Chapter 92.
As soon as Cas stepped into the kitchen, Sam and Dean turned to look at him and he felt the weight of the questions they were trying hard not to ask. He almost wanted to walk back out, but Jules took his arm and he felt more able to speak. "I'm glad you're both here," he said, "Because I have something to tell you. Jules and I are back together."
"Yes!" said Dean. He hurried over. "It's so good to hear that! It's the best thing, for both of you."
"For everyone, I think." said Cas.
"Yeah, definitely. It's the right decision. You know that, yes?"
"I'm almost certain." said Cas.
"Almost?" said Sam.
Dean waved away his concerns. "Angel. There always has to be a disclaimer in there somewhere. He's certain." He looked into Cas's eyes and said, "Right?"
"Right." said Cas, "I honestly thought the separation was the right thing to do ... "
"I know you did."
"Now that it's over, could we not talk about it ever again?" said Cas.
Dean put his hand on Cas's shoulder. "It's fine. I'm not gonna gloat and try to make you feel bad. I know you did what you did because it felt right and you always try to do what's right, but you decided it's not right for you or Jules, so you changed your mind."
"Yes."
"And that's something I can respect. It's in your nature to lock into a course of action and never question it. That's an angel thing. But you? You questioned it. You thought about it. You pulled out of the nosedive and for that, you get extra syrup on your pancakes."
"I'm not very hungry." said Cas.
"I didn't ask if you were hungry. You like pancakes."
"I do like pancakes." said Cas, who actually didn't care much for pancakes or any other food, but deeply loved knowing that one of the plates on the counter had been made for him, by his best friend, because he mattered.
Dean went over to get the plates. Then he turned back and said, "If you're not hungry, does that mean your grace is replenishing?"
"Almost at full power now." said Cas. It felt good to be able to say things that were making Dean feel better, not worse.
Dean put the plates of pancakes on the table for Cas and Jules. As Jules sat down, he patted her shoulder and said, "I don't know what you said or did, but thanks."
"I think you did more than I could." she said, "The things you said made a difference."
"Extra syrup for you too." he said, keeping his tone light, but Cas heard the catch in his voice and knew that he had needed to hear that.
Sam looked a little doubtful, but was trying not to. As he ate the pancakes, laden with syrup, Cas noticed how drained both of them looked. "Did either of you sleep?" he said.
"What?" said Dean, "Yes, of course! Sam got up early to do the inventory and I ... Well, I often wake early. It's a hunter thing."
They'd stayed up. All night. Because they loved him so much. He wanted to tell them what that meant to him, but first, he would have to call Dean a liar, so instead, he nodded and pretended to believe the lie and ate his pancakes.
"Who wants coffee?" said Sam and everyone's hand went up.
When the warm cup was in his hands, Cas couldn't help thinking of the past couple of days. Weak, through his own actions, of which they disapproved, he had felt very vulnerable and they had fed him and watched over him as he slept and put aside their hurt and anger to give him their support. He wanted to hug them and thank them for everything that warm cup represented, but he felt the underlying longing to tell them the whole truth and ask for their help and he knew he must not do that. Instead, he thanked Sam for the coffee, giving the simple, "Thanks, Sam." the power of a long speech in his own head.
Sam looked at him in surprise, as if he heard some hint of that speech. "No problem." he said. He sat at the table with them. "It's so great that you two are okay. Can you tell us now ... "
"Not important." said Dean quickly, "Nothing matters but that they're together again."
Jack came in and Dean said, "Hey, Jack, guess who's back together!"
The smile on Jack's face was beautiful. He looked to Cas for confirmation and at his nod, turned to Jules, who stood up to hug him. "It's true." she said.
"That's great! That's perfect!" said Jack. He stepped back from the hug and said to Cas, "It's the right decision. It is."
"I hope so." said Cas. Again, Sam looked at him with concern and he said, "I think so."
Jules put her hand on his and that helped. He still felt bad about making her stay with him as he headed inexorably to the Empty and his endless fate, but she had chosen that path with her eyes open and her argument that she would still suffer even if they were not together and may even suffer more had been persuasive.
"It is right." he said, "Though I feel I have no right to ask her to be stuck with me."
Dean gripped his shoulder from behind and said, "Listen, Cas, you deserve love. Everyone in this room loves you and whatever you're going through, we need to help. You're not asking Jules for anything. You're trusting her. You're letting her be in your life. I hope you'll find room for the rest of us there as well."
"That's right." said Sam, "You keep trying to push us all away, like you're scared we can't handle it, but we've been through a lot, over the years and you went through most of it with us. You never once backed away because it was too hard. We're not backing away from you." He put his hand for a moment on Cas's wrist and Cas imagined the immense strength and courage of Sam Winchester pouring into him from that hand.
"You should call Sarah." said Dean, "The library's empty."
"Does that mean you want to talk behind my back?" said Cas, turning to look at him.
Dean smirked, "You're improving, Captain Subtext. Does it bother you?"
"Nothing much bothers me today." said Cas, looking at Jules and then Jack.
"Go make Sarah happy." said Dean, "I promise we won't talk smack about you. After all, when fully-charged, your hearing is ridiculously good."
Cas stood and Jack hugged him. "Congratulations!" he said.
Cas stayed in the hug a moment, feeling the honest love of the son for whom he had sacrificed forever. Before he let go, he whispered, "You are worth everything."