well, this is definitely too long to be a journal entry but I just couldn't find a good place to split it up lol. It's actually an adaptation of a one-shot I wrote and never posted, so that's probably why...

Anyway, enjoy!

Entry 92

I don't even know how to respond to everything I just read.

Everyone in my generation left a note for me on my birthday. Snotlout's and the twins' were… interesting, but Fishlegs' and Astrid's really stuck with me. Fishlegs wants to be best friends like we were when we were little. If I'm being honest, the idea makes me a little apprehensive, but I'm not against it. Fishlegs never treated me awful, he just… ignored me. But I can tell he really feels bad about it, so I want to give him a chance. Snotlout seems to still hate me, but also care about me in some twisted way. The twins just don't know what to say, but that's better than saying something mean, I guess. And Astrid… is even more confusing in writing than she is in person. Her words are so contradictory between wanting to kill me and wanting to kiss me, it's almost frightening. Note to self, always tread lightly when she's around, even moreso than before.

As for my dad's entries… I couldn't read some of the bits about me, especially the first few entries. I really don't want to think about what happened to me after that battle, but it's clear from my father's words it was some kind of eye opening event. I want to ask him more, because of just how many conflicting feelings he displayed in his writing, but I don't know if I'm ready yet. Maybe I'll just have to take a leap and ask.

…

My dad's answer was… interesting.

When he got home, he could tell something was on my mind; I didn't even say anything and the first words out of his mouth when he saw me was "What's wrong, Hiccup?"

"Why do you think something's wrong?" I asked, even though I knew I wasn't going to convince him.

"I can tell. So don't even try that," he replied. "Is it your leg? Do I need to get Gothi?"

"What? No, I feel fine. It's… something else."

His expression relaxed. "Oh, okay, good. Then what's on your mind?"

I hesitated, feeling weird about saying anything. This was the first real conversation I'd had with my dad in years… was it okay for it to be about something so deep? But… I really wanted to know. So, I just said, "I read your entries in my journal."

"Oh…" Dad nodded, seemingly as uneasy about this new level of interaction as I was. He awkwardly took a seat beside me on my bed. "Did you… need to talk about it?"

"I- I don't know. I think I get most of it, even though it was kind of hard to read at times. But I just wonder…" I trailed off.

"Go on, Hiccup. I'm not going to get mad," he said.

That almost broke me entirely, because my dad doesn't just 'not get mad', but I forced myself to continue. "Uh, I was wondering… what- what made you change? You wrote so many times how sorry you are about how things… how things were, but… I just don't understand. What made you see me… different?"

He took in a deep breath, and was silent for so long I was worried I'd said something wrong. Finally, he answered, in a voice so quiet I almost missed it. "It was a wake up call."

"It… it was?" My voice sounded weaker than I wanted it to.

"Yes. I thought… I thought I was going to lose you, and never have a chance to make it right. When I saw Toothless after the battle, saddle empty… I realized how much I needed you. When he opened his wings and I pulled you close and heard your heartbeat… I felt a relief I hadn't felt since you made it through your first night. But then, once I saw what happened to your leg, I feared for the worst again. And when you didn't improve after taking it off, that was when it became clearest, I think. I didn't want to have my last memories of our time together be the bad ones. I know I tried to apologize before you and Toothless flew off to fight but… it wasn't enough. I didn't want you to die with such a broken relationship with your own father. So, I prayed and prayed that you'd make it through, and once you did, I made a promise that I'd do whatever it takes to make things right between us. And that's what I'm going to do… if you'll let me, of course."

Did I want to let him? My heart's immediate response was 'yes! Let him! Build the relationship you've always wanted!' but my mind held me back from saying it. Could I truly just forgive everything that had happened the last four years of my life, without even thinking about it? Some awful, petty part of me wanted to say 'no, you don't deserve it'. But I feel like, if I let the pain of the past consume me… I won't be ME. I've always been someone who tries to move forward even when things seem hopeless, despite how cynical I appear (and sometimes feel). But I never truly wanted to give in if I had even a minuscule chance. And… I don't want to let that resentment change me now. I don't want to be angry about the past, when I have so much to see in the future.

And… maybe this was the first step.

So, I replied, feeling tears threatening my eyes for the first time in years. "Yes, Dad. I… I'd like that a lot."

He pulled me into a hug, almost as overtaken by emotion as I was. "Thank you, son. That means the world to me."

And, for the first since I was little… I felt welcome in his arms.

Until next time…

-H