XCW: Xtreme Cartoon Wrestling

by Big Daddy Ivan

A new breed of animated wrestling enters the competition. Featuring characters from both cartoons and video games, as well as a variety of fight styles from mat-based to hardcore, there's no doubt that animated wrestling just got taken to the extreme! The Abolishment go-home episode of Monday Night Massacre is completed!

94. XCW Massacre: October Week 1 Part 1

Hey fans! Another pay-per-view in the books leads to a new month of XCW Monday Night Massacre! I own nothing.

---

"In Two" by Nine Inch Nails played as pyro exploded on the titantron, after which millions of fans stood in a huge arena cheering and holding up signs of many different colors.

"With Abolishment in the books, we are three weeks away from our all-women's pay-per-view event Equal Pain, and over five weeks away from getting onto the Road to Animania by way of Ecstasy of Gold! Who will declare themselves as competitors in our first-ever 30-man battle royal, and after the horrific display after last night's main event, who will step up to the challenge of fighting Tommy Vercetti for the XCW World Heavyweight Championship? Welcome to Monday Night Massacre, ladies and gentlemen, where we are live tonight from Gravity Falls, Oregon! Hello again everyone, I am Frylock, "The Voice of XCW" with Master Shake at ringside, and tonight, Shake, we have an action-packed slate of matches for our audiences watching at home and everyone here in Gravity Falls tonight!"

"Ah, that's debatable, Frylock." dismissed Shake. "Because we have the first two matches in the first round of this goddamn Women's Tag Team Tournament. First up, we're gonna have The Sphere Hunters, Yuna and Rikku, take on the XCW-debuting Miyazaki Maidens, San and Nausicaa, while Disnevolution fights The Women of Marvel, Wasp and Jean Grey. We all know they're gonna be fighting to reach the tournament finals that will take place in the main event of Equal Pain, but if ya ask me, they're fighting to determine which team is the least TERRIBLE!"

"Sexist pig…" muttered Frylock, ". . .but we also have the XCW World Television Champion Mario issuing an open challenge for his newly won title. . .and after saying 'I Quit' to his longtime rival, Daffy Duck, the Animation Icon, Bugs Bunny, will be officially knighted into the Knighthood of Assassins in a Knighting Ceremony. . .where I shudder to think of exactly what Hotsuma, Scorpion, Daffy and the Assassins will have him do to induct him into the Knighthood."

"It's gonna be one hell of a night and whether I like it or not, I am HERE for it!" Shake declared, as the fans cheered with anticipation. . .

. . .

. . .as pyro exploded on the stage, and 'No Mercy' by Pharoah Monche played!

"But right now, we are starting with the arrival of 'Liberty City's Lucifer!" Frylock declared, as Claude Speed stepped onto the stage with his barbed wire 2x4 in hand, and a smile on his face as he scanned the arena at the cheering and applauding fans.

"Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome 'Liberty City's Lucifer'. . .CLAAAAAAAUDE SPEEEEEEEEEEED!"

Claude stepped down the ramp until he reached the steel steps, against which he left his barbed wire 2x4 before rolling into the ring under the bottom rope.

"Last night at Abolishment, Claude Speed fought alongside The Mask in a losing effort against the Bohan Badasses in what was a solid tag team affair!" Frylock informed. "But after the match, when Brucie was about to spend the rest of the night gloating, Liberty City's Lucifer charged in and punted his damn head off, and not only let his friends Carl "CJ" Johnson and Niko Bellic soak in their victory, but he celebrated it with them! But with the Bohan Badasses in his and The Mask's rearview mirror, there's no telling where Claude's rollercoaster year will take him next. . .but I have a feeling we're gonna learn what Liberty City's Lucifer has in mind right here and right now in Gravity Falls!"

"Big fuckin' deal, Frylock." dismissed Shake. "Who wants to hear from a goddamn loser? I don't. Because I get it right every night, and what I get about Claude is that he's limping into tonight looking like a CHUMP. It doesn't matter whether or not you took the pin in your match, or how many titles you've won in this company previously, Claude's colder than Santa's stomping grounds right now! Why do all these idiots in the crowd even think about cheering for this punk, anyway? Don't answer that because I've got the answer for ya: he's such an EPIC loser, he makes them feel better about their boring, miserable lives! Who knows what kinda misery Claude's about to spew at us?"

"...I, for one, am excited to hear what Claude has to say." Frylock stated, as Claude scanned the arena at the fans, who were on their feet and cheering for Liberty City's Lucifer until he put the microphone up to his mouth.

"How's it going, guys?" Claude asked, to a pop from the crowd.

"It's been a minute since I've seen you all for myself. . .I don't talk to y'all as often as I should and I apologize for that. I'm usually a man of few words. . .but a hell of a lot has happened since I've last come out here to speak my mind, and you can be damn sure that I have some opinions on it. But before I get to that. . .yes, I stand before you all with an L in the loss column after last night. . .thanks to a man named Brucie Kibbutz."

The crowd booed at the mention of Brucie's name.

"The man shouted into a headset, distracting me, distracting Stanley, distracting the very wrestlers he manages, and he made all of your ears bleed with his freakin' schtick. . .going so far as to get in mine and Stanley's way of winning the match. He pulled the same shit he did last Monday night, and at Shockwave in the Tag Team Turmoil match. Credit to CJ and Niko for the win last night, and for having the patience to put up with him day in and day out. I don't know how they do it. . .put up with such an insufferable attention seeker. . ."

Claude stopped in his tracks, trying to find the right words to say, until he finally said. . .

". . .and I don't know how YOU all can, either. . .because you put up with Tommy Vercetti."

The crowd EXPLODED with boos upon Claude's mention of Tommy.

"It hurts me to hear all that as much as it is to say, believe me. . .because as you all know. . .Tommy and I have been friends for a LONG time, since 2002. We fought in all types of deathmatches together. . .held all kinds of championships together. . .performed in front of crowds both small and large. We even made the decision to sign with Xtreme Cartoon Wrestling together. . .and to this day, we're still two of the most successful XCW Originals. There's no doubt he's an underrated talent. . .and one of the best hardcore wrestlers to ever carry a weapon to the ring.

But I've been watching everything Tommy's been up to since Silver Lining. . .and I hate what he's become as much as you do. I know we've torn up our fair share of cities in the past. . .but burning down a flower shop. . .turning his back on everyone. . .and beating Tai to a bloody pulp in the center of the ring well after he's secured a victory. . .that's not something my best friend would do. I've tried talking to him outside of Monday Night Massacre, but he's a hard man to find these days, and more violent than usual. HOWEVER. . .if there's anyone more violent than he is. . .

. . .

. . .it's ME."

The crowd exploded with cheers upon Claude's proclamation.

"Of all this company's originals, I've done more in the first ten months of XCW's initial year of operation than all of them. . .and I did it all with my own brand of violence, intensity and appetite for destruction. I am a former XCW World Television Champion. . .the FIRST XCW Original to hold two belts from two companies at the same time. . .the first XCW original to hold two belts from this sole company at once. . .and its FIRST ever Hardcore Champion. But there are THREE more accomplishments that I want to fulfill before the year's out. FIRST. . .I want to be the Xtreme Cartoon Wrestling Heavyweight Champion of the World. It's the most coveted prize in this company, and to wear it as one of this company's homegrown stars would mean everything to me. But the quickest road to do that. . .is our next pay-per-view, Ecstasy of Gold. And AT Ecstasy of Gold. . .there will be an over-the-top battle royal that pits 30 men against each other with the right to be in the main event of our first-ever Show of Shows, Animania, on the line. And that leads me to the SECOND goal I want to achieve by the year's end. . .

. . .

. . .I want to WIN the first-ever Ecstasy of Gold Battle Royal. But my THIRD accomplishment. . .is one I'm going to do RIGHT NOW. . .

. . .

. . .and that's be the FIRST-EVER man to DECLARE for it."

The crowd ERUPTED with cheers at Claude's announcement, followed by chants of, "YES! YES! YES! YES!"

"I don't care what number I draw, I don't care who's in the ring with me when I get there." Claude assured, "I am gonna go into that battle royal and FIGHT LIKE HELL. . .because if there's anybody that's worked harder to be the best since fighting in backyards, and the JCW and CZW days in 2001, it's-"

All of a sudden, Claude was interrupted. . .

. . .

. . .when "Tank!" by The Seatbelts played. . .?

Liberty City's Lucifer then stopped to look up the ramp. . .

. . .

. . .and see SPIKE SPIEGEL step onto the stage with a microphone in hand and a cigarette in his mouth!

"Claude Speed has opened tonight's episode of Monday Night Massacre with one hell of a declaration!" Frylock called. "He is the first man to declare himself an entrant into our first-ever Ecstasy of Gold battle royal that will take place live in Toontown in less than six weeks' time! But it looks like the Original Space Cowboy has something to say about that. . .what it could be, though, I have no earthly idea!"

"Neither do I, Frylock, because this guy's in way over his head!" Shake snapped. "Spike Spiegel has spent how many months off this program playing with his c**k or gun while chainsmoking, and just because he's joined one of the fastest rising factions in the entire fiction wrestling multiverse, he thinks he has a counterpoint to Claude Speed? That is, if you can CALL what Claude just said a point. You can declare yourself for the Ecstasy of Gold Battle Royal and talk about accomplishing your own goals all you want, but until you actually DO achieve 'em, you're just blowing smoke up all the asses of these goddamn idiots! Let's see what this unqualified moron has to say about Claude's bullshit!"

Spike only made it halfway down the ramp before putting the microphone up to his mouth.

"Yeah, those are some nice words, Claude. . .but there's a little loose end you gotta tie up before doing ANY of that. . ." Spike said, leisurely stepping down the ramp. ". . .you see, before you gained all those accolades, before you appeared on WWE's Animation Division, before you fought at Wrestlemania. . .you feuded with a guy looking to prove to himself and the entire wrestling world that he was hardcore. You feuded with the first man to use the 24/7 rule to his advantage and win the XCW Hardcore Championship. You feuded with a man with ambitions of being the next great XCW Original. . .and right now. . ."

Spike stepped into the ring over all three ropes and stood across from Claude.

". . .you are LOOKING. . .AT. THAT. MAN. I've been sitting on my hands for too long waiting for a shot at you, and I'm taking matters into my own hands. . .because I am a different man now than I was back when XCW started. I'm not sitting on the sideline anymore. . .because I roll with a new crew now to the beat of my own drum. There's no question that you're a great in-ring talent, and one of the best wrestlers to transition out of the Hardcore division. But in LIF, it doesn't matter who we face night in and night out, our opponents are all the same to us: just another guy in our path toward greatness, and Ecstasy of Gold will be MY night to shine, because I have something MORE to prove. . .that being the fact I am an XCW Original on par with the likes of you, Tommy and Hotsuma. . .that LIF is a faction on the rise. . .and that I am TRULY ungovernable. So if you wanna be the first man to declare for the XCW Ecstasy of Gold Battle Royal, that's all well and good. . .

. . .

. . .

. . .now allow me to be the SECOND."

The crowd exploded with cheers upon Spike's declaration, to a chuckle from Claude.

"Wow, Spike. . .you've been holding that in for a long time, I can tell." responded Claude. "But seriously, I've been watching your work, too, and you DO have a bright future. You've proven to the world that you deserve a spot in this company, and you're not gonna lose it anytime soon. And you're right, we DO have history. But after I beat you for the XCW Hardcore title all those months ago, our careers went on different paths. I walked alone on the beaten path to get to this point. . .only reaching out to friends when I needed to. Meanwhile, you had to attach yourself to a faction and use its own name to elevate yourself. I wish you didn't have to do that. . .but you did. So if you wanna prove to yourself that you are truly ungovernable. . .

. . .

. . .you'll face me later tonight one-on-one, and THEN you'll show me that you really ARE your own man."

The crowd ERUPTED upon hearing Claude's challenge, as Spike looked down at the floor for a beat and took a long drag of his cigarette before putting it out against a turnbuckle and flicking it against the barricade.

"You took the words right out of my mouth, Claude." Spike responded. "And to think you used to be the silent type. I may be a member of Los Ingobernables de Ficcion, but they don't define me. I DO. I wanna make that fact loud AND clear. . .along with the truth that I WILL win the first-ever Ecstasy of Gold Battle Royal, whether I have to go through you or NOT. But I want these people to see it for themselves. . .so if there's one thing I have to say to your challenge, and your goal of winning the Ecstasy of Gold Battle Royal. . .it's that I don't want to wait for later tonight. . ."

. . .

. . .I want to have the match RIGHT. NOW. What do you say to THAT?"

Claude chuckled to himself before turning to look at the fans in one direction before turning in the opposite one. . .and then looked back at Spike, pointing his hand in the shape of a gun, and saying one word off-mic. . .

. . .

. . .

". . .bang."

Claude set his arm to his side and looked back up at Spike with a confident smirk as a referee ran down the ramp!

"Well, Monday Night Massacre is already off to one hell of a start, Shake!" Frylock called. "Not only did Claude Speed and Spike Spiegel both declare for the first-ever Ecstasy of Gold Battle Royal, they're set to have their first match in nine months against each other right here and right now! A rivalry has been renewed, and it's coming up right after this!"

Claude and Spike stared each other down in the center of the ring as the show transitioned to a commercial break.

---

As Monday Night Massacre returned from break, the bell rang and the match began to show Claude and Spike charging toward each other and meeting in the center of the ring only for Spike to nail Claude in the face with a running high knee that sent him reeling into the corner! Spike then hammered away at Claude's sternum with a series of chops before pulling him back into the ring for a snapmare! Spike then pulled Claude up in a Full Nelson before lifting him off his feet and taking him down with a reverse suplex! Spike turned Claude over and went for the cover, hooking the leg! 1. . .2. . .Claude kicked out! The Original Space Cowboy then pulled Claude up by his collar and nailed him in the chest with a series of chops that backed him up into a corner. Spike then Irish whipped Claude out of it only for Liberty City's Lucifer to counter it with an Irish whip of his own! Spike landed in the corner and Claude charged toward him only for the Original Space Cowboy to send him reeling into the center of the ring with a kick to the face. Spike then darted out of the corner and took Claude down with a running clothesline before running the ropes and landing a leg drop across Claude's chest! Spike went for the cover, hooking the leg! 1. . .2. . .Claude kicked out!

Spike pulled Claude up and slugged him with a right hand, but Liberty City's Lucifer fired back with a back elbow to the face! Claude then followed that up with a three-punch combination before Irish whipping Spike across the ring and taking him down on the bounceback with a Lou Thesz Press! Claude hammered away on Spike's face with thunderous right hands to MASSIVE cheers from the crowd! Upon standing up and stepping toward a corner, Claude charged toward Spike and landed a running knee strike against his temple before lifting him up by the hair and dropping him with a scoop slam! Claude went for the cover, hooking the leg 1. . .2. . .Spike kicked out! Claude pulled Spike up by the arm and nailed him with a series of short-arm right hands before Irish whipping him across the ring and hitting him with an arm drag, followed by a stomp to Spike's arm! Claude went for another cover 1. . .2. . .Spike kicked out!

"Spike and Claude are fighting each other with the same intensity that they had nine months ago at Whiplash!" Frylock called. "Who will gain the upper hand?"

Claude then pulled Spike up by the hair only for the Original Space Cowboy to retaliate with a right hand of his own! Spike then went for a jumping enziguri, but Claude ducked underneath it and caught Spike in a waist-lock before lifting him for a German suplex. . .only for Spike to drop out of it behind him-but Claude hit him with a back elbow right between the eyes before anything can land! Claude then dumped Spike onto the apron over all three ropes before running toward the ropes on the opposite side of the ring. . .

. . .

. . .AND DRIVING SPIKE OFF THE APRON TO THE RINGSIDE FLOOR WITH A SPEAR! The crowd EXPLODED with chants of, "HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!" and "X-C-DUB! X-C-DUB!"

"AND CLAUDE JUST HIT AN EMPHATIC OFFENSIVE MANEUVER ONTO SPIKE!" Frylock called, as Liberty City's Lucifer pulled himself up to a standing position, raising a fist to cheers from the crowd.

"Big deal. I can do that in my sleep!" Shake scoffed.

"Who will gain the upper hand in our opening contest that sees an old rivalry renewed?" Frylock wondered. "We'll find out right after these messages as we go picture-in-picture!"

Claude stepped toward Spike and pulled him up by the hair, only for Spike to tackle him into the ring apron as the match suddenly minimized to the top left corner of the TV screen to make room for a series of commercials, the first of which being very low-res videos of old GCW house shows with very cheap graphics of the bolded phrases appearing over them upon getting mentioned.

"NEXT FRIDAY! FRIDAY! FRIDAY!" screamed a monster truck voice over. "AT THE ROAD HOUSE IN TWIN PEAKS, WASHINGTON, PREPARE TO GET ANNIHILATED AS THE PCUW ARENA AND THE CANDY STORE ARE PROUD TO PRESENT GAME CHANGER WRESTLING: CARTOON CARNAGE'S NEWEST LIVE EVENT. . .

THEY CALL HIM MISTER CASH!

FEATURING SHOTARO KANEDA, WHO'S LOOKING TO REBOUND AGAINST THE LEGENDARY LONE WOLF, JOHN RAMBO! ALSO, THE TOXIC AVENGER AND MARV SQUARE OFF IN A DEATHMATCH, AND IN OUR MAIN EVENT, GCW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION JAMES EARL CASH PUTS HIS TITLE ON THE LINE AGAINST THE ONE, THE ONLY HELLBOY! AND DON'T MISS THE OPPORTUNITY OF A LIFETIME TO MEET AND GREET WITH UWE LEGEND SIR DANIEL FORTESQUE! TICKETS ARE JUST FIFTEEN BUCKS! THE FIRST ONE HUNDRED PEOPLE AT THE GATE GET A FREE JAWBREAKER! TICKETS ARE AVAILABLE AT AND THE CANDY STORE! DOORS OPEN THIS FRIDAY NIGHT AT ELEVEN PM EASTERN, 9 PACIFIC, WITH THE SHOW STARTING AT MIDNIGHT EASTERN, TEN PACIFIC, AND STREAMING LIVE ON FITE TV!

BE THERE! BE THERE! BE THEEEEEEEEERE!"

The second commercial faded up on a montage of moments from the LCW Conquest: Twin Peaks wrestling show, starting with Buster Bunny's first entrance.

"LCW's first live Conquest saw incredible action. . ." said an announcer, as the commercial cut to a Franklin and Huckle Cat dropping Caesar and Django Freeman with the Super Collider.

"OH MY GOD!" Morty exclaimed, as the advertisement cut to Wendy Corduroy's surprise ambush on Fujiko Mine, followed by Eek! The Cat's diving senton through a table on the stage.

"THAT WAS ABSOLUTELY FREAKIN' SICK, MORTY!" called Rick, as the spot cut to Dorian Grey catching D-Mob's finishing hook punch to follow it up with a series of roundhouse kicks.

". . .unforgettable moments. . ." said the announcer, as Dorian Grey posed on the stage, raising the LCW Championship high above his head before cutting to black.

". . .and surprise additions." the announcer said, as the commercial cut to Jason Voorhees chokeslamming Dorian Grey onto the stage.

"Others perform. . .Jason KILLS." said Freddy Krueger under a foreboding shot of Jason looking into the camera.

"What happened in Twin Peaks. . .and what's in store for LCW's future? Find out this Wednesday on LCW: Liberty City Wrestling, simulcasting on the FWM Network and CNT!" declared the announcer, before the break transitioned to another commercial.

The commercial faded up on an anthropomorphic golden retriever wearing a v-neck t-shirt standing next to a young twenty-something man wearing a yellow beanie.

"Has this ever happened to you?" asked the twentysomething.

"You want to be a professional wrestler. . ." proposed the golden retriever.

". . .but your gimmick sticks out like a sore thumb in every major promotion." finished the twentysomething.

"In fact, no matter where you go, whether it be an independent promotion, or a promotion on a different planet or a different universe, you're given the cold shoulder because no one sees anything in you." proposed the golden retriever.

". . .fret no more. . ." said the twentysomething. ". . .because we do."

"I'm Mr. Peanutbutter," said the golden retriever.

"And I'm Todd Chavez," introduced the twentysomething. "And together, we're running PB&J's School For Wrestlers!"

"Got an act too outlandish for your local promotion, or too intimidated by the carnies of the wrestling business?" asked Mr. Peanutbutter. "Enroll in our wrestling school and we'll show you the ropes, and you'll show them to us, because my business partner and I don't know a thing about wrestling!"

"But that's the appeal of PB&J's School for Wrestlers: we learn along with you," said Todd.

"And that's not all!" interjected Mr. Peanutbutter. "If you receive high marks, you'll get a spot on the card for PB&J Wrestling's first-ever wrestling show in Hollywoo on Animania weekend!"

"This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and our classes are filling up fast. So enroll today!" implored Todd.

"PB&J's School For Wrestlers: A Wrestling School for the Wrest of Us." finished Mr. Peanutbutter underneath the PB&J Wrestling logo before the show transitioned back to the arena, where Claude and Spike were back in the ring, and charging toward each other for a running dropkick and a clothesline respectively, only for both men to take each other down in unison! The crowd stood up and gave a standing ovation to both men before chanting, "THIS IS AWESOME!" and clapping five times.

"We're back live here on Monday Night Massacre, and the fans are on their feet for the incredible wrestling action they are seeing before their eyes between "Liberty City's Lucifer" Claude Speed and "The Original Space Cowboy" Spike Spiegel!" Frylock called. "This may be the first time these two men have seen each other since January, but the animosity they share is coming through loud and clear! During the break, we saw Spike Spiegel goad Claude into punching him down the ringside floor, just evading one particular right hand that sent Claude's his fist right into the post and rendering it unusable. But later on, Claude would respond to that by lifting Spike up and driving him knees-first onto the announcer's table!"

"Yeah that move made Spike slower than Spongebob's stupid snail!" Shake quipped. "And now they're hobbling their way towards a photo finish. You can tell I'm being sarcastic, right? Just making sure you knew that."

As Frylock rolled his eyes, Spike and Claude pulled themselves up to a standing position and met in the center of the ring to trade right hands, with the crowd chanting, "YAY!" in unison with Claude's punches, and "BOO!" in unison with Spike's right hands. The two continued to trade strikes until Spike caught Claude off-guard with a roundhouse kick that sent him reeling against the ropes. Liberty City's Lucifer charged toward Spike on the bounceback and went for a clothesline, only for Spike to evade it and Irish whip Claude against the ropes, only for Claude to take him by surprise with an Inverted Atomic Drop! Spike reeled against the ropes behind him after the impact only for Claude to drop him on his back with a swinging neckbreaker! Claude went for the cover, hooking the far leg! 1. . .

. . .

2. . .

. . .

. . .SPIKE KICKED OUT! Claude couldn't believe it!

"Claude thought he had the match won, but Spike isn't letting him have it!" Frylock called, as Liberty City's Lucifer pulled Spike up to a standing position and nailed him with a three-punch combination until Spike nailed him in the side with a kick to the kidney! Spike then locked Spike in a front face lock and went for a suplex, but Claude fought out of it with right hands to the chest! Upon dropping onto his feet, Claude Irish whipped Spike across the ring and picked him up off the bounceback before dropping him against his knee with a side slam backbreaker! Spike winced in pain after the impact while Claude backed up to the opposing corner. . .

. . .

. . .only to dash out of it upon watching Spike pull himself up with the ropes. . .

. . .

. . .AND TAKE HIM DOWN WITH A HUGE SPEAR!

"AND SPIKE GOES DOWN WITH ANOTHER SPEAR FROM CLAUDE!" Frylock shouted. "WILL THAT BE ALL SHE WROTE?"

Claude pulled Spike into the center of the ring and went for the cover, hooking both legs! 1. . .

. . .

2. . .

. . .

. . .2.5 SPIKE KICKED OUT! Claude punched the mat in frustration!

"Even after hooking both legs, Spike still isn't down for the three count!" Frylock said. "And Claude looks like he's about to go ballistic!"

"I would be too, if I were him!" Shake agreed. "Spike's built like a goddamn tree! He should be EASY to keep down for the count!"

Claude pulled Spike up to a standing position and nailed him in the face with a right hand. . .or, he would have, if Spike didn't catch it and nail Claude in the face with a jumping high knee! Spike then followed that up with an enziguri that sent Claude reeling into the ropes behind him! Claude bounced off the ropes behind him, allowing Spike to pick him up and drop him with a Fireman's Carry Cutter! Spike went for the cover 1. . .

. . .

2. . .

. . .

. . .CLAUDE KICKED OUT! Spike pulled Claude up by the collar and Irish whipped him across the ring and lifted him up after the bounceback to drop him back down with a sidewalk slam! But the Original Space Cowboy remained on the attack by pulling Claude up to a standing position just to hook his leg. . .

. . .

. . .AND DROP HIM ON HIS HEAD WITH GANYMEDE ELEGY!

"OH MY GOD!" Frylock exclaimed. "SPIKE JUST DROPPED CLAUDE ON HIS HEAD WITH THAT LEG HOOK SAITO!"

"CLAUDE LOOKS LIKE HE'S BEEN KNOCKED INTO NEXT WEEK!" Shake added, as Spike went for the cover, hooking the leg! 1. . .

. . .

2. . .

. . .

. . .2.5 CLAUDE KICKED OUT! Spike stood up and got in the referee's face raising three fingers, attesting that the count was three.

"Spike thought he had his first-ever rival in XCW down for the count, but Claude's not an easy man to take out for the count!" Frylock called. "How will Spike follow up?"

"So much for turning a new leaf! This lazy bozo hasn't added ANYTHING new that'll put this two-bit punk away!" Shake dismissed, as Spike turned back around to face Claude, who socked him in the face with a three-punch combination! Claude then Irish whipped Spike across the ring and was met with an uppercut from Spike on the bounceback, but Liberty City's Lucifer ran off the ropes after the bounceback to knock Spike down with a sliding forearm smash! Claude then pulled Spike up to a standing position by his collar and slugged him with a short-arm right hand, but Spike retaliated with a punch to Claude's left temple! The Original Space Cowboy then charged toward him for a running knee strike, but Claude rolled out of the way and gripped Spike in a waist lock before lifting him off his feet. . .

. . .AND DROPPING HIM WITH A LIFTING REVERSE DDT! Claude went for the cover, hooking the far leg! 1. . .

. . .

2. . .

. . .

. . .SPIKE PUT HIS FOOT ON THE BOTTOM ROPE, CAUSING THE REFEREE TO CALL FOR A ROPE BREAK!

"What ring awareness from Spike!" Frylock called. "But Claude did not like that one bit, and now he's going after Spike's legs yet again!"

Indeed, Claude had rolled off from the cover and rammed his knees into the mat with a leg trap knee smash! Spike screamed in agonizing pain after the impact, but Claude didn't give him any time to recover, electing to immediately pull him up to a standing position and turn around to toss him into the center of the ring with a standing release suplex! But the look on the face of Liberty City's Lucifer said he wasn't satisfied with just that. . .he wanted to go for the kill, so Claude pulled Spike up in a front facelock and then lifted him high above his head. . .

. . .

. . .AND GOT A KNEE TO THE FACE FROM SPIKE BEFORE HE COULD LAND THE LIBERTY CITY SLAM! Claude reeled backward against the ropes from the impact but threw Spike over the ropes and onto the apron with a back body drop upon watching him charge forward for a clothesline! Spike clenched his lower back in pain until Claude pulled him up to a standing position. . .hooked him in a headlock. . .

. . .

. . .AND THIS TIME, CONNECTED WITH THE LIBERTY CITY SLAM IN THE CENTER OF THE RING!

"The second time's the charm for Claude Speed, as he dropped Spike on his head with that Vertical Suplex/DDT combination!" Frylock called. "And that wasn't an easy move to hit given Spike's height!"

"TIIIIIIIIMBEEEEEEEEERRRR!" Shake yelled, as Claude went for the cover, hooking both legs! 1. . .

. . .

2. . .

. . .

. . .2.75 SPIKE KICKED OUT!

"NOOOOO! SPIKE KICKED OUT!" Frylock called, to an exasperated sigh from Claude as he got up from the cover. But Claude was quick to turn Spike onto his chest. . .

. . .and lock him in a rear-naked chokehold!

"Claude's looking to go for a submission victory with that chokehold!" Frylock observed. "Liberty City's Lucifer is employing new techniques against his old foe! Will it get him to tap out?"

Spike tried to thrash and flail his way out of the submission move, but to no avail as Claude only intensified the hold, screaming for him to tap! The referee knelt down and asked Spike if he wanted to quit, but Spike violently shook his head no, trying to reach for the ropes, but they were too far! The Original Space Cowboy tried to use his height advantage to roll Claude toward the ropes. . .

. . .

. . .AND WAS ABLE TO GET CLOSER AFTER ONE ROTATION! Spike inched ever closer toward the ropes. . .

. . .

. . .extended his leg out. . .

. . .

. . .AND SUCCESSFULLY PLACED IT ON THE BOTTOM ROPE, FORCING THE REFEREE TO CALL FOR THE ROPE BREAK! Claude let go of the hold, rolling onto his chest from the momentum, and looked down at the puddle of his own sweat on the mat in frustrated contemplation while Spike used the ropes to pull himself up to a standing position.

"Claude Speed may be a rising star in this industry, but Spike Spiegel is proving that he himself has come into his own since joining Los Ingobernables de Ficcion!" Frylock called. "A win from the Original Space Cowboy tonight would be huge in terms of building momentum on the road toward the Ecstasy of Gold Battle Royal!"

"Come on, Frylock. You know Claude is gonna find some two-bit, thuggish way to weasel outta this mess!" Shake deduced. "It's within him to do that because he's a goddamn STREET RAT!"

"Liberty City's Lucifer has gotta be thinking, 'What do I have to do to beat Spike Spiegel?' right now! What sort of tricks will he pull from his sleeves as this match continues?" Frylock wondered, as Claude charged toward Spike, who had just reached a standing position, and was regaining his bearings as he saw Claude rear his arm back for a three-punch combination. . .

. . .

. . .but Spike dropped Claude onto the ropes with a drop toe hold!

"OOOOOOOH!" cringed Frylock. "Claude's neck got the brunt of that impact!"

"Good! Here's hoping I never have to hear him speak again!" Shake snapped, as Claude stumbled backward from the impact. . .

. . .

. . .AND RIGHT INTO A BRIDGING TIGER SUPLEX FROM SPIKE! The referee made the count 1. . .

. . .

2. . .

. . .

. . .CLAUDE KICKED OUT, AND ROLLED INTO A SEATED POSITION IN THE CORNER TO REGAIN HIS BEARINGS!

"Spike almost had the win well in hand, but Claude's not giving up in this match against his first rival!" Frylock called, as Spike made his way up to a standing position and ran forward for a corner dropkick. . .

. . .but Claude rolled out of the way, causing Spike to hit the bottom turnbuckle pad! Claude then pulled Spike up and had him up for a half and half suplex. . .

. . .

. . .only for Spike to land on his feet and whip around to sock him in the face with a roundhouse kick! After a judo kick sent Claude reeling into the opposite corner, Spike followed that up with a headbutt that sent him back down to a seated position. The Original Space Cowboy then ran to the opposite corner only to charge toward Claude. . .

. . .

. . .AND RAM HIM WITH DOUBLE KNEES ONTO HIS CHEST! Spike then gripped Claude by the hair and pulled him up to a standing position in the center of the ring. . .

. . .

. . .BEFORE DROPPING HIM WITH THE BRAIN SCRATCH!

"WHAT A MOVE FROM SPIKE SPIEGEL!" Frylock called. "He's used that maneuver since joining LIF. . .will it be the move that earns him the biggest victory in his XCW career?"

Spike went for the cover, hooking the leg! 1. . .

. . .

2. . .

. . .

. . .2.75 CLAUDE KICKED OUT!

"NO! CLAUDE JUST GOT THE SHOULDER UP!" Frylock called, as Spike rolled up from the cover with a pained expression on his face. . .

. . .

. . .but then he pulled himself up to a vertical base. . .

. . .

. . .stepped into a nearby corner. . .

. . .

. . .AND STOMPED ONTO THE MAT!

"Spike's had enough of Claude's persistence and determination. . .so he's tuning up the proverbial band led by the prolific singer-songwriter Yoko Kanno in hopes of putting him down for good and earning the biggest victory in his young wrestling career!"

"Yeah and it's a pretty shitty band if you ask me!" Shake retorted. "There ain't a single guitar solo for me to headbang to! It's sappy shit that I would hear at an opera or some swanky crap like that I can't afford!"

Spike stomped on the mat for a second time. . .

. . .

. . .then a THIRD. . .

. . .

. . .before pointing a gun-shaped hand at Claude, who was pulling himself up across the ring. . .

. . .

. . .and said, "Bang" off-mic before charging forward. . .

. . .

. . .AND WHIFFING ON REAL FOLK BLUES BECAUSE CLAUDE EVADED IT AND RAN THE ROPES! Spike turned around to face his adversary. . .

. . .WHO TOOK HIM DOWN WITH A LOU THESZ PRESS TO AN EXPLOSION OF CHEERS FROM THE FANS! Claude hammered away at Spike's face with a flurry of right hands before standing up and shouting, "NOW IT'S MY TURN!" at the fans to more cheers, as he tried to shake feeling back into his hand!

"CLAUDE SAW REAL FOLK BLUES COMING!" Frylock yelled. "HE MAY HAVE JUST KNOCKED SPIKE INTO NEXT WEEK WITH THOSE RIGHT HANDS! He may not know what's coming NEXT. . ."

"This dumbass may not care about the health of his hand, Frylock! That's the same one that hit the post earlier!" Shake observed, as Claude ran the ropes behind Spike and charged back at him for a Bicycle Kick. . .

. . .

. . .BUT SPIKE ROLLED OUT OF THE WAY! Claude stopped in his tracks before he could hit the ropes or fall onto the apron, giving Spike the all clear to lock him into a standing sleeper hold! Spike wrenched and intensified to the best of his ability. . .

. . .but Claude backed up into a corner, driving Spike into the turnbuckles and forcing him to let go of the hold. . .which gave Liberty City's Lucifer the opening to lock Spike into a headlock and drop him on his head in the center of the ring with a running bulldog! Both Claude and Spike were down in the center of the ring as the fans exploded with cheers and applause!

"This sellout crowd here in Gravity Falls can't get enough of our opening contest, Shake, and I don't blame them, because Claude and Spike have not only came out here tonight to fight, but they also came out with something to prove! Claude wants to prove he's the man to beat in the Ecstasy of Gold Battle Royal, while Spike wants to prove he's a star on the same level as Liberty City's Lucifer, and someone to watch out for in said battle royal!" Frylock informed. "But only one of these rivals can leave this match with momentum with Ecstasy of Gold just five weeks away!"

"It takes a lot to impress me, Frylock. And when I say a lot, I mean a lotta violence, blood and gore!" Shake said. "You sit there and mean to tell me that both of these men, two FORMER HARDCORE CHAMPIONS, ain't gonna try to sneak a weapon into this snoozefest? You're freakin' ridiculous!"

"What's ridiculous is how much these two have beaten the hell out of each other during this match, and the crazy thing is, this is only our first contest tonight!" Frylock added. "Who knows what else is going to happen here in Gravity Falls-"

Claude slowly but surely drug himself toward the ropes on the far side of the ring while Spike was making his way toward the adjacent side. . .

. . .

. . .while 'Some Bodies Gonna Get It' by Three 6 Mafia played. . .?

"-now wait a damn minute. . ." Frylock said upon hearing the music, ". . .who's music is THAT?"

"It's gotta be a mistake by our producer." Shake predicted. "He's always sending me music recommendations when I told him time and time again that MUMFORD AND SONS ARE PIECES OF SHIT!"

Claude and Spike chose to ignore it as they charged toward each other, meeting in a brawl in the center of the ring. . .

. . .

. . .

. . .but they couldn't ignore the EXPLOSION of shock from the fans. . .

. . .

. . .so they turned to look toward the stage. . .

. . .

. . .

. . .

. . .

. . .TO SEE GARFIELD STOMPING ONTO IT AND DOWN THE RAMP!

"OH MY GOD!" Frylock exclaimed. "IT'S-IT'S GARFIELD! THE FORMER XCW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION GARFIELD HAS RETURNED TO MONDAY NIGHT MASSACRE!"

"AND HE'S SOMEHOW SMALLER THAN HE WAS BEFORE, FRYLOCK!" Shake added. "What'd Arbuckle do, get him on Peloton or some hippie bullcrap?"

"I don't know what the hell he did, but what I do know is the last time we saw Garfield, he suffered a concussion among other injuries against Tai Kamiya in their Last Man Standing match at XCW Heatwave several months back!" Frylock informed. "But now Garfield is here in Gravity Falls still looking big, but at about the same height as Claude, and with a new collar to boot and no Jon Arbuckle or Odie in sight! What the hell does he want with Claude and Spike?"

"I dunno, but he looks like his pal Nermal didn't make the flight to Abu Dhabi! Shake responded. "He looks PISSED the F off!"

The fans exploded with chants of, "HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!" as Claude and Spike looked on at Garfield, confused by his presence. . .

. . .

. . .but Garfield pulled the referee out of the ring by his feet before climbing over all three ropes. . .and staring down Claude and Spike with an incensed glare. . .

. . .

. . .before putting a microphone up to his mouth, and saying. . .

. . .

". . .I'm BACK. . .

. . .

. . .to make it THREE."

At that moment, Garfield GRABBED CLAUDE BY THE THROAT. . .

. . .

. . .AND THEN DROPPED THE MIC TO GRAB SPIKE BY THE THROAT! Garfield then lifted both men off their feet. . .

. . .to take them down with a HUGE double Chokeslam!

"BAH GAWD SHAKE!" Frylock yelled. "I think Garfield's declared for Ecstasy of Gold!"

"What was your FIRST clue, Einstein?" Shake asked, before Garfield pulled Claude up by the collar, which ripped a GIANT hole in his shirt. Garfield then smothered him into the corner, shouting, "YOU SEE THIS? HUH? YOU SEE THIS?" while raising his open palm. . .

. . .

. . .AND SLAPPED CLAUDE IN THE CHEST WITH AN OPEN PALMED CHOP ONTO THE OPEN SPOT ON HIS CHEST! As the crowd screamed, "OHHHHHHHHHHHH!" from the impact, Claude winced in pain and slowly stumbled out of the corner. . .

. . .

. . .AND RIGHT INTO THE ARMS OF GARFIELD! Garfield then stood over Spike, who was on his hands and knees struggling to stand. . .

. . .

. . .UNTIL GARFIELD DROPPED CLAUDE ONTO SPIKE WITH A HIGH ANGLE FALLING POWERSLAM!

"GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY!" Frylock cringed. "Garfield just laid both Claude and Spike to waste with that brand new move in his arsenal!"

The crowd EXPLODED with boos as Claude and Spike laid on top of each other in a crumbled heap while Garfield stood in the center of the ring, staring menacing daggers at the fans with a malicious expression before climbing over all three ropes and making his way up the ramp.

"Garfield is BACK. . ." Frylock foreboded, ". . .Garfield looks STRONGER, FASTER AND ANGRIER than ever before. . .and it's CLEAR that GARFIELD. . .

. . .

. . .has an ECSTASY OF GOLD!"

Garfield snarled at the ring as Claude and Spike rolled off each other, selling the pain of their injuries until a camera followed Garfield into the backstage area, where he stomped down a hallway until he passed a nearby shelf, on which Meatwad sat with a microphone in hand.

"Hey, Garfield. . ." Meatwad said, stopping the XCW Monster in his tracks. ". . .uh, let me be the first to, uh...welcome you back to XCW! Now that you're back, where have you been, what are your goals, and, uh…..why did you attack Claude and Spike just no-"

Meatwad was suddenly interrupted when an incensed Garfield ripped the microphone out of his hand.

"Shouldn't you KNOW better than to sneak up on me?" Garfield shouted. "If you weren't RAW, I'd EAT YOU ALIVE!"

Garfield then picked Meatwad up off the shelf. . .

. . .

. . .AND THREW HIM DOWN THE HALL AND ONTO A WALL WITH A SPLAT! Garfield then looked RIGHT into the camera with an angry stare.

"For the PAST FOUR MONTHS, I've been RECOVERING. . .I've been TRAINING. . .and I've been LEARNING the ins and outs of this collar that helps me speak. But even if I didn't have this thing, you all would know what's on my mind. . .and that's the XCW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP. I held that title for only ONE MONTH after I won it, and that didn't sit well with me ONE BIT. My owner and manager Jon Arbuckle NEVER let me hear the end of it after I made a full recovery from my concussion, so much that I agreed to go through his diet and exercise regiment as long as he STAYED OUT OF MY BUSINESS. I MADE the ultimatum because in order to succeed in this business, I don't need JON. . .I don't need ODIE. . .I don't need ANYONE. Because I'm not just XCW's Monster. . .I am the WORLD'S. LARGEST. CATHLETE. Claude and Spike were just two men that happened to be in the ring tonight. . .and now that they learned the hard way that I am going to enter the first-ever Ecstasy of Gold Battle Royal, they BETTER stay out of my way. Because it doesn't matter WHO'S the XCW World Heavyweight Champion, who's coming into the battle royal after me, or who's in the ring by the time I get there. . .I am going to WIN the Battle Royal, fight in the main event of Animania, and RECLAIM what is RIGHTFULLY MINE! So consider this REALLY bad news for the rest of the XCW roster. . .just because I got smaller doesn't mean I lost my appetites for food OR destruction. I am FASTER, MORE DANGEROUS, AND MORE POWERFUL THAN I WAS BEFORE, and if ANYONE dares to step in my path toward becoming the XCW World Heavyweight Champion. . .

. . .

. . .

. . .I WILL EAT. . .

. . .

. . .YOU. . .

. . .

. . .ALIVE."

Garfield threw the microphone onto the floor below him before stomping out of the interview area with a menacing glare until the show transitioned to a commercial break.

---

As XCW Monday Night Massacre returned from break, a janitor was cleaning Meatwad off the wall in the background while Samurai Jack stood next to Mimi Tachikawa, who had a microphone in her hand.

"Samurai Jack, last night at Abolishment, you interfered in Joffrey Baratheon's match against Spike Spiegel, costing him a victory against the Original Space Cowboy." Mimi said, "Can you explain your reasons for doing that, and what are your plans now that you've returned after a three-week absence?"

"First of all. . .as a samurai warrior, I follow the code of bushido, known as 'The Way of the Warrior'," informed Samurai Jack. "The way of the warrior involves living with benevolence toward mankind, truthfulness, loyalty, honor and glory, valor, and courtesy. Joffrey Baratheon may be a man of royalty, but he fights with none of these qualities. He proved that as much when he cost me the World Television Championship weeks ago. But my return last night was meant to inform him that I didn't forget what he did, and a man of his monstrousness deserved to be punished. Now that I have done that, I must announce that I am declaring myself an official entrant in the Ecstasy of Gold Battle Royal. I was a former World Heavyweight Champion long ago when I fought for CWF, and believe it is my destiny to fight on that level for the most coveted prize in this company, because it was an absolute honor to be an XCW Original when this company was founded, but the honor and glory to hold a championship here is something I long to feel. Good things for me are on the horizon, and I will stop at nothing to-"

All of a sudden, Jack was interrupted. . .

. . .

. . .BECAUSE SOLOMON GRUNDY AND BIZARRO AMBUSHED HIM FROM BEHIND AND STOMPED A MUDHOLE INTO HIM ON THE FLOOR!

"OH MY GOD!" Frylock shouted. "THE OUTCASTS ARE HERE! AND THEY'RE AMBUSHING SAMURAI JACK! WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?"

"Damn good television, that's the meaning of it, Frylock!" Shake declared. "I love me a good beatdown!"

Mimi screamed and ran away from the attack, leaving Solomon Grundy to pull Samurai Jack up by the hair, only for Jack to retaliate with karate chops to Grundy's head and sternum! Jack then turned toward Bizarro, who was coming toward him on his other side and slugged him with a European uppercut before following up with a high knee and a three-karate chop combination! Jack then slugged Grundy with a right hand, only for Bizarro to retaliate with a headbutt, then his size advantage overwhelmed Jack, as he grabbed him by the shoulders and hit him in the gut with kicks and knees until Grundy regained his bearings and beat Jack in the sternum with right and left hands. Grundy then pulled Jack away from the wall and gripped both sides of his waist to belly-to-belly suplex him into a soda machine! Jack landed on his head in a crumbled heap on the floor, but Grundy continued to stomp a mudhole into Jack's sternum.

"GRUUUUUNDYYYYYY!" moaned Bizarro. "IT BIZARRO'S TURN!"

Solomon Grundy then pulled Jack up by the hair and tossed him into Bizarro, who lifted him HIGH off his shoulders. . .

. . .

. . .AND DROVE HIM THROUGH A CATERING TABLE WITH AN ELEVATOR DROP!

"THIS IS HEINOUS! SOMEBODY STOP THIS!" Frylock demanded.

"YEAH! I was gonna get a slice of that pizza after the next break!" Shake added, as Bizarro pulled Jack up and lifted him off his feet for a chokeslam. . .

. . .

. . .BUT ON HIS WAY DOWN, GRUNDY ADDED A BOOT TO THE BACK OF JACK'S HEAD BEFORE BIZARRO THREW HIM THROUGH A WINDOW AND INTO A STACK OF PALETTES WITH A RUNNING CHOKESLAM!

"GOOD GOD!" Frylock shouted, as Grundy and Bizarro stared down Jack menacingly until Two-Face stepped into the scene to stand between them.

"Joffrey Baratheon sends his regards, Jack!" Two-Face said, to boos from the crowd. "Next time you cost him a match, or try to retaliate against him or us for what just happened to you, let me give you one piece of advice. . ."

Two-Face then flipped a coin with his thumb, watching it fly high in the air and land scratched-side up on Jack's prone body.

". . .think about your chances."

Two-Face patted Grundy on the shoulder, cueing him and Bizarro to turn a corner and follow him down the hallway and out of the scene, leaving Jack groaning in pain in a pile of broken wood and glass until the show transitioned to Frylock and Master Shake sitting at the announcer's desk.

"Well, Shake, we've just gotten started here on Monday Night Massacre, but we've hit the ground running tonight, Shake!" Frylock called. "First Claude Speed and Spike Spiegel, two XCW Originals and former adversaries in our Hardcore division rekindled their rivalry after they both declared for the first-ever Ecstasy of Gold Battle Royal, but then during their match, the self-proclaimed World's Largest Cathlete, Garfield, made his return after four months of being out of action!"

"And then HE declared for the Ecstasy of Gold Battle Royal!" Shake added. "If you ask me, the ring is already big enough between Garfield's fat ass, Claude and Spike's giant egos and Samurai Jack's ignorance! But who even knows if Jack will even MAKE IT to EoG after that ambush! That was AWESOME! Joffrey Baratheon sure knows how to pick the right henchmen, because that was DAMN sure fun to watch! The First of His Character is the smartest man I know in XCW!"

"He's the most cowardly man on our roster, as far as I'm concerned." Frylock deadpanned. "He couldn't confront Samurai Jack about his ambush man-to-man, so Joffrey hired The Outcasts to attack him and send his message for him! If they come for Jack, he's outnumbered and in for a world of hurt on his road toward Ecstasy of Gold."

"After the shit he pulled last night interfering in Joffrey's match, I can't wait to watch ALL of it!" Shake said with glee. "Do you think we're gonna get a live execution?"

Frylock blinked twice. ". . .let's hope not, Shake. . .and on that note, there's hope and opportunity on the horizon for several talents in our women's division, because there's one stop we have to make before Ecstasy of Gold, that being our first-ever all-women's pay-per-view event, Equal Pain! And speaking of firsts, right now it's time for our first matchup in the first round of our Women's Tag Team Championship Tournament, so let's take it back to Carl Brutanandilewski in the ring!"

"Aw great…..MORE bullshit." Shake quipped before the show transitioned to the ring, where Carl Brutanandilewski stood in the center of the ring with a microphone in hand.

---

"The following contest is a Women's Tag Team Championship Tournament Quarterfinal match scheduled for one fall!"

"Real Emotion" by Koda Kumi played as Yuna strutted onto the ramp to cheers from the crowd while Rikku skipped onto the entranceway and flashed a pose for the audience.

"Introducing first. . .the team of Yuna and Rikku. . .THEEEEEE SPHERE HUNTEEEEEEERS!"

"Last night saw Yuna and Rikku debut themselves in a tag team as The Sphere Hunters on the XCW Abolishment Kickoff Show in an exhibition match against The Elwood City Strikes, Francine Frensky and Sue Ellen Armstrong. It was a solid back and forth matchup between the two teams, but in the end, it was Yuna and Rikku who got the victory after a beautiful double Shining Wizard! These two best friends and adventure companions have taken trips down to our developmental territory, LCW, but they both have proven to be a major benefit to both women, because they are at the top of their game, and looking to score their first championship in our women's division, and the Women's Tag Team Championship Tournament starting right here and right now will provide just that!" Frylock informed, as Yuna entered the ring above the second rope and stepped on a top rope in a corner, waving toward the fans while Rikku posed on the opposite turnbuckle, pointing toward the fans and smiling at them with excitement.

"Gimme a break, Frylock!" scoffed Shake. "These two bimbos, especially YUNA, have been fighting for a top title ever since XCW began! In fact, Yuna suffered one of the most embarrassing defeats in this company's young history, and no matter what she does or how many number one contendership tournaments she wins, she can't win the big one because she bruises like a goddamn banana! All it takes is for someone to put her in one submission hold and she'll tap out faster than an anteater wrapped in a snake! And she's gonna have her best friend here to bail her out at every turn, so if these good for nothing bitches go all the way in this tournament and win the XCW Women's Tag Team titles, it'll be through luck and convenience and nothing more!"

Yuna and Rikku met in the center of the ring, looking up the ramp with anticipation. . .

. . .

. . .as "Run Through The Jungle" by Creedence Clearwater Revival played, and Nausicaa stepped onto the stage waving toward the fans with a cheerful smile, while San stepped onto the stage wearing her trademark red kabuki mask and a pelt of fur down her back like a cape, leading her tag and business partner down the ramp.

"And their opponents. . .making their Xtreme Cartoon Wrestling debut. . .the team of San. . .aaaaaaand Nausicaa. . .THE MIYAZAKIIIIIIIII MAIIIIIIIIDEEEEEEEEEENS!"

"Meanwhile, their opponents here tonight, the Miyazaki Maidens are making their XCW debut, and everything these two have done in fiction wrestling, they have done it together!" Frylock informed. "They were former Women's Tag Team Champions in Northern Carnage Wrestling, and currently wrestle for and run the independent wrestling promotion, Heart and Soul Wrestling in another dimension! But they were drafted together by Xtreme Cartoon Wrestling as wrestlers in the second annual FWM Draft, and are looking to make the same impact here that they did in NCW and on the indie scene, and a win over Yuna and Rikku as well as making history as our first-ever Women's Tag Team Champions would do just that!"

San and Nausicaa then posed on opposite turnbuckles, where San removed her mask to stare at the fans with a stoic but intimidating expression while Nausicaa pumped her hands toward the fans in a cheerful, excited motion.

"Well, these two are in WAY over their head." Shake dismissed. "They may have won tag titles or two in their career, and they may run a promotion, but they live in the freakin' forest and a dumb valley in the clouds! They're not as tough as they appear to be! Hell, I'd be willing to bet that the talent in NCW doesn't hold a candle to the talents that this company has to offer-"

"You know what, Shake, you BELITTLE and BASH every single one of our female talents and YOU KNOW IT!" interrupted Frylock. "So what goddamn difference does it make whether our female roster is better than another's or not to you?"

"It's all about who isn't outright horrible!" Shake responded. "And because I'mma company man, ours DEFINITELY sucks less than all the other women's divisions in this business, and ours is gonna put on the least horrible all-women's show at Equal Pain in a few weeks. How's that for a positive spin, Frylock?"

"Just when I think you've said it all. . ." Frylock groaned, as the bell rang and the match began with Yuna facing off against San. The two strafed around in a circle until they met in the center of the ring for a tie-up, which San came out of with Yuna in a side headlock, but Yuna charged forward to drive San into the ropes, but Princess Mononoke whipped her down after the bounceback with a hip toss! San wrenched onto Yuna's head and neck area until Yuna nailed San in the face with a left hand that broke her grip, but San flipped onto her feet from the impact and went for a running knee strike, but San caught it and catapulted Yuna into a nearby corner before dropping her with a belly-to-belly side slam! San went for the quick cover 1. . .2. . .Yuna kicked out! San pulled Yuna up to a standing position and put her in a wrist-lock to wrench on her arm until she landed a roundhouse kick to it, then dropped her in the center of the ring with a facebuster! San went for the cover, hooking the leg! 1. . .2. . .Yuna kicked out!

San then pulled Yuna to a standing position and Irish whipped her into her corner, only for Yuna to counter it into a wrist-lock of her own! The Cosmos Summoner then wrenched onto San's arm before Irish whipping her across the ring to drop her on the bounceback with an arm drag, then kept her grip on San's arm so she could land a leg drop onto her shoulder! Keeping her grip onto San's arm, Yuna pulled her up and Irish whipped her into her corner and tagged in Rikku, who entered the ring and watched Yuna whip San across the ring and took her down with a double sling blade on the bounceback! The Al Bhed Guardian then pulled San up and Irish whipped her into a nearby corner and went for a series of corner strikes, only for San to nail her in the side of the head with an enziguri! San then gripped Rikku in a waist lock and lifted her up for a back suplex, only for Rikku to land behind her and drop her with a Backstabber! Rikku then sat Princess Mononoke up and took her down with a dropkick to her back! Rikku went for the cover 1. . .2. . .San kicked out! Rikku then pulled San up and tagged Yuna back in before setting San in an Argentine rack, and Yuna then leapt off the top rope to land a diving neckbreaker! Yuna went for the cover 1. . .2. . .San kicked out!

"Yuna and Rikku are looking to employ the same strategy that won them their match last night, that being quick tags in and out!" Frylock observed. "And so far, it's put them in the driver's seat early on in this first round matchup!"

"Don't worry, this is YUNA we're talking about." Shake deadpanned. "She'll find a way to choke just like she does with Tidus on a nightly basis!"

Yuna pulled San up to a standing position, only for Princess Mononoke to nail her in the face with a headbutt! Yuna cringed in pain as she backed up against the ropes until San dropkicked her over the ropes and onto the apron! The Cosmos Summoner pulled herself up to a standing position only for San to rub Yuna's fact along the top rope all the way to a nearby turnbuckle! San then gripped Yuna by the waist and dropped her back into the ring with a German suplex pin attempt! San went for the cover 1. . .2. . .Yuna kicked out! Grimacing in annoyance, San stood up and drug Yuna by the hair into her corner before tagging in Nausicaa, who joined her in mudhole stomping the Cosmos Summoner in the corner. The Miyazaki Maidens then pulled Yuna up to her feet and Irish whipped her across the ring and took her down with a double arm drag on the bounceback! Rikku then charged into the ring and went to take Nausicaa down with a three-punch combination, but Nausicaa caught the Al Bhed Guardian with a back elbow before hitting her with elbow strike after elbow strike until she was backed up into her corner while San was choking Yuna by pressing her neck against the top turnbuckle!

"Nausicaa is keeping Rikku from aiding her tag team partner, who is just being manhandled by Princess Mononoke!" Frylock shouted. "The Miyazaki Maidens are taking total control of this match!"

"They know Yuna's weak, and they're isolating her from her tag partner!" Shake added. "Smart strategy! I didn't know these two fairies had it in 'em!"

Nausicaa then pulled Rikku by her ponytail out of the corner and gripped her by the waist, while San had Yuna gripped in the opposite corner. . .

. . .

. . .BEFORE THEY THREW YUNA AND RIKKU INTO EACH OTHER IN THE CENTER OF THE RING WITH STEREO EXPLODER SUPLEXES!

"OOOOOOOOOH!" cringed Frylock. "What a creative manuever from the Miyazaki Maidens!"

San stepped over the second rope and stood on the apron while Nausicaa kicked Rikku under the bottom rope and out of the ring before going for the cover on Yuna! 1. . .2. . .Yuna kicked out!

"Yuna still has some life left in her, but Nausicaa and San have the upper hand!" Frylock called. "What will happen as the opening contest in our Women's Tag Team Championship Tournament continues after we come back from going picture-in-picture?"

Nausicaa pulled Yuna up to a standing position and slapped her in the chest with swift chops that backed her up into the corner as the match suddenly minimized to the top left corner of the TV screen to make room for a series of commercials, the first of which saw The Mask standing on a cruise ship holding out a few Old Spice products in his open palm.

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Indeed, the camera zoomed out to reveal that The Mask was now riding a horse backwards, and no longer holding Old Spice products in his open palm, but the logo for something called, 'XCWorld'.

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The commercial then transitioned to a Gill Wallace Inc. title card.

"Gill Wallace Incorporated. Changing Lives, Changing The World," finished Gill just before the commercial faded to black, allowing the show to transition back to the arena, where Nausicaa Irish whipped Yuna across the ring and drove her down to the mat chest-first with a driving back elbow on the bounceback. . .

. . .

. . .before locking her into the Crossface in the center of the ring!

"We're back live here on Monday Night Massacre, ladies and gentlemen, and in this opening round match in our Women's Tag Team Championship Tournament, it has been all Miyazaki Maidens!" Frylock informed. "For the duration of the break, San and Nausicaa have isolated Yuna and rendered her all but immobile! No matter how many times the Cosmos Summoner reached for a tag to Rikku, San and Nausicaa would find a way to keep Yuna in the ring, such as a moment when San had Yuna in an ankle lock, and the Cosmos Summoner was stretching for dear life toward her corner, but Princess Mononoke transitioned the ankle lock into an STF! And then later on in the match, Yuna gave herself some breathing room against Nausicaa after a fireman's carry gutbuster, then booked it toward the corner, but San dropped Rikku onto the outside floor with an electric chair drop! The Miyazaki Maidens have Yuna right where they want her, and now the Cosmos Summoner may tap out right here and right now! This would be a HUGE victory and a hell of a message for San and Nausicaa to make in their debut match here in Xtreme Cartoon Wrestling!"

"Would this REALLY be considered an UPSET?" Shake scoffed. "Yuna's a human punchline, and a weakling at that! She's gonna tap here, just like she always does when the chips are down! And speakin' of which, can we get some of those out here? I need something to eat."

"You may have a break in the action momentarily, Shake. . .because Nausicaa has that crossface locked in tight!" Frylock replied. "Will Yuna tap out?"

Yuna face contorted into a look of anger as Nausicaa kept the crossface hold applied. . .while Yuna inched once more toward the ropes. . .but could only get so far. The referee knelt down and asked Yuna if she wanted to quit. Yuna shook her head no, and with a swift burst of adrenaline, The Cosmos Summoner planted her hands flat onto the mat and tried to push herself up and crawl toward the ropes! Nausicca continued to wrench harder and harder on her submission maneuver while Yuna stretched and wormed toward the bottom rope. . .

. . .

. . .extended her arm out. . .

. . .

. . .BUT NAUSICAA ROLLED ONTO HER BACK, TRANSITIONING THE CROSSFACE INTO A MEXICAN SURFBOARD!

"NOOOOO! NAUSICAA TRANSITIONED THE SUBMISSION AGAIN!" Frylock screamed. "YUNA HAS NOWHERE TO GO!"

"THAT'S IT! SHE'S DONE FOR!" Shake yelled. "RIKKU MIGHT AS WELL WAVE A WHITE FLAG!"

"Yuna is showing amazing resiliency despite all the punishment she's taken!" Frylock declared, as the Cosmos Summoner screamed at the top of her lungs, while Nausicaa screamed, "TAP OOOOOOUT!" on the mat. . .

. . .

. . .UNTIL RIKKU SLID INTO THE RING AND PUSHED YUNA AND NAUSICAA DOWN, BREAKING THE HOLD!

"RIKKU'S NOT SURRENDERING JUST YET, SHAKE!" Frylock screamed. "SHE GOT HER BEST FRIEND OUT OF HER SUBMISSION PREDICAMENT!"

"Leave bailing out Yuna to Rikku!" Shake snapped. "Yuna's luckier than the lone survivor of a ten-car pileup on the Jersey Turnpike!"

Rikku then ran through the ropes and drove San off the apron with a tackle off the apron to the floor! Meanwhile, back in the ring as the crowd chanted, "YUNA! YUNA! YUNA!", the Cosmos Summoner slowly but surely pulled herself up to a standing position with the ropes and turned around to see Nausicaa charging toward her. . .

. . .

. . .but Yuna stopped her in her tracks with a kick to the midsection! The Cosmos Summoner then Scorpioed over Nausicaa's back and dropped her with a Michinoku Driver in the center of the ring! Yuna went for the cover from there 1. . .

. . .

2. . .

. . .

. . .NAUSICAA KICKED OUT! Yuna couldn't believe it!

"NO! Nausicaa still has signs of life!" Frylock called, as Yuna winced in pain as she looked to her corner and-did NOT see Rikku there, because she was still by the announcer's desk catching her breath from the spear she had just landed on San. The Cosmos Summoner then turned around to slug Nausicaa in the left temple with a series of right hands before slowly but surely willing herself up to a standing position. Nausicaa kipped up and locked Yuna in a wrist-lock before Irish whipping her across the ring and going for a spinning heel kick on the bounceback. . .

. . .

. . .BUT YUNA DUCKED UNDERNEATH IT! The Cosmos Summoner then leapt onto the ropes in front of her. . .

. . .and took Nausicaa down with a jumping tornado DDT in the center of the ring! Yuna rolled onto her chest to glance at her corner. . .

. . .

. . .and THIS TIME, saw Rikku, who had extended her arm out for a tag, while San was back up on the apron doing the same in her corner!

"Yuna has rebounded from the beating she's received at the hands of San and Nausicaa in brief but satisfying fashion. . ." Frylock declared, ". . .but can she make the tag to Rikku?"

"I'll bet ya twenty bucks she doesn't, Frylock!" Shake demanded. "And if she somehow does, she's a Mary Goddamn Sue!"

Rikku slapped the turnbuckle repeatedly, ramping up anticipation from the crowd as Yuna and Nausicaa respectively crawled toward their corners. . .

. . .

. . .extended their arms out. . .

. . .

. . .wormed toward their partners a little more. . .

. . .

. . .BEFORE SUCCESSFULLY TAGGING IN RIKKU AND SAN! Both women charged toward each other, with Rikku taking San down in the center of the ring with a high knee! Rikku turned around and taunted for Princess Mononoke to get up, which she did, only to get taken down with a rolling suplex from Rikku! The Al Bhed Guardian then pulled San up for another rolling suplex, only for San to counter it and take Rikku down with a snap suplex of her own! Princess Mononoke then pulled Rikku up in a headlock and went for another suplex, but Rikku drove her against the ropes behind her, then Irish whipped her across the ring before running after her. . .

. . .

. . .ONLY FOR SAN TO DROP HER WITH A LOU THESZ PRESS! San then remained on top of Rikku for the cover! 1. . .

. . .

2. . .

. . .

. . .RIKKU KICKED OUT! San growled under her breath as she pulled Rikku up by the ponytail and sat her on her right shoulder before striding toward her corner. . .

. . .

. . .ONLY TO CHARGE FORWARD AND DROP RIKKU ONTO THE MAT WITH A RUNNING POWERSLAM! But San wasn't finished, shown by her pulling Rikku up to a standing position and lifting her up on her shoulder again. . .

. . .

. . .but Rikku fought out of it with a back elbow to San's face. . .

. . .

. . .UNTIL SAN CAUGHT RIKKU'S LEG AND LEAPT UP TO TAKE HER DOWN WITH RANHEI!

"HAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughed Shake. "Call an SOS for the Sphere Hunters' Women's Tag Title hopes, because Rikku is DONE FOR!"

"San resorting to her trademark grappling to keep the advantage! Will it get her the win?" Frylock wondered, as San went for the cover, hooking the leg! 1. . .

. . .

2. . .

. . .

. . .2.5 RIKKU KICKED OUT! SAN COULDN'T BELIEVE IT!

"OH MY GOD, HOW CLOSE WAS THAT?" Frylock yelled, as San pulled Rikku up by the ponytail and drug her by it toward her corner before tagging in Nausicaa, who leapt onto the top rope while San lifted Rikku up for a sidewalk slam. . .

. . .

. . .AND TOGETHER THEY TOOK RIKKU DOWN WITH A SIDEWALK SLAM/DIVING DOUBLE FOOT STOMP COMBINATION!

"Talk about innovation! I've never seen that move before!" Frylock said. "Will it advance the Miyazaki Maidens into the semifinals of this tournament?"

Nausicaa then went for the cover, hooking the leg! 1. . .

. . .

2. . .

. . .

. . .YUNA BROKE UP THE COUNT! The Cosmos Summoner then rolled out of the ring under the bottom rope before Nausicaa could get to her! The Princess of The Valley of The Wind had shot up and chased after her, but was left scowling at Yuna angrily at the ringside floor. . .

. . .UNTIL RIKKU TOOK HER DOWN FROM BEHIND WITH A REVERSE HURRICANRANA! As Nausicaa slowly rose up to her knees clenching her head in pain, The Al Bhed Guardian ran against the ropes in front of her and leapt over Nausicaa to continue running the ropes. Nausicaa had made it to a standing position and lifted Rikku up for a scoop powerslam. . .

. . .

. . .BUT RIKKU STOPPED HER WITH A RUNNING KNEE STRIKE THAT LEFT NAUSICAA DAZED IN HER CORNER! San then tagged herself in and leapt over the ropes, aiming to catch Rikku in a tie-up, but the Al Bhed Guardian ran the ropes again to take San down with a running blockbuster on the bounceback! Rikku went for the cover! 1. . .

. . .

2. . .

. . .

. . .SAN KICKED OUT! Rikku punched the mat in frustration!

"NO! SAN JUST GOT THE SHOULDER UP!" Frylock exclaimed. "How will Rikku respond?"

Rikku then pulled San up to a standing position by her necklace and went for a neckbreaker, but San countered it into a tie-up! Princess Mononoke then sat Rikku on her shoulders in a fireman's carry position before taking her down with a Death Valley Driver! San then pulled Rikku up by the ponytail to grip her in a headlock. . .

. . .

. . .and lift her off the mat to bounce her off the ropes in front of her. . .

. . .

. . .before dropping her with a neckbreaker-NOOO!

RIKKU COUNTERED IT INTO A STUNNER! San reeled around the ring in a daze while Rikku stepped through the ropes and onto the apron. Princess Mononoke then gripped the top rope on the opposite side of the ring and shook herself back to reality.

"San appears to be a bit shaken up after that stunner from Rikku. . ." Frylock observed, ". . .Princess Mononoke may be strong enough to regain her bearings, but the Al Bhed Guardian is starting to make an opening against her!"

"How'd she get shaken up by THAT weakass move?" Shake wondered. "Rikku's cut from the same cloth as Yuna! SHE'S weak, YUNA'S weak, and SAN'S weak for getting tossed around like she's been here tonight! Why do we even HAVE this tournament if all the females in it faint after breaking a goddamn NAIL?"

San turned around and strode toward Rikku-

-WHO TOOK HER DOWN IN THE CENTER OF THE RING WITH A SPRINGBOARD HIP ATTACK!

"WHAT AN AERIAL MANEUVER FROM THE AL BHED GUARDIAN!" Frylock exclaimed. "SAN GOT A FACEFUL OF THAT HIP ATTACK!"

"MORE LIKE HER ASS, FRYLOCK!" Shake yelled. "I wanna see her do that in LINGERIE!"

Rikku kipped up after landing and let out a scream of adrenaline before charging toward the top rope with the fans rising to their feet with anticipation!

"But the FANS want to see her win this match for herself and Yuna!" Frylock shouted. "And they may be about to get their wish!"

Rikku sized San up, waiting for her to stumble to her feet. . .

. . .

. . .before leaping off the top rope. . .

. . .

. . .AND DRIVING HER ONTO HER FACE WITH A DIVING SWINGING REVERSE STO!

"RIKKU JUST DROPPED SAN ONTO HER HEAD WITH THAT HIGH-RISK MANEUVER!" Frylock yelled. "WILL IT ADVANCE HER AND YUNA INTO THE NEXT ROUND OF THE WOMEN'S TAG TITLE TOURNAMENT?"

Rikku then turned San onto her back for a cover, hooking the leg! 1. . .

. . .

2. . .

. . .

. . .2.5 SAN KICKED OUT! Rikku sat up from the cover, absolutely exasperated!

"NO! SAN GOT THE SHOULDER UP!" Frylock screamed, as San drug herself toward the ropes, while Rikku willed herself up to a standing position. The Al Bhed Guardian then ran toward San and hit her in the chin with an axe kick that sent her careening into the corner back first. Rikku then charged toward San in the corner for a strike but San caught her in a tie-up and whipped Rikku into the corner back-first! San then hammered away at Rikku's chest with a series of shoulder thrusts until she was dazed, then sat her on the top rope! San then slipped underneath Rikku to stand on the middle rope and hold her in an electric chair position. . .

. . .

. . .until she slipped Rikku against her back, holding her only by her ankles. . .

. . .

. . .BEFORE SLAMMING HER BACK DOWN TO THE MAT WITH AN INVERTED ALABAMA SLAM! Rikku clenched her ribs in pain while San stepped off from the turnbuckles to pull Rikku up by her arms. . .

. . .

. . .AND TAKES HER BACK DOWN WITH A DOUBLE UNDERHOOK BELLY TO BELLY!

"Princess Mononoke herself, San, is out-grappling the holy hell outta Rikku!" Frylock said. "Will it get her the victory?"

San then went for the cover, hooking the leg! 1. . .

. . .

2. . .

. . .

. . .RIKKU KICKED OUT! San rose up to her knees, growling under her breath as she gripped Rikku by the ponytail and jerked her up to a standing position!

"San looks IRATE that Rikku just got the shoulder up!" Frylock observed. "And if there's one thing I wouldn't wanna do, it's piss off Princess Mononoke!"

"Please, pissing off San'll destroy a forest, if anything." Shake predicted. "And that'll make room for a strip club, and who doesn't want another one of those?"

San then gripped Rikku in a headlock before moving to her back and locking in a sleeper hold. . .at least, she tried to, because Rikku was thrashing and flailing her arms for dear life, even going so far as to back San into a nearby corner. . .but San nailed her in the side of the head with a series of right hands before pulling her back into the center of the ring!

"San's looking to cinch Rikku in a dragon sleeper, but the Al Bhed Guardian isn't going down without a fight!" Frylock called, as after another three-punch combination, San transitioned the sleeper hold into a headlock before lifting her up by the hair and dropping her onto the mat with a lifting cobra clutch slam! But Princess Mononoke kept her grip on Rikku's ponytail, pulling her up into a cradle position. . .

. . .

. . .BEFORE DROPPING HER ON HER HEAD WITH THE MONONOKE PILEDRIVER!

"WHAT A DEVASTATING PILEDRIVER FROM SAN!" Frylock exclaimed. "PRINCESS MONONOKE MAY HAVE THE MATCH WON HERE!"

San then hooked both legs for the cover! 1. . .

. . .

2. . .

. . .

. . .2.75 YUNA BROKE UP THE COUNT WITH A SHOULDER BLOCK TO SAN!

"THE COSMOS SUMMONER MAKING A GUTSY MOVE TO SAVE THIS MATCH FOR HER AND RIKKU!" Frylock yelled.

"Ah yeah, because Rikku has to rely on her battered BFF to save her. Freakin' WUSS!" Shake snapped, as Yuna rolled out of the ring under the bottom rope facing the ramp, while San had made it to her hands and knees with a grimace of anger on her face. Princess Mononoke then pulled Rikku up by the hair and set her up for another Mononoke Piledriver. . .

. . .

. . .BUT RIKKU USED HER MOMENTUM TO COUNTER IT, AND FLIP SAN INTO THE SAME POSITION! The Al Bhed Guardian then fell forward to crush San with a belly-to-belly inverted mat slam! Rikku went for the cover, hooking the leg! 1. . .

. . .

2. . .

. . .

. . .SAN KICKED OUT! Rikku sat up from the cover, her face in visible pain of disbelief!

"San has put Rikku through all kinds of pain since her arrival into this match. . .but the Al Bhed Guardian is putting on a gutsy effort through it all!" Frylock called. "What will she do to secure the victory?"

"The victory ain't comin', Frylock!" dismissed Shake. "Rikku bruises like a banana, just like her best friend! She's better off performing magic tricks or whatever the hell they do in Besaid!"

Rikku slowly but surely pulled herself up to a standing position with the ropes as the fans chanted, "RIKKU! RIKKU! RIKKU!". The Al Bhed Guardian then turned around to face San, who nailed her in the gut with an elbow strike! San then willed herself up to a standing position and nailed Rikku in the temple with an elbow smash. . .

. . .

. . .but Rikku retaliate with a swift kick to San's abdomen! San winced in pain until Rikku whacked her in the chest again with another kick, then another, then another, until Princess Mononoke was backed up into the center of the ring! Rikku then ran against the ropes behind her and launched San through the ropes and onto the ring apron with a shotgun dropkick! San pulled herself up to her feet with the ropes after the impact only for Rikku to nail her in the face with a right hand, then turn her around and pull her up against her back before stepping into the ring and dropping her onto her chest with a modified Gory Bomb! Princess Mononoke rolled onto the apron and slipped onto the ringside floor to catch her breath.

"Princess Mononoke has seen a lot of ring time in this first round matchup to the point where the bumps are taking their toll on the strong, wily San!" Frylock observed. "Yuna and Rikku's perseverance may be too much for San to handle!"

"If San can't beat these two off, she might as well take the long road home and NEVER COME BACK!" yelled Shake. "If ANYBODY loses to these two in this tournament, and in this division, they should rethink their life choices, as far as I'm concerned!"

San continued to stand against the apron, clenching her ribs in pain. . .

. . .

. . .until Rikku reached down and pulled her back onto the apron by her necklace and into the ring above the second rope! The Al Bhed Guardian then drove her against her knee with a hangman's backbreaker. . .

. . .

. . .before dropping her onto the apron with a hangman's neckbreaker!

"What a combination from Rikku!" Frylock shouted. "The Al Bhed Guardian took initiative in dragging San back into the line of fire!"

"DAMMIT, SAN! THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T LET YOUR FRIGGIN' GUARD DOWN, YOU DUMB BITCH!" yelled Shake, as Rikku drug San into the center of the ring before going for the cover! 1. . .

. . .

2. . .

. . .

. . .NAUSICAA BROKE UP THE COUNT WITH A DIVING ELBOW! The Princess of the Valley of the Wind rolled out of the ring before Rikku could get to her!

"Nausicaa makes the save for San, and escapes just as quickly!" Frylock said. "And Rikku did not like that one bit!"

"Tough titty, bitch." Shake quipped. "Welcome to WRASSLIN'."

Rikku scowled at Nausicaa, who had her hands up in innocent protest. . .

. . .

. . .WHICH DISTRACTED THE AL BHED GUARDIAN LONG ENOUGH FOR SAN TO ROLL HER UP WITH A SCHOOL BOY PIN ATTEMPT!

"WAIT A MINUTE! SAN LOOKING TO CAPITALIZE ON THE DISTRACTION!" Frylock yelled, as the referee made the count 1. . .

. . .

2. . .

. . .

. . .RIKKU KICKED OUT! The Al Bhed Guardian then burst up to her feet with a sudden rush of energy, then charged toward San for a clothesline. . .

. . .

. . .but San ducked underneath it and hooked Rikku's arms up from behind to drop her with a Full Nelson Bomb! The Al Bhed Guardian clenched her lower back in pain as she reached for the ropes in front of her, but San pulled her up by the ponytail and gripped her in a waist-lock. . .

. . .

. . .but Rikku nailed her right between the eyes with a series of back elbows to break free of her grasp! Rikku then turned around to face her back and send her flying with a Release German Suplex!

"San's folded up like an accordion!" Frylock observed. "Rikku has her right where she wants her!"

Rikku stood up and let out a scream of intensity to cheers from the crowd, then strode toward San to pull her up by her top. Princess Mononoke nailed her in the ribs with a back kick, causing her to bend over from the impact. San then wrenched on Rikku's arm before moving toward her back and cinching in a sleeper hold-

-OR, SHE WOULD HAVE, IF RIKKU DIDN'T HIT HER IN THE TEMPLE WITH A BACK ELBOW STRIKE! With San dazed for the time being, Rikku gripped San. . .

. . .

. . .AND FLIPPED HER OVER HER HEAD AND ONTO THE MAT WITH THE TURBO BACKPACK!

"RIKKU JUST SENT SAN FLYING WITH HER TURBO BACKPACK!" Frylock screamed. "The Al Bhed Guardian took her to SCHOOL with that maneuver!"

Shake sighed. "I dunno what's more awful, that call…..the fact Rikku's about to win this thing, or the fact San's weak as SHIT!"

"Rikku may very well be about to win this match, and advance into the semifinals of the Women's Tag Team Championship tournament!" Frylock called. "Will she do it?"

Rikku crawled on top of San for the cover, hooking the far leg! 1. . .

. . .

2. . .

. . .

. . .2.75 NAUSICAA BROKE UP THE PIN WITH A BASEBALL SLIDE! Rikku was knocked into her corner from the impact while Nausicaa rolled back toward hers! Yuna extended her arm toward Rikku to try and tag herself into the match. . .

. . .

. . .but San washed Yuna's face against the top rope, knocking her off the apron! Princess Mononoke then pulled Rikku up by the arm and struck her with a series of short-arm right hands before pulling her up to a fireman's carry position and dropping her with a fireman's carry side slam! San then pulled Rikku by the arm toward her corner and tagged in Nausicaa before setting her on her shoulders!

"San got the desperately needed tag, and thanks to Nausicaa's help, they have the upper hand!" Frylock yelled. "If they hit this, the Miyazaki Maidens are going to the semifinals!"

"And all will be right with the world!" Shake added, as Nausicaa climbed up to the rope to see San holding Rikku up in an electric chair position. The Princess of the Valley of the Wind then leapt off the top turnbuckle. . .

. . .

. . .then onto the adjacent middle rope. . .

. . .

. . .and onto the adjacent top rope. . .

. . .

. . .AND STRUCK RIKKU WITH A DOOMSDAY SPRINGBOARD UPPERCUT-NOOOOO!

YUNA CHOP BLOCKED SAN'S LEGS OUT FROM UNDER HER, SENDING RIKKU ONTO THE MAT, AND CAUSING SAN TO CLENCH HER RIGHT KNEE!

"THE COSMOS SUMMONER YUNA HAS SAVED HER BEST FRIEND WHEN IT COUNTS!" Frylock exclaimed. "AND NOW SAN MAY BE INJURED!"

"Leave it to Yuna to hurt a promising talent!" Shake groaned. "She's as incompetent as she is RECKLESS!"

San pushed herself up to a standing position and lunged toward Yuna for a tie-up, but the Cosmos Summoner sent Princess Mononoke into the ropes with a drop toe hold! Yuna then pushed San onto the ring apron and soon followed her onto it. The Cosmos Summoner then kicked San repeatedly in the face until she stumbled against the ring post. San gripped onto the top rope to stay at a vertical base until Yuna gripped her into a headlock. . .

. . .

. . .then ran TOWARD the ring post. . .

. . .

. . .AND DROPPED SAN ONTO THE RINGSIDE FLOOR WITH THE GRAND SUMMON! SAN LAID PRONE ON THE FLOOR WHILE YUNA WAS SEATED, CATCHING HER BREATH WHILE THE FANS CHANTED, "HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!" and "X-C-DUB!" X-C-DUB!"

"BAH GAWD SHAKE!" Frylock cried. "YUNA JUST DROPPED SAN HEAD-FIRST ONTO THE FLOOR WITH THE GRAND SUMMON! PRINCESS MONONOKE HAS GOTTA BE OUT COLD!"

"So Yuna HAD to give San CTE just to win this thing?" Shake asked before scoffing. "Freakin' DESPICABLE."

As Yuna clenched her ribs and slowly made her way toward the ring apron, Nausicaa charged toward Rikku for a spear. . .

. . .

. . .but Rikku rolled out of the way! The Al Bhed Guardian then caught Nausicaa into a waist-lock. . .

. . .

. . .which Nausicaa countered into a waist-lock of her own. . .

. . .

. . .only for Rikku to hit her in the face with a series of back elbow strikes. . .

. . .

. . .AND TAKE HER DOWN WITH THE TURBO BACKPACK!

"NOW NAUSICAA FEELS THE TURBO BACKPACK!" Frylock screamed, as the fans rose to their feet and cheering at a deafening volume while Rikku saw Yuna climb up to her corner. . .

. . .

. . .and backed up to the opposing corner, signaling for Yuna to get into the ring. . .

. . .

. . .which she excitedly did, to stand in the opposing corner!

"We saw The Sphere Hunters debut this move last night against the Elwood City Strikers! Francine Frensky felt it first. . .and now Nausicaa may be about to suffer the same fate!" Frylock called.

"PLEASE. If anything's gonna suffer, it's ME and our RATINGS." Shake quipped, as Yuna and Rikku stomped on the mat in their respective corners once. . .

. . .

. . .then TWICE. . .

. . .

. . .and a THIRD TIME. . .

. . .

. . .before charging out of the ring. . .

. . .

. . .AND NAILING NAUSICAA IN THE FACE WITH FREE OF SIN!

"FREE OF SIN CONNECTS. . ." Frylock called, as Rikku crawled on top of Nausicaa for the cover, hooking both legs! 1. . .

. . .

2. . .

. . .

. . .3!

". . .AND YUNA AND RIKKU ARE GOING TO THE SEMIFINALS!" finished Frylock, as the crowd exploded with cheers after Rikku rolled off from the cover while the bell rang!

"The winners of this match. . .the team of YUNA. . .AND RIKKU. . .THEEEEEE SPHEEEEEEEERE HUNTEEEEEEEEEEEEEERS!"

Yuna crawled toward Rikku, slowly but surely willing herself up to a standing position, clenching her side as she meets the Al Bhed Guardian in the center of the ring for a celebratory hug.

"It's all smiles for The Sphere Hunters here tonight, and for good reason!" Frylock declared. "They flat-out earned this victory against the Miyazaki Maidens, but it didn't come easy, because San and Nausicaa isolated Yuna to the point where she was close to tapping out, and did the same to Rikku with brutal strength and expert grappling, but The Cosmos Summoner and the Al Bhed Guardian both looked out for each other, made the saves when they were in need, and displayed amazing teamwork and perseverance! But we can't lose sight of the fact that the Miyazaki Maidens fought with great power, speed and tenacity. . .tonight just wasn't their night. Their time for success in XCW will come, but tonight here in Gravity Falls, the Sphere Hunters were the better team, and I'm confident that their teamwork, agility and perseverance will take them far in the Women's Tag Team Championship tournament!"

The referee raised Yuna and Rikku's arms in victory before leaving the ring to let the Sphere Hunters climb onto opposite corners and pose in victory.

"You've gotta be kidding me with that bullshit, Frylock!" Shake exclaimed. "This women's tag team championship tournament is full o'nothing but WEAK, PATHETIC BITCHES! There is NO GODDAMN GOOD EXPLANATION FOR WHY SAN AND NAUSICAA DIDN'T WIN THAT MATCH! THEY'RE a joke, this TOURNAMENT'S a joke, this WOMEN'S DIVISION is a JOKE, and EQUAL PAIN is gonna be a joke, because WIZARD BARBIE and her MEEK MAGE MORON FOR A BEST FRIEND have at least ONE MATCH guaranteed for the all-women's pay-per-view, since THAT'S where the semifinals are taking place for some GODDAMN STUPID REASON! Everything Sora does to advance our division, these two go two steps backward! Either they're gonna continue to fail upwards and be the worst Women's Tag Team Champions this industry's ever seen, or they're gonna be in for a rude awakening when a MUCH stronger team crosses their friggin' path!"

"Shake. . .this isn't a Wendy's drive thru. We're live on the air." Frylock deadpanned.

"And I'm stating my opinions whether the folks at home like 'em or NOT!" responded Shake. "Because I know I'm right, and they will, too!"

---

"Juuuuuuust keep thinking that, Shake. . ." Frylock dismissed, as Yuna and Rikku stepped off their respective corners and embraced each other in the center of the ring one more time before taking their leave out of the ring and up the ramp until the show transitioned to the backstage area, where Sora Takenouchi was walking through a parking garage pulling a small suitcase behind her with a solemn look on her face.

"Sora….?" asked someone off-screen, causing the XCW Women's Champion to look off-screen.

"Huh? What's going on….?" asked Sora, as the woman stepped into frame, revealing herself to be Nazz, to cheers from the crowd.

"Nothing. . .it's just that. . .I saw what happened to you last week, and what Tai went through last night." replied Nazz. "I was just wondering how Tai was doing, and if you needed help with anything."

"Yes, Tai's fine." responded Sora. "He's in the hospital. . .but he's awake and recovering from the trauma to his head. He'll be back in a couple weeks. Thanks so much for your concern!"

"No problem, dude!" said Nazz. "You're our locker room leader. We wouldn't be getting anywhere without you, and we've all gotta stick together!"

"I appreciate that. . ." Sora said, looking at the Assistant With Assets with a small smile until. . .

. . .

". . .so, you needed help licking your wounds, huh?"

. . .

. . .TOMMY VERCETTI stepped up to Sora's back, to MASSIVE boos from the crowd.

"Why don't ya find your DigiDestined friends and cry into a bottle of wine?" Tommy mocked, to which Sora whipped around and stared daggers into the eyes of the Harwood Butcher.

"GO TO HELL!" she shouted, before storming into the arena, leaving Nazz aghast with alarm, which quickly turned to anger when she looked back at Tommy.

"Are you proud of yourself?" Nazz snapped. "You beat Tai fair and square last night. How is that NOT enough for you?"

"It is. . .for now." answered Tommy. "What I did to him both settled our score and sent a message to anyone that wants to challenge me. Face me for my belt, and you won't have one left."

"Oh, you mean the belt you drag down the floor every time you walk?" quipped Nazz. "You don't care about being a World Champion. You just want to throw your weight around like you're a big shot, but you're NOT a big shot. You're not even an AVERAGE shot. You're an ASSHOLE, and you're gonna lose that title one day. When you do, you won't have a friend in the world to pick you back up."

"I don't NEED friends. . .and I'm not afraid of a challenge, either. You know WHY?" Tommy seethed, stepping closer to Nazz. "Because I have an EMPIRE. They beat the living HELL out of your boys last night, and they'll do it again if you're not careful."

"I'd like to see them try." Nazz said. "The Eds didn't take the attack on them lightly. They're ready for a fight when your cronies are. It depends on if their leader has the BALLS to give the order."

The crowd shouted, "OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" upon hearing that zinger, after which, a bulging blood vessel was clearly visible on the forehead of the XCW World Heavyweight Champion.

"I've got MORE than just THAT. . ." Tommy snapped, ". . .I've got a hell of an idea. You and two of your degenerate friends. . .

. . .against SHENHUA. . .

. . .against TREVOR PHILLIPS. . .

. . .and ME. . .in our main event tonight. I have a direct line to the chairman. He'll make it happen whether you want it or NOT. And if you don't like THAT. . .I don't know what to tell you."

A VERY angry Tommy walked past Nazz and entered the arena, leaving the Assistant With Assets alone with an angry look on her face.

"Bastard. . ." Nazz muttered to herself, before her look of anger turned into a look of concern until the show transitioned to a commercial break.

---

As Monday Night Massacre returned from break, Eilonwy stood in the interview space next to Mimi Tachikawa, who had a microphone in hand.

"Eilonwy, last night at Abolishment, you asked Merida, Rapunzel, Moana and Anna if they were looking for a fifth member of Disnevolution," Mimi recapped, ". . .and they said that you could join them if and only if you could defeat an opponent of their choosing. Who do you think your opponent is, and what would winning your match next week and becoming a member of Disnevolution mean to you?"

"Oh, it would mean the entire world to me, Mimi!" replied Eilonwy. "You see, my entire life, I've been looked at as the proverbial red-headed stepchild of all the Disney princesses. Mickey keeps the archive of my adventures in the kingdom of Prydain in the vault with other misfit stories like Home on the Range, Cinderella II, and The Pagemaster. . .but I'm here because while the tale of my rescue may not have been well-received, it is my fighting skills that will define me going forward! I've trained too long and too hard to be cast aside by my peers and fellow Disney princesses, so to win my match and to become a member of Disnevolution will mean that I not only have achieved my first short-term goal here on the XCW roster. . .it will mean that my sisters will have no choice but to accept me for who I am and welcome me into their family with open arms! And it doesn't matter who they've chosen to face me next week, because I am going to fight with everything I have, and-"

"-yeah, yeah, yeah, you won't stop until the fat lady sings, blah, blah, blah. . ."

All of a sudden, those words interrupted Eilonwy, who turned to look in the direction of where they came from. . .

. . .

. . .to see PRINCESS PEACH and PRINCESS DAISY standing on Mimi's opposite side!

". . .I've heard the same generic promo from all the girls that came before me." Peach said, before yawning to boos from the crowd. "And the more I hear it, the more boring it gets."

"Oh dear. . .I'm sorry I couldn't be more entertaining. . ." apologized Eilonwy, ". . .but there's still no need to talk to me like that! I'm a woman of royalty, just like the two of you!"

"You? ROYALTY? HA!" Peach exclaimed before scoffing, while Daisy started laughing out loud. "Your kingdom doesn't hold a candle to the lands over which I reign. You may preside over Prydain, but you'd be a PEASANT girl anywhere else. I could storm your castle with an army unlike any that you've seen before!"

"Don't you command an army of toads?" asked Eilonwy. "They're no more intimidating than a ladybug! And you can't talk about my homeland that way! I ought to teach you a lesson about respect!"

"Well, you're in luck, Blondie. . ." Peach said with a smirk, ". . .because Disnevolution picked ME to be your opponent next week! I accepted their offer to fight you because I need a tune-up match now that I'm cleared for competition. And since I'm still waiting on that no-good Nami to accept my challenge for Equal Pain, you'll make for an easy and simple squash victory to start my comeback off on the right track!"

"Appearances can be deceiving, Peach. . ." Eilonwy said, sneering at her adversary. ". . .'tis better for you to count your chickens after they hatch."

"Oh goodie. Another cliche. I saw that on a sign at a knick-knack store." Peach quipped. "You're no better than the commoners that shop there, too. I can't wait to beat the hell out of you next week, and show the world that whether we're together or fighting in a singles competition, Daisy and I. . .

. . .

. . .are ROYAL. . ."

Daisy stepped to Peach's side to say the following letters with her in unison:

"A. . .

. . .F!"

Peach and Daisy then skipped out of the scene, leaving Mimi with her mouth open agape in disbelief while Eilonwy had a scowl on her face.

"You're wrong. . ." Eilonwy said to herself, ". . .because next week, my story begins with a VICTORY. . ."

---

Eilonwy continued to scowl past the camera until the show transitioned back to the arena, where Carl Brutanandilewski stood in the center of the ring with a microphone in hand. . .

. . .

. . .until the following words rang out from the Titantron:

"I'M READY!"

"Teen Beat Ocean" by Jackson and His Computer Band then played, with pyro exploding in unison to the first notes of the song before Mario and Spongebob Squarepants walked onto the stage and posed to a mixed reaction.

"Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome 'The Sponge Suplex Machine' Spongebob Squarepants. . .and the NEEEEEEEEEEEEEW Xtreme Cartoon Wrestling Television Champion of the WOOOOOOOOORLD. . .'The Champion of Life'. . .MAAAAAAAAARIIIIIIIIOOOOOOOO!"

"Well, ladies and gentlemen, we're back live here on Monday Night Massacre and Shake, The Kings of Greatness, aka Mario and Spongebob Squarepants are coming out here to address the crowd following the Champion of Life's big championship victory last night at Abolishment, but I have breaking news: the South Park Four's match against Ren and Stimpy has been pushed off the card tonight and will take place next week, because our main event tonight is now Eddy, Ed and Nazz of D-Generation Ed in a 6-person tag team match against Shenhua, Trevor Phillips and the XCW World Heavyweight Champion, Tommy Vercetti! And based on what we saw before the commercial break, I'm convinced that the Harwood Butcher made the match out of spite for Nazz over the comments that she made about him tonight! It doesn't feel right at all, and I shudder to think about what those three dangerous human beings will do to the likes of D-Generation Ed in our main event tonight!"

Mario ran down the ramp and climbed onto a turnbuckle, raising a peace sign and the XCW World Television title belt above his head, while Spongebob stepped into the ring above the second rope and climbed onto the opposite turnbuckle, raising a fist in the air to a mixed reaction from the crowd.

"Ah, don't worry about it and get back on topic." dismissed Shake. "I don't even WANNA know what Mario and Spongebob have to say, because the Champion of Life is a champion of CHEATIN', as far as I'm concerned! Does he even KNOW that Hotsuma interfered on his behalf last night? I don't know why the Knighthood Leader would wanna help this overweight fossil and his obnoxious retard for a friend add a title to their friendship, but I'm sure these two idiots are just happy one of 'em has a strap to parade around the locker rooms! But they won't be able to do that for long, because illegitimate champions feel karma in the worst way, and Mario's gonna get what's coming to him sooner or later! Hell, why is the crowd so happy to see him, anyway? He turned on 'em as soon as he was the first-ever World Champion when this company first started!"

"They saw his performance last night and Mario endeared them enough to make them wanna to see him avenge his brother Luigi after Arthur and Smokey's assault on him several weeks ago!" answered Frylock. "And if he and Spongebob are happy to be out here, I'm happy to see 'em, and can't wait to hear what they have to say!"

"Yeah, do ya like hearing nails on a chalkboard, too?" quipped Shake, to an eyeroll from Frylock while Mario and Spongebob met in the center of the ring with microphones in hand, looking out at the crowd with excitement upon hearing chants of, "MARIO! MARIO! MARIO!"

"Mamma mia!" Mario said into his microphone. "It's a-been a LONG time since I've a-heard anything like a-that! I guess a-you all saw what-a happened last night. . .and the new piece of a-gold that's around a-my waist. . ."

Mario motioned to the XCW World Television Championship belt around his waist, to chants of, "YOU DESERVE IT!" from the crowd, who clapped five times after the chant before chanting "YOU DESERVE IT!" again.

"I do deserve it, a-don't I?" Mario said, with a confident swagger. "No, but a-seriously, guys, thank a-you for the warm a-welcome! Last night at Abolishment was a-one of the greatest nights of a-my life, because not only did I defeat The First PBS Kid, Arthur Read, not only did I do it in front of his bodyguard and my former rival Smokey The Bear. . .but I also avenged a-my brother Luigi's vicious assault. . .and a-stand before you as the NEW. . .reigning and a-defending XCW World Television Champion of LIFE. . .AND A-THE WORLD!"

The crowd exploded with cheers as Spongebob motioned for them to say how they feel about him, while Mario scanned the arena at his adoring public with a smile on his face.

"Yes. . .everything is looking a-pretty great for yours truly at the moment. . .but I would not a-be wearing this a-masterful strap of gold without a-my new best a-friend. . .my fellow King of a-Greatness. . .The Sponge a-Suplex Machine. . .SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!" Mario exclaimed, to a hand wave from Spongebob.

"What are you talking about?" dismissed Spongebob. "You were the one that did all the fighting to get the pinfall victory!"

"But if you weren't there to fend off a-Smokey, that four-eyed anteater would a-still be lugging this a-baby around!" Mario insisted, slapping the TV title for emphasis.

"Don't be so humble, Mario!" Spongebob said. "I'm just a sponge looking out for his friend!"

"Oh, you are just TOO modest." Mario replied, with a grin.

"You are TOO kind." Spongebob responded with a smile and an off-mic laugh.

"You are too MUCH. . ." Mario said before gently hitting his friend with a friendly punch to the arm. "Yes, and I have a-to tell you all that after my great a-title win, the two of us had an in-a-credible night on the town! We went a-clubhopping, we did all the dancin', we drank all the bubbly, we turned a-heads EVERYWHERE we went with our celebrity!"

"Yeah!" added Spongebob. "And I picked up the tab at Goofy Goober's Ice Cream Party Boat between each club if one of them didn't let me in! But if those bouncers didn't think I was tough. . .I had MARIO to vouch for me!"

"And Spongebob is the best a-hype man a guy could ever ask a-for!" added Mario. "And like a-the good friend he is, Spongebob will CONTINUE to accompany me to my matches going a-forward. And there WILL be a LOT of a-them. . .because if I am a-going to be the XCW World Television a-Champion, I have TOO many promises to keep that Arthur could not a-fulfill. You see, way back a-when I started wrestling. . .the Television Championship was a-defended EVERY WEEK on a promotion's local program. That egomaniacal anteater did NOT do that. He FAILED miserably. But now that I am World Television Champion. . .tonight WILL BE DIFFERENT! For as long as I hold this a-belt, I will be issuing an OPEN CHALLENGE for my XCW World Television Championship on every Monday Night Massacre going forward! And it starts right here, RIGHT a-NOW!"

The crowd exploded with cheers upon hearing Mario's proclamation, after which, the Champion of Life and the Sponge Suplex Machine turned to look up the ramp at the stage.

"So if there's anyone in the back that wants an opportunity at taking the World Television Championship off the Champion of Life. . .make a-your presence known!" Mario demanded. "Just know that the Icon you are facing. . .is a-ME. . .MAAAAAAAARIOOOOOO. . .

. . .

. . .

. . .

. . .

. . .

. . .

. . .AND IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII'M READY!"

"YOU'RE READY!" exclaimed Spongebob, who was jumping up and down.

"I'M READY!" shouted Mario, who was jumping up and down after him.

"YOU'RE READY!" screamed Spongebob.

"I'M READY!" yelled Mario.

"YOU'RE READY!" cried Spongebob.

"IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII'M READY!" Mario declared, before landing on his feet after a third and final jump, and looking up the ramp with anticipation along with Spongebob. . .

. . .

. . .

. . .

. . .but their smiles fell to looks of shock. . .

. . .

. . .

. . .

. . .

. . .WHEN "Smokey The Bear" BY GENE AUTRY PLAYED?!

"NO WAY. . ." Frylock exclaimed, as the crowd popped with surprise and excitement. . .

. . .

. . .UPON SEEING SMOKEY THE BEAR STEP ONTO THE STAGE AND DOWN THE RAMP!

"OH MY GOD, SHAKE!" Frylock exclaimed. "IT'S SMOKEY THE BEAR! THE LIVING LEGEND, AND THE MAJOR MASCOT IS ON HIS WAY DOWN TO THE RING FOR HIS IN-RING WRESTLING DEBUT, AND IT'LL BE AGAINST MARIO FOR THE XCW WORLD TELEVISION TITLE! The last time anyone saw Smokey The Bear wrestle, it was in the mid-90s for the National Wrestling Alliance! He fought against Eikichi Onizuka in a Career-Threatening match at the Third Street School Gymnasium in a losing effort, but The Living Legend left the NWA with class, and seemingly retired with dignity. Now, when XCW drafted him in the final round of the first-ever FWM Draft, I wasn't sure if he'd be a wrestler or stay in a managerial role for an up-and-coming talent on our roster, but not only is Smokey The Bear acting as Arthur Read's bodyguard and manager, he's also electing to lace up his boots and fight for the FIRST TIME on Monday Night Massacre against his long-time rival, The Champion of Life, Mario! I can't wait to see what these two icons do against each other with the XCW World Television Championship on the line!"

Arthur stared DAGGERS at Spongebob as he followed Smokey down the ramp, while the Living Legend climbed onto the apron and then onto a top rope, raising a fist in the air and pointing at the crowd to say, "Only YOU can prevent forest fires!"

"Oh yeah, I'm on the edge of my seat for this time. BIIIIIIIIG time." groaned Shake. "Aren't you forgetting how OLD this guy is? He's been wrestling all over the territories, feds and indies since 1962! He's older than DIRT! In fact, a man made o'DIRT CLODS can outwrestle a man at HIS age. Plus there's no way he'll be able to shake off the 25 years of ring rust in just one match, no matter how Mario approaches him! I can't wait to watch this stupid bear's arm snap off after he tries to throw one punch! Just watch, it's gonna happen. You'll see. And plus he's got that dumb anteater Arthur at ringside with him. After the crap he brought upon himself last night, Smokey's a bigger JOKE now than he ever was."

"But you can't forget, Shake, that Mario crossed paths with Smokey in the mid-eighties." Frylock assured. "Mario KNOWS how he fights, and he'll have to adapt to it if he wants to find a way to win against his long-time friend-turned-rival, especially if Smokey is fighting to defend animals like Arthur Read, their rights, and their protection!"

"So this is gonna be a slow burner, huh?" Shake asked. "BOOOOOOOOOORING. Can I go back to catering?"

"NO, Shake." stated Frylock, as Smokey's music faded out, and the Living Legend and Champion of Life were staring at each other from opposite sides of the ring while the crowd chanted, "HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!" and "X-C-DUB! X-C-DUB!"

"The fans are on their feet at this incredible sight. . ." Frylock observed, ". . .and I don't blame 'em! They get to see The Living Legend, Smokey The Bear's first match right here and right now tonight on Monday Night Massacre, with the XCW World Television Championship on the line!"

The bell rang and the match began with Mario and Smokey reaching for each other's arms, and both men put each other in a tie-up, with Mario trying to push Smokey into the corner behind him, only for the Living Legend to use his size advantage to shove the Champion of Life into the corner behind him! Smokey then went for a brain chop to Mario's head, but Mario leapt up and struck Smokey in the chin with a European uppercut that sent Smokey stumbling into the center of the ring. The Champion of Life then slapped Smokey in the chest with a knife-edged chop, to which the crowd shouted "WOO!" in unison. Mario continued to hit Smokey with chop after chop until he was backed up against the corner. Mario then hit Smokey in the chest with a kick to the midsection that caused the Living Legend to bend forward, giving Mario the opening to put him in a headlock and drop him on his head with a DDT! The Champion of Life went for a cover, hooking the leg! 1. . .2. . .Smokey kicked out! Mario then stood up and ran against the ropes before landing a leg drop across Smokey's chest! Mario went for another cover 1. . .2. . .Smokey kicked out!

Mario pulled Smokey up by his suspenders and went for another DDT, only for Smokey to nail Mario with a throat thrust before he could leap upwards! Smokey then tied Mario up and used his size advantage to push him into the corner behind him, and hammered away at his body with hard kicks and slow, but powerful punches. Smokey then kept Mario pinned against the turnbuckles with one hand before rearing his other arm back and slapping him HARD with an open palmed chop that echoed through the entire arena! The Champion of Life clenched his chest in pain as he stumbled out of the corner, until Smokey lifted him up and dropped him onto the canvas with a scoop slam! Smokey then went for the cover, hooking the leg! 1. . .2. . .Mario kicked out! The Living Legend then pulled Mario up by his suspenders and Irish whipped him across the ring, and went for a clothesline on the bounceback, but Mario ducked underneath it and hit the ropes on the opposite side of the ring before going for a shotgun dropkick. . .but Smokey swiped him away, causing Mario to hit the mat back-first! Smokey then pulled Mario up by the suspenders and then off his feet before taking a few steps down the canvas and dropping Mario with a sidewalk slam! Smokey went for the cover, hooking the leg! 1. . .2. . .Mario kicked out!

"So far, Mario and Smokey The Bear are working a slow-paced match reminiscent of their bouts in the golden era of fiction wrestling!" Frylock observed. "It's anybody's ball game in this open challenge for the World Television Championship!"

"Just what I've always wanted to watch." Shake deadpanned, dripping with sarcasm. "If I wanted to watch something slow and boring, I'd watch the King Kong remake. Did Smokey learn ANYTHING new about wrestling in the past twenty years?"

Smokey then pulled Mario up by the suspenders and draped his arm across his back before lifting him off his feet and dropping him on his back with a vertical suplex! The Living Legend then pointed at the top rope to cheers of excitement from the fans!

"Why the hell are these idiots in the stands cheering for Smokey?" Shake snapped. "They don't give him any credit when he accompanies Arthur to the ring!"

"I think they're just happy to see Smokey The Bear in a wrestling ring after years of inactivity!" Frylock said, as Smokey climbed up to the top rope! "And right now, he's looking to go high-risk!"

"Oh, this'll be GREAT!" Shake exclaimed, leaning forward in his seat with excitement. "I can't wait to watch Old Man Smokey shatter into a million pieces after he whiffs this!"

Smokey sized up Mario. . .

. . .

. . .who was slowly but surely making his way up to a standing position. . .

. . .

. . .UNTIL SMOKEY LEAPT OFF THE TOP ROPE AND TOOK MARIO DOWN WITH A FLYING CLOTHESLINE!

"SMOKEY JUST TOOK MARIO DOWN WITH A LARIAT OFF THE TOP ROPE!" shouted Frylock. "NOW HE'S GOING FOR THE COVER!"

Indeed, Smokey had crawled on top of Mario and went for the cover, hooking the far leg! 1. . .2. . .Mario kicked out! Smokey The Bear stood up and stepped toward a nearby corner, looking out at the fans who were chanting, "YOU STILL GOT IT/NEVER LOST IT! YOU STILL GOT IT/NEVER LOST IT!"

"Say what you will about his allegiance with Arthur Read, but it's great to see Smokey The Bear back in a wrestling ring hitting the moves we all know and love from him!" Frylock called, as he smiled at the fans behind the hard camera and flashed a thumbs up at them.

"These morons are easy to impress, for Chrissakes. . ." scoffed Shake.

"Will Smokey The Bear be the new XCW World Television Champion, or will Mario find a way to win against this legendary powerhouse?" Frylock wondered. "Find out after we come back from our restaurant quality picture-in-picture!"

". . .how is that restaurant quality?" Shake asked. "Does it serve margaritas?"

Smokey continued to stare down Mario from a corner as the match suddenly minimized to the top left corner of the TV screen to make room for a series of commercials, the first of which saw a drone shot zooming closer to an island.

"This Wednesday night. . .24 of Survivorverse's greatest winners and audience favorites are left stranded in the Bermuda Triangle with no food, no electricity, and no comforts of ANY kind with a chance to win ONE MILLION DOLLARS!" said an announcer. "It's Survivor: All Stars 3! And this season looks to answer a PLETHORA of questions. . .

What challenges will our contestants face on the Bermuda Triangle?"

The commercial cut to a challenge where Princess Peach scales a cliff, looking at how high up she is behind her and trying not to faint, before cutting to a shot of LaTasha Blake carrying Helen Lorraine on her shoulders as she runs through an obstacle course.

"Oh crap!" exclaimed LaTasha, before the commercial cut to a shot of David Williams, Kenny Omega, Percy Jackson and Yang Xiao Long clinging their glasses of champagne together.

"What alliances will be formed?" asked the announcer, before the commercial cut to a shot of Ruby Rose and Velvet House shoving each other at a campsite.

"What tensions will be created?" asked the announcer, before the commercial cut to a shot of Dirk Strider, Kazuchika Okada, Helen Lorraine, Incelibug and Carl Grimes in a major fight.

"THAT'S MY WHOPPER JR!" shouted Kazuicha Okada, before taking Incelibug down with a Rainmaker. Then, the commercial cut to a closeup shot of a bottle of champagne before pulling out to reveal Tai Kamiya standing at the counter it's sitting on with his arm extended towards it.

"How soon will Tai Kamiya hit the bottle?" asked the announcer, before the commercial cut to an interview with Tai.

"I was my own worst enemy the first two times here, but you know what they say. . ." Tai said, ". . .third time's the charm."

"And will there be a repeat winner?" asked the announcer, before Scorpion shouted, "GET OVER HERE!" at Josuke Higashahita, and the commercial cut to the SurvivorVerse All Stars 3 logo.

"Find out this Wednesday night on the season premiere of SurvivorVerse: All-Stars 3 at 7pm only on CBS!"

The commercial then faded to black before fading back up on what appeared to be a political advertisement with a still black and white image of Baraka with a shady facial expression over a red background.

"President Baraka should BE RECALLED." said a female voiceover, as graphics came on-screen that correspond with the following dialogue.

"He sat on his hands during Justice League member Stanley "The Mask" Ipkiss's killing spree of terror as the Big Head Killer, then watched the Justice League let him walk free. He continues to do nothing, even after League members, the Infamous Six, opened fire in a hotel, putting innocent guests and bystanders in the line of reckless fire.

Recall FWM President Baraka.

Regulate The League.

Better Leadership Now PAC is responsible for the content of this message."

The political advertisement faded to black, then faded up on a montage of shots from inside an ESPN studio.

"The 2021 NFL: Fiction Draft has come to a close, and ESPNF has all the fiction sports analysis and coverage that you can count on! Tune in as our panel of experts analyze the draft's winners. . ."

The commercial then cut to Stephen A. Smith talking to someone off-screen in the ESPN studio.

"The Androids are GOING to the Big Game with Elsa at the quarterback position!" assured Stephen A. Smith, before the commercial cut to a shot of D'Antwone Lawson shaking Dr. Manhattan's hand and holding his Animateds jersey toward a camera.

"And the draft's losers. . ." said the voiceover, before the commercial cut to Skip Bayless in the studio.

"Quite frankly, I don't know what the Animateds were THINKING!" Skip Bayless said, before the commercial cut to graphics that read, "ESPNF NFLverse Live: Draft Recap Special".

"Find out on our NFLverse Live: Draft Recap Special! Tomorrow night at 6pm eastern, only on ESPNF!" said the announcer, just before the commercial faded to black, allowing the show to transition back to the arena, where Smokey The Bear was smothering Mario in the center of the ring with a bearhug!

"We're back live here on Monday Night Massacre in the thick of Mario's first defense of his newly-won XCW World Television Championship, but Shake, the Champion of Life may not be an XCW Champion for too much longer if Smokey continues to dominate him like he did during the break!" Frylock informed. "Mario's been able to get a few moves in, but The Living Legend is living up to his moniker by using his clear size advantage and strength, such as when Mario went for his trademark rolling suplexes, but Smokey was too big for him to lift up, and he would counter it with a forward suplex! And then later on, Mario went for a springboard DDT, but Smokey caught him and dropped him onto the mat with a falling powerslam! Now The Major Mascot is caving the Champion of Life's chest in with his legendary bearhug, and in doing so, is proving to the world that everything old can be new again!"

"I can't believe Mario would fight DOWN to the level of his competition like this!" Shake snapped. "Then again, maybe I can, given his ego! I'm just waiting for him to hulk up and hit the four moves of doom at this point."

"Can he even get Smokey off his feet, though? Can he even get out of this devastating bearhug?" Frylock wondered, as Mario gasped and fought for air but to no avail. The referee asked Mario if he wanted to quit but all he could do was wave his arms around and gasp for air! Smokey fell down to his knees, taking Mario down with him. The Champion of Life continued attempting to elbow out of the hold, but he began to fade out of consciousness, waving his arms slower and slower!

Mario's body went limp as the referee raised his arm up, and dropped it, letting it fall to his side. The referee counted one before raising his arm again! The referee dropped it, letting it fall to the Champion of Life's side again, counting two. The referee raised Mario's arm once more. . .

. . .dropped it, letting it fall. . .

. . .UNTIL MARIO'S ARM SHOT BACK UP!

"NO! YOU CAN'T COUNT MARIO OUT JUST YET!" Frylock screamed, as Mario gained a second life! Mario elbowed Smokey repeatedly in the head, and pulled himself back up to a standing position, kicking the Living Legend in the abdomen on his way! Mario rose up to a complete standing position. . .and with one swift kick to the chest, broke out of Smokey's grasp, knocking him toward the ropes. Mario then lunged forward after Smokey bounced back and took him down with a 1-Uppercut! Both men were down in the center of the ring as the fans exploded with cheers and chants of "MARIO! MARIO! MARIO!"

"The fans are on their feet here in Gravity Falls for this throwback to the early days of wrestling!" Frylock declared. "Smokey The Bear has used his size advantage very well in his first match in almost 25 years, but Mario has fought back valiantly against the Living Legend and his former rival! Who's gonna win the XCW World Television Championship?"

Smokey pulled himself up to a standing position with the ropes in front of him while Mario slowly but surely reached a vertical base, clenching his abdomen from all the bumps he had taken over the course of the match. Both men turned around to face each other and Smokey went for a lariat. . .

. . .

. . .but Mario kicked Smokey into the ropes with a missile dropkick! Smokey bounced off the ropes only to get his legs swiped out from under him by Mario. . .

. . .

. . .who locked him into a Boston Crab!

"Mario's got Smokey locked in a Boston Crab!" Frylock called. "He's looking to weaken Smokey's back and hinder his mobility! Will Smokey tap out?"

"If he doesn't tap out, his legs will get ripped out of their sockets!" Shake implored. "If the man's been wrestling since the 60s, his legs'll snap like twigs and turn to dust!"

The referee knelt down and asked Smokey if he wanted to quit. But the Living Legend shook his head no and inched toward the ropes while Mario wrenched harder and harder onto the hold! Smokey was quick to use his power to worm ever closer to the ropes. . .

. . .

. . .extend his arm out. . .

. . .

. . .AND SUCCESSFULLY DRAPE HIS ARM OVER THE BOTTOM ROPE, FORCING MARIO TO BREAK THE HOLD!

"AND SMOKEY THE BEAR ENFORCES THE ROPE BREAK!" Frylock called. "But what kind of damage has been done to his lower body?"

"Enough to put him six feet under, I hope." Shake quipped, as Smokey struggled to pull himself up with the ropes in front of him. . .

. . .

. . .UNTIL MARIO DROPPED HIM ON HIS KNEE WITH A RANDY ORTON-ESQUE BACKBREAKER!

"Now look at the Champion of Life exacerbating the damage he inflicted with the Boston Crab on Smokey's back with that Backbreaker!" Frylock called. "The XCW World Television Champion is in total control!"

"Good for him! Will he be able to win without that yellow dumbass getting in the way?" Shake wondered, as Mario pulled Smokey up in a headlock. . .

. . .

. . .ONLY TO TAKE SMOKEY DOWN ON HIS HEAD WITH AN IMPALER DDT!

"MARIO KNEW SMOKEY WASN'T GONNA GO DOWN WITH JUST THAT, SO HE LANDED AN IMPALER DDT!" Frylock yelled. "WILL MARIO RETAIN THE TV TITLE IN HIS FIRST DEFENSE?"

Mario turned Smokey onto his back and went for the cover, hooking the leg! 1. . .

. . .

2. . .

. . .

. . .2.5 SMOKEY POWERED OUT, CAUSING MARIO TO FLY UPWARDS AND HIT THE MAT FACE-FIRST!

"Smokey The Bear kicked out with AUTHORITY!" Frylock called. "The Living Legend still has a dog in this fight!"

"If Smokey loses this match, someone oughta take that dog around back and do him in like Old Yeller." Shake said, as Smokey slowly rolled onto his chest and pushed himself up to a standing position before grabbing Mario by the arm and Irish whipping him HARD across the ring before dropping him on his back with an arm drag! But Smokey kept his grip on Mario's wrist so he could pull him up to a standing position and drop him with a short-arm clothesline! But the Living Legend STILL didn't let go, electing to pull Mario up and nail him between the eyes with a bionic elbow! Mario stumbled toward the ropes, clenching his face in pain. . .

. . .

. . .only for Smokey to lift the Champion of Life off his feet and chuck him into a top turnbuckle with Snake Eyes face-first! Mario reeled back toward Smokey in a daze. . .

. . .

. . .UNTIL SMOKEY LIFTED HIM ONTO ONE OF HIS SHOULDERS. . .

. . .

. . .AND DROPPED HIM IN THE CENTER OF THE RING WITH A RUNNING POWERSLAM!

"MARIO IS UNABLE TO MATCH THE STRENGTH OF SMOKEY THE BEAR!" Frylock cried. "WILL SMOKEY WIN THE THE XCW WORLD TELEVISION CHAMPIONSHIP, AND AVENGE ARTHUR'S LOSS LAST NIGHT?"

"I hope he breaks a hip." Shake stated, as Smokey laid on top of Mario for the cover, hooking the near leg! 1. . .

. . .

2. . .

. . .

. . .2.5 MARIO KICKED OUT! Smokey couldn't believe it!

"OH MY GOD HOW CLOSE WERE WE TO HAVING A NEW WORLD TELEVISION CHAMPION?" Frylock shouted unintelligibly, as Arthur punched the apron repeatedly from ringside with a clenched fist in frustration.

"Arthur looks like he's about to explode, and that's something I wanna see outta the First PBS Kid!" Shake said. "He let me down by losing to this fatass plumber from Brooklyn last night, so I wanna see his brains and entrails all over this arena sooner rather than later!"

Frylock blinked twice. "You're not gonna see that in THIS match, Shake. . .because despite his actions since arriving in XCW, the crowd is happy to see Smokey The Bear doing what he does best: wrestle, and he's giving Mario the fight of his life in his first defense of the World Television Championship!"

"Please. If he loses, I wanna see him go rabid and burn down this entire arena! It's what these idiot marks deserve for all of a sudden thinking that Mario is their best goddamn friend!" Shake attested.

"He asked for their help when he was in a submission maneuver last night, Shake! And if it wasn't for them coming through for him when he needed 'em, he wouldn't be holding the World TV title right now!" insisted Frylock.

"If it wasn't for Spongebob and Hotsuma, Frylock." Shake deadpanned. "Fixed that for ya."

"Nevertheless, Mario hasn't had any outside help in his first title defense, but the Champion of Life is in a precarious predicament right now!" Frylock called, as Smokey pulled Mario up and lifted him in a fireman's carry position on his shoulders. . .

. . .

. . .ONLY FOR MARIO TO SLIP OUT OF IT BEHIND HIM! The Champion of Life then shoved Smokey into the ropes in front of him. . .

. . .

. . .AND PUNCHED HIM IN THE CHIN WITH A 1-UPPERCUT ON THE BOUNCEBACK. . .but Smokey STILL stayed on his feet! Mario then Irish whipped Smokey across the ring again. . .

. . .

. . .AND HIT HIM WITH A SECOND 1-UPPERCUT. . .

. . .

. . .BUT SMOKEY STILL REMAINED ON HIS FEET! The Living Legend bounced off the ropes after the impact and staggered toward Mario. . .

. . .

. . .WHO LIFTED HIM UP AND DROPPED HIM IN THE CORNER WITH A SCOOP SLAM!

"OH MY GOD!" Frylock screamed, as Mario collapsed onto the canvas from exhaustion while the crowd exploded with chants of, "HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!"

"MARIO JUST LIFTED SMOKEY OFF HIS FEET AND SLAMMED HIM DOWN TO THE CANVAS!" Frylock screamed. "THESE TWO MAY HAVE BEEN WRESTLING FOREVER, BUT THEY HAVE PLENTY OF GAS LEFT IN THE TANK!"

"Aw great, Mario's hulking up." Shake said with disgust. "What's he gonna do next, make a sex tape full of racist shit?"

"Mario may have a big ego, but he's not hateful enough to do that, Shake!" Frylock responded. "But who knows what else he'll pull out of his sleeves in order to win this World Television Championship match?"

Mario rolled toward the ropes adjacent to the corner in which Smokey was seated and pulled himself up to a standing position. The Champion of Life then stumbled toward the opposing corner and flashed a peace sign toward the fans before charging forward. . .

. . .

. . .AND LANDING A RUNNING CANNONBALL SENTON ONTO SMOKEY! Mario then went for the cover, hooking a leg. . .

. . .

. . .BUT ARTHUR PUT SMOKEY'S FOOT ON THE BOTTOM ROPE! 1. . .

. . .

2. . .

. . .

. . .THE REFEREE SAW SMOKEY'S FOOT ON THE ROPE AND STOPPED THE COUNT!

"OH NOW WAIT A DAMN MINUTE!" Frylock shouted. "MARIO THOUGHT HE HAD IT, BUT THAT DAMN ARTHUR READ MAY HAVE JUST GOTTEN AWAY WITH SCREWING HIM OUT OF A VICTORY!"

Mario pulled at his hat with anger and shouted at the referee, pointing at Arthur Read, who held his hands up and protested his innocence from ringside while Spongebob turned the corner and shouted in the First PBS Kid's direction!

"If Arthur can't be TV Champion, he will be by association!" Shake said. "Gimme a break. He thinks he's so smart, but he AIN'T! Now I gotta watch this match until one of them blows out their knee!"

"Arthur's smarts weren't the reason for his loss last night, Shake. . .but it appears that Mario looks to be employing some smarts of his own! What could he possibly be doing?" Frylock wondered, as Mario pulled Smokey up to his feet and draped his upper body over the top rope to the left of the corner's top turnbuckle, while placing his legs over the top rope to the right of the corner's top turnbuckle. The Champion of Life then flashed another peace sign at the crowd before shouting, "IIIIIIII'M READY!". . .

. . .

. . .before STRAINING to lift Smokey off the ropes in a fireman's carry position. . .

. . .

. . .AND DROP HIM WITH A NINTENDOZER!

"OH MY GOD!" Frylock shouted. "MARIO DIDN'T GET TO GO VERY FAR, BUT A NINTENDOZER IS A NINTENDOZER! WILL IT GET HIM THE VICTORY?"

Mario crawled on top of Smokey, draping his arm over his chest for the cover! 1. . .

. . .

2. . .

. . .

. . .2.75 SMOKEY KICKED OUT! Mario couldn't believe it!

"NO! SMOKEY IS STILL ALIVE!" Frylock shouted, as Mario rolled onto his back, clenching his back and abdomen in pain while Spongebob looked on from the ring apron, cheering on his friend and tag team partner.

"How much more pain can The Champion of Life inflict on Smokey The Bear?" Frylock wondered. "What can Mario use in his arsenal against this iconic powerhouse without hurting himself?"

Mario then crawled toward a nearby corner, straining to pull himself up to the top rope. Upon reaching the top turnbuckle, though, the Champion of Life raised a peace sign to cheers from the crowd, who rose to their feet in time to watch Mario size Smokey up. . .

. . .

. . .AND GET SHOVED OFF THE TOP ROPE FROM BEHIND BY ARTHUR!

"GODDAMMIT!" cursed Frylock, as Mario landed head and shoulder first onto the mat! "THE FIRST PBS KID IS LOOKING TO GET VENGEANCE OF HIS OWN AFTER HIS LOSS LAST NIGHT!"

"IF YA WANT REVENGE, GO FIND HOTSUMA, YOU DUMBASS!" Shake yelled. "Now you look like a jealous twat!"

"Shake, can you BE any bigger of a hypocrite right now?" Frylock shouted, as Mario and Smokey came ever closer to reaching a standing position while Mario was using the ropes next to him to stand up, clenching his head in pain after his fall. Smokey The Bear then jogged toward the ropes behind him while the Champion of Life finally reached a standing position and charged toward Smokey for another 1-Uppercut. . .

. . .

. . .BUT SMOKEY TURNED HIM AROUND 360 DEGREES WITH AN AXE BOMBER! The Living Legend then pulled Mario up by his suspenders and slugged him with a three-punch combination before lifting him up. . .

. . .

. . .AND DROPPING HIM ON HIS BACK WITH A PUMPHANDLE POWERBOMB!

"WHAT A DEVASTATING MANEUVER FROM SMOKEY!" Frylock called. "MARIO MAY BE OUT OF IT! WILL WE HAVE A NEW WORLD TELEVISION CHAMPION?"

Smokey went for the sitout cover! 1. . .

. . .

2. . .

. . .

. . .MARIO KICKED OUT! Smokey raised three fingers toward the referee, who insisted that the count was only two!

"Smokey thought he had the match won right then and there, but there is no quit inside the Champion of Life!" Frylock called. "How the hell is this possible?"

"Either Spongebob's encouragement is paying off, or all the bumps and head trauma Mario's suffered over the years are finally taking their toll!" Shake declared, as Smokey pulled Mario up by the suspenders and got a punch to the face from the Champion of Life that made him furrow his brow at his longtime rival in anger! The Living Legend then dropped Mario onto the mat with a Scoop Slam before pulling him up by the suspenders to face his back. Smokey then gripped Mario by the sides. . .

. . .

. . .AND DROPPED HIM BACK ON HIS FEET FOR AN ATOMIC DROP! Mario winced from the impact, clenching his lower back in pain, but Smokey then locked Mario in a wrist-lock, wrenching on the Champion of Life's punching hand until Mario let out a cry of agony! Smokey then headbutted Mario right between the eyes before Irish whipping him across the ring. . .

. . .

. . .AND CLOCKING HIM IN THE FACE WITH A BIG BOOT!

"THE BIG BOOT CONNECTS!" Frylock exclaimed. "SMOKEY'S A BIG MAN WITH BIGGER FEET!"

"And a big sense of entitlement, if his advocacy is anything to go by!" Shake added, as Smokey went for the cover, hooking the leg!

"He'll have a LOT to be happy about if this nets him his first singles championship in over twenty years!" Frylock declared, as the referee made the count 1. . .

. . .

2. . .

. . .

. . .2.75 MARIO KICKED OUT! Smokey shot up from the cover, aghast in disbelief!

"HE'S GOT I-NO! WHAT A KICKOUT!" Frylock yelled, as Arthur picked up the trademark shovel that Smokey brought out to the ring and slid it into the ring. . .

. . .

. . .to a-head shake from Smokey?

"In Arthur's mind, drastic measures are called for at this point in the match, but Smokey doesn't want any of it!" Frylock called.

"Why the hell would he say no to that?" Shake exclaimed. "He's helped Arthur win by cheating! Don't go wishy-washy all of a sudden, ya stupid treehugging BITCH-ASS BEAR!"

"I think Smokey's willing to help Arthur succeed by any means necessary, but when it comes to his battles, the Living Legend wants to live up to his moniker and win them on his own!" Frylock said, as Arthur collected the shovel. . .

. . .

. . .AND FOLLOWED SMOKEY AS HE DRUG MARIO TOWARD A CORNER!

"If Smokey doesn't wanna fight dirty, Arthur will do it himself! FINALLY, the four-eyed anteater takes some INITIATIVE!"

Arthur climbed up the steel steps, waiting for Smokey to raise Mario high above his shoulders in a gorilla press formation. . .

. . .

. . .as he reared the shovel back like a baseball bat. . .

. . .

. . .AND-WAS THROWN OFF THE STEEL STEPS AND AGAINST THE BARRICADE BY A RELEASE GERMAN SUPLEX FROM SPONGEBOB!

"BUT THE SPONGE SUPLEX MACHINE COMES TO THE AID OF HIS FRIEND AND TAG TEAM PARTNER!" Frylock exclaimed. "ARTHUR MAY VERY WELL BE OUT COLD!"

"GODDAMMIT, JUST WHEN I WAS STARTING TO GET SOME CONFIDENCE BACK IN YA…." snapped Shake, as Smokey kept Mario raised high in a gorilla press formation while he climbed up to the top rope. . .

. . .

. . .UNTIL MARIO HIT HIM IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD WITH A KNEE STRIKE THAT SENT SMOKEY FALLING OFF THE TURNBUCKLE AND ONTO THE MAT. . .

. . .

. . .WHILE MARIO LANDED IN A PERCHED POSITION ON THE TOP ROPE!

"THE CHAMPION OF LIFE FOUND AN OPENING IN NO MAN'S LAND!" Frylock called. "AND NOW MARIO'S ABOUT TO GO AIRBORNE!"

The fans rose up to their feet, cheering with excitement as Mario rose up to a standing position. . .

. . .

. . .sized Smokey up. . .

. . .

. . .and leapt off the top rope. . .

. . .

. . .TO SUCCESSFULLY LAND THE SUPER MARIO SPLASH!

"THE SUPER MARIO SPLASH CONNECTS!" Frylock called, as Mario clenched his ribs after the impact before crawling on top of Smokey for the cover, hooking one leg! 1. . .

. . .

2. . .

. . .

. . .3!

"AND MARIO IS STILL THE WORLD TELEVISION CHAMPION!" Frylock declared, as Mario rolled off from the cover, looking up at the lights with a relieved smile after the bell rang!

"The winner of this match. . .AAAAAAAAAND STILL. . .the Xtreme Cartoon Wrestling Television Champion of the WOOOOOOOOOORLD. . .'The Champion of Life'. . .MAAAAAAAAARIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Mario has achieved his first successful title defense, but it wasn't easy because Smokey The Bear fought Mario with everything he had in what was a throwback to the days of fiction wrestling's golden era!" Frylock recapped. "The match may have been slow, but given the experience of these two men, they knew how to work at that style and pace, and the Champion of Life adapted to the Living Legend's size and strength advantage with great showmanship and strategy, which paid off in the end! But we can't discount Smokey's efforts in his first match in over 20 years, because despite ring rust, the Major Mascot went into this match hoping to avenge Arthur and all of animal kind, and did so in a valiant and impressive effort. But when it mattered most, the Champion of Life, Mario, stayed true to his promise of defending the XCW World Television title in his first of what should be a great series of open challenges!"

The referee raised Mario's arm in victory after giving him the XCW World Television Championship title belt. After the referee left the ring, Spongebob came into the ring from above the second rope and raised the hand of Mario, who raised the XCW World Television title belt high above his head with his other hand.

"GIMME A GODDAMN BREAK, FRYLOCK!" Shake yelled. "THE ONLY REASON THIS FATSO IS STILL HOLDING HIS TITLE IS BECAUSE OF HIS TAG TEAM PARTNER AND NOTHING MORE! This egomaniacal idiot is gonna brag about this "big win" for as long as he is champion, but the fact is he beat a geriatric old man with senility! This ain't nothing for him or that sponge idiot to gloat about! And don't think Arthur's off the hook too, because the First PBS Kid needed to be MORE aggressive in assisting Smokey The Goddamn Bear if he missed being World Television Champion so much! If Smokey didn't want the shovel, Arthur shoulda HIT HIM with it and went into business for himself! But NO. This kid takes TOO much pride in being from PBS, and it cost him and Old Man Smokey the victory! Something's gotta change between these two, or else they're doomed to fade into obscurity and fight in high school gyms like they did just decades prior!"

"I would rather argue that tonight just wasn't Arthur and Smokey's night, the First PBS Kid's attempts to interfere notwithstanding." Frylock responded. "Tonight was simply a good night for the Kings of Greatness, Spongebob Squarepants and Mario-"

Mario and Spongebob were about to celebrate by stepping on opposite corners. . .

. . .

. . .UNTIL ARTHUR TOOK MARIO DOWN IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD WITH A SHOVEL SHOT!

"OH NOW WAIT A DAMN MINUTE!" Frylock screamed, as Spongebob went for a right hand against Arthur. . .

. . .

. . .BUT ARTHUR NAILED HIM RIGHT BETWEEN THE EYES WITH THE SHOVEL, KNOCKING HIM DOWN!

"That is a DISGUSTING act from the First PBS Kid." Frylock called. "Absolutely CLASSLESS."

The First PBS Kid stared down at Mario and Spongebob with a look of fury as he screamed off-mic, "YOU DON'T GET TO CELEBRATE! NOT UNTIL I RECLAIM WHAT'S MINE! YOU HEAR ME? I'M THE FIRST PBS KID! I DESERVE TO HOLD THE WORLD TELEVISION TITLE! BECAUSE THE REVOLUTION….WILL BE TELEVISED!"

Arthur handed the shovel to Smokey, who accepted it with a neutral expression on his face.

"Well, Shake. . .I don't blame Smokey The Bear for feeling like he's in an awkward situation." Frylock said, ". . .he just put on a great effort in his first match in over twenty years, and wanted to congratulate his rival on a fair victory, but his client Arthur Read had to get the final word! Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place!"

"If he doesn't like that, he should just RETIRE or HIBERNATE for the rest of his goddamn life!" Shake demanded. "Wrasslin' ain't for nice guys, and Arthur Read is at least smart enough to understand THAT! If he knows what's good for him, he'll let the First PBS Kid continue his pursuits for the XCW World Television Championship because it's his way or the highway!"

Arthur continued to stare Mario and Spongebob down with an incensed stare and fists clenched while the crowd CONTINUED to rain boos down on him until the show transitioned to D-Generation Ed's dressing room, where Ed was spinning around on the chair behind a desk, and Eddy was glancing from a couch at Nazz, who was standing in front of the room's doorway.

---

"Are you SERIOUS?" Eddy exclaimed. "We're fighting in the main event tonight? Against TOMMY, SHENHUA and TREVOR PHILLIPS? What the heck did you say to 'im, Nazz?"

"Nothing!" insisted Nazz. "I was just talking to Sora in the parking garage and then he came up and started talking trash to us, so I told him how I felt about him, and what he did last night!"

"Figures…" Eddy responded, ". . .I wish I would have been there.. I would have given him a piece of my mind and knocked him into next week!"

"You don't think I could have done that?" Nazz wondered, to a sweatdrop from Eddy.

"Um…..no. . ." Eddy insisted, sweating up a storm, ". . .I just. . .uhhhhh. . .I just didn't want anything bad to happen to. . . . . .uhhhh. . .someone I. . ."

"Someone who what. . .?" Nazz asked, raising an eyebrow.

". . .someone I. . . . . .think is a good manager!" finished Eddy, with a sigh. "Still, it's cool you stood up for yourself. . .but now, we've got a hell of a match ahead of us. . .if Sockhead were here, he'd form a strategy. . ."

"Yeah. . .it's a shame he's still injured after Trevor and the Empire attacked you guys last night. . ." Nazz said, ". . .what do you think about this, Ed?"

"When opportunity knocks, spread the avocado when it counts!" Ed answered, raising an index finger, before falling out of the chair with a crash. "Ed is okay!"

"You know something, Ed is RIGHT for once!" Eddy said with confidence. "We get an opportunity to fight the XCW World Heavyweight Champion AND one of our attackers last night! We're gonna avenge Double D and tell Tommy and the Empire what we think of them ourselves. . .but with our FISTS! And who knows? Maybe in the main event slot. . .we get a bigger purse with the victory. . ."

"That's the spirit!" Nazz said, pumping a fist in the air. "We've got this! A victory tonight will put us in the main event for sure!"

"It's been a LONG time since I've gotten this close to a World Championship. . ." Eddy said, ". . .and we're the most decorated faction in this business for a reason! We're gonna give Tommy a surprise he'll never forget. . .and if he doesn't like THAT. . ."

". . .we'll have two words for him!" Nazz assured, about to hit the D-X crotch chop in unison with Eddy, before Ed interrupted with,

"DIJON MUSTARD!"

Eddy facepalmed at Ed ruining the moment, while the Assistant With Assets chuckled.

"As Double D would say. . .you're a lovable oaf, Ed!" Nazz commented, before the show transitioned to a shot of Hotsuma stepping down a hallway with the rest of the Knighthood of Assassins following him, as the crowd EXPLODED with boos.

"Well ladies and gentlemen, it's a hell of a night for D-Generation Ed, but it's even more so for "The Animation Icon" Bugs Bunny. . .because that man, Hotsuma, and his fellow Assassins are on their way out here to coronate him into the Knighthood of Assassins!" Frylock informed. "The Knighthood's own Knighting Ceremony for Bugs Bunny. . .unfortunately. . .is coming up next!"

The Knighthood of Assassins continued to step down the hallway with stoic but determined expressions until the show transitioned to a commercial break.

---

Alright, there's part one for now. As always, let me know what you think of my booking, and if my storylines and characters are inconsistent anywhere. Also, let me know if the picture-in-picture fictional commercials worked for ya! I'm trying something creative when it comes to skipping TV matches from the beginning to the end, and thought making a dig about wrestling's reliance on picture-in-picture would be fun. XD

Part two will come soon, but until then. . .please READ, REACT AND REVIEEEEEEEEEEW! XD