Author note:

I finally got time to finish this chapter. Please drop a comment if you enjoyed it. As always, thanks for your continued support.

CH 112-Always

Clay was awoken by the sound of muffled whimpers. He reached out and pulled Emma closer into his arms. Her small frame shook with silent sobs. This was the fourth night in a row for her nightmares. Each evening got progressively worse.

"Shhhh. Shhhh, Baby. It's okay. I'm here. I'm here."

Clay tenderly wiped the tears from her cheeks and tried to sooth the terror that invaded her slumber. He placed his lips on her forehead and held her as tightly as he dared without waking her. They both knew the reason for this recent development. The anniversary of Alana's death was looming. They talked very little about it during the day. The only acknowledgement was a small flower drawn on the calendar that sat on the desk, and the discussion they had with Jason about plans to honor Emma's late Mother on that sad occasion. That was the extent of their conversations so far. Emma shied away from the subject and Clay didn't want to push anything and cause her any more grief.

He was brought back to the present by Emma's small hand grasping his bicep with surprising force and her sharp intake of breath. He waited for her to exhale, but never felt that puff of air against his chest. Rubbing her back, he tried to wake her gently.

"Em, honey…Emma."

In spite of his efforts, she woke with a start, eyes full of anguish. The expression of pain that covered her features, from her tear-filled eyes to her quivering chin was heartbreaking. Then, the one small cry that she uttered, shattered him.

"Mom?"

"Oh…oh, Em," he whispered as he blinked, trying to hold back his own tears.

Even Koda was concerned, he sat up and laid his head on the bed beside Emma. Breaking his own rule, but willing to do anything to bring her comfort, Clay patted the mattress and directed Koda to lay against Emma's back. Effectively sandwiching her between them. He felt her shaky breath and again addressed her.

"Sweetheart, are you okay?"

She buried her face in his chest and shook her head. Her response was muted, as he felt her lips move against his skin.

"No... maybe. I…I don't know."

Clay leaned back so he could see her face.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Again, she shook her head in the negative. He and stroked her damp cheek with his thumb as he tried again.

"It might help. If you try to tell me instead of keeping it all bottled up inside…"

After another shuddering breath, Emma rolled slightly to her back. She was still caught up in Clay's solid embrace but was able to reach out a hand to weave her fingers into Koda's thick fur as well.

"I…it was my Mom."

He pressed his lips to her forehead and then nodded for her to continue.

"It's…that moment, when I saw Dad's face after he called me and Mike into the living room. I keep seeing it over and over. Then it all goes into slow motion when he tells us about Mom's accident."

She pulled her hands back and grabbed the sheet, balling it up in her grasp.

"It's like…like I can see it all happening, I can see myself and I try…" she began to cry again, and her next words were broken and interspersed with sharp breaths and hiccups. "I try to stop it. I try to keep Dad from saying it. But I can't. No matter what I do, I can't stop it."

"I'm so sorry Baby. I'm so sorry. I love you so much, Em."

He didn't know what else to say. He knew that there really was nothing he could do to make it better, as much as he longed to. All he could do was offer her was the security of his arms, and the reassurance of his love.

"I wish there were something I could do, some way I could take away your pain."

Her breathing calmed and her tears started to abate. Untangling her fingers from the covers, she laid her hand on his chest and leaned to place a quick kiss next to it, right over his heart.

"You are helping. Knowing I'm not alone and that you're here with me is help enough."

"You'll never be alone."

Emma took a deep breath and looked around, seeming to notice that it was still the dead of night.

"I'm sorry."

"Sorry…why are you sorry?"

"I'm sorry for keeping you up again. I know you need your sleep."

"You don't need to apologize for anything. Nothing is more important than you right now."

He cupped her chin in his hand and placed a soft kiss on her mouth.

"Do you want to talk some more, or do you think you can try and go back to sleep?"

She turned and snuggled down in front of him as she answered.

"Let's get some more sleep."

They both closed their eyes, but he could feel her petting Koda's head in the quiet.

"Clay?"

"Hmmm…."

"I love you."

He tightened his arms around her and kissed her shoulder.

"Love you too, Babe."

Morning came and Clay woke up first. He could tell from the position of the sun that it was later than he normally would sleep, even on a weekend. He slipped out of bed as quietly as he could. He knew Emma needed to catch up on her rest. Her sleep had been interrupted even more than his this past week. As he pulled on his clothes to take Koda for a run, he studied her face. He could see that even though she was asleep she wasn't completely relaxed. Her expression was tight and almost pained looking instead of calm and peaceful. He placed a feather-light kiss on her head and hoped she would be able to sleep as long as she needed.

Yawning and stretching, Emma felt like someone had held her underwater for too long as she reached for full consciousness. Clay was no longer in the bed beside her. She could hear some quiet movement in the other room. She threw back the covers and slowly made it out of the bedroom. As she crossed the threshold, she could hear Clay moving around in the kitchen, while admonishing Koda not to beg for scraps.

Emma shuffled into the room, still rubbing her eyes, and trying to clear her head.

"Hey! There's my Sleeping Beauty."

Clay laid down the pan he was holding and reached for her, pulling her into his arms. Emma responded, wrapping her arms around his waist, and leaning into him.

"Hi. What time is it?"

"Uh…about 11:45."

"Sorry I slept so late."

"No need to be sorry, you needed it. How are you doing?"

She stepped back just enough to look up at him.

"Better, I think."

Clay bent and kissed her upturned nose.

"Good! Are you hungry?"

"Yea. I am."

"Okay. Koda and I were going to fix some lunch, but I can make breakfast if you'd rather."

"What's on the menu?"

"Just some grilled cheese and maybe some fruit."

"That sounds perfect. Do I have time to jump in the shower?"

"Sure. Koda and I can wait a few minutes before we get started."

"Oh, you can," she teased as she leaned down to pet the furry head that was nosing at her hand. "Thanks so much Koda."

Emma didn't linger in the shower. She was out and into some clean leggings and a one of Clay's soft t-shirts in just fifteen minutes. She was putting her hair up into a messy bun as she returned to the kitchen. Clay had the table set and was just now transferring their sandwiches to plates. She filled their glasses with water, and everything was ready. They sat and started to eat.

"Mmmm. This is just what I needed. Thanks, honey," Emma managed around her first bite.

"Good. I thought we could use some comfort food today."

She simply nodded and kept chewing. Clay reached out and laid a hand over hers.

"So…do you want to talk about last night?"

"I…it was just another bad dream. Knowing that it's coming up on two years since we lost Mom…it's kind of surreal."

"I know it's hard for you, babe. We don't have to go with Jace tomorrow if it's too much for you."

"No, he needs me there. And…he's right it's important for us to acknowledge it even if it hurts. I'm not…I'm not really sure why it seems so much harder this year than last year."

"Well, this time last year you had just moved in and your Dad bought the new condo. There were a lot of other things going on. Maybe that helped some."

"I'm sure that did take up a lot of my thoughts. But… I don't know. I guess I feel like there's something else too. I just need some time to figure it out."

He squeezed her hand and then brought it to his lips.

"Well, I'm here…if you want to talk, or just someone to sit with you."

"I know. And I know that I'll need you with me to get through tomorrow."

"I'll be right there."

The rest of the day was spent in quiet pursuits. Clay did laundry and cleaned his side arm, while Emma finished up schoolwork. They did speak with Jason to solidify their plans for tomorrow. Then they made it an early night, cuddling into bed far earlier than what most couples would on a Saturday. Just like the previous nights, Emma had a nightmare. This time Clay awoke when he felt her shaking, but she didn't cry out. She seemed to quiet quickly so he let her be.

Clay woke at his usual time but laid still so he wouldn't wake Emma. He knew that today was going to be very rough for her. And for Jason too. He was determined to be there for both of them in whatever way he could. He could feel her stirring next to him. Somehow her body and subconscious seemed to be aware of the day's sad duties. Soon enough, he could see her eyes blink open. Their usual crystalline blue was clouded and hazy. Brushing back a few strands of hair and tucking them behind her ear, he placed a tender kiss on her lips.

"Good morning, baby."

"Mmmm, morning. Do we need to get up yet?"

She buried her head in his neck, hoping that he would say "No", but knowing the truth.

"I'm afraid so. We're supposed to meet your Dad in a couple hours."

Emma sighed deeply and nodded.

"Ok. I'll go ahead and get in the shower. Could you take Koda out?"

He hugged her close again and kissed the crown of her head.

"Sure thing."

He got up and pulled on sweats, shoes, and a cap as she made her way to the bathroom. By the time Clay returned, Emma was out of the shower and getting dressed. She had left her hair down to dry and it was curling around her face and shoulders. She was standing in their closet in her black jeans and a bra. Normally, the sight of her like this would drive him wild. But, with her shoulders drooping and her hand shuffling carelessly through her shirts, all he wanted to do was hold her and keep anything from hurting her ever again. He couldn't stop himself from pulling her close. Her arms were folded between them and her head was tucked under his chin. Words were superfluous at a time like this. She took the comfort and strength he offered, and he helped shoulder her burden.

Before arriving at the cemetery, they stopped at the florist and Clay ran inside to pick up the bouquet Emma ordered for Alana. He brought it out and handed to her carefully. She looked it over, making sure it was what she ordered. As she pulled back the florist paper Clay got a better view too.

"It looks beautiful, Em."

"Yea," she responded thoughtfully. "I wanted the white Lilies because they're a symbol remembrance and they smell wonderful. And…I loved how you added Forget-me-nots in the bouquet you got for her last year, so I had them include those too."

"Well, they did a wonderful job."

She wiped and errant tear from her cheek and nodded and he started the ignition.

It didn't take them too long to arrive. They were a little earlier than the agreed upon time with Jason, but they didn't mind. As they turned off the road and into the cemetery, Emma thought she might need to direct Clay through the maze of roads in order to find her Mom. But he navigated right over to the where her Mom was laid to rest. The fact that he knew right where to go, without asking, touched her. It let her know that it was important enough to him to remember. She wasn't sure she could get any words past the lump in her throat, so instead, she leaned over and kissed his cheek.

"Not that I mind. But what was that for?"

"For being so thoughtful."

Clay got out and went to help Emma down. They walked hand in hand over to where her Mom lay. Clay noticed that her steps got slower as they neared Alana's plot. They stopped in front of the grave. Emma went to place the bouquet against the headstone and remove the old, withered flowers remaining from Christmas. She noticed a gold-foil wrapped pot sitting there as well. There were a few petals left that indicated the plant was a white poinsettia. She knew that she and her Grandma and Mike didn't leave this. Picking it up she searched for something that would indicate who left it. Not seeing anything, she sat it at her feet.

"I wonder where this came from? I know Dad didn't bring it. He always brings Mom roses."

Clay coughed and then answered sheepishly.

"That's from me."

"You? When did you come out here?"

Clay reached up and rubbed his hand over the back of his neck.

"I stopped by when I got home after Christmas."

"You came by yourself?"

"Yea…I…well, I felt bad that I didn't get to pay my respects with you all on Christmas Day. I knew you had just been and how coming here can upset you. So, I just got the plant and drove out."

He was swallowing convulsively and fiddling with the hat he removed when they reached Alana's grave. He could see Emma's chin quivering and the giant teardrops that made their way down her cheeks.

"Em…I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm so sorry."

She shook her head and reached for his hand, squeezing his fingers. How could she express to him how much his reverence for her Mom meant to her?

"I'm not...I'm not upset. I just…can you tell me why you came? I mean, you didn't even really know her."

"You're right. I only got to meet your Mom a couple times. She was so welcoming to me. "

Emma came closer and he put his arm around her shoulders.

"She really seemed like she cared about everyone on Bravo like they were her family."

"She did."

"Well, you know that up until I got on Bravo, and met you, I didn't really have any family. So even that short time I knew her…her acceptance meant a lot to me. And, Em, I know that I didn't know her, but I do know you. I know she was a great Mom and that you are the woman I love because of her. I wanted to …to honor that somehow."

It may not have been entirely appropriate, but Emma had to show him how she felt. She wound her arms around his neck and poured all of her love into the kiss she gave him. After several more small, nibbling kisses, they stood in an embrace, foreheads resting together.

Jason hadn't meant to eavesdrop. He arrived on time and saw Emma and Clay already at Alana's grave, so he grabbed the dozen roses laying on the passenger seat and went to join them. As he approached, he saw Clay put his arm around Emma. The two looked to be deep in conversation. He paused his progress, not wanting to intrude, but their words floated to him across the crisp, clean air. Clay's sentiments moved him too. Hearing how Alana touched the young operator in the few instances they'd interacted emphasized how big a hole her death left in their lives.

Clay noticed Jason's approach out of the corner of his eye. He turned to greet his boss but kept his arm around Emma.

"Hey Jace."

"Hey you two. Got here early, huh?"

Emma just nodded and let Clay answer.

"We just got here a few minutes ago."

Jason clapped his hand on Clay's shoulder and bent to give his daughter a kiss on the cheek.

"Those flowers are beautiful, Em."

He stepped up to the grave and placed his dozen, red roses next to the blue and white flowers Emma brought. He stood up and laid his hand on top of Alana's headstone. He cleared his throat and turned to talk to Emma.

"You wanna call your Grandma and brother?"

Since Mike was away at school and couldn't make it back, they arranged for him to go to Linda's, and they would FaceTime the two so they could be a part of this family memorial as well. Emma got them on her phone.

"Hi Grandma, Mike. We're here."

There were tears in her brother's eyes as he saw Alana's grave. She wanted to reach out and hug him. Thankfully, Linda wrapped her arm around him instead. Jason spoke up.

"I know it's hard for all of us to be here, and to remember how our family changed two years ago when that knock sounded on our front door."

Emma was weeping now too. She leaned on Clay and he held her tightly. Even Jason was fighting back tears as he spoke.

"Alana, we never could have imagined getting that news and having to live without you. I know that you would worry about us. You would worry if we could make it without you. It…it hasn't been easy. I've made mistakes, we've all stumbled. But we're making it. Especially Emma and Mike. You… you ahh raised some great kids, 'Lana. I know I didn't have much to do with it."

Jason paused to look at Emma and then at Mike's image on the screen. He was overcome for a second and had to wipe the tears from his stubbled cheeks.

"They're doing so well. They both have made some really great decisions about their lives and their dreams. I know you're proud of them, just like I am. Just know that we miss you and think about you all the time. Love you, 'Lana."

Mike had his head on his Grandma's shoulder, sobbing. He had grown so much in the past couple years. But nothing could ease the pain of losing his mother.

Jason looked to Emma, wondering if she would want to say anything. She took a deep breath, and stepped forward, but still held onto Clay's hand like a lifeline.

"Dad's right. I thought it would get easier. But it still hurts so much. I still want to talk to you every day. I want to ask your advice and tell you secrets. I hope…I hope you are proud of me. I've tried to make you and Dad proud. I think you would support my decisions, even if they're a little different than what we talked about for my future. I love you, Mom."

When she was finished, she retreated into Clay's arms and sobbed. Surprising them all, Clay spoke up next.

"Alana, I know you and I didn't know each other very well. But I know how much you loved your family, even your Bravo family. I want to thank you for including me in that from the minute we met. I also want to thank you for raising Emma to be such a kind and loving person. I'll do my best to always be there for her."

When he was done, he pressed his lips to the top of Emma's head and didn't move. Next, Mike tried again to say something, but the words just wouldn't come. Jason and Linda assured him that his Mother knew how he felt already. Emma ended the call and it felt like their small ceremony had come to an end. Jason kissed Emma's cheek and held her a long time before shaking Clay's hand and retreating to his truck.

Clay held back. It seemed like Emma wasn't quite ready to leave yet. When she stepped forward and knelt by the granite marker, he knew that she needed more time. He wanted to give her privacy but made sure he wasn't too far away. He watched her lips moving as she carefully traced Alana's name and the words, "Beloved Mother" that were carved into the stone.

After a few more minutes, she rose and walked over to him.

"I think I'm ready to go now."

"Are you sure? I don't mind staying."

"I know. But I…I feel like I have some answers now."

"About?"

"The reason for the nightmares."

"Really?"

She took his hand and wove fingers through his.

"I think that I was upset because pretty much everything that's important in my life right now, you, my job, school. Those are all things that Mom didn't know about. And I don't know how, but after I talked to her just now…I feel like she knows, and that she's happy for me."

"That's great, Em."

"I know it seems crazy to say that I can still talk to her."

"No, it doesn't seem crazy. I guess I believe that when you love someone like you and your Mom love each other, that connection doesn't ever completely go away."

She stood on tip toe and kissed his cheek.

"That's a beautiful thought."

"It makes sense to me. I know that you're always with me and always will be."

He saw the first real smile he'd seen in days grace her lips.

"And you're always with me."

He cupped her cheek and bent to kiss her.

"Always, Em. Always."