Group text message chat 'Cullen Kids"

Edward: Help fellow siblings!

[Rosalie has left the conversation]

[Alice has added Rosalie to the conversation]

Jasper: Howdy

Alice: Hey Edward

Emmett: Yooooooo waddup Eddie boi!

Rosalie: How did you get this number? Delete me from your phone. Now..

Emmett: How's tricks golden boy? Pop your cherry yet?

Edward: Certainly not

Rosalie: Gross

Rosalie: If you're texting to tell us about Bella please don't bother. We're more interested in watching the unidentified mould cultures in Carlisle's Petri dishes grow. They move faster. They've got more personality too.

Emmett: Ooooh burn ?

Jasper: How is the little lady?

Edward: Poor Bella has a cold. I am most concerned.

Whelp.

[posts picture of someone collecting bodies during the Black Death]

Alice: Rosalie! Please don't talk about my friend like that.

Rosealie: [eyeroll emoji] you've talked to her like once.

Alice: Wait I'm getting a vision!

Jasper: What is it sweetheart?

Alice: It's of Rosalie

Keeping her damn mouth shut

Jasper: [posts picture of flying pigs]

Edward: [posts picture of Magic 8 Ball saying 'Don't count on it']

Jasper: I wouldn't worry Edward, you've got two medical degrees.

Rosalie: Big whoop. Who amongst us *hasn't been to medical school*?

Oh that's right!

[posts picture of Carlisle in his doctor's white coat]

Emmett: But don't worry Edward, Forks' finest is ON IT!

[posts picture of plague doctor]

Rosalie: NGL I'm not surprised Bella's sick, she must have some kind of brain swelling to wanna go near Edward

Jasper: [trash can and racoon emojis]

Emmett: [Posts medieval illustration of a doctor hammering a chisel into someone's skull]

Alice: LMAO

Jasper: Esme! Fetch me the Mercury!

Edward: Leave Bella out of this!

Emmett: [sassy Spongebob Squarepants meme]

LeAvE bElLa OuT oF tHiS

Rosalie: I wish you fucking would!

[Posts a meme entitled 'Bella mood board:' 9 pictures, from top left to bottom right; plain tofu, beige, wet cardboard, a spreadsheet, someone biting their lip, a stamp that says 'FAMILY MEETING', a medical ankle brace, senior citizens in an old folks home sitting down and a box of wheat bran]

Edward: Hey! Bella sent me one of those before!

Emmett: No she didn't.

Jasper: Don't lie [pants and fire emojis]

Edward: [Posts the 'Edward longs on mood board' meme Bella previously made him: 9 pictures, from top left to bottom right; Old lady peering at her computer screen and holding her glasses, steampunk clockwork computer, someone typing on a keyboard with two fingers, virus spam warning, old man looking distressed at his laptop, popup adverts, Jeeves from Ask Jeeves with the text 'greetings intensify', Windows error message 'Task failed successfully', and an old man hunched over a laptop typing with one finger]

See!

Rosalie: Jesus Christ if fucking Bella is roasting you it's time to look at your life choices

Emmett: i'M tHe wOrLd'S mOsT dAnGeRoUs PrEaDaToR

[posts picture of white guy in a park, dressed in all black with a samurai sword]

Rosalie: I haven't felt this worried about a woman's safety since Edward spent three months on his obstetrics rotation with his eyes shut!

Alice: [Doctor, hospital, pregnant lady, nervous, see no evil emojis]

Emmett: [stock photo image of doctor covering his eyes with his hands]

Alice [Stock photo of a doctor covering his eyes with one hand and holding the other out in a 'stop' gesture]

[stock photo of a doctor with his head buried in the sand, stethoscope beside him]

Jasper: [stock photo of cross eyed doctor listening to his own heart with a stethoscope]

OMG he's flatlining!

Alice: Sooooooo… Are you going to ask Bella to the winter formal?

Rosalie [eyeroll emoji x8]

Edward: Heavens no! I'm far too shy!

Alice: What? I think it's romantic. You should go for it Edward! Bella is very nice.

Rosalie: Nice like wet cardboard.

Emmett: Her cardboard's [sweat emojis] for Eddie's [cobweb, eggplant, padlock emojis]

Alice: She can wear the stilettos I bought with her and I can give her a makeover [lipstick, nail polish, haircut emojis]

Jasper: She can barely manage to sit in a chair without getting injured, I think stilettos would land her in a full body cast.

Rosalie: Ugh don't encourage him Alice.

Emmett: YOOOOOOOOO you should totally do it

Then you can [eggplant, cherry, pop, champagne cork emojis]

FINALLY

Rosalie: Again- GROSS

Jasper: Bella's in for a treat!

Alice: [stock photo of a woman using a stethoscope to crack a safe with an excited expression on her face]

Emmett: [stock photo of a man with a padlock on his belt]

Alice: [stock photo of someone getting covered with a faceful of dust]

Jasper: Well, it is a known fact that Edward IS the fastest

Emmett: [nut, speed emojis]

Rosalie: Yeah it'll be the best half second of her life.

Emmett: Eddie on his way to bust that hymen.

[picture of Lightning McQueen on the racetrack from the movie Cars]

Rosalie: Gross. [vomit emoji]

But also accurate.

Jasper: Just make sure to wrap it before you tap it Ed

[no entry, baby emojis]

Emmett: [stock photo of someone looking forlorn wrapped in bubble wrap]

Alice: [stock photo of a man wearing a suit made of bubble wrap smiling and walking]

Rosalie: Awww a baby would be nice.

I mean, not Edward's obviously.

Another baby from somewhere else.

Literally anywhere else.

Alice: If he can't even look at a shoulder I don't think he's gonna manage to inseminate anyone

Edward: I already said I'm too shy to ask her.

Emmett: Don't worry Carlisle's got this

[medieval illustration of an absolutely brutal birthing scene]

Edward: I already said I'm too shy to ask her.

Alice: Awww, leave him alone you guys!

I think it's sweet.

Rosalie: Please tell Aro that when he brings his army of ghouls

Edward: Aro isn't going to find out.

Rosalie: Right, just like YOU'RE not going to fall in love with the blandest being ever to walk the face of the Earth, put us all at risk, tell her you're psychic, or get increasingly involved with her with each passing day?

Alice: Rose, that's enough.

Rosalie: Where is the lie?

Edward: I'm telling Esme on you

Rosalie: Emmett, babe, it's been a good run, but I realise you just can't give me what I need in a man. I want a divorce. I've finally seen the light and realised Carlisle was right, his golden child is the man of my dreams.

Jasper: Edward, pipe down! I can hear you hissing from downstairs.

Emmett: Yeah dude, some of us are trying to have some [eggplant emoji] quality [peach emoji] time [nut emoji] with our wives!

Rosalie: EMMETT

A/N: Please leave a review! Thanks so much to my wonderful beta wh1teow1, please show some love and read Moirai, a reimagining of Twilight for the new decade! There are pictures of this chat with the memes included on my Deviant Art page, just search for LogLadyJ, they're labelled as Cullen Kids chat 1.1, Cullen kids chat 1.2 etc.