Chapter 94.

In the library, Cas hesitated. Sarah had worked out what was going on and she understood enough to know whether what he was doing was a good or bad decision for everyone involved. She would be kind and supportive, she always was, but maybe, in her voice or choice of words, he would hear quiet criticism or the belief that he was being selfish. Worse, he could imagine both and be flipped back into all the uncertainty that had drained away when Jules had been with him, assuring him that she could not be happy if he set her free.

At last, he summoned up enough courage to call. She answered quickly, suggesting she had been hovering over the phone. "Castiel?" she said.

"Hello, Sarah." he said. That felt safe.

"It's good to hear your voice, dear Castiel." she said, "How are you?"

"My grace is back." he said.

"Good." she said. He was hoping she would say something about what he should have done about Jules but he could feel her trying not to ask before he offered the information.

"Jules and I are, for a lot of different reasons, staying together." he said.

"Oh, thank goodness for that!" she said.

"I thought you would be uncertain about it." he said. She did not sound uncertain.

"No. You're uncertain. That's perfectly natural. Are you alone?"

"Yes." he said.

"So I can speak about ... "

"Someone could walk in here and hear and they mustn't." he said quickly and as quietly as he could.

"I understand. With all the things troubling you, of course your thousand-track mind is coming up with every doubt it can think of. It's your nature to consider and over-consider every possible outcome and issue. You're so afraid of doing the wrong thing that the rightest thing can look wrong."

"Dean says I overthink." he admitted.

"You do, but it's understandable. I know how you feel about Jules, my dear. I know that you would never want her to suffer with you, but you need to remember that she would suffer even worse alone. I lost David and Carl and here I am, a lonely old woman. I don't wish I'd never married or never had my son. Though our time together wasn't long enough, it was wonderful. The memories I treasure ... "

"I offered to erase her memories to spare her pain." he said., "She was very upset."

"She would be. With the life that poor girl has had, they're about all she has of good memories. Jules and I have talked a lot, late into many nights and she loves you with everything she has."

"Last night, I felt as if I hung out over a chasm and the only thing keeping me from falling was that she would not let go. Even as I begged her to let me go, for her own sake, I wished that she would stay and I was angry with myself for being selfish and I was afraid you would think it selfish too."

She laughed softly, without mockery. "You, my dear, crazed, convoluted angel, are the most selfless being I ever met. I'm so glad that, in this one thing, you allowed yourself to be persuaded by your own needs."

"But is it right?" he said, "Can it ever be right to do what I want to do and not what I should?"

"What you wanted to do gave Jules what she wanted." said Sarah.

"Yes, but ... "

"And it gave Dean and Sam and Jack what they wanted."

"Yes." said Cas.

"And it gave me what I wanted. Can it be bad, if it brings joy to everyone that loves you?"

"But she'll be around when ... She'll have to ... "

"Lose you? Maybe, but you have Jack. Maybe he can bring you back. Whether he can or not, do you really think she would prefer to lose you now?"

"With the deal hanging over me and only her, you and Jack that I can discuss it with, or even acknowledge that it exists," he said in a whisper, "Doesn't that place too much pressure on the three of you? And especially her."

"Jules would never have been fooled, even if you hadn't told her. She reads you better than Dean and I can and she would have known something was wrong. Imagine if she were facing something terrible and cut herself off from you, keeping you from giving her your support. Would you feel good about that?"

A bitter burning sensation began in his chest at the thought. The idea that Jules might run from him instead of to him in those circumstances made him feel nauseated. "No." he said, "That would not feel good."

"No. It would hurt you, almost as much as losing her would. Her biggest fear has been that you will be alone in all this. The thought was unbearable to her."

"So you think I did the right thing?" he said.

"I know you did the right thing. Just because it makes you feel good doesn't mean it's wicked and selfish. She needs to love you as you need to love her."

"She knows what lies ahead." he said.

"Yes and she chose to accept it and be beside you."

"She chose that, for me." he said.

"Because she loves you."

"She said Hell with me would be Paradise to her."

"Wouldn't that be Paradise to you, too?"

"Except that she'd be suffering because of me." he said.

"Suffering is part of life and part of love."

"Angels ... "

"I know. But do you think that's better? To feel nothing?"

He thought back to the millions of years when he had felt little aside from awe and a sense of duty, then remembered the flesh on flesh contact in the shower, so small a thing, in the scope of the universe, but a feeling of closeness to Jules, of mattering to someone, of being accepted exactly as he was, the messed up, stupid, confused wreckage of an angel and she said his name as if he had value and dignity and honour.

He remembered her fingers, touching his hand. In all of those millions of years, nobody had offered him a loving touch like that or spoken his name with affection. No angel, not even God, his father, had made him feel loved and safe and worthwhile like she did and both the sacred, pure love of their friendship and the profane passion that flared between them whenever they were alone together were infinitely beautiful to him.

"No." he said, "I would not want to go back to that."

"We can't know when or how happiness will end." she said, "A landslide took my love, that place may take hers, but love is worth it. Love is always worth it. Now, while you and she are both alive and free, live, love, laugh and be happy, as much as you can."

"Happiness is a danger. Happiness will trigger it."

"Don't let that place control you. It has no right."

"But if I am taken ... "

"Then Sam and Dean or Jack or Jules will get you out of there. You have a lot of good friends, my dear and I wouldn't bet against any of them in any fight. Believe in them and live your life."

"I should get back to Jules. She'll worry that I'm overthinking."

"Are you?" she said.

"Not now." he said, "I think not now. Maybe I am being selfish, but maybe one moment of selfishness is not too great a sin."

"It's not selfishness, Castiel. You're doing the right thing for Jules and for everyone else."

"You would tell me if you thought otherwise?" he said.

"Yes, I would tell you. I had a whole speech worked out for if you hadn't come to your senses by this morning."

He laughed. "Thanks for always telling me the truth."

"Thanks for sometimes hearing it." she said.