After thinking on the matter, I've realized there is a more even (two words: toon force) and thematically sensical fight. I apologize to those expecting Donkey Kong vs. Ed. In its place, I hope this match is more enjoyable.
Zivon: Cartoon Network. A place where childhoods were made or, in DAM's case, irreparably warping them for life. And, in both cases, it came down to the idiot.
DAM: And those idiots are Ed, the lovable lump of the Cul-de-Sac, and Billy, the best friend of the Grim Reaper.
Hazzamo: He's DAM, that's Zivon, and I'm Hazzamo and we're here to look at their weapons, armor, and abilities to decide who would win a Death Battle.
Zivon: There's three keys to any successful operation. The brains, the schemer, and the muscle.
DAM: So which one is Hazzamo?
Hazzamo: Your wrangler.
Zivon: And in a group of boys in Peach Creek, the rolls are well-filled. Eddy is the schemer, Edd, or Double D, the brains, and the muscle is filled by Ed.
DAM: This lovable lump provides the group with much needed brawn to accomplish some of the more challenging goals and objectives of the group. Not to mention his ridiculous durability.
Hazzamo: Having met his friends in the pursuit to scam Double D, the boys stuck together and stood out amongst the children of the Cul-de-Sac, for more than just their names being shared. This doesn't allow us to neglect the fact that this was a scam involving Ed eating an entire TV in one bite, accidentally taking Eddy in as well.
Zivon: Ed certainly is the muscle of the Eds. He has uprooted and carried trees and even entire houses over his head as if they were nothing, or holding sections of concrete sidewalks aloft like a lunch tray. Or how he can sum gut bump a sidewalk to roll it up like a tape measure.
DAM: Much like me, he doesn't realize his own strength.
Hazzamo: Until you get to the front of the line in a ride with a height requirement.
DAM: Blow me. But Ed truly doesn't know his own strength. Seriously, he's just too dumb to realize what he's capable of.
Hazzamo: While he may lack brains, he certainly makes up for it in loyalty. Ed constantly goes along with Double D and, especially, Eddy's plans without any reservations. His loyalty also extends just as much to his baby sister, Sarah, who utterly terrifies him, and his parents, who also terrify him.
DAM: That seems healthy.
Zivon: Throughout his run with the Eds, Ed, by God, this is going to get confusing, has proven himself an immensely loyal and caring friend. Despite his love for jawbreakers, which were free that day only, Ed saved Double D from a stampede of chickens...which Ed had jumped into in the first place...because he loves chickens.
DAM: And, despite being, well, an idiot, Ed has even been trusted to run his own scam. The Curse of Evil Tim, having Eddy and Double D do the dirty work that resulted in Eddy being beaten and Double D, the weakest of the three, doing the heavy lifting. And, in typical Ed fashion, it somehow worked. Seriously, look into this, he had to chew apart a stuffed bunny as the final step in a series of ridiculous stunts.
Hazzamo: And Ed is not just a walking defiance of the natural laws but he also takes a few tools along with him. Mind you, these aren't all purposely tools for battle but accidental so. Ed's green jacket is essentially a magic satchel, able to house a refrigerator, coat hangers perfectly in the sleeves without edges showing, cheese so putrid it can kill an entire stream full of fish, an equally putrid fish skeleton, grappling gun, a monster toy he made that doubles as a flamethrower, turkey basters to spray high-pressure water blasts, and a flute that can lure animals along. Even his tongue is a tool that can double as everything from a lasso to a zip line handle.
Zivon: And Ed also has some alter-egos. After being warped by a monster movie marathon, he dressed up as and became Lothar the Barbarian, who uses a flipper or spatula as his trusty weapon, alongside other objects, to pummel those he hallucinated as actual monsters on Halloween. As Edzilla, after dressing up as a monster for a scam, he truly believes he is a monster and begins to attack the children of the Cul-de-Sac, sticking them to a wall with chewed up Chunky Puffs cereal. And, finally, when Ed was angered by a pebble in his shoe, he was sunk into a massive bad mood. And, as cliché as it is, you wouldn't like Ed when he's angry.
DAM: And, even when he's not mad, Ed is a blissfully unaware of weakling concepts of pain and grievous bodily harm. He's got some limits to what his body can handle, for example, when his feet were crushed by a sidewalk section, weighing around 400 pounds, his feet were fully fine after a commercial break. Yet, despite this, he's a lot tougher than you think. Thanks, in no small part, to tune force.
Hazzamo: Ah, yes, toon force, that attribute of certain universes that allows the characters in them to do the absolutely impossible. Look no further than "One + One = Ed."
Zivon: Ed has truly done everything from the impossible to the unthinkable. He's survived atmospheric re-entry, destroyed the fabric of reality on at least two occasions, was relatively unfazed from being flattened by a steamroller, displaced the moon by hanging on it, and has regularly lifted houses, even as a toddler, among various heavy objects. And, lest we forget, defeating his sister, Sarah, Eddy's brother, and the League of Extraordinary Villains, including destroying their Deathstare planet buster.
DAM: In terms of the moon, it took all three Eds to displace it off its axis and it is significantly smaller than the actual moon. While this is largely due to a crescent moon somehow missing part of it, the moon itself is approximately 1.4 billion tons if it follows the same composition of our moon and its dimensions are the same on both sides. And, let's say the force of all three falling was equal, the force to move a planetary body is 1% of its mass. Plugging all that in, he had amassed a force of 4.3 megatons of force. That's over 300 times the force of the bomb dropped on Hiroshima. That is fucking insane.
Hazzamo: Ed may be an absolute unit but he's a unit lacking any mental skills.
DAM: Oh, come on, he won that spelling bee!
Hazzamo: While true, Ed is the brawn for a reason in nearly every case. He's dumb enough to continually use his body as a tool or weapon even if it injures him, be duped numerous times, and not understand basic phrases.
Zivon: He also, as we mentioned, has a deep fear of his family, in addition to the Kanker sisters, spiders, and soap. Additionally, he's severely allergic to eels, rabbits, and butterscotch.
DAM: Finally, despite all he's been through, he still experiences pain and was completely at the mercy of people like Eddy when he took his unibrow. Add to that that if whatever is making him angry, he believes his work as Lothar is done, or his Edzilla mask is removed, he returns to relative normalcy. But, let's be honest, you better hope those things go your way if you tangle with the man called Ed.
"I smell like fresh cut spring flowers, spewing across a babbling brook with a hint of lemon."
Ed:
Age: 12
Height: 5'9"
Likes: Chickens, Butter Toast, Jawbreakers, and Gravy
Weapons and Abilities:
Flipper
Trees, houses, wheelbarrows, anything he can lift
Canadian Squirt Guns
Baron o' Beef Tip
-flamethrower
Tongue
Jacket
-grappling hook
-fridge
-coat hanger
Sheldon Jr.
Angus
Flute
Alter-Egos
-Ed-Zilla
-Lothar
-Angry Ed
-Sumo Ed
Superhuman Strength, Endurance, Speed, Digestive System, and Durability
Healing Factor
Toon Force
Feats:
Broke reality twice
Displaced the moon by losing his balance
Survived atmospheric re-entry, being flattened, having his face ripped off, and his head burned to a crisp
Lifted entire houses when he was a child
Defeated the League of Extraordinary Villains, Eddy's Brother, Sarah, and Rolf
Bested Double D in a spelling bee
Weaknesses:
Immense stupidity
Cowardice
Alter-Egos can all be stopped rather easily
Can still feel pain
Zivon: In the city of Endsville, things never seem to go right. Not only does Death literally reside among them but it has an absurdly high concentration of, let's say, unique individuals.
DAM: And they don't get any more unique than Billy. This kid is as dumb as they come, with an IQ of -5, he initially appeared to be off to a hot start.
Hazzamo: When Billy was born, his father, Harold, was convinced he was a genius, misunderstanding his farts and burps for him smiling, speaking, and walking at such a young age. Despite the dismissal of his wife, Gladys, Harold entered Billy in competitions that amounted to infants seeing who could crawl after a rattle first. And, every single time, Billy was able to use his, uh, flatulence to literally propel him to victory.
Zivon: So successful was he that, as a toothless infant, he was given an honorary diploma of genius. And, upon meeting Mandy, Billy had met his friend for life, despite insulting her and slamming ice cream into her face. Whether it was because of his intellect, as his idiot father claims, or his usefulness as a loyal idiot, we may never know.
DAM: It's because he's a moron. But, it was through knowing him that one of his pets led them to destiny.
Hazzamo: That pet was Mr. Snuggles, an incredibly old hamster, that Grim came to reap the soul of. But, rather than let a genuine opportunity like this slip by, Mandy bet Grim the hamster's soul over a game of limbo. If Grim won, he could take the hamster's soul. But, if he lost, he'd be their best friend forever.
DAM: Everyone's got their Kryptonite. The devil got outsmarted by a hillbilly and death got beaten by a pair of kids with an aggressive, ancient hamster.
Zivon: Despite his docile and mostly harmless nature, Billy has been pushed beyond his limits. Once he stole Mandy's raw nerve to become more fearless and assertive like her, bossing Grim around and bullying Sperg. Or, while Grim and Mandy tried to fix his eyes, he hallucinates them laughing and goes on a tooth-clicking rampage.
DAM: While just a child, he's ridiculously tough and he heals ridiculously fast, regenerating his nose in a few seconds once. Not to mention an expert of functioning with a debatabley existent brain, distractions, and translating.
Zivon: The more I look at these characters, the more sense it makes as to why you are the way you are.
Hazzamo: It'd be eye-opening if it wasn't so disturbing.
DAM: I can only assume you really do care. In which case, weirdos. And Billy is not without his own forms. As the Green Squeaker, he can fly across galaxies in mere seconds, gains superhuman strength and the ability to cover the surface of a planet in strawberry yogurt that comes out of his armpits.
Hazzamo: Or his ability to turn into a werewolf, a saiyan, a kaiju, or the Grim Reaper himself.
Zivon: All of this from a 9 year old. Yeah, let that sink in. The toon force is no laughing matter. And, when it comes to tools, he's got his snot as adhesive, Grim's very scythe, Thor's hammer, and Eris' apple of discord.
DAM: Trust me, consistency is rarely a hallmark of this show. Hell, one episode, the school was set on top of a desert mountain. What is the hallmark of this show is the ridiculous shit this kid pulls off. He's had his spine exposed and face ripped off by Fluffy Cat, covered an entire planet with yogurt, overthrew Thor and Odin as the rulers of Asgard and won Valhalla, defeated the Earth and Martian Grim Reapers, survived atmospheric reentry, and destroyed the Martian Grim Reapers mind control machine with his own thoughts. Even his being intelligent has changed the fabric of reality, directly contributed to another by forcing Mandy to smile, and, in one episode, he is the ancestor of all mankind.
Hazzamo: As impressive as Billy is, he's a complete and utter moron. A great demonstration of this is from Jack O'Lantern, who not only took Billy's scythe but threatened to decapitate Grim and Billy just accepted this for a time and abandoned him.
Zivon: Not to mention he's a massive coward, particularly of three things: mailmen, spiders, and clowns. Additionally, despite how durable he is, he still can feel pain. Plus, he's been defeated numerous times, even as a saiyan or a kaiju, and being disarmed of the scythe numerous times.
DAM: And, finally, Billy may be incredibly durable, he has been put down before, like when Thor just fell on him. But, even for as big an idiot as he is, making him angry may be the worst decision you could make.
"This calls for a celebration," Billy declares, appearing on stage as he sings, "Better than candy you're so dandy, buttercup dancer, I. LOVE. YOU!"
Billy:
Age: 9
IQ: -5
May be the Biblical Adam
Weapons and Abilities:
Grim's Scythe
Eris' Apple of Discord
Thor's Hammer
Adhesive Snot
Superhuman Durability and Pain Tolerance
Immune to Zombies
Alter-Egos
-Grim Reaper
-Green Squeaker
-Flight, Superhuman Strength, Infinite Armpit Yogurt
-Werewolf
-Saiyan
-Kaiju
Regenerative Healing Factor
Toon Force
Feats:
Ruled Asgard after winning Valhalla
Survived his face being ripped off, being reduced to a head, and atmospheric re-entry
Broke the fabric of reality twice
Became a scientist for the Underfist team
Led the Kids Next Door Sector V
Defeated Eris, Martian Grim Reaper, Grim, Thor, and Odin
Weaknesses:
Immense stupidity
Cowardice
Lack of strength and endurance
Inconsistent control of toon force
Zivon: Alright, these combatants are set, let's settle this debate, once and for all.
Hazzamo: They are Ed, the Monobrow, and Billy, the Idiot Boy.
DAM: It's time for a Death Battle!
The Cul-de-Sac sits quietly, the children hidden inside on a lazy afternoon. The motionless peace is broken by the Eds patrolling the sidewalks, Eddy grimacing with his hands in his pockets as he lamented, "Stupid COVID! Nobody's outside anymore. How are we supposed to pull off a scam?!"
"Well, we're supposed to do what we can to stop the spread, Eddy. I dare say we shouldn't be outside without a mask, should our parents see us." Double D nervously replied, his head swiveling around to see any parted curtains from the houses around them.
"Spread, schmead," Eddy mocked, the group turning and heading down an alley off the street, "we can think of a door-to-door plan. Right, Ed?"
The question was met with only silence. "Ed?" Eddy repeated.
Eddy and Double D turned to find Ed back at the precipice of an offshoot of the alleyway, facing a construction site. "Ed? Earth to lumpy." Eddy called, he and Double D standing beside and starting at their transfixed cohort.
Ed looked dumbfounded, staring off into the work area with a stone face. "Ed? Are you alright?" Double D worried, waving a hand in front of his face.
As soon as he did, Ed lept off his feat, floating in the air as he shrieked with joy, "Jawbreaker!"
On the street running parallel to the Eds, a motley crew of a blonde girl, Death, and big-nosed boy in a red hat strolled down the sidewalk, the girl demanding, "Grim, are we there yet?"
"Have some patience, child, we just have to head down tis alleyway and the poor soul should be there." the Jamaican skeleton reassured.
Billy suddenly froze, his face appearing to radiate shock or agony. "What now, you idiot?" Mandy inquired.
"I tink it's from that trash he ate last night, we better clear off this block or we may be getting a fresh brown coat, Mandy."
Billy's head retched back, his grotesquely large nostrils expanding and contracting at differing times as he rapidly sniffed the air. He sprung off the ground with his arms spread, bearing his teeth as he screamed, "Chicken ball!"
In a puff of air, he sprinted to the alley and skidded to a stop at the opposite opening of the construction site. His eyes narrowed as he scanned the site, shooting open wide as they settled upon the gelatinous orb, nearly hidden amongst the wooden frames of the house. "Come to papa!" Billy shouted as he rushed at the ball with outstretched hands.
On the other side of the house, Ed leaned back as he sprinted to the house, laughing the entire way. The two lept through the glassless windows and onto the chicken ball with open maws. Their jaws expanded to accommodate the girth of the meal, their lips no more than an inch apart. The two growled like dogs at one another, Ed rising onto his hands and knees and tugging the ball his direction. Billy reciprocoated and kick started an animalistic game of tug-of-war. Their companions approached the house as a burst of light erupted from within, covering their eyes and missing the structure's collapse. The Ed's looked on at Mandy and Grim beyond, Double D's pupils dilating with fear as Eddy leaned in, cupping his whispering lips with the back of one hand and pointing with the other, "It's a little early for Halloween, isn't it, sockhead?"
"Hey, you two bozos seen our idiot? Striped shirt, red hat, big nose." Mandy asked.
"We could ask you the same thing, toots." Eddy responded.
Mandy glowered at them before the rubble began to rumble. Another bright explosiong threw them all back into the wooden fence surrounding them. The rubble cleared, it revealed the two standing before one another. Billy's hair had taken on the appearance of fire, while Ed was completely unclothed, save for his underwear wrapped in his coat as if it were a mawashi. The two glared at one another for a time, Billy breaking the silence, "It appears you are the one Grim has brought us to reap."
"Not if my name is Ed," Ed rebuffed, dropping down onto his knuckles, "And it is."
Yooooooo.
FIGHT!
Ed flung himself gut-first into Billy, hurling him back towards Mandy and Grim before he righted himself. "Grim, what's going on?" Mandy asked.
"Well, that big guy was the one we're after but, hey, let's see how this goes." Grim cheered, putting his hands behind his head and relaxing back.
"Grim, come on, don't you think we should..." Mandy began, interrupted by Grim munching on a fistful of popcorn, "Eh, share some of the snacks, bonehead."
Billy flew at Ed with a fist cocked, unleashing it on Ed with a throat-shredding screech. Just as they came in reach, Ed extended his palm and caught Billy's punch, a clap of thunder resonating out. "You are strong, young manatee."
Billy responded by smiling and letting out an equally thunderous belch, Ed releasing Billy's hand to hold his ears. In an instant, Ed was folded over himself as Billy shot his palm into his stomach, grasping the loop of his coat to keep him from flying back. "Bring it on, baby cakes."
Billy lept high into the air and rose Ed up high, throwing him to the ground and spiking him back first into the dirt, the Ed leaving an outline in the dirt he had sunken deep into. "Now prepare for death!" Billy shrieked, hurling himself down at Ed with a fist.
As he was about to sink into the hole to strike Ed, the lump shot up to meet him with the top of his head to his nose, knocking Billy back into the air. Ed landed back next to the hole his body created, hunkering down onto his knuckles once more as he readied for a plummeting Billy. Ed shouted, "Hoy!" as he rammed his skull into Billy's chest.
The boy flew right over the heads of a ducking Grim and Mandy, smashing through the wooden fence. "Okay, Grim, help him out."
"Aw," Grim whined, "do I have to?"
"Now, Grim!"
Grim sighed as he raised his scythe like a rifle and aimed it over the broken fence, firing a beam of magic. The ground began to rock and tremble rhythmically, Billy's laugh deeper and louder than ever as he stepped over the fence in a ridiculous white suit. Ed merely narrowed his glare at the giant idiot, Double D pleading, "Eddy, we have to do something! Ed's in serious danger."
"What are we supposed to do, look at that? Besides, have a little faith, or I'll tell Ed you didn't think he had it in him."
The sounds of a whining dog came as Double D relented, "You better hope he doesn't get hurt."
Eddy jammed a fistful of popcorn into Double D's mouth as he ordered, "Put a sock in it, sockhead."
Ed once again dropped to his sumo position, Billy striking a ballerina pose as Ed launched himself at Billy with another gut attack. Ed stuck to Billy's chest and slowly skidded down it, the squeal of the motion like that of glass. Billy slowly brought a fist beside Ed and flicked him off. Before Ed could rocket off, he seized Ed by the leg and began to repeatedly slam him into the ground like a hammer, Ed repeating "Hi, mom," in an oblivious tone with every smash.
Billy brought a bruised and cut Ed before him, poking his finger into his head like a speed bag and rocking a still-smiling Ed around. "Get him, Billy! Make my job easier," Grim cheered, turning his attention to Mandy, "I hear the kid he's pounding is a real headache."
"Whatever helps you sleep at night, Grim." Mandy dismissed.
Double D pulled his hat down over his eyes as Eddy looked on with amusement, shouting, "Come on, Ed, show him how we do it at Peach Creek!"
"Gravy," was Ed's blissful response as he opened his jaws wide and clamped down on Billy's finger. The boy idiot screamed in pain, repeatedly shouting, "Get him off!"
Billy wildly flung his hand around to rid himself of Ed, the lump unceasing in his vice grip. In his wild meandering as he tried to free himself of Ed, Billy's heal caught the roller of a steamroller and he teetered back, crashing down with Ed finally being thrown off. A moaning Billy opened his eyes, waiting for the dust to depart before he found Ed, somehow fully clothed again, plummeting down at him with the steamroller overhead. "Prepare to meet your maker!"
Billy let out a terrified shriek as Ed rammed the vehicle into Billy's flapping maw, pinning him their as a flailing, gagging mess. Unsatisfied, Ed ran out of the construction site beside the Eds, Eddy looking down the alley and demanding, "Hey, where are you going!? Finish him!"
"Well, this is awkward." Mandy mused.
"Should we help him?" Grim wondered.
"No because he won't learn anything if we do."
With that, a house several feet of the ground entered the construction site, Ed casually sprinting in under it before leaping up before Billy and slamming in down onto the giant boy. Ed and Billy were consumed in the house slam, neither of their companions moving to check on the situation, either from apathy or worry. The rubble rose as Billy sat up, his nose slashed in several places and costume missing numerous patches. His head teetered around as stars circled his skull, his teeth discolored and crooked. He began making a goat-like noise before stammering, "Daaaaaaah. Why, yes, I'd like more cheese, Ms. Butterbean. Why are you locking the door?"
With that, Billy began to shrink down to his normal size and clothes. Amidst the rubble, a ringing noise emanated from a serpentine path making its way to Billy. A shadow as cast of a dazed Billy as he turned to face it, his head clearing as he screamed in terror, his hat flying off his head before plopping back down. A gray, alien-like creature with a large head and multiple tentacles roared at Billy. "Agghhhhh, somebody help me." cried Billy.
Ed-Zilla clamped his jaws over Billy's head, rising up and thrashing Billy about like a ragdoll. Ed lowered his head before throwing it up, swallowing Billy up to his midsection, his legs flailing before Ed's lips. In one more gulp, Ed swallowed Billy before slinking back into the rubble. Ed emerged from the other side and reared his head back, throwing it forward and spewing forth a half-digested deluge of yellow cereal. The concoction plastered against the fence, revealing Billy glued to it amongst the mess. "Whoa, it's like a digestive tract ride! Do it again!"
Ed responded teetering back and launching himself at Billy with open jaws. A fart sounded as a pink, strawberry-filled stream of yogurt shot into Ed's mouth, launching him back into the ruins of the home. Billy, now in a green suit and immensely muscular, let loose a high-pitched giggle, strolling forward with a squeak in every step. Ed once more launched himself at Billy, the squeaker catching him by the throat before him but doing nothing to stop Ed from snapping his jaws before his face. Still blissfully smiling, Billy brought his hand back and slapped Ed senseless, the alien limp in his hand. Billy, stiff as a board and still smiling, robotically brought his fist down and uppercut Ed in the chin, rocketing him into the air. Billy tilted his shoulders and flexed with a mighty laugh, streams of yogurt coming from both armpits. The one aimed towards the sky struck Ed in the abdomen, lifting him high into the atmosphere. Billy let off just to squat down and rocket up into the sky with another throaty, high-pitched laughing fit. "Double D," Eddy said in a panic, catching Edd's attention to look at the ring leader leaning in from the alley, "Hold my spot, will ya? I gotta get the kids in here to pay to watch this! We'll be filthy rich I tell ya."
As Ed entered lower orbit, he was met with a waiting Billy palming the back of his skull in his outstretched hand. Billy flew back to Earth with Ed before him, flame engulfing the two and blinding those in the area that it drew near. The two slammed back into Earth, blowing the fencing, rubble, and nearby homes away, Mandy, Grim, and Double D bracing themselves from the blast as they stood their ground. The trio stared in awe at the smoking crash before them, slowly dissipating but the dust was once more stirred as lightning struck down on them. Once it cleared, it revealed a miraculously unharmed pair of combatants locked in a test of strength. Billy, in a horned helmet, wielded an oversized hammer as Ed, wearing a similar helmet made from half a football and a burlap sack as a shirt, crossed weapons with a spatula. "None shall defeat Lothar the Barbarian, evildoer!"
Billy loosed another self-satisfied belch before ripping his hammer back, Ed teetering forward off balance as Billy readied his hammer over his shoulder. The king of Asgard unleashed a baseball swing into Lothar's gut, rocketing the barbarian out of their crater. Ed skidded across the road and into the playground, tumbling onto the merry-go-round and making it slowly spin. As Ed slowly regained his bearings, he found Billy descending down on him with his hammer raised and hateful look on his face, tongue flapping against his cheek. Ed braced his flipper before him and crossed handles, stopping Billy in his tracks. Taking advantage of the pause, Ed put his foot in Billy's gut and flipped him over himself. Billy crashed onto the ground, his spinning hammer hammer crashing onto the viking's face and pushed his nose out the back of his head.
Ed rolled to the opposite side of the merry-go-round and booked his fingers under it, swinging the ride up into the air like a flipped coin. The merry-go-round slammed flat onto Billy and pancaked him into the ground. A howl sounded before the ear-splitting screech of metal being dug through. Finally, a freed Billy lunged up, his appearance masked in hair and taking on a grotesquely canine appearance. Ed rushed at the howling beast with an uprooted tree overhead, roaring, "Crush the monster!"
Ed slammed the tree over Billy and snapped it over head head, the beast responding by pushing Ed back with his heels digging into the dirt. Unable to stop him, Ed was crushed into the slide, stars radiating out from the pained barbarian. Billy pulled himself up onto the trunk and charged at the helpless barbarian, tearing into him with his claws and sending bits of Ed's costume in all directions. Billy, Mandy, and Double D happened upon the scene, Double D's eyes welling up as he watched on helplessly. "Keep it going, Billy! He'll be ours in no time!" Grim cheered.
Doubled over and panting, the hair covering Billy falling off in an instant and revealing his natural form beneath. Before him, Ed lie in a daze, missing a front tooth and one eye black, his exposed flesh covered in cuts. "That's it," Billy solemnly declared, raising a hand above him, "Let's finish this!"
Grim's scythe began to tremble before flying from him, taking his hands with it. "Hey, I was using those, you little twerp!"
The scythe flew into Billy's hand, the idiot rising with a sadistic laugh to reveal he was in a cloak similar to Grim's. Billy brought the scythe back and swung it at Edd, slicing the slide in two and sending the upper half toppling back. Ed's head was missing from his shoulders, Billy repeatedly shooting the scythe into the air and crying, "Whozalakawasolaba."
Suddenly, Ed's head shout up from the stump of his neck, having retracted it. "No," Billy remarked, "That's unpossible!"
At that moment, a unibrow landed on Billy's forehead, masking his eyebrows and drawing his attention for a moment. He managed to utter, "Uh-oh," before the trembling of the tree beneath him brought his attention back to Ed.
Ed was staring at him with pure malice, his body shaking with rage. The lump let loose a dinosaur-like cry as he threw up his arms completely shattering the tree and launching Billy back. Billy crashed to Earth and his scythe slammed into the ground before his face, the reflection revealing a browless Ed to himself and only infuriated him more. Billy attempted to crawl away, screaming, "Help, help! He's got a murderous rage in his eyes! Help, I beg of you!"
"Well, Grim, should we?" Mandy asked with a cocked eyebrow.
"Heck no, he done took me hands! Like you said, he won't learn if we do."
"Good enough for me." Mandy relented.
Ed stomped towards Billy, scythe in-hand. Billy rolled over and found Ed grimacing at him with the scythe raised high overhead. Billy raised his hands to defend himself and screamed, Ed slamming it down.
S-s-s-subuluwa!
The blade sunk into Billy's chest all the way up the the back handle. Billy's air left his lungs at the same time as Mandy, shock covering her face as Grim checked his watch with a smile, his voice radiating joy, "Oh, happy day! Billy's soul is mine!"
Billy trembled and struggled to breathe, Ed standing to his side and still radiating hatred. Without a word, Ed seized Billy by the nose and brought his mouth to his nostrils, blowing into them. Billy's nose began to expand and, after another breath, his head began to as well. Billy's fingers dug into the dirt as his head was swelled up by yet another blow. With one more might inhale, Ed unleashed another lungful into Billy's nose, his head finally bursting like a gory balloon. Ed loomed over the the body for a time, only to feel a familiar fuzziness on his brow. His unibrow had landed where it was before, curing Ed of his bad mood and bringing his same, oafish smile back to his face. "Big Ed is happy again!"
"Ed, you did it!" Double D cheered.
"ED," Eddy cried in frustration, the lump in his underwear and Double D turning to find a seething Eddy, "Why couldn't you wait for the kids?! Now we'll never get jawbreakers."
"Eddy, Ed was nearly killed and this is how you react?! Worrying about money!"
"It's okay, Double D," Ed reassured, "what's all well is usually good water."
"Wait until I get my hands on you!" Eddy shouted, charging at a laughing Ed and terrified Double D.
"Run, Double D, he's going to tag you!"
"Well, should we go after him, Grim?" Mandy asked.
"Are you kidding? He finally rid me of that idiot! Now I just need to deal with...nevermind." Grim corrected, his joy quickly turning to dread.
"Well," Mandy began, looking at Billy's body for a while before saying, "let's go see what's on TV."
K.O.!
DAM: Yay, do it again.
Zivon: This was a very close fight but the devil was in the details. They've done immensely similar things, including surviving re-entering Earth's atmosphere and breaking reality, but Ed has several distinct advantages. For starters, his physical strength is easily on-par with the Green Squeaker and base level Billy wouldn't stand a chance. Plus, the only thing making this a close is us giving Billy abilities Grim would have to give him. Sure, becoming the Grim Reaper would make him invincible, but he'd have to hold onto the ability for nearly a day for it to work. So, in terms of alter-egos, its a wash, as Ed has defeated giant robots far more dangerous than a kaiju Billy, while Billy has dodged blasts from the scythe and out lasted similar beasts to Ed-Zilla. Additionally, while the Green Squeaker can fly across galaxies in seconds, Ed's fast enough to break the time barrier just by running. But what it comes down to most is durability: who's toon force is more inconsistent?
Hazzamo: And it's obviously Billy's. At Ed's most inconsistent, he's been hospitalized. In Billy, he's died. Whether it was being crushed by Thor, his chocolate head exploding, and many more instances. Even healing is inconsistent, as he can regrow a nose in one episode but, in another, it abandons him and he has to get it back.
Zivon: Plus, we must inspect their so-called "breaking of physics." In Billy's case, he more just indirectly led to a rebooting of the universe by breaking the natural order. For Ed, he legitimately made the laws of physics, time, and logic his plaything. With that in mind, right there, Ed is easily head and shoulders above Billy.
DAM: But what about the Scythe? That would easily give Billy the fight.
Zivon: The issue is that Billy has never used it to its full potential. Even when Grim gave him that power, he couldn't reap the soul of an old man. And, without Grim's say-so in a Death Battle scenario, he'd still have the scythe but none of Grim's abilities. Even Irwin has figured out how to use the scythe's powers. Billy certainly seems to have an edge in who he's defeated but they're highly circumstantial. In Asgard, he couldn't die and continually resurrected. Again Grim, Mandy did the work. There's no asterisk to how he defeated the Martian Reaper and he merely broke Eris' mental fortitude with his idiotic routine. For Ed, no questions or asterisks can be attached to his victories. Finally, with the violent intent between the two when angered, Ed is clearly the stronger, more dangerous foe.
Hazzamo: Billy gave it his best shot but Ed was stronger, faster, and, frankly, more broken.
DAM: Looks like there'll be no more Ed-ventures for Billy.
Zivon: The winner is Ed.
Next Time on Death Battle:
Righteous Fury...
"I survived because the fire inside burned brighter than the fire around me."
Joshua Graham
Vs.
Zealous Shepherd...
"Sometimes its best to leave well enough alone."
Joseph Seed