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Chapter 40: All He Wrote

Amelia looks up as the door bumps open. Steve backing in, a shy Rosie curled in his arms. It's been three hours and Amelia can't stop smiling, despite her exhaustion. 'There she is, all ok, see?' Steve assures and Rosie nods, coming back to life and moving, curious to get down. 'Mommy!' Steve lowers her to the ground and she runs over to her mother, climbing onto the bed. 'You're ok!' She announces and Amelia looks to Steve in worry, he shakes his head as if to say don't ask. 'I'm fine, sweetie, how are you?' Amelia strokes her hair, the sight of Rosie bringing her nothing but joy, 'I'm ok, I had a nice time at the wedding.' Amelia smiles awkwardly, 'hmmm, uh ok, yes, that's… good. Hey, you want to meet your baby sister?' Rosie nods, hugging her mom close. She holds out her arms and Amelia suggests 'let your dad hold her to begin with, yeah? She's very tiny.'

Steve circles the bed, reaching the crib and staring down at the brand-new baby. He's only been gone twenty minutes to meet Amelia's parents and collect Rosie and even in that time he thinks she looks different. He reaches in and gently lifts her, holding her head like the nurse showed him.

'What's her name?' Rosie chirps behind him, he smiles down at the baby, listening to Amelia recite her name.

'Ba-by Phoe-be! That rhymes!' Amelia winces, moving her head, 'sort of, yeah.'

Steve gently sits in the chair beside the bed, Rosie leaning over, 'wow, she's so red, did she get sun burn?' Amelia frowns, 'no, she's been sleeping in mommy's tummy, it's very warm in there.' Rosie waves at the small baby, captivated by her. 'Hi, Phoebe! Hi! I'm Rosie, I'm your biggest sister.' Amelia melts at the interaction, feeling drained all of a sudden. 'Why isn't she smiling?' Rosie asks, peering between the adults and Steve answers, 'she won't do that for a few months, Rosie. Right now she can't even see you.' Rosie looks panicked, eyes widening as Amelia giggles, 'someone read a baby book.'

Steve rocks the baby gently, she squirms in his arms and Rosie laughs, 'she's blowing a bubble, look.' Rosie sits back, staring over at the little girl, 'when can she come home?' Amelia strokes Rosie's hair into a tidy ponytail, 'soon, tomorrow. You still having fun with grandad and nana?' Rosie just nods, staring at the baby, hypnotised. She whispers to Phoebe sweetly and Steve's eyes wander to Amelia, she looks truly happy, it's obvious to anyone. His mind freely strays back to Tony, his threat and Steve wonders, surely he can't mean it. He questions if he should ignore it, put it down to the stress, the upset, hope he gets over it. He looks down at the tiny baby in his arms, a small voice cutting through his thoughts 'when will I have another baby sister?' Amelia swallows, 'no. No more, mommy's done now, just two girlies to look after.' Steve smirks, a hint of disappointment somewhere inside at her words.

'Does uncle Bucky like baby Phoebe?' Amelia and Steve share a nervous glance, neither sure how to broach this. 'Umm, Rosie…' Amelia stops Steve, 'so, where's grandad now?'

There's a tap at the door, Andi leading in her father and Dana, 'hey, you up for more company? Found these two stragglers in the hall.' Amelia looks weepy, 'you should have just come in!' Rosie calls them through and Steve continues to stare at the child in wonder. Dana ushers, 'we weren't sure on numbers, they didn't look too keen to see more visitors.'

Peter looks about the room, commenting dryly 'you two certainly know how to get the old ticker going, what a day!' He and Dana creep closer to Steve, peering over his shoulder, 'well, look at that. Tiny thing, isn't she?' Steve adjusts Phoebe's hat and smiles down at her, agreeing warmly. Dana squeezes his shoulder and Peter coughs, suddenly getting choked up. Andi's still sporting Bucky's clothes and Amelia watches her sadly, offering her a hand and squeezing her palm, 'you ok?' Andi nods silently, then brushes her off 'yep. All good.'

Steve steps back and bumps into the new visitors, 'too many Millers in here, folks!' Peter calls sweetly and Dana nudges him subtly, pointing to the Rogers name plaque on the crib, 'oh, my mistake.' Amelia considers announcing her own engagement, but quickly decides against it as she watches her sister, hands buried in her nearly-husband's hoodie, staring absently at the new baby. Amelia feels selfish for wanting to enjoy the moment.

Rosie grins, showing all her teeth, 'just wait until uncle Bucky gets here!' The room falls silent and then Phoebe begins to cry. Peter pats Steve's shoulder and smiles at the baby, 'know how you feel, kid.' Steve rocks and peers down at her, family members moving away from the screaming child, Rosie covering her ears, 'I'll get us a coffee,' Andi announces morosely, leaving quickly.

…

Amelia wakes up later that night. Looking around for Steve, quickly recalling he went home to check on Rosie. It's dark outside and Amelia desperately looks about, spotting the clear crib beside her bed, her tiny baby asleep soundly next to her, just like they have been for months. 'Hi…' she mumbles lowly, smiling at the little person. 'You're so pretty and a little early. But you're perfect.' She doesn't move, sleeping soundly, 'please sleep like this forever,' her mom prays, wincing a little in pain. Amelia reaches a weak hand out, touching the plastic gently, 'hi…' She tears up, watching her, 'you're really here.'

Amelia hears a shuffle and looks around, 'hello?' She feels like an idiot and lies back down. Looking over at her baby girl and biting her lip. She hears something again and this time doesn't move, scared someone's about to burst in. She reaches for her nurse button calmly and subtly.

'Don't scream,' a voice calmly tells her. She looks over and can now see someone sat in the armchair in the corner of the room. Her heart constricts, an idea of who it might be. She reaches for another lamp, and the voice demands 'no, don't.'

Gradually the shadow steps into the light and confirms her worse suspicions. She breathes out, holding her chest, 'Bucky, my God, what…' He stands across from her like a ghost or a dream she imagined. Amelia takes him in, he looks ok, she doesn't know what she expected, long hair and a beard after thirty-six hours would be ludicrous. He shuffles a little closer, frowning down at the baby in the clear box.

Amelia clutches her chest, her racing heart slowing gradually, 'you know, when you say don't scream, it makes me want to scream.'

He stares at the tiny girl, Amelia checking out the door window and gasping, 'are you ok? What the hell happened? I don't even know where to start.'

'Is she ok?' He asks sombrely and Amelia doesn't know which she he means, 'yes, she's perfect, couldn't wait any longer, had to join the party.' Bucky nods, still watching the child. 'It's a good name.' His eyes flicker to the laminated sheet attached to the crib. Then he looks back to the baby, pushing his hands inside his pockets. His hood is up, and he looks like he's dressed for a bank heist.

'It was your choice, wasn't it? The name?' Amelia asks faintly, he nods a little, 'hmmm, yeah.'

Amelia rolls back in the bed, 'oh no, please tell me that you didn't name her after one of the many women you loved in your youth?' Bucky scoffs in spite of himself. 'No, An... she always makes me watch, made me watch, this show, there's a kooky blonde, carefree girl on it. Seemed familiar.' Amelia smiles softly and knowingly 'I know the type.'

Bucky nods, shoving his hands in his pockets, 'happy and carefree is what I want for your little girl. I just liked it, no great story attached. Sorry.'

Amelia agrees, turning serious 'I want that too, but she couldn't have arrived on a day any further from that.' He looks down in shame, 'what happened, Bucky? Tell me.' He nods a little, 'Steve didn't tell you yet?' Amelia shrugs, 'I want to hear it from you.'

He looks about, swallowing, almost chuckling bitterly, 'what about your package?' Amelia frowns, 'what package?' Bucky retakes his seat in the corner, she can hardly see him and in the end she lies back down, talking to the ceiling, grasping to faith that he's still there.

'How's…' He starts awkwardly and Amelia answers, 'I don't know, we haven't spoken about it since the church. I've been a bit busy.'

'She didn't believe me at first, she thought you'd be there, she had faith in you and then it was like a light just went out and it was as if she knew, knew you wouldn't be there, that you weren't coming. She left and… I don't know what happens now.' He doesn't say anything, 'why did you do it?' Amelia asks softly, quickly wiping her eyes.

'I needed to check you were ok, check on the baby.' Amelia weeps silently, 'not this. Why did you leave her? Us?' Bucky bites back emotion, hearing the word us makes him realise all over again what he's done.

'I was never enough for her, she might think I was, but I wasn't, I'm not. I'm not good enough for anyone and she deserves the best.' Amelia scoffs, croaking 'not an excuse, she loves you.'

Bucky leans back, 'I felt like everything was slipping from my grasp, everything was changing and it was just a matter of time before she slipped, looked up at me and realised, I'm nothing. Worthless. And to top it all off, I'm… I'm a killer. No matter how much I purge it, it always creeps back in.' Amelia has no energy to argue with him. 'I sat staring at the wedding gifts, the night before and I realised I couldn't picture it, the wedding. In my head, you were there, Steve was, she was, but never me. I couldn't see myself in that role, it was never me who pulled back her veil, or kissed her, it was some faceless guy, one who would make her happy for the rest of her life.'

Amelia sniffs loudly, looking to the baby and trying to find something good right now.

'Then I opened a gift, an envelope thing… and it was this little, I dunno, but it was tiny, no threat. But it was… I can't, I just can't tell you, you'll never look at me the same.' Bucky buries his head in his palms. Amelia bites her lip, looking for him in the dark room, but giving up and staring at Phoebe.

'Was it about Tony's parents?' Bucky looks up in shock, 'you did get a copy?' She shakes her head slowly, 'no.' She rolls away and faces the door, watching for someone to come in. She feels guilty, her back to her new tiny baby, but she almost doesn't want her to hear this. 'Steve told me, a couple of nights after you remembered. I'm just guessing that's what's on there. It must be.'

Bucky looks up quickly, 'you knew? All along?' She doesn't say anything, but he hears her pillow crease as she nods. She cries, 'that's probably why I don't have a copy, I already knew. I didn't need to see it. Who's doing this? What if someone knows?' Bucky thinks it over, 'I can't believe you…' She sniffs and sits up a little, struggling and groaning in discomfort. He rushes over, stepping into her lamp light. A nurse walks by and Amelia panics, 'I'm fine, get back.'

'I can't believe you knew and you were going to let me marry your… why?' Amelia softens and wipes her eyes, 'that wasn't you, I don't need to see the footage to know that. I'm looking at the real you, the guy that came back to check on his family, to ask about his best friend's daughter. I know you. I don't know that guy, Steve was right, burying it was all you could do. They pardoned the other stuff, why not this? It's the same.'

Bucky looks at her as she cries, once again he finds himself ruining the happiest day of someone's life.

'It's not the same, Amelia. I couldn't keep this inside of me, I'm not that person anymore. I'm tired of lies and Andi doesn't want to visit me behind bars, spend her days alone, raise… Look, she should be happy. Now she can be. Now she's free.'

Amelia can't appreciate the logic to a degree, but it's filled will flaws. She quickly panics they will run out of time. Grasping an open hand into the darkness of the room.

'Tony knows. I saw him watching something, it must have been this. He's off with Steve, they aren't talking properly. Something's wrong' Amelia declares and Bucky nods sombrely 'yeah, I guessed as much. Does… does Andi…' Amelia shrugs, 'I don't know, Steve has said nothing, we haven't discussed it. We stared at the baby for hours, people were coming and going and then he went home. He's coming back.' Bucky nods, as if he knows all of this already. 'He was so happy, we didn't want to talk about…'

'Me?' Bucky queries sadly, Amelia doesn't deny it.

'When she sees the footage, Andi will know I did the right thing,' Bucky states defiantly. Amelia sighs, sniffing, 'this isn't fair, you don't deserve this. Stay and talk to her, please? Just try?'

He steps closer and peers down at the baby. After a long time he sighs, 'huh, I was right.' She looks to him in question, 'definitely your nose.' He stares at the small baby, bundled up and safe from the world, safe from him. He knows he will miss this, he won't see her grow up. 'I'm really uh, disappointed, not to see Steve champion at this as well,' he half grins and Amelia manages a weak laugh. 'He is good at everything. You always make me smile,' she admits weakly.

Amelia nods, and looks into the crib, 'he will be back soon. What will you do?' Bucky shrugs, 'who knows, Europe again, maybe. Worse ways to spend a life.' He looks at Phoebe, her lips puckering in her sleep, her eyes creased shut, 'Steve will watch over you, all of you.'

Bucky looks about, knowing his time is up, but he can't leave without knowing.

'Did she, uh, did she get my note?' Amelia nods, 'but I don' know if she's read it or if she will, she's devastated.' Bucky shuffles awkwardly, she reaches for his hand, clasping it in hers. He looks down at her wrist name band, the disconnected drip on the back of hand. 'We'll meet again,' she promises and he doesn't believe her but admires her positivity, 'you are too good to me, Amelia.' She groans and rolls her eyes, he continues, 'look after them, all of them, yeah?' The door opens and she drops his hand, looking over, she freezes at the sight of a nurse.

The nurse stills and then smiles, 'ah, you're awake, how you doing, mom? It's very late, everything ok?' Amelia looks back, but he's gone, she has no idea where or what happened. She coughs and splutters, 'yeah, umm, I just woke up.' She looks up to see him at the door, leaving silently. The black hood pulled over his head once again. He holds her gaze but disappears into the hall.

Bucky shuts the door softly, looking left and right, nurses joking at their station, one bringing a tray of coffees over. He steps further out and freezes. Staring at Andi. He swallows and looks over at her.

She's asleep across three chairs, just opposite and his ragged breathing feels loud enough to wake her. He stares at her, she looks peaceful. He recognises his clothes and his heart halts in his chest. He thinks about walking closer, but a nurse announces, 'room 15? I'm on it!' He takes one last look, casually strolling for the exit, refusing to look back.

…

When Amelia awakens again, it's very early morning, the sun just coming up. She looks over at Phoebe first, moving her arms and kicking, but still asleep. She looks around the room, sensing someone. 'Hey,' Steve smiles, shuffling closer, his seat against the bed. He moves her hair and settles back, watching her. 'You're tired, we missed you,' he smiles.

'You look terrible,' Amelia comments and he frowns, 'sorry. I've not slept, just sat watching her. She's so beautiful. They just brought her back, I think so you could catch some sleep.' Amelia looks to the crib, 'can you believe we made that?' She asks sweetly and Steve grins, 'I'm still getting my head around that bit, I can't believe what you did, you were amazing.' Amelia shifts and frowns, 'ugh, I don't feel amazing.' Steve offers her a drink and eyes her.

'I have a confession,' Steve admits, Amelia looks worried, 'oh God, what now?' Steve tells her to calm down, 'I picked her up, we had a cuddle, think I woke her, sorry.' Amelia smiles sweetly at him, 'love you. Thank you for being nice to me and letting me shout at you.' Steve shrugs, 'what more could I do?'

'Rosie will be back here later, she's coming lunchtime with your parents. Can't stay away.' Amelia just nods, 'are they all ok? Is Andi ok? My dad?' Steve nods distractedly, kissing her hand, 'they will be.' That doesn't answer her question and she dreads what awaits her at home, but appreciates him trying to keep their bubble happy and safe. Creeping her hand over the bed and finding his. 'Steve? He was here.'

Steve snaps up in shock, 'Bucky?' She nods, 'late last night.' Steve looks about, 'what did he say?' She shakes her head, 'that he's sorry, he told me about the package, the thumb-drives. Why didn't you?' Steve stares down, gutted she found out like that. 'I've already put too much on you, you don't deserve this. You deserve so much better.' Amelia grabs his hand, 'don't you go leaving too. You sound like him.' Steve looks down sadly, 'I need to find him, Amelia. It's really important that I do. Did he say where he's going? What he's planning?' She shakes her head, 'he joked Europe, but nothing else, he said nothing really.' Steve stands up and mumbles 'shit.'

'This is bad, isn't it? What's Tony going to do?' Steve looks to her, 'I just need to find him and that fourth thumb-drive and where the hell they are coming from. It should have been delivered to you, it's all I can think of, one for each of us. Do you have any ideas?' Amelia shrugs, his tone quiet but distressed, 'this shouldn't be like this, we just had a baby, Phoebe needs more than this.' Steve pauses and watches the sleeping girl, 'if I can find Bucky… we have… I just, I must find him.' He appears desperate and Amelia shakes her head, 'you're scaring me, Steve. What's going on?' He sits back down beside her, clasping both her hands, 'you're sure there was no mail at the house?' Amelia nods, 'no, I'm not sure but who is even doing this? What would be the gain of sending it to me?' She pauses, a thought crossing her mind.

Dropping his hands and leaning back in bed. 'Unless… shit, I think I know where it might be. Get my phone, get my bag, just pass me my phone.'

…

Andi wakes up with a crick in her back and a raging headache, like she went out drinking until five AM, but without the fun memories. Only this feels way worse. Looking about, she can see it's early, she hopes the nurse that tried to kick her out has long gone. She stands, something cracking in her arm and peering in the glass of her sister's door. Steve is holding Amelia's hand and stroking her face. She watches them and decides to leave them as they are. Nowhere to go, no one to rush home to. Only questions waiting for her at the house and the tower. Questions that even she can't really answer. Sitting back down, she snuggles further into her sweater, it smells of him and she sighs, secretly finding comfort in it. Lifting her legs up and burying her hands in her pockets. She feels something there and pulls out his note. She forgot about it.

Looking at it sadly and spotting a trash can, considering just tossing it, but truly she wants answers, she wants to know. Her mind flashes back to the CCTV and she recalls the recorded events, shivering and closing her eyes, desperately trying to block it, wondering if that's why he left. Was it just that or her as well?

She unfolds the note and looks away, watching the nurses, then the TV. She resigns herself and slowly starts to read.

There's no vows, no answers, no explanation and she thinks this is a joke, a cruel joke, who would do this. It's just blank.

Flipping the paper over she stops. His writing filling only two lines.

This Bucky is not very good with words, so I settled for three.

I love you.

Andi's tears stain the page as she silently racks with sobs, re-reading it again and again. Her vision blurring, a stinging in her nose and a burning in her throat. She bites her lip forcefully, almost rocking in her seat. He never said it aloud, never wrote it down and there it is. She folds it away quickly, crying softly to herself, lifting her legs, her face pressed to her knees.

TBC…

AN: Slightly shorter this week, but it's an emotional few chapters. Next chapter soon. Take care