December came swiftly to Hogwarts, bringing with it a lot of cold air and snow. Freddie spent more and more time preparing for the upcoming Potions Championship, tackling every challenge that Snape could come up with for her. When it seemed like he was running out of ideas for challenges in the Room of Requirement, he set her to brewing insanely complicated potions that requirement almost constant attention. One Thursday during her private lesson with him, Snape gave her a stack of 500 flashcards. About half of them had a potion on the front with it's usage, dosage, and contraindications on the back. The other half were pictures of potion ingredients, mostly plants that she was expected to identify by sight, with the name – both common and Latin – on the back, along with the effects of the plant.
"Flashcards?" she asked doubtfully when he'd given them to her.
"Don't question the classics," he warned. "Flashcards are a tried and true study method. Even Muggles use them."
"Oh, well, if Muggles use them," she said teasingly.
"You think you're better than my flash cards, little girl? Let's go through them."
"Right now?"
"Right now," he said, reaching across his desk to take the cards from her. "Let's see how many you get right."
"Piece of cake," she said confidently.
An hour of flash cards later her confidence was gone. It had been replaced by a pounding headache and a feeling of inadequacy she'd never experienced, not when it came to Potions.
"Oh my god, am I an idiot? How have you taught me all these years?" she asked, rubbing her temples and putting her head down on his desk.
"You are not an idiot. You just need to study," he said, sounding somewhat amused. She looked up but didn't lift her head as he pushed the stack of cards back towards her.
"What I need is something for a headache," she said, turning her face away from the cards.
"You know where the tonic is."
"Not gonna tell me to go to the Hospital Wing?"
"Like that's ever stopped you before," he said wryly.
She got up and went into the Brewing Lab, to the closet where they kept some potions as well as ingredients. She got the headache tonic off the shelf and, after thinking about it a moment, grabbed a vial of Baruffio's Brain Elixir as well. It was a good potion for concentration and while it was forbidden to use in any sort of tournament, she didn't see any harm in taking it to help study.
She uncorked the headache potion and took a swig before walking back into the outer office.
"Can I take this?" she asked, holding up the brain elixir. He looked up to see what it was.
"Not during the tournament. They will check your blood for illicit substances before you compete."
"No, I know," she said quickly. "Just for studying."
"I suppose. You did help brew it so, yes, you can take the bottle. Just be careful – don't take it on days where you have tests in any of your classes and don't take it after 5 o'clock or you'll be up all night."
"Yes sir," she said, dropping the bottle into her bag for later.
"We have about 45 minutes left in your study period. Do you want to run through the cards again? We can probably get through most of them before the bell."
She made a face at him and he smirked. She really didn't want to go through the cards again right now. She still felt like an idiot.
"Will these really help me win the championship?" she asked dubiously, regarding the stack of cards like a poisonous spider.
"You never know. They might," he said, nudging the cards towards her but she still didn't pick them up.
"I'll learn them. I will," she promised. "Just...I don't want to go through them again right now. They made me feel really stupid."
"They're just cards, Winifred. You are not stupid. I wouldn't waste my time with you if you were."
"Thanks," she muttered, not totally reassured. She slumped down in her chair with a sigh.
"Why don't we take a break?" he suggested. She jerked her head up to look at him, shocked.
"Who are you and what have you done with Severus Snape?" she asked incredulously. "You never suggest taking a break before a class period is over."
"You have been working hard, you've tackled every challenge I've thrown at you, and you've done well."
"Until now you mean. Damn flash cards," she said bitterly.
"I think you need a break," he said decisively.
"And what would you suggest I do on this break?"
"We could go for a walk outside. The cool air will help clear your head and focus your mind."
"You're coming with me?" she asked, even more surprised.
"How else would I make sure you are taking your break properly?" he asked lightly. He got up from his chair and retrieved his cloak. Freddie stood and got her own rumpled cloak from where she'd dumped it in the chair. She had to scooch Ziggy off of it and he looked up at her questioningly.
"We're going outside, are you coming? There's snow."
The little kneazle's opinion of snow seemed to change frequently. Sometimes he liked playing in it and sometimes he wouldn't go out in it at all. Today he didn't seem interested and he resettled himself in the chair.
"Guess it's just us then," she said to Snape as she fastened her cloak. He reached past her to pick up the stack of flash cards and he pocketed them. "Really?" she asked.
"You never know, we might need them," he said loftily.
"This isn't an elaborate form of studying involving some sort of snow torture is it?"
"That was not the plan," he said, holding the door open for her. "But now that you mention it, I'm sure I could come up with something."
Classes were still in session so the grounds were deserted as they made their way out of the castle. Even those who had a free period weren't outside. There was a thick layer of snow on the ground already and the sky overhead was cloudy with the promise of more snow to come. The air was chilly and her breath made little clouds ahead of her face as she followed Snape out. She was wearing her dragonhide jacket under her fur-lined cloak and she zipped it up for extra warmth.
"Where are we going?" she asked, a step behind him as he trekked through the snow.
"We are going nowhere, Miss Gray. We are just walking. Taking in the fresh air."
"The cold air," she muttered, pausing a moment. He watched as she pulled out her wand and put a water-repelling charm on her boots so the snow wouldn't seep in. He looked amused as he waited for her.
"I like the cold. You do not?" he asked as they continued walking aimlessly.
"It's alright I guess. I like it better if I'm somewhere with a warm fire or a bottle of something strong to drink to keep me warm – preferably both."
His expression grew thoughtful and he looked at his watch, then quickly scanned the grounds. There was no one around. Even Hagrid was indoors with smoke coming from the chimney of his hut in the distance.
"Perhaps I can provide one of those things. Follow me," he said, quickening his pace with a new determination.
"I've been following you," she pointed out.
"Hush. Keep your eyes open."
"For what?"
"People."
We're the only ones crazy enough to be out in this, she thought to herself.
Well you are more than welcome to return to the castle, if that's what you really want, said Snape's voice in her head, teasing her.
No! I want to know where we're going, what we're doing out here.
It's a surprise. It wouldn't be any fun if I told you, now would it?
Well I wouldn't know that unless you told me now would I? She asked, mimicking his tone. He glanced back at her with a smirk, but said nothing. She no longer felt his presence in her mind but that didn't mean he wasn't there. She'd thought it would get easier to detect him entering and withdrawing from her mind as frequently as he did, but instead it was getting harder. She'd tried to work on keeping her Occlumency up all the time until it was secondhand, but she'd let it lapse the last couple of weeks that she'd been working so intensely on her potions work. Not just the challenges he gave her but the potions she'd been brewing to sell to her classmates. She used the Brewing Lab most of the time when she knew Snape was busy and wouldn't be there. He knew what she was doing, of course, it had been his idea. But he'd made it clear he couldn't outright approve of it as her Head of House so she tried to keep her personal brewing out of his face. She'd even started brewing in her dormitory sometimes. And she'd made a tidy profit, with Amelia's help, brewing everything from birth control to concentration brews. She'd basically been working on potions every spare moment she had. She was reminded of something that she used to say to Daniel "I eat, sleep, and breathe potions!" and she smiled sadly.
And that was when it hit her, all at once, like a ton of bricks. It had been almost a year to the date that Daniel had disappeared. Not only that but it looked like Snape was leading her directly into the Forbidden Forest.
It was a shock to her system, realizing Daniel had been gone for an entire year, and she broke out in a cold sweat. She felt frozen to the spot, she couldn't make her feet follow Snape into the forest. It took him a moment to realize she was no longer on his heels and he quickly turned back to her.
"Winifred?" he said, then he saw the expression on her face and doubled back to her. "Winifred, what's wrong?"
He really wasn't in her mind or he would already know. She had to say it.
"D-Daniel," she said, her teeth chattering. She pulled her cloak around her body like it would help, but it wasn't the cold she was feeling.
"We've been into the Forest before. You know I won't let anything happen to you," he assured her. He touched her arm gently and she jerked away without meaning to. His touch had startled her and it had felt...too comforting. She wasn't sure she wanted to be comforted. She'd been so busy recently, she hadn't thought about what time of year it was, she hadn't spared so much as a thought to Daniel recently that she could recall. She felt overwhelmed with guilt and sadness. She made herself keep walking into the forest. She wanted to see, she needed to see it again.
This time she felt Snape's consciousness slip into her own as she walked into the trees. She knew he was feeling what she felt, that he knew what she was thinking, but he did not say anything. She was glad that he didn't say anything. She could feel his concern and affection for her clearly and she was glad for that too, in a way.
She walked along the edge of the forest, staying inside the trees, her feet leading her to the spot Daniel had disappeared. The very last place she'd seen her best friend. Snape followed her, a silent shadow.
She found herself turning slow circles in the snow, kicking up mounds of fallen leaves and snow like they might be hiding some clue. Her heart was pounding and she thought that, at any moment, she would hear the screaming in her head, the screaming she'd first heard outside of Azkaban prison...but it didn't come. Whether it was Snape's presence in her mind keeping her demons at bay or what, she didn't know. She tried to be grateful for it but a part of her wanted to hear Daniel's voice. To feel connected to him, somehow, to feel that he was not completely gone.
She felt a sob catch in the back of her throat and she tried to stop it from coming out. She didn't succeed. Snape's arms were around her in an instant, enveloping her in his warmth. Tears burned in her eyes then blinded her as he led her gently away. She stumbled slightly but he kept her close to him, kept his arms around her so she wouldn't fall.
"Shhh. It's okay. You're okay," he murmured softly.
"It's n-not okay!" she sobbed, trying to jerk away from him but he held her tight. "It's not okay. Daniel's not okay! He's not okay, he's gone. He's gone and that's not okay!"
"You're right, I'm sorry," he said softly. "Of course it's not okay. It's just one of those things people say to be comforting."
"How the hell is that supposed to be comforting?" she demanded, tears streaming down her face. "A lie is supposed to be comforting?!"
"I don't know," he admitted. He held her for a moment as she tried to get her sobs under control. She hated herself for breaking down now so easily, like the last year hadn't happened at all. The pain was just as fresh as it had been last December.
"It happens," Snape murmured, kissing her forehead. "For me it has been nearly a decade and sometimes it's still-" He stopped abruptly and didn't finish his sentence, but she knew what he meant. He hadn't said her name but she knew exactly what he meant. She was so surprised to hear him share something about Lily aloud that she stopped crying. She wiped her face on his chest and he pulled his cloak around her, holding her close to him for a moment longer.
"Come on," he coaxed gently. "Come with me."
She let him lead her just a little ways deeper into the forest. He seemed to be searching and when he spotted a fallen log he led her to it. He used his wand to clear away the snow.
"Sit down," he said quietly. "I am going to make a fire."
Freddie took her cloak off and draped it across the log before sitting on it. She didn't even notice the cold without the extra protection of her fur-lined cloak, she was too numb from emotion. Grief and pain and confusion and guilt all swam in her mind. She tried to force them out with her Occlumency but wasn't having much luck. Her negative emotions were too strong and that frustrated her. She was supposed to be able to use her Occlumency, no matter how powerful her emotions were.
"What is wrong with me?" she muttered under her breath. Snape was clearing a spot near the log and he paused a moment to look at her but didn't answer her question. She guessed he didn't know either. He finished clearing away snow and brush, then used his wand to light a small bonfire just a few feet from where she sat. The fire gave off intense warmth but no smoke.
Freddie started shivering and Snape quickly joined her on the log.
"Are you cold?" he murmured, putting his arm around her and pulling part of his cloak around her too. She leaned into his body but shook her head. She wasn't cold.
"A y-year," she managed to say, her teeth chattering again. "It's been a whole year already and I didn't even notice. I've been so busy the last few weeks I didn't even think about the fact that my best friend has been gone...for an entire year. ...I haven't even thought about him in d-d-days." She felt tears threaten again when she admitted it aloud and she swallowed heavily.
"You have been buried in your work. It is understandable."
She shook her head again. It wasn't understandable. It was an excuse. She was a bad friend. Daniel deserves better. Maybe if I'd been a better friend, maybe if he'd been out here that day with Heather or Geck or literally anyone else...
"Hey," Snape said softly, but she couldn't bring herself to look at him. "You were – are – his best friend. You cared for him, deeply. You would not be feeling this way now if you didn't. ...And he cared for you, too. It was obvious. The two of you were practically joined at the hip. Ever since your very first Potions class, when I tested your Pompion Potion on Mr Byrd."
Freddie couldn't help but chuckle at the memory, though her heart ached. She wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her jacket.
"I can't believe you remember that," she said with a watery smile.
"A first year brewing their very first potion so flawlessly is always a memorable experience."
She smiled a little wider and felt a rush of pleasure at the praise. Then she felt guilty for having a good feeling. Her smile faded as her negative thoughts started cycling through her brain again.
"I will not pretend to know Mr Byrd as well as you did, but... you have been so focused these last few weeks, so determined, because you want to win this Championship. I think that he would understand completely. He would want you to win, would he not?"
"Yeah," Freddie said slowly then let out a weak chuckle. She could only imagine how enthusiastic Daniel would be, insisting that she'd won before it ever started. She was the Potion's Princess, after all. And he'd probably make a spectacle of seeing her off, with balloons and fireworks too if he could get away with it. "Yeah, he would."
Snape was quiet a moment then he pressed a kiss on top of her head. He rested his chin on top of her head and inhaled softly.
"If he cared about you even half as much as I do, he would not want you to feel like this," he murmured against her hair. He spoke so softly she almost couldn't hear him. But she did. And she was touched. She didn't know what to say at first. She felt a lump of emotion rise in her throat again, but this one wasn't bad.
"Thank you," she whispered, burying her face in the crook of his neck. "...I think I really needed to hear that."
She wanted to tell him she loved him, but she knew better. She didn't want to ruin this moment. He hugged her tighter against his body.
"I know," he murmured and pressed another kiss into her hair. "I know..."