She spent most of the day in bed, vowing never to drink again. She played out arguments in her head, wondering whether she had been out of her mind or if it had actually been a pure stroke of genius.
At half past four she rolled slowly out of bed and dragged herself to her shower. She popped her head around the bedroom door and saw that her living room had been returned to its usual state.
After a long, hot shower, she dressed herself warmly and did her hair and make-up, sipping on the pick-me-up potion and the throat syrup Severus had left for her. She made herself a piece of toast and a cup of green tea, wondering idly if Elizabeth was ok.
Serena was just fishing the tea leaves out of her mug when there was a sharp rap on the door of her quarters. She glanced at her watch. Frowning, she meandered around her coffee table, mug in hand and opened the door.
"Oh, it's you."
She looked at the smiling white-haired wizard from his purple shoes to his dark green pointed hat and waited.
Albus simply smiled at her, his blue eyes twinkling infuriatingly.
She clenched her knuckles around her mug and she could feel the hot porcelain slowly searing her skin whilst her mind raced.
This was just like Albus, coming to her personal quarters, invading her space, quietly showing her that he was in charge. Well, she wouldn't let him intimidate her this time.
"You want to see me, I suppose?" she said in a voice that sounded off even to her ears.
"That is indeed why I am at your door. May I come in?" he asked in a light voice, raising his bushy eyebrows.
"Why don't we go for a walk instead?" she said suddenly, giving him a tight smile and not letting him refuse. She put her mug down on the table by the door and picked up her thick black cloak and cream scarf.
Albus stepped back into the corridor as she threw her cloak around herself and shut the door firmly behind her, her wards clicking into place automatically.
They walked side-by-side in total silence until they stepped out into the snow-covered grounds.
She felt a tingle of magic in the air around them and realised he had cast several privacy charms over them.
"If you'll oblige me," he said warmly as her gaze caught the tip of his wand being slipped back into his cloak. "I believe that despite the Ministry's restrictions, there are several 'extendable ears' in the castle, and I do not think we desire being overheard."
She gave a small nod and they turned slowly west towards the outskirts of the forest.
She felt Albus' gaze penetrating her as he said clearly, "You were quite upset yesterday."
At that moment Serena had to pull her years of mastering Occlumency into play. She concentrated hard on her shields, she dropped all emotion from her face, opting for a screen of calmness and mild interest, she lost the tension from her shoulders and loosely clasped her hands together in front of her. She would not show her real emotions, not to him. She wondered if this was how Severus felt, standing before the Dark Lord. Minus the fear of being murdered, of course.
She was screaming inside, but when she replied her voice was flat and unwavering.
"No, Albus," she replied softly. "I have been upset since last June. Last night was just me showing you."
"Serena, I, too, am upset. To see you in such a state-"
"Let's not forget what this is really about," she interrupted calmly. "It's not about me. It's about what you're getting Severus to do."
"This is between myself and Severus-"
"Not it's fucking not," she said quickly, cursing herself inwardly as her voice hardened. She took a deep breath and refocussed her thoughts, their feet crunching on the thin layer of snow as they turned towards Hagrid's hut.
"Not anymore Albus. Not since you bonded us, over two years ago. Everything changed that day. I'm responsible for Severus' happiness now."
"This isn't about happiness," Albus said in a sharp voice, shooting her a frown. "This is war, this is good or evil."
"And is it good or evil to ask a man to kill-"
"There is more at stake," Albus interrupted with a hint of anger in his tone that surprised Serena. "You can't understand-"
"Ah, only sage King Albus can understand, am I not clever enough?"
"You don't know everything, Serena. There are other, more important things at stake." She frowned as he took out his wand and turned it between his blackened finger and thumb. She eyed it closely, wondering what he was going to do, but he simply cast a warming charm over them both and put it back in his pocket.
"And what if there's another way?" she urged.
Albus stopped suddenly and turned to her. They were on the other side of Hagrid's hut now, out of view of prying eyes from the castle. "Serena, my child," he said in a gentle voice, "do you not think I have wracked my brain for an alternative? I want this as much as you do… I, too, have seen the life Severus has built with you, created thanks to you… I do not wish to take it away from him, but I fear that without Severus, we have little hope of beating Lord Voldemort."
Serena bit her tongue inside her mouth and resisted the urge to clench her fists. She could feel the anger slowly seeping out of her, but the frustration remained. She didn't know what she was supposed to feel or believe or accept. She could feel a smooth presence trying to read her thoughts and she held her steel barriers firmly in place. She was confident that he wouldn't be able to see anything if he tried, but she knew she hadn't yet mastered a perfectly serene face as Severus had.
She took a deep breath and blew it out, watching as it steamed in the cold air.
"I apologise for storming your office last night," she said eventually, meeting his gaze steadily. "It was Christmas and… I shouldn't have."
Albus bowed his head slightly. "You are quite forgiven."
She thought in her head that she didn't really give a damn whether he forgave her or not, but she said nothing.
"Well," Albus said in a louder voice, "I should take this opportunity to call on Hagrid, I do believe he has some turnips for me. Shall I see you at dinner this evening?"
Serena felt annoyance at his ever-present need to pretend that everything was just fine, but she didn't have the energy to argue.
"No," she said quietly. "Not tonight."
He bowed his head and she turned towards the forest, ready to make her way back to the castle in the outskirts of the thinnest trees. She could feel beady eyes on her back as she pulled her scarf tighter around herself and trekked through the trees that so resembled her mind.
She wouldn't stop fighting for Severus. The sand was running, but she didn't know how big the hourglass was. She only hoped she would have enough time to save him.
…
Severus sat at the wooden table in Grimmauld Place, trying to concentrate on the letter he was writing to the head of the Department of Magical Transports. He didn't have to write it at Grimmauld Place, of course, but he knew Serena would be spending the evening there and he wanted see her, no, he needed to see her.
Behaving like a dunderhead, a dark voice echoed in his mind. She controls your every whim.
He pushed away the thoughts that hadn't haunted him since he had first fallen in love with the small, smit of a woman, and looked around the kitchen for something to distract himself with.
Max was sitting at the other end of the table, bent over what looked like homework, whilst Samuel cooked tea at the stove.
He cleared his throat and Samuel lifted his eyes from the pan and gave him a small smile.
"How old is he, now?" Severus asked quietly, his eyes on Max who was biting the end of his pencil.
"Almost seven," Samuel said, smiling.
"Has he shown signs of magic?"
"Very recently, he was with Serena and I actually, we were doing the monkey bars in the park, his hands slipped, and he fell and bam- some sort of cushioning charm, it kept him hovering a centimetre above the ground. I was so relieved."
Severus made a noise of agreement, his eyes still on the boy. He supposed it must be a stress to not know if your child was going to have magical abilities or not. If he was going to grow up as a wizard, a muggle or worse… a squib.
"It's a bit late, compared to other children," Samuel continued, stirring what smelt like tomato sauce. "But I'm glad to be honest, I've always been worried about magic slipping out at school."
Severus' eyes fell on Max again, who was grinning at him. "Look, Professor." Severus felt his body tense, and he swallowed as Max dropped out of his chair and ran around the table to Severus' side, holding his exercise book.
"This is my homework for the Christmas holidays-" Max was turning pages and showing him something, but Severus could only think about the little boy's hand that rested innocently on Severus' left forearm as he leant over and showed him his holiday journal. This child had no idea of the reputation Severus had, or of anything of the horrific things he had done.
"And obviously," the little boy continued, "I can't write about Quidditch in my holiday diary, so I change that to football, and it's not really a lie because we play football with Aunty Serena and Uncle Remus, don't we Daddy?"
As he turned to his Father, the little boy's hand gripped Severus' arm just a bit tighter, and his lips gave a wide smile.
"Max," Samuel said in his deep voice, his eyes flickering to Severus' face, "Leave the Professor alone, he has a letter to write."
As Max's face dropped with disappointment, Severus desperately fought for words to comfort the boy, or protest Samuel's conclusion, but nothing seemed to want to come out of his mouth.
"Oh I'm not sure that's true!" her bright voice reached them from the kitchen stairs and from the twinkling of her eyes, Severus wondered how long she had been standing there.
Serena seemed to dance her way across the kitchen towards them, beaming at Max who had given a cry of delight when he had seen her.
"Will you show me and Severus your diary entry from Christmas yesterday?" she asked the little boy, putting an arm around his shoulder and pulling him into a side-hug, whilst her other hand reached Severus and gave his arm a squeeze.
Max turned the page and showed them a rather crude drawing of the burrow house and a giant turkey. "This was the biggest turkey I have ever seen aunty!" Max exclaimed, pointing at his drawing. "And I was allowed three helpings of ice cream!"
Serena exclaimed in awe as she perused the other pages of his diary, and Severus thought with a strange mix of pride and sadness how naturally good she was with children.
"Professor?" his attention flicked straight back to the little boy who was frowning at him now, deep in thought. "What's your favourite flavour of ice cream?"
He could see Serena supressing a laugh, but he had a strange feeling inside him, as though it was one of the most important questions of his life. This little boy, who treated him so innocently, was such a pure breath of fresh air that Severus almost smiled. He cleared his throat, contemplating the question.
"A difficult question," he said quietly, looking deeply into the boy's dark brown eyes and finding his favourite flavour. "I actually enjoy raspberry."
"No!" Max almost shouted in excitement. "Daddy the Professor has the same favourite ice cream as me!"
Samuel gave him a smile, but Severus wasn't quite sure that it reached his eyes.
"Serena," Severus said quietly, folding his letter away. "Might you accompany me upstairs?"
She beamed and nodded, giving Max a kiss on the forehead. "Get on with your homework, you. Those first two drawings haven't been coloured in, I doubt Mrs Greystone will be happy about that when you get back to school."
"Yes aunty," he said, still smiling at the ice cream flavours.
Severus climbed the stairs to their bedroom on the second floor slowly. His head was full, he would need to use his pensieve later, and reorganise his thoughts. For now, though, something had been on his mind all day, and he couldn't supress it much longer.
He could hear her soft footsteps on the old carpet behind him, and his whole body seemed to thrum and shiver at the thought of her.
As soon as she had closed the bedroom door, he pulled her roughly towards him, pressing her body against his and stifling her cry of surprise by crushing his lips to hers. She seemed surprised, at first, but she didn't fight him, kissing him just as desperately, and he felt her small hands clutching at his cloak, holding him to her, too.
His feet carried him foreward until her back pressed against the door and one of his hands threaded into her soft hair.
"What-" she tried to breathe between kisses but he couldn't let her speak, he needed this, he needed to feel her, needed to have her hold him and ground him and make him feel like anything was possible.
She had been so fucking fierce. She had fought Albus for him, she had confronted him and held out the wand ready to kill him, and all for him. This wonderful, sweet, perfect woman who could switch from murderous lioness to gentle aunty in seconds. He both loved and hated seeing her with children. It was such a reminder of everything they could never have and everything he had never known he wanted.
His grip in her hair tighten and she cried as he moved her head to the side and began attacking her neck, his other hand fisting a breast through her clothes, whilst he pushed a thigh in between her legs, spreading them crudely.
"Oh Severus!" she hissed in his ear, spurring him on further as her hands squeezed his arse and his cock hardened rapidly against her hips.
"You are so beautiful," he murmured in her ear, his tongue tracing the length of her lobe. "So fucking fierce."
"Oh Severus, what are you doing to me?" she whimpered as he began pushing her t shirt up and she started undoing the buttons of his cloak.
It took too long, but they were finally naked and he pulled her around and pushed her gently back onto the bed, his naked body covering hers immediately, hot skin against hot skin, his lips burned kisses across her chest, sucking a nipple into his mouth whilst his hands teased her down below just as he knew she liked.
When his fingers were coated in thick juices and she was writhing beneath him, he pulled himself up the length of her body and positioned himself at her entrance, the tip of his throbbing cock rubbing into her pearly liquid.
His eyes met hers and he was hit by such intense emotions he wondered if he hadn't cast the sentimente assimile spell wandlessly.
She gasped as she gazed into his eyes, wonder and love and burning on her face, and it was almost too much. When he pushed into her he thought he might faint. This was heaven, this was paradise, this was ecstasy. He moved forward, thrusting gently into her and cradling her head delicately as she pressed her forehead to his, her bottom lip sucked into her mouth and her hands trailing patterns down his back.
"Serena," he whispered against her lips, "Serena, Serena, everything you do for me, everything you are to me…"
Her hands held him tight to her, her eyes never left his. "I love you," he murmured urgently, needing to convey his feelings so desperately, needing her to believe him. "I love you, I want you to be happy… one day, one day, I want to put a baby in your belly, I do," his eyes filled with images of Serena, her swollen belly protruding from her hips, his ultimate sign of possession as she carried his child, their child, the product of their love.
He shivered as he came inside of her, pulsating inside her hot walls and squeezing his eyes shut. There was no feeling like it.
He opened his eyes as he felt Serena shift slightly, her body stiffer than usual, tension in her shoulders. She had buried her face into his shoulder so he couldn't see her eyes, but when he began to slowly pull out of her and move away, her expression seemed relatively normal, apart from the fact that she couldn't quite seem to look him in the eyes.
As he stood up he could feel sheer panic rising inside him, starting in his stomach, moving to his chest and his throat, freezing him to the spot as she slipped out of bed and began dressing herself quickly.
What had he said? What the FUCK had he been thinking? What had come over him? What in fucking hell-
"Well that was fun," Serena said lightly, pulling him away from his thoughts.
When he turned around almost robotically she was almost fully dressed. She smiled at him, but he wasn't stupid, he could see her Occlumency working furiously, he could see the slight tremble in her fingers and see the pink tinge on her cheeks. He had to stop this, he had to undo his mistake, his terrible mistake, should he obliviate her? Could he explain? He hadn't meant it of course- that thought seemed to cut off in his head as that devil's voice smirked into his ear. Didn't you?
"See you later," the door opened and she fled, leaving him standing naked in the middle of the room.