Chapter 93: Breaking up with Jamie
Sorry for the long delay, things have happened and I'm snowed under with work. I want to finish this story first and work on my others including Sanctuary.
Please leave a review if you like this chapter or even if you don't.
Daryl
I just ran out of that house, still in shock. Couldn't believe that it had really happened. When I heard him call after me and even though he sounded like he was sorry, I only ran faster. I knew where I was going – probably so did Jamie but he didn't come running after me luckily.
Yeah, big deal. Jamie tied me up when I was sleeping and I'd woken up terrified, just like with him. But maybe that was all my fault because he wasn't to know. I should have trusted him enough by now and I knew he suspected…he'd asked me and asked me but somehow every time I tried to tell him about it, my throat would close up and I simply couldn't get the words out.
He said he wanted to help me…get over who ever put those scars on my back. He did love me – no-one else who didn't would have had the patience to wait so long and be so understanding at my little freak-outs. Yet why had he taken advantage of me like that when I was sleeping? Twice. When I was most vulnerable. I'd never be able to trust him ever again. I knew how he felt about being the receiver, it didn't feel right to him because he was older and I knew that he liked to be in charge. Normally, I didn't mind and played along as long as he didn't go that far.
Do the one thing that I couldn't bear anyone other than my brother doing. Even when Merle did it, when he went inside me first was the worst, bringing back memories of our father and I'd have to grit my teeth and try not to tense up and make it worse. I'd hear the bastard's voice in my head, crooning to me and calling me all kinds of filthy shit even though the evil bastard was dead. I could only hang on for the pleasure to come because he was my brother and he knew. I could only trust him, thought I might have eventually been able to let Jamie, I just needed more time but part of me couldn't blame him completely. I mean shouldn't 2 years be long enough? Couldn't blame him really, was surprised he hadn't given up on me already.
Part of me feared that I would never be able to let anyone in and finish until they came and enjoy it except my own brother. But being helpless and tied-up had been the worst experience of my life. Dad did it to me and now my boyfriend had done the same, breaking his promise and making me remember everything. How could he? Even if did untie me after and didn't make me do it restrained.
But then a small voice whispered inside me, then why did he make you to call him 'Daddy' while he did it to you if he guessed what that bastard did? How sadistic was that?
I felt my legs start to tremble, slowing my running pace down.
Yet I told myself that I couldn't blame him, weren't like we only just got together – far from it and I only reluctantly let him do that occasionally. No wonder he'd eventually snapped. Hadn't done anything I didn't want and I could have got off him anytime if I didn't like it. Not like he pinned me down like he did.
Then why was I shaking and feeling so dirty and used? Just like after him? I had to hold back a whimper even as I felt the disgusting trickles of blood seeping through my underwear down to my pants. Hadn't felt that for a long time and it freaked the hell out of me. My legs finally gave way and I slid to the ground just in front of the phone kiosk despite my fear of Jamie catching up with me.
'I'm gonna see you bleed, son, by the time I'm done with you.' I heard him pant filthily in my ear. He was on top of me and inside me even as I desperately tried to buck him off. Panting out his obscene names for me between his deliberately painful thrusts that made me feel like I was being ripped apart. As usual, I grit my teeth and tried not make a sound – didn't want my father to know how much he was hurting me, worse than he'd done.
'Get off me!' I clasped my head with both hands and yelled to no-one in particular. It had taken me a few seconds to remember where and when I was with relief. 'You're dead, bastard – get out of my head!'
I took a deep breath and tried to get my trembling hands to calm down enough to call my brother. I got up shakily and approached the phone box – jingling the coins in my pocket. Luckily, I had just about enough with nothing else except the clothes on my back. Merle was going to know something bad happened and he was going to go ballistic.
He was going to kill Jamie!
'That you, Darlena?' He drawled out before I even spoke, sounding pleasantly surprised. It was a Thursday after all, not a weekend day when Jamie said I could visit him.
'Pick me up.' I gabbled into the pay phone as I looked nervously out of the glass door. 'Now.' I almost still half-expecting to see Jamie coming at me.
'You, OK?' I could hear the protective concern in his voice and it made me just want to run to him.
But I didn't answer.
'What happened? Did he do somethin'?' His voice started to rise dangerously as he cottoned on.
'I'm fine…but…' My voice failed me as the bleeping started, telling me I'd nearly run out of money. 'Don't ask questions. I'll tell you later. Please! Just come and get me right now! I'm in the field near ..!'
My brother knew about the phone box. I'd taken to phoning him on it lately when Jamie was around. He was reluctant to let me go out on my 'walks' when I said I needed some space and had felt his eyes boring into my back but I didn't let that stop me. He probably knew I was calling my brother but he didn't say anything. But it was all in his eyes when I got back.
Accusatory but indulgent at the same time…
I wrapped my arms around myself when all I longed for were my brother's to make me feel safe and clean again.
It was true that my relationship with Jamie was having problems and Merle didn't bother to hide his glee each time I called. 'Does he know you're calling me on here? Why don't you use his house phone? Or even better – use his flashy satellite brick and make him pay the bill.' He'd chuckle in that big brother condescending way that made me want to punch him if he'd been there.
But something told me that he wasn't going to laugh about this. No way.
I guess it was the relief knowing my brother was finally on his way, I slammed the phone down and sank to the bottom of the kiosk and like a pussy and finally gave into the humiliation and fear washing over me. I could still hear the things he was saying to me before I agreed to what he wanted just to make him take off the ropes ...Well, part of me had been willing up to that point until he grabbed me and got rough and he hurt me. And I just froze...I was such a pussy.
I buried my head in my knees and wept pathetically like I wasn't a Dixon even though my now ex-boyfriend could catch me any minute. I didn't even have the strength to drag myself up and hide in the woods until my brother came. Part of me knew I should control myself and I felt ashamed of being so weak.
Daryl
'Your face!' was the first thing he said to me as he rubbed around the red marks, not quite bruises with his knuckles. 'He split you lip! Did he make you cry, too?' He tipped up my chin gently to search my eyes.
'Gave just good as I got.' I sniffed and looked away.
'Don't care. Nobody hits my baby brother. No matter who he thinks he is or how much money he's got...I'm gonna go back in there and give him some of his own medicine.' He started the engine furiously.
Oh no. He doesn't even know the full picture and he already wants to kill him. I put hand on his arm. 'No, don't! He never hit me before! Not..not really! I hit him a few times too! And I'm tellin' you I'm leavin' him for good.
'Well, it must have been a pretty big fight. What was it about, huh?' I could tell that he was smirking, he was happy about it underneath his obvious worry for me. He'd never liked him and now he thought he had me all to himself.
So, he thought.
He revved up the engine again and deliberately faced the road ahead as we drove away. Even so, I could sense, even if I couldn't see it, the smile as big as the Cheshire's cat's all over his face.
I shivered because he would want the same thing from me that Jamie always did, I could see the desire in his eyes when he took his eye off the wheel to glance at me every now and then.
'So, tell Uncle Merle what happened.' He coaxed after 20 minutes of silence.
'Nothin'.' I wasn't ready to tell him, if ever. 'Jus' guess I finally saw through him, is all.' If only I had sooner before he got to do what he did
'Maybe it's for the best.' Merle replied, graciously for him without any 'Told you so's' or sounding too pleased with himself.
I looked away and rubbed my wrists which were chafed raw. I'd only just noticed how sore and angry they looked and I wasn't the only one.
The car screeched to a holt off into a convenient layby accompanied by the screeches and swearing of the other drivers in protest.
'Merle! You nearly got us killed!'
He didn't reply but he clenched the steering-wheel so tightly until his knuckles paled and he rounded on me.
'He tie you up?' His voice was tight with suppressed rage.
'Yeah, but I wanted it.' I gulped and looked down.
'Liar! Is that what this is about, huh?'
'No, but…'
'Never let me tie you up.' He griped under his breath. Even at a time like this, he was still one possessive, jealous bastard. 'I know you, Daryl. I know what he did to you, remember! You would never let no one else…'
'Well, it ain't the same. You're my brother.'
'What the hell difference does that make? Don't make sense.' He asked outrageously and pulled me close.
I pushed him away in irritation. 'Just take me home, Merle.' I slumped against my seat.
He took one look at me and did as I asked.
As soon as they got in through the door, Merle immediately got beers out of the fridge and the little plastic bag of weed to roll some joints. He intended to soften up his little brother to calm him and get him to talk and then, if things went his way, maybe Daryl would let him make him feel all better.
'Hey, do you want a cold one and a …' But his hopes were dashed when Daryl shoved him aside to rush up to the bathroom. Minutes later, Merle heard him curse loudly that the water was taking too long to heat up.
He followed his brother, heart heavy in his legs. If he'd any doubt why Daryl had run back to him then, it was brutally dashed.
'Daryl?'
No answer but he thought he heard a muffled whimper and the water running.
'Daryl? What did he do to you?' He pressed in a soft voice to hide the blind rage he was feeling.
He only heard an inaudible mumble in reply.
'Answer me!' He asked a little more demandingly this time.
'Nothin'.' But his voice was thick with emotion like he was hiding back tears.
'I'm coming in.'
'No! Don't! It was just a stupid argument, was all. It was all my fault!'
Merle generously gave him half a minute while he rapidly tore off his own clothes before he barged in and tore the shower curtain away. Probably not the best approach but he was worried out of his mind for him.
Daryl cowered back, even from him and looked up at him from under his adorable thick lashes but his eyes were trying to evade his before he turned his back on him. He hugged himself tightly while he shivered.
He turned around then and frantically attacked the tap. 'So cold, Merle. Why's it so cold in here?'
It was June yet his brother was freezing. And it didn't escape Merle how hard it was for him to turn up the hot water with his hands were shaking so much.
'Damn it! Shit…' The younger Dixon protested.
Darlena? Look at me, baby.' His older brother put a hand on his shoulder to steady him.
'Here, let me try.' Merle removed his grip on him and did it easily. Then he drew him into his arms and felt him slump against him and drop the small pumice stone he'd been scrubbing himself raw with.
Merle hadn't noticed and he'd already built up quite a lather. 'Sh…Sh…It's OK, you're safe now.' He soothed.
His older brother took the opportunity to discretely check him over. No new marks except the scars the belt had made and the other ones like the cigarette burns and knife cuts that he already knew about. They both had those after all. After a while of clinging onto him, the younger man sighed and pushed him away.
Then Merle saw it. Blood trickling down his thighs. How could he have missed it? He was bleeding quite badly and making the foam he'd been desperately lathering all over himself a pinkish colour., confirming what he feared.
He didn't know why the hell he was so shocked. Not after the way his brother was acting.
'Merle…' He started to stammer. 'It ain't what you think…I like it rough.' He beamed up at him hopefully.
Merle almost shook him. 'Yeah, I know you do but I never made you bleed! Fucking hell, baby bro, you should have kept me as the only one you let fuck you. You're still jus' a kid…'
His face changed then as he snarled back, 'You'd like that, wouldn't you? Besides, I ain't no kid no more in case you hadn't noticed, I'm 20! Anyway, you're…you're pretty rough too, Merle!'
'Yeah, but only because you want me to be…He's 34, for fuck's sake!'
'Better shut up now, Merle! That didn't stop you! I was only 16!'
'I'm not 34!'
'33. He's still only 33.'
'Don't give a shit.'
Daryl sighed.
'He really hurt you, huh, little brother? Don't even bother trying to deny it.'
He nodded and shuddered against his chest.
The defeated way he was acting enraged Merle who vowed to make Jamie pay. Jesus, how much can someone go through in their life and he was still barely only out of his teens! But he didn't let his little brother know. Didn't want to scare him.
Besides, he needed to know what exactly happened and how it did.
Merle
I dried him off and took him into my arms. He slumped willingly enough into them, not even protesting that I was treating him like a baby. Then I dried myself and put some shorts on. After that, I manoeurved us onto the bed with him lying on top of me. But I didn't care not when he was hurting.
I held him close to me, still wrapped up in that towel.
'Does it still hurt?'
He nodded. We both knew I wasn't talking about his face. 'A bit. But it's fadin''.
'Must've really hurt you pretty badly then, huh?'
His face crumbled before he nodded and looked down. Like it was his fault. Flashes of that same look he wore around our father when I didn't see!
'Tell me what he did, Darlena. It's OK.'
He tried, oh he did try but just like with Dad, he couldn't get the words out and blushed. 'Them things between him and me are private, Merle…'
'Then…show me!' I ordered.
He looked confused. 'How?' He shrugged then shook his head.
'He tied me up while I was asleep, OK!', he blurted.
'That when he did that to your face? When you couldn't fight back?'
'Yeah. But he let me go in the end!'
'Why did he hit you?'
'Because I wouldn't do it. Said didn't Dad slap me sometimes?'
The other clenched his fist and growled. 'Did you tell him about him?' He spat.
'No! He doesn't know. I wouldn't tell him what he did to both of us. Especially how he liked to punish me towards the end. He slapped me mainly 'cos I wouldn't say yes…' His voice faltered. 'Jus' kept tellin' him to let me go!' He punched the air angrily.
I stared at him confused. I didn't want to come across as an insensitive ass but…
'Wait a minute. He untied you? Then, he didn't…' I struggled to keep the judgement out of my voice but I didn't understand.
He struggled to find his voice. 'He did but only after I agreed to let him…'
'Let him do what?'.
He didn't have the words to go on. So, he straddled me and started moving on top of me with only my thin summer shorts between us. Believe me when I say it took me all my self-restraint not to throw him down and do what that bastard did to him, minus the pain and the bleeding, of course. Worse, the little minx knew it, laughing at me, even daring me to when he knew I wouldn't. Teasing me even through his tears, testing me.
Somehow, I managed to keep my hands planted firmly at my sides but it was pure hell as he tested the very limits of my self- control. If I lost it now…
My body let out an unwilling deep groan of disappointment when he mercifully stopped his torture and got off me. Yet I still made no move to touch him and he knew I wouldn't. At least now he had a mischievous glint to his eye and seemed to forget momentarily the pain and terror while he pouted teasingly at me. Probably wasn't even aware of what he was doing and it gave me hope, especially now that Jamie was out of the picture except for the sadness around his eyes and trembling of his lower lip that belied his coquettish flirting.
But apart from the bleeding, I still couldn't see what the problem was. He was on top, not restrained and could have got off Jamie if it hurt that much. The bastard must have really ripped into him because he could take a hell of a lot. After being raised by that monster, we both could.
I waited for him to speak if he could. Let him tell it his own way.
Eventually he did. 'He made me promise to let him otherwise he would have kept me there, trussed up like that for who knows how long until I said 'Yes'!' He finally blurted out. 'And he made me call him Daddy!' He cried out in indignation.
He'd complained about that before but maybe I was the only one who knew what that cost him. What ghosts that raised.
'He talked about punishing me like he did, for fuck's sake!'
He shuddered then and flung himself into my arms suddenly, clinging to me tightly. I didn't move except to hold him tighter. He was still shaking like crazy. If Jamie had guessed (which was pretty likely) and was using his past against my brother to manipulate him, he was an even bigger scumbag that I took him for.
He managed to continue. 'I went along with it, at first I even… he looked up at me…I even enjoyed it until he started getting rougher. I tried to tell him to slow down but he didn't care how much he was hurting me. He didn't listen! He'd never been like that before and I didn't recognise him!'
'Then why didn't you just up and leave?'
He swayed his head from side to side. 'I…I don't know...! Fuck!' He screamed and buried his face in both hands.
'I wanted to but when I tried to leave, he grabbed me and just held me there…I know I could still have…I guess I just froze and besides, I'd promised! Felt bad for hardly ever letting him when and I guess I felt like I owed him!'
'Right.' This wasn't what he'd said before. He made out he let me do it to him all the time, probably just to throw it back in my face and make me jealous but I should have guessed that he'd still have problems. Jamie wasn't family after all, didn't know what my brother had gone through, not just with Dad but will all the other perverts too. He wouldn't know how to handle my brother and make him feel safe, not like I could. What words to avoid…How not to touch him…How you had to assure him every time you went inside him…because it always reminded him of Dad. I bet he didn't do that.
Yeah, the rich prick arrogant bastard made mistakes all the time with my fragile, vulnerable little brother.
Even though my heart was aching for him, part of me felt a grim touch of satisfaction that no-one would ever match up to me in his eyes.
Daryl would be back in my arms and in my bed in no time.
After he healed, of course.
Meanwhile, I deliberately kept my voice calm even though I was imagining all kinds of different ways to make the sick, manipulative scumbag suffer. Even improving on what I'd done to Mike. I'd let Rogers off lightly by only giving him permanent brain damage because he hadn't been sadistic like the other two, just a perverted creep. To tell it, Daryl seemed to have happy memories of the asshole and what they did together. So, imagine what I would do to another asshole who had hurt my baby brother. Made him live through what Dad did to him all over again. Make him remember when I'd done my very best to wipe away all those horrible memories and replace them with our own.
Sick fuck, repeated again in my head like a mantra but on the surface I was calm. Why didn't you just end it when you realised he was never going to give you what you want? Or at least not as often or in the way you wanted him? After 2 years? Fuck.
'Cos he only gives that to me. But that first smug thought was dampened by the second. Or used to, anyway. No guarantees there anymore.
'You're safe now.' I patted his back with deliberate calmness I didn't feel. How about both of us getting into our pyjamas and going into your room? It'll be tight but still…' I said with false brightness as I was seething inside.
He nodded demurely against my chest and I kissed the top of his head in return.
I planned to go after Jamie as soon as he was asleep while we got dressed. I knew how to calm my baby brother down so maybe he'd stay under for long enough for me to do what I had to do.
'He didn't make me do nothin', Merle!' He suddenly broke into my grim thoughts. 'Yeah, he may have got a bit carried away but it wasn't…'
He couldn't even say the word as he looked up at me, begging with me to agree with him.
But I couldn't.
'The why are you here? He made you bleed and you're terrified of him! He hurt you!'
'But…but…', he stammered, 'he didn't force me…'
'That's what he wants you to think! He knew what he was doin'! Pressing your buttons, wakin' you up like that, threatening to never let you go until you agreed…Hittin' you…Making you call him 'Daddy' even though you hate it…You sure he didn't know about Dad?'
'No! And it wasn't …wasn't like when they …he did it to me!'
'Then why you cryin'? Cause you know it's true. Even if you don't want it to be." I added little softer as I could see his lower-lip start to tremble and his tears spill over.
'I know how you don't want it to be. But it was.'
'But I think he knew…my back…' He shuddered at the memory. 'He said…He called it a lesson in trust…'
'A… lesson in trust?' I raged. 'Sick fuck! I'll give him a lesson he'll never forget!' This latest revelation finally pushed me over the edge and I couldn't hide my feelings.
'No, Merle, please. Don't. I've left him for good this time.' He was looking up at me pleadingly, tugging on my sleeve. 'There ain't no point…'
I tilted his face up and touched his lips ever so gently but he pushed me away!
'Hey... Come on, I didn't mean nothin' by it.'
'I...I jus' can't. Even if I'm not with him anymore.'
'Didn't do it for that.' I lied and he wasn't fooled. Of course, he wasn't. He knew me in and out.
'Of course, I want you, I'll always want you. But you told me that you and me were off limits so I ain't gonna try anythin'.'
'Maybe. But I know how you think, remember?' He accused.
'But fucking hell, baby bro, I'll say it again. You should have kept me as the only one you let fuck you.'
'Go to hell, Merle.' He suddenly got up from the bed and rounded on me. 'You'd like that, wouldn't you? Even if we break up for good that ain't gonna happen.' His voice was hard and implacable. 'Ever again!'
We fell into a deadly silence while I took this in.
'You mean, you and me, we're over?' My voice was quivering to my embarrassment, it had never done that before while he glanced at me in surprise and did look a little guilty.
'You really mean forever?
'As anythin' but brothers, yeah. It's wrong. It ain't natural and it ain't right. Don't you see, it was all Dad and what he made us do?' Daryl slumped down in the far corner and it killed me to see his knees drawn up as he made himself as small as possible. Even though he was as nearly as tall as me, almost six foot, I couldn't but think how small he looked. He took after Mama, with her fine bird bones, just adding to his look of fragility. Yet I knew he was hard as nails when he had his back against the wall, had fearlessly saved my life more times than I could count and the lean muscles on his powerful biceps were calling to me.
Daryl was never going to let us be together ever again, well not in that way anyway. Still, telling myself that he was upset, I decided to swallow it and work on persuading him to come round when he felt ready.
Even it was going to be a long time coming.
'Fine.' I pretended to care less than he actually did and tried another tack.
'But what he did...What if I did that to you..? I ain't jus' sayin' it 'cos I could never stand the arrogant prick who thought he'd bought you and I want to break you up. He's no good for you, I'm tellin' you, Darlena.'
'Shut up, Merle! Enough with all the 'I told you so's!' You showed me how much you disapproved of him when you fucked me in that restaurant rest-room, remember?'
'Daryl, don't be bringin' all that up again. I didn't know you were really serious about him...'
'That's not the point! Point is I fuckin' let you! I cheated on him, so I guess he had the right to punish me a little.'
'Punish you a little? For somethin' that happened years ago? Does he even know? Besides, have you looked in the mirror lately, little brother?'
'Gave back as much as I got, believe me.'
But I didn't.
'I ain't lettin' you go back to him!' I snarled and lunged at him. I didn't want to scare him but he had to face the truth sometime.
'Back the fuck off!' He interrupted me furiously, stopping me in my tracks and said the worst thing I'd ever heard. Except when he told me about Mike and the other perverts, maybe.
'It's my life and I'll be whoever I want to be with!' Daryl rounded on me furiously with his fists clenched in a sudden u-turn. Fuck, he's already making excuses for the bastard. 'I ain't yours, not in that way, capiche?'
'He tied you up and fuckin' raped you! When are you gonna open your eyes?'
He gasped and cowered back. 'But it wasn't…ra…I mean not like…with them …I mean with him. I was the one in control!'
'You don't really believe that, do you?'
He shook his head sadly and slid back down the wall to hug his knees and
all my anger and frustration melted.
All I wanted was to comfort him but he didn't think Daryl would let even me near him tonight given the state he was in. I'd blown it, I'd never get him back now, I thought to myself bitterly.
I saw to my horror that his big blue eyes were wide with pain and that those sissy long lashes that I loved so much on were wet with more unshed tears. Daryl was shaking again like when I'd picked him up from the telephone box.
'Sh...shouldn't have used that word.' I tried to gather him up in my arms but he resisted and pushed me away.
Daryl didn't want dinner, just went straight up to bed. His own. The first time in a long time when we were together that he didn't curl up under the covers with me, innocently from that one time in the restaurant toilets then on.
After a couple of hours trying to drown my worries in beer and a spliff, I looked in on him and addressed the Daryl-shaped lump with its back to him under the covers.
'I didn't mean to bring it all back to you. I mean…him.' I paused awkwardly. 'Want one?' I offered him the lit spliff I was smoking.
'Go away, Merle. Whatever you want, ain't gonna happen. Better get the fuck used to it.'
'I don't want that.' I thought I lied pretty convincingly this time. 'You think that's all I want from you? I'm tellin' you, I don't care if we never fuck again as long as we live if you don't go back to that psycho.'
Daryl didn't answer but I felt that maybe I was finally slowly getting through to him. The fact that he didn't run to jump to his lover's defence in outrage was a good sign.
'Goodnight, baby brother.' I said sadly as he closed the door. 'Don't let the bedbugs bite.'
Naturally, there was no reply even though I knew Daryl was still awake as I made my way to my own lonely bed.
…
That night Merle was woken from his uneasy sleep (he'd only got there by taking enough pills to sedate a horse and a bottle of whiskey mixed with coke). He thought about offering Daryl some but he was already sleeping. Now he wasn't though, Merle could clearly him moaning and muttering his sleep next door. Tossing in his bed.
'No, don't. Dad. Please don't do it to me again.' He whimpered.
'Daryl?'
'No! I can't take it…No, no, I said get off me!' He sobbed.
Merle cursed Jamie inwardly because lately, (he didn't know about when Daryl was at his boyfriend's) his brother had stopped having bad dreams. Merle liked to think it was all down to him. Except that he thought he saw Dad's ghost in the house sometimes. Merle still also saw the old bastard too occasionally, always sitting in his armchair which he thought about chucking out but hadn't got round to but he had simply ignored him. He wasn't scared of his spirit – what could he do to them now that he was dead?
Now he could hear his brother pleading and whimpering with their dead father even more loudly. Sounding like he was 16 again, all of Merle's careful loving and patience all for nothing.
All because of that bastard.
'I'm gonna kill him!' Merle hissed and clenched his fists as he got out of bed. Maybe he hadn't been able to kill their father for Daryl, even when he found out what he was doing to him, but he'd kill this rich son of a bitch, no problem.
'No, Dad, don't tie me up! You don't have to!'
Merle wondered idly if the bastard had made a will and if so, had he changed it to leave his brother anything?
He doubted it but it would be something to investigate.
Daryl moaned again and this time let out a sob.
'Sh...' Merle went in. Turned the light on.'Sh...It's OK. Wake up Daryl, you dreamin'!' He shook him and he had to admit that his brother was adorable even when he was this distressed, not that Merle liked to see him in trouble. With his hair mussed and now blinking in teary confusion.
'Where...where am I?' He looked around. Merle let him go and brushed back his hair. Kissed his forehead and cheek chastely. This time Daryl didn't fight but leaned into him.
'You were having bad dreams.' Merle wrapped his arms around him now that Daryl let him. 'No guessin' why.'
Daryl shuddered. 'What was I sayin'?'
'Don't you worry about that. Jus' Dad.'
He immediately regretted telling him when his brother whimpered and buried his head into his chest. Merle was really worried now and he kissed the top of his head and started to rock them back and forth.
'Ain't gonna let no-one hurt you.' He held him tight. 'Not ever. Even if it kills me. You gotta leave him, Darlena. He's a psycho! Find someone else who's gonna treat you nice like you deserve.'
It hurt Merle beyond pain to say that but he did it anyway.
Loving someone was being able to let them go. Who said that?
Daryl looked up at him then, eyes brimming and kissed him full on the mouth! 'Fuck'im. I'm leavin' him, Merle! You right...'
'Well, well...You changed you mind, then baby brother? You feelin' better?
'Fuck yeah!' Daryl sniffed and wiped his tears away. Merle chuckled and tucked his hair behind his ears before he returned the kiss. His brother chuckled and pushed the covers aside to straddle him on his lap.
Merle followed his lead, knowing that doing the wrong thing or being too pushy could ruin the moment. He even took his hands away from his brother. 'You sure it don't hurt no more? You ain't still bleeding?'
'Don't give a fuck what anyone thinks...' Daryl was being all defiant and deliberately ignoring his questions.
'You're the only one I can trust. Come on.' He started to yank down his brother's pants but Merle stopped him.
'No.' Daryl's accusation about only wanting him for sex had stung him and he wanted to prove to him that it wasn't true. Also, his brother was on the rebound, upset and confused. He might regret it in the morning and blame Merle!
'We don't have to...You jus' broke up with him. You had a scare ...'
'Don't care!' Daryl wrapped his arms snaked around his neck seductively and ground himself deliberately on his brother's hardness.
'Jus' fuck me, Merle.' Now his brother was squirming all over his lap and tweaking his nipples almost spitefully hard under his chest like he knew drove him to distraction. Merle moaned and knew if he didn't stop him soon, he wouldn't be able to resist.
'But I want you to!' Daryl breathed hard and whined needily in his ear.
'No, little brother. Let's see if you still want this tomorrow.' It was one of the hardest things he'd ever done. After being without for so long…
'Merle!' He got up to leave and almost got to the door before his brother called him back.
'Don't leave me!'
Merle smiled triumphantly with a happy grin before he turned back to his brother.
'OK but no monkey business!'
Daryl whined again in disappointment making Merle soothe back his hair. 'Only thinkin' of you, baby brother. Now, we're gonna lie here until we get ourselves back under control again.'
'Fine.' Daryl turned his back to him as Merle go in the other side. It was a tight fit to say the least, it was a kid's bed really and it still had the Spiderman pillow-case and cover.
Merle looked down at that and thought of their father in the same bed, with Daryl. Small and skinny and smothered under all the bastard's weight – not like he was now and unable to defend himself. He shook his head to drive the sickening image away but at least it had the desired effect of making him lose the raging hard on his brother had deliberately given him.
Daryl's breathing was slowing down too. Anyway, it proved that Merle still had the famous Dixon self-control. He was holding back to prove to himself that he could just as much for himself as for Daryl and he deliberately kept as far away as he could from him. But it was impossible in that small kid's bed.
'Darlena?'
'Yeah?'
'Come here.' He patted the bed beside him.
'M...Merle...' Jesus, he sounds like he's about 13 years old again.
'Sh...'
Daryl turned around eagerly while Merle embraced him in their usual sleeping position with his head resting on his chest and Merle's heartbeat soothing him. The sudden image of Daryl doing the same with Jamie made him almost punch the wall behind them with jealousy but he stopped himself.
Exactly the same except that this time Merle made sure that only their upper bodies were touching.
'Can only trust you, Merle. You know, you are the only who gets me. I mean really gets me.'
This is what Merle had been longing to hear, better than him wanting to have sex with him. Best of all, Daryl had just come out and said it by himself, just like he'd kissed him without being told to.
Merle always liked it best when Daryl made the first move. Didn't mean that the didn't often take the initiative though.
'Course I do. You're my baby brother.'
'Night.' Daryl reached up and pecked his lips.
Merle squeezed him before he released him in answer.
…
The next morning, Merle cooked them breakfast. Slipped out of bed after gently untangling Daryl from him without waking up. However, he woke up and came down just as Merle was dishing up the food.
'Mornin', Sleepy Head. Nice timing, by the way. Feelin' better?'
Daryl merely grunted in reply and just sat there and stared at his full plate.
'Come on, eat up.' Merle ran a hand fondly through his baby brother's hair and down his back.
'I ain't hungry.'
Merle hid his annoyance. He was, so he sat down to eat. He ate everything in front of him - the bacon rashers, sausages, hash browns and eggs. Washed down with orange juice and coffee. Then he belched.
'Come on. Eat.' Merle started to tell him and then clapped his mouth shut when he realised who he sounded like.
Daryl did try, more to please him than anything else. He picked at the food, managed to swallow a couple of mouthfuls before he put his knife and fork down.
'Sorry, Merle. I jus' can't...maybe later.'
'That's OK.' Merle picked up his plate and took it to the kitchen to heat it up again.
'What do you want to do today? I'm surprised he ain't called yet, beggin' you to go back to him.'
'No, he hasn't yet.' Daryl mused. 'And you know what, bro? I don't give a shit. Not even about my clothes and stuff I left there...Didn't like most of 'em anyway whatever the fucker bought.
'Good.' Merle was relieved that he hadn't changed his mind. 'It's only things.'
'Designer labels though.' Daryl added regretfully, 'Could have sold them at least…', swigging back the rest of his coffee and Merle noticed the naughty gleam in his eye.
'Bet he chose them, didn't he? Asshole dressed you like his little store mannequin...I swear, bro, I barely recognised you in them things.'
'You know what?' Daryl left his chair and got into his brother's lap. Wrapped his arms around him. This time Merle didn't hesitate in kissing him.
'Ain't changed my mind.' Daryl whispered in his ear and snaked his hand down the front of his brother's jeans to mess with him.
'Glad to hear it.' Merle replied. He was already panting.
'Come back to bed.' Daryl took his hand away and grabbed his. Practically yanking him up the stairs. 'Might give me an appetite.' He added hopefully.
Merle was only too happy to let him lead.
'You still really want me to?' Merle asked incredulously. 'But you said…'
'Yeah, we're brothers. So what? Anyway, I need you…' Daryl blushed and looked away and then looked back at him, lips trembling. 'I didn't mean nothin' what I said last night…Well, I did at the time but now I'm thinkin' fuck him. And fuck what people would think.'
'Glad to hear it.'
'Fuck!' He clutched his head. 'I really need you to…''Make you feel good again.' Merle grinned but didn't add 'safe' and 'clean' again which he knew his brother also meant. 'I know.'
He leaned back on the bed and splayed his legs. 'Well, come and get it if you want it, little brother.'
Daryl grinned eagerly back and practically attacked him to pull his clothes off.
Merle just smirked and let him, not lifting a finger to help him. Knowing instinctively that this hands-off approach was what Daryl needed.
He needed to control everything about what was about to happen right now.
Merle was overjoyed that he had finally seen the light about Jamie and had decided to come back to him.
They were together again, even it was more than brothers and that was all that mattered.