Disclaimer, in case it wasn't obvious. I don't own Dragon Ball, Dragon Ball Z, or really any other property. Thank you.

The Long Road

Chapter 82: Different.

Gohan:

It was a paradise.

That was all he could think as his body glided through the air, brushing through clouds and seeing the trees sweep past him below. Compared to where he'd been, he never appreciated the clean, fresh air in his lungs. He could feel the very life inside of it. Even the fresh vapor of the air while he moved through the clouds more than once was refreshing in a way that he'd never thought it would be. In minutes he'd be at the doorstep of the first home he'd ever known. He'd be there with people who loved and cared about him. The cloud of what he'd done might recede, if only for a few minutes, where he could enjoy this utopia. Perhaps he could even find some solace.

It was an open refutation of everything his double had said to him. Especially the last comment, the barb that stuck deepest in his flesh so far. It even made some of his appreciation of this dwindled.

No one is safe in paradise.

The thought seemed haunting as he felt it pass through his thoughts. It wasn't an exterior thought from the Gremlin, or from some outside source. It wasn't an antagonistic remark he was remembering from another. It was the reminder of his own… fate. This place was temporary, no matter how much he wanted it to last forever. That reminder poisoned all of this, even if he still was able to embrace the sensation this freedom gave him. Instead of being elation, it was bitter-sweet.

When he plunged from the heavens above to the once ruined mountains, he landed outside a familiar home. The lights were on and he could smell the remains of his mother's cooking, even if it wasn't seemingly in production now. It was another sensation he'd forgotten he'd even had until only a few minutes ago seemingly when he finally took in the fresh air around him. It was comfortable. It was home. Even an eon after last touching his nostrils he knew where he was. It was distant, yet so close. His own mind raced past a darkness, a fog, an existence he couldn't know, to when he'd come home for the first time.

Each of his homecomings were after trials he could… wished he'd never experienced. If only he could have seen the world as Taro did… that it was all just a dream. The truth was far harsher. His other self had made that clear, and despite how much he already could tell he hated hearing it… he was probably right. He was still there. He was still in that empty void. He was still standing on the surface of blackened glass, looking out at the separating light of a broken reality. He was still 'breathing' in stale air and watching fire rampage through a world around him, while his feet pressed into grey-dust. There were still the demons of his mind, and one very prevalently so. This place was the illusion, more so than the place he came from.

This world was temporary… the one he came from was forever. And he knew somewhere in his soul, that forever was something he'd already sensed… when he was separated. It was all fog… an endless time of fog in his mind, veiled and unable to be touched. Trying to even think into it made him feel like he was going mad. Even now as he thought on it, he felt very… alone. The good memories of this home were almost forgotten in the blink of an eye. The fresh-air, once familiar, was foreign. The welcoming atmosphere now alien. The lie that was his life, laid open in front of him.

I can pretend for a few minutes at least.

Walking towards the front entrance, his body feeling weak as he made it to the door, he grabbed the handle, gently turning it as the unlocked door offered no resistance. When he pushed forward, stepping through the threshold into the home that had been the first stage of his life, Gohan's eyes peered around the room, looking for signs of the familiar. For a second, he felt the relief of there being no one here.

There was no need to answer questions or to lie about where he'd been. There were no tears or hugs. It was a home with furnishings and mementos, with memories and the ware of a place lived in. The couch looked worn and the marks on the floor where the dining table's chains slid in and out displayed the lived-in nature of what it was even at a glance. Instead of finding the family he was… afraid of… he only found the ghosts of their presence. Walking towards the kitchen carefully, as if afraid he'd trip some kind of alarm, his extra senses began reaching out, looking for the signs of power he knew should have been here.

"Hey Gohan," a familiar voice broke his concentration, as his eyes darted to the voice that said it.

His mind knew who it was, but he couldn't wrap the concept of who it was to the voice. It'd been so long… he almost couldn't place the pieces together in his mind before his eyes fell upon the reflection of a distant memory. Standing there, looking casual as he walked into the living room, was the teenage form of his younger brother.

"You missed mom and dad, doctor checkup for the squirt," he remarked. "You're still leaving with the others, right? They said it was going to be Sunday, right?"

His eyes didn't leave the youth as his felt himself locking up instead of responding. When he tried to speak, he felt some muscles in his neck move as his anxieties rose to the surface. Past Gohan, in a reflection in a window, he could see a figure standing behind him, smirking back at him through the mirror.

"How the mighty have fallen. You're even afraid of this boy? Are you so fragile, Gohan?"

He noticed then that Goten was staring at him more intently, and there was a realization crossing the other's face. It was like watching the sunrise… a sensation which had once been natural to him.

"Gohan?" the question came out, his brother's tone being one of near disbelief. "Is… is that… is that you?"

A smartass comment, a way of blowing him off, of beginning to clear the tension, that should have been his normal response. Anything from 'well I look like him, don't I?' to 'What gave it away?', perhaps even to more vulgar choices. But it was all dead air.

"Yea," he answered after an uncomfortable pause, his own voice sounding half-silent, finding only one word of his vocabulary to share.

"Did you lose all that fire, Gohan? Where did it go? Lost in the void? Lost to the stream of time?"

Before he could even think to respond further, the teenager, even more grown since the last time he'd met him, had already moved forward, grabbing him into a hug. There was still nothing being said, but muscles locked in place as his feet fastened themselves to the floor. Everything felt delayed. He was responding to things seconds after they occurred, and there was something brittle about himself that he couldn't place, but he knew he was at risk of shattering like he had on the rooftop. Just the contact he was experiencing, contact of understanding, of… affection, care… grief, even. It felt like poison working its way through his veins, as much as it felt like a connection to things outside of himself.

The room had turned back for him in that moment, his eyes only peering out across an empty void that went on forever. For the first time since returning, he saw it for what it was. He saw a glimpse of the years lost to him. Grabbing Goten by the shoulders, he pushed his brother away a second later, barely managing to keep his outer composure, trying to feign gratitude.

"Hey, wow," he eased. "You okay?"

His brother's eyes were red, and he looked like he was… crying?

Had these people really missed him this much? He knew they must have. He knew it. He remembered the panic and desperation shown more than once when the heat of battle had been at its height. He knew it when they'd cared for him while injured… or forgiven him for… the… when they'd…

A thrumming noise pulsed in his skull as his thoughts moved back to the events that had carried him into the Hell he'd experienced… and into the void… the endless void… Into the…

"It's okay," he reassured. "C'mon, you've gotta have those things stored up for things more worthwhile than me, Goten."

"Shut up," his brother managed. "Everyone's been so worried. The Dragon couldn't bring you back. Mom and dad could barely handle it and-"

Ironic, wasn't it? These were the only people who ever really cared about him, and just like all of the people he'd killed, he'd only caused them this too. Even in the future, or another future, it'd turned out the same, or worse. It might have been a better idea to flee here while he still had the chance. It was just a lie though, a lie he'd convinced himself of, given that Goten was here now. His father would find him regardless now.

"It isn't like the stupid Dragon's come through for me before," Gohan offered, trying to sound like how he… used to be. "Besides, apparently I've been missing a whole lot. Focus on that, then making the noise and, you know, the tears. Trust me, you should keep those saved up for something more important."

I'm really not worth them, kiddo.

Carefully, he let go of his brother's shoulders as the two stood across from one another. Goten was up to his chin now, and he was guessing they'd be at eye level in another 2 years or so. What was he even supposed to say? Good to see you? He was frankly afraid to see him. He thought he wanted to be here. This place was… an escape. It was always the island in the chaos, wasn't it? His appreciation for it grew in that second, just as he resented that it didn't feel real to him. None of this felt particularly real.

"How'd you get back though? Without the Dragon-"

"Let's keep the questions at a minimum," Gohan urged. "Trust me. You… don't really wanna know. I didn't either."

In a way, he wasn't here. He was in two places at once already. If time was going the way it was meant to… he was in Hell still, or worse, he was in the void, his consciousness scattered across the afterlife. It would reside there until long after he was dead again and residing in Hell once more. If it meant what he'd learned from Taro's escapade to this world, along with Junia and Brass, he wasn't… really their Gohan, in a way. It was another splintering of the timeline. One world where he never came back, and others where he came back at different points or different times. It was strange to even think about. Telling Goten that a God, or whatever Whis was, sent him back here from Hell a thousand-thousand lifetimes in the future was hard to even express. Let alone having to explain why.

Why was the most damning reason to explain anything. What was worse, was his brother's face had shifted from confusion, grief, and relief, to one of a much more serious expression. He could already guess why, in fact, it was the word he'd not wanted to contemplate. It was the why.

"Mom and dad have been worried for over a YEAR, and no one except Junia seems to know anything about what happened," Goten said. "And half of what she's said no one gets either. You've gotta tell us how you're back. If the Dragon couldn't do anything-"

"Kid-"

"Goten," his brother corrected.

Raising his hand in surrender, Gohan was reminded of some of their prior tension.

"Yes, you're right. Goten," he corrected. "Sometimes it's better to just accept things as they are. Questions sometimes don't… have great answers. It's not that dramatic, but I really don't want to talk about it. Everything's fine."

Well, that wasn't wholly true, but he didn't want to confront all the things that weren't fine, especially with his little brother in tow. He remembered being better at lying, as before he knew he could have gotten this dropped. But his sibling seemed intent on pressing on.

"Gohan, you can't just tell everyone that everything is okay," Goten countered. "They know everything's not okay, or wasn't okay. If dad finds out you paid some crazy price to come back-"

Yea, there it was, and there was the truth of it. He had paid a 'crazy' price. He was paying it now. He'd pay it again after he died. He was sure he'd pay it in some way while he was asleep, or while he was awake. He was angry that he was here, alive again… only with the doom of eternity looming behind him.

"I didn't have to pay anything," he lied, looking towards the window, noticing his parent's car. It meant that they'd used instant transmission to go out, at least. "Just covered some debts. Don't worry about it."

"… Did this have something to do with Janemba?"

A glass slipped from an opened cabinet, shattering on the sound of the counter. The crashing noise was enough to make his insides almost jump out of his skin. Everything felt very dark, and very isolated in that second. He could see it. It was gone but he couldn't look away. A seeping, deep impulse made him almost lurch forward as he heard the name. It wasn't just a name. It was something else, something darker. Even speaking the word was… uncomfortable. It was a word he'd never say, he didn't even know if he could at this point.

Behind his own eyes he could see it, in that final moment as his body split in two and his energy expanded outward, spreading through every layer of Hell itself. A trillion, trillion pieces… scattered through the void like dust in the wind. The confusion it showed… the panic it felt… he'd felt it too. It had been afraid, just as he had been afraid.

You are me. And I am you.

Those words resonated through him as he felt himself hold back the bile in his stomach.

"Shoot, the glass," Goten sighed, moving past him in a blur before reappeared a second later, having obviously cleaned the damaged item up. "Hey, are you alright? You don't look so good."

"Don't say that name," Gohan urged. "It's not… you don't get it. Don't say it."

"Say what?"

His tongue froze several times as his neck muscles pushed upwards to speak.

"Janemba."

When the word slipped from him, it felt like sandpaper running through his throat. Reaching out and grabbing hold of the counter himself for a moment, he breathed in and out for several seconds, pulling himself back together. How Junia could even have anything to do with saying that thing's name he didn't know. They both knew what it was. They'd both been there, for what it was. They'd both see what a word could manifest into.

"Janemba!"

That had been the last time he'd spoke it, shouting the name into the world which had become divided. Standing at the schism between life and unlife. Between the Next Life and the Living One. Between chaos and order. The fine line of an endless maw of madness… and…

All these revelations, memories… experiences… came to him only after saying the word. They came to him after hearing the word. Though that was of course only half the issue now. Goten was looking at him like he might be crazy.

Hell, I might be crazy.

In a way, perhaps he'd answered the question though with something far truer than he'd want to admit. He perhaps answered part of the question as to what he paid. He paid a part of himself to come back, even if that hadn't been the asking price. He couldn't step back in time to the moment before he looked into the eyes of a creature which he knew beyond all doubt was not something he could fully comprehend. But he could see its eyes change in their fight as it sucked something out of him, out of everything and everyone it came into contact with. When it changed forms into the things he hated, or feared, or loved… when it looked him in the eyes and told him something he could never escape now, only then did he even grasp a glimmer of what it was, even when he and Junia fell into whatever it was and became one with… one with everything.

You are me. And I am you.

A familiar zipping sound could be heard behind him, near the front entrance no less.

"See, I told you everything was fine," Son Goku said, his voice sounding noticeably less excited than usual. "She's just been grumpy-"

"I don't want to hear it right now, Gok-"

The pair of adults paused as Gohan pulled himself back up to his full height, feigning strength and a return to normalcy. The last thing he needed to do right now was break down like he had on the rooftop. He had to get his shit together. If he didn't get himself together and soon, he was going to just end up existing in this life as he had in his death. Looking at the girl in his mother's arms however, still being held up against her shoulder, Gohan was reminded of one thing that seemed to drag him upward as much as his effort to save face. Though that was his little sister, she was younger than his own… daughter.

Pan.

"Gohan?" his mother asked a second later, breaking his train of thought, looking between him and Goten for some kind of confirmation. "Is… is that you?"

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Goten:

It was a rush of emotion. He didn't know what to fully feel when he'd hugged his brother. Despite all their previous antagonism, Goten had forgiven him long before this moment. Upon seeing him he hadn't been able to contain himself. The hole that they'd all felt missing could be gone. The brave brother he knew had been looking out for him in the last battles they fought was back. The man he saw give his existence, again, to save everyone against Taro was back. His parents could finally get some peace themselves. He could finally even tell his brother how he was sorry for how things had been between them.

But even before his parents returned, Goten realized something was wrong. This was Gohan, that much he was sure of, but he was a cracked mirror. Any confidence he was showing was false, and even then, his normal bravado and whit were diminished. Despite his physical form appearing healthy, Goten could only see someone who'd been… hollowed out. It wasn't just his posture, or almost fragility, but just the look in his eyes. They were distant and empty. Whatever he'd been through had done something to him. He was even uncomfortable hearing about that thing that Vegeta had told them about from what he'd heard from the Trunks' and Junia.

It was such a contrast compared to the last time he'd seen him, the last 2 times, really. Gohan had seemed unstoppable fighting Taro, and even when he was on his way out, was so defiant that he'd blasted part of that monster's face off. Against Brass he'd been their avenger coming in and saving them from that brute. It seemed impossible that he was that now.

With the appearance of their parents, Gohan seemed to try and straighten himself out, trying to pull himself together somehow for their parents, but it was obvious to Goten that something had indeed changed, and his brother's normally superb ability to conceal the truth or deflect, was almost entirely absent. Either that, or his skills were inadequate to the ask of concealing just what happened. If the latter was the case, that was… more than upsetting.

Sounding off about it wasn't going to help anything right now, he just hoped other people noticed and said something soon. Hell, he wasn't even saying how he got back, even though it was very obviously him.

"Hey mom," Gohan's voice broke through his own thoughts as Goten saw the scene playing out in front of him. "Sorry I haven't had time to drop by. Had a bit of a vacation."

Yea, the act was getting better. Confidence and bravado were coming to the surface, fitting like a natural glove, and Goten was almost in disbelief over it. This broken figure had pulled himself together at the last moment, rising to the occasion to mask himself in the face of his parents. The two of them rushed to greet their wayward son, arms wrapped around him and Goten at that moment was more than happy to see it himself. For all the strife they'd been through, through so many years of it, he regretted having spent so much of that time hating his sibling. For all of Gohan's faults, he could see that he wasn't the monster he'd imagined him as. He was just someone who was struggling with who he was, and perhaps, what he'd done.

Because Gohan wasn't putting up this mask because he was being malicious. He was doing it because he didn't want his parents to worry about him, and Goten realized that because he could see his brother in a way his parents couldn't. In a strange way, perhaps, Goten could see Gohan for who he was. Even how he'd just warned him about Janemba, he'd spoken in a way that was trying to protect him.

"We've missed you so much," his mother cried, taking Goten out of his thoughts, there was something raw in the way she spoke that immediately caught his own heart.

It was surreal, sad, and happy all at once. Even for Goten, who'd already carried some of those tears, it was hard not to blink again as his mother's voice cracked while she'd said what she'd wanted to for too long. His father was smiling, and himself looked torn as to what to say, but he was overwhelmed as well. The whole thing was overwhelming with him being back. Unlike his mother though, Goten at least had an understanding of where Gohan had been. He knew where he'd gotten his power from in the fight with Taro, he could sense it.

"So, I'm guessing this means you weren't sick of having me around," his brother responded, but his own voice was as strained as it was joking, trying to lighten the gravity of the room around them.

"Stop it," she chastised. "It's not time for jokes like that."

There was just a smile in response as Gohan continued the embrace with their parents, standing there for what seemed like forever before taking a step back, brushing away something at the corner of his own eyes. A shred of his genuine feelings was apparent, and Goten read more than just relief in his face, but a worry. Was it worry for something in this moment? The future? He didn't know, but even his mother seemed to register it.

"Wh…what's wrong?"

"Hm? Nothing," he responded. "It's just been… a trip to get back here."

"Without the Dragon, you must've had a hard time finding your way back. I don't even know how, you don't even have a Halo," his father remarked.

"Halos are reserved for the dead. I'm not dead," Gohan deadpanned, his eyes flashing towards their father dangerously, as if he was prying where he didn't belong.

"Hey, let's change subjects," Goten interjected. "It's great that you're back and all. But let's talk about what your plans are, am I right?"

Moving off where he'd been was the best idea. Gohan was uncomfortable with that already, and he knew that. The last thing he wanted to do was expose their mother to it, and he knew that's not what Gohan would want either. With his sibling's faced away from his parents when he turned to him, he looked surprised, and grateful. Well, that told him he was right at least.

"Goten, please," his mother responded. "I've got to know what happened to my baby for all this time, with the Dragon and-"

"Look, mom," Gohan responded, turning his head and smiling falsely. "I'm back, but I'm not really wanting to get into the last couple months. I'm okay, trust me. This is the first place I wanted to come back to. Besides, I'm pretty sure my apartment doesn't really exist at the moment, and your couch isn't exactly the most occupied for a couple days… so I figured…"

"I'm sure Goten would be more than happy to sleep on the couch for a couple days while you get your life back together Gohan, but-"

Geeze, thanks Mom.

"Geeze, when are we doing dinner?"

"Goku, now is not the time to think about dinner!" Chi-Chi almost yelled.

"Actually, I am kinda hungry," Gohan offered, clearly following their father's lead.

There was a suspicious look from his mother at all of them as she held onto their sister for a glimmer of a second with a tighter embrace. There were all playing the role of changing the subject, and she knew it. But they were all being polite, and so was she. A sigh escaped her lips before she shifted her gaze between all of them and just shook her head disapprovingly, though not with the severity of anger, it was just a realization of defeat.

Moving past them into their small kitchen, the familiar sound of several pots being pulled out was heard.

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Gohan:

It was… strange.

Sitting at the table with his brother, father, and mother. That was how it felt. None of it felt very real at all. It was all like it was just a dream. Food was being passed and dishes were being piled up. The conversation was light, talking more about the food than about anything else. It was even more foreign to him than when he'd first arrived on this planet after spending so much of his life in the cold distance between the stars.

Still, the food's taste was incredible. It was an assault on all his tastebuds as he remembered the familiar, as if he'd been away from it for eons. His mother's cooking was always the best and he remembered that. Devouring as much as he could with every serving helped him almost forget how strange this all was.

"So, then I kicked Vegeta again, and he got really mad about how I wasn't training the way he wanted. So, I made sure I held back, and he got even angrier. Sometimes there just isn't much of a way to keep him happy."

The idle conversation continued on around him while he ate. The petty politics between his father and Vegeta, their rivalry as a whole, was so far away from him. The food felt more relevant than just some… fight between two men. That was just a battle of one man's ego and another man's determination. Even while listening to his father, Gohan felt just… distant… from all of that. It wasn't the edge of a black hole trying to draw him in… or the mouth of Hell's bottom level… or a twisting broken, shattered looking reality bending and breaking apart, split between truth and madness.

The fights he'd been in, after Broly, were… not what would frame his view of the world as being competitions between egos, or personalities. Not in the way that the others had been. Each fight for him had become a struggle to survive… that's what they'd always been. From the time he'd first trained to the moments he'd been badly wounded fighting on the surfaces of worlds he'd been sent to kill. From the bridge of vessels as he watched the stars rise behind their planets, each one of them burning… It all came into view now.

Hovering behind him, Gohan could feel something looming. It was the same sensation he had every time Cooler's throne would float nearby. The hair on the back of his neck stood up, as he immediately fears the scrutiny that could come with that. An uncomfortable feeling of being watched came to mind. Turning his attention from his food, he peered behind himself, but saw nothing. There was a brief set of relief until he turned back to the table.

They weren't there.

No. They were.

Sitting where they were, food disappeared into empty vessels however. Goten, his father, and his mother… they were all making noise and he couldn't make out what it was. They were all stopping to look at him, but they had no eyes. They had no faces. Something twisted violently inside of his chest, like his heart was flipping and pulling all his organs along with it. He felt himself hold back a lurch while he looked between the three of them, trying to keep himself together.

He'd held himself together for over 2 hours now. He was ruining it all by having this… this breakdown in front of them. When his father rose from his chair, about to move towards him, noise finally pierced through.

"Gohan? Hey? Are you okay?"

Their faces returned, and he could see the concern written on all of their features. The smell of food returned to him and he briefly wondered if he'd even been in the room with them. When his father's hand touched his shoulder, he realized the full depth of the question when he turned to look at him, even for someone as… disconnected, as his father, he could see the look in his father's eyes.

"Sorry, what?" he asked in response.

"You seemed to just… shut down for a second, are you okay?" Goku asked again.

"Yea, yea I'm fine," he responded back, smiling as he did. "Sorry about that, I was just thinking. It's been so long since I was here… just remembering things, that's all. I just got lost in my thoughts, that's all."

The excuse didn't entirely land, but his father nodded before sitting back down, when he looked across the table at his mother, he could see the concern written on her face.

"You know, Gohan, there are going to be things we're going to need to talk about," she warned him.

"I don't really wanna talk about where I've been mom. We were having a good dinner. It's not-"

"No, no I'm not talking about that. We're happy to have you back, and we're happy to have you here. But… is there something you want to tell us? Is there someone, or more than someone, you need to get back to?"

That was a weird question. It didn't seem to fit anything he'd know in terms of questions. What exactly was she talking about? He was here, wasn't he? Did she mean going to Vegeta's? Was this about Junia? He and Junia were not an item, and if she'd gotten that implication from somewhere hew as going to be very pissed. The last thing he needed was his mom breathing down his neck about getting married or having kids-

Pan.

The word came up again as he felt himself almost seize, but he stopped it, feigning stupidity in the face of it while looking back at his mother.

"Hm? Me? No," he answered.

"…"

"What?"

"Are you sure about that, Gohan?" she asked again, pressing.

"Yep, pretty sure," he was quick to answer, poking his chopsticks into the bowl in from of him before putting it aside, having had his fill. "Why, what's up?"

"…"

Looking at his father for a clue, he saw how awkward Goku was sitting before looking at Goten, who seemed just as confused as he was, before looking back at his mother. A silence came over the room.

"So, the house is back, hey? I guess you guys restored a lot of the planet."

"Yea, though half the mountain is gone," Goku remarked in response. "Bulma helped us rebuild everything. I think it was more to get us out of Capsule Corporation than anything, but the house was a production model from Capsule Corp. We're getting some other stuff in soon and-"

"Gohan," his mother's voice was stern this time. "Will you stop pretending you don't know what I'm talking about?"

When he looked back at her, Gohan felt himself freeze in place.

"Chi-Chi, hon, maybe not now? I think he just got back and we can talk about this later…"

"We can talk about a lot of things later, but we're going to talk about this now because he has responsibilities. He needs to get his life together, and if he can't answer me on this, then what is even happening, Goku?"

Fuck.

"Chi, please, let's just give him a day or two to unwind?"

Closing his eyes for a second, he just wanted this to be over. They knew, or at least they knew something. Even talking about any of this felt overwhelming. Everything was already overwhelming. Every memory, every smell and taste. Every familiar moment was all laced with fear or tainted with a reminder of the madness behind it all. He could hear and see the darkness in so many things, and he could sense a looming behind everything he did. And now his mom wanted to deal with this? Something he never wanted to even explain to them.

"I'm going to get some air," he offered up, rising from his chair.

"Fine, but when you get back, we're going to talk," his mother warned him more than anything.

Chair-legs scraped against the floor. The hardened wood was definitely newer than the last time he'd seen it, upon reflection. The furniture was familiar, but a recreation. This place was the home he remembered, but at the same time it wasn't. The people inside of it were different now. Goten, Chi-Chi, his dad… himself, they'd all undergone transformations with time. They were different in the same way this house was now different. Having to deal with all of this now just reminded him of that fact more than anything.

They were all the same, but they were all different.

The door closed behind him as he peered around the darkened sky, his eyes scanning stars that used to quake with terror at his approach. How much simpler… how much easier would it have all been if he were still up there? What if his feet never touched the soil of this world? His fate wouldn't have changed, but there wouldn't be this strife. He would have lived out a life making other suffer, oblivious to his own fate far exceeding their own. He wouldn't be here, now, trying to find a way to avoid his family's inquiry into a subject he never wanted them to know about. He'd have not spent… an infinite amount of time in the darkness of the abyss, with clouded memories and distant thoughts.

"And you'd have not learned the suffering of having a conscience, wouldn't you?"

The voice was familiar and made his skin crawl immediately. This time he saw no manifestation of it, but he did look into the window for a brief moment at everyone inside. They were talking, and he suspected they were talking about him. It was fine, it was expected… but his desire to go back inside was diminishing. Not because he didn't want to be there, he yearned to be back inside with the family who never had a chance to raise them. The desire to go back inside was devoured by the fact that he didn't want to be himself anymore.

That was the cold, hard truth of all of it, wasn't it?

Resting his hand against the wall and leaning forward on it, he let his head go down before he just sighed. That was the thing he'd never be able to escape. Even in the oblivion he was in, he couldn't have escaped that.

A pair of hands fell onto his shoulders as something dark loomed behind him again, his eyes flashed for a second as he felt his heart almost stop in place, like something had gripped it and taken hold of it, stabbing it with a thousand shards of glass and holding it in place. Everything slowed to a crawl as his adrenaline tried to pump but he felt frozen in place. His head couldn't even turn to look, but the large hands pressed their fingers against the top of his collar bone and below.

"It's alright, Gohan… don't worry, you're not stuck in this prison of a life all alone with yourself… you'll always have me."

When Gohan peered up, his eyes taking enough control to view himself in the glass of the window, his body appeared cracked, shattered, as if someone had hit his image with a hammer. Chipped and broken, cracked and splintered. Behind him, he could see only darkness, a huge frame obscured in the night with a pair of red eyes glowing at the window. As it leaned closer… he could see the only detail that mattered. The eyes vanished, and so did all other identifying features. His own features were quick to mirror it as well, his own face no longer cracked and broken… but empty, a void of any identifiably characteristics. Blank and unsettling, he peered into the nothingness that was this moment.

"I am you… and you are me…"

The wall in front of him cracked as he felt the pressure overwhelm it for a moment, his breathing coming back to life as he felt himself gasping for air. The peaceful night's sky seemed to return to the world around him, the trees came back into focus in the darkness. He was sweating, and he didn't fully understand why. It was as if nothing was even there, except for the cold marks he felt on his shoulders. Stepping back from the wall, he almost felt dizzy as he tried to pull himself together, resisting the urge to implode into a ball on the ground as he felt himself trying to escape… himself.

"Hey, Gohan, are you okay?" his dad's voice asked from the side.

Immediately turning his attention, feeling the last few… hours seemingly of time vanish from his mind, he could see the clearly concerned look on the older Saiyan's face. Gohan almost felt the urge to cry, something which he wasn't exactly known for. It was as if he was some fucking kid who'd just been spooked by a monster. The grim reality he knew immediately was the saddest thing of all.

I'm the monster who I'd have hidden under the covers to get away from.

He just stared at his father as he felt his throat tighten, feeling the full weight of it come down on his shoulders as he was reminded of various juveniles screaming and trying to flee from him, looking for parents who were already dead, or who were trying to hide themselves. Humanoids, insectoids, reptilians, it didn't matter what features or shapes they took on.

"Gohan?"

"Yea," he responded back finally, finding the thoughtless lie at the surface of his mind. "Yea, sorry, I was just trying to think through some things."

"I know Chi-Chi really wanted to talk about your family, but I can see something's eating you up about it. We can wait until a bit later, like next week or something if you want-"

"Dad, would you just…"

Go away? Understand? Leave me alone?... Listen to me. None of that will mean anything. None of them…

"You don't get it," Gohan finally concluded, sounding almost sad to himself after a few seconds.

The trees bristled for a second as a familiar, but cold wind, brushed past them on the slopes of the half-annihilated mountain. What more was there to say? Would it even matter?

"Yea, I know I don't," his father responded, looking back at him with an honesty he didn't feel comfortable with himself. "But whatever happened, we'll be here for you, Gohan. So, c'mon back inside, your mom is getting the couch ready, and we'll just talk about things later. We don't need to go over all this stuff right now."

Turning and looking back inside, he could see his mom getting blankets out and a pair of pillows, moving past the dining room table as Goten started to clean up the dishes. It was all the same, but it was different, just like he thought before. There was one thing missing from this picture… the other him, the one which had told him he'd already found Hell, even while he was up here. Sadly, he knew exactly why, because his other self would even be here right now, would he?

I haven't even found Pan yet. What the fuck is wrong with me? What kind of father am I?

It was hard to even use that term for himself. He wanted to avoid it as much as possible, especially in regards to Pan. The whole of everything around her and Videl was hard to deal with. It'd be harder to deal with now. He was afraid to deal with it. He was even afraid to see Pan right now. He was afraid he was losing his mind. It felt dangerous to even approach the idea of going there… even though he needed to.

"It's okay, dad," he responded back. "I can't stay here now, anyway."

A confused look crossed his father's face, trying to put together what he'd just said.

The one thing he really couldn't run from was what his mother had been trying to dig into, and no matter what else was going on, it was true. Even while he felt like he was losing his mind, he needed to go. It was what he'd died for in the first place. It was the only thing that should have mattered to him, rather than obsessing over all his own problems… or rather than letting himself lose his mind. He could lose it later… he needed to find her first.

"I've got something to take care of, and so do you. Let mom know I'll be back soon."

Maybe it was the way he said it, maybe his dad somehow read inbetween the lines, he wasn't sure, he hadn't tried to give the plot away, but it was there. His dad smiled back at him, even if he was doing so sadly.

"Sure thing, Gohan, I think I understand."

There wasn't time left to stick around, otherwise he might falter, Gohan's body lifting into the air before he jetting into the night's sky. His aura burst against the backdrop of the darkness, only to feel like it was being swallowed by it. But there was one thing now rising to the top of his mind as he searched for familiar powers.

Piccolo.

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()

Author's Notes:

Whew. Well, there we go.

As with the Catalyst, no review answers this time around, life's a bit chaotic at the moment but I did find the time to get this done. I hope you all enjoy it.