Sensitive themes in this chapter. Just to warn you all.
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Serena could barely breathe as she stumbled down the stairs, two at a time, only stopping in the hallway to slide on her trainers that she had been too rushed to put on.
Her heart was beating hard in her chest and she had a strange, head-achy feeling in her head as everything she had supressed and carefully stored away clawed back up to the surface.
What the fuck had he been thinking?
"Say, hurry up aunty, I'm hungry!"
Her eyes flickered to the kitchen stairs where little Max was grinning at her.
"Hurry up aunty, I'm hungry!" he copied his Dad whose voice had floated up from the kitchen.
She was supposed to be cooking tonight, she realised. She gave him a large smile and nodded, smoothing down her hair and robes before following the boy into the kitchen. She busied herself at the stove immediately, pulling down ingredients, her back to the others. Her mind was spinning. What had just happened?
Children were out of the question. She knew that, she had always known and accepted that. She was aunty to a wonderful little boy and a gorgeous little girl, she didn't need more, she knew that more was strictly impossible.
And Severus, Severus hated children-
That's not true.
Her eyes flickered over to Max who was colouring in the pictures of his homework diary.
Okay, seeing how he behaved with Max and Lavinia had been a nice surprise, but she had always known that he had a kind heart when he wanted to, especially to those that never judged him.
This, however.
Had she wanted children in her future?
Yes, she admitted to herself. When she had been with Kingsley it had just seemed like the natural course her life would take, but that had been a different time… There hadn't been a war and they… well, they'd been a relatively normal couple.
So when had she decided that children were not for her?
Her mind conjured up the images of her forest, of those ideas and hopes and dreams that she had carefully buried in a hole in the forest floor, deeper and deeper and deeper. Those thoughts had been placed carefully into the soil and covered over, and she hadn't gone back to them since.
Until now.
Now she could feel them shovelling the dirt away, trying to reach up to the surface.
And it made her angry.
What the fuck had he been thinking? She asked herself again. It was ludicrous.
She stirred the pasta sauce a little too vigorously and half of it slopped over the side of the pan.
She bit her lip.
They couldn't have children, Severus was a spy, Severus was going to have to commit one of the most shocking crimes in history, Severus was going to die.
That thought caught in her throat.
It would be a miracle if they both survived this war, she knew that. They had both been happy to simply make the most of the time they had left and be grateful for it.
But with just one stupid sentence he had made her doubt all of that.
Was it enough for her?
Was it enough to accept that their time was limited?
She froze suddenly as a familiar tingle of magic tapped her head and trickled down the back of her neck.
How fucking dare he.
She span around, raging at his audacity and the sight of his sneering face at the door only made her angrier.
"Get over here," she said through gritted teeth, her eyes flashing and her fingers resisting the urge to grab her wand.
Samuel sat up a little straighter, and his head jerked from Severus to Serena but she didn't care.
"I said," she repeated in a low voice, "get. Over. Here. Now."
He marched across the long kitchen, his robe billowing behind him, and she felt a swish of wandless magic as he cast a discreet Muffliato.
He glared at her, hatred in his eyes. "Angry because I used your own spell against you?" he spat in a low, venomous voice. "Bit rich-"
"What the fuck were you thinking?" she hissed, her anger almost shaking her now. "How fucking dare you-"
"Oh don't overreact," he drawled, reflecting it all back onto her, only enraging her further.
"Overreact?" she hissed, "overreact? Do you even remember the words you said? Are you even conscious of the feelings you projected with them? Do you even know what that means?"
It took Severus a split second too long to reply, and she suddenly knew that no, he hadn't realised.
She took a deep, shaky breath.
"I want you to brew me the strongest morning-after potion you can find," she said curtly, her cheeks burning red.
"You already take a contraceptive-"
"And this is exactly how stupid accidents happen!" she hissed. "With fucking powerful feelings and stupid words! You know how strong that type of magic can be!"
"That's not what it was," he growled, but she saw she had struck a nerve.
"Wasn't it?" she snapped. "Because that's sure as hell what it felt like to me! And we have never talked about it, never agreed on anything, and tomorrow you could fuck off and leave me for all we know!" She was trembling now. "So you will get me that fucking potion before tomorrow morning so I can get rid of whatever thing could be growing inside of me, and we shall never speak of this again. Do you hear me?"
Severus was paler than usual, and his eyes seemed almost sad, but she didn't fucking care. This was her future to decide, not his.
After what seemed like an eternity, he gave a curt nod and span away, sweeping from the room.
It was all she could do to make it to the pantry before bursting into tears.
His feelings had been so strong, his love had been so sure and present, and his will to make a child with her had been so intense.
He had somehow, somehow, changed his mind. Severus Snape wanted to have a child with her, and while the news should have delighted her, all it did was fill her with pain and fear.
She had already dreamt of a future with a husband and children once before and it had been torn away from her. She couldn't take the risk again.
She felt her knees give way and she slid down the wooden shelves to the floor, hugging her knees to her chest.
There could be a baby, ready to grow inside of her right that minute. There could be a being made with her and Severus' love, and she was going to kill it.
You have no fucking choice.
She was sure of that.
No baby could be raised by a blood traitor Mum in the middle of the war.
Severus was going to murder Albus and leave her all alone, and she would be damned if she would drag a child into that mess.
There was a small knock on the door and she saw brown shoes approach her, before Samuel's arms enveloped her into a tight hug.
He knelt beside her, kissing her on the head and rubbing her on the shoulders to calm her down.
"Shh, it's okay," he murmured in his deep voice that so reminded her of Kingsley.
"I'm sorry," she breathed deeply, pulling out her wand and correcting her makeup.
Samuel stood up and pulled her to her feet, keeping hold of her hand. She could feel his worry and uneasiness.
"Are you ok?"
"Yes, yes," she brushed him off lightly. "Just a stupid row, nothing major I'm just feeling all emotional today, it must be Christmas and everything."
Samuel didn't say anything, but he pulled her into another hug, his huge arms wrapping tightly around her back. She melted into his wide chest and closed her eyes.
"If you need to talk to someone, you know I am always here for you, okay?"
She nodded against his jumper and then forced herself to pull away, braving a small smile.
"I'd better get back or we'll be ordering pizza for tea."
Samuel did his best to chuckle, but she saw it didn't reach his eyes.
She did her best to laugh and joke at dinner for Max, but she was very glad to retire to her room that night, opting to sleep there alone, rather than face that sad, disappointment in his eyes once again.
…
When she arrived back in her quarters at Hogwarts the next morning, a dark blue potion was waiting for her in her living room. She didn't think or hesitate as she swallowed it all and vanished the vial.
True to what she had said, they didn't speak of what had happened. They pretended everything was fine, they marked work together and had normal conversations, but there was still a lingering tension beneath the surface that worried her. She was so aware that every day could be their last that it made everything so much worse.
The final day before the end of the holidays found them both sitting around the oval table in the staff room, as Albus and Minerva briefed all of the teachers on the new term. The list of students who wouldn't be returning to Hogwarts was depressingly long, and Minerva explained how she had contacted over twenty other families to convince them that Hogwarts was safe.
Serena' eyes had automatically found Severus' at that, and that had both shared a knowing glance.
As Albus droned on about OWLS and NEWTs, Serena took a deep breath and met Severus' dark eyes again. He looked at her immediately.
She slowly forced her mind to open and pressed gently against his defences.
He narrowed his eyes and broke the connection, glancing carefully around the room, his black hair sweeping down to hide his face. Then, his eyes met hers again and he dropped his guard.
We need to talk. The message she sent him sounded quiet in her mind, but she wanted it to be a peace offering and not an order.
Here? Don't be ridiculous.
Not here you dunderhead, she scoffed. Meet me in the forest afterwards. Where we usually run.
He closed the connection abruptly and turned his head away from her, a look of utter disinterest on his face. She knew he'd be there, though, this was too important to both of them.
After an unusually long meeting, she passed by her rooms to get her thick cloak and strolled out over the snow-covered grounds.
Severus was already waiting for her.
His eyes were wary, but when she slipped her gloved hand into his, they softened.
"Why don't we walk the route we usually run?" she asked, releasing his hand and turning towards the path around the back of the lake.
They walked side-by-side for a few minutes, their boots crunching in the snow.
"Do you think you could explain to me what happened?" she asked eventually, her voice soft and gentle.
He didn't reply as they walked steadily through trees and over small rocks, the lake frozen in parts to their left.
When she glanced up at his face she could see that wariness was back.
"Would you like me to go first?"
He cleared his throat. "That would be preferable," he replied tautly.
She nodded, wondering where on earth she should begin. She had taken enough time over the last week to reorganise her thoughts and to try and understand why she had reacted in such a way, and she was ready to have the conversation now, as difficult as it may be.
"There was a time," she began quietly, her eyes on the lake. "When I imagined my future… I could see myself with- with Kingsley, in a house with our children… and that future seemed magical to me… I'd come from so far, struggled to even allow myself such thoughts, or to trust anyone with them, and that future suddenly seemed possible."
Severus jaw had clenched, but she turned her gaze back to the lake, she knew that this wouldn't be easy for either of them.
"Then Kingsley was killed and that future was gone as surely as he was… I never in a million years imagined I would fall in love again.
"And then… when I realised how I felt about you, I knew we could never have that future, but it didn't matter to me, because just having you was more than enough. Between your position as spy and the dangers in our life at the time… I accepted that we would never have children, even if, I think, deep down, some ounce of hope inside me could picture us together, safe and far away from here, and maybe, just maybe with little, black-haired kids running around…"
When she looked up at Severus he had deliberately turned his face away from her and she looked back to the lake, trying to ignore the burning that had started in her throat.
"When the Dark Lord came back… well, even that ounce of hope disappeared, and, honestly, since Lavinia was born, I have made complete peace with not having children. I took those thoughts and I buried them deep in my mind palace, and I haven't thought about it in a very long time. I don't need children, I have Vinnie and Max, and you.
"And now… now, it's not even a need, it's that I don't want children. Not now, not in this world, not in these situations. I love Vinnie with my whole heart, but when I look at the world she is growing up in, and when I think about all the prejudices she will face because of who her Father is… it breaks my heart. So, that's why I freaked out. I don't want children, and I didn't think you did either, and feeling the intensity of your magic, it made me panic and I was confused… and as much as I may try to hide all of that, this time I need an explanation."
Severus didn't speak for almost five minutes, but she waited patiently. They weren't even halfway around their usual route yet. She listened to the sound of the crunching snow and the occasional birds flying out of the forest, re-playing her words in her head and making sure she had said everything she needed to.
"It wasn't a conscious decision," he said eventually, his voice rough and gravelly. "I didn't even realise until afterwards… that is to say… the words, I knew… but the magic… it wasn't conscious."
She nodded, remembering his look of shock in the kitchen.
"I…" she saw his fists clenching and unclenching but knew she could do nothing to reassure him. "We can't have children, I am in full agreement with your reasoning, and I have never wanted any. The thought… the thought repulsed me. My own disastrous childhood only confirmed this idea, and I had never given it much thought until I met you.
"I knew you wanted children, but, never having understood the deepness of such a pull, when you told me you fully accepted not having any, I was reassured and believed you."
"It was the truth," she interrupted calmly.
He nodded. "I believe it was. However… after the birth of Lavinia… things began to change."
She shook her head, "they didn't, that's what I said to you, it's enough for me to be Vinnie's aunty-"
"For me," he interrupted quietly. "Things began to change, for me."
She felt her stomach clench, stunned.
"Seeing you with her… seeing how natural everything was for you, how happy you are when you are around her, how much she loves you… For over a year now, I have been imagining a future where it is our child in your arms, our child that loves you… That somehow, perhaps, after this war, if we both live, we could run away and have a house in the country and fill it with… well…"
It was Serena's turn to hide her face. Tears streamed uncontrollably down her cheeks as she imagined this wonderful future he had imagined for them. How she wanted to give him such a life, how she longed to make him happy in this way.
"Obviously," Severus said in a slightly harder voice. "I would never have voiced this aloud to you, really it is a stupid and whimsical vision of life, and had I heard it from your own lips I would have silenced you, I am obviously aware that I could never be a Father, it would be cruelty imposing such a thing on a child. I suppose that such hidden feelings came to the surface last week when I saw you with Max and, combined with the fierce sense of protection I have for you, and gratitude after what happened with Albus, I-"
"Severus," she interrupted quietly, stopping in her tracks and grabbing hold of his hand again.
He seemed slightly startled by the tears on her face, but his own eyes were as tormented as hers, it seemed.
"Severus," she repeated in almost a whisper. "You would be a wonderful Father. Do you realise how amazing you are with Lavinia and Max? Children are so void of judgement, they see you for who you really are. Max respects you, and Vinnie is comforted by you… This vision you have of our future sounds so incredible… and, if I am able to give it to you, then I would be the happiest woman in the world… but… that life is so out of reach to us-"
"I'm not stupid," he snapped, but she could see how soft his eyes were.
"I was so scared of being pregnant the other day because I couldn't even imagine raising a child without you, and certainly not in this world… So… why don't we put this magical idea of yours on hold for a while… Let's get through this war and hope that we find each other again on the other side of it… And then… maybe then, we can be that family."
Severus kissed her. She laughed and cried at the same time as his lips met hers and she felt the intensity of his joy and love. He was happy. This idea made him happy and just that thought made her heart swell twice its size.
When he pulled away they were both breathless and flushed.
"I love you," she said softly, squeezing his hand.
"And I love you," he said in a low voice, planting another kiss on her forehead.
Serena felt all of the tension leave her body. All was well again. Well, almost.