191. No Flashback or forward looks in this one. Wanted to get the update out there after my mini-vacation.

Caroline's no apologies advice resonated with Olivia all the way from the kitchen, where she dimmed the under-cabinet lights, to the living room, and as she climbed the stairs to the second floor.

No apologies.

In the master bedroom, Ed was asleep on top of the covers. His hands were clasped behind his head causing his t-shirt to ride up and reveal a sliver of his stomach. Olivia closed the door, taking care to be as quiet as possible, and crept to the foot of the bed. She crawled over him, smiling, anticipating him waking up with a smirk and placing one hand on her back and the other on her side because that was one of his favorite moves, and even though it was predictable, it was never not exciting.

"Hey there," she whispered when she saw his face twitch and his eyelids flutter.

He puckered his lips and Olivia gave him a quick, soft kiss. Ed finally opened his eyes and put his hands exactly where she'd expected them to end up. "Hey," he said in a raspy voice, "Sorry I fell asleep on ya."

"I was talking to your mom. Took a little longer."

"Everything okay?"

"Yes," Olivia replied hurriedly. She didn't need Ed thinking about his mother right now. She ran her fingers through his hair, smiled, and cooed, "I love you."

"I love you." Ed slid one hand under her shirt. His thumb grazed the bottom of her bare breast. With his other hand he undid the clip holding her hair back and watched her brown locks fall across her face with a satisfied smile. "God, you're beautiful," he murmured. "I have no idea what I ever did to deserve you."

Olivia's only response was to kiss him passionately and furiously. She felt like being worshipped by Ed Tucker tonight and she didn't feel the least bit guilty about it. Ed gradually sat up and laid her on her back, sliding down her shorts and peeling off her shirt in the process. Patiently and deliberately he worked his way down her body and back up again. Her moans and pants were all he needed, but he knew she wanted more. She wanted all of him.

He lasted a long time, longer than usual, and Olivia screamed into his mouth and arched her back when he came and she fell back onto the mattress, limp in his arms, and held him close as he placed breathless kisses on her chest. "I don't think anyone loves anyone more than you love me," she whispered.

"You're right," he mumbled and lifted his head long enough to poignantly look her in the eyes.

Not long ago, she would have felt compelled to reciprocate and tell him, no, he was wrong, she loved him more and she loved him more than she'd ever imagined she could love a man. But for some reason, verbalizing the thoughts felt unnecessary. Olivia was confident Ed knew exactly how she felt and no longer worried about him giving more to their marriage than he received.

Ed sat up, adjusted the pillows, and moved so he could hold Olivia with both arms. "Need anything?" He asked, his voice raspy, deep, and protective.

"No," Olivia cooed. She was going to have to get up at some point, but her body was not quite ready to stand up for the short trip from the bed to the bathroom and back. She ran her fingers along his arms, "Just you."

"You got me," Ed whispered in her ear and kissed the side of her head.

"Mmmmm," she droned, "What a perfect day...and night."

"Yeah it was," Ed replied and, trying to sound as innocent as possible, asked, "What was your favorite part?"

Olivia chuckled.

"Not a fair question?" He asked.

"It's pretty hard to top a few minutes ago," she said.

Now it was his turn to laugh softly, "That's really good to hear."

"I can't wait until tomorrow night," she said.

"Puttin' the pressure on, Benson?"

"You've always handled it well."

Ed shrugged, "Yeah, I guess I have."

Olivia craned her neck backward and reached up to cup one side of his face. "I admire that about you," she said. "You never crack no matter what. You never did."

Ed smiled and kissed her hand.

"You're a good man," she added.

"Thank you," he whispered after giving her another kiss.

Coming from her, it was the highest compliment he could ever receive. Ed remembered how everyone on his block growing up spoke of his father as a good man. It was commonplace for Jimmy Tucker and good man to be spoken in the same sentence multiple times a day. It wasn't always clear what his father had done to deserve the distinction, but Ed knew it was a high honor, and he wanted to be a good man, too. Ed guessed his father would be proud that a woman of Olivia's caliber considered him to be so good, so worthy of her love. When Ed got into a spiritual mood, which was not often, he thought of his father and hoped he could see how his life had turned out.

Yes, Ed decided, he would be proud.

A bit shocked, maybe.

But proud.

…..

Noah tugged on the straps of his booster seat and watched the beach town vibe of Bethany change to its more suburban, strip-mall-laden, less scenic area. "Where we goin' after haircuts, Daddy?"

"To get a new tow rope for the tube," Ed replied.

"How come we need a new rope?"

"The other one's a little frayed."

"What's frayed?"

"Falling apart."

"FALL'PART," Wyatt said from his car seat which was opposite Noah's, "Crumble bumble dumble!" Wyatt moved his fingers as if he were crushing a cookie or cracker in his hands.

Ed glanced at Wyatt through the rear view mirror, "Right, bud," he said, "You're getting too smart."

"Dese babies are super smart!" Noah said. "I think they're learnin' a lot at camp!"

"I bet they are," Ed replied even though he was certain the twins picked up most of their smarts through their brother and the fact they were home with Ed and Olivia most of the day and they constantly talked to and played with Maggie and Wyatt. "Wait until they go to preschool in the fall. You think they're gonna be the smartest in the class?"

"Yep!"

"So do I."

The barber shop was a locals' place and the men in the chairs and the guys cutting hair gave Ed and his sons curious, almost suspicious glances when they walked in. Ed felt like they'd entered a time machine. The place was reminiscent of some of his favorite dive bars-wood paneled walls, ceiling fans instead of air conditioning, and furniture suitable for a museum. When Olivia suggested they get haircuts, this shop was the first one that popped up, the closest, and the highest reviewed, but now Ed was wondering if he and the boys should leave and try to find a SuperCuts.

Noah and Wyatt, though, felt right at home. Wyatt wandered over to a magazine rack and pointed at a Field and Stream cover. "Boat, No! Issour boat! Less'read dis one!"

"Kay," Noah skipped over, "But it's not our boat." He and Wyatt shared one of the three plastic chairs lined up against the wall. Noah opened the magazine and quickly flipped to the pages with the most pictures as if he'd read it before.

The oldest-looking barber brushed the neck of a customer and removed his cape with a flourish. After exchanging a few colloquial pleasantries with the other man, he grinned at the Tucker boys. "You fishermen?"

Wyatt leaned into Noah, relying on his big brother to answer.

"No," Noah said through a giggle, "We jus' have a boat so Wyatt wanted to look at 'em."

"What kinda boat ya have?"

"A pontoon for twelve people," Noah answered knowingly.

"Twelve, huh?"

"Yep! My Daddy," Noah pointed to Ed, "Dat's him, he's da Captain and says I can be da captain when I get my license. And after we get our haircuts we're gonna get a new rope for da tube so we can go out t'morrow and show Gramma how we ride on on da tube, but she's not gonna go, she's just gonna sit on da boat." Noah shrugged, "She's kinda old."

The man regarded Noah seriously, which Ed appreciated. His kindness made him forgive the guy for not welcoming them in at first. He asked a few more questions, and Noah explained their love for seafood, day camp, and the fact his brother was a little shy. "But when he knows ya he can get hyper."

Ed grinned at Wyatt who clung to Noah and peered up at the barber through his too-long hair. "All three of us need a trim," Ed said. "If ya have time for us."

"Of course," he replied, sounding much more friendly than he'd acted ten minutes ago, "You visiting?"

"Here for the summer," Ed replied and quickly added, "We own a house on the beach. Try to get here as often as possible."

"You rent it out?" One of the other men asked.

Ed grinned wryly. "Nope. Not a chance."

Discovering the interlopers were close to being one of them, everyone in the shop relaxed. Ed felt the mood lighten and the tension lift.

"Boys!" Another barber hollered, "C'mon down here to the airplane seats!"

Noah needed no further explanation. He jumped down, tossed the magazine aside, and urged his brother to follow. Wyatt did, but not before returning the magazine to the rack. His little Adidas-clad feet slapped at the tile floor as he trotted after Noah. The airplane seats were regular chairs with model airplanes for armrests. The walls were decorated almost exclusively with photographs of military airplanes and aircraft carriers.

"Vet owned?" Ed asked to no one in particular when he took his own seat.

"Yep," the older man said, "Korea, Vietnam...the guys from World War II are gone...you?"

"No," Ed replied with an air of regret, "Too young for the draft. Went to the academy outta high school."

"Police Academy?"

Ed nodded. Even though he wasn't a military veteran, he was suddenly and without any word or fanfare, even more accepted among the other men in the room. However, Noah and Wyatt were the focus of everyone's attention. As the barbers snipped away their locks, they asked questions and Wyatt started to talk more and more. He described the hula hoops at day camp and building sand castles and using goggles to see underwater. Ed almost fell out of his chair when the barber asked Wyatt if the cut was to his liking and Wyatt crinkled his nose and replied, "Too sort."

"Welp, pal, it'll grow," the man said.

"Noah," the oldest man who turned out to be the owner said, "You be sure to be careful out there on that boat and on the tube."

"I will," Noah replied. "You be careful, too."

"Will do."

Ed paid with cash because it seemed like a cash-only place and gave a generous, but not extravagant tip.

"Hope you'll come back before the summer's over," the owner told Ed.

"We'll do that," Ed replied, "Thanks again for squeezin' us in. We'll be allowed to go to dinner tonight after all."

"Have some fussy gals at home?"

Noah, hearing but not quite understanding "fussy", eagerly replied, "Yeah, we got all da girls at home! My sisters and my mom and my Gramma!"

"Sounds like a handful."

Noah nodded solemnly. "Uh-huh."

Ed shot Noah an amused smile and grabbed Wyatt's hand. "Alright, Tucker men, let's head out." He was about to remind the boys to say thank-you, but they both turned around, still holding his hand, and called out their goodbyes and their thank yous. As he buckled Wyatt into the carseat, Noah mentioned they should go for haircuts again because he liked the place and the people.

"Oh we will," Ed replied, "But, the most important question is….do you think we look handsome enough for Mommy?"

"Yup!" Noah said. "We're good lookin!"

"G'lookin," Wyatt added.

Ed laughed, ruffled Wyatt's hair, and kissed his head.

"Always gotta get haircuts," Noah said as if he were verbally writing a list, "Even at da beach in summer."

"That's right," Ed said, "Always look sharp."

"Sarp a knife!" Wyatt said.

Noah giggled, "Simile! Sharp like a knife!"

Ed shook his head, took his seat up front, and tried to remember at what age he'd learned about figurative language. He was certain it was not at the age of three.

…..

Brooke stretched out on the loveseat after packing her boat bag and looked at her phone for the first time in a couple of hours. Sonny checked in, and she had a few social media notifications, including one from Instagram that caught her eye. "Huh," she mumbled, "Aidan's following me."

Sarah frowned. "He's here?"

"No dummy," Brooke giggled, "On Insta."

"Oh, well, follow him back and let's stalk."

"He has two pictures posted."

"That's so weird," Sarah said, "Like he's very far behind the times. Even Daddy has an Instagram and he posts like twice a day. I would also point out that the majority of the posts are of the twinsies and Noey. Livvie? When are you going to get an Instagram?"

"I think your Dad does a good job documenting our lives on there," Olivia said.

"He really does," Brooke replied, "His captions crack me up. It doesn't even sound like him some of the time. Like the one about hot tubbin? When has he ever said that?"

"I love that picture," Olivia cooed, "The one of the twins all wrapped up."

"Gawwwd, they're yummy," Sarah said. "So, I guess, when we get home we'll meet up with Aidan? I mean, he can't avoid us forever and he shouldn't and maybe the Insta follow is a gentle suggestion that he'd like to have a relationship?"

"Olivia," Brooke said, "Advice, please?"

"I think you should meet and talk and the two of you will have to be open and transparent because it sounds like he's hurting, and you'll have to try to pinpoint what that is. It's hard to speculate. Maybe he feels abandoned, like you've said before, or maybe it's just that it's awkward. You were close, and then you weren't, and it's strange to forge those bonds again when you know each other so well but you're essentially strangers again."

"You always know what you're talking about," Sarah said, "I wish to one day be able to give sage advice from an experienced perspective."

"I have similar experiences," Olivia said, "When I was working, well, you develop relationships with your squad, with the ADAs, even, gosh, with the medical examiners. And when those people move on, you think you'll keep in touch, that your relationship was more than just...you worked together because it often got personal...but that's what happened to most people, except for Barba, Fin, Carisi of course," Olivia said with a grin.

"And Daddy!" Sarah said.

"Well, yeah, but even that relationship, well, you know, it was, um, unique."

"I'll say so," Brooke said. "Hey, speaking of relationships, how's Justin? Have you talked to him?"

"We've been texting but he's so buried in this book they're writing," Sarah said, "I'm glad I'm away, actually, I get jealous of his work." She looked up, expecting Brooke or Olivia to be close to breaking into a laugh, but they were both solemnly waiting for clarification. "They're just doing...really meaningful stuff, you know? And I'm on the other side. I'm part of the big, bad corporate machine."

"No you're not," Brooke said, jumping to Sarah's defense even though her sister was both accuser and culprit.

"Oh, come on, Brookey," Sarah snapped, "With all the wealth swirling around in this country, this world, Justin and his team shouldn't even have to do research like this because it should be totally unnecessary."

Olivia interjected,"I thought they were looking at certain systems, longstanding institutional barriers…"

"But it all boils down to money, Livvie. When you think about it, everything does. Power, justice, everything," Sarah scratched her neck, leaving deep red marks on her skin, "So I guess I feel guilty, conflicted, helpless, and hypocritical when Justin talks about the work. Or maybe I'm jealous? I don't know."

"Why don't you pick a charity?" Olivia suggested, "A school? A program for kids? Donate and volunteer?"

"Yeah, maybe."

"And, for what it's worth, Sare?" Olivia said, "You're not an evil corporate raider. You're a good person, a wonderful daughter, and an amazing sister. And one day, you'll feel differently. I know you will. And, think about how good Justin has been for you, and how much he adds to your life. You would've probably not asked any of these questions if it weren't for him."

"Probably not." Sarah fanned herself with a magazine, "Gawwwd, what is taking Daddy so long? I thought we were going to have dinner on the boat? I'm hot and getting hungry. Do you have a tracker?"

"No," Olivia said with a chuckle, "I'll text him and check in."

….

Stopped at one of Bethany's busiest intersections, Ed tapped on the steering wheel and waited for the light to change. Noah and Wyatt were playing I Spy in the backseat, and listening to their brotherly banter made Ed smile. Out of the blue, between rounds, Wyatt said, "Dada! Go to Stahbucks?"

Ed wasn't sure what part of the surroundings prompted Wyatt to ask for Starbucks. Knowing Wyatt's Stahbucks meant any type of cafe, Ed looked around and proceeded ahead slowly, searching for a coffee or smoothie shop. Unsuccessful, he decided to head back to the beach and stop at their local cafe.

"Five minutes, bud," Ed said, "No, you want to stop?"

"Yep! I'll get a matcha."

"What's matcha?"

"It's green and it says tea but I don't think it's really tea."

"Oh."

Ed parked on the street and led the boys inside. He picked up Wyatt so he could better view the pictures on the board behind the espresso and smoothie machines. "Whatcha want, pal?"

"Stawberry."

"You got it."

Noah ordered his own drink after taking a little too long reading the menu. Ed ordered Wyatt's strawberry smoothie and an iced tea for himself and ushered the boys back outside to the side patio. He was about to check his phone when Noah spotted a small playground next door behind a day care which was, given the weekend, closed.

"Daddy, can we go play?"

"Thought ya wanted to have your drink?"

"You can watch da drinks and we'll play and get some sips when we take a break."

Ed grinned and nodded, "Alright. Let's go see if the gate's open."

It was, and Wyatt and Noah ran for the play structure. They bounded the steps, took a few runs down the slide, came over for a drink, and went back to the monkey bars. Ed hustled over, for the bars were at least ten feet off the ground. Noah could handle a fall, but Wyatt would certainly be hurt if he crashed onto the wood chips below.

"Kay, Wyatt, here's how we do it," Noah said as he flung himself forward and crossed the bars. Toward the end he grunted and gasped and when he was finally safe on the opposite platform he put his hands on his knees and grinned at Ed. "Dat's a workout!"

"Good job, bud!" Ed fist-bumped Noah and jogged over to Wyatt who was already reaching for the first rung. "Okay, go ahead," he said as he held Wyatt so he could get a firm grip. Wyatt had been on the monkey bars at the toddler gym, but they were not as high or as far apart as these. Wyatt knew the motions and as soon as Ed felt he was able to swing from bar to bar himself, he let Wyatt go and shadowed him all the way to the end.

"WYATT DID IT ALL BY HIMSELF!" Noah shouted gleefully. He gave Wyatt a huge bear hug on the other side.

"You two are awesome," Ed said, "Hey, lemme get a picture of you hangin' on the bars." He reached to carry Wyatt but the little boy shrugged off the help.

"I do it," Wyatt said.

"Okay." Ed waited for the boys to make their way to the center of the bars and snapped a few photos, "Alright, got em!"

After Noah and Wyatt were safely on the ground, Ed announced it was time they headed back home. "Mom's wonderin' where we are."

"She misses us?" Noah asked.

"Yup."

Noah giggled. "Mommy always says she misses me!"

"It's good to miss people," Ed replied, "You miss the people you love when they're not around."

"You miss Mommy?"

"Oh yeah," Ed said with a grin, "You bet I do."

"Den we better go!"

"Yep, let's go," Ed scooped Wyatt into his arms and tossed him over his shoulder, "I don't like to be away from Mommy from very long." He mussed Noah's hair, "One day you'll understand."

…..

#Tuckson