Note:

Chapter Soundtrack

A Loss by Thomas Farnon

A Cure by Thomas Farnon

A by (you guessed it) Thomas Farnon

Bella should've guessed something was up when, during class, Alice started grinning like a madwoman and wouldn't stop. She had been with Esme in her office for hours after school, finalizing an upcoming delivery of appliances and furniture for the cottage which was coming along nicely (and far too quickly in Esme's opinion). After they dotted all the i's and crossed the t's (and Bella dodged yet another round of questions about college), she wandered around the house looking for Alice when...there he was; Emmett was sitting alone on the living room couch, grinning at her gobsmacked expression.

"Emmett!" Even as she squealed his name and felt the joy radiate from within her, she looked around in the hopes of seeing...

But he was very much alone. His own wide smile dimmed as he shook his head slightly. Rosalie hadn't returned with him.

Bella tamped down the disappointment she felt and ran to him nonetheless. And when she leaped into his arms and embraced him, it felt as though he carried both her own weight and the weight of what she carried. She felt lighter than she had in a long, long time.

"I missed you too, Bella Bear," smiled Emmett. "Let's take a walk, shall we?"

She would've been hard pressed to refuse him if he suggested a round of strip poker, Bella thought with a grin as she nodded and walked out the door with him. She was so damn happy to see her friend, she found herself temporarily speechless as they traversed out of and away from the house. The further they traveled however, the more the obvious absence sunk in. Emmett was back and Rosalie was not. The joy that was just then filling her like a balloon slowly seeped out as Bella's mind took her to places she was scared witless of going.

"Bells," Emmett said when the house was no longer in view. "Bells, I'm so sorry for what happened."

She nodded, looking down and before he could say anything else asked, "are you staying?"

"Yes," he said. "I'm never leaving you again."

Bella took this in, but the sincerity evident on his face wasn't enough to quiet the sarcastic voice in her head. She'd heard those words before...

They continued to walk the worn path, Bella a step behind Emmett due to her shorter stature but also because she wanted to keep him in her sights. She kept quiet, waiting for him to offer an explanation, some magic words, anything at all that would quell the turmoil inside her. Though it killed her not to ask, some part of her was convinced that it was better to keep Schrödinger's box sealed shut for fear of what she'd discover inside.

"Aren't you gonna ask about Rosalie?"

The name triggered an almost involuntary reaction of fury within her. Did it all really mean nothing to her in the end? Was Bella the only one that felt utterly at peace in the other's presence, and devastatingly lost without? Rosalie had every right to be upset in the aftermath of Bella's rejection, but it broke her heart how easy it was for the blonde to run...to stay away. She thought of the long nights filled with the cacophony of sizzling flesh, screams, and more often than not lately, the amorous soundtrack of a quick fuck. Two months apart had cost Bella a great deal.

Emmett stopped walking. "Bells..."

She quickly turned so as to avoid his gaze, but his vampire eyes didn't miss the hot tears threatening to burn down her cheeks.

"Bells," he said again. "Come here."

He was far too strong to resist without using her gifts, so she allowed the embrace even though what she really wanted to do in this very second was run as far away as she could and burn something.

"I know she hurt you. If it's any consolation these last two months haven't been a picnic for her either. I don't agree at all with how she's going about it, but she's in pain too."

Bella didn't know what to say to that. She thought she'd feel vindicated that Rosalie too was suffering but all she felt now was terrible heartache. When she didn't respond, Emmett took her hand again and resumed their walk. It was in silence, 20 minutes later, when they reached a small meadow and sat side by side at its center.

"Look I'm gonna tell you everything, ok?"

And so he did. He told her how he knew something was wrong when Rosalie didn't immediately call him after she popped her question. He was aware she was going to do it, he explained. They had talked about it on many occasions; the entire family (with the exception of Edward for obvious reasons) had talked it over and had waited for Rosalie's desire to spend forever with Bella to win over her consternation with what forever would cost. In hindsight, it was easy to see the terrible miscalculation they all made.

"Even Alice didn't see it. None of us thought you'd say no."

He found Rosalie in the Hoh rainforest after checking her other usual spots closer to Forks.

"Those were the scariest days of my life," he said quietly. "She didn't move. Didn't speak. Wouldn't even hunt."

After weeks of increasing desperation on his part, he finally picked her up and took her north to the Denalis. If anyone could snap her out of it, it would be Tanya, he correctly assumed. And little by little, his Rosalie emerged from the shell that had enshrouded her. Well, not exactly his Rosalie...for she was still besmirched by her own toxicity and nothing like her usual self.

Bella listened to his account in silence. In her mind's eye, she saw Rosalie react to her answer...saw her loving gaze turn cold...saw her flee without once turning back.

She found her voice. "She's not coming back, is she?"

Emmett smiled sadly. "I dunno, Bells. But I've never given up on her in all our time together. I hope you don't either."

And what if they weren't together anymore? Bella doubted Rosalie and Emmett had to get through as large a chasm as the one separating her and Rosalie...a chasm that was getting wider by the day...

"I don't agree with how she's going about this," he repeated. "But Bells...why did you say no?"

She looked at him incredulously. "How can you ask me that, Emmett? How is it not obvious to every single one of you?! I'm bad enough as a human, Em. This," she gesticulated at herself, "should not be in an immortal, all-powerful body. Period."

"If you're afraid of losing control, then surely Carlisle's told you that vampires have better control over their gifts than they did as humans?"

"So it'll be easier for me to blow up Australia when I feel like it," she snorted. "No thanks."

He shook his head. "I wish you didn't always assume the worst of yourself."

"And I wish you'd stop thinking I'm a saint. All of you. I'm not."

"I dunno Bells," he shrugged. "Burning rapists' balls off is pretty saintly to me."

She froze. What did he just say?

At that very moment, they ceased to be alone in the meadow. Alice and Jasper had come out of nowhere and had seated themselves within an arm's reach of Bella. She was effectively surrounded.

"Emmett, you're not supposed to encourage her!"

Emmett crossed his arms and turned to Alice. "I know, I know, so sue me. It's hard not to see the justice in what she's doing, ok?"

Alice rolled her eyes. On Bella's other side, Jasper gave a small wave.

"Sorry about this, Bella..." he said sheepishly.

"...But we need to have this conversation before things get out of control," Alice continued. She glared at Emmett and went on. "Certain opinions notwithstanding, we'd like to talk about what you've been doing with your time."

Bella looked at each of her friends and weighed her options. How much did they know? Play dumb, she told herself.

"I don't know what you're talking about," she hedged.

Alice gave her a look. "Really, dear? You're going to play this game with me?"

Bella felt what had to be a Jasper-induced wave of calmness descend over her. It's a good thing too because up until that moment she was contemplating getting the hell out of dodge.

"Relax, Bells," the boy in question said. His eyes, always kind, trained themselves on her. "This isn't an inquisition. We're just worried about you."

"Worried sick!" Alice exclaimed. "Really, Bella! What if you're caught? What if you're seen? What if someone fights back and you get hurt?"

She could see there was no point in continuing to deny anything. The knowing looks on all their faces did not hint at any self doubt. Somehow, they knew exactly what she'd been up to. Bella grew increasingly uncomfortable. This was not something she had been prepared to discuss, much less today, nor with anyone.

She decided to start with a question of her own and buy some time. "How did you know?"

Alice rummaged in her bag and handed her a folder. She opened it carefully and saw, to her horror, two printouts-a short article from the Seattle Times and a chat transcript between a db9762 and someone named iseethefuture1901. She looked up at Alice, who looked entirely too triumphant for her own good.

"We monitor the entire Pacific Northwest for unusual occurrences," Alice said. "Normally I just look for other nomads or mentions of us that could get us in trouble. Imagine my surprise when I find this..."

Bella quickly read the article and the chat transcript. It seemed iseethefuture1901 was posing as a disgruntled incel in order to wheedle out information from another disgruntled incel who had the misfortune of encountering Bella sometime in the last month in the middle of a forceful attempt to shed the label.

"Why are you doing this, Bella?" Jasper asked.

For the life of her, Bella couldn't find words to adequately answer him. What could she possibly say to them that would make any of this ok, much less get them off her back? How could she explain the near-constant anger that sizzled just beneath the surface? The rush of relief that was like a cooling salve when she released the energy inside her, especially on monsters who would take away someone else's agency? How could she explain this without seeming like the monster herself?

Emmett scoffed. "It's obvious, isn't it?"

It was? They all, Bella included, waited for him to clarify.

"She's sad and mad and misses Rosalie. Who better to take her anger out on than slimeballs like the ones who hurt Rose?"

Bella carefully schooled her reaction and wisely kept her mouth shut. Emmett's assertion was...interesting to say the least, and if they chose to believe such a heartfelt and noble reason for her behavior, she certainly wouldn't convince them otherwise.

Alice, who was clearly irked that her script wasn't moving along just as she planned it, spoke again. "Look, I get that it feels like you're doing a good thing, but that's not justice!"

"It is to the people they're hurting."

"But what if you go too far, Bells?" Emmett asked. Relieved to have him in her corner again, Alice calmed down slightly and let him continue. "Or if you hurt the wrong person? I don't think you'll ever forgive yourself if that happens again and you could've stopped it."

Jasper reached for her hand and added, "It's hard enough on us watching you blame yourself for things you couldn't control. This is different, Bella. You're making the choice to do what you're doing. If something goes awry, it'll be much worse than before because you could've stopped yourself."

And what other choices were there for someone like her? She wanted to scream at them. She wanted to pull her hair and kick a tree. Surely the grass beneath her would catch fire any minute. Surely this meadow, this whole forest would ignite under the strain inside her.

Jasper watched her sadly and tried his best to take away her pain. His best, however, had been falling far too short these last difficult months.

Bella suddenly stood up. "I - I need to go."

"Bella!" She winced at the disappointment in Emmett's voice. She couldn't bear to look at his or any of their faces.

"I'm supposed to meet up with Leah," she said. "I hear what you're saying. I - thanks."

And with that she turned on the spot and hurried away from the meadow, wondering all the while how she would outwit three vampires determined to save her.

This at least was true: she really was supposed to meet up with Leah in the cottage. The super senior was struggling with calculus and Bella had been tutoring her since her first dismal pop quiz of the year. Today, Bella's frustration with the vampires' attempted intervention earlier must have been seeping through her pores, because she wasn't being particularly helpful to the equally frustrated shapeshifter beside her.

"I hate this shit," Leah exclaimed and threw her pencil at the wall which, instead of making an imprint on the day-old paint, flew right back and poked her in the face.

"Hey!"

"Come on, you're not even trying."

Seething, Leah resumed her halfhearted attempt at the worksheet in front of her for all of two seconds before she broke the pencil in her hand to smithereens.

Bella sighed. "Ok...let's take a break."

Leah bolted from her seat at that and headed to the worktable in the corner. For what, Bella didn't know, as the cottage was more or less complete. There was nothing left to do except wait for the furniture delivery and that could take weeks. Nonetheless, Leah busied herself rummaging through Bella's sketches while she watched her from the corner of her eye.

Though she wanted nothing more than to stew in her own misery, Bella reluctantly addressed Leah's obvious perturbation. "What's wrong?"

Leah scoffed. "What's not wrong?"

Growing increasingly impatient, Bella bit her tongue to stop from escalating things with the ignitable wolf. What it so fucking horrible about her life? Let's see how Leah handles this burning rage threatening to implode or worse, explode on a daily basis. Let's see her deal with 500 lives lost and the increasing chance of adding to her fucking rap sheet.

She counted to 10 before speaking again. "I'm listening if you want to talk about it."

Through the anger, Bella thought she saw a sliver of sadness appear on the other girl's face.

Leah sat down heavily on the park bench in the middle of the room and said, "I'm worried about what's going to happen next year."

She carried on when Bella said nothing. "College, life, shit...I'm freaking out about it, ok?"

Bella could certainly understand that. She was finding it impossible to plan a day ahead, much less a year. She tried to give her the advice that she herself couldn't take: "Can't just take it a day at a time?"

"That's easy for you to say," Leah muttered.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Bella was surprised, and a bit hurt at the hint of accusation in Leah's voice.

"You have options," Leah said like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Your vampire buds are ready to go wherever you point. You don't need to worry about money. You can probably get into Oxford with your GPA. Hell you don't even need a damn passport to leave here."

Bella bit her tongue yet again. Yes, she had all those things...but Leah had no idea how tenuous all of it really was. She had no idea that Bella was one night, one excursion, one bad choice away from burning her house of cards of a life down...that sometimes she wished for it to actually happen so she'd have her excuse to run away.

Maybe Leah could live with her mom (whom she knew she missed) again in La Push with Bella gone.

"I'm not begrudging you any of that," Leah added quickly. "It's just hard to see the point of anything when there are so few options."

Bella nodded to show she wasn't offended. "Calc is the only thing giving you a hard time. You're fine with the rest. I'm sure you could get a scholarship somewhere."

Leah laughed wearily. "That's not all, ok?"

"Ok...I'm still listening."

She could tell that they were getting to the root of whatever was bothering her, for Leah's demeanor had changed from fury and indignation to utter helplessness. "Nobody knows what's gonna happen, alright? I'm the first girl to shift. Nobody knows if I'm even capable of imprinting."

Bella didn't know what she could say...honestly what could she possibly contribute to this?

"There's a guy in one of my classes. Nice, cute I guess. Total cracker but I won't hold that against him. I think he likes me, and...I dunno...I wouldn't mind seeing where it could go, you know? It would be nice to move on. But what if we do go out and it becomes a thing? Something serious? What if we fall in love and get married? And then I fucking imprint on someone else and I do to this idiot what Sam did to me?"

She was pacing now, too agitated to sit still. "And what if I do get with this guy, and I hold everything back because I know it would be easier to leave him if I imprint on someone else? And it never happens, and I ruin a perfectly good relationship? What if I end up doing this to everyone I meet and it turns out, whoopsie, girl wolves can't fucking imprint after all so it's all for nothing?"

"Jeez, ok, sit down," said Bella. "You're making this a lot bigger than it needs to be."

"Bigger than-" Leah scoffed. "You don't get it! There is nothing bigger than this for us. Nothing!"

"Surely-" Bella searched for the words. "Can't you ignore the imprint thing if you feel strongly enough for who you're with? I mean, love is love."

Leah stared at her. "Are you fucking serious right now? Did I ask if you could stop loving Rosalie cause she was with someone else?"

Bella laughed incredulously. "If I remember correctly you were a complete dick about that, so yeah."

"Ok, I was an ass. And you were right and I was wrong there, but that still makes you wrong and me right, right, er, now. You can't stop an imprint any more than Rosalie could stop whatever the fuck is happening between her and you and the big guy."

"Don't bring her into this," Bella muttered angrily.

"Whatever. Fine. But you can't stop an imprint. You can't change it. It's like...god I hated hearing this shit from Sam's head...it's like gravity moves...it's not the earth pulling you anymore, it's them. Your life completely changes when it happens and there's no going back. Fighting it would be like trying to drown yourself."

A dull ache settled in Bella's stomach the moment Rosalie's name reverberated in the echoey building, and continued to expand until she felt she might suffocate.

Leah sat across from her again looking deflated. "I keep picturing myself married with kids, you know? All the heartache it would cause if it happened then...assuming I can even have kids cause who the fuck knows what all this shifting is doing to my body."

That was the last straw. Seeing red, Bella muttered her excuses and bolted as quickly as she could without actually running, leaving a bewildered Leah to her own devices.

Laid out on the roof of the shed with hands behind her head, Bella looked up at the heavens and wondered what the hell she'd do next. She was positive Alice couldn't see her decisions. Bella had long understood, and refrained from cluing in her well-meaning but nosy friend, that there was no clarity beyond the wall of fire that consumed her; the hotter the flames, the harder for Alice to see. And never had she experienced such a state of turbulence as she had from the moment Rosalie left.

But, though Alice couldn't use her superpower on her, the rest of them could employ their more than capable vampire powers (not to mention their unlimited resources) to locate and figure out what she was up to. Bella was furious that she'd been discovered so effortlessly. Thankful too, that they hadn't realized what else she was doing in Seattle. But how long could she expect that secret to stay concealed unless she did as they implored and stayed put?

The very idea of abiding by her friends' request to stop sent her heart racing and flames shooting through her veins. It was laughable...what would she do, take up knitting? She wanted to burn, to consume, to overpower living things.

She closed her eyes, a solitary tear escaping as she ran a thumb over Rosalie's necklace. What could possibly save her now?

Tomorrow was her 18th birthday. Her bag was already packed with enough food to get her through the day. 1,500 miles away to the south, the chapel next to the cemetery where so many of her victims were laid to rest stood waiting for her annual pilgrimage. She'd already tucked the note under Charlie's door, wise enough to keep her distance this time of year regardless of the progress made with him.

But Seattle lay east of here, and there waiting for her was a much more appealing prize. Either form of bloodlust she chose, she could at least count on calming the fire within...of finding peace for a few hours of rest before she had to get up and do it all over again.

Which direction? South or east? Suffer the past or endure the present? The wall of flames seemed to block her own vision too as she stood up and tried to decide. Somehow she knew that whatever path she chose now would decide so much more than a single night's plans. She touched her necklace again as if in prayer.

And suddenly, she made her decision. Quickly donning her heaviest coat and the packed bag, she set out...neither southward nor eastward.

She was going north.

Note: Just want to give you a heads up now, we're either 0 chapters or 1 chapter away from the reunion. Something needs to happen before Bella and Rosalie meet again and I'm not sure yet if it will need an entire chapter. But...oooooh so close!