[a/n]Perhaps Healer Lockhart would be a concern Alix33. But I wonder, after all Gil wasn't a dummy. He was in Ravenclaw. And all the scheming needed to learn the stories and obliviate his victims. A jerk? A coward? Sure. I envisioned the healer as his mother. But now it's time to make him pay.

Harry Does Different CCCLXXXVI

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"Detention Potter, your potion should be purple not red." Professor Snape was secretly amused the brat could not perform. In fact, he indulged a further amusement, knowing from his own House the performance of his colleague in class. Back turned to hide a smile he added "I believe Professor Lockhart has need of a student tonight."

Harry looked at Ron and muttered "Bloody hell."

"Language!" hissed Hermione.

In light of his victory, the Potion Master ignored that byplay.

Abcij

"Professor Snape tells me you've been a naughty boy, Harry." The Defense teacher was all too pleased "Not to worry, however. As long as you don't tell him, I promise we won't do anything toooooo onerous. Agreed? Right. Remember as I said to you before Celebrity is as celebrity does. In this case, it is incumbent upon me to take the time to caringly answer my fanmail. A little word added by Harry Potter would be treacle on the tart, if you catch my meaning."

Harry tried to not roll his eyes and nodded "Whatever you say, sir."

"That's the spirit! Good man!" Lockhart enthused. From the envelopes piled on his desk, one stack slid its way to the student. He flashed a toothy smile and instructed "Don't strain your brain. My best advice is keep it simple In appreciation Gilderoy or perhaps just the initials GL and HP. I'm sure the ladies will enjoy that. Never too soon to start charming witches.

Harry muttered noncommittally and went to it without enthusiasm. There was nothing noteworthy during the first hour. The young wizard did exactly as instructed, except he avoided putting HIS name to anything. A long letter, he set aside, not wanting to involve himself in replying to a book. Shortly after the hour mark came one that smote his eyes. It was the first nude picture the Second Year ever saw. He dropped it like a hot potato "EEP!"

"Ahh, well, that can happen from time to time." Lockhart was more amused than apologetic.

Harry handed it over and resumed his task, if for nothing else than to get the image from his brain. In minutes, there was a second ….and a third. Harry tried to scratch and adjust between his legs. He was either successful or the professor oblivious. The smirk on Lockhart's face irritated Harry. Was he being pranked? Well two can play THAT game. And he did have Ron's brothers as inspiration. Repeated exposure dulled his reactions by the sixth, but he almost gagged 'Gotta be 60' This being based on the boy's Muggle experience with lifespans.

"Can you think of a better way to spend the evening?" asked Lockhart, charmingly.

"Swell." Replied Harry, with a fake smile, but that gave him an idea. He signed WITH LOVE GILDEROY, to the professor's picture. Then, on the back of the woman's picture BLOODY HELL YOURE AN UGLY WITCH. Without an outward reaction, he folded both and put them in an envelope for mailing. Also, among other glowing letters were marriage proposals to the celebrity. There were more after his inspired first response. He picked three of them and wrote essentially the same thing MY DEAR I WOULD BE HONORED TO MARRY YOU. I NEED TO MAKE ARRANGEMENTS SO PLEASE COME TO HOGWARTS 6PM FRIDAY

Abcij

"Welcome students to another meal. Having filled your minds all day, nay all week, please fill your bellies." Professor Dumbledore announced grandly, clapped his hands a couple times and in moments all five tables were full of food.

At the Gryffindor table a particularly attentive redhead threw a grape at his twin several seats away "Oy! Handsome! Notice young Mr. Potter. He seems a bit distracted from his meal."

"The matter Harry? Why the doors more interesting than the food?" asked Fred.

George nodded "Yea better get yers afore our little brother is done his."

"Hey! I'm a growing boy!" protested Ron, while still chewing.

Hermione swallowed a roasted potato and scolded "Chew, Ronald, then swallow and talk."

"I recognize that look, George. It's the same one you get on your face- - -" began Fred

George interrupted "Don't you mean your face?"

"Noted" allowed Fred graciously "But as I was saying, young Mr. Potter has that prank about to payoff look."

Harry looked furtive and sushed them "Quiet! I don't know what you're talking about!"

"Now that's a dead giveaway." This wasn't in twinspeak, it was more in stereo.

Lucky for the younger boy, the big clock struck SIX with loud BONGS and the show started. Three witches, of varying ages, but all magnificently attired in full dress robes. They were looking at each other speculatively and suspiciously. Tensions rose quickly as they marched through the Great Hall. In seconds the three were all but running for the Head Table. They yelled "I love you Gilderoy!" "I'm here darling!" "Oh my love!"

"Ladies, I greet you." Said Dumbledore with great dignity "It has been some years since you were students. Whatever brings you to school this evening?"

It was somewhat difficult to separate the overlapping answers but "The Headmaster himself marrying us!" "Oh he's SOOO romantic!" "He proposed to me!" "You? ME!"

"Professor Lockhart? These ladies seem to think they are here for you?" Snape complained, though if you were close enough, one might see a shadow of a smile.

That was when two owls with red envelopes arrived. The shaken Defense teacher gaped at the sight. He barely had to look at them before they exploded GILDEROY ALOYSUIS LOCKHART! CALL ME OLD! HOW DARE YOU! MY SON IS AN AUROR AND WILL … DON'T YOU DARE STEP A TOE OUT OF LINE!"

"Harry? What did you do?" asked Fred.

He replied "Me? How could you accuse me? I think they're all nuts."

"I note you didn't actually answer the question." Hermione observed, her tone icy.

Harry flinched, but recovered quickly, replying "Not much, Just answered some of Gilderoy's fanmail."

"You didn't!" exclaimed Dean.

The shellshocked celebrity stood and asked weakly "Now come ladies. Obviously I cannot marry all of you. There must be some mistake."

"Expelliarmus!" one of the witches who had clearly lost her patience, and apparently learned along the Potion Master.

Scrambling to his feet, Lockhart yelled something incoherent and fled.

All the girls looked horrified. The boys cheered. After things quieted some Fred called out "Does this mean DADA is cancelled?"

"Can we have HER for a teacher?" George wanted to know. He was pointing at the hexer.