Freddie really didn't want to go back to the castle. She didn't want to leave the log or the fire or Snape's comforting embrace. But they had to go back. Snape had one more class to teach before the end of the day. She had a study period, thankfully. She didn't think she could sit through another class when she felt like this.
Snape kept his arm around her shoulders until they got close to the edge of the forest. He squeezed her lightly before letting his arm fall to his side. They stepped out of the trees to find that it had begun snowing lightly. Freddie sighed and looked up at the dark sky as they started towards the castle across the grounds.
"...So the Potions Championship will take place over winter break, right?" she asked after a minute.
"A few days before Christmas, yes. You know that already," he said, sliding a curious glance her way. "Why?"
"Just thinking."
"About what?"
"Well, more like wishful thinking," she said and looked around to double check they were alone before she continued quietly. "...I was wishing that we could go back to Spinner's End for the break. So we could have more time together."
"We will have plenty of time together training before the tournament."
"You know what I meant," she said, rolling her eyes at him. She felt her cheeks grow warm as he gave her a little smirk.
"I do know what you mean and I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about it. Considered having you spread the word you were going home with your friend for the winter break...then keeping you all for myself," he said softly and her blush deepened. "But it is not practical. It will not be long before we have to leave for the tournament. We need the time to practice and there are far more resources available to us at Hogwarts."
"I figured as much," she said, but she couldn't help feeling disappointed.
"I know," he said with a slight nod of his head. "But it will be fine. From what I've seen so far the castle will be practically empty over the break. Very few students have put their names down to stay."
She nodded but said nothing. It didn't matter how empty the castle was she knew he would maintain the boundary between them within the castle walls. What she wanted to do over break couldn't happen at Hogwarts.
"You have a free period, would you like to assist in my third year class?" he asked as they drew closer to the castle.
"Not today," she said, shaking her head. "I have an essay for McGonagall that's due tomorrow and homework for Flitwick, too. Not to mention my essay for your class, which is almost done. You guys really like to pile it on right before the holidays, you know?"
"I do know. ...I am sorry our walk around the grounds was not as relaxing for you as I had hoped."
"It's okay. You had good intentions. It's the thought that counts, right?" she said with a lopsided smile. "I appreciate it – and what you said. I needed to hear it. It helped."
"I am glad," he said quietly.
The bell clanged loudly, signaling the end of the class period. In moments the halls would be swarming with students making their way to their next classes or back to their Common Rooms to study. Freddie grimaced slightly, not wanting to traverse the crowds – then remembered she did not have to. She gave Snape a quick grin and was about to transform when he stopped her.
"Wait," he said, knowing exactly what her grin meant. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the stack of flashcards. Freddie's face fell slightly and he dropped them into the pocket of her robes. "Wouldn't want to forget these."
"That would be a tragedy," she said sarcastically, then slipped effortlessly into her Animagus form. She had managed to perfect that in the last few weeks and her clothes would be on her when she merged back.
"I'll see you later?" he asked as she bounded through the snow towards the entrance. She looked back at him and bobbed her head. Yes, she thought, pushing the thought at him. Yes, definitely. She pushed as much affection as she could along with it and she saw him smile and incline his head.
Freddie went on ahead of him into the castle, much faster on four legs than he was on two. Her mood had improved significantly with her transition. She skirted the horde of students moving through the Entrance Hall and slipped into the dungeons. She had done some exploring in the castle in her Animagus form before and she knew that it was almost as good as being invisible. People didn't pay attention to cats roaming the castle and that's what they thought she was. Very few people knew otherwise – Snape, of course, and Amelia, as well as McGonagall and Dumbledore. But she didn't see any of them today and no one paid her any mind as she trotted down the dungeon corridor towards the Common Room.
She sat patiently outside the hidden entrance to the Common Room for a few minutes, waiting to see if anyone else would come and give the password. She was still waiting when the bell rang again. The hallway was deserted so she shifted back to her human form and gave the password herself.
A few 6th and 7th years were scattered around the Common Room, using their study period for homework or reading. There was no goofing off here, not with the way the teachers had been piling work on them. Everyone was hard at work and she could practically feel the tension in the air and she crossed silently to her dormitory.
She was pleased to find the dormitory empty. It was always easier to work without people around. She walked over to her bed and stopped short when she realized what was missing. Her book bag with all of the books she needed was still in Snape's office. And so was Ziggy.
"Dammit," she said aloud. She didn't want to walk all the way back down there just yet. There was something else she wanted to do first, something she'd thought of in the forest. She opened her trunk and dug around until she found the enchanted silver box she'd gotten at Borgin and Burke's, the one she kept her letters to Daniel in. She ran her fingers absently over the Celtic design then opened the box. The password-protected diary she'd gotten the same day as the trinket box was inside, on top of folded pieces of parchment that were her first letters to Daniel.
She pulled the curtains around her bed for privacy and sat cross-legged on her bed with the box. She took the journal out and set the box aside. She whispered the password she'd chosen for the journal – 'Potion's Princess', the nickname Daniel had bestowed on her – and opened it. She flipped through the pages of letters she had written to him, the last of which was dated early in November, when she was working on becoming an Animagus. She hadn't even written to tell him when she'd finally transformed.
She did so now. She got a self-inking quill and she lay across the bed on her stomach to write a long letter to Daniel. She told him about the Animagus thing first, detailing everything that had happened the night she had transformed and about registering at the Ministry. Then she told him about the upcoming Potions Championship.
You'd be so proud of me, I know you would. You'd say "Of course you'll win, you're the Potions Princess. You won't even break a sweat. Those other kids will go home crying cuz you're a rock star with a golden cauldron" or something like that. And maybe if you were here to say that, I'd believe it. Most of the time I do believe it, I'm almost confident that I'll win, but sometimes...like today...I worry that I won't be good enough. That I'll fail and just end up embarrassing myself – and worse, embarrassing Severus. I'm his apprentice, the first apprentice he's ever taken, and my performance will reflect on him as much as me. I don't want to disappoint him, I CAN'T disappoint him. I've been working like crazy, practicing and studying and doing all these challenges he comes up with for me. I've gotten through them all so far. Some of them are easy but there's been times when I fumbled and only finished through sheer dumb luck. Today was just a bad day and I've been doubting myself...even Severus could see it and he told me to take a break. Can you believe it? The hard-ass professor who never lets up on his students for a single moment told me to take a break. Maybe I'm in worse shape than I thought...or he was just doing something nice.
He's been doing more of that lately. There are more tender moments, more soft and sweet comments, and less snark, at least when we are alone. He is opening up to me more and he's said things I never thought he would... He cares about me. He's told me that several times. I know that he loves me, I've felt it from his mind, but he won't say that word. Maybe he never will.
I worry about what will happen after I graduate. I've been brewing extra potions to sell to my housemates – why did we never think of that before? You could have been my liaison for Ravenclaw and I'd cut you in on the profit. We could have been rolling in galleons if we'd started this years ago. Anyway I've made good money off my housemates and I'll have enough to get an apartment in London when I graduate but...I'm still secretly hoping he'll ask me to stay. And what will happen if he doesn't? Will he come visit me at my apartment, will we have an actual relationship? Would he visit me at my job at St Mungo's, take me to lunch or dinner on the weekends, maybe sleep over sometimes? ...Or will it all be over the moment I graduate?
She paused a moment to think about it, chewing on the end of her quill as she tried to imagine how he would end things if he did. Would he just disappear from her life completely? She didn't like to think about it and it was making her feel even sadder than before so she pushed the thoughts away and put her quill back to the paper.
I went out into the Forest today and I thought about you. Her quill left an inkblot in the journal as she took a deep breath, feeling all those thoughts come rushing back and she was frozen for a moment. She forced herself to continue. It's been almost a year that you've been gone. Her hand was shaking so bad the sentence was barely legible. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Daniel. I'm sorry I haven't been able to find out what happened. I've done everything I can think of to find you – everyone has. Teachers, Dumbledore, those people from the Ministry who came out here last year, I think they were Aurors. Even the centaurs looked for you and they would know if you were in the forest for sure. Maybe we never went into the forest. Maybe there was someone else on the grounds, someone that took you away or She stopped again, not wanting to finish the sentence.
I just wish that you'd come back. Or that I at least knew what happened to you...
I'm sorry that I haven't written to you in weeks. I'll try to write more often. I've been completely absorbed in training for this championship thing and I haven't even thought about it. I'm sorry for that...but I know Severus is right. You would forgive me – you always do – and you would want me to win this. And you wouldn't want me to feel sad or guilty. Especially not feel guilty about any good things that have happened in the last year. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve it, I don't deserve to be happy or to feel comfort when I don't know what happened to you...but you would want me to be happy. Just like Lily would want Severus to be happy. And I know you'd be absolutely thrilled for me about Snape. You'd tease me like mad but you'd be happy for me. You did listen to me 'fawn over him' for years, like you said.
Do you remember our very first Potions class? Apparently Severus does. It was the first time I met you. You were sitting next to me and you hit me in the head with a bouncing bulb. You were trying to squash the wrong end and I told you what to do. At the end of the class Snape tested my potion on you. He told me today that he remembered it because I brewed my first potion so flawlessly. I think he was being kind because that's not exactly how I remember it. I mean I got it right by the end of class – obviously, or your head probably would have exploded instead of turning into a pumpkin. But I remember him criticizing me. He said I crushed the herbs in my mortar "with the strength of a dying pixie" do you remember that? And I had to re-slice my foxglove twice. But his snarky comments only made me want to work harder and I was the only one who got the potion right by the end of class. It was thr first class at Hogwarts that I didn't feel like a complete disaster – my magic was so unwieldy in those days, I had a lot of accidents. But Potions was different. And Severus was different, I knew it from the moment I heard his speech at the beginning of class. I could still quote that speech word for word today if someone asked me to. Just the tone of his voice gave me goosebumps and I was drawn to him immediately...and here I am six years later still fawning over him to you.
She couldn't help but laugh out loud and she was smiling as she finished her letter.
That first class changed my life completely. I found my calling, something that I love to do and am good at. And I met Severus. And I met you. And I'll forever be grateful for that.
I'm going to stop writing now because I've got a ton of NEWT homework to do and like a million flashcards to study – did I mention I really hate flashcards? Anyway I promise to write more frequently in the future...and I promise I'm going to win this Potions Championship, not just for Severus, but for you. Because I know you believe that I can.
I miss you and I'll talk to you again soon,
~Freddie the Potions Princess
She closed the journal and sat back up on her bed. She secured the journal in the trinket box and put it back in her trunk. She felt better now, a lot better. With her confidence renewed she left the dorm and headed down to Snape's office to get her bag so she could get to work.
When Snape came into his office a while later, after cleaning up after his last class, Freddie was sitting at his desk, putting the finishing touches on her essay for McGonagall. She had the record player sitting on the edge of the desk and she was listening to Daniel's Eagles record, singing along periodically.
Snape closed the door behind him and crossed the room. He turned the sound down on the record player but didn't turn it off.
"Hey you," Freddie said, smiling up at him. "I realized that I'd left my books and stuff here earlier so I decided to just work here. It's quieter."
"Quieter is debatable," he said. "When you are blaring music so loud it could shake stones loose from the ceiling. If it wasn't for the charms on my office I suspect I could have heard it from my classroom. The Eagles is not meant to be played that loudly."
"Sorry," Freddie said lightly, rolling up her finished essay. "I hope it's okay that I stayed to work here while you were in class."
"It always is, you know that. ...You seem to be in a better mood," he said a little cautiously.
"I am," she assured him. "I'm sorry that I was...such a mess earlier."
"You are less of a mess than I am," he murmured, then came around his desk to where she was sitting. "I am glad you are feeling better...now get out of my chair."
"Yes sir," she said teasingly, but quickly got up before he decided to dump her out of the chair. She gathered her things and moved it all to the other side of the desk.
"Would you like to have tea before we go up to the Great Hall for dinner?" he asked as he sank into his chair.
"Sure. Do you think you could go over the flash cards with me again while we have tea?"
"You want to do the flashcards?" he asked, surprised.
"Yeah. ...I wrote a letter to Daniel before I came down here to do my homework and it...well it helped me clear my head, I think. I want to do the flashcards, I want to learn every single one of them by heart. Anything that might help me. I want to win," she said determinedly. "I will win."
"Well alright then," he said, seeming pleased. "Let's get started."