Chapter 147 – Full Circle

Phoenix P.O.V

I was becoming aware of light around me as I left the darkness behind. Blinking my optics slowly, I tried to adjust to the brightness. A shadowy silhouette came into view and hovered over me. I squinted and tilted my helm to the side – immediately regretting it. ''Arrgghhhh!'' I raised my servo slowly and placed it on my helm gently.

''You might feel a bit of discomfort so be careful Phoenix.'' Rachet's amused voice drifted into my audials.

Waking up in the Med Bay with Rachet hovering over me seemed liked something I had done before. ''Hey Rachet, I am having a feeling of DeJa'Vu here. Haven't we done this before?'' Realisation slammed into me as I took in my surroundings. ''Are we back on Diego Garcia?!'' I tried to sit up.

My friend laughed as he gently urged me to lay back down, ''Yes, we are and yes, we have Phoenix. Back when you first awoke as the Phoenix over five years ago in this very room. It would seem we have come full circle.'' His smile faded slightly. ''A lot has happened since then.''

I sighed out loud, ''No shit Sherlock!'' I gave a derisive snort before I mirrored his sad smile. ''The biggest difference is last time I woke up here I was desperate to see Prime,'' Rachet stopped what he was doing, frozen to the spot. ''Now, as much as I want to see him, I don't know how I would react.'' I paused. ''He may not even want to see me after five years apart.'' I turned my helm carefully to look at my friend. ''Where is he anyway Rachet?'' I gave a small snort, ''Hanger 1 no doubt attending one of his many important meetings?'' There was an underlying tone of bitterness in my voice as I had subconsciously hoped against hope Optimus may have possibly wanted to be here when I woke up.

Rachet had a funny look on his face as he glanced between me and off to my right and then back again. ''Ahh, he might be closer than you think Phoenix.'' I shot him a confused look just as another face loomed into view above me, coming to stand by my right-hand side.

My spark stilled and my optics widened in shock and delight as a very handsome, very missed and very loved face with a very serious look upon it, gazed down at me, and a deep baritone voice filled my audials.

''I am right here Phoenix. By your side - where I have wanted to be for over five years,'' He started to raise his servo to bring it to my face but stopped and brought it back down by his side.

I felt my spark twist painfully in its casing and I almost cried out in protest, but I managed to refrain. /Give it time Phoenix – patience – don't assume!/. His optics darted over my face, hope and sadness flickering across them in equal measure.

I ducked my own helm in embarrassment from both his scrutiny and his use of the word wanted. It did not go by unnoticed. It had been my decision to leave Optimus without so much as a goodbye – he had never really had an option in my leaving. I glanced sideways at him, a contrite look on my face that gave way to a coy, half smile. ''So - not in a meeting then?''

Prime's own dermas twisted into a small, wry smile and his optics shone brightly as he looked down upon me. ''It would appear not Phoenix.'' He shifted on his pedes and made to step back. ''But I can leave if you like, if it will make you feel more comfortable..''

''NO!'' I began to sit up and reach for his servo, surprising myself with my sudden outburst and the desperation in my voice.

''Hey! Easy Phoenix! Don't overexert yourself. You've just had some major repairs performed on your helm. Lay back down for pit's sake!'' Rachet's stern tone halted me in my tracks, and I reluctantly lowered my servo back by my side, though my optics never left Prime's.

Prime had frozen on the spot. He was staring intently at the servo I had laid back down beside me. Without saying a word, he took a step forward, reached out and gently, almost cautiously, placed his servo over mine. His optics flicked towards my own, asking a silent question.

In reply, I grasped his servo tightly and gave a small sob at the feeling of his servo against mine. I closed my optics tightly as a wave of longing and relief swept over me. I had thought I would never get to feel this or have this with him again. I even thought at one stage I never wanted it again! /Fool!/.

I opened my optics once more and gazed into his face, into those azure diamonds of his. The same look of longing and relief burned brightly within them. Prime brushed his digit against my servo as he stared at me and I felt my body shiver in response to his caress. /How on Cybertron did you manage to deny yourself this for so long?/.

My smile spread across my face and I brushed my own digit against Prime's larger servo, noting with delight the way he reacted to my touch. ''What I meant to say was, I would rather you didn't go Optimus. If that's alright with you?'' I had a teasing smile upon my dermas as I looked up at him.

Prime's broad chest rose and fell as he cycled air through his intakes. He took an almost imperceptible step closer towards me, as if trying to banish any remaining distance between us. His optics gleamed down at me and the corner of his dermas curved up into a crooked smile. ''Oh, I think I can manage that Phoenix.''

All I could do was stare at him and smile. I was deliriously happy. I felt such longing within me I thought I would surely burst trying to contain it, yet an icy cold sliver of fear stabbed at me. I was excited, yet nervous. So many emotions coursing through me, I felt overwhelmed in deciding which to cling to.

There was a loud cough off behind us and we both turned to look at Rachet. We had been so caught up in each other, we had forgotten he was here. Our medic and dear friend had a lop-sided grin on his dermas and his own optics shone brightly as he took in the scene before him. Rachet had been my sounding board during my five-year absence, no doubt Prime's too, a lifeline of sorts that helped us weather the storm of separation. Judging by the smile on his face, I'd guess we weren't the only ones who had hoped this day would finally come. Rachet smiled at us. ''I'll leave you two alone and see that you are not disturbed for a few joors. Though Prime, you do have a meeting to attend to later.''

Prime nodded at Rachet. ''Thank you Rachet, that would be greatly appreciated.'' I could not take my optics off Prime.

Rachet smiled at us both as he turned to leave the Med Bay, pausing briefly. He turned his gaze back towards me, ''For what it is worth, it is so good to have you back Phoenix and so good to see you both together again.'' I tore my gaze off Prime for a moment and nodded at him. He gave a quick nod of his helm in reply and pushed through the exit doors to the Med Bay.

We were finally alone – together.

''He's right you know,'' Prime's deep baritone voice rumbled above me and I drank it in. ''It is so very good to have you back Phoenix - and to be together.'' His other servo left his side and he brought it up to gently cup my face.

Fire and ice burned through me at the contact, and I gasped out loud as my spark pulsed rapidly within its casing. /Seriously?! After five years apart, and all we have gone through, my spark still seeks to join with his almost straight away?!/. I suddenly became very conscious of Prime's proximity to me, the warmth of this touch, his penetrating gaze and I flinched. I was overwhelmed. /From nothing to everything!/.

Prime stilled immediately at my reaction and released both of his servos, stepping back from me. I gave a small groan at the sudden lack of contact between us. ''I.. I am sorry Phoenix. Forgive me, I should not have assumed...'' Prime's optics rapidly flicked over my face as he clenched his servos by his side. ''I should not have rushed you. I just…'' I could almost hear the barriers slamming into place as he rushed to protect himself.

I shook my helm as I tried to sit forward and move towards him, and again, I regretted it. ''Ahhh!'' A sharp intake of air through gritted denta as I rode out the wave of pain had Optimus hovering over me.

''Phoenix! Are you okay? Rachet said…'' Prime was torn between guiding me to lie down again and keeping his distance. It was amusing to watch.

I gave a small snort, ''I know what Rachet said Prime!'' I continued to slowly bring myself up into a sitting position on the gurney and carefully, very carefully, turned myself about so I could sit with my legs hanging off the side. I was facing Prime as he stood before me – a worried expression plastered on his face. ''Optimus,'' I spoke softly reaching for one of his servos.

After a spark beat, he obliged and gently grasped the proffered servo. I sighed out loud, both at the contact and at the misunderstanding between us. Raising my optics, I looked into his and smiled reassuringly at him. ''You do not have to aplogise for your actions just now because, despite what you may think, I do feel the same way as you. It's just…'' I furrowed my optics as I tried to think of how to say what I wanted to say.

Prime squeezed my servo and flashed me a knowing smile, ''We need to walk before run Phoenix.''

The smile spread across my face as I recalled these same words being spoken to me over five years ago when I had first become the Phoenix, and when Prime and I were on the cusp of expressing our feelings to each other. I laughed. ''I hated the thought then, and I hate it now Prime, but I think it would be a wise choice given - everything.'' My smile faded as I recalled the past five years, and I felt my shoulders slump with the knowledge it was my choice to leave him. He had wanted me to stay but I just couldn't see how I could or even if I should, given the circumstances. I thought leaving was my only option. I thought I was doing what was best for everyone but perhaps, I had been wrong.

I was suddenly overcome with shame and guilt at my actions, and I looked away, unable to look him in the optics. I removed my servo from his grasp and wrapped them around my waist. ''Optimus, I'm sorry. I am so sorry. I just… I just left you. I didn't even say… I couldn't… it hurt so… I just…'' I closed my optics tightly as I fought to calm myself and the raging emotions within me.

Prime stood there – waiting. He did not interrupt. He did move to offer me comfort or censure. He just waited. He knew I – we - had to have this conversation. What was unspoken between us was like an emotional boil that needed lancing, otherwise it might fester away and eventually become some toxic thing between us. I ex-vented deeply, blinked my optics several times and then turned to face him. Though there was a flicker of sadness and regret within his brilliant azure optics, a quiet support and love shone brightly. It was what I needed to continue.

''Optimus. I am so very sorry for how I left things between us that day.'' I shuttered my optics but continued, determined to finish what I had to say. At the very least Prime deserved to hear it. ''I never gave you the chance to even say goodbye or to say your piece,'' his frame slumped slightly at my words, ''I guess I was too hurt, too upset and – I guess I had made my mind up about what I thought I had to do. To protect me, to protect you and Elita.'' He looked away from me for a moment and his frame tensed again though he said nothing. I sighed out loud once more. ''I knew if I went to you, you would try and convince me to stay but, under the circumstances Optimus, how could I have stayed?''

''I guess we will never know Phoenix, what might have happened,'' his tone held some accusation in it as he spoke for the first time, ''as you said, you didn't give me – us – a chance to work through it.'' His optics fixed me with an intense stare. ''Phoenix, you had just told me you loved me, always would, and then at the first test of that love - you left!'' His voice had risen, and his chest rose and fell as he cycled air to cool his systems.

He was becoming upset as he allowed his own emotions to break free from his carefully constructed barriers. ''I don't think you realise just how much I had come to rely on you, just how much I NEEDED you, WANTED YOU and…'' He stopped himself. Closed his optics and ex-vented deeply, his servos clenched in fists by his sides. I wanted to reach out to him, but I knew he needed to say this and – I deserved it. After a moment he slowly opened his optics and held my own in a steady gaze. ''That is what hurt the most Phoenix. You left me when I needed you most. You had filled my spark with such happiness, love, hope and desire and then you just took it all away from me in a spark beat!''

I nodded my helm in understanding and bit my lower derma as I wrapped my arms around my waist tighter, trying to draw comfort from myself. ''I'm sorry, truly I am Prime. I never meant to hurt you. I just thought….''

His optics flashed angrily for a moment, ''But you didn't think Phoenix, you reacted!''

I physically flinched at his words as though he had struck me, and a flash of anger tore through me. I gave a loud, derisive snort. ''And I think I had plenty of reason to react the way I did Prime!'' My own chest rose and fell as my emotions bubbled to the surface. I felt myself move to stand on my pedes. Our optics locked together. ''I'd like to know what exactly the appropriate reaction one is meant to give when the ex-sparkmate of the person you love with all your soul suddenly comes back into their life!'' My servos were on my hips and my own voice had risen as I fought to control my anger and pain.

Optimus looked away from me, his optics darting everywhere but to me, and his dermas were brought together in a tight line. His servos were clenched very tightly by his sides.

I ignored his body language and continued. ''Yeah, hi Elita. I know you might be under the impression you and Optimus are still a thing but guess what – while you were supposedly dead, we kind of became a thing. That won't be an issue, will it? Sorry, sucks to be you!'' There was a condescending, sarcastic tone to my voice and a small part of me was horrified that I was speaking this way but all the hurt I had pent up inside of me came gushing out.

Optimus snapped his helm back at me, his optics flashed angrily, ''Phoenix, that is not how the situation would have been handled, and you know it! Don't be so flippant.''

I narrowed my optics at him and took a step closer towards him, folding my arms across my chest. ''Oh really? How did you handle it then Prime? After I left and it was just you and Elita, how did you tell her about us?'' I tilted my helm and fixed an interrogative stare at him. ''Elita and I actually got the opportunity to have a quick chat.''

Optimus seemed to tense a little, concern flickering across his face for a moment. ''You've already met? How… how did that go?'' His voice was filled with apprehension.

I gave a small laugh as I recalled my first interaction with her, 'Well at first I thought she was going to shoot me and we nearly had a fight,'' Prime gave a sharp gasp, ''but in the end, we found some common ground and we actually got along well.''

Optimus smiled fondly and nodded his helm. ''I am relieved Phoenix. I had hoped you would both get along,'' he looked at me with sad expression, ''the two femmes I care about the most. You are so similar in so many ways.''

I moved my servos to my hips, ignoring his comment. ''Prime, she said you had both had a conversation just recently and cleared up misunderstandings between you both. When I asked what the misunderstanding was, she told me she would always love you, but she was no longer in love with you.'' I paused for a moment. ''The fact there was a misunderstanding about being in love Optimus, implies to me that she was in love with you at some stage during those five years and either you were too, or you led her to believe you were.''

Prime closed his optics and his shoulders slumped. I 'breathed'' slowly as I prepared to ask him the question that had haunted me and had driven me away from him in the first place. I wrapped my arms around my waist and in a whispered voice I leapt off the precipice once more, ''Did you and Elita pick up where you left off? Did you fall in love with her?''

Prime looked away for a moment, his frame slumped, and his optics were filled with sadness and regret as he looked back at me. ''Phoenix, I owe you the truth as I would expect nothing less from you.''

I felt my spark constrict in my casing. /Here it comes!/.

Optimus gave a weary sighed. ''At first things between Elita and I were awkward, mainly on my behalf, as we got accustomed to being around each other again. But as time went on, our bond did start to flare back to life, and I become more comfortable around her and vice versa.'' He paused a moment, and I closed my optics. ''But I felt different with her than when I did when I was with you Phoenix.'' His optical ridge furrowed as he seemed to recall what he felt. ''In some ways it felt like it did, and there were moments, flashes, when I saw what we once had coming back again.''

I wrapped my arms about me tightly and nodded my helm in understanding and encouragement – I needed to know.

Prime ex-vented deeply and looked away again, closing his optics briefly before he turned back to face me, a guilty and painfilled expression on his face. ''Then one night, just before we were ambushed in Mexico, Elita and I were having a discussion. To my great shame Phoenix, I did something I am not proud of and I must tell you this so there are no lies between us.''

''What? What did you do Prime, tell me?'' I brought my arms down by my sides, looked him dead in the optics and waited.

''For a moment during that conversation, I thought I could love her again. And in that moment Phoenix – I kissed her. I kissed Elita.'' Prime held my gaze, waiting.

My knees almost gave way, and I felt a sharp stab of pain tear through my spark. I closed my optics and took a step back away from him, leaning against the gurney for support as I processed what he had just said. Moments passed and nothing was said between us. The silence hung like a leaden weight.

''Phoenix?'' his voice was soft and low, ''Please, say something.''

I looked at the floor beside his pedes, not quite ready to look at him just yet. My voice was flat and emotionless. ''And she kissed you back?''

''Yes, she did.'' His gaze never left me.

''And you told her you loved her?'' I finally raised my optics to look at him. Love, hate, anger, betrayal, jealousy, fear. All swirled around inside me.

He shook his helm, ''No I did not Phoenix. Because in the end, I did not love her. In the end, it was you I saw as I kissed her. It was you I could feel in my arms and it was you my spark ached for. Not Elita.'' Prime took a tentative step towards me but when I tensed, he stopped and held his servos out towards me in supplication. ''Phoenix, I know why you did what you did, and while I wish you had have given me the chance to talk to you, being apart these past five years, having that moment with Elita, made me realise just how much my spark belongs to you and you alone.''

I closed my optics and felt a tremendous weight lift off my shoulders. The fear, the worry, the uncertainty that I had been carrying around seemed to melt away at his words. While the thought of him kissing Elita still hurt, I had left knowing full well that may happen. I had left with the intention of letting them resume their relationship. /How can you get mad at him, be mad at him for doing what you intended for him to do?/. I shook my helm at my own idiocy. A small smile spread across my dermas as my own words came floating back to me. /If you love something, set it free. If it finds a way back to you, then it was and always will be yours/.

Prime stood before me.

I laughed out loud.

''Phoenix? Are you okay?'' Prime had a quizzical look on his face as he watched me. His servos had fallen by his sides again.

/Prime stood before ME!/. He had come back to me; he had chosen me! I shook my helm in wonder and, taking two large steps, I launched myself into his chest, bringing my arms up to wrap around him. ''Optimus,'' I murmured into his chest. ''Mine.''

After a moment of shock, I felt Prime's strong arms move to bring me closer to him, wrapping me up protectively and holding me tight as though I might disappear again if he loosened his hold. ''Oh, my Phoenix, I am yours. Always was.'' I felt his dermas on my helm as he brought me even closer to him.

Five years. I had waited five long years for this moment. As I felt his body against mine, felt his spark thrumming steadily against mine in contentment, I sighed. /I would have waited an eternity for him/. And it was true.

I looked up into his face and he brought a servo up to brush against my cheek. I leaned into his touch, relishing the delicious heat that burned between us. His voice rumbled through me as he spoke again. ''I know I have much to make up for my Phoenix, and I don't want to rush you, but if you will let me, I should like to get you to fall in love with me all over again.''

''Full circle hey Prime?'' I laughed at him and kissed his servo.

Prime smiled down at me, ''Full circle my Phoenix.''