Chapter 84.
After his shower, Cas almost went straight to the room he had shared with Jules, but his thoughts were troubled and his certainty was failing and the shower had cleansed his body, but his mind still felt murky. It was as much an instinct as a conscious decision. Without any firm intention to go there, his feet took him to Dean's room, to seek guidance or at least strength.
He knocked on the door. Sam opened it and came out. "It's Cas." he said. He gave Cas an encouraging smile and then left.
"Come in here." said Dean.
Cas obeyed.
"If you're here to tell me you're not gonna stay tonight ... "
"I'm not." said Cas.
"Good." said Dean, "Then sit down."
Cas sat on the foot of the bed. He wasn't sure what to say.
"What's on your mind?" said Dean.
"Too many things." said Cas. He didn't want to anger Dean, or to lay more burdens on him. Very carefully, he said, "I feel uncertain."
Dean's expression softened. "That's actually a good thing. That means you're still thinking about this."
"I'm still sure that I need to abandon my relationship with Jules. I'm just not sure that I can. I should be resigned to the loss, instead, my mind keeps showing me stupid fantasies of being with her."
"Anything good?" said Dean, then he looked ashamed. "Sorry. Inappropriate."
"Not those kinds of fantasies." said Cas, "Just being with her and Jack, having a normal life, like everyone else gets to have. I know you and Sam don't get to have one either. I know angels are not supposed to have one."
"Forget all that." said Dean, "Forget who should and shouldn't get a life, because some people who were never supposed to have one earn the right."
"Well, whether I deserve one or not, it's not an option."
"Except you're not sure of that, hence the uncertainty." said Dean.
"To agree to spend another night with her was folly. It can only make things harder for both of us."
"Then why did you agree?"
"She's asked almost nothing of me. You yourself said it was not an unreasonable request."
"It's not."
"Under the circumstances, I could hardly say no."
Dean looked at him, silently urging him to say more. He had the uncomfortable feeling that Dean knew his unspoken thought but then, that understanding was why he always came to Dean for advice.
"I didn't want to say no." he said.
"No, you didn't." said Dean, "One more night. Which of us wouldn't go for that, whatever the consequences?"
"So you agree, the consequences will be bad?"
"In this situation, bad is a relative term."
"Do you think agreeing to tonight was a stupid thing to do?"
"No, I think breaking up with Jules was the stupid thing."
"Do you think I'll be able to walk away tomorrow if I stay with her tonight?"
Dean sighed. "Sadly, I do. I think, if you still think it's necessary or right or best for her or whatever other reason you've invented for it, you'll be able to do it, because you're strong and you're stubborn and you do what you think is right even if nobody else agrees and you wouldn't hesitate to destroy your own life from the ground up if you felt in some way that you should."
Cas was confused. It sounded like praise and criticism all bundled together and Dean sounded sad and irritated and pessimistic, even as he said that it might all be fine.
"So, you think I can do this?" he said, seeking clarification.
"Yes, I know you can do this." said Dean.
"Thanks. That helps a lot."
"Will you do something for me?"
"Anything." said Cas.
"Just allow the idea in your head that maybe, this is still a choice. I know you think it isn't, but I also know those fantasies in your head mean that some part of you still believes in you and Jules. All I ask is that you give that part of your mind due consideration. Do you understand?"
He did. Dean was passionately, even fanatically opposed to the separation. He hated everything about it and he wanted to stop it in any way he could. Yet, he was respecting Castiel's right to make the decision and all he asked was that Castiel confess to himself that there was still a decision to be made. His natural impulse would have been to argue and demand and even bully Cas into submission, but he was putting all that aside and just asking him to be sure that the separation had to happen before he made it permanent.
"I understand." he said, "Thankyou for always being honest with me, for always helping me to think clearly."
"You're welcome. Now, go enjoy what could be your last night with her and be honest with her and be honest with yourself."
"And if, tomorrow, the situation remains the same?" said Cas.
"Then we all know that we did all we could to give your relationship a chance."
"You won't be angry with me?"
"I'll be disappointed that we couldn't find another way, but Cas, I care about this because I care about you. You and Jules are my family and to see you hurt ... to see you hurting each other ... "
"I know. I never wanted to hurt her. For the rest of my life ... forever, I will regret that I did."
"I didn't mean to pile on the guilt." said Dean, "I know she doesn't blame you at all."
"Almost makes you think she deserves better than me, doesn't it?" said Cas hopefully.
"No, it makes me think she deserves nothing less than you." said Dean.
Cas stood. "I should go now. She's probably waiting for me."
Dean stood too. "Every time we ever made a plan, it failed and we had to amend it on the fly and every time that happened, we found another way."
"You think I'll fail."
"I think the current plan sucks ass, but I believe in you and your ability to adapt to circumstances."
"Angels don't really do that." said Cas.
"Did I say angels?" said Dean, "I don't believe squat about the angels. Angels are dicks. I said I believe in you. I believe, one hundred percent, in Castiel. You should too. The dude is something else."
"I blame the Winchesters." said Cas with a smile.
"Always a safe bet." said Dean. He straightened the collar of Cas's coat. "Just for tonight, an open mind, okay?"
Cas nodded.
"And don't try to convince her you never loved her, or don't now, because you suck at lying and those lies will only hurt you both."
"I know."
Dean's hand rested for a moment on his shoulder. "Whatever happens, good or bad, you come talk to me tomorrow, okay?"
"What if I ... "
"Whatever happens, even if you think I'll think it's the worst mistake of your life. Look, I'm not without my share of stupid mistakes. Yet here you are, still my friend. Here I am, still yours."