Chapter 91.
The advantage of the return of his grace and with it his intense reaction to physical stimuli was that the kissing and then the special kissing drove other thoughts out of Castiel's head. At the back of his mind, he knew the end of his happiness was hurtling closer, but every conscious thought was exalting in the physical sensations as they gave in, as far as they dared, to their physical desires.
Afterwards, as he lay dazed in her embrace, barely aware of where he was and caring only that she was close, he reached out to take her hand and their fingers entwined and it was at that moment that his heart lurched and he remembered that this was their last chance to be together. He tried to speak, but the words lay tangled in his throat. There was nothing he could say that would bring peace or acceptance or even closure to either of them.
She touched his lips with her finger and said, "It's okay."
He knew it wasn't okay for her. She knew it wasn't okay for him.
She let go of his hand and left the bed, gathering their clothes. "Get dressed." she said, "We can take our shower before anyone gets up."
He dressed quickly, still unable to say anything. As she opened the door, she pulled him close for a kiss and he tasted a thousand things in that kiss, but mostly heartbreak, because now, their kisses were limited in number and one of them would be the last, ever.
His clothes were rarely in disarray, whether he were wearing them or not, but now they left all their clothes in one heap in the shower room, their shoes on the floor, hers on top of his. He found himself envying his shoes, because they had no idea that this would never happen again.
As soon as the water was warm, she took his hands and led him into the shower and there they fooled around as if it were not the last time they would be anything close to lovers. The touch of her hands, the feel of her body pressed against his back, the warmth and pressure of the water that seemed so important to humans, were all driving him mad with a sensory crescendo that was blotting out his thoughts again.
He wondered why humans bothered with alcohol when they had access to sex. He smiled at the thought of what Dean would say to him considering this innocent shower sex, but it was powerfully erotic to him. She ran a hand down his arm and stroked her fingers over his hand and he tried to remember what he had been thinking, but it was gone.
Then she was in front of him, kissing him, whispering her love, crying freely, because she thought the water hid her tears, as if he could not see each one well up and fall as she grieved for the loss to come and he tried to understand how he had come to have such value to her.
She must have seen how dazed he still was. She took him out of the shower and dried him with a towel, then sorted his clothes from hers and gave them to him. Soon, they were both dressed and they headed for the bunker's main door. As they opened it, they heard Dean shout, "Where are you going?" and Jules shouted back, "To watch the sunrise. Any chance of some breakfast?"
"On it!" said Dean. It was hard to tell what he was thinking, but the fact that he had clearly been listening for the door was troubling.
Jules took his arm and led him outside, shutting the door firmly behind them. The sky was grey. Sunrise was close and for the first time in his life, Cas hated it. The time had come. It was morning and when the sun was fully up, they must go in there and be Castiel, sole and lonely angel no longer of the Lord and Jules, the unattached survivor of a dead world. His feet moved with the graceful alacrity of lumps of rock. His favourite place here now held no appeal, because it would be where they had to say goodbye.
"It gets more difficult, the nearer it comes." she said.
"Yes." he said.
"I hoped, all along, that it might not come to this."
"As soon as I belonged to the Empty, I could no longer be with you." he said.
They started to walk up the hill. He took his strength and courage from her. Somehow, she was strong enough for both of them, although there were tears rolling down her cheeks again.
"I would have done anything to spare you pain." he said.
"There was never any chance of that." she said, "In sacrificing yourself, you would always have destroyed me, but I have no idea what else you could have done. I don't blame you. I never will. Just don't take my memories."
"Are you sure, because when this is over ... "
"When I met you, I had nothing. The death of my world destroyed me. I survived by chance ... or mischance and survival became a habit I couldn't break, but I was almost dead inside, lost in the dark. Then I found you, a point of light, something to live for, to believe in. What we've been to each other is precious to me. Don't take it away."
"No. I won't." he promised. As they reached his favourite spot among the trees, he took her hand and said, "Whatever happens, I regret the pain I caused you, but I will never regret loving you."
The sun was now a golden glow, low on the horizon. As it broke through and rose into the sky, they kissed as if they had been apart a thousand years. Then, they clung to each other and his tears fell as freely as hers.
"If there were any other way ... " he said.
"I know, but I respect your decision, even if I don't agree with it."
"This feels like a worse death than any I have undergone. Somehow, I will have to learn to live without you. It should be easy. We've only been together for months, not centuries, but when I let go, all that I am or could have been will die."
"Same here." she said and she hugged him more tightly.
"But we have no choice." he said, as the sun's light bathed them in gold.
"I know you would stay with me if you could." she said.
He thought of his dream and of Meg, saying the things she had said. "I have thought about this until it broke my mind. Still nothing."
She stepped back from him, wiping her eyes and straightened his collar. "Okay, we need to look sane and calm before we go in there and pretend we're fine with this."
"Dean will ask more questions, specifically one question, over and over."
"He asks because he loves you." she said and Cas heard the effort under the words, her attempt to strengthen the rest of his support system because he would no longer have her.
"I wish he would stop asking. I've begged him to stop asking."
"He can't stop loving you any more than I can." she said. The light shone on her lovely face and she looked like a statue of a goddess, all beauty and wisdom and benevolence, when she had every right to hate him.
"And I will have to keep refusing to answer, which he will always hear as a cruel rejection." he said.
"I know one thing that would stop him asking forever." she said.
"Killing Dean is not an option." he said with a weak smile.
"If we were back together, his curiosity would vanish."
The words pulled at his heart. It was what he wanted more than anything and she was offering a way to say it was for Dean, but it still meant dragging her through all the misery to come.
"Not possible." he said, "I am as good as dead. I won't drag you down with me."
"Together or apart, it won't change how I feel when you're taken." she said, "The choice is not whether or not you break my heart, but whether we can comfort each other on the road to Perdition. And we don't know how long that road may be."
"So we don't know what you will have to endure on it." he said.
"A simple choice. I lose you once, when the Empty takes you, or I lose you every time I open my eyes."
"If I get too happy ... "
"Last night didn't do it. Besides, you freak out over burning the toast. Perfect happiness is unlikely for you."
"After all I've done, you still want to walk the road to Perdition with me?"
"Anywhere." she said, "I wish I could go to the Empty with you."
"I'm very glad that you can't."
She took his hand. "It's still your decision, but if we say we're back together, the Winchesters won't need all the information. If you want to keep it all from them, this is the quickest and easiest way."
"It won't be easy for you." he said.
"What? You think saying goodbye to you would be?"
They kissed again in the glow of golden light and he thought of Meg and Kelly and wondered whether, maybe, the thing he most wanted could be the right thing to do.