. Castiel was facing whatever secret misery he was going through alone, because he wanted them to be free of it. Above all, he wanted Dean to be free of it.

It had to be something big, something bad. Cas knew how he was hurting Dean, but still thought that less harmful to Dean than the truth. The angel meant well, he always did, but as usual, his judgement was off. Nothing he could say ... nothing he could have done ... could possibly be worse for Dean than the feeling of being shut out when his friend needed him.

When whatever this was became known and Dean found out what he had been protected from, the knowledge would merely increase the weight of guilt on him. He should have known. He should have helped. If Cas had been able to trust him ... But Cas had seen a good reason not to and Dean would see it too, if he had to invent it.

"I think I expect too much of people." said Dean, "I always have."

Sam wanted to argue. Dean asked almost nothing of anyone else, just that they stick around. He gave advice for their benefit, fought battles for their survival, took whatever crap they threw at him and forgave them over and over. He asked nothing and still felt it was too much. "No, you don't, man." he said, "Look, tonight's gonna be stressful for you. Do you wanna get out of here? We could go to a bar. We could see a movie. We could drive to a hill somewhere and look at the stars."

"How is this your problem?" said Dean.

"I've always been yours."

Dean thought about it, then said, "Nah. Tonight's fine. Cas is gonna straighten things out with Jules. I need to be here. If he tries to run, someone has to stop him."

"He won't run." said Sam, fairly certain it was the truth.

"Thanks for the concern. I appreciate it, but seriously, I'm okay. I need to stop being so needy. This isn't all about me. Which leads me to ask, how are you doing?"

Sam shrugged. "I'm fine, as long as everyone else is."

"Well, no-one else here is, so I suspect you're screwed. The brother thing, the availability of ears thing, they work both ways."

"Good to know." said Sam.