Illusion is Reality

Chapter 152

-From within-

"What kind of mother would you like me to be?" I asked Invidia as I held him up. He giggled at my serious expression and reached out to pat my face. "Well, I suppose you're the oldest, so you'll be in charge of taking care of your younger siblings. I'll just deal with figuring myself out." Invidia yawned, fussing as he wanted to lie down. I placed him back down on the bed. Some of the others were half napping, while the more active ones were slowly crawling around. They were growing so fast.

"I wanna take you home with me so bad." I picked up Ira to give her(?) some mommy-play-time. S/he(?) grumbled and kicked their feet. I didn't know how to refer to the kids since they were still so young that I don't think I can really tell what they identify as. I guess it doesn't matter. I'll refer to them as I do, and once they're old enough, they'll just tell me what they are. What's more important is that I need to figure out how to bring them to my Set. I bounced Ira a little until she complained and I put her down. Hm. I've been stuck in the room all day. Bored~ "Alright kids. We're going on a field trip!" I declared.

I flicked my fingers to float them up beside me. "Let's go see what Fordsie's up to~" I sang as I skipped merrily out of the room with the floating babies all in a row behind me. "Ob-siiii!" Acedia squealed. I cackled. "Yup! Fordsie! He's at work right now, but everyone's been vaccinated, and still wearing masks, so I think we're good to go!"

I waved bye to Melody and Soos as they fixed up the Shack. Summer was coming soon, which meant tourists. And yeah, I'm still a little miffed about every place opening back up so soon, but with all the vaccines made and given out so far, they were thinking everything would be safe enough by summer. Well, everyone was going to be visiting Gravity Falls for the summer, so I was looking forward to that.

I double checked my clothes before I left the house, 'cause I wasn't allowed to just go outside in nothing but my pajamas. Not fair I can't just waltz around without a bra anymore. Oh wait. I can!

Between one step and the next, I shifted from Yun to Jan and grinned. The kids started letting off fire once we left the barrier, but it would be suppressed once more when we entered the Center. Safety precautions and all. I knew how to circumnavigate the unicorn barrier, but they didn't. The receptionist at the front desk of the Center looked up, blinked in confusion at the sight of me, and then looked over at the babies floating behind me. "...Miss Yun?" She asked.

"Close but not quite!" I grinned, adjusting my mask to make sure it was covering me properly with one hand, and brushing some of my hair back with another. "I'm Yun when female. But you can call me Jan right now."

She nodded, just accepting that. "Are you here to see Dr. Pines?"

"Yup." I reached back to stroke Avaritia's cheek. "Gonna have a little field trip with the kids."

The receptionist, uhh, I think her name's Fanette, smiled. "Oh that's adorable." I got my day pass and strode on in, my children trailing behind me like little ducklings. They were staring in wonder at all the shiny metallic surfaces. I passed a few of the other scientists and waved at them, swaying my hips and giving them some playful winks.

I haven't been Jan in too long. Yun's great and all, but she's been bogged down with taking care of the kids 24/7 and I really wanted to play around a little. Ford's been working all the time and we haven't been able to spend much time together with me stuck at the house. I was gonna just barge into Ford's lab but I paused. Oh right. I knocked on the door.

"Who is it?"

"You've got a 1 out of 6 chances of guessing." I called out. "Or is it 1 out of 10? I guess I could keep raising that number if I got bored enough to make more."

"...Jan?" The door opened and Ford blinked down at me. I jumped on him, wrapping my arms around his shoulders. "You remembered!"

Ford stumbled back a little, but he was smiling. "Well of course I did."

I buried my face in the crook between his neck and shoulder. "Can I hang out here today?"

Ford glanced at the babies floating and rotating slowly in midair. Then he patted my head. "Alright." he walked backward back into his lab, since I was still hanging off him, and waited for the babies to float inside before he closed the door. "Just as long as you keep the kids away from my work."

"Pffth~ I'll have you know that I've got more lab safety experience than you." I waved a hand and created a little playpen in an unoccupied space to float the babies into. A few of them were standing up to look around, enthralled by the new things they probably didn't remember seeing when they were here before.

"Oh?" Ford raised an eyebrow. I shrugged. "For one thing, I know what safety rails are."

"You have literally zero safety rails in the Death Star." Ford deadpanned. I waved him off. "I said LAB safety. House-ship safety is different."

"I am now worried about what is going to happen once you take your kids back to your side…"

"I'll give 'em those little floaty pool rings with shields."

"And the various death traps you saw fit to litter your house with?" Ford was trying and failing to hide a smirk.

"It's a learning experience." I purred, caressing Ford's shoulders as I smiled up at him. "Maybe I want them to grow up learning how to duck and dodge buzzsaws."

"What sort of upbringing are you imagining here…" Ford drawled, wrapping his arms around me to carry me over to his workbench. There was a half-built lightbox on it. Probably from Ford's latest hyper-fixation. He sometimes did that. Getting struck with a new idea and leaving his WIP projects to the side as he worked on this new one until he got distracted by another new idea.

The portal watch was more or less complete. I'll need to look over the latest security features on it. I doubt it would ever be publicly released. Too much of a chance for people to misuse it. I suppose… if we put up a setting to only be allowed to put portals in predetermined spots. And limit how many locations their watch can portal to… Like they have three to five saved locations on their watch and if they wanted a new one, they had to overwrite one of their saved...

I sat on his work table and looked around. "Have you got the paperwork done on everything?" I knew for a fact that his paper and patent for the Plantimals (based on the Acorn Puppy and Maple Kittens I made) only got published because me and Stan sat him down to work on them.

My Sixer was brilliant, but he was a terrible scientist. Like… simply awful at it.

Proper Science required you to make a hypothesis, controls for your experiments to test different things to gather data to help support or disprove that hypothesis-

Hell, writing and publishing papers to update people on said experiments and stuff!

Ford… eh… he was the kind of guy who, let me see, keeps his research a secret and refuses to let anyone know about it before he 'was finished with his theory' because he was paranoid about other scientists stealing his research or work and publishing it first and therefore gaining all the fame and glory for themselves before he could. I mean… when a guy idolizes Tesla and knows about how the man was screwed over by assholes, I can see why he felt that way.

But it was more than that.

Fordsie was… kinda selfish sometimes. He's always been rather selfish. Self centered. Growing up with trauma and self confidence issues, combined with his superiority complex and self esteem based solely around his 'intelligence' (which was 'decided' by school grades and praise from teachers, measuring his 'worth' in letters and numbers that ultimately held no meaning) meant he felt like the world was against him. Anything bad that happened was the fault of a world that didn't see how amazing and special he was. Any setback or struggle or obstacle he encountered was an unfair blockade that the world was unfairly throwing at him.

That was how he felt about it when he was younger.

Which was why he and Seb had so many issues when they were kids. What with their shit dad purposely comparing them and making Ford feel like he had to do 'better' than Seb to have any worth-

They'd worked through most of it now, as adults. But frankly, I couldn't help but feel like the only reason they got along as well as they did nowadays, was because Seb didn't go into science.

If Sebastian had pursued a career in the scientific field, I suspect Ford would have unconsciously seen him as competition. The main crux of the problem with Ford was that he tended to compare himself to others. And while I knew it wasn't healthy, at least it was manageable. And I'm not criticizing him for feeling such a thing, I mean, I do it too. I can't help but compare myself with Seb or Blue, and finding myself… lacking.

Seb was such a good person. It's amazing, really. With all the shit he went through in life, I'd have expected him to turn cold and angry at the world. Defensive and paranoid and untrusting. (Like Blue.)

But Seb was so… warm.

He still found it in his heart to trust and care for people. Not everything and everyone of course, but he easily forgave Ford for all the shit they went through together, and he accepted me as his sister with no fuss whatsoever. I admire that about him. How easily he could love. It took a lot to really make him write someone off.

And Blue was… well, he was just super amazing. Smart and confidant and powerful and being around him always made me feel so stupid. He had an answer to everything, and he would bring up ideas I've never even thought of. He's helped me so much. He taught me how to sleep, he got me to try and build auto-pilots for the pillar system, he urged me to work at controlling my psychic abilities...

...And he was just so cool.

I just… felt so stupid around him. Like everything I did was the incorrect answer on a test I'd thought I studied for. Anything I thought I knew, or understood was quickly shot down. And it wore on me. Being wrong all the time about everything. I know that… if I simply obeyed Blue and did what he told me to do, things would be better. But I just didn't feel right about doing so.

"No I haven't finalized any of my other patents. They're not finished anyway… Jan?" Ford's voice broke through my thoughts. I was lounging on his work table, it was surprisingly comfortable up here. I turned my head to face him. Ford was frowning. "Are you alright?"

"...you want the honest answer or the easy answer?"

"...honest?"

I sighed. "I've… had a lot on my mind." I stretched, shifting to lie on my side, my shirt riding up with the movement to expose my belly. "Thinking about a bunch of stuff I've learned about toxic relationships, my own trauma, my own terrible behavior, my own inadequacies…"

"You're not inadequate. You're amazing." Ford placed a hand on my head, petting me the way I'd trained him to do. I felt the warm burning of his praise inside me. "And we've talked about the toxic-type stuff. If anything comes up, we'll talk through it together again." He patted my hair. "I love you. And I want to make sure we're understanding each other."

I paused. Should I trust him to ask him? The worst case scenario is that Ford decides he doesn't love me anymore. But he's already my Zodiac. I couldn't change it. (Or could I? My Zodiac didn't work the same way that Blue's did. Or even the local Bill's. Or even that Reverse Flatland Bill's. So… maybe I could change up my Zodiac if I wanted. But I didn't want to lose Ford. I like him. I think I even love him. Not that I really understood what it meant to love someone romantically. But this fluttery feeling must be it. The desire to be with him, to have time alone together with him, must be it.

"Well, I'm… feeling bad that I'm always putting you in embarrassing situations because I find it amusing." I confessed and apologized. "I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I've been trying to tone myself down."

Ford blinked at me. "Is that why you've been so… subdued? I just thought you've been too tired from taking care of the kids." Really dude, if you noticed, you should have mentioned something. He reached out to take my chin, tilting my face up to look at him. "Jan, it's fine if you want to have fun. Sure, sometimes it's a bit much, I know I'm not comfortable with being paraded around in front of my staff in skimpy clothing, but just… ask me first, if you want to do something."

"But what if what I want to do is see you being all flustered and embarrassed because I think it's adorable?"

Ford blinked. Then he blushed. "Well, you have very strange tastes. But once again, just… erm… ask me first." He rubbed a hand along his neck. "I mean… I don't like being humiliated. That's a very different story from being teased."

I stared at him. "You know all your staff think we do kinky sex in here."

Ford sputtered.

I tilted my head. "And once I realized what everyone thought, I allowed and encouraged this misunderstanding because I found it funny."

Ford choked a little before regaining his composure. "Well, yes. I know. Why are you bringing this up right now?"

Moment of truth here. I sat up, leaning right up against him. "Because I enjoy the way it flusters everyone. And I feel guilty about it. I'm feeling guilty about having fun and enjoying other people's discomfort." I was so close to him that my breath fogged up his glasses. "So? What should I do? What do you think should be done about this?"

Ford didn't back away, though his hands did come up to hold onto my hips as I leaned against him on the edge of the table. "Does it hurt anyone?"

"I don't know. Does it? I can't always tell if I'm hurting anyone's feelings."

"Well, I have trouble with that too." Ford told me. "And if you are, shouldn't you just apologize to them?"

"What if apologies don't work? What if it just makes things worse?" From what I understand from Blue, saying 'sorry' in his Set meant that I wasn't actually sorry. And even if I was sorry, the apology apparently didn't count unless I never ever did the thing that upset that person again. But I didn't want to give up on the things that I found fun. And… that was just selfish too, wasn't it?

I was such a terrible person.

Ford frowned at me. "What is this really about?"

"I find joy in things that most people are very against. And I want to be a better person, a nicer person, who wouldn't upset other people, or hurt their feelings. But doing so would mean giving up on what I enjoy."

He blinked. "Do you enjoy killing people?"

"I like hunting for food, does that count?"

"Do you consider humans food?"

"No."

"Do you consider people like you or me and other sentient species, food?"

"Not usually."

Ford raised an eyebrow at that. "Well. I trust your judgement." (I sighed. "You shouldn't.") Ford smirked at that. "I'll trust you anyway." He leaned in and kissed my forehead.

"Don't see the problem." Ford shrugged. "I know you're a good person. You have issues, sure. But you're doing fine."

"Am I?" I sighed, leaning back and stretching until my joints popped. "What if I decide I want to force all of you to be immortal? Or if I Changed things here so that people don't die when they die, and they'll just exist in the Mindscape, where they can possess physical things to 'come back' or if they could just create a new body to inhabit and just live and die again, repeating until they want to pass on?"

"You really have thought of what Blue suggested." Ford sighed, placing a hand on my shoulder. "I personally think that some people might enjoy that." He admitted. "There are plenty of people who don't want to die. Or would want to have more time to finish what they haven't gotten a chance to do." He paused. "I confess, your version sounds a little better than his."

"In what way?" I blinked.

"Well, sending all the dead to the Mindscape gives them a place to gather themselves. Giving them the ability to choose to come back by creating another form, or to simply be some sort of ghost-like being is more practical than being able to come back and also get to be whoever they want…" Ford frowned in thought. "You also gave them the option to pass on."

I shrugged. Not sure? "I just… well, I tried making an afterlife. Most people chose to pass on. I dunno. Blue mentioned making it so that everyone could be happy and have whatever they wanted always… but… when I asked for how that would work if someone's wants are for someone else, he mentioned just finding a another alternate version of that other person who would want to go along with what the other person wanted out of them." I pouted. "I just… don't know how to go about doing that. Blue suggested getting my Dad to make the Souls for me, to create new people to fulfill the wants of all other people… I don't… like it…" Like the example I had of a Gideon who wanted Mabel to love him back. Blue suggested finding an alternative Mabel who did like Gideon and putting them together. But it wasn't right. It wasn't the same. Because that Mabel wouldn't be the person that Gideon liked. It was a different person. So wouldn't Gideon just say 'no' to it anyway because he only wanted the Mabel that he had fallen in lust with? Alternates were the same person, but not the SAME person.

Ford raised an eyebrow. "Well. If you don't like it, then you don't like it. Stop concerning yourself with what Blue wants you to do." He held one of my hands, rubbing his thumb along my skin and making the dark melanin swirl at the contact. "I think he's cool too, but he clearly doesn't deserve my regard. I really don't know how Lee puts up with him."

I looked away. Ford liked Lee. Because Lee was super cool too.

But Lee was on Blue's side. And I didn't have an issue with that. Lee was Blue's Line. Of course he would be on Blue's side.

Lee didn't like me. He didn't want to be my friend, in my definition of the word. And he was perfectly willing to blame me for my Door to Blue's set not working. Even after Blue confirmed that it was his AXOLOTL who locked the door, I wasn't feeling any better about it.

"Lee's used to the way Blue is. Blue raised him to be that way." If the two of them had been a couple instead of 'business partners', I could have called it grooming. Regardless, Lee was on Blue's side and I'm glad Blue has someone who would be able to handle him, be by his side. I'm glad Blue isn't alone anymore.

"That… sounds kind of messed up when you put it like that…" Ford grimaced.

"...should we stop talking about this?" I suggested.

"Yes. Unless you have any other worries you wish to tell me?"

I hesitated. "Should I even be telling you this stuff?" I wasn't sure what sorts of things one was allowed to rely on a significant other for. Ford was my boyfriend. And I knew what that was supposed to mean based on books and shows about it. But I've never actually dated anyone before this point. How the heck would I know what was appropriate?

...and yes. I know it's kinda weird that I had kids with him despite not knowing how romance worked.

All I knew was that being around him made me happy. He made me feel like… like maybe I was actually not as bad of a person as I thought I was. But I also felt guilty. Like I was tricking Ford into thinking I was the type of wonderful person he believed I was.

Actually, I have this same guilty feeling with my friends sometimes, but it's less intense because my friends are all hot messes, so my own hot mess feels better around them. Of course my friends would think I'm a good person. My competition was the general apathy or dictatorship of the rest of those in power. Of course I would seem like the 'nice' one in comparison.

But Ford was Seb's brother. He knew Seb. How kind and wonderful Seb was. And even with Seb as the example for a 'good person', Fordsie still told me I was one too. And I liked it. It made me happy. But I also felt like I was just deceiving Ford like the local Bill did. Sometimes I worry about that.

"You can pre-face with trigger warnings if you're worried. I can tell you if I'm up to listening or not."

I thought about it. "Well, right now, I don't wanna think about stressful stuff. It's bad for my complexion."

Ford let out a surprised laugh. "Oh don't worry so much." He leaned in to brush my hair back. "You're beautiful as always."

"Of course I am. I built this form to be so." I pouted.

"That's not what I mean." Ford laughed again. "The way you are. It's adorable." He looked over at the kids. "I'm actually in a lull while I'm waiting for some data to compile. I'm technically free for the rest of the day. Do you want to… go do something fun. For you? I know I haven't been spending much time with you recently."

I gasped, placing a hand on my chest and swooning back. "Why Fordsie! Art thou asking me on a date?"

"Um… yes?"

"Don't say that like it's a question!"

Ford chuckled, placing his hand on my cheek. "Jan, would you like to go on a date with me?" He asked, pitching his voice to be low and sexy.

Goddamn my poor heart was going doki-doki.

"And what sort of date will this be~?" I purred, wrapping my hands around his neck and shoulders. He lifted me easily and placed a hand at my lower back to support me. "Well, we could make use of my portal watch to go to any restaurant in the world. And maybe cuddle together while watching a show you like. And then…"

He ran his hand through my hair. "We could wrestle. Haven't been able to do that since your pregnancy. And with the babies taking all of my bed."

I burst out laughing. "Oh Fordsie! I can easily move the kids out of the way. You've got enough space. They've got a crib you know?"

"I just don't think we should have them in the same room while you're getting off on being tied up by me." Ford deadpanned. I blinked. "Ok yes, I see your point. How about I make another room for them? They'll need one anyway once they're older."

He looked thoughtful. "Yes. I think they should have their own room. I'll need to figure out where to-"

"Dude. I can build more rooms wherever I want." I wasn't limited to physical space.

"Is it safe to have the children in a sub-space room?"

"I'm very careful when building Spaces. I learned from Dad." Fully stable and cannot be collapsed without my express say-so. An essential whole new stable dimension. "More importantly, yes. I would love to have you caress me all~ over~" I teasingly brushed my hair back, grinning up at him.

"Perv." Ford laughed, nuzzling his nose against mine. "So… lunch, a few episodes and then debauchery?"

"Well~ Lunch sounds fantastic, though I'm not up for a restaurant visit yet." I admitted. "So… picnic near a collapsing star?" There was one a few million light years away in another dimension and I figured it was a romantic enough location.

"With radiation shields and all other sorts of barriers to keep us from being vaporized or blinded?" Ford quirked the edge of his mouth.

"Naturally! And no one around for light years because they all evacuated months ago!" I cheered. "Just front row seats to the destruction of a red giant as it supernovas in real time." It wouldn't be that long, only taking a little less than two minutes for the explosion itself. Which was what made it so spectacular! And I was thinking to take us there a good 10 minutes before to set up and watch the build up.

"...that actually sounds amazing." Ford blinked. "Can I bring some of my equipment to record it?"

I poked his nose. "Of course!"

He paused. "...are you suggesting the location for me or for yourself?"

"Eh… no point in a date if we're not both having fun." I waved off. Then I squeaked when he pulled me up against his chest in a hug. "Ack!"

"I love you, so much." Ford whispered as he buried his head into my hair.

"It's not that big a deal Fordsie!" I wiggled. "I like watching things get destroyed, you like space stuff."

He just laughed. "Would you like me to make the food for this picnic or…?"

"I was thinking we could spend a day together, cooking together, snuggling…"

"You're really going to take advantage of the fact that I have a day free."

"Of course!" I pouted. "I don't get to see you as much anymore."

"Well…" Ford glanced over at the kids. "I think the children are old enough you can take them here to the lab to spend the day… so we can hang out here in the lab if you get lonely?"

I thought about it. Yeah. That was good. I missed helping them out here. Made me feel like I was useful. "But first! Lets go make our picnic lunch!" I went to get the kids from the playpen. I think I'll just leave it here, if Ford didn't mind, if I was going to be coming here more often after all. They immediately clung to me like little koala babies. Avaritia was reaching for my chest. "I literally just fed you guys."

"Sandwiches are good." Ford followed me out after checking and adjusting a few dials on his equipment. "Pretty sure we have plenty of sliced meats and cheese."

"Melody made from chicken salad yesterday. Should still have some left. I'll ask her if we can have it." I think there's still some of the bread I made, and the arroz con leche that Abuelita made...

"Oh, you're heading out, boss?" We passed the interns in the hall. Viola and Estania waved at the babies, making faces at them. Terrence was grinning at Ford.

"Ah, yes. There's not much I need to do today for my work."

"So we're going on a date!" I cheered. Estonia did a double take when looking at me, but didn't say anything about how 'Yun' was now a man.

"Have fun." Terrence waved at us as we walked past them.

Fun.

I wondered if that word was supposed to cause this much anxiety.

I did want to have fun. But if I thought too hard about it… I couldn't enjoy myself anymore. I gripped Ford's hand tighter as I waved goodbye to the interns. We made it out with no further incident and Ford watched me float all the babies into newly materialized high chairs around the kitchen.

"Are you alright?"

I bustled around the kitchen without answering. I felt Ford come up and rub my shoulders. "You're agitated."

"It's fine."

"Do you need to talk? If not to me, then… to your therapist?"

"I can do that later." I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Part of me just feels like I've been getting worse the more I try to be better."

Ford rubbed my shoulders, slowly massaging me with those strong hands of his.

"Maybe… don't try to be 'better'? I think you're fine just as you are. You're wonderful when you're being 'you'."

"Which 'me' do you mean?" I couldn't help but snap before I tensed and ducked my head. "Sorry. I didn't mean to get mad."

"No. It's fine." Ford assured me. "Jan, Bill, you're different in your different forms, yes. But you're still you. All the other yous are just aspects of your personality. They're all still you."

"Which one do you like best?"

Ford sighed. "Please don't ask me that. I love you. Whichever you that you feel like being. I admit, I like the different 'yous' in different ways, for different reasons. But they're all still you. Frankly, it's kind of nice to have a variety."

"...I'm sorry…" I turned my head to face him. "I keep lashing out at people. And I know I shouldn't."

"Lashing out is a problem. At least you notice it." Ford said, only a little self deprecating. "Are you going to try and not do that?"

"So there are things you agree I have to change about myself."

"Changing your responses to things, isn't the same as changing yourself." Ford wrapped his arms around me. "Ashton, worked with me a lot on my… erm… paranoid responses to threats and such." He laid his head on mine. "My responses were due to my trauma. And I'm sure your lashing out is due to your own. So, you learning to not do that anymore isn't you changing yourself, it's you healing from what hurt you so you can more truly be yourself."

I had my head turned away now, so he couldn't see what my expression was. Hell, I didn't really know what my expression was. "Did Ashton teach you that?"

"Yes." Ford nuzzled his head into my hair. "You know me, I'm a bit of an idiot, so I wouldn't think of something like that on my own." I hoped Ford couldn't tell I was shaking. Nope. He could definitely tell. Because he was rubbing my arms and turning me around to face him. He paused when I turned my face up to him. He placed a hand on my cheek. "...Are you alright?"

"I don't know." I said honestly. "What do I look like right now?"

"...You have no expression on."

"Don't I?" I asked, more calmly than I felt.

"You're clearly agitated, I can feel you shaking."

"Ah." I blinked slowly. I think I'm doing that thing where I look calm on the outside while panicking. Am I panicking? I don't think that's the right word here. I was clearly shaken up by something, but I wasn't quite sure what… what I was feeling right now.

"Jan? Do you want to sit down? I can make lunch. You… hug one of the kids or something."

"...Yeah. Ok." I walked over to a chair and sat down heavily, running a hand through my hair. I looked over at the kids. The highchairs I materialized had little block toys attached to them. They were on a little rail so they could pull each of the little blocks across on the rail. Or spin them. Or just touch them. It worked to keep the kids distracted. I could see Luxuria leaning forward to bite it. I reached out to caress the twins. They were energetic today, which was good. I noticed Superbia was more lethargic than their twin. I worried about their health, as conjoined twins they had a bit of strain against each other. But I've seen species with multiple heads and limbs. I would need to help them with back and leg muscle exercises, to strengthen them. Maybe get them a harness. "Hey. You two are going to be ok." I told them, poking Vanagloria's cheek.

"Uwee oke!" She squealed. "Yup. You're ok." I agreed. I turned to Ford. "Also. I think we should bring the kids with us for the picnic."

"Huh?" Ford looked up from where he was slathering some mayo on bread slices. "So it's not just an 'us two' thing?"

"If we're gonna be going out for a while, I don't want to leave the kids behind. Melody is already busy with Maria and her new pregnancy, and I think the kids should get to watch a supernova too."

"Fair enough." Ford layered on the thin sliced turkey. "You and the kids are a matched set afterall."

I paused a little. "You're fine with these kids. But not with Ammy."

"He stresses me out. I don't know how to handle him. You know this." Ford packed the sandwiches. "If he was a real child, it'd be one thing, but he's millions of years old."

"He is the way he is. And he's not hurting anyone." I took this time to run my hands along Gula's black hair, she was getting it in her mouth. Their hair grew fast. Might have to trim them soon.

"Jan, do you seriously want to bring Ammy along for our date? The babies, I am ok with, but you do realize that having Ammy around for our date would defeat the purpose of it?"

"Oh. So you're just saying that you don't want Ammy around for our date." I straightened.

Ford let out a soft laugh. "Yes. That's what I meant. I'm ok with the babies being with us during a date. Not Ammy. When we're not on a date, you can have Ammy here whenever. He just can't live here full time."

Ok that made sense. "Even if he's annoying?" I smirked.

"Yes." Ford sighed. "As long as he's not bothering me at work, or pestering any of my employees."

Ok that was fair. Hm. Knowing what I do about myself now, and what I've read on the subject, I wondered if Ammy was somewhere on the spectrum. He's an alien, so I don't think his mind works the same way, but if he WAS considered on the spectrum in human terms, then he's someone who never bothered to mask.

I frowned at the thought. I masked most of the time. I realize that now, knowing the words and terms to describe it. Shifting my behavior to match those around me to fit in was second nature. I guess this was part of the reason why I didn't know who I really was. How much of me is just the persona I wear to face the world? I remember thinking this before, as a human. Of wondering which 'me' was the real me.

Because the 'me' with my parents wasn't the same as the 'me' with my friends, with my teachers, with my co-workers… But they're all still me.

Miz wasn't the same as Bill, wasn't the same as Jan, wasn't the same as Xin. But they're all still me.

Did I even have a true self?

I considered Bill to be my true self, especially now that I know that in some other dimension exists a Zyun-Jan in the 'real' world. But so much of the 'me' as Bill was built around what I thought Bill Cipher should be. Out in public with people who didn't know me personally, I put on a show.

So who was I supposed to be if I dropped that? A stressed ball of anxiety who didn't like talking to people I didn't like who was scared of everything. I… Couldn't be THAT when out in space, I'd be torn apart by people wanting to use me. I needed my confident mask.

I felt Ford come over to hug me again. I couldn't help but relax. "Jan? Are you alright?"

"What sort of expression am I making?"

"You looked distressed for a moment before going blank again."

"Is it worrying you?"

"Well, I can honestly say yes. But that doesn't mean I want you to stop expressing yourself when you're upset. I'm kind of an idiot so I wouldn't notice if you don't have some sort of 'tell'." He brushed my bangs back. "And I want to know, so I can help you."

"What if I can't be helped?" I pouted.

"Then I will work harder to try." Ford's hands felt so nice on my skin. On my scalp. I closed my eyes, leaning into the touch. "Touch me." I told him.

"Alright."

He scratched at my scape, rubbed his fingers around my ears and down the back of my neck. I allowed my empathy to open a crack to catch a taste (filtered before absorption) of what he was feeling.

Calm. Content. Pleased. Fascinated.

Oh. He was watching the swirls on my skin as he pet me. It was a cool effect, but it was just skin cells with pigments inside that expressed the color when the muscles flexed or were pressed and caused the cell to expand or contract.

Kinda like a chameleon, or an octopus. But less impressive since it only went to pitch black.

I allowed my head to roll back, relaxing as he stroked my head and neck. "Mmm…"

"It's really tense up here." Ford commented, squeezing the back of my neck. "I think our cuddle time will also have to be massage time."

"You do me and I do you?"

"Naturally." Ford confirmed.

My heart fluttered. "Naked~?" I teased.

Ford huffed. "Of course you would. Sure. Naked massage. Are you going to get off on it?"

"Maybe. Depends." I hoped he couldn't see me blushing. "Would you mind if I did?"

"As long as I don't have to touch anything I'm not comfortable with touching."

"I can go off to masturbate behind a curtain if I start getting worked up." I assured him.

"Thank you."

He let go and went back to preparing lunch. I was calmer now, quietly waving a nearby stuffed toy at Invidia. He was more interested in my hand, so I laid it down to let him poke and squeeze it. I laid my other arms across their highchairs so everyone could play with them. I swear my heart was gonna break when Vanagloria curled her tiny little hand around my finger. They're just so cute!

Seriously. The cutest babies in all the world. I sprouted more arms to pull out my Com and snap some photos. Who's the cutest sweeties? You are!

"Alright. Gonna go grab my equipment and then we can go?" Ford asked, coming over with the large bag filled with the various sandwiches and tea in thermoses. I spotted some tupperware with fruit and cheese as well. I pushed myself up, lifting the children as I went. "I can get your stuff. Let's go."

We held hands as I blinked us all away, a little family outing to space and the horrible wonders found there. The strongest shield in all the multiverse surrounded us. It was semi-permeable. Only letting in visible light up to 50-60 lumens max. 80 would be enough to flashblind a human, and a star, so close by, was well above the safe threshold for human eyes to handle. So the star didn't even look as bright as what they would see from Earth (around 90) and NOWHERE near it's actual brightness (over 98000) but I was going for safety, not accuracy.

"Huh." Ford looked up at the roiling, imploding star. "I expected brighter."

"I'm limiting it. So you don't go blind." I placed the babies down, or rather, I let go and allowed them to float around here in my bubble of safety.

Aside from visible light, my shield also blocked most of the heat, only allowing a comfortable 70 degrees fahrenheit. And radiation? Heh. Nope. Not getting in. Not gonna allow any ultraviolet light in, just as a precaution. Blocking radio, x-rays, gamma and so on as well. And then, of course, the bubble had to be unaffected by the gravitational pull of the star. There was a little gravity inside the bubble, us to each other, and a sort of 'ground' for us to sit and set things down on. But it wasn't gravity enough to cause back problems from essentially hunching over. We weren't really supported by anything, which also meant we weren't being stressed against anything.

"Wouldn't that throw off my readings?" Ford blinked.

"Your equipment would be vaporized from this range anyway." I took the food out to lay out a little meal. "I can modify part of this bubble to mimic being on Earth, distance-wise plus the natural diffusion from the atmosphere to lessen the amount of radiation, and let it blast your equipment?"

"Yes please. Thank you." Ford 'knelt' down to help me set up our picnic. "How long before supernova?" He asked as we finished laying stuff out.

I glanced around. "Like… 10 minutes?"

"Enough time to set up my equipment. Look at it. It's got rings!" Ford nudged a floating Avaritia aside. The boy grumbled and grabbed onto Ford's arm. "Oh. Well. I'm down an arm now." Ford laughed and just held it out at his side while working with his remaining arm. Little Ava wrapped his arms and legs around Ford's arm posessively. Well, I attributed the behavior to being possessive, since it's what I would do, but I don't think someone not even two years old was capable of that. I didn't really know how quickly these guys were gonna be developing. All I was getting off him was a sense of comfort from being close to 'daddy'.

They didn't have a full idea of what 'daddy' and 'mommy' was. Not in the entire sense of it. But there was a vague feeling of 'trust' that they associated with me and Ford. And to a lesser extent, Soos, Melody and Abuelita.

And of course, the feeling of 'love' in a simple, basic way. Love was complicated. So the flavor coming off my children was somewhat mild. Shallow? No, that wasn't the right way to put it.

It was simple, you could almost call it… uncomplex. Which would normally mean bland. But this taste… it wasn't bland. It was… how do I describe this?

Their 'love' was a deep feeling. Whole-hearted. They trusted and relied on me. And for the most part, I don't think I've let them down yet. So their love was untainted by hesitation or moderation. They LOVED us. With all their being. Because they didn't know anything else.

From what I've experienced with Pyrone, Penelope and Quackers, that love would become tempered over time. Experience and age would deepen the flavor into something unique and complex. Sweet and comforting. Something with so many subtle nuances that I wouldn't be able to fully analyze or understand what exactly that 'love' meant to them. And that was fine. That was great. Wonderful. An intelligent sort of love with all the complicated emotions mixed in was better than some blind, flat love. I shook my head, closing my senses into just the barest crack once again.

Too much and I was gonna get sick.

I had a hand to my chest, feeling the way the heart in this vessel thumped heavily. It hurt a little. Like something inside me was repulsed by the very idea of this unconditional love. I gave my chest a few smacks. Settle down you stupid! I can get as much love as I want! I ignored how tight I felt. I was going to enjoy myself today, and I wasn't gonna let my stupid demon-ness ruin it.

Ford sat down beside me after he set up his equipment. I waved it off to the side in a sectioned off area of the bubble that none of the kids could get near, since it was dangerous over there with the slightly weakened bubble. He wrapped his free arm around me. "Is this what is considered romantic?" he wondered aloud, leaning his head against mine as we looked up at the roiling star before us. The children were staring in awe, squealing at the sight.

"I guess so?" I picked up a sandwich and bit into it. "Ooh! It's good." I praised. He slathered more mayo onto the bread slices, giving it an extra bit of creaminess. The celery was crisp, the meat was juicy. Mmmm~ chicken salad sandwich~

We pressed closer together as the star exploded. The children squealed. Ford squealed too. Almost got as high pitched as the kids, which was a surprise. They """Oooooh~"""-ed as the plasma shot out and the star rapidly expelled it's mass outward. I glanced over at him and I could see the reflection of the sight on his glasses. It blocked out his eyes so I couldn't make them out, but there was a wide grin on his face. He was relaxed and the hand on my shoulder was rubbing slowly.

The explosion died, but the blast wave continued spreading, flung out and around/through us, a colorful mass of yellows and reds. Some pinks and greens were littered around, and I leaned against Ford's shoulder, watching it all.

Some of the clouds of matter (mostly heavy metals and other elements) created from the explosion were beginning to ever so slowly clump together. It would take years and years for a new star to be born from the corpse of this old one, but for now, we were surrounded by the gas shell. Just… space dust, everywhere.

"Looks like this one didn't turn into a black hole." I joked a little. Ford let out a slow breath. "That…" His tone sounded strange. "That was amazing..."

I blinked and looked over, opening my empathy a tiny crack to try and see what he was feeling. My eyes widened. "Are you-" I looked down at his pants. Ford clamped his legs together and coughed. "Um…"

"Well. Now I know what gets YOU excited." I grinned. He just nodded, face red. I patted his shoulder. "It's fine. I'm glad you enjoyed yourself." I took another bite of my sandwich. "Do you want me to put up a curtain so you can take care of it while me and the kids give you some privacy?"

"Can I have a separate bubble, with the curtains and privacy settings?" Ford asked, his face still red. I shoved the rest of the sandwich in my mouth. "Mmm hhmhmmhm."

"Thank you."

I waved my hand and split the bubble, floating Ford into it, while politely not looking at his spacegasm, and closed a dark curtain all around him. "Hhmh mmhhuumm hmm." I told him.

"Got it. Thank you."

I finished eating while Ford was doing his business, focusing on my kids so I wouldn't be tempted to peek. "So kids. What you all just witnessed was a supernova. It's what happens when a star explodes!"

They were paying attention to me, though I don't know if they understood what I was saying.

"A star, like our sun back on Earth, is mostly made of Hydrogen and Helium." I explained. "And it's all clumped up together suuuuper close so it begins heating up and then it burns." Which wasn't the full of it, but they were only 1 and a few months, I was trying to use simple concepts.

"When a star dies, it either explodes like this, or it implodes into a black hole." I waved my hand to make a little illusion pop up in the air. The babies squealed and reached for it. "Yeah, it's super cool looking. But it's also super dangerous!" I warned them.

"A black hole is formed when mass is condensed down into a small space, the resulting gravitational pressure causes it to begin pulling in more and more matter, since matter is attracted to anything that has higher mass. So the danger of a black hole is how it's got a MASSIVE amount of matter inside it, which makes it begin to attract more mass…" I blinked. "I don't know if I'm repeating myself too much, but either way. It's going to attract more mass, which begins to spin around it, orbiting. Most things in space orbit." I explained as my illusion of the black hole had swirling lights around it.

"Now black holes pull in a lot of stuff, but they're… for a lack of a better word, messy eaters." I made my illusionary black hole pull in glowing lights and space dust, it was spinning really fast, and some of the space dust was being flung away from the black hole in random directions. "But even a black hole can't keep sucking and pulling without consequence."

The illusion swirled even faster.

"And once it's gotten to be too much, the black hole will actually shoot out a BUNCH of the mass it's 'eaten' like a laser beam."

The babies gasped.

"I know right? It's super cool." I laughed. "Also super dangerous. Anything in the path of that super powerful blast of pure energy and matter is… ah… probably not gonna survive." I stared at it. "But on the upside, the resulting space dust leftover once the beam dies down is gonna have enough energy and matter to be able to form a new star, or planet."

"Gah wah." Avaritia squealed. "Wah sss…" Invidia laughed.

"Nah," I shrugged. "I don't think I do that. I mean, I used to, probably. But I don't think eating so much I shoot lasers out my mouth and ass are a good idea." I pouted. The kids laughed at my expression. "You think it's funny, but just wait 'til you meet a zsishrivan. They're just spewing lasers from their ass constantly and it's soooo frustrating to try and talk to them!"

More laughter. I laughed too. It was infectious, their simple delight in everything. I pulled them into my arms for some snuggles. "Ahhh~ you're all soooo cuuuute!"

There was a tapping on the edge of the bubble. Ah, Ford was done. That was quick.

We went back to our picnic without issue, Ford cuddled with me the whole time, stroking his rough fingers along my skin. This mix of food and petting went on with me indulging in Ford's slutty hands and Ford staring up at the space dust. To my absolute delight, the children picked up on the 'petting mommy' game that was happening and were haphazardly slapping their little hands on me.

And when I finished eating, we stayed out there, peacefully hanging out. Here, far from any other lifeforms, where it was only me and Ford and our babies… it was quiet. Not the same quiet of being closed off from the outside world, since I wasn't clamped down shut and deriving myself of others. I was just with a small group of people. I would periodically open and close my Empathy in small cracks. Slowly getting a feel for how much was too much and would make me sick or not.

I ended up dozing off. It was just so comfortable.

I whined when Ford shook me awake. Nooo~ I was having a cool dream about a new FNAF game where you had to run through an indoor playground of a Freddie's Fazbear building. With all the tunnels, ball pits, and platform jumping… in first person! All while being chased by the animatronics! They had different movement abilities! Bonnie could jump on the platforms after you, but couldn't go through ball pits. Chica could crawl and chase you through the tunnels. Freddie was strong enough to push open any of the doors you closed behind you, to let the other animatronics get through areas you've closed off! Foxy could crawl on the ceiling and drop down into any place on the map.

"Jan?" Ford's face was above me. Oh, I guess I fell asleep laying in his lap. "The children are hungry."

I blinked slowly. Oh right. I stretched, shifting into Yun as I relaxed, my chest filling with milk. "Alright. Get over here~" I reached for my kids, kind of floundering around. "Foooordsie~ can you put them on for me? I wanna sleep some more…" I yawned.

I felt him scratching his hand through my hair. "Don't worry. I'll take care of this, just rest." I closed my eyes and yawned again. I could feel him lifting up my shirt and then the heavy weight of one of my kids was placed on my chest. The suckling was gentle. Probably one of the twins. Then a second mouth was on my other chest. Yup, definitely the twins. I hummed, growing more breasts so the others could get food too. I feel Ford jump a little. A third baby was placed on, latching on immediately and drinking. I squeaked. That one was definitely Avaritia. He pulled and pinched all the time. Gonna be a nightmare when he started teething.

Next baby drank with long, drawn out sucks. This was… Invidia. He liked to have his mouth full before swallowing. Heh. He drank like I did. I couldn't drink very quickly. Had to hold the liquid in my mouth before slowly swallowing it. He did the same.

Short, quick sucks. Either Gula or Acedia. I secretly thought it meant they were more impatient. Just a guess. I wondered if it was bad to be trying to form a guess on their personalities while they were this young?

A steady sucking feeling from the next one. Probably Ira. They were very calm when drinking. Liked to fall asleep while nursing and holding onto me. And lastly, Luxuria would drink and stop, drink and stop. Sometimes they would stop for so long I think they're done, but they complained when I tried to move them.

I could feel my head spinning as the drowsiness kicked back in.

Calm. Comfortable. Relaxed. Those were the feelings from both them and myself. I had to once again close off before I got sick. There had to be a better way to handle this. If I could figure it out, I'd be able to enjoy life more. At least it was mainly a human's emotions that caused spikes. I had to work this off. Do something awful and terrible to reach an equilibrium. Or just something fantastic. I sleepily waved a hand, the still hot space dust around us being pulled together faster than they normally would have. Closer and closer.

The accumulating mass made the process easier. Within a few minutes, a new star had been formed. I sighed in relief at letting off some steam and laid back down in Ford's lap.

...

"...Again?" I teased.

Ford made a funny sound in his throat. I laughed.