Villains' Night Out
Somewhere over Russia two Russian fighter jets were on patrol. "Base this is Blue Leader…" The first pilot spoke in Russian. "My sensors are starting to react to an unidentified object but I am picking up nothing on radar."
"It's probably aliens again," The second pilot chimed in.
"Alexi we've been over this," Blue Leader snapped. "There are no aliens!"
"Uh hello?" Alexi snapped. "What about that Avenger Thor? He's an alien!"
"That's just an American cover up due to their secret super soldier project run by the Illuminati," Blue Leader snapped back. "Everybody knows that!"
"What about all those spaceship reports seen all over the world?" Alexi challenged. "Including parts of Russia?"
"More propaganda designed to lure gullible bureaucrats to contribute to defense department budgets," Blue Leader told him. "I'm not saying it's a bad idea…"
ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"AAAAAHHHH!" The pilots screamed as the Cobra Spaceship zoomed over them so low it almost touched them. Then the ship took off.
"What the hell was that?" Blue Leader screamed.
"STILL THINK ALIENS AREN'T REAL, IDIOT?" Alexi shouted.
"BLUE LEADER TO BASE! WE'RE BEING INVADED!" Blue Leader screamed.
Meanwhile in the starship…
"Oh man," Gary chuckled. "Did you see the looks on those pilots' faces?"
Zartan smirked as he piloted the starship. "That's nothing. You should have seen some of the things we did in this one dimension…"
"No need to go into that," Cobra Commander waved from his seat.
MODOK was floating next to him. Crystal Ball was on his pedestal. Mindbender, Blood Wing, Gary and five other AIM soldiers were sitting at various controls. "This ship is impressive," MODOK remarked.
"Thank you," Cobra Commander waved. "I stole it myself. Zartan, find the nearest Russian base. Let's have a bit more fun."
"What do you mean?" Zartan asked as Cobra Commander got up and made his way to the weapons console. "Are you going to destroy the base?"
"Relax," Cobra Commander waved. "All I'm going to do is a few warning shots. Just to spook them a little. Ah there's the base…"
ZAAAPP! ZAPP! ZAPP!
"You blew up their control tower," Gary remarked.
"Oops," Cobra Commander snickered. "My bad."
"I think it's time we did a strategic retreat," Zartan winced at the damage. "Headed to outer space!" He maneuvered the ship and engaged the thrusters so that the ship went straight up.
"Oh man." MODOK laughed. "Russia is going to be on red alert for like a week!"
"Wanna buzz Iran?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Oh yeah!" MODOK nodded.
"Oh boy…" Zartan sighed.
"Here we go," Crystal Ball quipped.
Twenty minutes later the starship was back into orbit. "Well that didn't end well!" Zartan groaned. "Great shooting Commander!"
"Okay I'd like to state right now," Cobra Commander spoke up. "I didn't mean to blow up that mosque! Personally, I find religious persecution of any kind tacky! I believe in oppressing people no matter what religion they are!"
"It wasn't a mosque you blew up," Crystal Ball told him.
"Oh, that's a relief," Cobra Commander sighed. "What did I blow up?"
"A soccer museum," Crystal Ball told him.
"Uh oh…" Zartan gulped. "That might be even worse."
"It doesn't matter," Mindbender waved. "We lost those jets when we hit the stratosphere."
"I'm surprised Cobra Commander," MODOK mused. "That you have any respect for religion at all."
"Well it goes back to my Cobra La upbringing," Cobra Commander waved. "Our religion teaches us to be tolerant of other religions. Mostly because they don't know any better. Or just in case they might be right in the afterlife and we could use an in."
Gary asked. "What…?"
"Don't ask," Zartan begged.
Gary ignored him. "What religion are you?"
"He asked anyway," Zartan groaned.
Cobra Commander paused. "Well Cobra La religion is a bit complicated. Technically every caste has their own denomination. And some of them are denominations within denominations. Like my denomination was the science/noble class. We preached reason and logic. And prayed to the God of Reason Haman-Tep to smite our enemies who didn't agree with us."
"I told you not to ask," Zartan sighed.
"What's your denomination called?" MODOK asked.
"Now he's asking," Zartan sighed.
"Here's the thing," Cobra Commander paused. "The name of our religion in human language is Scientology. Which can be confusing to some humans."
"I can imagine," MODOK blinked.
"Cobra La Scientology is not to be confused with Human Scientology," Cobra Commander explained. "For one thing we discounted Dyanetics some millennia ago."
"Really?" MODOK asked. "Interesting."
"We do have a Xenu though," Cobra Commander admitted. "But he's not an intergalactic warlord that steals alien souls."
"Who is he in your religion?" Gary asked.
"He's Haman-Tep's janitor," Cobra Commander explained. "Spends a lot of time cleaning his bathroom."
"That's kind of a step down," Crystal Ball quipped.
"I dunno," Cobra Commander paused. "He does get to flush the souls of the unworthy into the Void of Torment. Along with you know? Haman-Tep's waste."
"I told you people not to ask," Zartan sighed. "But you still asked."
"As much as I admit it was fun doing some random terror," MODOK remarked. "Perhaps we should focus our efforts on more serious work?"
"And how has that worked out for you?" Cobra Commander asked. "Being serious all the time?"
"Pretty well…" MODOK admitted. "Mostly."
"Look," Cobra Commander told him. "Being a terrorist shouldn't be all business. You have to have fun with your job every now and then. Do something unexpected. Something that will drive your enemies crazy!"
"Unexpected…" MODOK thought. "Yes, there is truth in what you are saying. Something the world would not expect."
"Okay let's try this," Cobra Commander paused. "Think about what city you've always wanted to terrorize but haven't. And don't say New York or Washington DC. Because let's be honest, that's a bit overdone."
"You just terrorized Washington DC," MODOK pointed out.
"Technically it wasn't as much a terror attack as it was a statement on gridlock and the workings of government," Cobra Commander waved. "It was more of a spur of the moment thing."
"What by overflowing all their toilets and filling the major branches of the government full of…" Blood Wing stopped. "Okay I get it now."
"Yeah, it's not like he incited a riot or anything," Crystal Ball agreed.
"Hmmm…" MODOK thought. "There are many places that MODOK does not like…"
"How about trashing a Hydra base?" Gary suggested.
"Oooh!" MODOK said. "That sounds like fun!"
"Yeah, I could take another swing at those jerks," Zartan admitted.
"I'm good with that," Cobra Commander admitted. "You know a base we can just do a quick raid on?"
"Better than that," MODOK said. "I know where one of those so called high command jerks lives! You know they just sat by while I was sucked into an interdimensional wormhole?"
"That's right I remember hearing about that," Cobra Commander realized. "Hang on…How…?"
"Oh, I'd built myself an emergency interdimensional portal into my throne years ago," MODOK waved. "And since I get sucked into a portal at least once a year it comes in handy."
"That's good to have," Blood Wing remarked.
"Left those jerks Baron Zemo and Red Skull behind," MODOK snorted. "Oh, I know where Zemo's house is!"
"Baron Zemo has a house?" Mindbender asked.
"A couple mansions actually," MODOK explained. "But there's a summer home he has in Thailand!"
Cobra Commander asked. "Want to rob it and set it on fire?"
"I thought you'd never ask," MODOK grinned.
"No night is complete without a little arson," Crystal Ball remarked.
"Ooh! Can we see if he has a large screen TV?" Gary asked. "We could use one of those."
"He's probably got a dozen," MODOK admitted. "Oh, we should check the place for valuables before we burn it."
"Good plan," Cobra Commander said without sarcasm.
Twenty minutes later…in a remote area in Thailand…
FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Okay…" MODOK admitted as they all looked at the large burning building. "We probably should have checked for booby traps too."
"You think?" Zartan snapped. "Did anybody get anything?"
"I got an ashtray," Gary showed him.
"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" An AIM soldier ran by on fire.
"George got caught on fire," Another AIM soldier remarked.
"We were almost on fire!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Lucky for you," MODOK said smugly. "I have perfected my force field to protect us from the blast."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"
"Well most of us," MODOK admitted.
"At least we accomplished the destruction part," Cobra Commander shrugged. "Somebody take a picture of MODOK and me in front of the house."
"Why?" MODOK asked.
"You want Zemo to know who blew up his house don't you?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Seriously?" Blood Wing asked.
"Oh, he will be so unhappy!" MODOK cackled. "Picture time! Gary!"
"Say mass destruction!" Gary took out a cell phone. Mindbender did the same.
"Mass destruction!" Both Cobra Commander and MODOK said at the same time as they posed in front of the burning wreckage.
"Sending to e-mails," Gary worked the phone. "I know Zemo's e-mail."
"Send to mine too," Cobra Commander told Mindbender.
"Already did," Mindbender told him.
"Boy when Zemo gets out he's gonna be mad," Gary giggled.
"AAAHHHHH!"
"I'm going to get mad of someone doesn't shut him up!" Cobra Commander pointed to George.
"On it," Zartan had retrieved a flame extinguisher and shot George with it.
"Aaahhh…" George lay on the ground severely burned.
"Excuse me," Blood Wing spoke up. "I don't want to be rude and all. But since George is going to die anyway…I am feeling a tad hungry…"
"Help yourself," MODOK told him. "If you don't mind him extra crispy."
"Oh no," Blood Wing shook his head. "I rather like smoked flavor."
"Well that was fun," MODOK said as Blood Wing dragged what was left of George into the bushes. "What next?"
"We'll give Blood Wing a minute to have his snack," Cobra Commander told him. "Any other Hydra locations nearby we can blow up?"
"Actually yes," MODOK realized. "Hydra has a base in Madripoor."
"All right!" Mindbender whooped. "That's a party city!"
"Are you kidding?" Gary asked. "That place makes Mos Eisley look like Mayberry!"
"Relax," Mindbender waved. "I know a place where we can just chill out."
MODOK thought. "MODOK could…chill out for a bit. Before we blow up the other Hydra location."
"Then Madripoor it is!" Cobra Commander agreed. "Uh Blood Wing are you done?"
"Just a minute…" Blood Wing called out from behind a bush.
"God, I hate slow eaters," MODOK sighed.
A surprisingly short time later in the island nation of Madripoor…
"The Crystal Serpent Casino?" Cobra Commander asked as the ship hovered over an expensive looking building.
"It's a rather new establishment in the Hightown area," Mindbender waved. "But I've heard it's the place to see and be seen in Madripoor."
"Who would want to be seen in Madripoor?" Zartan grumbled.
"Zartan, Madripoor is practically the Aspen of Villainy," Cobra Commander told him. "Only you know? Without the snow. We'll make an entrance. Have some drinks. Do a little gambling."
"Ooh! Take some pictures!" Gary spoke up.
"Exactly!" Cobra Commander nodded. "This is where the world will truly know of the unstoppable alliance between Cobra and AIM!"
"In other words," Crystal Ball remarked. "You're doing some kind of PR stunt."
"Why not?" Cobra Commander snapped. "Everyone else in the world is doing one!"
"Your idea has much merit," MODOK thought.
"Trust me MODOK," Cobra Commander said. "After tonight the world will know of us!"
"That's what I'm afraid of," Zartan sighed. "Where do I park?"
"Oh, anywhere over there will be fine," Cobra Commander waved. "We don't want to use the valet. That will save a buck."
"Fine," Zartan sighed. He parked the spaceship right on top of a few fancy cars, crushing them.
"Everybody remember where we parked!" Cobra Commander called out.
Soon…
"What do you mean by we can't get a table?" Cobra Commander hissed at the Maître D' at the entrance. He was carrying Crystal Ball.
"I mean, sir," The very snooty Maître D' glared at Cobra Commander. "You do not have a reservation."
"Oh, here it is!" MODOK snapped his fingers. Gary and the remaining AIM scientists took out their blasters. Zartan and Mindbender took out theirs.
"Don't bother using weapons to intimidate me. I work for an organization that makes the Yakuza look like Boy Scouts," The Maître D' sniffed. "And my boss runs this island. As I once told Kanye West and the Kardashians, no reservations. No admittance."
"You turned down Kanye and the Kardashians?" MODOK was impressed. "Was Kim there?"
"Yes," The Maître D' told him. "They put up quite a fuss."
"Wow," Gary remarked. "You're good dude."
"Let me handle this," Crystal Ball spoke up. "Put me in his line of sight."
Cobra Commander did so. "Hi there," Crystal Ball's eyes glowed. "Look into my eyes."
"I don't think this will…" The Maître D' began before the ball started to glow. "Oooh…"
"Listen to my voice," Crystal Ball said seductively.
"Okay…" The Maître D's eyes widened.
"We do have a reservation," Crystal Ball told him. "At your best table."
"Of course, you do…" The hypnotized head waiter blinked as Crystal Ball's ball changed colors. "Right this way gentlemen…"
"Since when could you do that?" Cobra Commander asked as they followed the man.
"Pretty much always," Crystal Ball admitted. "I was Cobra's hypnosis expert remember?"
"Don't get any funny ideas about hypnotizing us!" Mindbender warned.
"I wouldn't worry about it if I were you," Crystal Ball told him as they went in. "You need to have a mind for me to brainwash it."
"You realize the only reason I don't leave you outside right now is because I may need you to cover us when the check comes," Cobra Commander warned.
"That was the plan," Crystal Ball said.
Everyone could feel eyes on them as they strutted into the opulent dining room adjacent to the casino. "I feel a tad underdressed," Mindbender admitted as he looked at all the well-dressed clientele.
"You never wear a shirt," Blood Wing told him. "How do you not feel like that all the time?"
"We probably should have brought our dress uniforms," An AIM scientist remarked.
"We're fine," Cobra Commander waved. "Let the people look at us and marvel!"
People whispered as the villains strutted to their table. "Is that MODOK?" A male voice whispered.
"What the hell is that loser doing here?" Another male voice whispered. "With that other loser in the stupid blue uniform!"
"That's Cobra Commander!" A woman whispered.
"That's Cobra Commander? Somehow I thought he'd be taller."
"I thought he was dead."
"I thought Cobra had disbanded years ago."
"I wish."
"What the hell are those two doing together?"
"They're both losers. I say like attracts like."
"I thought MODOK was trapped in some kind of portal or something."
"Apparently he got out."
"I guess they don't make dimensional portals like they used to."
"Why is that guy not wearing a shirt?"
"I know him! That's Dr. Mindbender! He owes me fifty bucks!"
"I wouldn't ask for it now if I were you."
"Right. Wouldn't want people thinking I associate with him."
"What's with that giant marble Cobra Commander's carrying?"
"It looks like somebody thought tonight was Halloween."
"If I wanted to see weirdoes I'd have gone to the Princess Bar."
"Oh God if this place is letting in riff raff like that, it's time to stop coming here."
"See how they all marvel at us?" Cobra Commander obviously didn't hear the words the people were murmuring.
"Over there!" MODOK waved. "I know that guy! That's Wilson Fisk! The Kingpin!"
Wilson Fisk was indeed at his table with several well-dressed people. "Oh, dear God no…" He groaned. "Who let them in?"
A well dressed Vietnamese man sitting next to him asked. "Do you know those people?"
"Mostly by reputation, General Coy," Fisk sighed. "If you can call it that."
"Hello Fisk," MODOK hovered over to the table. "I didn't expect to see you here."
"I could say the same about you, MODOK," Fisk sighed. "I thought you were still in that other dimension."
"I got out of that a year ago," MODOK told him.
"Oh," Fisk said casually.
"I wasn't even in that portal for longer than a few hours," MODOK added. "I would have gotten out of there sooner but I was just looking around. You know? Scouting the area to see if there were any souvenirs worth bringing back."
"I see," Fisk sighed.
"And by souvenirs, I mean weapons I could use," MODOK added. "Or precious metals. Or interesting life forms I could use for my experiments."
"Well I didn't think you meant snow globes," Fisk told him.
"Hey MODOK," Crystal Ball called out as the Cobras joined him. "Who's your friend?"
"Speaking of which…" Fisk did a double take.
"Just a ghost in a crystal ball," Cobra Commander told him. "He's cheaper and more reliable than a GPS system. I'm Cobra Commander. Leader of Cobra."
"I'm aware of who you are," Fisk said calmly. "And what you represent."
"Just what is that supposed to mean?" Cobra Commander hissed.
"Don't you think your cartoonish antics are a little old?" Fisk asked him. "I mean you've been trying to take over the world for how long now? At some point you need to cut your losses. Or at the very least come up with a plausible strategy."
"I have a strategy!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Really? Could have fooled me," General Coy snorted.
"Who's this?" MODOK looked at General Coy.
"This is General Coy the ruler of Madripoor," Fisk introduced.
"Ruler?" MODOK asked. "I thought Prince Baran was the ruler of Madripoor?"
"He was until I assassinated him," General Coy explained.
"Well that's one way to get ahead," Crystal Ball quipped. "And I should know. Badum. Bump."
General Coy sniffed. "I think you lot should leave. We are in the middle of some serious business negotiations and have no time for…Well, you."
"Hey don't be so glib General Coy!" Cobra Commander hissed. "I remember you from when you were just an easily bribed captain back in Vietnam!"
"What?" Fisk looked at General Coy.
"It was almost thirty years ago," General Coy was stunned. "How do you remember that?"
"Kind of hard to forget a guy you meet in the back alley of a brothel," Cobra Commander said in a snarky tone. "Wearing a pink cowboy outfit."
"It was supposed to be white!" General Coy shouted. "I'm telling you the cleaners messed it up!"
"Suuuuurree they did," Cobra Commander snorted. "You know Kingpin I was thinking of letting you in on our alliance. But now I'm thinking maybe MODOK and I don't want you in our group."
"You and MODOK are in an alliance?" Fisk asked. "For what?"
"To take over the world, obviously!" MODOK snapped.
"Taking over the world?" Fisk asked. "You?"
"Why do you say it like it's so hard to believe?" MODOK asked.
"Because I know you," Fisk looked at MODOK. "And I know about him."
"In a good way or a bad way?" MODOK asked.
"If you have to ask…" Mindbender sighed.
"I think we'll pass on your generous offer," Fisk told them.
"Fine!" Cobra Commander snapped. "But don't come crying to us when we take over the world and need someone to run the crime rings!"
"Yeah we can get someone else to do that!" MODOK asked.
"There are literally thousands of guys who are willing to step up and do the job," Cobra Commander snapped.
"I'll do it," Zartan spoke up.
"See?" Cobra Commander pointed. "Come on MODOK let's go to our table! We have a world to conquer and plot over. While eating dinner!"
"We can multitask!" MODOK sneered as they left.
Fisk sighed. "MODOK and Cobra Commander in an alliance. Oh yes. That will end well."
"Should I have my army chase them out?" General Coy asked.
"I'd have them on standby if I were you," Fisk cautioned. "That Mega Meatball Head is bad enough on his own. But Cobra Commander's reputation for insanity and unpredictability precedes him."
"In other words," General Coy remarked. "Those two deserve each other."
"The question is," Fisk's eyes narrowed. "How much damage are they going do to? And who will end up in the crossfire?"
"What a snob," Zartan snorted as they made their way to a large table.
"He thinks he's so much better than everyone else," MODOK grumbled as he moved his hover chair next to Cobra Commander.
"Forget him," Gary said. "Let's just eat."
"And drink," Cobra Commander added. "Get a waiter over here!"
"Bring a waiter," Crystal Ball ordered his victim. The Maître D' snapped his fingers and a waiter came over.
"Look waiter I'll make this very simple," Cobra Commander told him. "Give us several bottles of your finest champagne…"
"And a few bottles of mineral water," MODOK spoke up.
"And some bottles of mineral water," Cobra Commander added. "And give us about 10 of everything on the menu including appetizers and desserts and that will be fine. But start with the champagne! Lots of it!"
"And I'll have that waiter over there," Blood Wing pointed to another waiter nearby. "He looks good."
"Didn't you just eat?" MODOK asked.
"Yeah, but a lot of that blood was kind of burnt," Blood Wing explained. "I'll need something else to wash down my pallet. I'll be back in a bit." He left to corral the other waiter.
"More champagne for the rest of us," Cobra Commander shrugged as their waiter went to put the order in.
"Will that be all sir?" The Maître D' asked in a monotone voice.
"One more thing," Crystal Ball ordered. "Now spend the rest of the night clucking like a chicken."
"Very good sir," The Maître D' nodded. "BUCKAWWW! BUCKAWWW!" He strutted away flapping his arms.
Cobra Commander laughed. "That's funny."
"Yeah that never gets old," Crystal Ball snickered.
"I find that quite amusing as well," MODOK laughed. "I'll have to remember that trick when I brush up on my hypnotic powers."
"You have hypnotic powers too?" Crystal Ball asked.
"Yes," MODOK admitted. "I just don't use them very often. You know? Since most people do what I tell them to do anyway."
"Tonight, we shall celebrate the union of Cobra and AIM," Cobra Commander said as some waiters brought the drinks. "May chaos reign wherever we go!"
"I have a feeling that was going to happen already," Mindbender whispered to Zartan.
"BUCKAWWWWW!"
"Spot on, Mindbender," Zartan sighed as he took a drink.
"Cue the montage of crazy stuff!" Crystal Ball quipped.
And here we go…
Both Gary and Zartan were juggling knives at the table. "I didn't know they could do that," Mindbender remarked.
Gary slipped and one of his knives fell, hitting a waiter on the foot. "Sorry!" Gary apologized.
"Guess they both can't," An AIM soldier said.
MONTAGE!
"Okay," Cobra Commander spoke up and looked at the food laden table. "When I said everything on the menu, I was not aware they had Fire Lizard Steak smothered in Diablo sauce. Don't eat that. Trust me on this one."
"Why not?" An AIM scientist asked as he snacked on some under his mask. "It looks delcio…AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"
He started to writhe around in pain on the floor. "Well for starters it's one of the hottest foods on the planet," Cobra Commander remarked. "And secondly Fire Lizard Steak is made from the Poison Red Backed Iguana which is indigenous to Madripoor. Ninety percent of it's meat is toxic."
"Really?" MODOK asked.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"
"Yes," Cobra Commander nodded. "If that meat wasn't cut just right he'd be dead in about…"
"AAAGGGGH! URK!"
"Now," Cobra Commander looked at MODOK. "I told him not to do that. You heard me, right?"
"I heard you," MODOK sighed. "It's not your fault. Dave was always a hot dog."
"I warned him about that," Gary sighed.
"He did," MODOK agreed. "I heard you tell Dave plenty of times to slow down and think. But he never did."
"And he never will," Crystal Ball quipped.
"If only some of my people could die as easily as that," Cobra Commander sighed.
"How do you know about this dish?" MODOK asked.
"Oh, I've poisoned a few of my enemies this way," Cobra Commander waved. "And I tried to kill the Dreadnoks a few times with it. Turns out their stomachs have iron constitutions. And they like hot spices."
"Ah," MODOK nodded.
"Ironically my species doesn't have a problem with the toxins in the lizard," Cobra Commander shrugged. "But it's a bit too hot and it gives me gas."
"Have you tried Tums?" Gary asked.
MONTAGE!
"Has anyone seen our waiter?" A man at a table asked loudly.
"Last I saw him he was with that weird looking Mexican man," His female companion told him.
MONTAGE!
"What do you mean you're charging us with the removal of a body?" Cobra Commander shouted to a waiter. "You're the ones who made that defective Fire Lizard Steak! At the very least you should take it off our bill!"
MONTAGE!
"Now where is our waiter?" Another man grumbled.
The man sitting next to him remarked. "Last I saw he was headed towards the back with that strange looking Mexican."
MONTAGE!
"AAAHH!" A waiter screamed as a knife was lodged in his foot.
"How many times do I have to tell you guys?" MODOK yelled at his men. "No knife fights when we go out!"
"He started it!" Gary pointed to Zartan.
"Zartan!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"What?" Zartan asked. "It was a bet!"
"I'll bet they'll add this to the bill," Crystal Ball quipped.
"Like we're going to pay anyway," Zartan snickered.
MONTAGE!
"I'm missing two chorus girls!" The manager snapped at one of his men. "Where are they?"
"I saw them sneaking out back with some weird Mexican guy!" One of his men told him.
"Well find them!" The manager snapped. "And see if you can find some of the waiters while you're at it!"
MONTAGE!
"All right!" Cobra Commander, MODOK and the rest made their way to the roulette tables in a nearby room. "Let's do some gambling!"
"Commander," Zartan told him. "Didn't you learn anything from when you ran a casino?"
"Yes," Cobra Commander told him. "If you're going to bet, do it with someone else's money!"
"He ran a casino?" MODOK asked.
"Into the ground," Crystal Ball remarked. He was being carried by Mindbender. "Almost literally."
"What do you mean by using someone else's money?" Mindbender asked.
"The money we stole duh!" Cobra Commander waved as he took some gold coins from his pocket. "I'm feeling lucky!"
"I'm not," Zartan sighed.
"Relax Zartan," Cobra Commander waved. "MODOK your specialty is probabilities, right?"
"Yes," MODOK asked. "Oh, I get it! You want me to predict what numbers will come up!"
"Exactly," Cobra Commander told him. "Between the two of us we can't lose!"
MONTAGE!
"12 black," The croupier called out as he took the money and chips.
"I did not see that coming," MODOK blinked as he and Cobra Commander slumped at the roulette table.
"Really?" Crystal Ball remarked as Gary held him. "I did."
"How could you lose ten times in a row?" Zartan asked MODOK. "What happened to your probability thing?"
"I think it might be on the fritz," MODOK admitted. "What? Even super genius computer minds have an off night!"
"Well get it back off the fritz!" Cobra Commander snapped. "We'll keep betting."
"How?" Zartan asked. "You ran out of gold coins."
"Hang on," Cobra Commander realized. "Zartan run back to the ship and pick something up for me. I have it in the back."
"What?" MODOK asked.
MONTAGE!
"6 red!" The croupier called out. Instead of chips he pulled away a large golden bundle.
"Damn it," Cobra Commander groaned.
"This is just not our night," MODOK admitted. "Sorry my bad."
"You just gambled away the Golden Fleece?" Mindbender shouted.
"Oh, who cares?" Cobra Commander snapped. "That thing was scratchy anyway."
"Hey," MODOK saw someone. "Hang on. I know that guy over there. Otto! Otto Octavius!"
Nearby at a bar was none other than the infamous Dr. Otto 'The Octopus' Octavius. He was wearing a tuxedo and a large black coat to hide his tentacles. "Great…" He winced. "I come here to get away from the Spider. I run into the Talking Head."
"Otto Octavius," MODOK floated over with Cobra Commander and the others.
"That's Doctor Octavius," Dr. Octavius glared at MODOK.
"Guess it's not just Dr. Monica," Gary mused.
"Doc Ock this is Cobra Commander," MODOK introduced. "Leader of Cobra. We're in an alliance now to rule the world!"
"Good for you," Dr. Octavius groaned. "Now if you will excuse me…"
"Dr. Octavius," Mindbender presented himself. "I am Dr. Mindbender. It's good to finally meet another esteemed scientist like myself."
"I'm sorry," Dr. Octavius looked at Mindbender. "I have no idea who you are."
"I am the head scientist of Cobra," Mindbender explained.
"Isn't that like being the head cookie seller of the Girl Scouts?" Dr. Octavius asked. "Without the prestige?"
"Excuse me!" Mindbender bristled. "But I am a highly respected scientist."
"Since when?" Zartan asked.
"I am wanted in dozens of countries for my experiments and advancements in science," Mindbender added. "Which small minded fools do not understand."
"Who isn't?" Dr. Octavius added.
"I created a giant goat that terrorized Europe this year," Mindbender added. "Destroying many buildings and creating much mayhem."
"Really?" Dr. Octavius remarked. "That was you. I thought it was some hyperactive fifth grader who did that."
"I'm not saying it was one of my best experiments," Mindbender protested. "But you have to admit it got good results! It terrorized half of Europe!"
"So do the members of European Royalty over 80 when they're out driving," Dr. Octavius remarked. "What's your point?"
"Oh boy…" MODOK sighed as Mindbender and Dr. Octavius continued to bicker.
"Here we go," Cobra Commander agreed. "Scratch a mad scientist's ego and you get an assassin!"
"And people think we have egos," MODOK told him.
"Testify," Cobra Commander nodded.
"Seriously," Mindbender challenged Dr. Octavius. "What have you done besides wreck parts of New York every other month? You can't wreck another city for a change? Oh wait, that's what all the other super villains do there. Why be original?"
"I will not have my genius be questioned by a second-rate stooge!" Dr. Octavius shouted. "Who can't even figure out how to put a shirt on!"
"You wish you had abs this good!" Mindbender puffed out his chest. "Anybody can make robotic limbs to give them strength! This is ten minutes a day every day dedication baby!"
"Ten minutes a day?" Gary asked. "That's it?"
"Well I also eat right and do cardio," Mindbender added.
"And take steroids from the looks of it," Dr. Octavius sneered.
"Well at least my nemesis isn't a guy running around in a red and blue leotard!" Mindbender shouted.
"You have a nemesis?" Cobra Commander asked. "Who?"
"Uh Airtight from GI Joe for starters," Mindbender told him.
"Does he know that?" Crystal Ball asked.
"And I have several other scientists that I constantly debate with on Twitter!" Mindbender added. "And Words With Enemies!"
"You mean Words With Friends," Dr. Octavius looked annoyed.
"No. I mean Words With Enemies," Mindbender corrected. "It's on Villain Vibe."
"Nobody goes on that website anymore," Dr. Octavius snapped. "It's the AOL of villain chat groups!"
"I like AOL!" Mindbender snapped. "It's been a loyal e-mail address from the very beginning!"
"What a surprise that someone like you likes both," Dr. Octavius snapped. "Evil-Gram is where all the real super scientists and super villains go!"
"Really?" MODOK and Cobra Commander said at the same time.
"Okay we have to make an account on that site," MODOK told Cobra Commander.
"Sorry I'm late," Blood Wing walked up to them. "What did I miss?"
"A knife fight, one of the AIM guys died," Crystal Ball told him.
"Cobra Commander gambled away the Golden Fleece," Zartan added. "And now Mindbender is getting into a fight with Dr. Octopus."
"Who are you calling unoriginal Baldly?" Dr. Octavius shouted. "You look like an evil version of Mr. Clean!"
"I wouldn't be so proud of your hair if I were you," Mindbender challenged. "It looks like something one of my experiments coughed up!"
"Ooh thanks for warning me," Blood Wing winced. "We'd better move back."
"Yeah this is going to get messy very fast," Cobra Commander agreed. Most of the villains moved back. The other AIM scientists besides Gary stayed closer to watch the fight.
"Hang on I know who you are!" Dr. Octavius realized. "Aren't you that idiot that funds half his research projects from money stolen from laundromats?"
"There's a lot more money in laundromats than you think!" Mindbender snapped. "And I get free detergent!"
"What do you need that for?" Dr. Octavius shouted. "You barely wear any clothes as it is!"
"Yeah well at least I get away with my loot every single time!" Mindbender shouted. "Only an idiot robs banks nowadays! Seriously, half the superheroes that are out there stake those locations out for an easy score! No wonder you get busted every time you try that!"
"I am going to bust you!" Dr. Octavius threw off his coat and revealed his tentacles.
"Bring it!" Mindbender shouted as he pulled out a blaster.
"MAD SCIENTIST FIGHT!" Crystal Ball cheered.
People screamed and scattered as Mindbender blasted away with his weapon and Dr. Octavius threw chairs, tables and anything else he could throw at Mindbender. Including a very heavy marble statue.
Which landed on one of the AIM scientists. Killing him instantly. "This is why we get out of the way," Zartan remarked.
"Good call," Gary gulped.
"You pathetic fool!" Dr. Octavius shouted. "Do you really think a mere blaster can harm Doctor Octopus?"
"You're right," Mindbender put the blaster back in its holster. "What was I thinking? I should have used this from the start!" He pulled out what looked like a stick from his belt. Then a long beam of red light emerged from it.
"When did Mindbender make a lightsaber?" Zartan asked.
"Who cares?" Cobra Commander hissed as he made his way to a nearby craps table "Let's loot the joint!"
"Ooh! Good plan!" MODOK grinned. "Okay troops you…"
SMASH!
"Never mind," MODOK sighed as his other two AIM scientists were smashed by a giant table. "Gary! If you're still alive you just got Burt's office!"
"Sweet!" Gary said as he held Crystal Ball with one hand and grabbed some money left on a table with another.
"I knew I should have done this conference via video call!" Fisk groaned as he left the building.
"That's it!" General Coy screamed as they fled. "I'm calling in my army!"
"BUCKAWWWWW!"
"Why is the headwaiter clucking like a chicken?" General Coy shouted.
ZZZZZZZSSSOOOMMMMM!
"AAAAHHH!" Dr. Octavius screamed as one of his tentacles was lasered off. "YOU WILL PAY FOR THAT MINDBUNGLER!"
"Will you take a check?" Mindbender taunted. He barley missed tentacle. "WHOA! Okay! Now I'm going to use my super-secret weapon!" He pulled out a green vial from his belt.
"Uh oh…" Cobra Commander and Zartan both saw what it was.
"Now it's gonna get crazy!" Zartan gulped.
"What do you mean?" MODOK asked as he piled some money into a fur coat, using it like a bag. "How much crazier are we talking about?"
"GO EDDIE JUNIOR! GO!" Mindbender threw the vial so that it smashed right in front of Dr. Octavius.
"Ha! Your aim is pathetic!" Dr. Octavius sneered. "You missed!"
"Did I?" Mindbender smirked as the green fluid started to bubble and rise.
"What the…?" Dr. Octavius gasped as a giant blob started to rise in front of him. "If you think a pile of Jell-O is going to…"
He punched at it using one of his tentacles. But it got stuck. "I'm stuck!" Dr. Octavius screamed.
"You know I was going to save this other one for a special occasion…" Mindbender pulled out another vial. "Oh, what the hell? Eddie Juniors get lonely!" He threw another vial nearby.
"It's time to go," Cobra Commander told the others. "MINDBENDER COME ON!"
"Have fun with my little friends Doctor Octo-Wuss!" Mindbender cackled as he followed the others out of the casino.
"Well I've heard of Dine and Dash," Crystal Ball remarked as Gary carried him outside. "But never Dine and Smash."
"This was fun," Cobra Commander indicated his loot as they ran towards the spaceship. "It's one way to get money from the casino!"
"If you were stealing money from the casino," Mindbender realized. "Why didn't you just steal back the Golden Fleece?"
"Oops," Cobra Commander realized. "Never mind. It wasn't that important anyway."
"THE GOLDEN FLEECE ISN'T THAT IMPORTANT?" Zartan shouted.
"Well if it was, you would have stolen it back!" Cobra Commander shouted at Zartan.
Zartan blinked. "Point taken."
"Stop! HALT!" Several soldiers in familiar green uniforms shouted as they ran towards them.
"Time to go!" Cobra Commander shouted as they fled into the ship.
"Hey, is it just me…" Gary realized. "Or do those uniforms look familiar?"
"Oh, I forgot," MODOK realized. "Hydra runs this island."
"You couldn't have mentioned that earlier Herman's Oversized Head?" Zartan shouted.
"Never mind! Just get us airborne!" Cobra Commander told Zartan. "This actually works in our favor."
"HOW?" Zartan yelled as he piloted the ship into the air.
"We wanted to get back at Hydra, right?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Yeah so…?" MODOK asked. Then he realized where Cobra Commander was going with this. "Ohhh…Right."
"Just blow up a lot of buildings at random in the rich area," Cobra Commander ordered. "Don't bother with the poor section of town. If you're going to blow something up, blow up something your enemies will miss!"
"I'll man the lasers," Mindbender did so. "Should we start with the casino?"
"BLOOOOP! BLOOOP! BLOOP"
"Uh no…" Cobra Commander remarked as the blobs had gotten bigger and were now oozing out of the casino. The soldiers were firing on it with no luck. "I believe we've covered that rather well. Just blow up a lot of rich homes and other items."
"There's the palace over there," MODOK pointed.
"That will work," Cobra Commander remarked.
ZAAAP! ZAAP! ZAPP!
"Ah nothing is so relaxing as setting a palace on fire," Cobra Commander cackled. "Ooh! Some rich homes over there!"
"Why don't we loot some of them first?" Gary suggested.
"I don't think we have any time," Blood Wing remarked.
"What do you mean?" Gary asked.
BOOM! BOOM!
The spaceship rocked a little as the sounds of missiles exploding was heard. "I'm pretty sure those three Hydra jet fighters might make the schedule a little tight," Blood Wing quipped.
"Relax," Cobra Commander waved. "Our automatic shields kicked in. Zartan pilot this thing and Mindbender blow them up!"
"Three bogeys on our tail," Zartan called out.
"Well then take them out like I ordered you to!" Cobra Commander shouted.
"I'm working on it," Zartan snapped as he maneuvered the spaceship. "Mindbender your aim better have improved!"
ZAAAAP! ZAAP!
"How's that?" Mindbender snapped as he blew up one of the jets.
"Good," Zartan said as he piloted the ship. "Now get the other two!"
"Picky, picky, picky…" Mindbender grumbled. "Hold still I can't get a good aim!"
"If I hold still they'll get a great aim and shoot us!" Zartan shouted.
ZAAAP! ZAAAP!
"You just winged that one!" Zartan shouted.
"It's falling out of the sky isn't it?" Mindbender snapped.
CRASH!
"Oh look, it crashed right into the roof of that mansion," Crystal Ball quipped. "Two for one."
"There! I shot two down!" Mindbender snapped.
"So now shoot the last one!" Zartan shouted.
"You are never satisfied, are you?" Mindbender snapped.
"He did get two jets and a mansion," Gary pointed out.
"Thank you, Gary!" Mindbender shouted. "Is that so much to ask Zartan?"
"I'd like to ask you to focus on shooting that last jet!?" Zartan shouted.
ZAPP! ZAPP!
"You missed!" Zartan shouted.
"He moved," Mindbender told him.
"What did you think he was going to do?" Zartan shouted. "Fly still holding a sign saying Pretty please shoot me?"
"I am a scientist!" Mindbender snapped. "Not a soldier! The fact that I got two jets at all is impressive enough!"
"The only thing impressive about you," Zartan shot back. "Is the fact that your nipples never got frostbite and dropped off your chest!"
"You are the last person to complain to me about fashion!" Mindbender shouted. "At least I don't look like a Keith Richards impersonating a raccoon!"
"And people wonder why I drink," Cobra Commander sighed.
"Yeah, I can see why," MODOK admitted.
"Well at least I…" Zartan began.
"WILL YOU TWO BICKERING BIDDIES STOP GABBING AND START SHOOTING?" Cobra Commander screamed. "Or else I will shoot you both out of the airlock!"
"Yes Commander," Both Mindbender and Zartan gulped and complied.
ZAAP! ZAAP!
"Okay three jets destroyed," Cobra Commander said. "Hang on. Only three jets? Where are the rest of Hydra's aircraft?"
"Oh, I can answer that," Gary spoke up. "A few months back while AIM was still affiliated with Hydra we were supposed to make a new fleet of jets for Madripoor."
"Long story short," MODOK added. "We didn't get around to it before AIM and Hydra…parted ways. And since Hydra is going through some leadership issues and base location issues and manufacturing issues…"
"I think I can guess," Cobra Commander waved.
"I'm pretty sure we were one of those issues," Crystal Ball quipped.
"Doesn't Madripoor have some kind of manufacturing plant for aircraft?" Zartan asked.
"Not anymore," MODOK coughed. "That was one of the reasons we split from Hydra. Long story. Not important."
"Boy there was a lot of mayonnaise all over…" Gary began.
"I SAID NOT IMPORTANT GARY!" MODOK shouted. "Don't worry about it."
"Good," Cobra Commander shrugged. "Now let's finish blowing up the island."
"Rich shopping district at 12 O'clock!" Zartan called out.
"Actually, my watch says…" Gary began. "Oh wait, we're in a different time zone. Never mind."
"Blow it up!" Cobra Commander squealed with glee.
"With pleasure!" Mindbender fired the lasers. "See? I can hit this target!"
"Last I checked buildings don't fly!" Zartan groaned.
"Ooh a high-end business district!" MODOK laughed with glee. "Blow it up! Blow it up!"
"That building looks like a law firm," Blood Wing pointed.
"Start with that one!" Cobra Commander ordered.
"On it!" Mindbender said cheerfully as he blasted away. "And I'm going to blow up that office. And that one. And that one. And this big one on the corner…"
"Hang on," Cobra Commander paused. "I recognize that logo. That's an overseas headquarters for Sears. Leave it."
"Yeah that will collapse without any help from us," Zartan agreed.
"Just blow up a few more buildings and we can go," Cobra Commander told them.
"This is fun," MODOK admitted. "I haven't had this much fun in ages!"
"This is why I got into terrorism," Cobra Commander agreed. "We've had a good night. We've caused a few countries to go on high alert. Wrecked Madripoor. Had a good meal."
"I fought Doctor Octopus and won," Mindbender grinned.
"Technically the Eddie Juniors won the battle," Zartan told him.
"Burned down Baron Zemo's house," MODOK added. "And kicked Hydra in their crooked fangs!"
"I turned a waiter into a chicken," Crystal Ball said cheerfully.
"And I may have turned a lounge singer into a vampire like me," Blood Wing coughed.
"You did what now?" Zartan did a double take.
"Not important," Blood Wing waved. "Fifty-fifty shot she's just dead anyway."
"Either way, not my problem," Cobra Commander told him.
"And you lost the Golden Fleece," Mindbender added. "While gambling."
"It was overrated!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Honestly what the hell are you supposed to do with wool made of gold? Make the world's most expensive itchy sweater?"
"Destro's not going to be happy about this," Crystal Ball told him.
"Oh, who cares?" Cobra Commander snapped. "Destro is never happy about anything! Look we'll get something better. We'll steal something better!"
"What's better than the Golden Fleece?" MODOK asked.
"Well…" Zartan thought aloud.
Sometime later…
"Go! Go! Go!" Cobra Commander shouted as he carried several gaudy looking jumpsuits. They were running around in a stately mansion…Better known as Graceland.
"Okay for the record," Blood Wing snapped as he carried some objects. "Stealing jumpsuits and various objects owned by Elvis Presley does not replace the Golden Fleece!"
"King of Rock and Roll, you Vain Vampire," Cobra Commander told him. "If this doesn't give us street cred I don't know what will!"
MODOK was carrying some jumpsuits as well. "Okay pop culture heists are in. This is the sort of thing that AIM needs to…Gary? Gary, where are you?"
"Over here sir!" Gary was in another room taking pictures of himself next to a pink Cadillac.
"What are you doing?" MODOK asked.
"Taking pictures," Gary said. "Want to do a selfie next to the King's Pink Cadillac?"
"Just a couple quick ones," MODOK admitted. Gary did so quickly. "Hang on…I have a better idea…"
A short time later…
"Why the hell did you bring the car into the spaceship?" Cobra Commander asked MODOK. The pink Cadillac was on the bridge.
"What? There's plenty of room!" MODOK protested. "It was easy to put it in using my mental powers. Besides I wanted to get something nice for my wife."
"A gift never hurts," Zartan admitted. "Unless it's a live alligator."
"Well we've done a lot of damage tonight," Cobra Commander waved. "Unless there's something else you want to do MODOK?"
"I know we said no New York," MODOK remarked. "But there is one thing I always wanted to do…"
"What?" Cobra Commander asked.
"It's kind of stupid…" MODOK admitted.
"Stupider than us robbing Graceland?" Blood Wing asked. "You might as well tell us."
"Well…" MODOK rubbed his enormous head.
The following day…
"I can't believe how much trouble Cobra and AIM made in Madripoor," Captain America groaned as the Avengers' jet flew back from their latest mission.
"I can't believe those two groups haven't killed each other yet," Iron Man remarked as he flew the jet. "They're both led by huge egomaniacs!"
"I can't believe they're working together at all," Black Widow admitted. "But the images we got from the security camera and testimony from witnesses confirms it."
"Now we need to know what their plan is," Captain America nodded.
"What I'd like to know is what the heck were those blob things?" Hawkeye asked as he winced at the goo on his jacket.
"I'll analyze your jacket when we get back," Iron Man told him.
"At least we caught Dr. Octopus," Thor remarked as he pointed to the goo covered unconscious villain in shackles. "And recovered the Golden Fleece."
"Who gambles away the Golden Fleece?" Captain America asked.
The monitor crackled to life. "Nick Fury to Avengers. We have a situation."
"When don't we have a situation?" Hawkeye asked.
"Apparently Cobra and AIM haven't been slacking while you lot were responding to the situation in Madripoor," Fury told them.
"Oh, you mean besides trashing Madripoor, putting Russia and half of Asia on high alert, murdering people, arson, and gambling away the Golden Fleece?" Hawkeye asked sarcastically.
"Yes they…" Fury did a double take. "They did what with the Golden Fleece?"
"They gambled with it at a roulette table," Iron Man explained. "They lost it. At least that's the story the owner of the club told us. We recovered it along with Doctor Octopus, who apparently got into a fight with Dr. Mindbender."
Fury blinked. "Who gambles away the Golden Fleece? Never mind. Not important. I'm afraid there's more."
"What did they do now?" Iron Man sighed.
"For starters they robbed Graceland," Fury told them. "They got away with several sequined jumpsuits, gold records, jewelry, and a pink Cadillac. But that's not the worst of it."
"What do you mean that's not…?" Iron Man did a double take. "WHAT THE…?"
"Yeah…That," Fury sighed. "I was hoping to warn you before you saw it."
"Saw what?" Thor moved towards the cockpit. "What in the…?"
The entire Avenger's tower was covered in toilet paper. Also, blue graffiti lined the building saying things like COBRA RULES! AIM RULES! MODOK WAS HERE! COBRA COMMANDER KICKS ASP!
"How…?" Captain America began.
"Apparently, they robbed a nearby Costco," Fury sighed. "Then took advantage of when you went to deal with Madripoor."
"That spaceship Cobra has is so fast they could easily cross continents with little delay," Iron Man grumbled. "Meaning they could get away and pick another target while we're stuck with the cleanup."
"In this case," Black Widow groaned. "Literally."
"MODOK and Cobra Commander TP'd the Avengers Tower," Hawkeye groaned. "Now I have seen everything!"
"No, you haven't," Fury sighed. "Apparently they also tagged Trump Tower and the Empire State building."
Meanwhile across the city…
"THERE'S GOING TO BE A HUGE RECKONING ABOUT THIS!" The voice of Donald Trump was heard from his toilet paper/graffiti covered tower. "HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGG! I'M GONNA BUILD A WALL! A BIG BEAUTIFUL WALL!"