Illusion is Reality

Chapter 151

-It happened-

I went to check on BeeBill's Door. Since it was one of the few other places I've actually been to, and he wasn't gonna have an issue with me there so long as he didn't see me (which is kinda terrible of me to be sneaking around his back in his Set, but I doubt BumbleBill really knew about dimensional shit anyway-)

Well, if I opened the Door really carefully and slowly, I wouldn't get sucked in. And I'd get to just observe a little. I braced myself against the door frame and carefully twisted the knob. There was a tugging sensation, but I wasn't pulled inside. That was good. I looked into the Door, wondering what could be seen from out here.

According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground.

The bee, of course, flies anyway, because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.

I slammed the door shut. I floated away to sit on top of my own door. I laid my front plane in my hands. I mimed a slow breath in and out.

I broke down in hysterics.

Eventually I calmed down. I wiped myself off from where I'd spilled a bunch of chaos from sheer whatever this emotion was. I sat there, staring blankly off into the distance.

I didn't realize the BeeBill AU was also a Bee Movie reference. Or was it? Definitely a crack fic. Oh god, it was like that Zaboomafoo AU all over again.

So… yeah, no. I don't think Blue and I would be able to hang out in BumbleBill's place. I would be laughing/crying too hard to get anything done. I floated around to find another place.

Reversed Flatland might work? The Bill there already knew us, and we were on friendly terms. Oh. But Blue seemed uncomfortable there for some reason. Shame, I rather liked the guys there. They were pretty nice. Or maybe I just thought of them as nice because they didn't try to kill me? Hm.

I liked people too easily. Damn.

I floated around, looking at the various Doors and wondering what would be a 'safe-ish' Set for me and Blue to hang out in. Um… I wasn't in a rush, I could probably take a break to recover from being hit in the head with the frickin' Bee Movie script for a while.

And in the silence of the Void, another thought bubbled to the surface. (Things I hadn't really wanted to think too hard about.) Of all the things that I had learned while over at Blue's set. And what that meant for me. Especially that little thing that Blue had told me, about what he'd found when he examined my transdimensional tumblr blog and what/where it led to...

"I'm back." I said quietly as I floated into the living room where Pyronica was sharpening some knives. I wonder what they were for? "Hey." She said in greeting, giving me a grin before looking back at her work. She nodded to herself, putting her whetstone away and packing up.

Pyronica gave me a level stare when I scooted next to her on the couch. She didn't protest or move away when I climbed into her lap though.

"Well. Someone's being affectionate today." She started petting my top point and sides. I purred quietly. "Don't you usually cuddle with Xanthar?"

"He's asleep. And I wanted headpats."

"Hm." Pyronica continued petting me. "What's upsetting you?" She asked without me having to say anything.

"...a lot of things." I admitted.

"Time Baby, your human family or…?"

"Blue."

She scoffed. "Right. What'd he do this time?"

I wiggled. "It's more of a bunch of stuff. I… learned something, while there, with him. Oh right, he came back, his Door was all messed up and locked because his AXOLOTL did something to it." I paused. "But it's not even really Blue that's upsetting me. Well, yes, he is and does and is still upsetting me, but that's not what this is- he's my big brother! That's how it was supposed to be- only he said I'm not a little sister to him anymore, but a big sister and I know he was comparing me to Esther and that hurt me so bad I literally fell apart and almost died again- but I'm better now! And we talked and I think maybe we reached an understanding and like, maybe it'll work out alright if I just accept that he's just going to be a jerk, but that's fine because I just need to be strong enough to take it and maybe that would make things better-" I shook my head. "I'm rambling, I can't… quite put my feelings into words."

"Then don't." Pyronica shrugged.

I relaxed. "Ok."

We sat in silence for a while before I blurted out, "Blue found the dimension where my Soul came from!"

Pyronica blinked, not really understanding the significance of what that meant. "Cool?"

"No, it's like-" I floundered. "My human family, the very first one I had. With my little sisters. They're there. And…" I paused. "And there's another 'me' there. She's there. Zyun-Jan. The real one." And… What did that mean? So… I really was just a copy? A Bill Cipher who just happened to get her memories or something? "My tumblr blog connects partially into that dimension. A dimension that even Blue can't get into." The real world.

"...I have no idea what you're talking about…" Pyronica said slowly. "This kinda high concept stuff should be discussed with Kryptos or something."

"It's that…" I made a frustrated sound. "Well, I already figured I was in some kind of messed up self insert fanfiction, way back when I was still a mortal triangle. But I kinda accepted this was my reality now and went from there. And now I know that there's some human version of me who's out there, in some other dimension, who survived the crash and is… I dunno, living her life?"

"I still have no idea what you're talking about." Pyronica blinked. I patted her knee. "It's fine. I just kinda… need to say stuff aloud to myself while I try to work through what I'm feeling."

"Ok?"

I leaned back against her chest. "I suppose it doesn't really change much, aside from confirming that I really AM in some kinda… fanfiction… I mean, it's still my reality, so not much I can do aside from trying to make my own way, you know?"

I could tell Pyronica had stopped really following along. This was fine. I wasn't kidding when I said I just needed to say this aloud to myself. "And I don't know what this means for me moving forward. I kind of want to contact her. But I also don't."

And if what I suspected was true, then this was a moot point as it were.

Pyronica regarded me for a while. Then she stood up, tucking me under her arm and grabbing the belt with her knives as she went. She hit a switch along the side to make the belt and knives vanish, subspaced for the moment. I hung in her arm, still rambling. "But that's not even all that important, not in the long run, since I can't go there anyway and I shouldn't be contacting them either, so I should be working on what I need to do right now and-"

Pyronica strolled over to the teleporter, still holding me. She typed something into the interface (it changed depending on who was using it, to be whicher method the user best understood. For Pyronica, it was pictures.) "-o I thought that if I went somewhere to get some combat training in with Blue, he would feel a little less worried about me-"

I felt the tingling feeling of the teleporter warping us away from the Death Star and into a large transport terminal. It was busy here, aliens of all shapes and sizes running to and fro. The 'Zwoop' sound of the teleporters rang out all around us. I saw a few people pause when they saw us, but aside from some who recognized me and ran off screaming, there were some who recognized me, but thought I was some kind of doll, those who didn't recognize me, and some who didn't care.

...Huh. It felt kinda weird to have people not recognize me.

I blinked at them as Pyronica made her way out of the terminal, holding me under her arm. "Where are we going?"

"Somewhere I've been planning to bring you for a while." She tapped her Credits card and got on a ship. It was almost like a public bus, but in hover-land-ship form. Hovercrafts were just more efficient than wheeled vehicles since they could get over any type of terrain. I miiiiight have inspired mechanics to create energy efficient anti-gravitational technology for the purpose of transportation vehicles that didn't need to have wheels.

I was paranoid sometimes. Only sometimes. Only a little. Definitely just a little bit.

I'm fine. Definitely fine.

We rode the bus, me in Pyronica's lap. I still wasn't quite sure where we were going. I mean, I know there's the interdimensional teleportation terminal we just left, and the various cities this ship would stop at. But I didn't think any of those cities were a place she'd want to take me to. They were enclosed and so stifling. Protected in a way that prevented anyone from venturing in or out except by way of the docking areas for the ships.

The lands outside the cities were pretty messed up. Dangerous. Twisted trees that fed on blood, thrusting their branches or roots at any warm creature they sense nearby. Vicious herbivores that killed anything not of their own species because they didn't want or need competition. The grass grew vibrant and radioactive, urging on the mutations leading to the evolution of such dangerous flora and fauna.

And I knew why.

I had lost control here once, many, many years ago. My powers had raged and infected the lands. And even now, generations later, the effects lingered. My curse upon this land. The blight. The locals recognized me. They were the ones who showed me fear. But there was a paradoxical resignation to it. They weren't going to try and act on that fear beyond attempting to sit as far from where me and Ronica were. Was it because I was calm? Was it because they knew better than to attempt to approach me? (Was it because I had publicly murdered their royal family many years ago for keeping child sex slaves in their basement? That got the citizens to pass laws and reforms that prevented that sort of thing from happening. Least they called my wrath back upon them.)

I didn't know. But I looked out the window and watched the wildlife attack our ship. The shields held, and even if they didn't, I'd have stepped in to prevent this craft from being destroyed. I was IN it, after all. The people on this planet developed some of the most powerful shield technology in the multiverse due to the constant attacks from the wildlife I accidentally helped create. Was this sort of thing what Time Baby meant when he talked about what effects I had on the multiverse? Probably. (Not sure if I should feel proud of that or not.)

Pyronica got up, sauntering up to the driver. "Hey, we're getting off here." She told them. Xe glanced over as us, the hue of xir skin turning into a dull lavender color. "Ma'am, it's too dangerous to exit here. We should be at the city in 20 standard galactic minutes-"

"I know. But we're getting off here." She repeated. Xe looked down at me, looking even more lavender. "...alright…"

To xir credit, xey did find a large rocky outcropping on a cliff, far out of the reach of the trees (which were still swaying their branches around) to drop us off. I could Feel the 'relief' of everyone as we got off. Having my Empathic senses opened just a tiny crack really made a difference. I didn't feel as empty and unsettled as when I had it clamped shut. I think keeping it shut around humans, since they affected me more strongly, was a better way about this.

I watched the ship fly away and looked up at Pyronica. "Are we going camping?" There were only the woods around here. She cackled. "Something like that." She glanced down and I heard the screech of an Angerdeer. Named as such because they were filled with a boundless rage and bloodlust. "I was thinking we could get some meat for dinner."

"Oh. We're hunting?" I looked down to see a pack of Angerdeer pacing and scratching their antlers against the side of the cliff we were on.

"Yup." Pyronica held me up to her face, smiling widely. "You need to let loose. I know you're having some kind of ridiculous moral crisis about killing and all that, but food's fair game."

"Well, yeah." I blinked. "If I'm gonna kill something, it would be a waste to NOT eat it." That was just basic logic. "Aside from things I don't wanna eat."

"Not much on that list." Pyronica laughed. "So?" She turned me around and held me up to the edge, where the Angerdeer were jumping and snapping their jaws. "Go get them."

"...I kinda got in trouble for hunting some Earth Deer while I was over in Blue's set so-"

"Fuck that." Pyronica narrowed her eye. "If Blue's gonna ruin HUNTING FOR FOOD for you now-"

"Wasn't him who had the issue with-"

"Don't care. Get your pointy ass self down there and start killin' shit!" Pyronica drew her hand back, holding onto me, and then yeeted me right down into the flock of murderous herbivores.

"Fuck you biiiiiiitch!" I screamed as I rocketed towards them. I could hear her laughing above me. But I didn't have much time to think about that as one of the Angerdeer leaped at me. I felt my bricks twisting as I grew.

A large black hand caught the deer and I landed heavily, my bricks grinding against each other as I stretched and shifted to adjust to the new mass. The Angerdeer began leaping at me with their heads bowed and their sharp antlers poised to impale me. I grumbled, even as I felt them bounce off my thick shell/bricks. It sort of tickled. I kept my base low to the ground, protecting my sensitive bits, and had one hand covering my eye.

"I can't believe you THREW me!" I called up at her. Pyronica just cackled. I felt the Angerdeer smacking their antlers against me. Sigh. I reached out and twisted one of them until their head tore off. They were huge, so I probably only needed a few to have enough to feed everyone. Also, I didn't want to kill them all, or else they wouldn't be able to repopulate. The head fell to the ground and I glared down at the remaining Angerdeer. "Back off if you wanna live." I flicked my fingers and teleported the body away to the pantry. (Cleaning and skinning it as I went. The pelt fluttered to the ground beside me. Hm. Be a waste to toss it. I'll keep it for now. I picked it up with another hand I grew.)

I could tell which ones were smart. They stayed back, letting their more impudent friends attempt to attack me again. And subsequently get their heads twisted off. I waved the blood off my hands. "I can do this all day fuckers."

A few turned and ran. Good on them. They get to live to fuck another day.

The ones that were left were slowly starting to realize just what they were up against. "Last chance before you're all lunch." I twisted my bricks and a large mouth opened where my 'chest' was, more arms sprouting out to lift myself higher into the air, moving to press my bottom against the side of the cliff Pyronica was on. Hey, I still need to protect my butt.

They didn't cut and run. Too bad for them.

(Not like I'm frustrated and upset and feel better when I was tearing them apart or anything...)

The grass was wet with blood. I had a little pile of heads beside me. I panted softly, my many mouths slowly closing as my bricks sealed back together and I shrank back into my usual adorable self. I heard a 'squish' and 'crunch' as Pyronica jumped from the cliff and landed beside me, her heels crushing the skull of the head she landed on. She strode over and poked my corner. "Feel better?"

"...a little? But also somewhat conflicted." I answered honestly, flicking the blood off my hands. Ew. Sticky.

"Conflicted about what?"

"I mean… I guess it's fine… I'm killing for food after all. And they attacked first. But we are intruding on their territory…"

"Pffth." Pyronica brushed the grass, finding a dry spot to sit down on. Her flames slowly charred the grass around her. "So? I dunno what the hell you've been thinking while hanging out with people who don't know you, but so what?" She leaned against my side, getting a squawk out of me as she pushed me down. "These fuckers attack literally anything. No one's gonna care if you kill a bunch. Hell, I think the people would thank you for it."

"But…"

"No buts. Come on, let's go find more stuff to kill." She pulled on my leg, leading me around like a balloon.

I sighed. I mean… I did feel good. But I felt kinda guilty for it. But… I was out in space. And it's not like anyone else had to know about this. I could indulge a little. Just for a while. But I struggled to think of what 'good' this might be able to do. Um… less dangerous animals? I guess? That was good right?

I watched Pyronica pull out one of her knives as the belt rematerialized. I pushed my worries aside for the moment. Killing people was 'wrong' but I was still gonna do it. Eating people was 'wrong' but in a way, animals were people too, with souls and minds and stuff. So I couldn't refute Blue's Sixer calling me 'man-eater' all the time. But what was the alternative? Being a vegetarian? That's out too since plenty of plant-based species existed, and also I could talk to trees and shit, so like… can't eat plants either if we took that into account.

What did Blue's Sixer expect from me? To just never eat? (Probably. He probably wants me to just starve or something.)

I supposed I could eat unfertilized eggs. And honey. And water (unless we took Elementals into account, but those were easy enough to avoid.) And milk? Nuts and seeds COULD theoretically count as children which was a disturbing thought. Frankly, the only way to truly not be a 'man-eater' would be to just… never eat.

And fuck that. I'm not giving up on food! It was one of the few joys I had in life!

A reason for living!

"Bill, you gonna actually fucking let loose or not?" Pyronica stabbed the tree as it tried to kill her. She also sent a flash of fire at it, making the plant recoil back. "Or do you wanna talk about your…" she groaned, "...feelings?" she said, like the word was some kind of rotten zucchini that mushed in your hand and was leaking pus.

"I can save the mushy stuff for Keyhole." I assured her.

"Oh thank flame. I don't think I could stomach it." Pyronica pulled back her foot before giving a savage kick to a creature that looked like a vole, if they were the size of a dog and leaking a corrosive acid. "If you need a cuddle or something, I can do that. But fuck if I know how to talk about feelings."

I chuckled. She said that, but I know Pyronica was actually good at it. But I'll let her pretend to be a tough girl.

"Head's up!" Pyronica tore a smaller tree from the ground and flung it in my direction. I huffed and flicked my hand, sending the tree rocketing into the air. It spun around and around, landing on another hill and taking root immediately, startling a lot of Murderriels that had burrowed into the ground, lying in wait for anything coming nearby. I watched them screech and run up and around the tree, dodging it's swinging branches and tearing through the bark. Ah. Nature.

Pyronica set a few trees on fire and cackled. I watched them sway to try and put themselves out. "It kinda feels like bullying now." I pointed out. She glanced back at me for a few seconds before nodding. "Kay~" she strode back over to me. "Hey, wanna go and draw pictures all over the force field around the city?" She asked, poking my leg.

I blinked. "...actually, yes."

"Alright, let's go." She twirled her knives and tucked them away.

And I was slowly realizing she was dragging me around out here because she wanted to push me into doing things to try and cheer me up. She knew I liked rampaging, hunting, playing harmless pranks on people...

She took my hand and we had a relaxing walk through the forest, killing everything that attacked us as we went. I closed my eye, feeling the light breeze against my bricks. Feeling the warmth of the local star and smaller second star. Hearing the rustling of the leaves and grass. The dying screams of the Murderriels as we startled a nest of them and were forced to tear them open...

It was so relaxing.

The city was surrounded by the same sort of forcefield that was around all vehicles. I saw some more Angerdeer attacking the sides and floated over to scare them off. Then I spent the next few hours painting Starry Night on the force field. It wasn't very good. An artist I was, but Van Gogh I am not.

At first, the people in the city panicked over what I was doing. But after an hour they'd calmed down and many were actually sitting down to watch the spreading image on the forcefield. It was somewhat transparent, so you could still see the forest beyond it. Didn't want to make them forget the dangerous outside world, in case of emergencies. When I put the last swirling star in place and floated back to admire my handiwork, some people even cheered.

It was a strange feeling.

Then some Federation officers showed up and started shooting at me. The shots bounced off the pile of Angerdeer skins I was holding, but it made me drop them. That annoyed me a little. So I pants'ed them all (and since they wore full body suits, that actually meant I'd torn their clothes off their lower bodies) and took off with Pyronica back into the wilderness. "YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE SUCKAHS!" I lost the pile of pelts I'd collected. That was fine. I'd already scanned them all so I could make my own if I wanted. Plus, I'd stolen their pants as compensation. So I was satisfied.

(I found out later that the Federation washed off my painting from the forcefield. And that the inhabitants of the city took to painting the force field themselves. They would gather and make murals, which would be a nice community event. It was something fun and light hearted that the people started doing. It brought them a little cheer in the face of the constant stress of watching the wildlife outside the city trying to murder them.)

That was pretty neat.

Wow. I forgot how much I missed making stuff. Sure, I've been doing a lot of cooking, but it wasn't quite the same as popping my hands into buckets of paint and smearing them all over stuff. Pyronica held me in her lap, petting my side as we sat on the clifftop, watching the two suns set. "Did you have fun today?"

"Actually… yes. Thank you." I closed my eye and leaned back against her.

We sat in silence for a while before she spoke again. "Seriously, if you need help, just… ask us. I can tell when you're upset about something, but I don't know what it's about. All I can do is throw distractions at you."

"Or throw me AT the distraction." I laughed.

"Next time I'm chucking you at Keyhole and locking you two in the room together until you talk to him."

"He's not my therapist."

"But he IS your evil advisor or something, right?" She hummed. "He was saying something about how you liked his advice to your bad ideas."

I cackled. "I need to teach him to scheme and laugh maniacally when he thinks no one's looking."

"Give him a fake mustache to twirl."

"He can borrow Hec's. Just pop it off like some mister potato head toy!"

The two of us cackled.

We went home, I had a lot to think about. I didn't want to think about it. It was going to make me upset again to do so. But I couldn't ignore it.

So I laid on Xanthar, who had woken up and was happy to run around in Iznang while I laid on his back and thought. I wondered… what I was supposed to do. My life was a fanfic. Or at the very least, I'm a copy of the memories from a human girl named Zyun-Jan. But… I was Bill Cipher now. And what would that mean for me going forward? I could only think about what it was that I wanted to do. That was all I knew to do.

I wanted… to hang out with my friends. I wanted to hang out with my human family. I wanted to take care of my children. I wanted to be with Blue. (If I had to be honest, I was hurt by the way he was thinking of me like I was similar to Esther and wanted to prove him wrong, but Blue was always right, at least he thinks he is, and it was so hard to talk to him sometimes… most times…)

Would I prefer if my human family were all immortal and would stay with me forever? Yes. But if they didn't want to, I wasn't going to force them to. And I didn't feel right about manipulating or brainwashing them into doing so, like I was sure Blue wanted me to do. What he wanted to do. What I think he wants to do? Or rewriting reality to make it so no one could truly die, since they'd just come back again. Respawn, as it were. Like a videogame. Which was what Blue's Set was built as. It was what he knew and understood. I couldn't blame him for thinking that was how the world was supposed to work, should work.

But my Set and Seb's weren't Games. We were fanfics based on a cartoon. You could play a game over and over until you got bored, but it would always be there. But stories have endings. Eventually.

If a story didn't have an ending, it would still ultimately end once the writer stopped. But leaving a story without an ending in that way would just-

-A door crumbling into dust, distorting into static as that world was abandoned-

-be left without closure. It would feel wrong. Empty. Unsatisfying.

And I hated that feeling. It was why Blue's door getting locked hurt me so much. I didn't get to say goodbye, didn't get to know what was happening...

That's why I wanted to mend whatever rift had formed between us. Whatever problem had begun when I got other people who loved me, and began to find Blue's love to be… not enough. Not the right kind? Not… working. Not once other people were there to compete with Blue for my attention and affections. Blue claimed that I had finally formed Standards. And what did it mean if Blue no longer met them? I felt like shit about that. He loved me. He just wanted to help in his own twisted way.

He knew I was sad when the people I loved died. So he wanted to get the humans to agree to his fix to be able to exist forever. But they didn't like it. It made them uncomfortable. I understood that, and I wanted to respect their wants. Blue… felt himself to be 'correct' and was trying to get other people to agree with him, even if it upset them.

Blue didn't care about 'upset' or about other people's 'feelings'. Because to him, all that mattered was 'results'. But that wasn't how I worked. That wasn't… it didn't feel right to me. It felt like Blue was being mean and bullying the people I cared about. And I told him to stay away from them, leave them alone. But that hurt him. Of course it did.

I didn't mean to hurt his feelings. I just wanted to protect my human family.

I know Blue was just trying to help. But he was only making everyone upset. Including me. And it hurt. And I'm stupid enough to still want to be around him, isn't that just hilarious?

"Bill?"

I blinked slowly, the present around me coming back into focus. How long was I lost in thought?

I looked around to see Hectorgon holding a mug of bean juice. I looked around some more and found myself squeezing handfuls of Xanthar's fur and skin. Kneading him. I patted his back. 'Calm' 'Pleased' 'Comfortable'

"What's up Hec?" I continued rubbing Xanthar's back and sides, since he seemed to enjoy it.

"Just making sure you're still with us. You've been staring off into space while caressing Xanthar for the past day." He said with a bit of 'worry'.

"Just lost in thought."

"The usual, then?" Hectorgon took a sip of his drink. "Just be careful you don't stay lost."

"Hey, I came back." I looked back down at my hands, wiggling my little fingers. Hectorgon shrugged, hopping over to sit on the couch. Oh, Xanthar and I were back at the Death Star. I totally didn't notice when Xanthar came home. I really was out of it.

"Bill, you only snapped out of it just now." Hectorgon told me simply. "We tried snapping you out yesterday, but you didn't respond to anything."

...Really?

"The only reason we weren't more worried about it is 'cause you once went a whole week stuck in your own head." Hectorgon sighed. "Pyronica's right, we need to take you out somewhere."

I pressed on Xanthar's back. "Hey Hec?"

"Yeah?" He flipped through a screen, reading the newsfeed. (Something about scientists discovering that Angerdeer hide could resist laser bullets.)

"If everyone could come back after they died, and could just… reappear in the world in whatever form, species, age and social standing that they wanted…"

"That sounds like a logistical nightmare." Hectorgon scrolled through the feed. "Form, species and age is one thing, social standing would require a complete restructuring of the societal ladder they were trying to fit into."

That's what I thought too. I massaged Xanthar, kneading and needing the physical sensations under my hands to keep me grounded. "What if you could get whatever you wanted. No matter what? Just have all the things you could ever want and never need to work for it?"

"Sounds like a quick way to get bored of living."

...that was what I thought as well. And it wasn't just my own thoughts on the matter, I set up my Afterlife dimension to give the Souls all sorts of things that they'd want if they just put in the basic effort to do so. But they couldn't HAVE another person. The only thing they couldn't get. Not unless the other person agreed. I had thought that if they didn't have at least a little struggle in life, they'd get bored and choose to pass on.

I was both right and wrong, I suppose.

Everyone chose to pass on except MoZha. Because they all got bored. They tried out just getting stuff they wanted from asking the Care Units for what they wanted. And they got bored of that eventually. Some left after that, some tried to do stuff themselves and work for it. But results came easy. That dimension was made for people to be able to do whatever they wanted if they tried. And it was too easy for some of them. So they also chose to pass on. I also set it up to be open world with all sorts of places they could go and explore if they wanted. And some did. Before they got bored and also chose to pass on.

That afterlife dimension I built would see to all their physical needs. I gave them other humans to interact with for seeing to their emotional and social needs. But none of that was enough. They all got bored and left.

They got bored of a world without struggle or conflict.

MoZha stayed. She found things to do, to occupy her time. She purposely did things from scratch, in a way that would give her more struggles to work through. But even she wanted to leave eventually, even if she didn't choose to just pass on like the rest of them did.

"Oh shit!" I cried, sitting up. Hectorgon startled. "Bill?"

"I forgot that I left MoZha on Earth!"

"Who?"

"Sorry Xan-Xan." I patted him. "I'll be right back. I need to go check on something."

Heading to Earth in a rush, I did a quick Scan to try and track down my friend.

I paused. Oh. That… was… something...

MoZha had learned how to possess objects. Really exploring what it meant to be an intact Soul/Mind without a Body. And while possessing objects, she figured out how to move them, and communicate with the living humans. That was amazing, but still something I could have predicted she would do, when left on her own for… several decades. Ooof. Shit. I really needed to stop losing track of time.

Nah, the thing that surprised me was how she approached her descendants. She had found a dragon statue to possess and had appeared before them as a family guardian. Spirit guardian, I suppose she was one.

I floated down beside her after she left her 'body'. "So~ did you have fun?" I nudged her lightly. MoZha turned and smiled at me. "Oh! Little spirit! Hello!" She paused. "It has been many years."

I sobered. "Um… sorry I kinda left you here…" I rubbed my arm, a little awkwardly.

"Oh no, it's fine. I've been having fun." She turned back to watching the humans milling around in the village below us. "I suppose I'd been more lonely than I thought."

I floated closer and gave her a gentle hug. "Dude, that's fine. Humans need other people. I should have brought you back sooner." I paused. The afterlife I created for her and other humans… the experimental place to try out different ways to create a 'paradise'... it really didn't work when they weren't satisfied by it...

"..." MoZha looked down at the humans. "Little spirit… I am grateful you allowed me to stay even after my death." She glanced back over at me. "For what reason though? Was there something I was meant to do?" I twitched and MoZha let out a laugh. "No? So you were lonely as well then. You simply wanted me to stay." She reached out to pat my side. "Little spirit, it is not only humans who need other people."

I rumbled, leaning against her hand. "So… do you want to stay here on Earth?" I asked. "Are you satisfied with just being a Spirit like I am?"

"Well." MoZha grinned. "You have supported, taught and helped me throughout my life, for which I am eternally grateful. So I think it would be wonderful to be like you, to help people as well."

"I'm not really all that wonderful."

"Why is that?" MoZha leaned closer.

"I brought you back for my own selfishness. I didn't bring back your children or your friends. You're…" Alone.

But MoZha simply laughed again and patted my corner. "Why would you? They were my friends, not yours."

"B-but… you cared about them. I should have-"

MoZha reached out and tapped on my bowtie, making me squeak. "I knew, even as a child, that for some reason, you chose me. It is me that you care for, not the others. And that is simply how it is. I don't blame you for valuing me above others. To assume you would go out of your way to grant everyone around me such a blessing as well would be ridiculous."

"...but don't you miss them?"

She sighed. "Yes? But life is life. People come and go. And you're still here. And you're my friend too." She pouted. "Besides, I am having fun. Isn't that more important?"

I paused as her words struck a chord with me.

I've heard similar before. But it kept… I kept forgetting. Why did I keep forgetting? Having fun being most important has been my philosophy for most of my life. So why did that idea just feel so… difficult? What was wrong with me?

I kept forgetting things. Even though that shouldn't be possible. My memories were engraved within me. But I kept forgetting things. I know I'm absent minded, but it's… more serious than that. And once someone mentioned a thing I forgot, it came back. But until that point, I just… didn't... Consciously remember it.

I know that there was too much in my head for me to remember everything all at once all the time, but that was supposed to just be for Knowledge of things. Facts and figures, information. Not… not personal things like my own-

"Little spirit? Are you alright?"

I glanced up at MoZha's kind, worried face. "...I am not alright." I needed help. I needed-

My mind went to Linda first. Or Seb and Wanda. Ford.

Blue.

I shuddered. That wasn't right. I can't… can't go to Blue for help anymore. He didn't want me to-

I shouldn't bother him with-

He would just get mad at me again-

"Spirit." MoZha's voice cut through, something in me settling as she held me in her arms. This feeling… this… calm feeling- being grounded-

I blinked. Oh.

Oooooh.

I blinked slowly up at MoZha. Her brows were furrowed, she was looking me up and down. "Little spirit?"

"I'm… I'm ok… well, not ok ok…" I amended.

I think I can finally put a name to this feeling.

It was the same feeling I got around Fordsie. Of being grounded and, for a lack of a better way to put it, pulled together...

"You're a Zodiac…" I murmured. But… she wasn't a Symbol. I could tell that much.

Ah.

"You're one of my Lines." I realized. And… if I followed that thought, to try and see if I remembered this feeling with anyone else...

"...Amelie's a Line too. And Queen… Tina..."

"Little spirit? What are you talking about?"

I blinked, my focus breaking. Ah. I can think about this later. "You're special to me."

MoZha blinked. "Yes? I knew that already."

"It's… it's nothing. I just… realized something…" I looked down at where she was holding me. I relaxed a little, rumbling. "I… need help."

"Can I help?" MoZha asked. I squinted my eye into a smile. "You already have." I was… thinking a little more clearly now. I wasn't 'healed' or 'fixed' but at least I wasn't spiraling anymore. Who the heck knows how long this clarity would last, but I'll take what I could get.

And I snuggled deeper into MoZha's arms, letting myself relax as my racing thoughts calmed. Think Bill. I know I need help. Blue is out because I'm his 'big' sister now. It would be irresponsible to force my 'little' brother to be my emotional support.

Seb and Wanda were great, but I don't think they can help me with the thing I was stressed about.

What was I stressed about? Linda kept telling me I had to identify what I was feeling and why.

I was stressed. I… I wanted to be able to have fun again. I was tired of being stressed all the time. I just wanted to have fun and not worry about things. Not worry about making sure everything goes exactly as planned. (Blue planned things out. I tried to do what he did, but I just couldn't. I could plan, sure. But being able to think of all outcomes and planning for them? I couldn't do that. And the fact that I couldn't just upsets me more and more-)

(I know I'm not Blue. And I shouldn't try to be him. But he's so confidant and amazing and cool and-)

I wanted to stop worrying over whether anything I did would be 'approved' by people. I didn't want to care about what other people thought. But I also wanted to be better at thinking about other people's feelings. And doing what they wanted, instead of only what I wanted-

But I'm a naturally selfish person, so that wasn't working. I couldn't do it. I just...

I just wanted to have fun.

But having fun just made me feel guilty now.

Ever since I realized how my actions hurt people's feelings...

I mean, murder and torture was one thing, but hurting people's feelings was awful.

Heck, I… didn't think I've ever hurt people's feelings… or rather, I never noticed I did so. But now I know that I do, and did and what was I supposed to do now? I put Ford in a maid outfit because I wanted to. And he was in trouble for that stunt he pulled with the bled paint.

I shuddered.

But he was actually upset at having to wear it. I only realized that afterward.

I was still worried about hurting him or any of my human family. I worried about hurting my friends too. I had fun with my Maids RPG group, but looking back… were they really ok with wearing the dresses? In the moment, I was thrilled and happily told them they weren't allowed to take them off, but… what if that really upset them?

Ugh. This was why I got stressed when I actually thought about this stuff. I didn't want to think about it. But if I ever wanted to be able to have fun again, I had to think about what sorts of things I had to avoid so I could have fun without feeling guilty afterward.

Hang on, I feel like my thoughts have gone off tangent. What was my original issue?

I was stressed since I didn't know what to do with myself. I needed help- right. I needed to figure out who could help me. I was starting to realize that I didn't want to actually ask my human family for this. Because if they knew, they might hate me. Because the things I found fun were things like pranking people, messing with people, shapeshifting people, humiliating people-

So asking humans for help with figuring out and telling me if such activities were 'allowed' was out.

I had thought Blue could. But he wasn't-

So then… who?

My Zodiac? Amelie told me to just do what I wanted. And that if I needed to destroy things sometimes, that was fine too. Since I wasn't human (not anymore, maybe not ever?)

Thinking on it… I've asked Queen for advice on what to do before too. Huh. I guess I never really thought about it, but she's always been a Zodiac...

I've also gone to Tina and Jessie for help- is Jessie one of my Lines?

Don't get distracted Bill!

Ok so… my friends. I've asked them to tell me if something is something I should do. That's fine too. But asking if they were ok with me setting something on fire was very different from asking for their take on morality.

I know I don't have a proper sense of morals. What's right or wrong was decided by the people around me. And fuck if I knew what those were at all times. I just went with what felt right to me. And that… wasn't working anymore. I went to my friends for stuff because they were all good people. Even if they're also all twisted as well.

I liked twisted people. Like Fordsie! He didn't even seem to realize how twisted he was. How cute~

Dammit Bill stop being distracted!

I whined, kicking my little feet as MoZha and I hung out on the roof of a house. Wait, wasn't this some kind of shrine?

Not the time Bill. Get back on track!

I needed help. Help in figuring out what I wanted to do, what I wanted to be. Help in feeling better because I've been feeling like shit and I can't figure out why. Help in trying to be better without also being miserable. I couldn't go to the humans for this help. Only Ford and Stan had been in space for any amount of time, but they were trying to adapt back to Earth. Heck, Stan seems to have put it all behind him, slipping back into his human life with seemingly no issue. Well, yeah he had to go to therapy a bit, but he was doing fine for himself now. Fordsie was also trying to focus on building his career. I didn't want to bring up any bad memories from space for them, so I didn't want to ask them for it.

"Did you have fun today?"

I paused. Yes. I did.

I really worried her, didn't I? I didn't mean to. I didn't want my friends to have to worry about me. I'm… I'm the great and all powerful Bill Cipher. I'm supposed to be stronger than this. I'm the oldest, I'm supposed to be the strong one. I should be the one that reassures them, so they wouldn't worry.

And why did I feel so happy at the idea of them worrying and caring about me? I mean, I knew they cared about me. But I shouldn't be happy at the idea that they worried about me. I shouldn't want them to worry. I should want them to just trust me to always be alright, like they used to back when they were younger. That's how it should be. They shouldn't have to worry and should just be happy and do what they want and-

-and they're not kids anymore. I mean, Hectorgon was a full ass adult, so I guess he was never a kid in this group, but that's not...

Keyhole was all grown up now. But I still couldn't help but remember how timid and scared he was back when we first met. And I wanted to give him peace of mind, be a person he could always count on. He'd lost his parents, and part of me had kinda taken on that role for him. I would help and support him in anything he wanted. But I think… I think… my friends wanted me to let them support me now. But that wasn't- I couldn't just- It's just irresponsible for a parent or guardian to force their kids to be their emotional pillar. I couldn't make them worry about me like that, it was unfair for them. They shouldn't be responsible for taking care of me-

So why did I feel so happy at the idea of them wanting me to...

妈妈 used to cry whenever she hit me. She never wanted to do so. But I did something bad, so I had to be punished. And then she would cry. And I would ignore the way my legs and back stung from being hit with the wire coat hanger, because the sounds of 妈妈 sobbing hurt much more than anything else. And I would hug 妈妈 and tell her to stop crying. Because I knew that she was crying because of me. Because I did something bad, she was forced to do something she didn't want to do. And it made her sad. And made me sad. And I just wanted 妈妈 to stop crying. I would be a good girl. I won't be bad anymore. So please stop crying.

And it wasn't until years later that I began to realize how unfair that was. For her. For me. And I would get mad. But I couldn't get mad at 妈妈 because it wasn't her fault. She was trying her best. I was just a bad kid. So I just got mad at myself. I go mad and madder and I just hated myself for having been such a bad kid, for still being a bad kid, for being unable to just be normal or obedient and stop causing problems for my family and-

I shouldn't be forcing my friends into that kind of corner. I shouldn't be making them feel like they need to be the ones to make me feel better. Sure, they can cheer me up and stuff, that's what friends did, but the kind of support they were offering… that was… I couldn't… I didn't want to make them have to go through what I did...

But I have. I did. I was still doing so. And I was fucking happy about it?!

It wasn't right. It wasn't.

妈妈 shouldn't have made it my job to comfort her after a beating. I know she never asked me to do so. I know she didn't mean to do it. But what was I supposed to do when I heard her crying in her room? What was I supposed to do when I knew my beloved 妈妈 was in pain?

I wanted 'parents' because I wanted to rely on someone else to take care of my emotional state for me. I wanted to let go of my own worries and just trust in someone else to be able to take care of everything, to care for me. To comfort me when I needed it. Sure, friends could comfort me too, but it was different. The kind of parents I wanted to have… would be strong. Comforting. Responsible. I wanted a mother who wouldn't need me to be the stronger one...

I wanted an 'older brother' because I wanted someone who would protect and take care of me. I just wanted someone who would take responsibility for me. Because I didn't want to have to be responsible for myself.

And frankly, I didn't want to force anyone else to have to take responsibility for me.

But Wanda offered. And Seb was so delighted to have me. And Blue had been so lonely and desperate and wanting me-

(I went to dad a lot for venting and complaining and crying. That was fine. Dad was dad. And even if he didn't do much more than listen and hold me, that was fine too, because I just needed someone to listen. I didn't want advice, I didn't want people telling me what to do. I didn't want other people telling me what they wanted me to do. I just wanted to complain until I got it out of my system so I could start finding my own solution. Dad was trying to be more like a 'dad' recently, which was kind of nice but also kinda weird in a weird way- but he shouldn't be concerning himself with me. He was busy! He had tons of other work to do! The occasional day out was fine because surely even the AXOLOTL needed a break too. And Time Baby. I swear half the reason he was always so cranky was because he was more of a workaholic than I was-)

I shouldn't be wanting my friends to feel like they need to...

But they did! And that just… made me so happy. They cared about me enough that they wanted to...

But they shouldn't. It wasn't fair!

Neither was anything else in life, I guess.

I sniffled. MoZha was humming a soft melody. She was being very supportive too. I kept on forcing the people around me to comfort me. That wasn't fair for them. But god damn, I felt so… happy. It hurt. But I was so happy.

It was all fucked up.

Who was I supposed to rely on here? Who was I supposed to depend on?

I needed to be stronger. So I wouldn't fall apart like this. Hell. I have kids. I have babies who are gonna grow up eventually. And I was not, will not, allow them to be forced to actively comfort me. I was their mother. It was my job to comfort them. I shouldn't be letting my friends do it too. Or anyone else who wasn't supposed to-

So stop feeling so happy about this! Uuuugh. Why did I feel this way? All warm and fuzzy and giddy?! I shouldn't be happy about burdening my friends with me! I shouldn't...

"Little spirit? Do you want to sing with me? As we used to do when I was a child?"

I blinked back to the present. I looked up at MoZha. I really looked. She was just a kid when I first met her. And now here she was, all grown up and amazing, and wonderful and I just-

I've been making her comfort me too, wasn't I?

Why was I always so-

But even with my guilt, I couldn't help but hum when she began singing. We harmonized together and she let go of me to take my hand instead.

We danced.

And eventually, I began laughing.

Not the maniacal one I had learned to make over the years. A soft and bubbly sound, carefree.

MoZha held my hand. And she asked if I would like to stay for a while. Here with her on Earth. To help her as she did what I did for her. Teach people. Protect people. Her people. And I considered it. It was tempting. But the mention of the children she had been teaching reminded me of my own. "Perhaps some other time. I can come visit. But I have my own duties."

She smiled in understanding. "Alright. I will endeavor to help my family and my people. Come and visit me anytime." She leaned in to press her forehead to mine. I wavered a bit before coming to a decision. "I will grant you a Blessing." I told her. "You can choose others to make like yourself, a living Soul who persists after death."

Her eyes widened.

"Sure, they're gonna have to find vessels, but I'm sure there are plenty of statues and sculptures around." I chuckled. I didn't want her to be lonely. "Oh course, they would have to agree to it." I warned her. MoZha simply laughed. "Oh little spirit, you truly are the greatest thing to ever happen to me."

Well I didn't know about that, but I was trying not to tear up at how grateful I was that MoZha was so happy about her situation. I… had a lot to think about. But right now, I just really wanted to hold my children.

I bid MoZha good luck, and I went home to tell my Friends that I was going out to Seb's place again. And then I slipped out of my vessel, the body turning into a stone statue as I left it.

Perhaps… After checking on my kids, I could try spending a bit more time on my own Earth.