Chapter 97: Saturday, May 4, 2002

"Happiness can only exist in acceptance."

-George Orwell

"It's Star Wars day."

Remus looked up from the book he was reading, his quill stilled in his hand as he stopped taking notes to regard Justin with a furrowed brow. His eyes dragged over to Ron, who shrugged and kept sifting through the book that laid before him.

"What?"

"Star Wars day. May the fourth be with you, get it?"

Remus puffed a snort of laughter and shook his head, "That's not even funny."

"You're literally from the seventies, and you're going to tell me you don't understand Star Wars humor? You're a half blood aren't you? Did you not watch telly?"

"I am." Remus agreed, "And, I've seen Star Wars. James had a bit of a...we'll call it a phase...where all he wanted to do was be Luke Skywalker. To be honest, it wasn't really my cuppa."

"Not your cuppa. How can it not be your cuppa? You're essentially C-3PO in a human skin!" Justin waved his arms around in Remus' general vicinity, a look of disbelief on his face.

"Not fully human and that's what Sirius used to say, too." Remus looked up at the ceiling in thought before continuing, "Which, honestly, it's a bit insulting."

Justin laughed, "I don't mean it as an insult. Who wouldn't want to be a brilliant robot? The possibilities."

"You know you're a wizard right, mate?" Ron asked, turning to Justin. "You can literally kick a robot's arse."

As Ron and Justin launched into a debate of what was better—space robots or being a wizard—Remus felt a twinge of fondness for them. He had missed this type of banter desperately, and while humor seemed to flow freely throughout the Shack at any given moment, it was nice to sit back and etch into his parchment and listen to Ron and Justin. If he closed his eyes—he could almost hear James and Sirius.

"I think it would be insulting if someone considered me to be cold and calculating like a robot," a light, wispy voice carried in from the doorway and Remus did not miss the way Ron's face immediately brightened.

"But the knowledge Luna! You're a Ravenclaw, you appreciate that sort of thing!" Justin insisted.

"And therein lies the issue, doesn't it? A Ravenclaw is not all I am. I appreciate knowledge and wisdom but I think what really matters is how you use it. It would be silly to think that just having all of that knowledge would make someone superior. They would need to use it, wouldn't they?"

Remus couldn't help but smile at the way Luna approached the argument. He remembered very little of the Ravenclaw—Pandora—who, he had been told, was her mother. But, he did recall her being lost amongst the library, drowning in books on subjects that held no merit or interest to most others. It would seem that her daughter had inherited the trait of thinking outside of the box.

Luna did not live at the Shack but she came frequently, mostly attached to Ron or Ginny's side, while she worked. Remus had yet to have a proper conversation with the witch—but that wasn't too peculiar. There were so many people in and out of the headquarters all hours of the day, that he had learned to just ignore the commotion that came with traveling parties. He liked Luna, as far as he could tell, she seemed nice enough but they were rarely in the same room together. When she came to the Shack on Order business, it was usually to relay information she had picked up through the contacts she had. Her father, Xenophilius, ran a strange little magazine called The Quibbler. According to Hermione, the magazine had gone underground following the fall of Voldemort.

Luna and her father had an array of unique contacts though—people she kept in contact with throughout the country that were questionable at best. Even if their credibility may not be what Remus considered reliable, these contacts had always given solid information—according to Hermione, anyway. Tonks and Charlie had even gone on to set traps for Snatchers based on the information that Luna had relayed.

"Hello, Remus," Luna sang, her soft voice breaking through his thoughts.

"Hi, Luna," Remus returned with a tight smile.

She beamed at him and turned to whisper something to Ron. Whatever she said, got his attention and he grabbed Justin's shoulder and motioned to the door.

"We'll be back soon," Ron said in a hurried voice. "We've got a lead to check on."

"Alright," Remus nodded, going back to his notes.

His eyes remained on his parchment until he heard the scratching of the stool across from. He looked up to see Luna gazing intently at him with her chin resting in the palm of her hand and an inquisitive look that suggested she had just asked a question and was awaiting a response.

"Sorry?" Remus said, trying to figure out whether she had actually asked a question and he had missed it or if she was just staring at him.

"You have nothing to be sorry for," she stated.

Just her face then, he thought, making the mental note to ask Hermione if Luna had a habit of making everyone feel uncomfortable under her wide-eyed gaze or if it was just him.

"Justin's sister was taken eight months ago," Luna supplied. "My father met a nymph who seemed to know of her. Apparently she's being held in a forest in Wales. I do hope she's still alive."

Remus set his quill down again and cleared his throat, shifting in the chair that suddenly seemed very uncomfortable. "Er—yeah. Yeah, me too."

"You know, I've seen that film they compared you to. And while I believe you are very clever and knowledgeable, I think you more resemble that robot in looks than in mind."

"A gold box of metal?" Remus muttered, unable to help himself.

"No, of course not!" she laughed, a tinkling sound that suggested his comment was much funnier than it actually was, "Tall and long limbed. And stiff. You are horribly stiff, Remus."

"Oh erm, I'm sorry?" He drew out, shifting again in the chair and trying to make the conscious effort to ease his shoulders a bit.

"Don't apologize. Some people just don't relax quite as easily as others. I've found that when my shoulders are stiff it's best to take a deep breath and unclench my jaw. Sometimes yelling works, too."

At this, Remus chuckled. He couldn't imagine the girl shouting at anything. "Yelling?"

"Oh yes," she said, gravely. "A good shout in the forest really helps sometimes. Have you tried it?"

"Er—no. No, I can't say that I have." Remus admitted, his eyes moving from left to right as he attempted to figure out if Luna was taking the piss out of him.

In a flash, Luna's hand had wrapped around his wrist and she was practically yanking him from his seat. For as petite and fragile looking as she was—the girl was bloody strong.

"What...er...Luna I-I don't think...I need to look over this—"

"Oh, whatever that is can wait. I assure you, this will help."

"I do enough screaming every month," Remus said, tightening every muscle in his core to try and hold himself in the chair. "I don't think—"

"That's against your will though, isn't it? Come on, follow me. Up now."

With a heavy sigh, Remus allowed himself to be pulled from his chair, closing the quill in the book to hold his space and trailing out of the library after Luna. When he reached the lower level and saw Hermione at the table, she—very poorly—concealed a smirk and raised an eyebrow in question at him. In response, Remus gave a half shrug and glared when Hermione laughed and looked back down at the cauldron that was in front of her.

Remus found himself outside surrounded by thick foliage and trees. He hadn't been in the forest since he arrived, thinking it probably best to avoid the place he had spent so much time with James, Sirius, and Peter during the full moons. If he concentrated, he could still see a stag and a dog trailing along the path and he blinked a few times, his eyes stinging. Maybe Luna was right, maybe he was stiff. But, he wasn't sure how he could feel relaxed—even if he was here with Hermione—his friends were all still dead.

He had spent a lot of time in the last month suppressing the overwhelming urge to sob or throw up when he thought of James, Lily, Sirius, and Peter. Which turned out to be all the time. Now that he was back with Hermione, it was like all the hurt he had felt for her had been funneled back into the loss of his best friends. Just when he would catch himself thinking of something other than the heartache of losing them, Harry would walk in the room and he'd be dizzy and sick all over again.

It was vicious and Remus wondered if he'd ever really heal from it.

After ten minutes of traipsing through underbrush and stepping over dead logs, Luna stopped in a small clearing. The treetops let through just a bit more of the afternoon sun, illuminating the space with an orange glow and he could make out the pixie nests that were high in the branches.

"I like to yell what I'm feeling," Luna said, moving around the clearing with her wand raised, murmuring silencing spells beneath her breath. "I don't want to disturb any of the creatures that call this their home."

"That's thoughtful," Remus murmured.

Luna hummed, "It's important to be honest in what you say, if you want, I can go beyond the silencing charm so that I won't hear you."

He wasn't sure what to make of her offer. He didn't even know what he was going to say and he wasn't sure it would make any sense to anyone but him. For all he knew, when he opened his mouth and put some force behind a shout, he may just scream "fuck" until he passed out. That certainly seemed like the only appropriate word for the sickening swirl of emotions that drowned him on a daily basis.

"You can listen to me first, if it will help," Luna suggested.

Unsure of how to respond or what to do, Remus nodded and chewed the inside of his cheek as he watched her walk the clearing. She removed her shoes and socks and seemed to dig her toes into the dirt before she pitched forward and let out an impressive bellow.

After the third long-winded shout into oblivion, Remus realized Luna hadn't said anything. She was just...screaming. Her face was red and the vein in her neck seemed to throb beneath her skin as she pushed out a fourth scream. After, she bent over, her hands on her knees as she panted, trying hard to catch her breath.

"Sometimes," she began, "I don't have anything I need to get off my chest. Sometimes it's nice to just let out the energy that might build there later."

"Right."

Remus moved his weight from foot to foot while he tried to get over the ridiculousness of what he was about to do. Biting back the urge to roll his eyes as he took in a deep breath, he pushed it out and bellowed loud and hard into the air around him.

As he yelled, he could feel Moony perking up with interest, as if he had been waiting for Remus to let loose and scream into the trees. Moony paced wildly in his mind and when he took a deep breath and let loose another shout, Moony began to howl.

"That's it!" Luna cheered him on, clapping a bit and bouncing on the balls of her feet. "Now, let it out! Don't be shy!"

"I WISH IT WAS ME!" Remus screamed, the words escaping him before he could stop them. They floated off his tongue and he stopped himself, mid shout, staring at Luna in shock. "I still wish it would have been me."

"You wish it were you?" she asked, "What do you mean?"

"I...I can't...I haven't even talked to Hermione…"

"I've found that sometimes I have things I can't tell Ron," Luna said, her airy tone now feeling comforting instead of strange. "It's easier to divulge our secrets to someone when we don't fear they'll love us less if they know it."

Remus stared at her, his throat stinging and his eyes burning as he took in a deep breath, trying to ease the ache in his chest. "I just...I wish sometimes that it would have been me that was...that was killed. James and Lily didn't deserve...Harry should have had them. And Sirius? God, Sirius sat in Azkaban for...fuck I can't even…imagine how..."

"So, don't imagine it."

His chest was heaving and tears were streaming down his cheeks, dripping off his chin to splash onto the ground. He hadn't said it out loud since he got fabulously wasted at James and Lily's house. He hadn't said it aloud to another soul and yet, ten minutes of screaming in the forest and he pouring his most horrible thoughts onto the girl.

What is wrong with me?

You're a pathetic, puny human who takes his life for granted.

Thanks for that.

Here to help.

Remus laughed and it sounded like madness and Luna tilted her head a bit in response, her eyes stripping him clean and gazing straight through him. He took back his previous thoughts on Luna. She was not a 'nice enough' girl. She was a fucking assassin in a petite fairy-esque body. She had ripped his already weak resolve to shreds in a matter of seconds and now he was on his knees blubbering away like an absolute pillock, spilling his heart out onto the grass.

"Don't imagine it," he finally repeated, bringing the back of his hand up to wipe his face, his sleeve darkening from the wet of his cheeks.

She kneeled next to him and placed a hand on his shoulder, "It looks like you're spending an awful lot of time thinking about how your friends died without you. It wasn't your fault that they died, but it wasn't their fault that you didn't. Blaming them won't help anymore than blaming yourself will."

He slowly pulled his face up, looking at her and trying to process what she had said. Had he been blaming James and Lily for dying? Sirius for being in the wrong place at the wrong time? Himself for not being there to...what exactly? Had he been there he would've been killed, probably, or worse. Would he have gone with Sirius to look for Peter? Chances are, he would have. And as a registered werewolf he wouldn't have made it out unscathed. They wouldn't have bothered to chuck him in Azkaban next to Sirius, they would have just killed him. And then what? Hermione would have never known him, she would have never come back to meet him because he wouldn't have made it to the age he first met her.

He would have died alone and it would have been splashed all over the front page of The Prophet as another werewolf gone rogue. Another werewolf who had lost their shit while surrounded by people and attacked. It would have been used as anti-werewolf propaganda and he would have never seen the day that a poor, disheveled werewolf from Wales secured his dream to be a teacher at the school he loved so much. He wouldn't see the beast who spent the full moon tearing himself apart grow to be someone who saved lives in battles and sacrificed himself for the people he cared for. He would have just been strewed as another Dark Creature who attacked a dozen people unprovoked.

So, he supposed, Luna Lovegood was right. He couldn't imagine it anymore because it hadn't happened. He hadn't been killed in place of James and Lily and as much as it made him sick to think it, James had made his choice.

Hermione puttered about the basement of the Shack, checking the cauldrons that remained in stasis and stirring the ones that needed attention. The next batch of Wolfsbane was coming along nicely, simmering in the corner under a modified shield charm to keep the smell from overtaking the house. She only looked up from the cauldrons when she heard footsteps on the creaking stairs.

"Harry," Hermione smiled, turning back to the strengthening solution she was working on.

"Hey, 'Mione. Glad you're here, I was looking for Remus too, but I couldn't find him."

"I saw him go outside with Luna a while ago," Hermione said.

"Oh, that's...interesting?" Harry offered, giving her an amused look.

"Is it?"

Harry chuckled, "It's Luna, so I suppose not. Nothing she does really surprises me anymore."

Hermione hummed in agreement, flashing a knowing smile over her shoulder. "What did you need?"

"Oh right, er—I've just talked to Tonks and Terry, they went to check some of the traps she laid down for the Snatchers...they were hiding out in a pub somewhere outside of Liverpool and they heard some low levels talking about a possible attack on St. Mungo's. Apparently they were complaining about it, saying they thought there was no point in the attack but—that doesn't matter. Anyway, they're moving again. I reckon Dolohov has decided he's done sitting still."

"Do you know when?" Hermione asked, turning her attention to Harry.

"No idea," he shrugged.

"So, what's the plan?"

"No idea about that either. I was hoping we could figure out the best move, see where we need to station people and put protection. Remus is going to need an alias, I think. Everyone on their side knows he's dead—they printed his name amongst the dead in The Prophet remember?"

"Yeah, that's probably a good idea. Here, no one knows who he is. No one knows he's a werewolf except us. He should be able to get into St. Mungo's without a problem and—oh my god!"

It hit her like a bludger to the skull. No one knows. All they needed to do was give him a name to go under and they could secure another ally in the Ministry. He wouldn't need to spend his time connecting to werewolf dens and risking his neck for cut-rate information that was convoluted and unreliable. He could work inside the Ministry. With the summer months coming and the days elongating, there was extended time before moonrise, he could easily work on full moon days without being too out of himself. And with the Wolfsbane potion and Hermione there to get him through his transformation...well, the last one he was relatively unscathed, wasn't he?

This could work.

"What?" Harry asked, his eyes widening with excitement. He rushed around the table, bouncing on his heels, "I know that look Hermione! What? What have you just figured out?"

"We need to contact Penelope," Hermione rushed out, meeting Harry's eyes. "See if she can get Remus into the Ministry."

"But they won't let him work there, he's a...oh. Oh. No one knows," Harry said.

"No one knows," Hermione smirked.

"Do you think he'll go for it?" Harry asked.

"In place of sitting here on his hands doing next to nothing or being sent back out to werewolf compounds and risking his life for hostile creatures that would rather see him dead? I absolutely think he'll go for it."

"Brilliant," Harry beamed.

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a/n: Ahhh this one is much later in the day than usual, my bad. I got caught up in IRL stuff. I hope you liked it though! Let me know?

xo