Purgatory

Tap. Tap. Tap.

The rhythmic clicking of Nevermind's shoes against the waiting room's floor was maddening. The former queen herself, normally radiant and clean as shined glass, looked as though she had been through a tempest. Her clothes were wrinkled from where she had balled the fabric into clumps. Her hair was askew, straw-like with glistening edges from panicked sweat. She paced relentlessly, hands no longer plucking at her clothes but clasped behind her back.

"Hey," Koizumi said hesitantly, keeping her distance as if Nevermind might whip around and bite her, "why don't you sit down? We could be waiting for a while longer."

"I do not –" Nevermind dragged her hands down her face. "Surely, it cannot be that much longer. The world's best surgeon is in that room."

"Even basic surgeries take a few hours and this hospital isn't exactly top of the line."

Nevermind merely shook her head and began pacing a little faster.

Koizumi returned to her seat. Truth be told, her request hadn't been completely selfless and everyone but Nevermind knew it. For Nevermind's anxiety was infecting them all. The pacing only made it worse, as it seemed to stir up turmoil in the room like dust.

Soda mumbled something under his breath. One of his legs was crossed over the other, and the ball of his foot tapped against the ground. (Annoyingly, it was not in time with Nevermind's steps.) Koizumi wondered how much of it was worry for Tanaka specifically, and how much of it was general unease. Soda and Tanaka had certainly become closer since their school days, but she personally believed that most of the affection still came from Tanaka's side.

"Why don't we practice some deep breathing exercises?" Nidai suggested. The cracked vending machine he had been leaning on creaked as he straightened up.

"I am perfectly calm!" Nevermind snapped.

Nidai grunted in surrender and backed away slowly.

Their attempts at intervention only made things worse in the end. Nevermind continue to pace, the tempo of her steps increasing. There was little more to be done than sit back and bear it.

Besides, if they wanted to look at the bright side, then at least they didn't have it as bad as the hamsters. The Devas weren't used to being separated from their owner and in the few instances they had been, Nevermind had been their babysitter. This time, however, not only was their main source of comfort indisposed, but their secondary comfort was anything but comforting. The only relief they could offer the fretting hamsters were some seeds they'd scavenged from the overgrown garden outside.

As Koizumi had predicted, even Kamukura had to take this time with this procedure. It was hard to say how much time had passed, but the angle of their shadows on the wall had significantly changed by the time Ren emerged and stripped off his mask. He could only answer their questions with a shrug, as his only job had been to hand Kamukura tools as needed. (Apparently, he knew surgeon's tools quite well as he had once imitated a doctor to get access to some fancy conventions and their food.) Kamukura himself took a while longer to appear.

"Well?" Nevermind demanded with full regal force. The Devas recognized her changed mood and scrambled towards her, one going so far as to start climbing her pants.

Kamukura slowly peeled off his gloves. "He's alive, obviously."

"That's. . .! I know that. How is he?"

It was strange. When Kamukura had walked out that door, he had looked like a model. Not only had there been a suspicious lack of blood, but his hair was shiny and perfectly neat, and he had expressed that better-than-thou attitude of a model on the catwalk. He'd kept that air throughout Nevermind's first statement and also through her second but then, something shifted. Something lightened. He still wasn't friendly, but neutral was still a better attitude than haughty.

"If he follows my post-operation instructions, he has good odds of recovery," Kamukura said.

"And what are those?"

"Avoid speaking until it heals," Kamukura said dryly. "I advise you don't tell him that so he doesn't sabotage himself. You can see him now."

With a whoosh, Nevermind was past Kamukura. Three of the four hamsters made it inside the room with her. The last one, the big fat one, got there just as the door closed. He tried to squeeze under the door but couldn't quite fit, leaving his hindquarters wriggling until Kamukura sighed and opened the door for him.

Inside the room, Nevermind breathed heavily. She had stopped halfway across the room. Tanaka was still on a flat metal table, as still as the dead. . . Oh, he was unconscious. Duh! He had just been in surgery, after all.

"I assume you are wheeling him into a proper room," Kamukura said.

Nevermind leapt at this suggestion. The hamsters watched from her shoulders as she and Nidai moved Tanaka's limp body onto a gurney and wheeled him to a room. Koizumi followed them in and there, they waited for him to wake. Well, she and Nevermind did, anyways. While most of the others stuck around for a little while, they trickled out one by one, apparently having better things to do than support their friend.

When it finally happened, Tanaka woke suddenly – or he had been already awake for a couple of minutes before and had been pretending to be asleep. That would explain why all the Devas had suddenly started staring and sniffing in his direction. It was probably the latter. It must have been much more dramatic to jolt 'awake' instead of waking up like a normal person, and they all knew how melodramatic Tanaka liked to be.

Nevermind cried out, darting over and asking him if he was okay, nearly telling him not to speak before she remembered Kamukura's warning. Tanaka grunted and pushed her back, warding off her affection with general disinterest, as he had done since the days when they first met Enoshima. He patted his scarf suddenly, then sought out his hamsters, which were still sitting on a nearby nightstand. With a crooked finger, he beckoned them.

On hind legs, the biggest one waddled closer. It was holding the shell of a nut Ren had found for it earlier. Tanaka huffed and beckoned to it again.

The hamsters ignored him and spoke to each other through little twitches of their whiskers and ears. The biggest one took another couple of steps, and then lobbed the shell as hard as its tiny arms could. The shell bounced off Tanaka's forehead and onto the ground with a plink, and the hamsters were already running for the exit.

Their bodies smacked together as Tanaka lunged out of his hospital bed and was caught by Nevermind. He was hissing, trying to claw his way past Nevermind who was frantically telling him to slow down, that he had just come out of surgery. And Tanaka was thrashing more frantically and he was going to reopen his stiches at this point and –

So, Koizumi did the only thing she could.

She slapped him. Hard.

Tanaka reacted like a hamster himself; snapping in her direction, bared teeth, chest puffing out as if to fluff up imaginary fur. There was something bestial in his gaze, something that shouldn't belong to someone sane. Her breath caught.

Then Nevermind spoke again, adjusted herself so that she had a stronger grip on him, and humanity slid back over those eyes. Koizumi stumbled back, shaking knees finally giving way on the second step. Her back hit the corner of the bed's frame and she barely caught herself as Nevermind pushed Tanaka back onto the mattress. Koizumi didn't need to look; Tanaka's listlessness told her the hamsters were long gone.

"Small animals are so quick to hide when they're surprised," Nevermind was saying to him, "even ones as ferocious as the Devas. Surely, they'll return once they've gotten over the excitement."

They all knew though. They'd seen the hamster throw the seed and knew what it represented.

"I can look for them," Koizumi said. She wouldn't find them but at least she would be doing something useful.

Tanaka scoffed as if the very idea were insulting, but Nevermind said, "That would be excellent. Please, Mahiru, locate the Devas and inform us posthaste!"

She nodded and set off. Anything to get away from the weird tension starting to grow in that room.

"I assume you are wheeling him into a proper room," Kamukura said.

There wasn't much noise as Nevermind and Nidai wheeled the gurney out of the room and down the hall, just the squeak of rusted wheels. Koizumi was quick to follow her close friend, and the others followed at a slower pace a few seconds after.

"Damn. Wish I remembered we had the Ultimate Surgeon before I took a knife to my eye," Kuzuryu muttered. He tapped his eyepatch – which was fucking badass if he was allowed to say so. "Say, if I had told you to, would you have taken it out for me?"

Kamukura glanced his way. "The eye is a simpler procedure. Less work, but more boring. I may have taken your appeal into consideration."

"Would you have listened to Kuzuryu-kun's appeal?" Peko asked that with what seemed like genuine curiosity, but Kuzuryu knew her well enough to hear the sardonic edge. "Or do you mean you would have listened if his request had come from Naegi-kun's mouth?"

Tellingly, Kamukura didn't answer.

"I don't think the difference matters," Kuzuryu said. "Naegi-kun could have talked half of us into gouging out our eyes if he wanted to."

It was meant to be a joke, but it seemed like it was too soon. Peko's colour was a bit paler than usual and Kamukura . . . Well, that asshole was always frowning so who knew what he was thinking?

"Should we. . .?" Peko gestured down the hall, to where everyone but the three of them were going.

Kuzuryu shrugged. He didn't mind dropping in, but he didn't want to stay. But he had a good reason for it! Nevermind had swapped her crush on Soda for her old one on Tanaka and he didn't have the stomach for the gushiness that was destined to follow.

Even as he and Peko turned to follow, Kamukura turned the other way. Predicting their protest, Kamukura said, "I've done my part. There is no further need for my presence."

"There isn't a need for ours either," Kuzuryu pointed out. "We're going for team-building, you know?"

Although maybe he didn't. It was Kamukura. Obviously, he would know the theory, but the guy was shit when it came to practical application of that knowledge.

"I am not Ultimate Despair," Kamukura said, and the subtext was easy to interpret.

"That's part of the reason why team-building exercises exist. You gotta put a little effort in."

Next to him, Peko snapped into sentry mode. He couldn't blame her. He was being stupid pushing this and provoking a fight. It was just. . . It was hard to stop thinking about yesterday. Hard to stop remembering that slavish look on Kamukura's face as he had proclaimed his dedication to Naegi's crusade. It had been like. . . like. . .

Like how Peko used to look at him. He couldn't help it. Even though Kamukura could wrestle him to the ground with his pinky, Kuzuryu saw something in him worth pitying.

It seemed like Kamukura did think about it a little before bluntly saying, "Everyone will assume the worse if I walk in there."

Huh. Kamukura was right. Like usual. And given how tense Nevermind already was, he wasn't keen on testing whether this would be the thing to make her drop dead of a heart attack.

Kuzuryu nodded. "That makes sense. Fine, you can go and . . . Hey, just where have you been going?"

For once, one of them seemed to have stumped Kamukura as he replied, "What do you mean where have I been going?"

"Well last time I looked, your cabin was still spitting smoke," he said. "Where'd you go last night?"

Kamukura brushed his hair behind his ear in a weird imitation of Kirigiri. "There's no need to concern yourself with that."

"You know there's two empty cabins, right?" Next to him, Peko's clothes rustled. It was a silent question: what are you doing? "It's a step down from an entire fucking cabin, but it ain't that bad. You'd have to slum it with the rest of us, though. You okay with being like everyone else?"

He heard Peko's teeth grinding as she anticipated the worst. He would have liked to tell her to stand down, to lay a hand on her shoulder and wave her back, but she wasn't going to listen.

"But I'm not. . ." Kamukura trailed off. For whatever reason, he was suddenly fascinated by his own hand. He was tracing a line on his palm with rapt concentration.

"The keys are back where they're supposed to be," Kuzuryu said after it became obvious Kamukura wasn't going to finish his sentence. "Easy to grab if you want one."

Kamukura said slowly, "Perhaps this is . . . Alright. Yes, I will accept your offer."

"Makoto, can I come in?"

Komaru's voice cut through the fog in his mind. Out of instinct, he propped himself up on his elbows and croaked out a reply before he understood what was going on. It was too late to take his words back though. Komaru had taken his unenthusiastic grunt as permission and thrown open his door. She looked well. Her hair was still wet and carried the salty scent of an ocean dip. Tan lines were visible along the fringes of her collar and sleeves. Naegi raised his own arm pitifully and quietly scrutinised the difference between her glow and his ghost-like pallor.

Her smile flickered as she got closer. He couldn't tell whether it was fake, but her voice seemed strangely energetic when she asked, "How are you feeling? Did you have a good nap?"

Nap? It took a few long moments to sort through his hazy memory. Oh, right. That had been his excuse. A lie should have come easily to him, but his brain couldn't quite connect to his voice and make it work.

"You still look groggy," Komaru said. "There's still time to hang out with us. I bet you'd be less tired in the sun."

Internally, he cringed. She must have also noticed the difference between their skin tones. If Komaru emitted a healthy glow like a sun, then Naegi could only begin to imagine the sickly air he exuded.

"It's fine," he mumbled. "Go have fun. You all deserve it."

"But. . ." She was uncomfortable. Part of him was apathetic about it; another part of him savoured it. "I think everyone would have more fun if we were all together. Because then we know everyone's okay and. . ."

He laughed. "And that I'm not trying to hide a knife up my sleeve?"

"I didn't say anything like that!" She looked like she wanted to bop him in the nose, but she didn't. "They're worried about you! Did someone say something mean to you? Tell me who! I'll make them regret it!"

"I know they're worried about me," Naegi said. "I think you're the one who doesn't understand what that means."

"Of course, they're worried. You cried yourself to sleep yesterday. What kind of awful friends wouldn't be worried?"

"That's not why they're worried, Komaru!" He pushed himself up on the mattress a little further, bringing one leg under his body for support. Friends. The word bothered him. It was like someone had taken a little pin and was poking him in the back; it wasn't sharp enough to hurt, but it was annoying. "When the last time I did anything useful? When's the last time I actually lived up to my title?"

"What? Nobody cares about that!" she exclaimed.

"Are you stupid? That's what this is all about! I'm here because they needed me. Now look at me: I'm useless!"

"I. . . Makoto, this isn't about whether you're useful. They're your friends," she said in a small voice.

Friends. His jaw ached. There was that horrible word again. Like poison. He wondered how real her friends were. He wondered how much stronger her friendships had grown now that she had replaced him.

"Everything has always been about Hope since Enoshima destroyed the world," Naegi said bitterly. "Ultimate Despair, the Future Foundation. . . they all wanted the same thing. If I can't give it to them, then no one here has a reason to care about me."

"No one? Did you forget your little sister is here?"

Ugh. His sister: so innocent, so naïve. He must have been like that once. He wanted to reach out and grab her by the collar, to shake and squeeze until she shut up and listened. But that was presumptuous of him. It had been that exact kind of arrogance that had ruined him, and here he was so eager to engage in it again. He was pathetic.

"You don't need me anymore!" His voice vibrated with a jealousy he could barely hold back. "There's nothing for me to teach you. You're the Ultimate Hope now. I bet you're already better than I ever was."

"You keep mentioning that," Komaru said. "What do you even think I did? I mean Towa Monaca did say she was an Ultimate Despair, but. . . Makoto, she was like ten years old. Togami-kun never lets me forget that."

It wasn't about the age. It was . . . His sister had never been one to think logically. Despair and Hope weren't things that had a birthday and expiry date. They were fundamental forces of nature and how was he supposed to explain that to a kid?

She leaned back on his bedframe, staring off into the distance. "What happened in Towa City isn't as big a deal as you think it is. Asahina-san and Togami-kun broke me out of the apartment I was in, and then they gave me this super cool megaphone that made Monokumas explode. I blew up a bunch of them – and I blew up some really big ones – but it was completely different from what you did. I didn't inspire an entire rebellion just by talking. I didn't convince the evilest people in the world to turn their lives around. I never watched any of my friends die."

His hands shook. The last part of her speech echoed distantly, like it was being said by someone in another room. He wanted to tear his own hair out. He wanted it to hurt because he so, so badly wished it was him. The Ultimate Hope had been invincible, and it didn't matter if their backstories lined up completely – she was the closest thing they had. But he wanted it to be him. He wanted it so much. For everyone to look at him with that admiration again. To once again be so untouchable that Enoshima's words had slid off him like water. All that power, all that control in his hands. It could have been him.

"It doesn't matter," he said. "They need an Ultimate Hope to take over. It's going to be you."

"That's not going to happen. I can't –"

"I don't care how old Towa was. . ."

"Makoto, I'm not going to be an Ultimate Hope. How could I? How dp you expect me to do everything you did? They . . . they don't like me!" she shouted. "Pekoyama-san and I are kinda friends, but the rest of them wouldn't talk to me unless they have to – and I don't really want to talk to them either. I'm not like you. Don't you get it? Those Ultimate titles aren't things you can pass down. They're part of who you are and nobody else can . . . Great! Now I'm starting to sound like that Komaeda creep."

He breathed. In. Out. It was about the only thought he could muster.

"Komaru, what do you mean I can't pass it on?" he said slowly. In. Out. "What do you mean you can't be the Ultimate Hope?"

"That's what I've been trying to get to," she said. "We don't need another one."

"Have you been listening to a word I've said?" he shrieked. Now he did grab her collar. His sister didn't look the least bit alarmed at this. She just laid her hand overtop of his in case she needed to pry it off. "I'm useless! Who's going to take over if you don't?"

"Nobody needs to." Somehow a couple of her fingers wove between his stiff ones to intertwine with them.

"Yes, they do! How else is anyone supposed to beat Despair?"

"Nobody needs to because it doesn't need to be one person!" she cried. Her fingertips pressed into his flesh. "That's why we all came to this island, because it wasn't fair you had to do this all by yourself. Nobody should deal with this all alone. Especially not you."

In. Out. His ribs throbbed.

"But there has to be," he whined. "If nobody. . . Then how?"

"We do it together," she said. "Like how you and Kirigiri-san took down the mastermind together."

"Together?" he croaked. The word felt foreign to him. More like a wad of gum he was spitting out of his throat than an actual word.

She nodded. "Look, I'm not going to make you go out there, but is it okay for me to stay with you?"

He had thought he had no more tears to give, but there were no other names for what was running down his face.