Cobra Persona: Ripper
"All right," Destro remarked. "I have to ask…How did you do that?"
He pointed to the teenage quadruplet dictator clones eagerly working on a tiki bar near a large indoor pool. "Simple," The Baroness remarked as she lay on a beach chair wearing a red bikini. "They are teenage hormonal idiots who have never seen a real woman before."
"She put them to work pretty quick," Crystal Ball was on a table with a pillow on it. "See? They shined up my ball really nice!"
"I didn't even know this level of our base had a pool," Destro looked around.
"It does now," The Baroness sighed. "I'm guessing you want to talk to me about something."
"You guess correctly," Destro nodded. "It's about the Commander's little Boys' Night Out party last night."
"Are you mad about the fact that they lost the Golden Fleece?" Crystal Ball asked.
"I'm more concerned about what we have yet to lose," Destro told them as he sat down on a nearby chair. "And not just because of the Commander's alcoholism."
"You mean our new alliance with AIM?" The Baroness asked.
"That too," Destro sighed. "I'm concerned with the Commander's plans, or more accurately the lack of them. His reckless behavior is going to get us all killed if we're not careful."
"Well we survived this far," The Baroness remarked as she looked at Crystal Ball "Most of us."
"Where is the commander anyway?" Destro asked.
"He's on the phone talking to his new best friend," The Baroness rolled her eyes.
"Like that will last," Crystal Ball scoffed.
"It's odd," Destro remarked. "Cobra Commander has never really shown any interest in making friends before."
"I guess it's because he's been hanging around you lot for so long," Crystal Ball paused. "Any new company is a step up."
CRASH!
"What is that noise?" Destro asked.
"The fully grown Dreadnoks are playing one of their stupid games again," The Baroness explained. "Apparently it involves throwing a hammer."
"You see my point, right?" Crystal Ball asked.
CRASH! SMASH!
"ALL RIGHT!" Torch was heard crowing. "I BROKE A WINDOW AND A DESK! THAT'S TWO HUNDRED POINTS BABY!"
"Sadly yes," Destro sighed.
"WILL YOU MORONS KEEP IT DOWN?" Cobra Commander shouted to the Dreadnoks as he walked into the pool area. "I'M HAVING A VERY IMPORTANT PHONE CALL! AND CLEAN UP THAT MESS!"
Indeed, Cobra Commander was on the phone. "Sorry MODOK, the Dreadnoks are being Dreadnoks again. Can you hear me now? Good."
Cobra Commander paused. "Look I understand your wife is concerned. I don't know why. She got a car out of last night. She should be happy. MODOK, MODOK relax. Believe me I get it. The way Destro nags me its almost like I'm married again. Only I've traded up from an emasculating she harpy."
"Tell her right now we're in the marketing phase," Cobra Commander explained. "We're showing the world our new alliance. Being mysterious and unpredictable. We'll go out, do a few more random attacks and robberies. Have our faces seen somewhere glamourous. Yada, yada, yada…Then once the world is in awe of our power…Then we'll launch a decisive strike!"
"In other words," Destro quipped. "He doesn't have a clue of what to do next."
"So, he's going to do random stupid things until he thinks of something," The Baroness sighed.
"Like a deranged fan fiction writer," Crystal Ball added.
"Excuse me a moment MODOK," Cobra Commander sighed. "The peons are acting up again. Oh, believe me I know. I'll call later. See you!"
He hung up the phone. "Do you mind?"
"No," Crystal Ball smirked. "We don't."
Cobra Commander looked around. "I don't remember having a pool on this level."
"It's new," Crystal Ball explained.
"Why are you so chummy with MODOK?" Destro asked.
"Because I think it's time I make new allies," Cobra Commander snapped. "In fact, it's way past time!"
"Well you do have a vampire that can change into a turkey now," Crystal Ball remarked. "He's new. Oh, wait I see your point…"
"Besides MODOK and I have a lot in common," Cobra Commander explained.
"Like what?" Destro asked.
"Oh, I don't know," Cobra Commander said sarcastically. "Like getting mutated by experiments. Dealing with subordinates who are constantly backstabbing you and think they're smarter than you are!"
CRASH!
"Having morons on our payroll," Cobra Commander sighed.
Suddenly there was a loud noise. The walls on the right opened revealing a large monitor. On screen were Vapor and Zero. "Hello and welcome to another episode of Cobra Persona!" Vapor said cheerfully.
"Speaking of morons…" Destro sighed.
"Oh right," The Baroness realized. "I ordered the boys to put a TV in here."
"I thought I ordered them to stop doing these?" Cobra Commander snapped.
"You did," Destro sighed. "This is something they already made, remember?"
"Not really," Cobra Commander admitted.
"Today we decided to feature the last member of the original Dreadnok trio: Ripper!" Zero said happily.
"Hello out there in TV Land!" Ripper waved.
"Why are they running this?" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Who knows? Who cares?" The Baroness grumbled.
"Okay your real name is Harry Nod and you're from Cape Grim, Tasmania," Vapor reported.
"Close," Ripper said proudly. "I'm from Grim Cape, Tasmania. We're right next door to Cape Grim. It's an honest mistake. Some people think we're the same town. But we were the sight of one of Tasmania's first prisons slash penal colonies! In fact, all me ancestors were murders, thieves, and tax dodgers that were kicked out of Australia!"
"You mean England," Vapor corrected.
"That too," Ripper shrugged. "See me ancestors were kicked out of England first. And then sent to the penal colony of Australia where they were too violent for that colony. Then they were shipped over to Tasmania."
"That explains a lot," Destro groaned.
"And you've always wanted to be a mercenary causing mayhem even at an early age, right?" Zero asked.
"Oh, I've always had a mean streak," Ripper said. "I was kicked out of Miss Tippers' Nursery School for running a candy extortion racket and aggravated assault."
"Let me guess," Vapor suggested. "One of the tykes you beat up ratted on you huh?"
"Oh, I didn't beat up my classmates," Ripper said. "I attacked Miss Tippers."
"I see," Zero remarked.
"Look," Ripper took out a picture from his wallet. "This here is my first mug shot. Wasn't I a cute little tyke?"
"Is that a pacifier your mouth?" Zero asked.
"Nope," Ripper said proudly. "That's Miss Tippers' ear!"
"Okay I'll say it…" Cobra Commander remarked. "Yikes!"
"Let's just say traditional schooling and I weren't exactly a good fit," Ripper went on. "In fact, I went into my first juvie stint while I was in first grade. For setting fire to the blackboard and stabbing the vice principal."
"We really need to hire some new people," The Baroness sighed.
"Tell us about your childhood," Vapor asked. "What was growing up in Grim Cape like?"
"I wouldn't know," Ripper shrugged. "I wasn't there very long."
"What?" Zero asked.
"Well my childhood was basically one stint in juvie after the other," Ripper admitted. "Lots of them. Every six months it seemed I moved from one joint to the other. So, I barely saw my parents or any family members. Except those times I ran into a cousin serving time at the same facility. Or one of 'em was in the same Scared Straight session I was sent to."
"I guess those Scared Straight programs didn't work," Vapor remarked.
"It did for the blokes that I was sent to," Ripper grinned. "I once shived five grown men and a couple of guards with a whittled candy bar."
"Candy bar?" Zero asked.
"It was one of them band candy bars," Ripper explained. "You know the kind you can break your teeth just looking at 'em? Ironically I broke quite a few bloke's teeth with it."
"Must have been hard for your family to be separated like that all the time," Zero remarked.
"Not really," Ripper nodded. "My brothers took over my room. They had more storage space when I was gone. And even more when I came home. And burned their stuff."
"Yikes," Vapor winced.
"Me parents decided to divorce me when I turned fifteen," Ripper went on. "And sent up the river for torching our neighbor's begonias. And his house. It was a mutual separation."
"You weren't mad?" Zero asked.
"Are you kidding?" Ripper asked. "It was the best birthday present I ever had. Plus, I got a hundred bucks a month in alimony so I'd stay away from my family. And custody of the family snake."
"I feel sorry for the snake," Destro remarked.
"Me too," Cobra Commander agreed.
"Was it hard spending most of your life in juvenile correction facilities?" Vapor asked.
"Oh no," Ripper waved. "Going to those places was like going to boarding school. Only I had a real education. They made me stronger, tougher and meaner."
"And smellier," The Baroness grumbled.
"Honestly based on my experience," Destro admitted. "There's not that much of a difference between some boarding schools and a juvenile correction facility. Okay we had better uniforms…"
"When I was seventeen I got out and the first thing I did was join a biker gang," Ripper went on. "By the time I was nineteen I'd been kicked out of twelve biker gangs for being too violent. Like none of them had the guts to burn down a police station. They were all talk."
"I see," Vapor nodded.
"By then I decided to make a name of myself doing the mercenary thing," Ripper went on. "Wouldn't you know it? My first job I joined up with this arms smuggling gang off the coast of Australia. Wouldn't you know it? My very first mission my idiot boss falls for a sting operation and I ended up in the pokey!"
"Oh dear," Zero remarked. "How long did you end up in jail?"
"Not that long actually," Ripper said. "Because that was the night I met Torch. He was picked up on a koala meat poaching charge and we ended up in the same cell. Well we hit it off right away. One thing led to another…One minor cell riot led to us escaping and hijacking a police car…Yada, yada, yada…Next thing I knew I was on the run with my new best mate."
"So that's when Hairy Met Smelly," The Baroness snorted. "Fitting."
"We knocked around Australia in the boonies for a few months," Ripper went on. "Committing a few crimes. Having a few laughs. Eating some lovely koala burgers. Avoiding the authorities. Soon we ended up being recruited by Zartan and the rest is history."
"Any chance in the future we can make these stupid shows history?" The Baroness sighed.
"Sure, if I can get those two into a cannon," Cobra Commander remarked. "And fire it into the sun."
"And now because you all wanted it!" Ripper grinned as he picked up two large rifles. "I'm gonna blow up the target range to the tune of Lady of Spain! Or as I like to call it, Lady of Pain!"
BOOOM! BOOOM! KABOOOM! BOOOM! BOOOM!
"Wow," Crystal Ball remarked as he watched the destruction. "That's a lot of firepower."
Cobra Commander looked at Destro. "You see now why I want to meet new people right?"
"Now I know," Destro sighed. "And knowing is a good reason to put an ad online."