Chapter 90.
Cas could not remember how he had ended up in Stull Cemetery, but he felt that being there was not a good thing. Ominous black birds flew across the sky, croaking to each other and a cold wind blew.
"Hey, assbutt!" said a voice behind him.
He turned. Michael stood there in the form of Adam. He smiled coldly. "Sorry, couldn't resist."
Belatedly, Cas understood that this was a dream. "Go away." he said.
"You haven't thought this through, have you?" said Michael, "Consequences have never been your thing."
"This is a dream. You are not real." said Cas, trying to dispel the unwanted vision.
"Really? I'm the one that's not real? You're playing at being human."
Cas heard Jules say, bitterly, "You just wanted to play at being human for a while."
"I never claimed to be human." he said to both.
"All you ever did was try to be what you're not and now, when what you are could help Dean to fight, you sacrifice your life for that abomination."
"Jack is not an abomination. Jack is the one truly good being in the universe."
"The other me will take Dean back."
"No." said Cas.
"And if the Empty has taken you, he will have nobody left to come after him."
"He'll have Sam and Jack and Jules."
"Is it easier to go to the Empty than to continue the fight?" said Michael.
"Nothing about going there is easy." said Cas.
He looked across the cemetery and saw two figures walking towards him, two women. Kelly came to him first. She smiled a brave smile at him and said, "Your biggest fear is that you are a coward. Ignore Michael. He never knew you. No angel did. Does Jules say you are a coward?"
"Stupid. A fantasist. A dreamer." he recited.
"No, not then. Not when she was angry and hurt. What did she see when she looked at you tonight?"
"I don't know." he said.
"You do know. Do you think Jules could love a coward? She sees who you truly are, so this assbutt can go right back to Hell. You're not running from battle. You're keeping your word and protecting my son. You're his father, not Lucifer, because Lucifer would not die for him."
Before he could answer, she walked away and suddenly Meg was in front of him. "What did playing by the rules ever get you, Clarence? It was every time you broke the rules that the good stuff happened. Who cares if what you have with Dean is confusing and complicated? Everything worth having is confusing and complicated. Given more time, I could have shown you that."
"What does Dean have to do with this?" said Cas.
"Dean is never out of your thoughts. He's always gonna be in your dreams." she said.
"Tonight, I have other things on my mind."
"Apparently not." she said, "It's okay. You feel like you're abandoning him by giving yourself to the Empty. You're not. You id it to save the nephilim who has the potential to save Dean and Sam and that woman you had the audacity to fall in love with."
"I ... "
"Relax. I'm dead, she's alive. There's still a part of you that cares about me, right?"
"I still hope to bring you back."
"We may fight over you."
"That doesn't mean I shouldn't repay my debt to you. But I am with her now."
"Until dawn." said Meg and that felt like the announcement of the hour of execution.
"What if I don't have the strength to walk away?" he said.
"Strength has never been your problem." she said, "You can walk away. You will always find the strength to sacrifice yourself. As long as you think it's the right thing, you'll trample over your heart and hers without hesitation. Only ... "
"Only, I don't know if it is the right thing." he said.
"No. You think it must be, because the other way is what you want to happen."
"What if ... "
"What if the thing you want is the right thing after all? To be with her until you are snatched away? To take comfort in her love?"
"But it feels wrong."
"Because it feels selfish, because to you, anything that makes you happy feels selfish."
"Being happy will trigger the deal anyway." he said, "So this selfishness could leave them all without protection."
"How happy is too happy?" she said.
"I don't know. Jules says I can't be happy when I am deceiving Dean and Sam."
"She may be right."
"Why Stull Cemetery?" he said.
"I was wondering that." she said, "Hardly a place of great revelation."
He smiled. It hadn't been, on the day they stopped the apocalypse, but on a later visit, at a time of great honesty between the three of them, he, Sam and Dean had found revelation there. It was at Stull that Dean had opened his mind to Cas and allowed him to see how Dean saw him.
"It's not confusing or complicated at all." said Cas, half to her, half to himself. "It's actually very simple, but terrifying. I exist as I am now because of him and he exists as he is now because of me. We are each other's saviour and brother and friend and I am lying to him all the time."
"Do you plan to stop?" she said.
"No. I can't. I hope he will understand when this is all over."
"When you're rotting in the Empty with me?"
"When we are both rotting in the Empty alone, not that anything rots there. Rotting involves life and change and growth."
"You're half in love with mortality." she said.
"And wholly in love with humanity."
"I hated them all." she said, "It was easier."
"Was it?" he said.
She shrugged. "No."
"I don't know what to do." he said.
"Yes, you do. You just struggle to make the final decision. You want someone to tell you what to do."
"Will you tell me what to do?"
"You'd do the opposite. I'm a demon."
"Probably." he conceded.
"So I strongly advise you to cut all ties with those you love and go silently and alone through whatever remains of your life."
"Are you attempting psychology on me?"
"I'm a projection from your mind. Would you attempt psychology on you?"
"I might. I can be devious."
"Castiel, you couldn't be devious if your life depended on it, which, by the way, it does."
"To everything turn, turn, turn, there is a season turn, turn, turn." Cas wondered whether Jules had chosen that for the alarm deliberately, but then he remembered that she used it a lot and it was probably her default.
He opened his eyes and found himself looking into hers. "I was dreaming." he said.
"Sorry." she said, "Do you need to go back to sleep?"
"No. It wasn't a good dream."
"I wish you'd have let me form a mind link with you, so I could help you deal with dreams. Though, it's probably a little late for that." He saw tears glitter in her eyes.
"I'm sorry." he said.
"Stop saying that. Don't waste the little time we have with guilt and regrets." She turned on the light.
"I never dreaded the approach of dawn before." he said, "I used to love the sunrise, but now, it will declare the start of the day when we say goodbye."
"And we'll have to tell Sam and Dean that nothing has changed."
"Yes."
"You're still sure this is necessary?" she said.
"I'm not sure of anything, but to change my mind now seems selfish and unwise."
"Maybe we could share the sunrise together, after we share a shower."
"My grace is sufficiently restored that I don't need a shower." he said.
"And you wouldn't like to share one with me?"
He avoided her eyes. "I would like it very much, but I'm not sure ... "
"Good. Then we'll do that. And the sunrise? Obviously, I don't want to do it if it means every sunrise will bring you unhappy memories."
"Every sunrise without you will be torture whether we share this last one or not. So I will do whatever makes this easier for you."
"We have about an hour before the sunrise. How would you like to spend it?"
He drew her into his arms. "Kissing." he said.
"Sounds good to me, but let me do some of the special kissing now. I don't think the Empty will take you for that."
"The lights could flicker." he said, "My grace is almost fully restored.
"Nobody's awake to see them." she said.