Author's Note: TW for depression, emetophobia, and thoughts of self-harm. Also huge thanks to Mayra for the suggestion of Hogsmeade! It really helped me out and made the chapter a hundred times better! Also I want to make it clear I am not saying this sort of thing 'cures' depression it absolutely does not, but sometimes it helps a little bit to have someone else reach out and provide a caring distraction (kinda vague sorry, will make more sense after the chapter). Also if you're going through things please don't hesitate to reach out to someone or seek therapy. There is nothing wrong with needing help!

/\/\/\/\/\

Friday felt like one of the worst days Remus had ever experienced. He supposed it wasn't quite as bad as after the Marauders confronted him about being a werewolf, as he actually went to class this time—but he really didn't want to. If it wasn't right before exams he might have begged Pomfrey to let him stay in the hospital wing while everything from the day before pressed down on him like a huge weight.

Twycross's boggart.

Those strange half-memories.

His own boggart.

Sirius's broken bone.

His nightmares.

Everything swirled together and pushed at everything inside of him, making it difficult to pay attention. He struggled especially hard in Potions, since they were working with loads of ingredients, some of which were very smelly. In addition to the smelliness, they had to use their silver knives at one point which made him feel even worse.

I want to lie down, he thought after class ended, forcing himself to go to Charms only to find it wasn't much better there. Flitwick's words went in one ear and out the other. Exams. Exams are next week. Pay attention, Remus! He tried and failed; too overwhelmed.

He wanted to scream.

He wanted to throw his Charms book and scream and punch something.

The wolf pulsated in his head, stalking back and forth, and he knew if something happened to agitate it he wouldn't be able to hold it back. One wrong step and everything would come crashing down.

Thank Merlin Snape hadn't said or done anything after Potions class!

When the Marauders suggested they have their lunch privately, Remus gladly agreed until they actually hid out in a passageway and he realized they wanted to talk about boggarts. There was a lot of praise for Peter, all them telling him how proud they were, and that they knew he could do it. Peter glowed under the praise. Then they turned their attention to James to make sure he was doing well.

Then…

"Remus?" Sirius slid his gaze to him.

"I—I'm not talking abo—about mine," Remus blurted out. At least words came out instead of sick.

"But we know you're a werewolf," James said.

Remus clutched his fork, resisting the urge to stab himself in the hand to make everything STOP. "I know. I still d-don't want to—to talk about it." It was a miracle that he was able to get coherent English out. "Please. Maybe—maybe someday but it's too… fresh."

Fresh wounds.

After a few seconds of silence they began talking, this time about the other boggarts. The only one they made fun of was Spinnet; Remus couldn't really blame them for that, since Spinnet had been awful about all of them the other day. Then Sirius brought up Twycross's boggart.

"That… was a werewolf, right?" he asked.

"What?" Peter shrieked, dropping his spoon. "What? It was?!"

James and Sirius both gave him looks. "What the hell did you think it was?" James asked rather incredulously.

"Um, a wolf?" Peter hunkered down.

"When have you seen a wolf that big?!" Sirius demanded.

"Yeah, well, when have you seen a snake as big as Spinnet's?!" Peter snapped back. "I thought it was a regular wolf made big 'cause of that, like the snake." Then he looked at Remus. "It was a werewolf?"

Remus had hoped this conversation wouldn't happen, had hoped that somehow Twycross's boggart would have gotten buried with everything else going on. He began plucking at the end of his sleeve. "Um, yes."

"So… Twycross is… afraid of werewolves…" James said slowly, then began snickering a little.

"It—it's a perfectly legitimate fear," Remus said, rather irritated at James's reaction.

"Yes, yes," he agreed, "it's just… a little ironic, isn't it? Especially since you two are in Study Group together."

Stop, please stop, just stop! His chest hurt as it became difficult to breathe, and his vision was going tilty.

"Haven't you said she's given you a bad feeling?" Pete asked.

Remus nodded, trying hard not to let everything yank him into the world of madness. He felt like he was going mad, turning into the Loopy Lupin people called him. It took a few seconds of clenching his teeth together before he managed to respond to Peter.

"Yes. Perhaps that was it." At least it had been one of the girls and not someone in his dorm. Or… one of his friends. Slowly he lifted his gaze, wondering how he would have reacted if one of them had been afraid of werewolves. For a split second he was terrified that that was what Sirius's biggest fear was and that was why he didn't want to show it off… but no, he had seen the basic shape and it had definitely been humanoid and not canine.

"What was that, Petey?" James asked when Peter mumbled.

Peter looked frantically at Remus then back at James. "N-nothing!"

"You said something."

Peter licked his lips. "Er. Um. Well. I, uh… the—the thing is I—I mean, I've never seen one. Like that. A werewolf, I mean," he whispered. "Not a real one. All the books have are paintings."

Sirius reached over and lightly thonked Peter on the head. "I doubt there's much time to get a photo if you come up to a werewolf during the full moon."

"There are photos," Remus said, and they all looked at him. "A—a few. I've seen them, at least. Of… captured werewolves." There was one in the awful book his father made him read, of a werewolf locked up in a cage barely big enough to fit it. The bars on the cage were silver, and in the photograph you could see the werewolf had stripes of burnt flesh from where it bumped up against the bars. In another book there was a similar photograph, only it was a bigger cage and not made of silver.

"They're so big." Peter now gave Remus a long look and Remus knew exactly what was going on in his head. "So. Um. Are, uh—are—are—"

"I don't know how big I am," Remus said, trying to keep the anger out of his voice. Normally he wouldn't mind the questions but it was all he could do to stop himself from chucking his plate at the wall. "Quite large, judging by my—my paw prints."

"How've you seen your own paw prints?" James asked.

Remus felt ready to scream again. "From stepping in my own blood," he replied, sounding a lot terser than he meant to. There was awkward silence then James tried apologizing which made Remus feel worse. "It's fine. I—I'm going to the library—"

"Remus…!"

He scrambled to his feet, grabbing his satchel. "I'll see you in History."

He ignored them calling his name and hurried out of the passage, fully intending on making a run for the library as soon as he emerged into the corridor but as he took a quick step something snagged the back of his sleeveless jumper.

"Remus!" James pulled him back. "For Merlin's sake—"

Remus tried to twist himself free. "I don't want to talk about it right now!"

"That's fine!" James let go of him and he stumbled a bit from the sudden freedom. "We—I, I didn't mean to… be… so insensitive." He began ruffling his hair in an uncomfortable manner. Remus's body tensed and he wanted to smack James's hand away—

Push him away, break his collarbone

"I shouldn't have asked that. I'm sorry, Remus. You had a terrible day yesterday, I should have… thought."

Remus didn't say anything.

They had no idea what kind of day he had.

They would never know, never understand.

Suddenly he felt angry. Fury—at them never being able to understand, at never being able to explain to them, of always being so—so—

Alone.

The anger bled out so quickly he almost collapsed. Alone. Even with friends who knew the truth he felt utterly alone.

"This is where you say 'since when do you think'," James joked, and Remus gave a small smile at that, trying his best not to cry. "I really am sorry."

"It's fine," he sighed, not wanting to continue the conversation, not wanting James to keep going on about his mistake. "I should have… made it clear that I wasn't in much of a mood for that sort of topic."

"No," James said, surprising Remus. "We should have realized. You shouldn't have to tell us you're uncomfortable with something, it's something we should notice ourselves."

That dissolved some of the annoyance inside of him. "Since I try to keep everything hidden, I imagine that might be a difficult task," he said, then flinched as he worried James might think that was a dig at what had happened between them.

James simply smiled. "You know that no matter what we care about you, okay? Don't… forget that. You don't have to keep things hidden from us, if you don't want to."

"Th—thank you…" James gave him a thumbs up then turned to go back into the passage. "I hurt Sirius," Remus said, without even intending to. James hesitated, glancing back over his shoulder. "Last night. He didn't fall. I pushed him."

"You pushed him?"

Remus stared down at his shoes, feeling both glad and sick to be saying this. "I was having a nightmare, he—he tried to wake me up." He reached up, rubbing his own collarbone, wondering why he was even confessing this.

Wondering why he halfway wanted James to start yelling at him.

Wanting James to punch him.

"I hurt him."

"Is… that why you're so upset about the… subject?"

Remus shrugged, wrapping his arms around himself. Then nodded. "Some, yes."

James opened up the secret passage and Remus was afraid he'd either just walk off or else call for Sirius. He didn't do either; instead, he shouted that he'd be back in a moment then he took Remus by the arm and tugged him down the corridor until they were in another passageway. Not a hidden one, but there was only an empty room off this corridor and it was never used, as far as they knew.

"Are you okay?" was the first thing James asked.

It had been stupid to bring this up, and Remus regretted it a little. "Me? Shouldn't you be asking Sirius that?"

James adjusted his glasses. "No. I'm sure Pomfrey healed him up fine. Are you okay?"

"I broke his collarbone, James. I—I broke his bone. I broke my friend's bone, I—he—he doesn't blame me but he should." His nose began burning, and there were prickles of tears forming. "I hurt him."

"Not on purpose."

Remus turned away, wiping at his eyes; why did he have to go and do this?! At least he didn't have any lessons for a little while. "That's not the point—"

"Yes it is." James turned Remus back around. "Bloody hell, you couldn't—you didn't—things like this happen! I could have easily pushed Sirius away in a nightmare."

"You wouldn't have broken his collarbone," Remus snapped.

James shrugged. "How do you know? I'm pretty strong. Not as strong as you, obviously, but it's possible. Or I could have pushed him and he hit his head and gotten worse than a bump."

The same things Sirius had said, pretty much. "Yes but it's different!"

James opened and closed his mouth a few times while Remus waited for him to argue that it wasn't any different. "I know it feels different to you," he said quietly. "I get that. And… I think… when something bad happens it's… ugh, what am I trying to say?!" He wheeled around, pacing. "Remy, bad—bad things are going to happen. Accidents are gonna happen. Whether you're a… or not. It's… okay to feel upset with yourself. I would too, if I had hurt Sirius. In fact, it'd be really weird if you didn't feel bad, yeah? That—doesn't that prove you're not… a bad person? Because you are upset you hurt someone?"

Remus pressed himself back against the wall. Slowly he sank down to the floor, covering his face.

James knelt down in front of him, holding onto his upper arms. "It's okay to be upset you hurt him. It's okay, because you are a good person. And that's what good people do. But please don't think any of us are going to be mad at you for it or blame you for an accident. I definitely don't and since Sirius has been lying out of his arse about what happened I doubt he does too, and if Peter knew I don't think he would either."

It's okay to be upset.

It felt like something loosened inside of him, and some of the guilt dissipated while the tears broke through. He began crying, and James bent forward, hugging him tightly. Remus clutched back, getting James's shirt damp as he cried about hurting Sirius, cried about his boggart, and cried a little about how unfair it was that it felt like he could never have a moment of peace and rest. James didn't say a word, simply held him which was exactly what Remus needed in that moment.

/\/\/\

Remus didn't go to the library. Instead, he retreated to his room once he was done crying, going under his bed for the safety and comfort of his 'den'. James promised not to say a word to the others about what transpired between the two of them which made Remus feel a bit better.

He wasn't able to get any studying done before it was time for History and he did briefly consider simply skipping History… but forced himself to put a clean sleeveless jumper on and head to class. Binns's droning voice got on his nerves, setting his teeth on edge as he took notes. Almost everyone was taking notes since it was the last History lesson before exams, though James and Sirius were stretching out a DragonTail, a gummy sweet notorious for being very stretchy. They were both out of their seats, walking backwards, the sweet being held above everyone's heads.

"Would you stop!" Lily hissed out.

"It's not done yet," James remarked, giving another tug.

The DragonTail decided it was, in fact, done and broke in half. James and Sirius both got smacked by the recoiling gummy and were sent backwards, bright red welts appearing on their faces.

"Honestly, you two deserve it for having no respect," Lily said.

James got to his feet and raised his hand. "Professor?"

Binns trailed off. "Yes, Mr. Planter?"

"What page are we on?"

Binns told him then continued. James slid into his seat, giving Lily a look. "If he can't be bothered with respecting my name, why should I give his lesson any respect?"

"He's our teacher!"

"He shouldn't be."

"Shut up!" Twycross snarled, and James and Lily fell silent.

Remus gave up taking notes about halfway through and instead folded his arms on his desk, burying his face against them. Crying to James had helped a lot. Being told it was okay to feel bad helped a lot. But it didn't take away all the misery, and he couldn't wait for Transfiguration to be over so he could be alone again.

I should be alone forever.

So what if it had been an accident?

His friends covered in the slashes HE gave them…

He could easily kill them. His nightmares were all whispers of what could happen. If he let go for one second…

I should leave, I should leave Hogwarts, I shouldn't be here, it's too risky, too dangerous, too—

"Are you all right?" Lily asked after History was dismissed. "You seemed rather out of it." She hugged her book to her chest as she peered into his face. "You also… really don't look well."

"I—I don't feel well," he admitted. "I'm a little worried I might be… headed towards a relapse."

Lily furrowed her brow. "Are you going to see Madame Pomfrey?"

"I may, after Transfiguration," he said as they left, the Marauders, Colgate, and Inkwood trailing behind them; Sirius and Inkwood were at the back of the group, giggling at one another.

"That would be terrible, right before exams."

Her voice was making his skin crawl. All voices were making his skin crawl. Like he wanted to tear himself apart to stop the feelings. "Yes… er, I don't think I'll be able to make it to Study Group," he added, grateful for a good excuse to miss the session. "If it is, with any luck I'll be better before Monday."

After Transfiguration was over the Marauders escorted him to the hospital wing, where Remus whispered to Pomfrey he was faking it, to throw people off. She allowed him to make use of one of the hospital beds, shooing his friends away since he 'needed rest'. Maybe I can stay here all night, he thought, rolling onto his side as he yanked the blanket up over his shoulders.

He needed to study is what he needed to do, but he couldn't bring himself to get any of his books out of his satchel. When Pomfrey brought him supper and asked about the fact he wasn't reading, he mumbled he wasn't really feeling up to studying. Pomfrey did a few spells to check on him, stating that that made her very worried.

"Can you tell me what's wrong?" she asked.

Remus shrugged. It was a culmination of so many different things, making him feel many different ways. Plus he was so tired of this—of having this happen again, of having to deal with a load of problems revolving around his lycanthropy being dumped on him once more. Of making his friends deal with his problems.

Of being a burden.

Of existing.

"I'm kinda sad?" he offered up.

"Very sad?"

He shrugged again, picking up the fork on the tray. "Tired too."

Pomfrey gave him a rather worrying look. "I see. Well, eat up. I'll be back to check on you in a few minutes."

She disappeared into her office and ten minutes later Professor McGonagall came in, going straight to Pomfrey's office. Remus had a bad feeling about this, and sure enough shortly after both witches were at his bedside. Pomfrey took his tray away and shut the curtains, giving them some privacy even though there wasn't anyone else in the hospital wing at the moment.

"D—did I do something wrong, Professor?"

Professor McGonagall had an uneasy expression that he wasn't sure how to interpret. "Fabian informed me yesterday that you had a difficult… time with your boggart. That you needed to rest here due to the shock. He didn't tell me what your boggart was, do not worry. However I did notice in Transfiguration you seemed rather… quiet and listless. I asked Filius and he said you seemed not to be up to your usual self in Charms this morning."

Remus began plucking at the cover across his lap, terrified he had done something wrong. Was he in trouble? Just what he needed, something else. Maybe this was proof that he didn't belong, that he shouldn't be there. "I'm sorry, Professor. I—I paid attention, I promise I did!" He bent over, picking up his satchel. "I t-took notes—"

McGonagall held up her hand. "You're all right, Remus. I'm not worried about that. I'm worried about you. Usually for children your age boggarts are… I hate to say… simple fears, as that is not true nor are any fears simple. However, I suspect your boggart caused you more distress than most students your age would have to deal with. You… have been through so much more than any child your age. More obstacles, more… suffering and trauma."

"I… I don't understand, Professor."

"I am afraid perhaps having you face your boggart at your age wasn't a good idea," she explained. "Am I correct in assuming it has to do with your condition?"

Remus thought of his bloodied friends and squeezed his hands tightly into fists. "Yes."

McGonagall was silent for several long seconds. Then, "Fabian also informed me one of your classmates has a fear of werewolves." He gave the tiniest of nods in response, and she sighed. "Perhaps a boggart wasn't a good idea—"

"N-no!" He sat upright. "No, it was a g-good lesson. I think—I think the others felt good facing their fears. Especially Peter, he was very proud of himself after. We all were. It was a good lesson, just b-because I didn't—I—maybe I shouldn't have… tried but—but…" He trailed off and she waited. "I didn't expect mine to be… like it was…"

She reached over, resting her hand on his arm. "I'm very sorry you had to go through that. If you'd like to talk about it… or anything… I am here for you."

"Thank you," he said, trying his best to sound as though he meant it. What was there to talk about, though? He didn't want to talk about it. Didn't want to think about it.

McGonagall sat back, adjusted her spectacles as she studied him. "Or I could send a letter to Mythana—to Miss Fawley. Would you like to talk to her?"

Remus shook his head. "I d-don't want to… to talk about anything."

"Sometimes talking about what is going on can help," McGonagall added gently. He shrugged in response to that, feeling guilty now because he didn't want to talk, nor did he know what to talk about! She made a hmmm sound then stood up. "I think I know something that may help."

"Professor?"

"Get up."

Remus blinked several times then slowly got out of bed, not sure what was going on. She had him put his shoes on while she went to talk with Pomfrey, returning with the cloak Remus usually wore when he was being taken to the Whomping Willow. A spike of fear stabbed up inside of him as he was terrified she was taking him there for some reason. But he wrapped it around himself, following her out of the hospital wing and out of the castle. But she didn't take him towards the Whomping Willow; she instead guided him to the front gates. As they approached the gates, Remus noticed Hagrid coming towards them from another direction with a carriage hooked up to a thestral.

"Got yer note, Minerva," he said when he reached them.

"Thank you, Rubeus. We shan't be long."

McGonagall helped Remus into the carriage as Hagrid opened the gates. Soon the two of them were rolling their way along the road through the Forbidden Forest.

McGonagall motioned for him to take the cloak off which he gladly did, since it was really warm out. "P—Professor? Um… wh—what's going on?"

"There are many different approaches to helping someone who has gone through a difficult time, and one of them is a pleasant distraction," she replied. "We're going to the Three Broomsticks."

He stared at her in disbelief, a thousand questions rising to his mouth. It was so blatantly against the rules… Why would she do this? Why was she so nonchalant about doing so? "I'm—I—"

"Don't worry, Mr. Lupin," she reassured him. "It will be fine."

"I… I'm just surprised," he admitted. "It's…" Part of him wanted to make a small joke about hoping his Head of House wouldn't find out about it, but he was too tired, too sad, and too overwhelmed by what was going on to really make jokes. "It w-won't be weird or… seen as… special treatment?"

"The only person I intend on telling other than Poppy and Rubeus is Albus. As far as anyone else knows, you are in the hospital wing due to your chronic illness. Or faking it, for the rest of the staff who know the truth about you."

"But… aren't you busy? With all the exams going on?"

McGonagall looked down her nose, piercing him with her stare. "I am never too busy to help one of my students, Remus. If you do not wish to talk, I am hoping this will help calm your mind a little bit."

She then made light talk about various things as the thestral pulled them towards Hogsmeade; she spoke of a few events from when she was in school, and some of the funnier moments of being a teacher. Remus found himself giggling over some of the stories, and was in a decent mood by the time they arrived in town.

McGonagall helped him out of the carriage and they went straight for the Three Broomsticks. When Madame Rosmerta glanced over, Remus hesitated, terrified she'd say something to reveal he had been there before.

"Minerva," Rosmerta said cheerfully. "What can I do for you?"

McGonagall looked at Remus. "What would you like to drink?"

"Um…" Was 'whatever is cheaper' a good response? "Ch—cherry soda?" He knew that was a little cheaper than butterbeer, at least.

"Gillywater for me, and a cherry soda for Mr. Lupin. Also a platter of your chips."

McGonagall and Remus took seats, Remus feeling very strange about being there with his teacher though she was right: the outing was definitely helping him. McGonagall didn't ask him about his feelings or what had happened. She focused on other things that had nothing to do with him, though they did discuss some of the things he had been learning in Transfiguration. When the chips came he only took a few, but McGonagall encouraged him to eat and before he knew it he finished off the entire plate, apologizing for eating them all. McGonagall sipped her drink, promising him she wasn't hungry and had ordered them for him.

One of the big topics was Remus's third year, and the electives. He expressed again how excited he was to take all of them, and was looking forward to having five new subjects. McGonagall smiled during all this, stating that it was wonderful to have such an eager student. He told her he was most looking forward to Study of Ancient Runes, and a little nervous about Care of Magical Creatures. When she asked why, he glanced around to make sure nobody was nearby.

"Most animals d-don't like me," he whispered. "But I—I think it depends on… how magically… aware they are? I'm just not sure how… they'll react. I guess it's something I should have taken into consideration before going for the class, but I—I really want to take it."

Professor McGonagall nodded. "There is no reason not to take it, and if it turns out to be something you're not comfortable in then you can drop it."

Remus drank the last of his soda, remembering to wipe his mouth off with a napkin instead of his sleeve like he would have with the Marauders. "Hopefully it goes well."

McGonagall paid for everything (which made Remus feel a little guilty) and soon they were in the carriage again, headed back to the school. On the way, she asked him if he had any summer plans. When he said no, she looked a little surprised.

"Not even visiting with your friends?"

Remus looked out at the dark forest passing by. "We like to keep to ourselves," he answered. "My parents and I, I mean. What… what do teachers do? During the summer?"

"Thank my lucky stars I don't live anywhere near Misters Potter or Black," McGonagall said with a straight face, and Remus laughed so hard he almost choked. But she did tell him about her summers which were spent not too far from Hogsmeade; during the summer holidays she rented a little cottage a few miles away.

They discussed books for the rest of the trip until the carriage pulled up through the gates. They got out of the carriage there, not wanting to get out at the front of the castle. Remus pulled the cloak around him again before they went into the castle, back to the hospital wing.

"Th—thank you, Professor," he said as he sat on the edge of his bed, slipping his shoes off. "That…" He wasn't better by a long shot, but it certainly lifted his spirits. "I needed that. A pleasant distraction is a—is helpful."

"I'm glad I could be of help," McGonagall said. "If there is anything you ever need or want to talk about I am here for you."

"Thank you."

She swept out of the hospital wing and Remus slid under the covers, feeling okay enough to pull his schoolbooks out of his satchel to study.