Chapter 88.
Surviving an apocalypse that wiped out most of the planet honed certain skills and Jules was good at judging the passage of time. When watches and phones stopped working, sometimes you needed to be able to figure out how long you had before sundown, or how long until dawn.
She wanted to forget what was to come and enjoy every moment she had left with Cas, but at the back of her mind was the thought that the night was passing and the morning would come and when he spoke of the future, it was a short one for him and a lonely one for her.
They were together and deeply in love, with neither trying to pretend otherwise and the night should have been perfect. It was perfect, except that it had to end and he still believed they had to part.
Jules spent a lot of her spare time imagining how it would be when he was finally ready and they fully consummated their relationship. They'd never gone all the way, but they'd taken a few scenic journeys along the start of the route and he was a gentle, generous and creative lover. She had always imagined a long night of sweet love, with none of the bitterness of her former relationships.
Now she could feel all hope of that slipping away. This night of complete trust and naked honesty might be the closest they ever came and he would not sully it with "inappropriate" sex, because to him, that was a commitment and tomorrow, he would break it. Her commitment to him could not be broken, she had been as good as married to him from the moment she had put on the ring for the first time. Her heart was not as much under her control. That commitment would end when her life did, perhaps not even then.
She looked at him, lying beside her, humanly weary, inhumanly beautiful. He had no idea of the beauty of his physical form - of Jimmy Novak, she supposed, who was dead - which felt weird. It wasn't Jimmy she saw, though, but Cas. Maybe it was easier because Jimmy had died and departed the body and all that was left in there was the essence of an angel. However anyone named the body, it was well-contoured and objectively attractive and it inspired in her a normal, physical desire.
Then there were his eyes, with their ever-changing blend of innocence and doubt and love and shame. Someone could drown in eyes like that and not necessarily dislike it. Above all, those eyes now showed his sorrow for the pain he knew he was causing and concern and compassion for her.
Forever was not long enough to explore his body or his being. She was down to a single night. His eyes looked into hers, half apology, half plea. Angels were also acutely aware of the passing of time.
Suddenly, he said to her, "As the lily among thorns, so is my love among the daughters."
She smiled, remembering how many times they had flirted using that book of the Bible so familiar to both, so obscure to those around them. "
"As the apple tree among the trees of the wood," she said, "So is my beloved among the sons. I sat down under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste."
"Oh my dove, that art in the clefts of the rock," said Cas, "In the secret places of the stairs, let me see thy countenance, let me hear thy voice; for sweet is thy voice, and thy countenance is comely." He touched her face and added, "Very comely."
She traced his body with her fingers, careful to avoid his most sensitive parts. "His eyes are as the eyes of doves by the rivers of waters, washed with milk, and fitly set. His cheeks are as a bed of spices, as sweet flowers: his lips like lilies, dropping sweet smelling myrrh." She touched his hands and said, "His hands are as gold rings set with the beryl." She stroked his abdomen. "His belly is as bright ivory overlaid with sapphires. His legs are as pillars of marble, set upon sockets of fine gold: his countenance is as Lebanon, excellent as the cedars." She kissed his lips. "His mouth is most sweet: yea, he is altogether lovely. This is my beloved, and this is my friend, oh daughters of Jerusalem."
"Your friend." he said, "Whatever may come, always that."
"Whatever may come, always my beloved." she said, "Set me as a seal upon thine heart, as a seal upon thine arm: for love is strong as death; jealousy is cruel as the grave: the coals thereof are coals of fire, which hath a most vehement flame."
"Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it: if a man would give all the substance of his house for love, it would utterly be contemned." He sighed sadly and said, "And I have given you nothing."
"You gave me all you could. My fault, for loving an angel, not yours, for being what you are."
"I hesitated, when I should have acted, I hurt you, when I should have put you first. Now, all our time is gone and in the end, I gave you nothing, not even hope."
"You gave me love." she said, "And a purer, deeper love than I have ever known before."
He took her hand and held it. "If I could have been to you what you deserved ... If I could have known the words to say ... If I could have had the courage to be your lover in literal fact, not merely in aspiration ... " Words failed him and he seemed lost again in guilt and regret.
"You're tired, Cas." she said.
"Yes." he said.
"Sleep for a while. Your grace is coming back. Rest will help."
"We have so little time." he said.
"One chance to sleep together." she reminded him.
"What if we oversleep and lose the whole night?"
She reached for her phone and said, "I'll set an alarm. We'll sleep for three hours."
"Is that enough for you?"
"It's all I can spare. The night is too short, but you need to sleep and I want us to sleep, just once, with our arms around each other. It's the one human thing we can share. Well, there is another, but you won't and you probably don't have the energy." She turned out the light and put the phone aside. " I sleep, but my heart waketh." she said.
He kissed her. "If you want to, wake me before the time is up. Nothing matters more to me than you tonight."
"Close your eyes, my love." she said, "Just let sleep come."
He closed his eyes.
She kissed his forehead. "I charge you, oh ye daughters of Jerusalem, by the roes, and by the hinds of the field, that ye stir not up, nor awake my love, till he please." she said.