The party was in full swing. It was loud and lively with most of the guests having a good time. Glasses clinked and the sound of feet shuffling against the ballroom floor was drowned out by the band. Even Revy smiled and nodded his head to the beat, but his brother was tapping his foot for a different reason. Standing along the sidelines, Jim stood with his arms crossed. Occasionally, he would uncross them long enough to glance down at his watch. Logan had returned quite some time ago. He could see his bright blue face through the crowd, dancing with Kristopherson. Must be nice. Jim's spouse was nowhere to be seen and he couldn't really think of anything that would keep him. Maybe he started working again and lost track of time? Whatever happened, it gave Jim a bad feeling. He knew that there was very little that could have happened that was outright dangerous, but still. Something felt wrong about this.
As the music carried on, the menace debated on whether he should head upstairs to go look, or to simply wait it out. Logan didn't seem to know anything; Jim had already asked, leaving him to simply watch the incubus while he danced with Kristopherson. Shoving his hands in his pockets, the blonde let out a deep sigh, wishing he could be having fun with his man as well.
"How's it hanging, Spitfire?"
Oh, god, not now.
Jim closed his eyes to gather the will to face the irritating warlock who dared to make an attempt at talking to him. It didn't feel adequate, but he needed to say something. He turned his head and with an unamused look, he made his reply.
"You've got a lot of balls, coming up to me in my husband's house, Dafydd." he said. "You got something constructive to say or are you just gonna be an irritant?"
"Harsh as always, but whatever. Where's your man?" questioned the warlock, leaning casually with his hand pressed against the wall and the other in his pocket. He looked slightly less ridiculous without that horrible mullet of his, but still wore outrageous amounts of gemstones to amplify his power and display his wealth to other warlocks and witches. Honestly, if there was one that was single at this party, he might seem like quite the catch, had it not been for his personality. "He leave you by yourself?"
"So you have chosen being an irritant…" Jim sighed, shaking his head. "Listen, I'm not up to dealing with you being… you right now."
"Tell you the truth, I'm not sure if I'm even up to it, right now…" Dropping the pseudo-suave act, Dafydd folded his arms and leaned his back against the wall, mirroring the blonde's posture as he turned to watch over the crowd as well. "It's not been a good night, if I'm honest."
"You don't say? Your little love interest not as receptive as you thought she'd be?"
"No, she's not. She's been talking to Lexington all night and nobody else can even get close! It's just not fair…"
"What, exactly, is 'not fair' about it?"
"I'm just saying; objectively, I'm a catch! I've got good looks, I'm great at magic, and I'm rich, too! Way richer than Lexington. I mean, I'm probably one of the most eligible supernatural bachelors in London! But she can't see that. She's too busy talking to him to let me show her how good of an option I am."
"You were never an option, though. You're still not one." Jim replied, arching his eyebrow. "She rejected you way before the party and way before the classes, too. She didn't think that your lifespans would be compatible, so she removed you from the running. That's it."
"And I'm just supposed to accept that?"
"Yes! You are. You need to accept it and move on." Exasperated, Jim rolled his eyes and threw up his hands before gesturing to the crowd. "There's other people out there who are single, you know? Why are you wasting your time on someone who's already said 'no' when you could move on to someone who might say 'yes?'"
"And get rejected again?" Dafydd scoffed. "I don't think so."
"You might get rejected and you might not. You don't know until you try, but you need to cut the crap, Dafydd. You're building a reputation for yourself, and it's not a good one."
"That gets around, huh?"
"Oh, yeah. I mean, you openly tried to chat me up for years, even after I got married. People notice and people talk. I'm not normally one to care about people's opinions like that, but…" Pausing, the blonde grimmaced and sucked air through his teeth. "Yeah. Pick a different target. And when you do get somebody who likes you, let them talk too, sometimes, y'know? Not everything has to be a contest."
"Maybe…" Dafydd conceded, sounding like he was going to keep going, but stopping himself short. The cliffhanger made the menace stop and listen and as much as he hated to admit it, somewhat curious.
"'Maybe?'" Jim echoed. "What do you mean 'maybe?'"
"'Maybe.' That's just what I said. 'Maybe' means 'maybe.' It means I don't know, but… You're probably on to something. I dunno… Nothing I seem to do works, so 'maybe.'"
"Give it a try, then. It might work for you and maybe then, I'll actually be able to stand you someday."
"Ouch, harsh as every, aren't you, Spitfire?" chuckled the warlock, cracking a bit of a smile as he watched the crowd. "You know, I always liked that about you. You tell it like it is, even when people don't want to hear it." He paused, thinking about that for a moment. "Your confidence is honestly amazing."
"Please, if I even had half the confidence you've got, I'd have conquered the planet by now." the menace shook his head. "Hitting on married people and people who've already rejected you? It's crazy…"
"You're still mad about all of that, huh?"
"I wouldn't be, if you seemed to have learned your lesson. You still seem to do it, though. Even now, you're trying to get with Renee when she already said 'no.' It ain't right, man."
"I…" Opening his mouth to speak, Dafydd realised that he didn't actually know where he was going to take the thought that he was trying to formulate in his head. Closing his mouth again, he pondered, wondering "what am I going to say to that?" Sighing, it occurred to him that there wasn't much he could about it. Jim was right after all and Dafydd may be bold, but he wasn't stupid—contrary to popular belief, it seemed. Certainly, he had done stupid things in the past. Who hadn't? And perhaps this was not his wisest decision, but he felt like he understood. He understood and deflated. His shoulders slouched and his demeanor changed somewhat.
"Look…" he began, staring straight ahead instead of looking the blonde in the eye. "I'm… I'm sorry about that, alright? I know it wasn't… a great thing for me to do, alright?"
"Kinda sleazy and scummy, yeah." Jim nodded, prompting the other man to roll his eyes.
"I'm trying to apologise, alright?" insisted the warlock, finally turning his head to briefly face the demon. "You're a good guy, good-looking, and have a great relationship. It's hard to not want to be a part of that. You're cool, y'know? Who wouldn't want to be with a powerful demon like you?"
"So, you hit on my in front of my boyfriend and eventual husband, tried to slip me a love potion, tried to trap him in a shed, and aaaaall that stuff because you think I'm cool? And I'm just supposed to be okay with that?"
"What? No! No. That was… That was some awful stuff I did, I know, and I'm not trying to excuse it, but…" Letting out another sigh, Dafydd's shoulders slumped further. "You and Ciel were some of the first supernaturals outside of family that I talked to, okay? I just… I didn't want you to get away, but, doing that, I know now that I only pushed you away further. It's hard, y'know? I was like, fifteen, I was never allowed to let anybody know I could use magic, and then you come along, being what you are, and it was exciting!"
"Well, that would make sense, if you stopped it when you met other supernaturals."
"Well, it's hard realising that I'm not as good at magic as I thought I was. I mean, it's not exactly a secret that warlocks have weaker magic than witches, right? But even with all of these gemstones and metals to boost my power, I'm still not as good as somebody like Wink…"
"Granted, she's atypically strong for a witch, too."
"Exactly! So I went from having this super special secret that I wanted to share with everybody, only to find out I suck when I finally did! Then when I started dating Cameron, I wouldn't shut up about how I can use magic and he can't." Pausing, the warlock raised his brows. Then, scrunching up his face, he unfolded his arms in order to place a hand over his eyes. "God, I'm such a dick…" he said. "No wonder he got fed up! I wanted to be better than him! So I acted like I was! No wonder he got sick of it!"
"You're just now figuring this out?" Jim questioned, arching an eyebrow. "I'm pretty sure that's true for most people, right?"
"I don't know, I just- didn't know I was doing it, I guess… Jesus…"
"Then what about Renee? Any epiphanies about her?"
"I… I don't know. I just… Thought I could impress her, I guess." Dafydd shrugged. Letting his hands fall to his sides, he put them behind his back as he looked down to the floor. "I thought I could be… I dunno… Special, somehow?"
Jim watched the other man's face for a moment and then looked past it, trying to refuse the ability to think about him. After everything he's done, Jim didn't want to feel any sort of sympathy for him. That said, the blonde had encountered a lot of liars in his time—scummy, lowlifes who would lie to your face about the most insignificant of things, and never break their expression in the slightest—yet he had trouble forcing himself to see something like that here. Breathing heavily through his nose, he looked out at the crowd again, searching for a reason to deny this irritating man. He found nothing, however, forcing him to give a reply.
"Alright…" Jim finally acknowledged, "Look… I get what you're saying. Being 'special,' even if it's just to one person, is important. It hurts, feeling like you're not important, and I understand that sometimes, we do shitty things in order to try and be important to someone. Sometimes, it doesn't even matter who. Just… Somebody." he shrugged, but he didn't relent. "I... acknowledge your apology, but I can't accept it. The shit you did? It wasn't right, even if you were hurting. We're all hurting and we're all responsible for not spreading that hurt to other people. Sometimes, we can slip up, but we've gotta make the commitment to get better and be better. So I can't even think about forgiving you until I see that. Even then, there's no promise that I ever will. You might never be let off the hook for it and well, that sucks, but there it is."
With wide eyes, the warlock listened to the menace as he spoke. It was shocking that the menace was even humouring him, let alone claim to understand where he's coming from. As far as he knew, Jim was practically perfect. The thought did occur to him that maybe he didn't know as much about the blonde as he thought he did in that moment, but he still wasn't quite to the point where he could fully manage it.
"Right…" he smiled, giving an awkward laugh. "Well… I didn't exactly expect us to be best friends or anything, so I guess I'll take that, for now." Grunting, he pushed off from leaning against the wall and turned around. "Anyway, I've said my piece. Guess I'll… Find something else to do, then."
"There's other people here, you know. What about that… What's her name? Adrian LeFay? She's another witch from the human world. You might have something to talk about."
"Nah, I thought about it, but she's been making eyes over at Audrey all night. I just can't catch a bloody break…"
"Hm. Good for him." nodded the blonde with raised brows. They stayed raised, this time ins surprise as the warlock stopped in front of him, wearing a smile. Shaking his head, Dafydd chuckled.
"You're a really beautiful man, Jim." quietly spoke the warlock. "Ciel's lucky to have you." With that, he began to turn and walk away, leaving the menace alone. "See you around, Spitfire."
In all honesty, Jim didn't know what to feel about all of that. He was baffled by the sudden exchange and couldn't really reconcile the clash between his idea of Dafydd and what he had just seen right then. It was annoying to sympathise with the warlock and it was even more irritating to feel like he was relatable. After the things he had done, it didn't feel right. Certainly, if Jim and Ciel were both allowed to grow and change, then Dafydd was as well. After all, committing an atrocity or act of inhumanity or two in one's youth was simply part of growing up, wasn't it? Well, perhaps not. Jim felt like he understood the perspective of someone on the outside looking in a bit better, now.
He wasn't exactly the best person when he was younger. The amount of growing he had done was astounding, given that he was growing into an adult while handling his baggage all at once. As much as he hated it, when Jim thought about some of the things he had done, Dafydd's antics weren't "that bad," but Jim wasn't going to sacrifice his boundaries for the sake of fairness. Maybe it did suck for Dafydd to not be granted forgiveness, being able to feel like he even had the right to draw the line somewhere when it came to himself was something that was hard fought and hard won for Jim. It wasn't something that came naturally to him back then, so acknowledging his dislike for Dafydd and rejecting him outright rather than manipulating him was somewhat of an accomplishment.
But so was maintaining that rejection. Maybe it was hypocritical, but Jim wanted proof of progress. Sadly, this was not a one-and-done deal, as both demons seemed to be in a perpetual state of trying to make the right choices. Being good was certainly hard sometimes, but it was rewarding. Jim was certainly pleased with his life at the moment.
He had a beautiful house, a beautiful family, and a loving husband—all of which he worked hard to achieve. He, a once homeless orphan, a former slave, and overall scoundrel, was now a respected baronet who had earned his power and title fair and square by his own merit. And he would continue to cultivate this life to the best of his ability. That was why, when Ciel did not return, he decided to go looking for him. While he was certain that he probably wasn't hurt, it was unlike the man to be punctual. That was worth investigating.
Slinking through the crowd, he snuck his way out of the ballroom and to the stairs, following the path to their shared office. As he approached, however, he did not sense his beau there. No matter. Maybe he decided to touch up his appearance? There were a thousand innocent explanations for the Earl's absence, but somehow, something wasn't sitting right with the menace.
The hallway felt different, somehow. It was so quiet—quiet and lifeless, yet he could feel his husband nearby. Something was wrong about it, though. There was a slight foreboding in the air, making Jim pick up the pace a bit. He could sense that something was wrong with Ciel, although he couldn't sense what. He wasn't in peril. He wasn't near death's door. Something wasn't right, though. He could feel it as he saw their bedroom door growing closer at the end of the hall.
There was no one else on that floor, he could sense, so there wasn't any immediate danger. Everything seemed calm and there were no signs of anything amiss. Everything was where it was supposed to be in the hallway and as he poked his head into their bedroom, Jim could tell that everything was in order there, as well. It was dark, but he could see it. Even the throw pillows on the sofas weren't out of place. The heap of a person in front of the sofa was, however.
"Ciel?" he called out, taking a step into the room and flicking on the lights. The Watchdog squeezed his eyes tight in response, flinching at the sudden brightness. Upon further inspection, however, Jim could see that something was not right about his beau. "What are you doing in the floor?" he questioned with his approach. "Are you alright?"
Standing over his husband and getting a good look at him, Jim's confusion at the out of character refusal to actually sit on the furniture rather than the floor shifted to the back of his mind. Suddenly, worry came to the forefront. Crouching down, Jim hesitated as he reached out to his beau, wondering if he really ought to be touching his face while he seemed so out of it. But the Watchdog did not recoil and instead placed a hand over Jim's, keeping him close.
"I'm alright." the Watchdog said weakly, sinking his cheek into Jim's palm. His eyebrows furrowed in concentration as he let the feeling seep into his skin. Jim's palm was warm and soft, but more importantly, it was real and it was there. "I just needed a moment alone, is all."
"Liar." the blonde accused. "Try again."
Opening his eye, there was a wrinkle between the bluenette's eyebrows as his expression turned from one of concentration to one of mild annoyance. It wasn't Jim's tone that bothered him, but rather that his lie failed. This feeling didn't last long, however, as when he looked up at the blonde's face his expression fell, becoming a mixture of the already messy emotions that washed over him. Relief, fear, and adoration came crashing together, making the Watchdog feel sick. It felt like he had a fever and his throat ached. Worse still, he didn't understand what was happening to him, and all signs in a demon was unheard of. Demons didn't get sick and that made him understandably worried, yet how could he explain that to Jim? How could he explain any of what he had just experienced to Jim? It would worry him immensely and Ciel of course didn't want that, but it was already too late. Jim's brows raised in surprise before letting go of Ciel's face and wrapping his arms around his husband, forcing Ciel to adjust his legs underneath him as he was drawn in close.
Jim was there. He was tangible, made of flesh and blood. He breathed and Ciel could wrap his arms around his waist and feel Jim's suit jacket against his palms as he rest ed them against his back. The Earl could hear Jim's heart beating against his ear and smell him as was held against the other man's chest. Jim was there and he was all around Ciel, engulfing him and assuring him with kind words.
"It's alright, Darling…" Jim cooed, reaching up to stroke his beau's bluenette locks. "I'm here. I've got you. It's alright…"
Ciel wanted to accept it. He wanted to relax and accept the comfort that Jim was offering him, but couldn't. There was an unexplainable ache radiating from deep inside of his body, piercing his muscles, poisoning his blood, and causing his bones to become brittle; and he wasn't sure how much longer he could endure it and put on a brave face in front of his husband.
"I feel terrible…" the bluenette confessed, pressing his face into Jim's chest. "I… I suddenly felt afraid and I couldn't find you… It's stupid, really… It doesn't make any sense..."
"It's not stupid. What were you afraid of? Did something happen?"
"I couldn't see or hear anyone downstairs so… Somehow, I got it into my head that something must have happened and I- I just couldn't think straight anymore… I kept having thoughts like, imagining that Logan was dead outside the door of the office and that you had been killed… It really doesn't make any sense…"
"No one is dead. Everyone is fine at the party. If we go downstairs, you can see for yourself." Jim suggested.
"I can't. I can't do it right now. I can't face anyone like this…"
"You definitely look a little worse for wear…" Jim admitted, pausing to kiss the top of his beau's hair. "How about this: I'll go back to the ballroom and take a picture of the room. That way, you can see everyone's fine. In the meantime, you can freshen u-"
The blonde stopped himself as he felt the other man's grip tighten and his body grow tense. Ciel wasn't releasing him and instead trapped him further, preventing either of them from moving from that spot. "Ciel?" Jim questioned softly, but the Watchdog didn't answer right away. Instead, he stayed there, suddenly finding it difficult to breathe.
"Don't…" Ciel pleaded. His voice was strained and his throat felt like it was going to swell shut. "Please don't go... Just… Stay here a while. I know it's selfish, but… I just need to be able to see you. I don't know what will happen if I can't… So please… Just… Stay here for a bit."
It wasn't like him and he knew it. It felt so embarrassing, pleading like this, but he couldn't come up with another way to ask. His voice wasn't cooperating with him and neither was his mind. Even moving was proving difficult and the only way he seemed to be staying upright was with his husband's support. Furrowing his brows, his face twisted from the pain that radiated througout his body. Sometimes, it was dull, and then it would hit him suddenly at full force. He grit his teeth to try and muscle his way through it, but it was simply too much. This man had been shot, stabbed, cut, bled, branded, and had his arm torn off at least once, but this? This was too much. If it were just his body that was in agony, he knew it would be fine, but his mind felt like it was on fire.
Holding him more firmly, Jim could feel the sorrow emanating from his beau as the Watchdog shook in his arms. It was infectious. It wasn't like Ciel and Jim knew it, so seeing him like this was more than a shock. But he also felt as though he understood this pain. It made him sad to witness his beloved experiencing it, but he knew that there was nothing he could do to stop it—not now, at least. All he could do was reassure him and keep him steady until he was stable enough to address it properly, but now was not the time for progress.
"It's alright, Ciel." Jim cooed once more. "I've got you. I'm here. I won't leave you. The party can wait."
"I'm sorry…" choked out the Watchdog. "I… I don't wish to be a burden…"
"You're not. You could never be. The party isn't nearly as important as this. You need me more than they do." the menace replied. Despite his worry, he kept his voice completely calm. Ciel himself taught him the importance of that when providing comfort toward Jim, and Jim took it to heart. He knew the importance of having a base to hold one steady when it felt like one has been thrown into complete chaos. He couldn't fall apart on Ciel. Not now. So Jim instead spoke softly, reassuring his husband with utmost confidence, even if he wasn't really sure, and handling him gently so that it didn't exacerbate the cracks that the Earl was trying so hard to hide.
But they were there and held together with nothing more than Ciel's will, but even that had limits, it seemed. It felt like he was in tatters. His face was hot, his body tense, and his eyes growing watery. He felt like a string that was pulled too tight. It felt like something inside of him was about to break, but what he didn't know what. He didn't know what it was, nor did he know why. All he knew was that he needed someone to help him, desperately.
"I don't understand…" the Watchdog choked out between gritted teeth. "What's happening to me? I can't- I just- I feel so weak… It's like something has completely stolen my strength… I don't think I could raise my arm to aim a gun, let alone pull the trigger… I… I just don't understand…"
"Why would you need to use a gun right now?" Jim questioned, staring off into the space behind his beau as he held him.
"To keep everyone safe, of course…"
"From what? What do we need protection from?"
"I don't—I don't know…"
Pondering this, the blonde's eyes fluttered shut. He cringed at the thought of what this might be, but didn't think that Ciel was quite ready to acknowledge it just yet. Jim just hoped that he could be adequate support in the meantime. Kissing the Watchdog's hair, he said: "There's no one else here. There's no one inside or outside of the house that's not supposed to be there."
"I know! But… I don't know…" barked the Earl. Squeezing his eyes shut, Ciel clung to the other man tighter, holding him as close as he could possibly be, but it was not close enough. The dull agony that radiated from his bones had completely incapacitated him. It felt like he was going to break at any moment and in a way, he did as tears pooled in his eyes and dampened Jim's jacket.
"Why?" he choked out, keeping his face completely hidden from his husband's view. He couldn't bear the pain that plagued him, nor could he bear the pain of allowing Jim to see him in such a sorry state. "It hurts… It hurts so badly… I feel like I'm going mad, Jim… I don't know what to do, I- I can't breathe! I can't make it stop. I can't—I can't understand this… Jim… Jim, please… Don't—don't look at me…"
"I'm not looking." Jim replied. "But I've still got you. You're safe, here. Tell me where it hurts."
"Everywhere! It feels—It feels like my brain is on fire and my chest is being torn open! I need to do something, but I can't move!"
"Shhh… Shhh… Hold on to me, darling. I'll keep you steady. Do you feel my hand in your hair?"
"Yes…"
"And how does that feel?"
"Nice…" It didn't sound that way from the way that Ciel said it, but it was a start.
"What about my arms around you? How is that?"
"Nice…"
"Can you feel my jacket in your hands?"
"Yes…"
"How is it?"
"It's nice…" The bluenette's breathing was still heavy and his head was killing him, but it felt a bit more controlled. He ran his hands over the fabric, feeling the threads and seams. It felt real to him. He had his arms around the menace and had his hands on his back. "You look good in it…"
"Even in the middle of a panic attack, you're still a charmer." jested Jim, making his voice smile around the words. For a moment, the other Phantomhive actually chuckled back, although it was very weakly and sounded wet. "You know I love you, right?"
"Yeah…"
"You think a few tears is going to make me stop loving you?"
"No…"
"That's right. So I'm not gonna leave. I'm gonna take care of you, got it? After all, you're the one who brags about having such a strong husband all the time. I've gotta live up the hype! If I can't take care of the man I love when he's feeling vulnerable, then what kind of husband would I be?"
"A terrible kind who quotes our annoying butler…"
"Whoop. There he is. Hello, Lord Phantomhive. Glad to be joining us again?" A rush of relief came over the menace as he heard his beau chuckle once more. Then, silence fell between them. It wasn't awkward, however, despite the circumstances. Jim didn't even look at the clock to see how much time had passed. The party wasn't important. Nothing was as important as Ciel was in that moment. And Ciel knew.
"Sorry…" he whispered, his breathy, raspy voice sounding loud in the quiet room.
"What for?"
"For showing you such a sorry state…" Ciel answered. His breathing sounded much more calm, but he still sounded utterly exhausted. "And for keeping you away from everyone…"
"There's nothing I'd rather be doing right now than this." Jim rationally replied. "Part of my duties entail taking care of you, even if you wish you didn't need it. While I'm not happy at all about how you're feeling this way, it is an honour for me to fulfill those duties when necessary."
"You're starting to sound like me…"
"Living with someone for a long time can do that to you. But anyways, how are you feeling, sweetie? Are you feeling any better?"
"A little…" answered the Watchdog, still slumped over and leaning against the other man in a rather pitiful display. "I'm so tired… I'm still in pain, but I think maybe it's subsiding…"
"Maybe you should rest instead of heading back downstairs." suggested the blonde. His husband opened his mouth to speak and somehow, despite not being able to see him, Jim cut him off before he could. "Don't worry, I'll stay with you. That way, you can know we're both safe."
"I'm worried about the others, too… I need to go check on them."
"Well, let me know when you're ready, then. I'll help make sure you're presentable. Not… That… There's anything wrong with the way you look, or anything, it's just…"
"'Unkempt' is not a good look?"
"I didn't think you'd like having people see you like that."
"It's horrible enough when it's just you…"
"I know, but I don't mind it." the blonde replied, kissing the top of Ciel's head once more. He stayed close to him, whispering into his bluenette locks. "I love you, even if you cry sometimes. After all, you've stuck by my when I did worse. I think it's kinda alright to have a bit of a moment like that every so often, as long as it's not hurting anybody. It doesn't make you weak or anything."
"It certainly feels like it." Ciel confessed. "I feel like I can't do anything, right now…"
"Nothing's going to happen, Ciel. And even if it did, I'd tear the person, people, or things responsible for it apart as soon as they set foot near this place. Just for inconveniencing you."
"Is the discussion of brutal murder supposed to make me feel better?"
"Isn't the fact you feel like you can't do the murdering part of why you're upset?"
"...That's fair." sighed the Watchdog, closing his eyes. His body seemed to relax a bit further and the pain he felt was steadily lessening. It wasn't that Jim was saying anything profound, either, but rather that Jim was talking to him at all. It surprised Ciel, how good of a distraction it was. "My emotions seem to be all over the place… I'm afraid I've gotten too used to things being relatively peaceful and have gone a bit soft."
"Really? You're just as soft as you've always been."
"Maybe since I've been involved with you, but I feel as though I was stronger than this at some point. Maybe I wasn't, though… I don't know. I… I don't really want to think about it. Thinking back that far hurts."
Jim didn't respond right away. There was no smooth transition between that and conveying his own thoughts on the matter, but then again, maybe it just wasn't the time. Ciel's old wounds had been reopened and pressing too hard on it could only hurt him further. It didn't matter if Jim was right or if he had good intentions. Jim knew Ciel and he knew that Ciel wasn't the sort to enjoy being exposed like that. Right then, it was important to make Ciel feel supported so that he could accept Jim's thoughts on the matter. He just wasn't in the position to listen, just yet. That had to take precedence over Jim's desire to "fix" Ciel.
It was immensely tempting to just lay it all bare and explain to Ciel what was happening and why Jim thought that. If that would make all of Ciel's pain go away and set him down the path of healing right away, it would be the option to pick. It wasn't, though. Knowing Ciel, it would only make him push Jim away. No matter how badly Jim wanted his beloved to cease this and for things to immediately go back to the status quo, this wasn't the way to do it. He was not the person who could make that choice for Ciel. He couldn't let his love for the bluenette wound him or his guilt for what he thought might have been his role in exacerbating it poison what progress could be made.
Yes, the blonde felt guilty. Thinking back on things, he felt like he recalled what were perhaps signs that this was coming. Ciel's regular abandoning of his work to check in on Jim could have just been him being his usual attentive self or him merely checking in on the baronet's progress in organising the party. That's what Jim thought it was in the moment, but now, he wondered if it was just what this was now: Ciel needing reassurance that Jim was still there and still safe. It felt obvious now, but Jim hadn't noticed. He hadn't noticed in time to help Ciel before he finally collapsed. Why hadn't he? Was he just not paying enough attention? How could he? He should know these things. He knew everything about Ciel, after all.
Jim wanted to wallow in this self pity, but needed to at another time. Right now, he couldn't be making this all about himself. It was Ciel who needed to be his priority. He couldn't fix him now and he couldn't retroactively try and stop it, so all he could do was try and get him steady enough so that at some point in the hopefully near future, they could work on this.
"Then don't think about it right now. Think about something else." It sounded callous, but he was doing his best. It was a strategic move to create distance between Ciel and what ailed him. Nothing more, nothing less. "Y'know, Dafydd talked to me before I came up here."
"I'm not sure how some hack sorcerer hitting on my husband is supposed to make me feel better, Jim."
"He didn't, is the thing. And he said he'd give up on Renee. It was weird. Super weird." Jim stated. "He actually apologised to me for being such a creep, if you can believe it."
"Honestly? I don't think I can."
"Neither can I, really, but little victories, y'know? He supposedly saw the light or whatever. Dunno how long it'll last, but I can hope. Said he was jealous of us because, y'know, we're hashtag-relationship-goals."
"I don't really care the reason; he can hashtag-stay-away-from-my-husband." Ciel answered, causing the other man to snicker a bit. Jim tried his best to remain sympathetic and serious, but it hit him just right.
"You act like he's competition or something."
"He isn't, but I think it's only natural to not want things that bother you to… well, bother you."
"Eloquent as always, I see…"
"Give me a little bit. I'm having a moment."
Slowly but surely, the fog in Ciel's mind was lifting and he began to feel a bit more like himself. His current self, at least. It felt good to be able to laugh again. That was something the present had over the old days that couldn't be beat. Yet, despite being able to sit up on his own again, he still felt exhausted. It was strange for a demon to felt like he needed a nap, but there he was, feeling like he desperately needed to sleep this off. He felt like he had just been on a mission for three weeks, fought some horrible supernatural monstrosity, or swam across the English Channel. Emotionally, however, he felt a bit numb. It was hard to regain his usual state of being, but he was trying his best. Overall, however, he felt emotionally dull. It wasn't surprising, given how much energy he had just spent on his episode. The one thing he did feel, however, was the overwhelming need to not be alone in all of this. Jim was stable. Jim was safe. If Jim left to go back to the party, then Ciel might fall apart again. That was his biggest worry right then. Yes, it was nice to be coddled, it was nice to have all of Jim's attention and be showered with sweet words and affection, but really, that's all he needed. Jim himself, on the other hand, was more than happy to give it to him, even if it meant that they were missing from their own party for an amount of time that could be considered "suspicious." The blonde had already resolved to tell Kristopherson to "piss off" upon the inevitable teasing that was sure to follow. It was nothing compared to what Ciel might feel if Jim were to leave him in such a state.
Jim helped Ciel off the floor, straightened his clothes, fixed his hair, and kept to his word to help his beau be presentable. It didn't matter if it was a bit of a farce Ciel was putting on. He just needed to duck into the party for a few minutes, let everyone know he was alive and well, and then he could sit outside in the hallway and play on his phone until he felt like seeing other people again. Jim, of course, promised to check in on him and remind him that he was still there. As silly as it felt for Ciel to need it, he was grateful to Jim for it. That was exactly why Jim felt so safe, however. He never judged the bluenette in these moments, even if it meant doing something that most people probably wouldn't need.
"You ready?" Jim questioned as the two made it downstairs. In response, the Watchdog paused and took a deep breath. In an instant, his back was straight, his shoulders were back, and his chin was parallel with the floor as he assumed the impeccable posture that he had honed over the course of a hundred years. Then, he held out his elbow and offered the menace his arm.
"As ready as I'll ever be." he replied, tilting the corners of his mouth upwards ever so slightly in a smile. Yet, at the same time, Jim couldn't help but think it looked a bit sad.
"Ten minutes tops." the menace stated, holding up a finger while taking hold of the inside of his husband's bicep. "I'll stay by your side the whole time, so don't worry. You don't even have to talk. All that matters is that we were seen. In, out, mission accomplished."
"Yes, your highness." Ciel answered, trying to put on a brave face. "Stiff upper lip and all that." He didn't expect his husband to be so quiet after that. He hesitated, not moving forward just yet. "Jim?"
With his other hand, the menace reached over and cupped Ciel's cheek, turning his face toward him. While Ciel looked on with raised eyebrows, Jim placed a kiss on the corner of his mouth. Then, when he pulled back again, the Watchdog was rendered immobile by the sight of those icy blue eyes staring at him with the smallest of wrinkles between his eyebrows. Jim's face was serious, but at the same time, it wasn't chastising. He held the bluenette's face tenderly and spoke to him with utmost earnesty.
"Let me know it it's too much." he said. "If you feel like you can't be there, I'll get you out; No questions asked. Don't just endure it, alright? It's not worth it."
Blinking, the Earl couldn't help but find himself surprised, even if he had years of proof that would indicate otherwise. They had been together for a long time, yet even after all of these years, Ciel occasionally needed reminded that it is alright for him to ask for the blonde to save him outside of battle. As much as his pride wished to resist it, Ciel found it comforting. It was good to know that Jim was there and that he always had his back. He could always be counted on to lead Ciel safely back to shore again.
"Of course." he said, smiling softly at the menace. "You're my lifeline."
"Always."
With that, they took a step forward and entered into the light emanating from the door to the ballroom. They turned to face the room itself and walked inside, ready as they ever were going to be to face the crowd. Thus, the Phantomhives rejoined the party, just in time for things to go awry.
A/N: Hello~! Welcome back. At long last, I have posted... And honestly, I'm sick of this party, so the next chapter, we're gonna mad dash to the finish, okay? We need to get through all of the things I wanted to do and do them quickly because these people need to leave Ciel's house already lmao
Anyway, this was strangely difficult to write? This isn't a side of Ciel that comes out very often and while I COULD just give you all of the deets right now, I think it'll be better to hold onto them for a bit. I have a better idea that is gonna be really great. Just trust me on this, you guys. I sometimes have good ideas.
I'm also distracted by other ideas and am not really sure what to do next. The arc I had lined up after this one doesn't really fit with the trajectory we're on, so I'm gonna hold onto it for a bit. That means, however, that I need to find a replacement and I'm sort of in the middle of cycling through all of the ideas I've had (which is a million) to figure out which one works the best. I want a mission, but it feels like the other ones I have in mind aren't as fleshed out or as exciting. Maybe I'll just go with the original idea and tweak it a little bit, I dunno...
Tbh sometimes I know just as much about what's going on as y'all do.
Until the next chapter, my duckies~!