A/N: This is a group text message chat between Rosalie, Emmett, Jasper, Alice and Edward.
Alice: This is not a drill!
Alice: I've had a distressing vision!
Edward: oh god is it about Bella?
Alice: No
Edward: Then I don't see what there is to worry about
Jasper: What is it buttercup?
Alice: Carlisle wants us to have a family activity day this weekend. Prepare your excuses children!
Rosalie: Thanks for the heads up. Time for another honeymoon babe XO
Emmett: Yessssss [eggplant emoji]
Edward: Can Bella join in?
Emmett: [threeway memes]
Rosalie: Keep it up babe and the only kind of fucked you'll be getting is by my divorce lawyer
Emmett: [apology cat meme]
Edward: NO! Can Bella join in with family activity day?
Jasper: 1) Bella isn't family 2) we are trying to get out of it numb nuts
Emmett: Numb from humping his rug thinking about Bella's boobies!
Edward: LEAVE BELLA ALONE!
Rosalie: Yes, that's exactly what you should do.
Jasper: [picture of damaged carpet] Emmett: [Picture of carpet with a hole worn in it]
Jasper: [Picture of carpet that has a big bump as if it's pregnant with a 'baby on board' sign.]
Edward: Shut up or I'll tell Esme!
Rosalie: [meme of statue shouting mooooom]
Jasper: Anyway, what does Carlisle have in mind?
Alice: i've seen all kinds of awful possibilities
Options include
Touring the local water filtration plant
Rosalie: [wut? Face meme]
Emmett: [medieval painting of a man cutting off his own dick and another man in the background jumping into a fire]
Edward: Interesting!
Alice: Collecting litter from the side of the highway
Rosalie That is literally how they punish criminals
Alice: [painting of a bored woman]
Edward: [sad renaissance cat painting]
Alice: Family choir
With performances at the local old folks homes
Rosalie: [medieval painting of a choir of unattractive women who all look like they're having a terrible time]
Jasper: [photo of a kid crying hysterically while playing guitar]
Emmett: [Medieval illustration of a man with a horn stuck up his but and a nun with her hands up in the universal gesture for 'stop']
Edward:[sad medieval cat playing a lute]
Alice: [painting of a woman with a sword through her neck looking bored]
Alice: Digitising the minutes of the family meetings from the last 80 years to create a database. Watch out- Esme will like this one!
Alice: [painting of a woman collapsed in despair/boredom]
Emmett: [Medieval illustration of a man showing his butthole to the viewer]
Edward: [frightened hamster photo]
Jasper: [painting of a man looking shocked/desperate]
Rosalie: [old lobotomy illustration]
Rosalie: WHO HURT HIM?
Alice: [renaissance style painting of an overweight cat, crying]
Alice: Sock puppets. Seriously this is the best one and it's just terrible.
Jasper: I am 160
Alice: I know sweetie.
Edward: [Medieval illustration of a man being burned alive in a pit]
Alice: Family pajama party
Rosalie WE DON'T EVEN SLEEP
Alice: Making a time capsule
Edward: We have perfect recall, however long we wait it'll be like opening it immediately after we close it.
Emmett: [Medieval painting of a man having boils lanced on his butt]
Alice: Oh and of course, bible study. Of the ENTIRE BIBLE.
Emmett: [Medieval king being stabbed in the heart and looking sad]
Edward We must avoid that one AT ALL COSTS.
Jasper: [Medieval picture of a horrified looking lion]
Rosalie: [panicking cat photo]
Jasper He'd be ruminating on every verse for hours. It'd take a decade for him to finish at least.
Alice: Can't we just turn Bella into one of us to distract him? He needs a project.
Edward: NO!
Edward: NOBODY IS TOUCHING BELLA
Emmett: Especially not you
Jasper Sacrifices must be made Edward.
Rosalie: [pagan wicker man human sacrifice illustration]
Edward NOT HUMAN SACRIFICES
Rosalie: Says the guy with the second highest kill count in the family
Rosalie How about a virgin sacrifice?
Emmett: Better get a move on cherry boy! [cherry emoji]
Edward: Shut up and focus you buffoons! We need a strategy!
Alice: Jazz?
Jasper: We need to distract him.
Emmett Can we get a dog?
Edward: I'm allergic
Rosalie: Of course you fucking are.
Rosalie: What if we convince him the house is haunted and needs MULTIPLE exorcisms? He's love that. He could exorcise Bella, get rid of her for good!
Emmett: [painting of an exorcism with the word Bella written on the possessed individual and Carlile's photo stuck over the head of the priest]
Alice: [Exorcists: [giggles] just beat the devil out of it Bob Ross meme]
Rosalie: [Screaming seagull meme saying 'the power of Christ compels you!']
Jasper: Nice idea but you know he'd make us all hold hands and pray.
Rosalie: Fuck. You're right.
Edward Get him to write his memoirs. That'd take him literally forever.
Alice: That's it!
Emmett I don't think Esme would like him scratching her furniture
Jasper: How's that now?
Emmett: Maybe we could just lock him inside one instead
Edward: What are you wittering about?
Emmett Do we even have one? I mean, I just put all my clothes are in the miniature room.
Jasper: For fuck's sake Emmett. Memoir not armoire.
Edward: Give me strength!
Alice: You know he'd dictate it all to poor Esme.
Jasper: Sacrifices must be made
Rosalie She doesn't deserve that
Edward: Nobody does.
Alice: Maybe we can get her a gift to show sympathy without telling her what we did?
Jasper: Found it
Jasper: [photo of a cap that says 'I got thrown under the bus']
Jasper: [Photo of a t shirt with tire tracks across the belly that says 'I'm ok!']
Emmett: She will forgive us though.
Edward: She does really love us.
Rosalie: So for the greater good we're throwing Esme under the bus on this one?
Jasper: [woman throwing her baby like a basketball painting]
Alice: [picture of a pink bus with the text 'if you get thrown under the bus pretend it's a pink one and be happy! Life's too short for worry!]
Rosalie: [Illustration of someone throwing someone under a bus]
Emmett: [Spongebob meme altered so that Spongebob is holding Esme above his head with the word YEET]
Jasper: RIP Esme
Alice: It's the only way.
Edward: Agreed.
A/N: Please leave a review! Thanks so much to my wonderful beta wh1teow1, please show some love and read Moirai, a reimagining of Twilight for the new decade! There are pictures of this chat with the memes included on my Deviant Art page, just search for LogLadyJ, they're labelled as Cullen Kids chat 2.1, Cullen kids chat 2.2 etc.