Chapter 86.

The library was dark and Dean had only bothered to light the lamp on the table in front of him. The book in front of him was dull and obscure and he was too tired to take much of it in.

"It's late." said Sam, coming in and putting a beer in front of Dean, "I thought you'd gone to bed. What are you doing back here?"

"If you thought I was in bed, why the beer?" said Dean.

"It was gonna be mine."

Dean pushed it towards him. "Have it."

"No. I'm good. It's yours." said Sam, pushing it back. He turned on the lights. "I checked on Jack. He's asleep. What are you reading?"

"One of the books I found in his room. It's about the metaphysics of the universe. I mean, can't the kid just read skin mags like everybody else his age?"

"His age? Dean, he's a toddler."

"His physical age, not his chronological age." Dean waved at the book. "This is the very definition of things man was not meant to know."

"But maybe a nephilim needs to know them. We don't know what his endgame might be. We don't know what this destiny of his could entail."

"I know it freaks me out, watching him trying to work out what happens if you tamper with the building blocks of creation, because, with this kid, he might actually be able to do it."

"And one day, we may need him to. It's Jack. He has a strong sense of responsibility. He wouldn't do it without considering the consequences."

"You don't get it? That is exactly what he's doing."

"Good. Think how much easier things would have been for us if we'd thought about stuff like that before we had to make a split-second decision."

Dean took a swig of beer, savouring it before swallowing. "That's true." he said.

"Besides, curiosity is natural in someone so new to everything."

"You're right." said Dean.

"But you're still apprehensive?"

"Think of all the mistakes we made, with all of Dad's training, all of Bobby's advice and all our own experience. I think I have reason to be."

"So, it's Jack keeping you awake at night? It's him you're worrying about, not Cas?"

"I can multitask." said Dean. He smiled a little. So did Sam. "I take it you're just awake to check on Jack and not concerned at all about Cas ... or me?"

"I can multitask too." said Sam.

The lights flickered for several seconds. The bunker's warding was no affected. "Cas?" said Sam.

"That's my boy!" said Dean.

"Which means his grace is building up again."

"It means he and Jules are getting freaky." said Dean happily.

"Yeah and that could be a good sign."

"It is a good sign." said Dean.

"But could also be how they say goodbye."

Dean had been aware of that, but it still seemed unfair of Sam to bring it up. He was mildly irritated when he said, "I know. I do know that."

"Sorry. I just ... "

Dean raised a hand. "It's fine. You're right. I just wanted to focus on the first little bit of hope."

"Sorry." said Sam again.

"They're crazy about each other. I think it's gonna be a lot harder for him to walk away if he's spent the whole night getting intimate with her."

"Yes," said Sam, "I think it's reasonable to be hopeful. I'm just reluctant to assume anything. Tomorrow, we may have to see them spilt up again."

"Yeah, well, that's tomorrow's problem. I need to believe tonight."

Sam nodded and drank his beer. After a while, he said, "So, you talked to him earlier."

"I tried. I tried to make him see that there isn't just a single option here. I tried, but I don't know if any of it got through. He never listens. He's been ignoring good advice from the beginning. Angels are always so sure they know everything. He probably didn't hear a word I said."

"Another assumption you probably shouldn't make. He listens to you, Dean. Do you realise, he remembers just about every word you ever said to him?"

"And yet still, he manages to ignore them."

"No, he doesn't. All the progress he's made over the years, everything that he is now, is because of your influence. Right now, he's in this bunker because he feels safest when he's around you. Tonight, he came to find you. He didn't have to do that and I'm sure he heard every word you said."

"Then let's hope they were the right words, because I honestly didn't have a clue what to say." said Dean, "I don't know why he's doing this dumb thing, so I can't argue with his reasons and just telling him it's dumb has no effect"

"At least his grace is coming back." said Sam, "And he promised not to do that again."

"Still wants to, though, to protect you and me. Because, what's the point of having angelic powers if you can't throw them all away to make talismans to protect the friends you could have protected with your frickin' angelic powers?"

"I think he thinks ... "

"I know what he thinks. That he won't be around to protect us. You know what that means, when an immortal being sees himself as not just mortal but in imminent danger of death? It means suicide or self-sacrifice."

"Or that he just knows that a lot of more powerful beings keep turning up and killing him."

"So why no crystals before?"

"Maybe, he didn't know it was possible before."

"He's consciously and deliberately making arrangements for his own death and from what Rowena said, he was in a hurry to do it. That says to me that he knows exactly what death he's expecting and when he expects it to come."

"That's possible." Sam admitted.

"It's more than possible and you know it. And what he should do is come to us for help. He knows by now that we'll fight alongside him. He knows we can help him. Does he want to die?"

"No. I don't think so." said Sam.

"He ditched Jules for a reason. He loves her, more than I've ever loved anyone. Why would he let her go? Why is he backing away from everything and everyone he ever cared about?"

"He's not. He's as protective of Jack as ever."

"I hate this, Sam. I have a feeling that all this crazy stuff that makes no sense as pieces of the puzzle will make clear and complete sense as soon as we know what's behind it. And I feel like it's all gonna fall into place after it all plays out and we lose Cas, maybe forever."

"That's what you've been thinking about all night?" said Sam.

"I have a zero percent success rate at protecting the people I love."

"You've saved me more times than I can count."

"Yeah and how many times did you die?" said Dean.

The lights flickered again.

"Well, let's both be optimistic." said Sam, "Maybe Jules can make him see a reason to fight whatever he thinks is coming after him."

"I can't lose him again, Sam. I can't lose any of you, ever again. I can't keep getting up and going on with the fight when I lose people I love every frickin' time."

"If he plans to die, it'll be over both our dead bodies." said Sam.