CHAPTER 85:

Mirage

"We're almost there, your Majesty."

The voice pulled Kai out of his trance.

"Thank you," he said loud and clear for the driver to hear him from inside the cart, then the young sovereign slumped back into his seat.

He rubbed his eyes like a child, he'd almost fallen asleep, but he wasn't about to get angry at the man for interrupting his nap. He rested very little these days even while sleeping on his giant bed, wrapped in his lovers' arms.

Kai tried not to think, but something always brought him back to those thoughts.

Time would help lessen his pain, he'd been told over and over by his family; but so far, he didn't feel it did —quite the opposite.

The first weeks of living without Jay had been tough, Kai forced himself to work more hours to keep his mind occupied with businesses because any other minute was spent missing him. Now though, after two months separated from his lost love, Kai had managed to get a grip for the most part. He still worked more than usual, but his brain didn't immediately jump back to Jay when he was done.

The problem was… that the few times it happened, it played havoc with Kai's heart. He could be shopping casually or playing a board game with his spouses when the tiniest and most absurd detail reminded him of his broken heart and family, striking him by surprise. The moments of sorrow might be spare, but when they hit him, they robbed Kai of all his will to live.

The Maharaja felt a liquid running down his cheeks. Great! He was crying again!

While the cart allowed him privacy, his smudged make-up would alert his family of what he'd been doing on his way back home, and he didn't want to give them another reason to worry about him. His spouses were already dealing with their own grief.

Grabbing a handkerchief, Kai delicately rubbed the fabric against his face, aiming blindly at the place where the paint was most likely to be ruined. He couldn't help pretending to be strong —a lesson he'd had to learn very early in his life.

Minutes later, the carriage finally stopped as it pulled by the magnificent palace stairs. Servants came to greet him and after dismissing them, Kai walked into his home. His spouses and sister weren't waiting for him in the entrance hall. Not that he minded it —he'd rather they were occupied doing whatever and not sulking like him.

However, he soon bumped into Zane as he was walking down the corridors.

"Love! You're back!" The boy gave him a tender hug and a kiss on the lips.

Kai reciprocated his actions, trying to conceal the sadness that had once again overcome him on the ride back to the palace, but there was nothing anyone could hide in front of Zane.

"Are you alright, darling?"

Zane's hand caressing Kai's cheek felt so good —healing in a way.

"Just tired," Kai said, there was no point in lying to Zane, so he had to settle for telling only half of the truth.

"Did the meeting with Mr. Pythor go bad?"

"Nah, not really, but… you know how draining he is."

"I'm well aware," Zane said with a pitiful smile, his eyes then turning more serious as he scanned Kai's face with more detail. "Have you been... crying?"

Kai looked away and took a deep breath, unable to respond.

Thanks to the Gods that Zane saw straight through his soul and didn't push the issue —it was impossible the wise man couldn't figure it out on his own. The royal spouse drew Kai back into his arms for another hug, which the Maharaja appreciated.

"The guys are outside playing," Zane explained. "Why don't you go to your room, get out of these heavy garments and we take a warm bath all together? It will help you relax."

A part of Kai wanted to decline and just be alone to bury himself deeper in his misery, but the other yearned for love, affection, and care —and Zane's hand brushing through his hair promised all of that and much more. Kai responded to his husband with a weak nod.

"Good, I'll go tell Cole and Lloyd then and we'll see you in a bit."

The young ex-doctor kissed his forehead and accompanied Kai to the stairs before heading for the garden's door.

Kai sighed as he made his way to the royal bedroom.

When would this all end? When would he be able to go back to his bubbly self from months ago without any ups and downs? When would he be able to enjoy his family, and his family to enjoy him as they used to do?

The way to self-acceptance was a difficult path for a boy with his many issues. He wouldn't quit though, he'd promised his lovers he would try his best to accept these feelings instead of locking them away in the nooks of his soul. But… sometimes he faltered. It was difficult to be at peace with himself when he remembered all the things he'd done wrong with Jay.

Kai unfastened and threw his expensive coat onto the couch as soon as he stepped into his room. The outer shirt followed suit, carelessly falling onto the furniture in a wrinkled mess. Certainly, these things were heavy with all those gems and gold pieces embroidered on them, he sighed alleviated upon taking them off.

A bath will do you good, Kai told himself as he walked into the private bathroom to wash his face more properly; before he met the rest of his spouses he had to get rid of that dead face of his, at least a tiny bit.

He panted heavily as water drops glided down his face and fell into the sink, the refreshing sensation felt good against his skin, but it failed to revitalize his heart. Kai turned around and leaned his back on the marble while grabbing his forehead. He was tired of feeling like this; defeated, weak, miserable. Jay would never love him back, they would never see each other again, and that was… 'okay'. He had to convince himself it was okay.

Holding onto the doorframe, Kai stepped back into the bedroom, but he froze momentarily over the threshold.

Maybe they would never see each other again… but Kai did for sure see Jay's ghost yet.

As he'd told Cole weeks ago, there it was; the figure of the sweet boy that had stolen Kai's heart with just one look. The ginger shadow stood a few feet away from the balcony as if he'd just landed into the room like birds sometimes did when looking for a shadowy place to rest on. He looked so beautiful dressed in a sparkling blue outfit, a shawl wrapped around his shoulders, slightly covering the back of his head yet, no makeup on, or maybe just a tad bit that didn't disturb the elegance of his natural beauty —in any case, Kai didn't wish to clear that doubt.

With a quiet grunt, Kai walked himself to the vanity and dropped on the seat like a sack of potatoes. He had to take off all his accessories, another scrub around his face would be advisable too.

Piece by piece, earrings, collars, rings, and the like were returned to their respective boxes. Kai's eyes focused on his reflection for a second —and he saw Jay behind him again. He shivered and tried to ignore the bittersweet illusion.

"K-Kai…"

Fuck!

The Maharaja dropped to his elbows on the surface of the vanity, letting his head fall deeper into his arms. Why did his visions have to be so vivid?! First they followed him around everywhere, they interfered in his marriage life, and now they talked too! —and with an accuracy to the original voice that was plainly cruel.

Stop… Kai screamed in his mind, begging his thoughts to not do this to him. Every time he imagined Jay was there with him he ended up completely ruined, he wouldn't be able to come out of the room without the help of his spouses if the chimera spoke to him again.

"Kai…?"

"Stop!" He shouted, burying his crying face deeper into his arms.

The fantasy didn't say anything else, but Kai was yet too scared to raise his eyes and find him there in the reflection of the mirror.

"Please, stop, I'm begging you... Just leave me alone." He sobbed, his throat clenching and making it hard to swallow. "I can't keep living like this, it's driving me crazy… Get out of my head, please…"

"K-Kai… I…" That pretty voice that melted Kai's insides stuttered.

"Please!" The Maharaja wailed again, halting any protests. "It all hurts too much... You can't even imagine it..."

There was a long silence before 'Jay' spoke again.

"... Tell me."

"No…"

"Please, Kai..." The phantom requested with a shy mutter.

The young king was shaking, even while sitting on that bench he felt like he would crumble to the floor at any second. Why was his troubled mind so set on torturing him?

However... maybe that wasn't such a bad idea, maybe if he confronted the fantasy his brain would finally react and break free of that destructive loop he'd fallen into. He'd talked with the others about this, but… not with Jay. And even though the boy behind him wasn't the real thing but a figment of his troubled psyche, it was the closest thing to it.

With his eyes still shut, Kai straightened a little and held his head up while covering his crying face with his fingers.

"I miss your laugh," he started, voice as low as a whisper. "I wish I could hear it again and… and watch your face as you do."

On how many occasions had Kai lost track of time when Jay's dorky guffaw exploded all around him? Filling his ears with that beautiful sound. The Maharaja's heart squeezed painfully, he could still picture so clearly the way Jay's nose would scrunch up, and how his freckles would become one with the faint blush in his cheeks as he tried to control the giggles after a joke any of the guys made.

Kai's head fell forward again, the boy was losing his strength. "I wish I could hold your hand… and hug you again and…" His voice died.

"Yeah?" The illusion pressed.

Kai shook his head, curling over the table once anew.

"I wish you knew how much you meant to me," he declared.

Suddenly everything he'd felt during their last goodbye came back full force; the guilt, the agony of having Jay so close to him yet so distant mentally, the sense of duty that forbade him from 'making a scene' and confessing everything to Jay. That was one of the things that Kai regretted the most, he'd never been able to be fully sincere to that sweet boy, not even in their last moments together.

Tears streaked down the Maharaja's face. "I truly loved you, and I still do! You weren't just a whim to me..."

Would he find peace if he said it out loud? Would it really work to be honest to a delusion? Whatever the answer, Kai's lips kept moving as he cried and spew all of his self-reproach.

"If only I had done a better job at expressing myself instead of keeping you here to put up with my bullshit... I'm so sorry I brought you and your family so much pain... I never wanted that… I just..."

Kai's shoulders bobbed as the pauses between his sobs and hiccups grew more erratic. He'd really become the most stupid and uncaring king to ever rule Ninjago, worrying only about himself and what he longed for, not considering who he was hurting in the process.

You deserve this, you little piece of-

Kai flinched with a gasp. A gentle touch on his back made him shiver.

"Your feelings aren't bullshit."

Inch by inch, the Maharaja's face rose from the table and stared at his reflection. Jay's figure was right behind him, a hand placed on Kai's shoulder, softly stroking it.

The stomach of the young sovereign twitched awfully.

As if he was going through a terrible earthquake, Kai rose up on shaky legs. The boy grabbed onto the vanity to steady himself, he was shivering very badly as he stared at the 'being' next to him.

J-Jay?

No, of course not! Jay wasn't there! It was just a hallucination —a very convincing one. For Shiva's sake, even the pattern of his freckled face looked exactly the same as the original!

A small pitiful smile started to draw itself on the phantom's lips, his hand reached out shyly, but Kai was quick to squirm away from it. The false Jay looked at him surprised.

"No… No, you're not real," Kai mumbled and touched a hand to his brow. He must have fallen asleep on the vanity after all his crying, or… worse yet; he might have just started to lose his mind.

"No! Kai…" The vision took his hands and clutched them gently. "I'm here, it's really me."

"N-No…" Kai leaned onto the bed column while trying to back away, but the hold on his hands didn't disappear.

"Kai…"

Warm fingers pulled at his face, turning it forward and forcing him to observe the cruel mirage closely. Kai couldn't believe those eyes that stared back at him, two perfect cerulean gems that gleamed with special magic. His breath stopped for a moment and a distant but familiar spark went through his body.

Kai knew that sensation.

He knew those eyes.

With the tiniest of the voices, the Maharaja let out a broken whisper.

"... Jay?"

The boy in front of him nodded. Tears cascaded down his cheeks when he blinked and worried his lip with a trembling smile.

"I'm back."

Author's Note:

Confused? Don't worry, everything will be cleared soon!