Huge apologies for the unexpected hiatus on this story, technical difficulties and real life issues prevented me from sticking to my normal schedule. Thanks for the continued support. Enjoy!

Chapter Ninety:

Yawning widely, Ichigo walked the streets in an absent-minded daze, enjoying the feeling of the sun on his skin but still cursing its heat as his short sleeve shirt stuck to him thanks to the thin layer of sweat caressing his skin. He'd give anything to be sat in Division Ten while Hitsugaya was in a foul mood just so he could feel the radiating coolness of the Shinigami's Zanpakutō. Or maybe asking Harribel to shoot him with her water power would be more beneficial and less likely to freeze him to death if the white haired Taichou grew distracted.

Sighing, he ran a hand through his hair, combing his spiky locks back in an effort to cool his face down. He was at something of a loose end. Chad was away for the week boxing in the next town over, Keigo had gone to visit his sister in Tokyo while he had the club refurbished, Mizuiro was busy with work and the Ishida's were enjoying a well earned day at the travelling carnival which had rolled into town overnight. He'd been tempted to join them, but recognised a family day out when he saw one, and thought better of it.

The days had melted into one and other again, tomorrow it would be his turn to take the Ishida children to school and to pick them up again. It was insane how much he relished the duty. He almost found himself regretful that his own chance of having children with Byakuya had been severed by his own humanity. He'd never considered himself to be overly parental, he was a brotherly figure at best... Sometimes an uncle figure where the twins were concerned. But... Never a father figure. It seemed foreign, strange.

"True enough." Byakuya pushed himself up and approached the strawberry haired Shinigami, resting his hands either side of him on the windowsill, pinning him in place, "Might I add, that to be even remotely capable of having a child both parents must be entirely able to control their reiatsu perfectly."

"Well obviously... Wait..." His eyes widened suddenly and he released a small gasp, "When we got engaged I couldn't control mine at all... But... I mean... You knew that and you still..."

"Yes." The nobleman's expression turned sweet, warm, "Despite knowing you could not control your reiatsu I agreed to marry you, even while knowing in your current state you'd be unable to perform the ritual to bare a child."

Of course, once they had returned from Hueco Mundo it would have been. His control had been perfect, perhaps even better than Byakuya's. But with the Winter War closing in on them so swiftly... The thought hadn't even crossed his mind. Now it would never happen. Not with Byakuya anyway.

Glancing at his surroundings, Ichigo felt his heart sink a little as he gazed across the brilliant display of flowers in his family's memorial garden. Somehow he'd found himself here more and more often. Longing for the past he could have had, as well as the future he never would. He sat on the bench silently, elbows resting on his knees as he rubbed his chin, there was a faint scratch of stubble under his fingertips.

There had been a few occasions where he believed he'd seen Yoruichi out on the streets. A black cat that seemed to stare at him for just a little bit too long. Yellow eyes following him just a little too long as he walked down the street. Understanding and knowingness that seemed just a little too intellectual for a normal household pet.

A dry sob broke free and he immediately grabbed his throat tightly, squeezing hard to prevent another sound escaping him. He couldn't break. He couldn't cry. He couldn't let it out, it would never stop. He would never stop if he started.

He left the garden without a backwards glance, he steps rushed.

He was a solider. Aizen had crafted him to be a warrior, ready for action, ready for orders, always on the move, always prepared, always willing. Those instincts didn't just disappear. That need for action didn't just fade away with the reality that he couldn't do the things he was used to doing anymore. It would probably always be ingrained in his skull, in his instincts. He would never be content to just sit and do nothing.

Ichigo stopped in the middle of the empty park. His expression pinched as his skin crawled and the hairs on the back of his neck rose to attention. He could almost picture the eyes boring into the back of his head.

"Well come on then!" Ichigo found himself shouting to the shadows cast by the trees, "If you want me then here I am! I can't fight back! I can't even see you! Do your worst!"

He spun on the spot, almost wishing to catch a glimpse of something from the corner of his eye but there was nothing. No one. There never was. Not anymore.

"What do you want from me?!" He barked, "Isn't this enough?! I've got nothing left for you to take! There's nothing here but scraps! Is that what you want?! The scraps?!"

Sucking in a breath, Ichigo's shoulders slumped. What was the use of shouting at something he couldn't see? Something he couldn't hear? Maybe there wasn't even anyone or anything there. Maybe he was just paranoid.

"Kurosaki?"

He turned on the spot, his expression turning to surprise as he saw Ishida walking towards him. The twins, and Orihime, were nowhere in sight, "What's wrong?" He asked, forcing his voice to calm.

"I could ask you the same question. Shouting at the heavens like that in broad daylight, you need to get a grip, Kurosaki." The Quincy said firmly, nudging his glasses up his nose.

"Tch. I can let off steam when I want to... I don't need your permission." He didn't mean for his voice to sound so venomous and yet he couldn't bring himself to apologise either.

"True. You don't need my permission. But you should be careful."

"Of what? Something I can't even see?" He muttered.

"Yes, but not only that..." The Quincy trailed off, eyes scanning his form for a long moment, "Kurosaki, I'm not one to pry but... I'm concerned for you."

"Concerned?"

"Mm. There is a strange aura around you, lingering around your body, clinging to your skin... I don't like it. It's like nothing I've ever felt before." Ishida hesitated, "I think you should be careful, even more so around people you don't really know."

Ichigo bristled immediately, "You mean Makoto?"

"How much do you really know about him? He appeared one day and ever since he's been popping up out of nowhere, getting closer and closer to you."

He scoffed in disbelief, his ire flaring instantly, "Is it so shocking that someone would take an interest in me?! Of course he keeps popping up, we exchanged numbers! We're friends! Friends spend time together!"

"And is it just friendship he's interested in?" Ishida's dark eyes were narrowed suspiciously.

"How dare you..." He growled out, fists clenching at his sides, "What business is it of yours anyway?! Do you expect me to sit back and spend the rest of my life alone?! Wishing for a dream to come true when it never... Ever... Will!"

"Kurosaki-"

"Shut up!" The strawberry snapped, "Who do you think you are to question the way I live my life? What is so wrong... With moving on? Why shouldn't I be able to have some carefree and unattached fun? Byakuya's quite clearly fucked off! It's perfectly clear that he isn't interested anymore! I'm not important anymore! I'm not wanted! I'm not taken! So I can do what and who I want!"

The Quincy's expression dropped, mouth falling open in surprise at his fury, "K-Kurosaki... You don't really think that, do you?"

"Why shouldn't I?!" He threw his hands up, "There's been no one... Nothing since the Espada came to see me... If Byakuya, or Renji, or Rukia cared half as much as they pretended to they would have come to see me!"

"They can't leave Seireitei!"

"The Espada did!" He shouted, "The Espada, who I barely lead for more than a few minutes, risked it! They came to see me! They came to check on me! But the love of my life? Nothing! Not even a note!"

"He still cares, I'm sure he does... Kurosaki surely you realise how difficult things must be over there-"

"I DON'T CARE!" The scream tore itself free before he could stop it, his breath catching in the aftermath, he swallowed hard and looked away, "I GAVE UP MY POWERS FOR THEM... I RISKED MY LIFE FOR THEM... I NEARLY DIED TRYING TO FINISH THE JOB THEY STARTED, AND FOR WHAT? FOR THIS?"

"I thought you gave it all up to protect the people you care about, call me old fashioned but surely that's better than the alternative." Ishida had started to sound irritated as well, posture changing, stiffening.

Ichigo stared at him, teeth clenched painfully as his jaw set in a tight line, "Saving my friends... Meant everything to me. But being discarded afterwards? Being ripped from everything I've ever known? You have no idea how much it hurts."

"Yes, I do."

"No you don't..." He whispered, looking away slowly, "After everything I've done... After everyone I've hurt... I thought that I could cleanse myself by defeating Aizen. I thought that if I did that... If I put it all right... Maybe I'd find some peace. But instead all I feel is turmoil... A churning... An icy cold fist in the pit of my belly... Freezing me from the inside out. I almost wish I could return to feeling nothing... Because at least then I could cope with this... This... Sickness."

"Kurosaki..." The pity in Ishida's voice was thick, "You need to sit back and have a proper think... You must know deep down that your friends would never abandon you. This... This Makoto is dripping poison in your ears. He doesn't know your friends, he doesn't know what you've been through together."

"Stop it." Ichigo scowled at him, taking a few short steps forwards as he reached out and grabbed a fistful of his childhood friend's jacket, "Stop. It. Stop pitying me. Stop trying to understand. You will never understand! Makoto is my friend! At least I don't have to worry that he's keeping tabs on me!"

The Quincy's eyes widened, gripping the strawberry's wrist firmly, "What are you talking about?"

"Do you think I haven't noticed?!" He barked, quaking with anger, "I've seen the way you look at me! I've seen the way 'Hime looks at me! Like you're expecting me to snap! You're watching my every move! Every little expression I make! I can't breathe around any of you! You've even got your kids watching me!"

"Kurosaki that's not-"

"DON'T LIE TO ME!"

Ishida snapped his mouth shut immediately, falling silent for a long moment before he spoke again, "We are your friends, Ichigo... We are your friends!"

"No... You're not." He said quietly, releasing his grasp slowly as he took a step back, looking at the Quincy in disgust, "If you were really my friend... You'd accept my choices. You'd believe that I can cope. You wouldn't have your kids spy on me to make sure I was getting on alright."

"You don't mean that."

"I do! I do mean it!" He bit his lip hard and looked away, shaking his head as he blew out a hard breath.

"I don't trust Makoto, I don't trust his motives... I'm worried about your safety. Ichigo please listen to me." Ishida whispered, eyebrows furrowing.

"I don't need your permission to live my life, I don't need your worry. Keep your nose... Out of my business, Ishida." He snarled.

The Quincy fell silent for a long moment before drawing his shoulders back with a reluctant sigh, "Very well... If you are so set on this course of action... You leave me no choice..." Ishida's expression turned to stone as he spoke, "Until you open your eyes and stop being a danger to yourself and those around you... You are no longer welcome in my home... And you are no longer welcome to spend time with my children."

Ichigo's chest tightened, eyes widening as he stared at his childhood friend, "I would never hurt Kaida or Hotaru!"

"As long as you choose to spend time with people I cannot trust... I cannot trust you with their safety. My children are my life, Kurosaki, and I will protect them above everything else." The man looked down, "Even you."

He felt like he'd been punched in the chest, his heart throbbing painfully at the idea of being separated from the twins for any length of time. They were little sunbeams, little rays of joy in the darkness... They brought a smile to his face, a brightness to his Soul. They'd kept him going. Kept him... Sane.

"Fine." He snarled in spite of himself, eyes turning cold, "I don't need you. I don't need any of you!"

"I wish that was true."

"FUCK YOU!"

Ichigo turned his back on the Quincy and stalked away, each footstep heavy against the pavement as he shoved his hands deeper into his pockets. Trying to stop them shaking by balling them into tight fists. He barely made it to stairway up to his apartment before his legs gave out and he crumpled on the bottom step, holding his head in his hands as he released a frustrated howl.

Why was Ishida being such an asshole?! Why couldn't he understand what he was going through?! Surely he knew he'd never hurt the twins... Surely he knew how much they meant to him... Why... Why would he take that away from him? All because of Makoto? It was stupid! Ishida was stupid! They were all fucking stupid!

He half crawled up the stairs, unlocking the door to his apartment as he fell through it. His anger grew as he stormed through the rooms, finding himself in the living room, his eyes fixated on the samurai mask on the wall opposite him.

Stupid mask. Stupid apartment. Stupid town.

This was what he'd given everything up for?! A poxy town in the ass end of nowhere filled with people that meant nothing! People that knew nothing!

With a flurry of unhindered fury, Ichigo gripped the edge of the coffee table and lifted with all his might, hurling it across the room, he barely flinched when the wood splintered against the wall. His fingers found the couch, tearing into the fabric as he threw the cushions aside, hitting and kicking and yelling as he grabbed the edge of the bookshelf, smashing it into the ground as books and ornaments scattered in a crash of paper and fragile glass.

Fist clenched, thrown forwards, he watched with glazed eyes as that stupid samurai mask broke beneath his strength, knuckles bursting part way through the wall before the pain could even register.

Gasping as sharpness shot up his hand and forearm, settling at the elbow before jarring up into the shoulder, his fingers opened limply and Ichigo staggered out of the living area and into the bathroom. He hunched over the sink basin, letting out a loud and agonised wail as he caught sight of himself in the mirror.

His eyes were wild, unhinged, full of a crazed rage he believed only Shiro would have known. His skin was damp from sweat, a cut above his eyebrow. He didn't remember getting injured... Maybe the bookshelf had struck him on the way down. But those eyes... Those violent, angry eyes... He felt himself longing for black and gold. For the unrelenting power of Hollowfication. For blood. Chaos. Instinct. Passion. Pain.

He should have left Shiro in control. He should never have come back from the depths of Hell.

The mirror shattered under his tightly clenched fingers, blood splashing the white enamel as he stared at the jagged fragments of glass protruding from his skin. The pain didn't reach him. It wasn't enough. Nothing was enough. He wanted... He needed the pain.

He sank to his knees, panting hard. Trying to contain the sobs. Trying to contain the tears. He wouldn't cry. Not because of Ishida. Not because of Byakuya. Not for anyone.

"I-Ichigo?" Makoto was stood in the bathroom door staring at him with wide eyes, "What... What the fuck happened?!"

Ichigo felt himself being dragged to his feet, warm hands covering his own as the glass shards were pulled from his skin, he stared silently at the man's chest. He didn't want to meet his eyes, didn't want to answer his questions. But... He had questions of his own.

"How did you get in?" He croaked out.

"I-Idiot... You left the door wide open!" The dark haired man replied, "I heard you yelling from outside! It looks like a bomb went off... What happened? Ichigo?"

"Don't want to talk about it."

"Tough!" Makoto's voice was sharp, "What happened to make you this... Angry?"

He sucked in a breath, finally forcing himself to look up at his face. He felt his throat tighten immediately. His jade eyes were so wide, so full of concern and worry and fear. Not fear towards him, the fear was for him.

"I... Had a fight with Ishida." He found himself saying, "He's... He's told me I can't see the twins anymore."

"What? Why?!"

He clicked his tongue against his teeth, "He doesn't like you. And he doesn't like how much time we're spending together."

The man seemed to spluttered, taken aback, "But I... I've never even met him! Not properly anyway, I don't think that night at the club really counts... What have I done to... I don't understand!"

Ichigo tutted, pulling his hand free from Makoto's grasp as he stepped over the broken glass on the bathroom floor and glanced towards the desecrated living space, "Don't worry about it... I won't be. I've spent too much time worrying about the wrong things recently."

"What do you mean?" Makoto was just behind him.

The strawberry hesitated before answer, his eyes still swirling with the same darkness, "I mean... I'm back on the table. If you're still interested."

"What?"

"It's really not that complicated." He tilted his head, staring at the hole in the wall and the fragments of mask on the floor, "When we met in the club you wanted to know if I was single... You wanted a one night stand. Well, now I want the same thing."

"Ichigo, I-"

"I have two rules." He sucked in a breath, "One, you leave when we're done, you don't sleep in my bed. Two, you don't fuck anyone else while you're fucking around with me."

His heart was pounding in his chest, eyes narrowed as he slowly looked over his shoulder at the other man. Makoto's expression seemed stuck somewhere between surprise and arousal, but there was still that lingering concern in his eyes.

"What? You're going to act all innocent, like you haven't wanted me since the night we met?" He snarled.

"I have wanted you... And I've waited until a time when you were perhaps ready to move on. But... This isn't it, Ichigo." The darker haired man tilted his head, "I don't want to become an unhealthy outlet for your anger and grief, I want you to want me because... You like me. Wasn't that Ishida's whole point? Me being... Unhealthy for you?"

The strawberry stopped and stared at him, mouth slowly falling slack as his shoulders slumped. He couldn't remember the last time anyone had turned him down. He couldn't remember the last time someone had rejected him, or his body. It was... Oddly humbling. And in exchange for being humbled, he felt his anger beginning to ebb away in the wake of embarrassment and regret.

"I..." He paused, swallowing hard, "I'm sorry. It... It was wrong of me to... I would have been using you... That's not... You deserve more than that."

"Yes, you would have. And yes, I do." Makoto folded his arms and sighed deeply, "Dear me, what are we going to do with you?"

"Put me down like a wild dog?" He snorted humourlessly.

"Tch. Don't talk like that." The other man shook his head, "I know you're hurting, and I know it must be hard to have your friend forbid you from seeing the twins... You love them so much. But if you give into this rage... Ishida will never let you see them again."

Ichigo looked down, shame tickling around the edges of his heart, "I'm a mess."

"You are." A heavy sigh, "But... Not irreparable. Not yet."

There was a heavy moment of silence between them. Ichigo slowly scanning the utter destruction of his apartment, Makoto scanning the cracks forming in the young man before him. It was uncomfortable, awkward and unpleasant.

"Ichigo," Makoto broke the muted atmosphere, "I don't know exactly what you've been through, and I feel like... Maybe it's something I wouldn't understand, and maybe that's why you haven't tried to tell me. But... I can see that it's still hurting you, even after all these months, and that tells me it must have been pretty bad. But... Eventually you've got to move on, Ichigo. It's poisoning you. If you let it, it will destroy you."

"You seem to think I'm not already broken." He turned around finally and looked at him properly, "But, deep down I know you're right. I just don't know how to let go."

"You don't have to let go, we all have baggage, every single one of us. It's about remembering that we packed up that baggage for a reason."

"I guess so." Ichigo heaved a sigh again, rubbing his arms restlessly, "Why are you here Makoto... Even now, seeing all this... Seeing what I'm like, how damaged I am... Why are you still here?"

"I-I thought it would be obvious." Green eyes twinkled with a slight edge of cheek and mischief, "I'm still hoping you'll fall for me."

"Wow... Maybe we both need our heads testing then." He felt his ill mood finally slipping away, it would return eventually but... For now it had passed.

Makoto's tone was light-hearted and carefree, but a little reserved, "Can I ask you something?"

Ichigo tilted his head slightly, nodding once, "Yeah."

"I've... Been hesitant to pry before, but I think I've seen you at your worst now... The scar... On your neck... It looks like a blade of some kind caused it... Are you alright?"

He had to fight not to flinch, not to touch his throat, he swallowed, "I'm alright now. I was attacked, a long time ago now. I try not to think about it."

"Fuck... That must have been rough. I hope you didn't mind me asking."

"I think you earned the right to poke when you were pulling glass out of my hand." He shrugged, "Thanks, for turning me down before. I would have regretted using you like that..."

Makoto flashed a small smile, "Believe me, under normal circumstances I would have been thrilled by such a proposition, especially with such an exciting hint of danger about it. But... It was not the right time. Besides, the best things are worth waiting for."

Ichigo shoved his hands in his pockets, leaning against the wall, "It might be a long wait."

"I know. But... You defending our friendship today when it was questioned, you risked falling out with someone you've known for far longer than you've known me, that tells me that there is hope." He reached out, gently brushing a couple of strands of messy orange hair out of Ichigo's eyes.

"Mm. Ishida will have told 'Hime by now, and probably Chad, and the others... I doubt any of them will be overly pleased with me." He bit his lip, "Things are going to be really quiet for a few days."

"Well, if they choose to side with Ishida and abandon you... You'll still have me. I'm not going anywhere. Not matter what."

Chestnut eyes flicked up to Makoto's green ones, "Huh... You really mean that."

He chuckled, "Sure do. Besides, there's worse things in Hell than the two of us having to spend all that time alone together."

"Wow, we need to do something about that ego... It's gonna get out of hand." Ichigo smiled weakly.