"Happy birthday baby boy," Nikki said scooping Ty up out of his crib, "you're one today."
"Mama," Tyler said.
"Yes baby boy," Nikki said, "I love you. Let's get you dressed."
"See," Tyler tried.
"Do you want your glasses," Nikki asked.
"See," Tyler said as Nikki sat him on the changing table and grabbed his glasses putting the strap around his head.
"Now you can see," Nikki said, " let's change your diaper and get you dressed."
Nikki quickly changed Ty's diaper having become very efficient at it in the last year and dressed him in a clean onesie and sweats. She carried him to the rocking chair in the corner for milk and a snuggle.
"It's saturday so mommy is home all day with Ty," Nikki said, "lets go play for a bit then make breakfast."
Nikki set Tyler on his feet and followed as he walked with slow deliberate steps to the livingroom. He grabbed his blocks and started stacking them. Nikki sat beside him and built a tower laughing when Tyler knocked it down. They played for a while before Nikki made their breakfast choosing to sit with Ty in her lap for breakfast instead of in his high chair.
As she was finishing cleaning up Evelyn knocked.
"Mom," Nikki said, "he's one."
"I know darling," Evelyn smiled.
"How is my baby one," Nikki asked, "it seems like yesterday he was born this year has gone too fast."
"It's gone fast," Evelyn agreed.
"So much has changed," Nikki said.
"It has," Evelyn said. She was remembering how a year ago Nikki had sat in the hospital room panicking every time Ty moved or made a noise.
"I was a mess when he was born," Nikki admitted.
"You were overwhelmed," Evelyn agreed, "you just needed a couple weeks to settle in. All moms need a couple weeks with their first."
"Teddy," Nikki asked.
"You were so caught up in being a senior and audition season," Evelyn said, "she needed me. Owen would call me worried about her."
"You just tried to move in with me," Nikki said.
"I would have stayed more than the first couple nights," Evelyn said.
"I was fine," Nikki said, "it was just sleep deprivation and hormones."
"It was," Evelyn agreed, "you calmed down when he started sleeping more at night."
"I did," Nikki said, "its hard to believe hes a year. And how did I miss that he couldn't see. He's had his glasses since Tuesday and loves them."
"You got it looked at as soon as you suspected," Evelyn said, "he was meeting all his milestones, he looked at our faces and copied expressions you thought it was okay."
"They are pretty cute," Nikki said.
"They are," Evelyn agreed, "you were almost three, Owen was two."
"It just feels like I failed him as a mom," Nikki said.
"Nikki darling," Evelyn said, putting her hand on Nikki's arm, "you are an amazing mom. He is a happy, healthy, well loved boy. He loves you, you're his mama."
"I love him," Nikki said smiling at her son, "he's my world."
"How does Brett work into this," Evelyn asked.
"He loves Ty," Nikki said, "his parents were really nice about it."
"They were when they came for dinner," Evelyn agreed, "you went to church with them?"
"I went to see his dad speak," Nikki answered, "I might go with Brett again tomorrow. I liked Brett's church. I felt welcome the last couple Sundays."
"What's going on there," Evelyn pressed, she thought Nikki was keeping something from her.
"We're going to the conference at the end of May," Nikki said, "I agreed to share a room."
"Nicole," Evelyn looked serious.
"We're setting boundaries," Nikki said, "there is a line I'm not ready to cross yet with him. He agrees we're not there yet. But to kiss and cuddle we're ready for that."
"If it's what you both want," Evelyn agreed.
"I feel safe with him," Nikki said, "I see dr Montgomery after school Monday to deal with some preparation in case we decide we want more. I'm not stupid. Mom Brett makes me feel safe loved and wanted in was no one ever has. He was here until one am last night."
"Why so late darling," Evelyn asked.
"We put on a movie and we're cuddling but we both drifted off," Nikki admitted, "I woke up feeling cold the realized we were still in the couch. I wanted to stay in his arms. I felt protected and loved. I've never had that before. The way he holds me I like it. It's not about sex with him. It's just affectionate and gentle. Mom he would never push me."
"I think you learned about using your voice," Evelyn said, "does he listen?"
"Always," Nikki said, "mom he asks first. He lets me tell hm what I'm comfortable with."
"He's coming today," Evelyn asked.
"He is," Nikki replied, "around 10 he wants to help set up and people come around noon."
"Go to your conference with him," Evelyn encouraged, "I like him darling he loves you."
" I love him but I'm scared to say it," Nikki admitted, " the last guy I said it to was Jeff. "
"Tell him," Evelyn said, "I think he's waiting for you."
"If it feels natural," Nikki agreed, "I don't want a big production."
"You're my low key one with all of this," Evelyn said.
"I think he could be the one mom," Nikki said, "Meghan keeps teasing me that Brett and I are Owen and Teddy all over again."
"Listen to your sister," Evelyn laughed, "she was right about the other two."
"Meghan likes to meddle," Nikki answered.
"Always has," Evelyn remarked.
"She thinks she knows best for me," Nikki said, "but sometimes she's making assumptions based on the last year or me being a little kid."
"I can see that," Evelyn said, "she was always your protector and the buffer between you and Owen. i think thats been one of her hardest adjustments is that you and your brother are so close and that Teddy in a sense took her place."
"I guess," Nikki agreed, "she was jealous Teddy got to be there when Ty was born."
"She would have moved in with you had she been home," Evelyn said, "she would have been right by your side for weeks before and after."
"When I've had enough and just need to think she seems to cling more," Nikki complained, "she doesn't understand that when I'm stressed or overwhelmed I like my space to work it out. I'll ask when I need people."
"That's Meghan," Evelyn said, "when people are hurting she will do everything in her power to make it better. She's always been that way."
"Some days it's too much," Nikki said, "I pick Ty up from her afterschool and I'm tired, I've had a long day and a bunch of marking to do and she realizes I'm stressed so starts making tea and feeding me cookies to get me to relax but what I really need is to go home put on leggings, take my son for a walk, have dinner and play with Ty."
"Communicate," Evelyn said, "you use your voice with everyone but your sister. Talk to Nathan if you need to."
"Can you talk to her," Nikki asked, "I don't want to hurt her."
"She won't be hurt just be honest," Evelyn said, "you two have to build an adult relationship. Theres days that she still expects you to be Squirt and the baby sister she left when you haven't been that girl since you were 14 and you sometimes expect her to be the person you remember."
"I'm working on it," Nikki said.
"So is she baby," Evelyn smiled, "you both are. The three of you have to figure out how to be together as adults."
"Owen is a lot better with it," Nikki argued.
"Because he was here," Evelyn said, "you were still in highschool when he came home. You got to grow together. He saw the steps forward and the process of growing up. With meghan you just were grown up."
"I showed up on the tarmac with my son," Nikki said, "he was only two weeks."
"Hes a big boy now," Evelyn said looking to where Tyler was happily playing.
"He is," Nikki said, "as much as I loved baby cuddles this is more fun."
"It is," Evelyn agreed.
"Ga," Tyler yelled seeing Evelyn.
"Happy Birthday Ty," Evelyn beamed bending down to kiss the little boy's head.
Evelyn helped Nikki get what they could ready for the party.
"While Mr Magoo has his nap why don't you get ready before Brett comes," Evelyn suggested when Nikki came back into the room.
"I just need to do hair and make up," Nikki answered.
"Go do it," Evelyn said shooing Nikki off to get ready.
Ready Nikki came back into the room.
"I need a hair cut," Nikki said.
"Your usual trim," Evelyn asked.
"No a real cut," Nikki said, "this hip length hair is not working for me right now. It'll grow back if I want it long again."
"Where are you thinking," Evelyn asked, "when was the last time you cut it?"
"Before Ty was born and mid ribs I think," Nikki replied, "still long but not almost sitting on it."
"I think it will look very pretty," Evelyn said, "no trying to colour it again?"
"No," Nikki said, 'I've embraced the red once people stopped kicking gingers."
There was a knock at the door.
"Meg," Nikki greeted.
"What do you need help with," Meghan asked.
"I'm waiting for Brett then we need to set up," Nikki said.
"Where's the birthday boy," Meghan questioned.
"Napping," Nikki answered, "wake him at your own risk."
"Hes cranky if you wake him up early," Meghan said.
"Why I said at your own risk," Nikki said.
"How are you doing squirt," Meghan asked.
"Stop calling me that," Nikki said, "I know it's what you've called me since I was a baby. I've hated it for years. I got really annoyed with Owen about it a few years ago. That was my nick name as a little kid. Please stop calling me squirt."
"Where did this come from," Meghan asked looking shocked Nikki had never snapped at her before.
"It's bothered me for a while," Nikki said, "I ignored it when you first came home because I was so happy you were back then I thought you would pick up on that Owen and Teddy had stopped using it. It really bothers me. It makes me feel like a little kid. I know I'll always be younger than you. But Meghan I'm not a baby anymore. I haven't been a kid since I was 14."
"I know you're not a baby," Meghan said, "the moment I saw you on the tarmac I knew that. Then within moments of me seeing you finding out you had just had a baby."
"I know I let you down," Nikki said, "I know I wasn't what you expected me to be but you cant hold that against me. We both had fantasy sisters. Meghan we both changed in those ten years. We both had to change. I cant go back to being the 13 year old you left behind. That little girl wanted her big sister to do everything for her, she just wanted her siblings to be there because the other kids at school had their dads and their siblings. But mine were always away so when you came home I clung and I was an attention monster. But i haven't been that kid since I was 14. I had to grow up. I had to be there and be strong for mom. I know what happened was way outside of any ones control and I don't blame anyone any more. For a while I blamed Owen, I thought he should have kept you safe but I was a bratty teenager so that means nothing. I don't need your pity. I know I'm not what you expected but I've worked really hard to get here. Yes I still live in our brothers basement but I choose to do that. I could get my own place but I feel safe here, it's close to mom, close to you, close to school."
"Nikki stop," Meghan said putting a hand on Nikki's shoulder.
"I know you've grown up," Meghan said, "and it's hard for me. Because for ten years my picture of you was the thirteen year old with braces in her first solo role in the nutcracker. My mental picture of you was the little sister that would crawl into my bed to tell you stories. I missed a lot and we can't get those years back. I knew a child and came back to a woman. It's not easy to fit into the life you've built. I don't know where I fit. You go to Teddy for so much of the big sister stuff because she's been here. I don't pity you. Nikki I'm proud of you. I see how hard you're working and how much you love teaching, I know you're good at it. Yes I get frustrated that your ex won't support Tyler. I hate watching you second guess yourself. I want to see you happy. You deserve happiness. I miss having friends. I have you, Owen and Teddy. My friends moved on, I'm still getting to know people at work. It's really hard to make friends again with people who thought you were dead. I think you expected me to be the person you remembered two. The one who let you stay up way past bedtime and fed you all the junk food mom didn't keep in the house."
"We both changed," Nikki said, "we had to."
"We did," Meghan agreed, "I want to understand your story."
"I need you to tell all of yours," Nikki said, "stop sheltering me. I'm tougher than you think."
"I'll tell you more another day," Meghan agreed, "but there are somethings that I haven't even been able to tell Nate. there's some things I even have a hard time telling my therapist. Some of it I don't know if I'll ever be able to share it."
"I understand that," Nikki said, "I have parts of my story no one will ever know. But I need to feel like you trust me."
"I do trust you," Meghan said, "and I want you around. I'm trying to get to know you as an adult. That's why I always have tea and a treat read on Wednesdays when you pick up Ty."
"I really appreciate that," Nikki said, "I like our time. Sometimes right after school when I haven't had a moment to breathe since I got to work at 7:30 isn't great for me. Afterschool I'm tired, I need time to decompress. I want to cuddle and play with Ty. I am with students from the moment I walk in the building until the moment I leave. I do my prep at home after I put my son to bed. Can we pick another time to have our tea?"
"You like your space don't you," Meghan asked.
"I do," Nikki admitted, "I'm not as social as you are. I need to be alone to slow my mind down. My ADHD is still a challenge for me. I can cope and I have a lot of strategies but theres only so long I can be on for. When I let my control slip, usually at home or after school I know I can be hard to take."
"Who said that," Meghan asked.
"Jeff," Nikki shrugged, "I spent years holding it together in front of him. Then when he left I stopped holding it in at home. I dance around the house with Ty as I do things. But you'll think I'm crazy. When I get off school I'm tired from holding it together all day. From hiding it from the world. I can't sit and have a cup of tea. I need to move I have to let all that energy out before it explodes."
"What if we went for a walk when you got to my house," Meghan suggested, "I didn't know you still fought with it."
"I always will," Nikki said, "it's lifelong. Kids don't grow out of it, they learn to cope."
"Can you explain it," Meghan asked.
"Not with out being me and letting go of some of my control," Nikki said.
"Then let go," Meghan said, "i've seen you drunk."
Evelyn who had been listening gasped, "Nikki doesn't drink."
"She will with Teddy and I," Meghan laughed.
"I only got drunk once," Nikki said.
"And I'm sure you were just you then," Meghan said, "you didn't over think what you were saying and censor yourself."
"No judging," Nikki said.
"I promise," Meghan said, holding out her pinkie the way she had when Nikki was little.
"Okay," Nikki agreed, linking pinkies with her sister.
Evelyn looked on and realized how much her girls now looked alike, Nikki slightly shorter and Meghan's hair a few shades darker but the way they were standing facing each other it was clear they were sisters.
"So ADHD," Meghan said, "tell me what to know. I think you're probably a bit of an expert."
"Expert is going a bit far," Nikki said, "it is a spectrum similar to autism and there are two main types: hyperactive and inattentive. I'm inattentive, I day dream, I love being alone with my thoughts and my imaginary worlds. Sometimes it looks like i'm just shy or anxious but my brain works differently. I don't think the same way other people do. My brain goes really fast, and sometimes people dont follow me. So I fight to control it. One of the best ways I've seen it explained is that most people think in straight lines but I think in a web. My web is a bit confusing for most people. Sometimes mom and Teddy are patient enough to unravel the web. I work really hard to keep my web under control around people."
"I was the first person who could follow the web," Meghan said, 'just be you. Thank you for trusting me with that. I know it's not easy for you to let people in."
Nikki didn't know how to respond. She just hugged Meghan.
"I love you," Meghan whispered, returning the hug.
"Love you two," Nikki answered.
"Lets get ready for this party," Meghan said.
"The food is almost done," Nikki said, "Owen agreed to BBQ the hot dogs and burgers and the rest is ready to go I think."
"It looked good when I got here," Evelyn said.
"Nap time is almost over and we need to decorate," Nikki said.
"The yard," Meghan confirmed.
"Yes," Nikki replied, "it has to be. Sydney needs it to be in the back yard."
"Sydney is coming," Meghan asked, "I haven't seen her in 11 or 12 years."
"She is," Nikki said, "she loves Tyler. She'll never have kids, so she said she gets to spoil him like crazy and she does."
"Aunties rights," Meghan smiled.
"And hes the first kid in my friend group," Nikki said, "Julie and her BF Andrew are coming. Kendra, Bryn and a couple of others you haven't met from GTEP that I'm good friends with."
"GTEP they know about you and Brett," Evelyn asked.
"They were pairing us off in Kenya," Nikki laughed, "we got finally, it's about time you two."
"He's coming," Meghan said.
"He should be here any minute," Nikki said.
"Many other kids," Meghan asked.
"Our family and Brynn's daughter is about 6 months older than Ty," Nikki replied.
There was a knock on the door and Ty called, "mama," at the same time.
"I have the door," Evelyn said.
"I'll get Ty," Nikki replied walking to get her son.
Evelyn opened the door, "Brett."
"Is Nikki with Ty," Brett asked.
"He just work up from his nap," Evelyn said.
"I haven't seen him in a few days," Brett said, "and it's his birthday."
"He's happy today," Evelyn said.
In Ty's room Nikki picked him up out of the crib and put his glasses back on before taking a few minutes to cuddle before getting him ready.
When Ty was ready Nikki set him on the floor and opened the door to his room.
Brett heard the door open and stepped into the hall, "happy birthday little dude."
"Ett," Ty crowed.
Brett crouched down to hug the toddler, "I like your glasses. Can you see?"
"See," Ty said.
"Looking cool little dude," Brett said.
"Up," Tyler said.
Brett swung Tyler up in the air making him laugh.
"What do you need help with," Brett asked.
"Decorating," Nikki said, "just carrying things up."
"Pack and play," Brett asked.
"Baby jail in the yard," Meghan asked.
"Just while we set up," Nikki said, "we need him contained."
They carried the decorations up to the back yard and set up for the party.
They had a few minutes before the guests arrived.
Sitting with a bottle of water Nikki said, "he's one."
"I know he is," Brett said, "how are you with this?"
"He's not my baby," Nikki said, "he's not my little 7 pound 8 ounce cuddle monster anymore."
"He's still a cuddler," Meghan said, "more than Faroke was."
"I just miss him being tiny sometimes," Nikki said.
"I know," Evelyn said, "the first year goes fast. He's still your baby. He always will be. I still have three babies."
"Mom," Nikki groaned.
Guests started arriving filling the back yard with excitement and laughter.
Meghan walked over to Sydney.
"Meghan," Sydney asked.
"Sydney," Meghan greeted, "it's me."
"Nikki told me you were back but I haven't been able to see you," Sydney said, "I can't get into her place down the stairs. I only get here in the summer."
"I would have come to see you," Meghan said, "what are you doing these days? The last time I saw you you were 13."
"I'm in graphic design," Sydney said, "I still needed to create. I work with a magazine here in Seattle and do some freelance work on the side."
"Have I seen any of your work," Meghan asked.
"Some of Nikki's math games and the clip art for her masters project is my work," Sydney said, "her master's clip art is part of my masters project. I love working on things for kids."
"Married, single, dating," Meghan asked.
"Engaged," Sydney said, " Matt is over there talking to Brett."
"When's the wedding," Meghan asked.
"I don't have a date," Sydney replied, "he only asked a week ago."
Nikki ran over to Meghan and Sydney, "Matt told us. Congratulations! Let me see!"
Sydney held out her left hand.
"Syd, I'm so happy for you," Nikki squealed, hugging her friend.
"You and Brett next," Sydney asked.
"Julie and Andrew," Nikki said, "please Syd it's been six months."
"And he's over there pushing your son on a swing and talking to my fiance," Sydney smiled.
"He's a good guy," Nikki said, "I'm happy. Just let me enjoy being happy. Seeing that my boyfriend doesn't question that I have a son. Brett is there for Ty and loves him. They're so excited to see each other."
"Do you get time just you and him," Syd asked.
"The odd time," Nikki said, "we're going to a conference in a month presenting our masters work. Ty is staying here with my mom and Meg."
"I'm looking forward to it," Meghan said, "Syd any ideas for your wedding?"
"White dress," Sydney said, " Nikki and Julie as bridesmaids."
"Me," Nikki asked.
"You've been my best friend since we were three," Sydney said, "will you do it?"
"Of course," Nikki said, "I'm happy for you. My third time as a bridesmaid."
"Maid of honour," Sydney said, "please."
"Always," Nikki smiled.
They all mingled and Ty wove through people stopping for hugs. After lunch Nikki let Tyler open his presents. His favourite was a large car for the backyard that he could sit in and move with his feet. He was cute scooting around in his car honking the horn.
When it was time for cake Teddy suggested, "he's going to be a mess from this. Strip him down to his diaper."
"I was planning on it," Nikki said, "cute little cake smash pictures in his diaper."
They all sang happy birthday and Nikki put the icing covered cupcake in front of Tyler. He shoved his hands into the icing as Nikki fed him a spoonful of cake. Realizing that he liked the taste of cake he grabbed fistfuls of cake and shoved them into his mouth covering himself with icing and cake it was in his hair, ears and smeared across his glasses.
When the cake was finished Nikki picked him up, "okay little man, let's quickly rinse you off. I think you have more cake on you than in you."
"You're all sticky," Brett said, "was the cake good."
"Cake," Tyler said.
"Yes you liked your cake," Nikki smiled, kissing her son's cheek.