Chapter 83: Therapy

"Mrs. Barnes, have a seat. Thank you for meeting with me today."

Even if Dr. Raynor was, technically, trying to help them, Mika was still nervous as she sat on the couch across from her. She immediately started picking at her nail polish, but after noticing the doctor notice her bad habit, she stopped and laced her fingers together.

"Um, thank you for your time, I guess." Mika said. It wasn't like she had a choice in meeting with the doctor, or even for when this session took place. Steve had used words like mandatory and court appointed, which made things even better. Dr. Raynor smiled, pulling a file from the end table and casually opening it.

"Besides the whole Germany incident, you have a pretty clean record." she commented. "Excluding that minor hacking thing during your college years."

Mika remembered that hacking thing very well. It wasn't anything big - she just wanted to alter some class schedules so her friend could graduate on time - but the university didn't take well to someone having the ability to get into their systems.

"I was young and impressionable. My friend Alec was a bad influence." she said. Never mind that Alec was younger than her and lived a world away when they made friends online. But Dr. Raynor probably already knew that. And admitting that she allowed someone to be a bad influence was probably not a good start.

She closed the file, looking Mika in the eye. Mika had met enough super heroes and borderline villains to stare back, unafraid of what this woman would ask. "Tell me about how you met James."

Mika made a face. "Bucky, his name is Bucky." she said. That's how he introduced himself, that's what everyone called him, that's what she called him. She didn't know a James.

"I don't do nicknames." she deadpanned. "You were saying?"

"Oh, uh, well, we lived next door to each other." she said. She could still picture the hallway in her mind's eye, the way that she kept looking through the peephole to try and catch a glimpse as Bucky moved in. I want to make friends so he'll carry heavy things up the stairs for me, that's what she'd told Elena. "The first time we spoke, I'd locked myself out of my apartment."

"And did he help you get back in?" There was something in the question, but Mika chose to ignore it. The answer was easy enough.

"No, I did it all the time. I learned how to pick the lock." she said with a shrug. "I figured it wasn't breaking and entering if it was my own apartment."

"You would be correct." Dr. Raynor said. "And you never used this skill on any other doors?"

"No." she said, then remembered, "Well, once."

"When was that?"

"Bucky locked me out, and I…" she trailed off. Now that she knew him, now that they were so close, her fears that were so real at the moment didn't feel as founded. "Well, I was afraid he was going to hurt himself, so I picked the lock."

That answer interested the doctor, and she leaned forward to rest her elbows on her knees. "And did he? Try to hurt himself?"

"No, it was just a misunderstanding." Mika shook her head. "He was fine, he was just…he wasn't used to someone caring about him."

Dr. Raynor nodded, pulling a notepad from underneath the file and scribbling on it. Mika stayed quiet, waiting for the next question. It wasn't an interrogation, but it sure felt like one. She wished she would have talked to Bucky the night before, or even this morning, about what she should or shouldn't say. But they'd been so shaken by the whole ordeal that the brief time was just about being together. Steve's advice was just to tell the truth, but Mika had to wonder: was she supposed to tell the whole truth? These government officials wanted to make sure Bucky was safe to be out in the world, and that he hadn't influenced her in any way. Their truth would certainly show that. Right?

"So how did you become friends?" Dr. Raynor asked, putting the notepad down. "I mean, I assume you were friends first. He doesn't really seem like the one-night-stand or dating game type."

"No, he isn't." she said, actually laughing a little. She sobered as she remembered the moment. "There was a man who followed me home from a bar one night. He tried…well, let's just say he tried to persuade me to come home with him, very aggressively. And Bucky made sure he didn't hurt me, and left me alone."

"That's a very eloquent way to put it." she said. "So you felt you owed him something?"

"I mean, I took him out to breakfast the next morning." she said, blushing as she realized how her words could sound. "Not like that! I just ran into him in the hallway. And offered. And then asked him if he would teach me how to fight. So no, I guess I didn't feel like I owed him, considering I asked a favor."

"And he just agreed, with no sort of repayment?"

"I taught him yoga." Mika said with another shrug. Seemed like an even trade to her, besides the whole life-saving thing. To be fair, she helped save his life later, so she guessed they were square now. Not that they kept score about anything except leaving dirty clothes on the floor or taking Luna out.

"Hm." she said, nodding. "When and how did the romantic relationship start?" Dr. Raynor relaxed back against her chair, crossing her legs and resting her elbow on the back to prop up her head.

"Maybe a year later? A year and a half? He said he had feelings for me, and I said I had feelings too." she said. She didn't understand the question, unless the doctor was hoping for a saucier response. "He was one of my best friends by then, so it was an easy progression."

Dr. Raynor pinched her brows together, as if she wasn't expecting that response. "So then let's skip to Germany."

"That bastard Zemo framed Bucky." Mika said. The thought alone still made her hot under the collar, and she wanted to meet the man just so she could punch him. "He and Steve needed to leave and take care of a bigger problem, so I helped the best way I could."

"Why?"

"What?" Mika balked at the question.

"Why did you help?" she asked again.

"Because I loved him, and he didn't deserve what they were doing to him." she said. "I didn't kill anyone. I didn't hurt anyone. I just slowed things down enough for them to escape."

"Knowing they would save you."

"No." she said, shaking her head. "I didn't know they would save me. I didn't even know if they would survive. So no, I didn't do it as some grand plan, or because I felt like I was forced to. I did it because I love him, because he would've done the exact same for me."

"You truly believe that?"

"I know that." Mika said, no longer nervous or angry. She remembered their time in the Stone, the way he had to protect her. "He would probably go to greater extremes to protect me, if I'm honest."

Dr. Raynor smiled as if that were the answer she was looking for, which made Mika nervous. "Would he kill for you?"

Mika didn't want to answer that, because she knew that yes, if the situation called for it, he would. But what was she supposed to say? She opened and closed her mouth a few times, trying to choose her words carefully. She wished she could switch to Romanian; she found her English always stuck when she had intense moments like this.

"The same way my father would have killed to protect me and my sisters." she said, the only comparison that seemed safe. Unfortunately, it led to more scratching on the notepad. Mika leaned up, trying to see what she was writing, but the doctor held it just right to keep her secrets.

"What is James, to you?" she asked finally.

"I don't understand what you mean."

"I mean, is he the love of your life? The man of your dreams? Someone that you would do absolutely anything for? You uprooted your entire life in Romania to chase him halfway around the world and hide in Wakanda." she asked. Mika didn't like these questions, didn't like that technically, they were true. Once again, she forced herself to think before she spoke. If she gave in to her desire to ramble, it was only going to hurt her.

"He's my partner in life." she said. "He saved me from an assault. He is my best friend. He helped me transition after everything in our lives went upside down. He stayed every day and cared for me while I was suffering from the Stone Sickness."

"You left behind your friends, and your family, and your job for him."

"That wasn't either of our intentions when I went to Germany." she said. She felt like this was quickly spiraling out of control. "But the situation changed, and I had to adapt. I got a new job. I was able to set up communications with my friends. I lived with my sister for six months after we all came back."

"And your mother?"

Mika ground her teeth. Zemo and Thanos and everyone in between tried to tear things apart, but she'd managed to piece it all back together. Yes, her life had been tumultuous for the past few years, but it was not Bucky's fault. And it wasn't her fault that her mother couldn't see that. "She's an adult. She can make her own decisions about interacting with her children."

"So you wouldn't leave James, even if it meant repairing your relationship with your mother?" she asked. Mika couldn't help but bust out laughing at that, and Dr. Raynor looked shocked at the reaction. Mika forced herself to calm down, taking deep breaths to quell the remaining giggles.

"Doctor, the relationship with my mother was strained long before I even met Bucky." she said. "Nicoletta was the one holding us together. Mum and I have a habit of - what's the word - falling out." She hoped she used the idiom correctly.

Dr. Raynor raised her eyebrows. "Huh. Well." she put a line through something on the notepad, then slowly wrote underneath it. She stared at the notepad after that, tapping her pen against it in a steady rhythm. Mika waited patiently; she didn't feel like she'd said anything terribly wrong, but she wasn't entirely sure she said things right either.

"He's not dangerous." she said, because she couldn't take the silence anymore. Dr. Raynor looked at her over the rims of her glasses.

"That's not exactly your job to decide." she said.

"No, I know." Mika said. "And I'm biased. But I've been living with him for years now, I've seen him with our friends, with our family, with children." Our children, she could've said, if things had turned out differently all those years ago. "He has dangerous skills, yes. But he is not dangerous."

Dr. Raynor stared, long and hard, before pulling her glasses off. She set down the notepad and the pen and the glasses, leveling Mika with a heavy gaze. Mika looked back, undeterred. No matter what, speak the truth. That's what she would do.

"Mrs. Barnes, would you say that, at any time, James Buchanan Barnes forced you or coerced you into taking part in illegal activities related to your time in Berlin and the Raft?" She spoke formally, as if for a court recording. Mika straightened up.

"Um, no, ma'am." she said, suddenly feeling the need to be proper.

"And, given an actual proper trial and the opportunity, would you have served your sentence on the Raft without question?"

"Given a proper trial, yes. Absolutely." she said. She liked that Dr. Raynor added that - the men in uniform had forgotten that those who violated the Accords at the time waived their right to a trial.

"Well then, I think we're done here." she said, slapping her knees as she pushed to her feet. "You are free to go, I'll walk you out."

"Really?" Mika asked, untrusting. It hadn't been an easy conversation, but it still seemed better than expected.

"Really." Dr. Raynor said, crossing the room and opening the door for her. "I told you, Mika, I'm on your side. I just want to make sure James gets help, if he needs it."

"Thank you." Mika said, choosing not to comment on the last part of her statement. Dr. Raynor pulled out a card, handing it to her.

"If I'm honest, my professional recommendation is for you to seek counseling, just for your own benefit. You've dealt with a lot of trauma, whether you recognize it or not. Call me if you want to." she said. Mika took the card, glancing down at it. She hadn't considered any of her experiences traumatic, but the more she thought about it, the more it made sense.

"Thank you." she said again, this time meaning it. With that, Dr. Raynor walked her down the hallway to a waiting Steve. He stood up, already moving better from the previous week. The doctor would be happy about the way this hip surgery went.

"Dr. Raynor." he said, using his Captain voice.

"Captain Rogers." she said, clearly mocking his Captain voice. He blinked, then decided to ignore the jab.

"You okay?" he asked Mika, his eyes searching her face. Mika, however, was searching for someone else.

"I - yea, I'm fine." she said. "Where's Bucky?"

"They took him back a couple minutes ago, said it was his turn." he said. Mika stood up a little straighter; surely Dr. Raynor should've been the one to pull him back?

"It's okay, I just had my assistants do some intake stuff with him." she said, showing something akin to tenderness. "Nothing nefarious, I promise."

"Yea, that's what the last shrink said too." Steve said, his voice changing just slightly to show he was pissed and controlling it.

"I'm going to him right now, neither of you have anything to worry about. In fact, it'll probably be a little while. There's a really good coffee shop around the corner, I can have the desk call you when we're finished." Dr. Raynor said, clasping her hands behind her back.

"No thanks, we'll wait." Steve said, making a point to sit back down. Mika couldn't deny that coffee and a pastry sounded really good at that moment, but she wasn't about to say it out loud. Instead she sat down next to Steve, getting comfortable.

"Thank you for your help, Doctor." she said, giving as bright of a smile as she could manage. She'd done her part, now it was Bucky's turn. Dr. Raynor gave them a sharp nod before turning on her heel, striding down a different hallway than the one they came from.

"You really okay?" Steve asked once she was out of earshot.

"Yea, yea I'm okay." she said. "I just hope Bucky is too."

Bucky was, in fact, okay. Annoyed, yes. Over it, definitely. But all things considered, yea, he was okay.

"James, thank you for waiting so patiently." Dr. Raynor said, striding into the room without knocking. If she was trying to startle him, it didn't work. He'd heard her footsteps coming down the hall despite the thick carpet. She didn't offer him a hand to shake, she just collapsed into the chair across from him and pulled out his (thick) file.

"Is Mika okay?" he asked. He kept his voice careful and neutral, so close to the soldier that it actually made him swallow and clear his throat.

"Yes, she's fine. We had a lovely chat." Dr. Raynor said. "I won't share details, but you two better be glad that I'm good at my job."

"That's not exactly encouraging." he said, making a move to get up. He wanted to check on her, to see for himself that she was alright.

"Sit down, James." she said, not looking up from the paperwork. He stilled, slowly sinking back down into the chair. "Your wife is fine. She didn't even cry. You on the other hand…"

"I'm not really a crier." she said. The last time he remembered shedding a tear was his wedding day, but he wasn't about to tell her that. Dr. Raynor's moth quirked up in a grin.

"Right." she said. With a sigh, she put the file down and picked up the notepad. Bucky didn't like the way she wrote on it, it reminded him of the way the scientists used to take notes on the way he reacted, or if he survived a training. "You know why we're here, right?"

"To prove that I'm not a danger to society." he said. "The Admiral made a good point. I lived in society for years with no one knowing where I was. And everything was fine."

"Yea, yea. Guess who still has to prove that." she said, holding up her pen. "The words that they used to control you. Have you tried listening to them again?"

"Yes." he said. He remembered that night in Wakanda, being reunited with Mika, finally holding her and making love to her without the fear of the Winter Soldier in the back of his mind. "They don't do anything anymore."

"Good." she said, writing it down. He wanted to rip that notepad out of her hands. "How often do you have nightmares?"

"Never." he lied. He still had nightmares, they just didn't leave him thrashing and grabbing, and after he woke up he was able to roll over and go back to sleep.

"Bull shit." she said. "Every soldier has nightmares. Even I have nightmares."

She had a point there. Steve confessed once that nightmares plagued him too, though they were getting better. He thought about asking Sam, then remembered that would require replying to Sam's texts, and decided against it. "Periodically." he said vaguely.

Dr. Raynor was unamused. "And how often are your nightmares about your time as the Soldier?"

That, at least, was easy. "About half the time." he said.

"And the other half?"

Mika's sickness, flashes from the soul stone, his wife falling away from him. Things that happened, and things that his brain cooked up when he was at his most vulnerable.

"About losing my current life." he said. He'd spent too much time with doctors, giving them every ounce of his information against his will. He was going to limit what Dr. Raynor got to know, if only to make himself feel better. "Nothing I can't handle."

"Well of course you can handle it." she said. "But the thing is, you don't have to."

You don't have to. Hadn't he said the same thing to Steve once?

"Look, Doc, just ask whatever questions you gotta ask to prove I'm not gonna kill anyone so I can go back home with my wife." he sighed.

"When's the last time you killed someone?" she asked, looking at him with an almost bored expression.

"Human, or alien? Cause I killed a shit ton of aliens about, oh, six months ago." he said, folding his arms over his chest.

"You know I meant human." she said. "Do you even remember?"

"I remember all of them." he said darkly. He could feel how hard he was glaring, and he didn't care. "Turns out, if my brain doesn't get scrambled on the daily, I have a damn good memory."

"Do you have a journal, James?" she asked, making him furrow his brows.

"Yea, why?"

"With you?"

Steve's was still in his back pocket. He hadn't touched it in weeks, but he still carried it with him every day. He pulled it out and showed it to her, leading her to hand him her pen.

"Write them down." she said, tapping the journal. He stared at her, long and hard, waiting for her to say she was kidding. She stared back, eventually tapping it again. "C'mon, I don't have all day. I actually do have a life outside of here, you know."

"Me too." Bucky pointed out, picking up the journal. He blocked off the part of his mind that thought too much, the part of him that always counted exits and windows and haircuts, the part of him that threatened to consume him if he thought too much about the past. Quickly, methodically, he wrote. Some names he knew - Howard Stark, Maria Stark, JFK - and some names he didn't - the Japanese boy, the Polish sailor, the servant in the chateau. One by one he laid his victims bare, taking a piece of his soul every time until he was numb.

"Good." she said when he was finished, reaching down to flip to the next page. "And now, write down the names of all the people who ordered those deaths."

That startled him. The ones who ordered the kills? He hadn't thought about them. He'd only thought about the ones that lost their lives at his hand, the ones he saw in his dreams. Now she was asking for the men and women who started it all, the ones who were deep, deep in his mess of a mind.

Except his mind wasn't a mess anymore.

And he remembered every. Single. One.

"Good." she said, when he was done writing. He tossed the pen onto the table, leaving the journal where it was. Somehow, he didn't feel better. In fact, he thought he felt a little worse. He felt raw and open, but not in the way he felt with Mika. It felt like there was a gaping wound in his chest, and Dr. Raynor was poking it. "We've done step one. We've identified one of the main sources of your post-traumatic stress."

"I could've told you that without the theatrics." he said. She ignored him.

"What do you feel when you look at that list of names?" she asked, gesturing to the notebook.

"I don't want to look at it." he said, answering before he could stop himself.

"Why not?"

"Because that…" he stopped, grinding his teeth together. He realized if he wanted to get out of this, he would have to concede, just a little. "That represents the worst part of my life. It's not something I want to relive."

"You can't just push it down though, James." she said. "That's how you end up haunted forever."

"If I get to wake up every day next to Mika, and live my life without looking over my shoulder, then I can take some nightmares." he said.

"And what about your every day? What are you going to do for work? How are you going to make new friends? You need more than just your wife and your friend from a hundred years ago." she said.

"I have my sister-in-law too." he said. Again, unamused.

"James, I don't believe you're a danger." she said, pulling out the notepad again and writing on it. "Hell, I'd trust you as a neighbor. But you can't walk out of here thinking that this is as healed as you're gonna get."

"So what are you saying, Doc?" he asked. "Doesn't sound like you want me locked up, but doesn't sound like you want me out free either."

"I'm going to tell them that my professional opinion is that you are not a danger." she said. "But I want to see you three times a week for the foreseeable future. That's how you become an active member of society."

"Three times-"

"That's my offer, James. Take it or leave it." she said, giving him a challenging look. He clenched his teeth.

"But I get to go home with Mika?" he asked.

"Every night." she replied. This was a terrible idea, and he was going to hate every second of it.

But it would buy the last bit of his freedom.

"Fine. When do we start?" he grumbled. This was all happening too fast, and once again he was caught in the middle, unable to stop it. Dr. Raynor gave him a wolfish grin.

"Right now."

Not the most exciting chapter, but a pretty emotional one! At least I thought so. Things will start getting into F&WS next chapter! Ah!

Thank y'all SO much for the reviews! Bringing this story back to life is such a joy to me, and I love hearing what y'all think. The details help with the writing lol.

My dad is visiting next weekend, so I'm not sure I'll be able to update. If I am, it'll probably be just one story, and I don't know if it'll be this one or Come Wind, Come Weather. It'll be a surprise for everyone!

As always, hope you enjoyed it, please let me know what you thought!

-XM