A/N: After six hours of doing homework (boring homework, night I add) I am currently writing this part with the biggest headache in the world. College is so fun guys. Anywho, started my next quarter, doing my usual writing as always, dealing with mental health problems. So, things are going as they have always been going. Fun! (Also, we're getting into this next arc and I cannot wait for it. Get your safety blankets y'all.)
Reviews
Songmistle (Guest)- Please send help, I need the help XD. Just let me clone myself into three different people so one can focus on this story, another can do my RWBY fanfiction that's taking forever, and a third can do all the boring school stuff. That's a valid warning label, I'd probably wear that one too. Rainpaw's warning label though XD. RainxWind is so cute yet worrying to me. I can't let anyone catch a break. Accurate timeline there. Yeah, Nightpaw. Foxpaw was just another friend there. We'll just have to wait and see for a potential Windy-Gale meeting. Whiteshadow and Leafstar are "unofficial" mates (never actually confirmed it, and it's not like they actually can lol). Can I tell you a secret? (I actually don't have Leafstar's warrior name. Whoops. I'll get back to you on that… Nor Wildfire's mother's name. Turns out I don't have everyone planned, lol.) Swiftpaw died, was killed during the time Whiteshadow was Ghost, and Shard and him and Phantom were trying to kill the GR apprentices. Poor Sootblaze. Well, while they are good teammates, I will say they have a lot to work toward before they're unbeatable. Whiteshadow, I'd say, is an obvious one who could beat them. Redstar too. Generally those on that kind of level. That… is a lot of cats haha. And to avoid spoilers, I'll just say that it'll surprisingly be a close matchup as to those who want to keep it and those who would be okay with changing it (all the clans combined, not just Blazeclan btw). The side looking to keep things the same will have a few more numbers though. I will get back to you on a backstory chapter lol. Let me have a break with them since Mr. Redstar's was such a doozy. I am actually a certified silent reader, I don't really leave reviews or comments on anything I read (sadly, I'm too shy to do so, but I've gotten better). Impeccable means, according to Dr. Google; "of accordance to the highest standards of propriety; flawless, faultless." Ah right, my little hiatus. That wasn't fun. Can confirm all of those are on Team Flarepaw. Go team! It's okay, I still have to subconsciously correct myself sometimes. Since it's been so long since they've had this name (*cough* nearly 100 chapters what the hell *cough*)
Hissing Mist- Hooray for Brother Blue and raindrop reconciliation! (Hopefully.) Windy is always pining. Flarekitty was still dealing with the lingering (unnecessary) guilt with thinking she's ruined Thistlekit's life while also saving it. (And also cause kits kinda freak her out just a little.) Sadly, only in flashbacks, I'm afraid. Unless Redstar dies and I have a cutesy moment of them reuniting like that. We'll see. My favorite backstory is hands-down Redstar's just because of how unexpected it was for me. I didn't plan for it to be that long, for one, but I also didn't plan to grow that attached to the sad boi.
KyubiMaster9- I've learned about that too and I find it hilarious. I'd love for someone to tell him that too, I won't though. He'll be really mad. That's a lovely warning XD Very elaborate. I love it. Nah, you don't sound rude and it's become a tradition for me at this point to come up with a question. I'll be trucking on until the end for it. Hopefully. Might skip one or two, we'll see.
Spirefrost (Guest)- I will do my best to respond to every review I get (unless it's like from super early chapters). I'm glad you liked their names! Will we ever see Jinx/Ixora again? Might just have to wait and see :). Flarekitty is a smart little gal. Clever girl she is. Not not-as-depressed XD That's the best way to describe him. Watch out for sneaky ghostsy is the best warning sign for our spoopy boi haha.
Rainbow Badge (Guest)- You… Did you just figure out the code? Now that you put it into that perspective, they all make perfect sense XD Especially Forestclan with Leafstar as the tired mom. I've never watched the show either so I can't say if it is or not haha. Yeah, they're technically all adults by this point. Idk, cat ages are weird. If they were humans, I'd say they're early twenties, no older than 25, but that's a guess haha. I will say that the Stormclan ones are a little bit older (and by a little bit, I mean by a few days to a week at the most haha. Windpaw is the oldest of the bunch, actually). Meh, even if he is a legal adult, he would still be like that haha. I'm surprised somebody liked Hawkpaw so much since his only appearance was being absolutely tackled into a tree by our sweet blueberry. If Windy and Gale ever do meet (not saying they will, not saying they won't), I'm pretty sure she'd love him. She'd try to hate him, but he's such a sweetheart it's, like, wrong to hate someone like him. Must protect the little cinnamon roll. Raindrop and Flarekitty really gotta catch up on their TV shows XD. (Hmm, now you got me thinking about what Swiftpaw would have been like as an uncle… Probably bad.) I can confirm that yes, Ravenflight is in love with Swiftleaf. They both get a lot of teasing for it and they are terrible at keeping it a secret because they're just so obvious. I will say that I have never heard of the cognitive revolution before, so hey, you learn something new every day. Life is a lie, confirmed. I will say that human beings can do some wonderful things if they're united (which only happens sometimes, unfortunately). I know other animals, like orangutans and ravens or crows (I forgot which one), actively use and create tools as we do. (Ravens/Crows are often known for dropping, like, hard nuts from very high so they can get to the softer center to actually eat it. So if you see a random nut falling from the tree, it might be a bird trying to get some food.) Lilykit has too much power already XD. And that Lily person sounds… quite the character haha. Yeah, Sootblaze really needed that and it was a long time coming. I don't usually talk to my deceased family- as I don't often visit their graves and have never been particularly close to them before- but I know that helps a lot of people. 'Do not tap on glass or she will kill you' XD That one hurt my sides, thanks. Windpaw is indeed a brat, can confirm. All those are pretty accurate lol. Funky Fresh bros. Gotta make it happen now. Instead of a redemption arc, let's just start calling it funky fresh dude arcs XD. (Funny enough, 'he's buff and has a lot of pent-up anger issues' was my basis for Bramblepaw haha.) Oh geesh. If Bramblepaw had tackled Hawkpaw into a tree, Hawkpaw would have been obliterated completely XD. He'd die for sure, wiped from existence. Huh. I hate when you guys uno reverse me with my own questions. I'd have to say my warning label would be: 'Will ramble for hours about their story ideas. Ask at your own risk.' (I could literally talk about all my fanfiction or simple story ideas and whatnot forever unless someone stops me. I'm just an eager beaver sometimes, nobody usually asks me.) Glad you enjoyed!
reading at 3am is normal- Hey, it's all good, review whenever you have the time. Lol, trust me, whenever I first heard of RWBY, I thought it was pronounced that way too, but no. It's just pronounced like ruby. Oof, same. I normally hate crossover fics (no shame to those who write and/or enjoy it themselves, it's just not my cup of tea) and the only crossover fic to date that I've read was one between RWBY and Kingdom Hearts and that hasn't been updated in months, unfortunately. Love me those effed-up sibling relationships, they hurt so good XD. As for a potential Windpaw-Drippingpaw interaction, you'll have to wait and see. I just love hurting you guys and myself (and the characters) apparently. I don't think I'm okay lol. And get eaten or something XD That's the dream. Well… I don't think there's ever a moment that everyone is completely "healed" per se. They get better, they get stronger, they certainly "heal"- but they are still scarred and hurt in some way, shape, or form… Now that's just rude XD How dare you say that about Willowflame (why am I laughing?) Huh. I did not know that. They're practically the same word, why have two different ones? (English is weird.) Thanks for giving a question, I'll probably use it for the next chapter :). I would say that I'm… daylight. Mostly because I definitely get a lot done and I'm a lot more productive with everything during the day. Good question!
Thanks to everybody who reviewed!
Let's get started!
…
Blazeclan
…
"This is… a strange occurrence."
"Are you uncomfortable? We don't have to be here."
"No, no- Just…"
Sagepaw didn't finish, his ears flattened, clearly uncomfortable despite his denial. Flarepaw was okay with that, standing off to the side and giving him as comforting of a look as she could muster at the moment. She didn't really know if she succeeded or not.
Despite coming to terms with everything, despite accepting their deaths, despite saying goodbye, she thinks there was always going to be a sense of apprehension being here in the clearing of the dead willow tree. It still hurt, not as gut-wrenching as before, but the pain was… mild. A sting to her chest, an unpleasant clench to her stomach that made her squirm rather than make her want to throw up all of the grief and agony.
She could sit here for longer and imagine them with her and it was tolerable.
"I'm afraid to say that it'll never stop, but if you're lucky, you'll get used to it."
Had she reached that point yet?
It certainly felt like it.
"Just?" She asked quietly and Sagepaw let out a withering sigh, his body sagging as he glanced over at her, giving a nervous smile.
"It's not like you to share this place with others, is all. What changed?"
What changed? Everything did.
What didn't change?
"I had a lot of time to reflect," she gave a casual shrug, a sorrowful twitch to her lips as she saddled up beside him, casting her eyes over the graves like she's done a thousand times before. Flarepaw long since memorized their shape, the upturned dirt packed back into spaces filled with branches and undergrowth because their bodies were gone. Silver eyes turned back to her brother, "And I realized just how selfish I've been."
"Flarepaw…"
"I wasn't the only one who lost them," Flarepaw murmured in a quieter voice, her tail finding its way to her brother's. Both to comfort herself and to comfort him. She didn't look at him, but she could sense him looking at her with an astonished expression. "Yet everyone, including myself, prioritized my grief."
She turned a sad smile onto him and he grimaced. "You lost them too. And you've been so busy taking care of me and watching over me that… I feel like you never gave yourself time to grieve for them. And for that, I'm sorry."
Sagepaw looked like he wanted to run and never before had Flarepaw seen him with that expression. She had seen it enough times in her own reflection to recognize it, and for half a second, sage green eyes became silver and she couldn't breathe. But she held firm, unmoving. Her brother had been her devout protector, helping guide her onto the right path.
It was her turn to be his pillar of strength.
"You don't have to apologize," he mumbled after a long moment and it honestly surprised her that he didn't bolt then and there. She was half-expecting him to do so and didn't know whether to be impressed or shocked that he didn't. His smile reappeared, softer than before, losing some of his discomforts. "You're my sister, Flarepaw."
"And you are my brother," she cut in with a quieter voice, scooting just the slightest bit closer and making it known that her shoulder was there if he needed someone to lean on. "You are my brother, and you lost them too."
"I was never close to Flamepaw," Sagepaw chuckled, a hollow thing that she knew all too well. "I actually don't think he liked me if he ever found out we were related. I was just another Noble to him."
"He would have loved you."
"Would he?" Sagepaw raised a brow and Flarepaw blew out a steadying breath.
"He'd find it in himself to love you," her ears flattened, "Despite what Wildfire tried to make him be. He was just as much of a victim to father's ways as I was."
"He wasn't the one being hurt every day," her brother spoke with a rumble in his voice, eyes flashing with stewing anger, his body tensing beside her. She stiffened too, turning to face him directly and her heart stuttering to a momentary stop. Something like panic wrapped around her throat and her next exhale was sharp.
Her mouth opened before closing, a foul excuse of a smile to her lips.
As far as she remembered, she never told Sagepaw about that particular tidbit of information. Only Sootblaze. (She doubted Sootblaze would tell anyone else without her permission.)
"When did you find out about that?"
Silver met green and Sagepaw held her gaze quietly, his expression telling her everything she needed to know and she let out her own hollow chuckle.
"You knew the whole time..."
"I stumbled upon it once," his jaw clenched tighter and he looked about two seconds away from running again. But this time, running toward something instead of away- running toward Wildfire to tear his claws through him like father dearest had done Flarepaw. "I wanted to tell someone else… I wanted to tell mother-"
"Did you?" Flarepaw spoke breathlessly, the panic returning and strangling her fiercely. In complete honesty… she didn't know if she would have wanted him to or not.
The part of her molded by Wildfire and his sharp claws wanted to keep it a secret, his warnings flashing through her mind, and the other part crying for help wanted everything revealed and screaming Save me, Help me, Stop him.
But realistically speaking…
"No. I didn't."
If anyone had told Willowflame, then it would no longer have been a problem. Though her mother, for some star-forsaken reason, loved Wildfire- she would not have tolerated that whatsoever. She would have skinned him alive and sent him running the other way.
(She hated how the puppet side of her let out an involuntary sigh of relief.)
"I'm sorry, I should have-" Sagepaw immediately began to apologize and she shook her head.
"No. No, it's okay," she murmured and it only seemed to make him angrier, sadder. It was a strange mix of emotions in her brother's eyes.
"No. It's not," he said firmly and Flarepaw raised her eyes to him, letting out an amused breath because here he was again, making it all about her. Protecting her. Helping her.
"That's a conversation for another day," she said and there was a hint of a plea in her voice. Please, please let this go for now. Sagepaw looked like he was about to ignore it before she added, "That's not why we're here. Right now, it's about you."
He seemed to grow a little sheepish at that, turning his eyes down and grumbling, "I don't like talking about me."
"I'm very aware," Flarepaw huffed, settling back beside him. Sagepaw leaned into her side just as much as she did him and she wanted to roll her eyes at that. Even while she was trying to make it about him and his own emotions, trying to be his pillar of strength for once, he was still hers too. "Such a martyr you are. Always sacrificing everything for others."
"It's part of being a Noble," he let out a quiet laugh.
"Can you just let me help you for once?" She glanced at him pleadingly and he seemed to give in, letting out a heavy breath and leaning more of his weight into her. She held firm.
"If you're expecting me to cry, I'm not going to," he murmured, resting his head over hers, and she felt like rolling her eyes but resisted the temptation. Flarepaw listened carefully, feeling the way his flanks moved with every breath against hers, trying to find a stutter telling of grief. He smiled against the top of her head. "Believe it or not, I've done that enough too."
"On your own?" Flarepaw frowned to herself, "I'm sorry."
"Quit apologizing," his laugh was warm. "Are you forgetting Roseberry? She was there for me. As was Hollypaw."
"I should have been there for you."
"Flarepaw," Sagepaw's voice held a hint of a warning and she sighed soundlessly. "You're here now. That's all that matters."
"Is it?"
"Yes," he stressed and his voice became just a tad bit tighter. There, she felt his breath stutter and did her best to remain motionless and not try to look at his face. Maybe he was crying indeed, just quietly. "You were very close to leaving. I was scared I would lose you too."
Right. In her grief, she could not find the will to keep going, slowly withering away and just waiting for the next stray breeze to sweep her to the stars. Flarepaw wondered what she would say to herself if she was given the chance.
Hold on.
It gets better.
You just have to hold on for a little longer.
"I'm here now," she whispered, a confirmation, a promise, and she heard the hitch in his breath this time. His shoulder pressed against hers was stiff, muscles tight, and he nuzzled into the top of her head without a word. "Do you miss them?"
"Very much so," his voice was low, quiet, so as to try and silence the warble in his words. She noticed it; little imperfections, they were. Beautiful. "Though I didn't speak with Flamepaw much, I think I would have liked to get to know him as I do you. And mother…"
"She loved you very much," Flarepaw said, no hint of doubt in her statement. "If it had been her choice, she would have kept all of us together."
"I know," he nodded against her, his chin brushing against her head. "She talked to me whenever she could, watched over me from afar. I know she loved me."
It settled something within her, those words. She often wondered what her life would have been like if they had all just been together. Three siblings raised together, three Royals.
It felt like she had missed out on so much time with her brother, being raised separately, and Flarepaw knew there were not enough days and not enough hours and not enough seasons to make up for it. Especially not when the ranking system itself sought to keep them apart.
The clan was always trying to isolate her. Put her on a pedestal all her own when all she wanted was to be surrounded by those she loved and who loved her.
(It was cold on top of the pedestal. She wondered how Redstar wasn't frozen by now.)
"Flarepaw…"
"Hmm?"
Sagepaw didn't speak up immediately, his weight shifting partially away from her and she thought that as permission enough to look at his face now. Indeed, he had been crying, his eyes were a little redder than before.
She ignored it. He did too.
"Do you… Do you still blame yourself for it?"
"There you go again, trying to make it about me."
"I've done my grieving already," he spoke in a surprisingly stern voice, his eyes turning away from her and to the graves for a long moment. "Even before they passed, I grieved for them every day. I grieve for you even now."
"I'm not dying any time soon," Flarepaw wrinkled her nose and Sagepaw looked back at her. She shivered beneath his stare, his eyes glinting with long-lived sorrow.
"I do hope you're right," he murmured before clearing his throat, "but answer my question."
"Must I?" She tried to brush it off with a huff, but Sagepaw would not let her.
"Just based on your deflecting, I think I already have my answer," she could hear the frown in his voice and Flarepaw really didn't want to turn and meet it. But he stared at her quietly and the silence was becoming just a bit too uncomfortable for her, so she gave in.
Silver met green and it was an expression she had been on the receiving end of one too many times already.
"Don't," she cut him off before he could even speak, his mouth opening but no sound coming out of it. Her eyes narrowed, "I already know what you're going to say, and you already know what I'll respond with. Do we really have to do this again right now?"
"I just want to understand why, Flarepaw," he glowered. "Unless you have magical powers to control a storm, need I remind you that you were not the one who started the fire. And you were not the one to tell them to go after you."
"So, we are doing this again," Flarepaw sighed, sitting up straighter and turning to face him with a suffering smile. "Alright then. I wasn't prepared, but let's pick up where we left off, hmm?"
"Flarepaw," his voice came out softer and she immediately knew this route was going to go in a different direction for once. She hesitated, not prepared whatsoever, before he said, "You told me once upon a time that you argued with Flamepaw, and that's why you weren't with him when it started-"
"Sagepaw, stop."
"I just want to know what it was about."
"There's something called privacy."
"With any luck," he continued, unperturbed, his gaze oh so gentle as always. "I can help you understand that this isn't on you."
It was Flarepaw's turn to feel like she wanted to run, and she could not remember the last time she ever felt that in regards to these matters. She shuffled the weight on her paws, instinctively prepared to get up and sprint, but she bitterly remained in her spot and let out a shuddering, forceful sigh. Her eyes turned away from Sagepaw and toward the graves once more, specifically the one designated for their lost brother.
Perhaps her main reason for her guilt. On top of being useless and not moving whatsoever in those moments, forcing them to slow down and forcing her mother to have to carry her, the reason that led her to even being there was worse.
Flamepaw and her had been inseparable.
The rest of the clan, and even Stormclan and Forestclan, saw them as joined at the hip. Virtual twins that were both fierce combatants, an unstoppable duo. Rumors had claimed that if it came down to it, they would both become the next leaders of Blazeclan because no one could decide who was better.
They worked best together.
An unbeatable pair.
Brother and sister.
Flamepaw and Flarepaw.
(She hadn't just lost her brother. She lost her partner too.)
Their closeness wasn't entirely just rumors either. She loved her brother and he loved her as much as they were allowed to, Wildfire always making sure to keep some wedge between them because he was supposed to be superior and she was just there to make him look better. But despite what their father wanted them to be, they made something of their own out of it.
Flamepaw was her other half. Not entirely her better half, but just… another part of her.
He was there to help clean up her wounds left behind by wicked claws.
She was there to give him a shoulder to lean on when the expectations became too high and burning dark amber brimmed with disappointment.
Flamepaw would hold her through her tears, whisper comforting words, give encouragement and tell her just how strong she was. Strong, he always called her strong- and you just have to hold on, it'll get better. I promise.
Flarepaw would give him pointers, training him to actually be better so he could beat her fair and square instead of giving him the win. She made him better, helped him grow stronger, and teased him playfully that one day, you'll be stronger than me.
"And when that day comes, I will protect you, sis."
"You just have to hold on, it'll get better. I promise it'll get better."
You just have to hold on.
You just have to hold on.
You just have to-
(Her tears were nigh hysterical this time, the tang of copper a permanent taste in her mouth, and she was tired tired tired of this.
"I can't do this anymore," she said through her gasps, looking at her brother's tri-colored eyes and begging for help. "Flamepaw, I can't keep doing this. I can't keep going about my day like every step doesn't hurt because of him. I can't keep- I can't do this. I have to tell someone. I have to..."
"You can't," Flamepaw murmured as soothingly as he could, "You can't. Keep it down, you can't let anyone know."
"Why not?!" She didn't know why she wasn't listening. She always listened to Flamepaw. He was always right, he was always doing the best thing to protect her. Just hold on, hold on. "Why shouldn't I? Let the whole clan know what he does to me! What their favorite Royal does to his own daughter!"
"Flarepaw," her brother's voice took on one of warning, and normally it was enough to get her to stop. To calm her down. These days were more common, the pain becoming too much to bear, the taste of blood in her mouth revolting. "You can't. I know it hurts, but you just have to hold on a little longer. I promise it's gonna be better. I'm getting stronger, I'm almost strong enough now. Things are going to change soon. Just please, please I need you to trust me. Just hold on."
This was the part where she was supposed to say, "I trust you," and then he would let her fall apart, holding all of her pieces together so none of them were lost.
But she was tired. Tired of the pain, tired of keeping her mouth shut, tired of walking it off.
"You will never be strong enough," she bit out, and it was her first mistake. She saw the way he flinched, the way his eyes widened, and the sheer horror in grey and green and amber. Her entire being was telling her to stop, but she was done done done. "You will never be able to beat him because all you know how to do is follow what he tells you to do. You're too weak to stand up against him!"
"Flarepaw…" he murmured, aghast, breathless. "You… You don't really mean that… You don't-"
"I'm not going to keep relying on you for this," her voice quivered, her tears stopping, the taste of blood vanishing. "Not on someone who just watches it happen and tells me to suck it up. Just hold on. You don't know what it's like!"
Silver met his disbelieving gaze and she scowled, "You're scared of him."
"I am not." It was the first sign of self-defense, his eyes narrowing, teeth gritting together. "I am not. We will beat him together, I know it. We just have to wait for-"
"I'm tired of waiting!" she snapped back, cutting him off, and it was her second mistake. Flamepaw didn't like being interrupted. Just another thing he learned from father. How couldn't she see just how alike they were? "You say just hold on, just hold on- Tomorrow will be better. But tomorrow comes again and again and again and it doesn't get better, Flamepaw! He's not going to stop and at this rate- at this rate, I'd prefer him just to kill me."
"I won't let him hurt you..."
"You already do!" Her third and final mistake. "He's always hurting me and you just watch and let it happen and tell me to wait- I can't wait anymore for your special plan!"
"Damn it, Flarepaw, just trust me!" He snarled, "Stop being so weak!"
Weak. Weak, weak, weak- It echoed in her mind, and she…
She grew furious.
"Weak," she breathed out and shook her head in disbelief. "I am not weak."
"That's what you sound like whining to me all the time," he hissed, took a step forward, and she held her ground and it felt so good to hold her ground. She was always cowering, always stepping back, always giving him the path she had worked so hard for on her own. Always him, always him, always him.
When was it her turn?
"You're one to talk about whining," her voice came out rough, a dangerous and low tone. "Always complaining to me about not meeting daddy's expectations, failing to be the perfect son he wants you to be. Forcing me to give up everything just so you can shine."
"I have earned my place," Flamepaw's voice was equally as dangerous. There was no need for shouting anymore and that… That was a tragedy. "I will show everyone. And you- you can stand beside me. I am not your enemy, Flarepaw, it's only ever been him."
It almost worked, his attempt at calming her down. But today… Oh, today?
She was done.
"Say that again when you aren't his little puppet, Flamepaw."
It happened so fast...
His paw smacking across her face.
She stumbled back, more in shock than in actual pain, and he looked equally as surprised as she was at what he did. He glanced down at his paw and back to her, back to his paw and back to her, over and over, his mind failing to connect the dots.
"I… I'm-"
She didn't let him finish.
She hit him back. Purposeful, where his might have been accidental. But how is it an accident to hit someone?
He stumbled as well, definitely in actual pain, and he grimaced, looking back at her with a tinge of blood dripping down his cheek. Silver blazed with a rumbling storm and she was done. The sky, too, was beginning to brew with a storm of its own and she wondered whose was fiercer.
"Don't you ever hit me again," Flarepaw snarled each word slow, purposeful, and he almost looked afraid. This felt a lot like practice, putting Wildfire in Flamepaw's place between each blink of her eyes, every beat of her heart.
She hated how right it felt. It felt a lot like betrayal.
Perhaps that's why she ran.)
"Do you want to take a wild guess?"
Her eyes turned back to face him, stomach twisting in an agonizingly familiar way and she lamented that it was back. She thought she had been over this stage at least. But apparently, grief and guilt came in pulses, every other beat of her heart.
Maybe she had gotten used to it, but that didn't mean it was gone.
"Wildfire…" Sagepaw breathed out in understanding, his ears falling flat and a scowl pulling at his lips. "Of course."
"That's the big surprise," she gave a tight smile and Sagepaw looked at her so sadly. She clenched her teeth and shook her head. "But yeah. Of course, it was about him. It's always about him, isn't it?"
"So it seems," her brother grumbled before he stiffened, his eyes narrowing from over her shoulder and Flarepaw closed her eyes, already preparing for his voice.
"I'm flattered."
No amount of preparation ever made it any easier.
She let out a sharp laugh, a ragged inhale that hurt her throat before she shifted around to better face the tom in question. Honestly, she was a bit impressed.
"Do you just have a radar that tells you whenever I'm talking about you?"
Wildfire let out a chuckle and she hated how it sounded so similar to theirs moments ago. Hollow, void of amusement. He sat a respectable- surprisingly- distance away from the pair, his eyes trained on them and adamantly refusing to look in the direction of the tree. His gaze roved over her form and she shifted around to better face him, squaring her shoulders and standing as tall as ever, Sagepaw moving to stand half in front of her to block their father's view.
"What do you want this time?" She sighed, tired. "Do you ever get bored of following me? Don't you have anything better to do with your spare time, father dearest? You should pick up a hobby, something to do."
He didn't rise to take the bait and it unnerved her that he didn't, his head simply tilting to the side with his silent observations.
"You aren't welcomed here," Sagepaw's voice came out in a low growl and she wondered if he was just as protective of this place as she was. "Leave."
Wildfire did rise to the bait this time, his lip curling as he turned his eyes momentarily to her brother and she froze. It was her turn to step forward, to stand to protect him, and though Sagepaw didn't entirely like that, he made no move to stop her either.
"A Noble telling me what to do," he scoffed, "A disgrace at that. The unwanted one."
"Do not talk about him like that," she took a few steps forward, an aggressive act as clear as day, her claws sliding free and her teeth baring. "You don't get to talk about him like that."
"Ah," Wildfire simply said, and when their eyes met, she had a terrible feeling she had done something wrong. His scowl shifted into a smile, wicked at the edges and scornful as ever, and dark amber shined as though he knew something she didn't. "You helped me with my problem."
"What?" Flarepaw recoiled, her ears falling flat and some of the fight leaving her system, dread taking its place.
"I fight for myself," he recounted with a curious expression, "Is that not what you told me before?"
"What do you have left to fight for?" It was Wildfire's turn to laugh incredulously, face morphed into ugly disbelief. "Who do you still fight for?"
"Myself," Flarepaw said and thunder bellowed in her chest. "I fight for myself."
The storm was breaking and the inferno raged brighter, louder than her.
Wildfire let out an amused cackle before standing up from his place, delight morphing his features into something terrifying to her eyes. His eyes screamed victory and she wondered when they would stop screeching that. When it would be her turn.
"Oh, Flarepaw," he mused and he almost sounded sorry for her. "If only that were actually true."
She remained frozen in her place as his eyes moved languidly over to Sagepaw. Her brother, the martyr, standing firm at her side and undaunted. Unaware. He wasn't as well-versed at these games as she was.
Sagepaw.
It seemed Wildfire had chosen a new target. Sootblaze, he beat. Darkpaw, he beat. The Commoners. And in his quest to get her to stop…
He was going to go after everyone she loved first.
She wanted to snap at him, to make her own threats, but her tongue would not move and that felt a lot like failure. Protect, protect, protect- She had to protect her brother.
"You want to keep playing this game?" His grin grew, malicious, a purr in his voice, "Then let's play."
"You are not going to hurt him," she finally figured out how to form language again, spurred on by that annoyingly victorious grin. "You will not-"
"Oh, I know," his whiskers twitched with amusement before he suddenly turned to walk off, speaking over his shoulder. "I can assure you, I'm not going to hurt him."
But something will.
Though perhaps not orchestrating the rogue attack, Wildfire had used it to his advantage to urging on the deaths of Thornblaze and Mousepaw. Two cats who had been helping to keep Sootblaze together, to keep him fighting. Her father had made the final cut on them.
She had little doubt that he'd take advantage of every available opportunity.
"Flarepaw-" The wind was knocked out of him as she turned and pulled him into a fierce embrace, pressing her ear over his heart and memorizing its rhythm. Sagepaw wordlessly returned the hug, casting his gaze over to their disappearing father until he was long gone and continuing to keep an eye out regardless. "Flarepaw?"
"Nothing's going to hurt you," she murmured into his chest, speaking directly to his heart, and she vowed, "I swear, I will protect you."
Sagepaw had spent his entire life protecting her.
And as his sister…
It was her turn to do the same.
She had failed with Flamepaw.
She had failed with Darkpaw.
She was not going to fail again.
…
Stormclan
…
Rainpaw was a coward.
Nothing new.
Her attempts to actually look for Bluepaw to speak with him were weak at best. It helped that he had been busy with his own training and whatnot- speaking of, she really missed out on a lot of sessions herself- but even then, she didn't make the best of efforts to do so. (Not that he seemed to either…)
She was scared, honestly.
Not just of him. Of everything, it seemed.
"What if that's what it takes?"
"There's more to winning than killing everybody… How is it winning if you lose yourself in the process?"
Windpaw's words echoed in her ear, driving her a little crazy. Normally, Rainpaw enjoyed reminiscing and hearing those echoes of her love, but right now, she'd rather do without them.
"How is it winning if you lose yourself in the process?"
It's not. It's not winning.
You fight, you kill, you lose yourself.
You fight, you die, you lose yourself.
You fight, you surrender, no one wins.
How does someone win then?
Isn't it victory when you're the last one standing?
But it's not me.
This isn't me.
Was it not?
She didn't know anymore. Rainpaw was so terribly confused and so incredibly scared because she didn't know anymore. It felt like she was living a lie because whoever this was wasn't the same one as before. What comes after a monster?
Another monster?
Or an angel?
(Help me! Save me! I can't-)
"Ah. Here you are."
Her body stiffened, the small puddle beneath her paws- a patch of ice melting away and leaving behind a chilling pool- keeping her grounded when she felt so windswept. It probably wasn't safe for her to be in water like this for so long, especially in the cold, and when she turned to meet her brother's dark green gaze, she could tell he wanted to say as much. Worried as ever, even now, and it surprised her.
His mouth opened, probably to tell her to get out of the freezing water, but his eyes met hers and he seemed to remember where they were. Who they were. Who she was.
How long had it been since she revealed her true colors to him and the rest of the clan?
It felt like it's been forever. She can't remember anymore.
(Time was unimportant to a monster.)
She didn't respond to his words, simply shifting around to better face him and remembering how to get her paws moving again. They felt numb, but the gentle lapping of the water was calming her down a bit and making it difficult for her to run.
She couldn't run if she couldn't feel her paws, right?
"You… wanted to speak to me?" Rainpaw murmured after a moment, hesitant, and Bluepaw took in a slow breath at her voice. It nearly looked like he regretted it all together. If he left now, she probably wouldn't blame him.
"I did," he nodded and grew quiet and the air between them quickly became awkward. She wanted to laugh at just how strange it all was.
Bluepaw was always someone who she could talk to, and now, neither of them knew what to say. Bluepaw was always someone she could count on, and now… Now, she had no idea where they stood.
Bluepaw was always there for her, and now…
He's here.
Look. Right in front of you.
(But he wasn't! He wasn't there for you, he left you! Abandoned you when you needed him most! He was scared of you! He-)
"I'm sorry."
At first, Rainpaw thought it was her who had spoken, but the voice that filtered through the air most definitely didn't belong to her. She blinked in something like surprise before she took in a slow breath, tilting her head up from where she had been staring at her distorted expression in the water beneath her.
Bluepaw was still standing a reasonable distance away from her, but he looked like he so desperately wanted to get closer to her. His eyes were clouded with remorse and it took a lot longer than it really should have for her to realize there were tears in them. A subtle shine over dark green.
What?
Tears?
For me?
That was strange.
She didn't expect anybody to cry over her.
"I… Huh?" Rainpaw didn't know what to do with an apology. It was… weird. (But nice, and she noticed her next breath was significantly easier to take than the previous one.)
Bluepaw let out a heavy sigh and it felt like she said something wrong- again- but he simply shook his head and lifted his eyes back to her. His tears didn't fall, but they were there, noticeable. She didn't really know how to react.
Bluepaw wasn't exactly someone who cried all the time.
"I wasn't there for you," he spoke up in a tight voice and it was so startling to hear that she just… sat there. Staring. Not entirely sure if she was just dreaming these things. (Her dreams hadn't been so pleasant as of late.) "When everything happened with the rogues and you… I wasn't there. I should have been there, especially with everyone turning their back on you. I… I'm your brother. You're my sister, I should have-" He sucked in a sharp breath and growled, irritated at no one but himself. "I should have been there for you."
"You were scared," she found herself murmuring and didn't entirely know if her words were intentional or not. Something softened within her, her body sagging with relief, and her chest felt lighter. (She could breathe again.) "You were scared of me. I get it. I was scared of me too."
I still am.
Scared of someone she didn't know anymore.
Her words were meant to be comforting, but they only seemed to make Bluepaw look even guiltier and he took half a step forward before pausing. He cleared his throat, forcing himself to remain, and Rainpaw sent him a smile that was partly sad and partly bitter. She knew that look he was sending her all too well.
She saw it in her reflection.
"And you're still scared of me."
It was true. Everyone was scared of her.
A monster only brought forth fears and lies.
("I love you," Windpaw had said and Rainpaw could not believe her. She couldn't. She shouldn't.)
"I'm not," he said and she was right. Fears and lies.
Her chest warmed unpleasantly and a chuckle slipped past her lips, seeming to unsettle him for a bit before she swallowed it back down. She turned her eye down to her muddled reflection and felt her lips pull into a scowl. The cobwebs were still a strange sight for her to see despite how long she's been staring at her own reflection.
Stranger, stranger, stranger.
"Yeah, you are," Rainpaw's voice quivered and she refused to look back at him. Refused to face such lies head-on. She was tired of it. Beneath the surface of the water, her claws dug into the wet earth for something to hang onto. An unstable perch. Stranger, stranger- "You're afraid that I'm not the same sister you knew. And your fears are right. I'm not the same- I don't remember who she was, but she's certainly not here anymore."
She left. Abandoned her to the throes of the beast.
Rainpaw was gone. (Rainkit was gone.)
If only she could leave everything behind too. Her eye closed and she faced the darkness and the monster within it. It felt a lot like looking at her reflection.
Perhaps even better than looking at her reflection. In her reflection, she saw a stranger, but with this- she knew what she was looking at.
A monster. (Herself.)
"I don't need you to be the same sister."
His voice surprised her, and as she lifted her gaze back up, she was more than a little shocked to still see him there. Closer, in fact, and Rainpaw didn't know how she missed his approaching pawsteps. With the little ditch she was sitting in, Bluepaw was a little higher than her, and the smile he sent was so alarmingly warm it made her uncomfortable.
"I don't expect you to be the same," Bluepaw continued when she didn't respond, his eyes trailing over her form, over the cobwebs on her face, and he sighed his sympathy into the air. "Not after everything you've been through. Not just with this recent expedition- but even before. The first time you were…"
He took another step closer and she was frozen in place. Rainpaw felt like glancing down to see if the water had turned back to ice, but as she shifted a bit, she could feel the cool liquid lapping around her legs and haunches. Comforting. Familiar. Safe safe safe.
Another, and he was right at the edge of the small pool, infinitely closer, his scent of berries and cedarwood and fresh dew wafting around her and making her throat tighten and she didn't know why she suddenly felt like crying. Wasn't she done crying?
"You've changed. You've been so hurt so much," a flash of anger darkened the green of his eyes, and at that moment, she wondered if he would tear the world apart for what it did to her. "And I couldn't do anything. And the moment you needed me most, I wasn't there for you. So, I'm sorry. I'm here now."
"Why…" she breathed out in sheer disbelief, confusion. The monster, too, was confused. Not entirely knowing what to do with this. She thought he was lying but… but he didn't look like he was. Anger, she and the monster knew. Bluepaw was angry, but not at her. At himself. At the world. Anger she understood, anger she could believe. (Love… She couldn't.) "Why do you… I don't understand."
"Don't understand what?" Bluepaw shuffled his paws and the action was so damn familiar it made her quiver. It made her nervous. Because she was a stranger and none of these things should be familiar.
(He's lying. He must be… Right?)
(The light grew brighter, the monster rearing away, and the chains around it grew tighter, tighter, tighter. She wondered if it was suffocating by now- and she felt sorry for it.)
"You're scared of me," she murmured and her words sounded hollow. "You've seen me kill, you know that a part of me enjoys it, you know I can't control myself… So why are you apologizing? Why are you…"
Why do you still want me?
"Because you're my sister, silly," Bluepaw let out a breathy laugh, his smile soothing even while the tears fell from his eyes. "And I'm always going to love you, no matter what."
"No matter what?" she repeated, her eyes glinting in a challenge, and the words were spilling from her mouth before she could comprehend what she was doing; "Twist, Amber, Oak, Marsh, Venom, Dapple… Quill, Sky, Smoke, Bristle, Flint, Blink. Leo, Sun, Sora, Umbra."
"I don't understand…"
Of course not. Of course, he wouldn't.
She took in a sharp breath, coming up for air for the first time, and it never tasted sweeter.
"That's everyone I've ever killed," Rainpaw spoke as evenly as she could, feeling so detached at this moment. "I could tell you how I did it too."
"You remember them?" Bluepaw's eyes widened and she couldn't entirely read his expression. Was he scared again? Was he betrayed? Was he mortified? (Sympathetic?)
"I like remembering sometimes." A half-truth. While a part of her did enjoy looking back at each one, the larger part only cowered with each memory. Her vision focused back on his face and she sent a semblance of a smile full of bared teeth and she had no idea why she was trying so hard to chase him away. "How about now? Do you still love me?"
"Oh, Rainpaw…" His voice was soft and for some reason, it scared her. She was afraid of sympathy, afraid of love, afraid of forgiveness. He shook his head to himself and it almost sounded like he wanted to whimper. "What has the world put you through?"
For some reason, his words made her chest crack and her body went slack, resistances falling apart, anger vanishing, fears leaving.
Freedom, freedom, freedom.
"Too much," she found herself admitting, the words tearing out of her throat, a ragged whisper, "Please, help me."
(No, no! She didn't need help! She didn't want it, she-)
"I'm scared," her vision blurred and before she knew it, tears began to fall and that surprised her too. Tears. Wasn't she done crying? She didn't deserve to cry, not after everything she's done, she-
She glanced down at her reflection and- ah.
There you are…
Hello, Rainkit.
It's been a while, hasn't it?
He was pulling her into his embrace before she could even register what was happening and Rainpaw, though initially wanting to resist and refuse, could not find the strength to do anything but fall into it willingly. Blueberries and cedarwood and morning dew curled around her as much as he did, a vision of blue-grey fur splashed across her sight as he brought her to his chest.
(It was unnervingly quiet in her head after the monster stopped screaming.)
"I'm scared," she repeated, whimpered, and some part of her felt weak while another part of her felt free. Free to break, free to tell the truth, free to accept the love of another. "I'm scared, please help me. I don't know what to do."
I don't know who I am.
Twist, Amber, Oak, Marsh, Dapple. Quill, Sky, Smoke, Bristle, Flint, Blink. Leo, Sun, Sora, Umbra.
Could she ever be forgiven?
(Self-defense, it had been self-defense. They attacked me first! They-)
They didn't deserve to die. Not all of them.
"There's more to winning than killing everybody."
Who had she been trying to beat with most of those kills? Who had she been fighting? The world? Herself? (There were exceptions, she could tell. Sora, Umbra; they had actually given her no choice. Sun… Sun could have been spared. That had just been a vendetta. And Leo? He had simply been caught in the crossfire.)
"You have come far, Rainpaw. Do not go back."
But what if going back to the beginning could help her? An entire restart, trying to figure out where she went wrong. If she could just figure it out, maybe… Maybe...
What are you going to do, raindrop?
She didn't know.
She didn't know, she didn't know.
And that terrified her.
"I got you," Bluepaw murmured to the top of her head, held her just the slightest bit tighter, and she wondered if he would be strong enough to fit all the ill-fitting pieces of her back into the way they were supposed to be. "I got you, Rainpaw. I love you, I'm here."
Why!? She wanted to scream at him, Tell me how you could still love me!
She didn't deserve forgiveness. She didn't deserve their love. Bluepaw, Windpaw. (Stars, perhaps even Whiteshadow could be included in the mix.)
"I'm scared," she sobbed, hiding from the world and hoping it would be enough to give her a break. "I'm scared. Please, help me."
Help me. I don't know who I am anymore.
The monster scares me.
"I got you," he repeated soothingly, "I'm here. I got you."
It sounded like a promise.
And maybe, she could finally start believing it.
(Just maybe.)
…
A/N: A tiny bit on the shorter side, but I rather enjoyed this for some reason. Bittersweet and sad conversations all around, and I hope you've guys strapped yourselves in for this next rollercoaster ride because it's been going up for a while now and we're about to crest to the top. Remember to hang on tight, alright? It might get a little bumpy.
Also, give it up for Brother Blue and raindrop! And Flarekitty with Sagebro. Gotta love sibling interactions.
…
Question of the Day
(A friend sent me this one.)
What is your strangest/earliest memory?
(I'd say mine is that the only memory I have of my grandmother before she passed away is, for some reason, her serving me milk? Like, that's the only thing I remember of her and I don't know whether that's funny or sad XD)
…
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Let me know what you think of the story and give constructive criticism where you see fit.
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Thank you and peace out!
~Wolfcreations21